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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:08,205 --> 00:00:11,301
♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪
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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy. ♪
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- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Hey, Meg, what's with the cupcakes?
12
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I'm celebrating.
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Oh, last night I had my period
14
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or miscarriage. Not sure which.
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Either way, happy un-birthday.
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00:00:51,262 --> 00:00:53,428
Where's my phone? I got to text Patty
17
00:00:53,439 --> 00:00:55,189
and let her know she
can have half of these
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for her cat's funeral.
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Coltrane's wake is gonna be lit.
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Pics to follow.
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What the hell? What happened?
22
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[PHONE CHIMES]
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Hey, Meg, no turkey dinner is complete
24
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without a little under-nut squash.
25
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[CACKLES]
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What a jerk.
27
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Oh, well. Time to go
transport a Texas resident
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to her reproductive health appointment.
29
00:01:37,586 --> 00:01:39,235
Okay, Brian, let's play another round
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of my favorite game: Read Lois' mail
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and laugh at her sad life.
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Uhp, fall lane Bryant catalog.
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Looks like we'll be getting
some cranberry pants in the mail.
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"Fertility bank of New England."
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Oh, this one I've got to see.
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"Dear Lois Pewterschmidt,
thank you again
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for your compensated
donation of ten eggs in 1997.
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This letter is to inform you
that the nine remaining eggs
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00:02:02,003 --> 00:02:04,295
have been destroyed
for lack of interest."
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What? Let me see that.
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00:02:05,557 --> 00:02:06,931
Oh, this is so perfect.
42
00:02:06,975 --> 00:02:10,140
The old slag literally
sold her body for money.
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All right, let's not judge her.
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She was trying to earn a
little extra money in college
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and I wonder what human eggs taste like.
46
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Wait a second.
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The nine remaining eggs?
48
00:02:18,923 --> 00:02:20,853
Lois donated ten eggs.
49
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If there were nine remaining, that means
50
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one of them was used?
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Hate how much I want to
try human eggs right now.
52
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Brian, listen: I have
a lost half-sibling.
53
00:02:29,372 --> 00:02:31,664
He or she is just out there someplace.
54
00:02:31,782 --> 00:02:33,237
Why, I haven't been this shocked since
55
00:02:33,247 --> 00:02:35,437
Chris showed me his jack-in-the-box.
56
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Chris, what did you do to this box?
57
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It's not called a "Jack elsewhere."
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Oh, it's master. Here, master.
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00:02:46,931 --> 00:02:49,682
Master may change the TV to
a channel that pleases her.
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00:02:49,832 --> 00:02:51,476
Uh, what's going on?
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00:02:51,478 --> 00:02:53,478
Master's latest social media post
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has become popular on the internet,
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so now master rules the family.
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What are you talking about?
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[PHONE CHIMES]
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00:02:59,903 --> 00:03:01,149
Oh, my god!
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00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:05,823
This cupcake video got 20,000 likes.
68
00:03:06,156 --> 00:03:08,993
Only likes matter. Likes rule all.
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00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:11,704
Wow, look at all these
comments. People are saying
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00:03:11,780 --> 00:03:14,989
I should get Chris a FansOnly
page. What's FansOnly?
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00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,336
It's a fetish website where
amateurs post racy videos
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00:03:18,380 --> 00:03:20,430
that subscribers pay to see.
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Wait, people would pay money
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00:03:22,801 --> 00:03:25,218
to watch a husky teen sit on food?
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00:03:25,229 --> 00:03:27,813
Oh, yeah. Very much so.
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00:03:32,752 --> 00:03:35,103
Um, would you be interested?
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00:03:35,178 --> 00:03:37,950
I could set everything up
and handle the administrative side.
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00:03:37,961 --> 00:03:40,692
You could just sit on stuff.
We'd split the profits.
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00:03:40,768 --> 00:03:42,393
You think you're the first person
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00:03:42,404 --> 00:03:44,362
to pitch me a crush fetish website?
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Go get a business
plan, some seed capital
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and an s-corp registered
in the state of Delaware
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00:03:48,702 --> 00:03:51,411
and then maybe we'll talk.
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00:03:52,801 --> 00:03:54,757
♪ Not everything has to be ♪
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♪ A montage ♪
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♪ Meg filling out a bunch of forms ♪
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00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:03,099
♪ Is not very interesting ♪
88
00:04:03,399 --> 00:04:05,049
♪ But the guy who drew this ♪
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00:04:05,093 --> 00:04:07,260
♪ Worked very hard ♪
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♪ So we don't have the heart ♪
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♪ To cut it now ♪
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00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:12,946
♪ Especially since that guy ♪
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♪ Recently lost custody ♪
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♪ Of his children. ♪
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00:04:19,721 --> 00:04:21,430
- I'm in.
- [GASPS]
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00:04:26,103 --> 00:04:28,270
Rupert, I can't stop
thinking about the fact
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00:04:28,272 --> 00:04:30,237
that I've got a sibling
out there someplace.
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00:04:30,248 --> 00:04:32,145
So, today I will hack into the world's
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00:04:32,156 --> 00:04:34,115
most sophisticated
surveillance networks,
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00:04:34,126 --> 00:04:36,103
scan for Pewterschmidt DNA markers
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00:04:36,114 --> 00:04:38,406
from Lois' donated
egg, locate my comrade,
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- And together, we shall be unstopa...
- [FACETIME RINGING]
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Stewie! Tell Mommy that Daddy fell!
104
00:04:45,707 --> 00:04:47,915
[AUDIO CUTTING OUT]
105
00:04:49,541 --> 00:04:51,458
Aha. We have a match.
106
00:04:52,866 --> 00:04:54,616
In Cambridge, Massachusetts.
107
00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:56,961
Of course. Someone sharing my DNA
108
00:04:56,972 --> 00:05:00,015
may well be a scholar at Harvard or MIT.
109
00:05:00,350 --> 00:05:01,599
Or tufts.
110
00:05:01,962 --> 00:05:05,574
Oh, come on, the sat is
not biased against bears.
111
00:05:05,585 --> 00:05:07,544
Jewish bears? You're Jewish?
112
00:05:07,971 --> 00:05:09,151
No, it's fine, it's just...
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It's just the kind of
thing you tell someone.
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♪
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00:05:21,896 --> 00:05:23,390
Supposedly, one of these eggheads
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00:05:23,401 --> 00:05:26,277
is my brother or sister,
Rupert. But which one?
117
00:05:26,288 --> 00:05:28,205
And how will we find each other?
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Perhaps we share mannerisms.
119
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Hey, "damn you all." yeah?
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00:05:32,993 --> 00:05:35,666
"Curse you, vile woman." Am I right?
121
00:05:35,677 --> 00:05:38,636
"Victory shall be mine"?
You know? Anything?
122
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That was big in the '90s.
123
00:05:40,371 --> 00:05:42,079
[SIGHS] I don't understand.
124
00:05:42,204 --> 00:05:44,799
My genius Harvard sibling
should be right here.
125
00:05:44,810 --> 00:05:46,935
[LAUGHING]
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[BOSTON ACCENT] Eat my
wizz, you Harvard fruit bags.
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00:05:49,679 --> 00:05:50,733
[ZIPS]
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00:05:54,006 --> 00:05:55,399
Oh, my god, that must be him.
129
00:05:55,410 --> 00:05:56,579
And, hey, don't do that.
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00:05:56,590 --> 00:05:58,048
Harvard is a respected institution
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that only produces our nation's finest.
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00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:04,188
♪ The boys are back in town,
the boys are back in town ♪
133
00:06:06,141 --> 00:06:09,768
♪ I said the boys are back in town. ♪
134
00:06:09,779 --> 00:06:11,467
Our apologies to the Unabomber.
135
00:06:11,478 --> 00:06:13,391
It was a cheap shot to include him.
136
00:06:19,486 --> 00:06:21,653
[BOSTON ACCENT] So you and
me got some of the same DNA
137
00:06:21,677 --> 00:06:24,133
on account of your mom
sold off her inside parts?
138
00:06:24,144 --> 00:06:26,541
- Dude, that's bizarre.
- Mm, quite.
139
00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:28,406
Yeah, my mom didn't like how I came out,
140
00:06:28,417 --> 00:06:29,625
so she left me in an orphanage,
141
00:06:29,636 --> 00:06:31,385
But nobody was adopting
me, so screw that.
142
00:06:31,396 --> 00:06:33,188
Got out of there, moved
under the Fenway stands.
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00:06:33,324 --> 00:06:35,449
I survive on racist bleacher farts.
144
00:06:35,460 --> 00:06:36,918
That's great. Now, I
don't suppose you have
145
00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:38,804
a hidden cache of advanced weaponry
146
00:06:38,815 --> 00:06:40,398
and plans for global conquest?
147
00:06:40,409 --> 00:06:41,700
Nah, but you know what I do got?
148
00:06:41,711 --> 00:06:44,128
A list of five movies
that I cry at the end of.
149
00:06:44,139 --> 00:06:45,866
Number one, Braveheart.
150
00:06:45,877 --> 00:06:47,919
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, that one gets me.
151
00:06:47,930 --> 00:06:49,096
That gets me.
152
00:06:49,107 --> 00:06:50,893
Uh, number two, Scarface, I cry.
153
00:06:50,904 --> 00:06:53,070
Guy builds up the whole
empire and just dies, right?
154
00:06:53,208 --> 00:06:54,887
Uh, number three, Dodgeball.
155
00:06:54,898 --> 00:06:57,288
Everybody looks past those
guys. Nobody believed in 'em.
156
00:06:57,299 --> 00:06:58,548
Couldn't catch for nothing.
157
00:06:58,559 --> 00:07:00,863
I tell you, Justin Long...
he couldn't catch a cold
158
00:07:00,874 --> 00:07:03,249
and still they win the
thing, you know? Here I go.
159
00:07:09,385 --> 00:07:11,892
Camera's rolling. You
can go when you're ready.
160
00:07:11,903 --> 00:07:14,279
Welcome, FansOnly subscribers.
161
00:07:14,290 --> 00:07:17,500
My dad fell in the shower,
so we kinda need the money.
162
00:07:17,733 --> 00:07:18,748
[GRUNTS]
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00:07:18,759 --> 00:07:20,717
Ah. Thank you.
164
00:07:20,861 --> 00:07:22,861
Wow. That was great.
165
00:07:22,904 --> 00:07:25,104
- How was that for you?
- It was amazing.
166
00:07:25,115 --> 00:07:28,116
We just created art
in front of our fans.
167
00:07:28,127 --> 00:07:30,460
I wonder if this is how
French pointillist painter
168
00:07:30,662 --> 00:07:32,412
Georges Seurat felt.
169
00:07:32,669 --> 00:07:35,168
[ALL] Oh...
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00:07:35,179 --> 00:07:37,179
Yeah!
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00:07:37,276 --> 00:07:40,116
Oh...
172
00:07:40,237 --> 00:07:41,569
Yeah!
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00:07:41,607 --> 00:07:43,369
No way. Orange.
174
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:44,516
Orange, you guys.
175
00:07:44,527 --> 00:07:47,111
Oh...
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00:07:47,122 --> 00:07:49,122
Yeah!
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00:07:49,212 --> 00:07:50,963
Seurat! Seurat! Seurat!
178
00:07:50,974 --> 00:07:52,932
What did I miss? Were the dots tiny?
179
00:07:52,943 --> 00:07:54,799
Oh, my god, so tiny.
180
00:07:58,074 --> 00:07:59,493
All right, here's my house. See?
181
00:07:59,504 --> 00:08:00,670
Anyway, it's been nice to meet you,
182
00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:01,805
but I'm very busy today.
183
00:08:01,906 --> 00:08:03,530
No way. How come your
house ain't attached
184
00:08:03,541 --> 00:08:05,082
to two other houses on either side?
185
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:06,696
There can be just one house?
186
00:08:06,740 --> 00:08:07,822
Um, I guess.
187
00:08:07,833 --> 00:08:09,082
And where's your American flag
188
00:08:09,093 --> 00:08:10,509
but with blue stripes for cops?
189
00:08:10,577 --> 00:08:11,701
I don't know, man, but listen,
190
00:08:11,745 --> 00:08:13,114
you can stay for just a few minutes.
191
00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:14,750
No way, you got crazy straws?
192
00:08:14,761 --> 00:08:16,397
No, no, no, those are the fat man's.
193
00:08:16,408 --> 00:08:19,158
He likes to pretend his
juice is on a roller coaster.
194
00:08:19,169 --> 00:08:20,919
I don't care, I'm using one.
195
00:08:21,004 --> 00:08:22,837
All right, Capri Suns,
196
00:08:22,848 --> 00:08:25,515
who's ready to ride Thunder Mountain?
197
00:08:26,794 --> 00:08:28,449
Stewie, what the hell are you doing?
198
00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:30,836
You know the crazy
straws are only for Daddy.
199
00:08:30,847 --> 00:08:32,847
- Up yours, old man.
- That's it.
200
00:08:32,849 --> 00:08:34,428
I'd give you the belt, but I wore
201
00:08:34,439 --> 00:08:36,258
a 1990s braided belt today,
202
00:08:36,269 --> 00:08:38,744
and I like how it makes
me look like Blossom's dad.
203
00:08:38,755 --> 00:08:40,295
Yeah? How about I give you the belt?
204
00:08:40,306 --> 00:08:42,306
- Aah! Stop it! You're hurting me.
- Yeah, take that.
205
00:08:42,317 --> 00:08:44,532
I'll drink out of any straw
I want, you piece of crap.
206
00:08:44,543 --> 00:08:46,060
- You hear me?
- I need that belt.
207
00:08:46,071 --> 00:08:47,897
I'm taking my LinkedIn photo later.
208
00:08:47,908 --> 00:08:49,908
[WHIMPERING]
209
00:08:51,673 --> 00:08:53,600
Hmm. Turns out this thug
210
00:08:53,611 --> 00:08:55,307
may actually be useful to me.
211
00:08:55,318 --> 00:08:56,611
Well, isn't that a surprise?
212
00:08:56,622 --> 00:08:59,331
Like the Japanese
attack on David Harbour.
213
00:09:00,075 --> 00:09:02,159
Hi, Kenji Mifune, Tokyo Daily.
214
00:09:02,170 --> 00:09:05,188
Why do you always look like
you just woke up in a dumpster?
215
00:09:09,923 --> 00:09:11,603
All right, Rupert, time to make use
216
00:09:11,614 --> 00:09:13,754
of that crude Boston body double.
217
00:09:13,765 --> 00:09:14,965
Here we go.
218
00:09:14,976 --> 00:09:17,809
Lois, I'd like to request
a later bedtime, please.
219
00:09:17,853 --> 00:09:20,812
I'm a big boy now,
and I think I can make it to 6:45.
220
00:09:20,856 --> 00:09:22,689
Go away, Stewie, mommy's looking at
221
00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:24,420
real estate listings and dreaming of
222
00:09:24,431 --> 00:09:26,016
any life other than this.
223
00:09:26,027 --> 00:09:27,850
I see. All right, then.
224
00:09:33,243 --> 00:09:36,453
- [FURNITURE CRASHING, GLASS BREAKING]
- [LOIS CRYING OUT]
225
00:09:38,632 --> 00:09:40,720
Your new bedtime is
whenever you [BLEEP] want.
226
00:09:40,731 --> 00:09:43,884
Splendid! I also have a
school-related task for you.
227
00:09:47,148 --> 00:09:49,623
Um, class, I-I know teacher Jeremy said
228
00:09:49,634 --> 00:09:52,475
everyone would get a turn as
classroom star of the week,
229
00:09:52,486 --> 00:09:55,195
but new plan. Uh, Stewie will now be
230
00:09:55,206 --> 00:09:57,017
star of the week every week.
231
00:09:57,094 --> 00:10:00,137
Also, instead of circle time,
we're just gonna watch TV dramas
232
00:10:00,187 --> 00:10:01,936
where Dennis Leary plays a fireman.
233
00:10:02,104 --> 00:10:04,397
That's a pretty smart
cookie, that teacher Jeremy.
234
00:10:04,408 --> 00:10:06,992
But right now we're
gonna do show and tell.
235
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,458
Who wants to go fir...
236
00:10:08,469 --> 00:10:10,153
Stewie. Uh, let's do Stewie.
237
00:10:10,397 --> 00:10:12,586
Oh, God, I don't got nothing prepared.
238
00:10:12,597 --> 00:10:14,566
Let me see what I got
in my pockets here.
239
00:10:14,577 --> 00:10:17,202
Um, here's a Cumberland
Farms reward card.
240
00:10:17,311 --> 00:10:19,144
Shotgun shell full of shark teeth.
241
00:10:19,155 --> 00:10:21,197
Donnie Wahlberg's actual cigar cutter,
242
00:10:21,208 --> 00:10:23,625
key card for my
ex-girlfriend's parking garage.
243
00:10:23,701 --> 00:10:26,437
Zippo lighter I got in Cancun.
I friggin' love Cancun.
244
00:10:26,448 --> 00:10:27,993
I don't know why you'd go anywhere else.
245
00:10:28,004 --> 00:10:31,061
Uh, flat, dry condom in
case Charlene's ovulating.
246
00:10:31,072 --> 00:10:32,425
Uh, clipping of a newspaper story
247
00:10:32,469 --> 00:10:34,260
where I'm quoted about a house fire.
248
00:10:34,304 --> 00:10:36,212
And a bloody shoe from
the marathon bombing
249
00:10:36,214 --> 00:10:38,350
I keep in a Caldor's bag in my closet.
250
00:10:38,361 --> 00:10:39,861
Any questions?
251
00:10:52,525 --> 00:10:54,739
That's smushboy15. He's gross.
252
00:10:54,741 --> 00:10:57,233
He'll sit on anything. He's a sit slut.
253
00:10:57,244 --> 00:11:00,408
He's also really good at hearing
the whispers of nearby diners.
254
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:05,222
Excuse me, smushboy.
255
00:11:05,233 --> 00:11:07,006
I-I'm wondering if you could come over
256
00:11:07,017 --> 00:11:08,787
and sit on my wife's avocado?
257
00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,863
Come on, man, I'm out with my family.
258
00:11:10,874 --> 00:11:12,539
You Hollywood celebrities!
259
00:11:12,550 --> 00:11:15,510
Sheesh! Don't meet your heroes, huh?
260
00:11:21,868 --> 00:11:24,369
[INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY]
261
00:11:24,380 --> 00:11:28,064
Okay, everyone, this is
another smushboy livestream.
262
00:11:28,141 --> 00:11:30,558
Let's try to play nice this time, okay?
263
00:11:30,644 --> 00:11:32,810
[MAN] Hey, uh, squash that
brownie with your knee.
264
00:11:32,821 --> 00:11:34,404
I don't do knee stuff.
265
00:11:34,447 --> 00:11:37,115
I told you guys that
from the beginning. Geez.
266
00:11:37,359 --> 00:11:38,776
What the hell, Chris?
267
00:11:38,787 --> 00:11:40,702
You've had a crummy
attitude from the moment
268
00:11:40,745 --> 00:11:42,126
you walked in here this morning.
269
00:11:42,137 --> 00:11:43,955
Well, duh. The moment I walk in
270
00:11:43,957 --> 00:11:46,291
you start running new pie designs at me.
271
00:11:46,302 --> 00:11:48,506
What do we do with pie designs, Meg?
272
00:11:48,517 --> 00:11:50,326
Huh? What do we do?
273
00:11:50,337 --> 00:11:52,863
- Email them to Tristan.
- Email them to Tristan.
274
00:11:52,874 --> 00:11:55,008
Look, I don't like being
a broken record here,
275
00:11:55,051 --> 00:11:56,926
but why do we have those Monday meetings
276
00:11:56,970 --> 00:11:59,470
if nobody's gonna follow the process?
277
00:11:59,634 --> 00:12:03,549
Anyone? Briana? Heath? Hello?
278
00:12:03,864 --> 00:12:05,270
You know what, guys, if you can't start
279
00:12:05,281 --> 00:12:08,062
sorting these things out,
I don't see how we can even
280
00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:10,083
do summer Fridays anymore.
281
00:12:10,409 --> 00:12:12,483
Oh, now you're paying attention.
282
00:12:12,850 --> 00:12:14,986
Chris, you can't talk
to people like that.
283
00:12:15,030 --> 00:12:16,960
Oh, fine. Then maybe
I'll talk like this.
284
00:12:16,971 --> 00:12:19,157
Everyone, I quit!
285
00:12:19,612 --> 00:12:21,225
Come along, multiple exotic pets
286
00:12:21,236 --> 00:12:23,570
symbolizing my spiritual corruption.
287
00:12:32,122 --> 00:12:34,944
Good night, Stewie, at 11:45 P.M.,
288
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:37,312
which is a bedtime that works for you.
289
00:12:37,835 --> 00:12:40,245
I love you, sweetie. Mwah.
290
00:12:44,092 --> 00:12:46,354
Hey, that was kind of nice
what just happened right there.
291
00:12:46,365 --> 00:12:48,177
- What do you mean?
- Well, you got a kiss from your mom,
292
00:12:48,188 --> 00:12:49,687
and not just 'cause
you blew into that tube
293
00:12:49,731 --> 00:12:50,980
that lets her start the car.
294
00:12:51,332 --> 00:12:52,607
You know, I always wanted to get adopted
295
00:12:52,651 --> 00:12:54,056
and have parents of my own.
296
00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:55,777
Heck, my old orphanage
even has its annual
297
00:12:55,862 --> 00:12:57,597
adoption fair next week, but
298
00:12:57,608 --> 00:12:58,738
forget it, nobody wants to adopt
299
00:12:58,740 --> 00:13:00,125
a messed-up kid like me.
300
00:13:00,136 --> 00:13:01,449
Hey, hey, hey.
301
00:13:01,919 --> 00:13:04,711
Can we not do shoes
on my white area rug?
302
00:13:05,719 --> 00:13:09,411
And also, hey, hey, hey.
You want to get adopted?
303
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:11,042
I will help you get adopted.
304
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:12,981
- What?
- Starting tomorrow,
305
00:13:12,992 --> 00:13:16,086
I will teach you how to be
a normal, adoptable child.
306
00:13:16,097 --> 00:13:18,907
Aw, dude, that's awesome.
All right, good night, kiddo.
307
00:13:18,918 --> 00:13:21,984
I'm gonna go hide out in the dry tub
and watch your sister take a wizz.
308
00:13:28,512 --> 00:13:30,155
Dad, thanks again for filling in
309
00:13:30,166 --> 00:13:32,333
after Chris got all
big-headed and quit.
310
00:13:32,409 --> 00:13:34,921
I'm excited to start shooting
these videos with you.
311
00:13:34,932 --> 00:13:36,957
Yeah, um, about the videos...
312
00:13:36,968 --> 00:13:38,176
I couldn't help but notice
313
00:13:38,187 --> 00:13:40,647
you've got me squatting
on generic jell-o,
314
00:13:40,658 --> 00:13:42,006
not the name brand.
315
00:13:42,017 --> 00:13:43,168
Does it make a difference?
316
00:13:43,179 --> 00:13:45,679
[LAUGHS] Doe-does it make a difference?
317
00:13:45,723 --> 00:13:47,537
You're-you're adorable.
318
00:13:47,907 --> 00:13:50,180
And why am I snorting regular cocaine
319
00:13:50,191 --> 00:13:52,984
when I specifically requested
bacon-wrapped cocaine?
320
00:13:52,986 --> 00:13:55,194
There's no such thing
as bacon-wrapped cocaine.
321
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:57,678
Yeah, tell that to Chris
Farley's autopsy photo.
322
00:13:57,782 --> 00:13:59,948
Also, your nose is bleeding heavily.
323
00:14:00,766 --> 00:14:03,724
Yeah, that's allergies. I'm
allergic to bacon and cocaine.
324
00:14:03,735 --> 00:14:06,039
I tell you, this is the
most unprofessional film set
325
00:14:06,107 --> 00:14:08,857
since they cast Timothée
Chalamet in Dune.
326
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,836
My father came, not for spice,
327
00:14:12,124 --> 00:14:13,796
not for riches...
328
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,757
- Whoa... wh-whoa!
- Cut.
329
00:14:15,800 --> 00:14:17,827
- Wind guy.
- I told you guys
330
00:14:17,838 --> 00:14:19,668
he shouldn't be in windy movies.
331
00:14:19,851 --> 00:14:21,623
Freakin' told you guys.
332
00:14:24,740 --> 00:14:26,711
All right, we've got just one week
333
00:14:26,722 --> 00:14:29,627
to turn you into a normal,
regular kid who can be adopted.
334
00:14:29,638 --> 00:14:32,534
Parents love reading A-B-C
books with their little ones,
335
00:14:32,545 --> 00:14:34,545
so let's practice that, shall we?
336
00:14:35,403 --> 00:14:37,654
A, asswipe.
337
00:14:37,803 --> 00:14:40,286
Okay, close, close. How about this one?
338
00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:41,824
B, bastard.
339
00:14:41,994 --> 00:14:43,410
We are oh-for-two.
340
00:14:43,501 --> 00:14:44,577
Yeah, I'm gonna skip C.
341
00:14:44,826 --> 00:14:46,860
Feel like I know what
you're gonna say for that.
342
00:14:46,871 --> 00:14:50,070
D, F. And I know you're
gonna go for that F.
343
00:14:50,081 --> 00:14:51,288
Not the usual F.
344
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,118
Yeah, I'm not sure this is gonna work.
345
00:14:57,255 --> 00:14:58,836
You're, like, two hours late, Dad.
346
00:14:58,847 --> 00:15:00,422
I'm sorry Meg, but as an artist,
347
00:15:00,424 --> 00:15:01,920
I simply cannot create
348
00:15:01,931 --> 00:15:03,458
until you are finished dry cleaning
349
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:06,303
- all of my Halloween costumes.
- I tried,
350
00:15:06,314 --> 00:15:09,602
but they couldn't get the stain
out of your Emperor Palpatine robe.
351
00:15:09,613 --> 00:15:12,720
Take it someplace else.
Take it everyplace else.
352
00:15:12,731 --> 00:15:13,980
Ugh.
353
00:15:13,991 --> 00:15:15,949
♪
354
00:15:16,275 --> 00:15:19,401
♪ We keep doing montages ♪
355
00:15:20,541 --> 00:15:22,945
♪ About the wrong things ♪
356
00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:25,665
♪ Here's another one
we should have cut ♪
357
00:15:25,987 --> 00:15:28,701
♪ But the guy who draws these up ♪
358
00:15:29,268 --> 00:15:32,621
♪ And lost custody of his kids ♪
359
00:15:33,045 --> 00:15:35,124
♪ He got a DUI ♪
360
00:15:35,135 --> 00:15:38,719
♪ Since the last montage. ♪
361
00:15:40,705 --> 00:15:42,090
[CHRIS SIGHS]
362
00:15:45,777 --> 00:15:48,420
Chris, what are you doing? [SNIFFS]
363
00:15:48,431 --> 00:15:50,563
Why does it smell so bad in here?
364
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:53,350
Uh, well, my exotic pets
365
00:15:53,361 --> 00:15:55,111
somehow all killed each other.
366
00:15:56,439 --> 00:16:00,316
Still not quite sure what
the sequence was there.
367
00:16:00,576 --> 00:16:03,027
Anyway, Meg, I just want
to say I'm really happy
368
00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:06,655
for you and Dad that you're
doing that website together.
369
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:08,666
Uh, thanks, Chris.
370
00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:10,569
No, thank you.
371
00:16:10,580 --> 00:16:13,306
I just wish I didn't screw
everything up, you know?
372
00:16:13,317 --> 00:16:14,914
Treated you like a carrot muffin
373
00:16:14,957 --> 00:16:16,540
I butt-smothered for money.
374
00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:19,210
But you're not a carrot
muffin, you're my sister.
375
00:16:19,221 --> 00:16:20,882
And I forgot that.
376
00:16:20,893 --> 00:16:23,339
It's okay, Chris, I forgive you.
377
00:16:23,694 --> 00:16:26,008
Hey, call out any Boston market sides.
378
00:16:26,204 --> 00:16:28,624
It's Friday, and we're gorgin'.
379
00:16:31,557 --> 00:16:33,557
♪
380
00:16:35,933 --> 00:16:38,835
Told you, Stewie, nobody
wants to adopt this loser.
381
00:16:43,686 --> 00:16:44,726
Okay, look sharp.
382
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:46,664
These people may be your last chance.
383
00:16:46,675 --> 00:16:49,406
Just do everything the
way we rehearsed it.
384
00:16:50,019 --> 00:16:51,981
Hey, little man, how are you?
385
00:16:51,992 --> 00:16:54,328
I am fine and in good physical health.
386
00:16:54,609 --> 00:16:57,581
Aw. What kind of toys
do you like, sweetie?
387
00:16:57,819 --> 00:17:00,251
Um, you know, a doll,
because that's okay
388
00:17:00,253 --> 00:17:01,689
for a boy, I'm told.
389
00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:03,087
But, you know, any-any toy's fine.
390
00:17:03,130 --> 00:17:04,672
An outside ball for throwing inside.
391
00:17:04,674 --> 00:17:06,090
I mean, you know, whatever you got.
392
00:17:06,166 --> 00:17:08,458
So sweet. Hey,
393
00:17:08,469 --> 00:17:10,052
what do you want to be when you grow up?
394
00:17:10,128 --> 00:17:11,294
When I grow up, I want to be
395
00:17:11,305 --> 00:17:13,722
a body-cam-off police officer.
396
00:17:13,912 --> 00:17:16,496
I-I mean, just a
regular police officer.
397
00:17:22,595 --> 00:17:25,017
How would you like us to adopt you
398
00:17:25,027 --> 00:17:26,568
so that you can come live with us
399
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:29,488
and be a Jets fan, not a Pats fan,
400
00:17:29,532 --> 00:17:31,824
because we are a Jets family.
401
00:17:32,693 --> 00:17:34,985
[EXCLAIMING]
402
00:17:34,996 --> 00:17:38,330
[BLEEP] Jets are a straight
[BLEEP] [BLEEP] franchise, bro.
403
00:17:38,407 --> 00:17:40,490
The last jet that
actually mattered in NYC
404
00:17:40,565 --> 00:17:42,065
is the one that hit the south tower.
405
00:17:42,076 --> 00:17:43,576
Whoa, whoa.
406
00:17:44,168 --> 00:17:45,842
Okay, so that wasn't a match.
407
00:17:51,431 --> 00:17:53,485
I'm sorry. I really thought
I could help you find
408
00:17:53,496 --> 00:17:54,995
a family of your own.
409
00:17:55,006 --> 00:17:56,506
What's going on over there?
410
00:17:56,517 --> 00:17:59,867
Holy crap, it's Mark Wahlberg's
seven freckle-chested sisters
411
00:17:59,878 --> 00:18:01,067
from the fighter.
412
00:18:01,078 --> 00:18:03,647
I'm sorry, ladies, you have to leave.
413
00:18:03,823 --> 00:18:05,364
What? For why?
414
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:07,818
We caught you sneaking outside beers
415
00:18:07,862 --> 00:18:09,480
into the adoption fair.
416
00:18:09,491 --> 00:18:11,786
If you're going to be
at the adoption fair
417
00:18:11,797 --> 00:18:14,283
you have to buy adoption fair beers.
418
00:18:14,490 --> 00:18:16,564
Fine, we'll drink in the parking lot.
419
00:18:16,738 --> 00:18:18,475
Whatever kid doesn't get picked,
420
00:18:18,486 --> 00:18:20,361
just leave him outside.
421
00:18:20,477 --> 00:18:22,333
Hey, April, check out that one.
422
00:18:22,677 --> 00:18:24,820
Whoa, now that's a good-looking
423
00:18:24,831 --> 00:18:27,046
government subsidy right there.
424
00:18:27,837 --> 00:18:31,190
- Um, hi there.
- Hey, bud.
425
00:18:31,201 --> 00:18:34,252
I see you got the same
Aaron Hernandez tattoo I got.
426
00:18:34,296 --> 00:18:36,600
Want to come live with us?
We live near an overpass
427
00:18:36,611 --> 00:18:39,153
and we got lots and lots
of D batteries to throw.
428
00:18:42,767 --> 00:18:44,823
Go on, get out of here.
429
00:18:48,110 --> 00:18:50,426
Have a great life with your seven moms.
430
00:18:50,437 --> 00:18:52,026
Well, one of 'em will be my mom.
431
00:18:52,037 --> 00:18:54,272
Six of 'em will be my girlfriend.
432
00:18:54,283 --> 00:18:56,198
[SHORT CHUCKLE] The dude's a legend.
433
00:19:03,223 --> 00:19:06,307
Hey, baby. I want to party
with that ice cream cone.
434
00:19:06,318 --> 00:19:08,568
Five bucks and I'll sit on it.
435
00:19:10,297 --> 00:19:11,630
Hey. Hey.
436
00:19:13,580 --> 00:19:16,136
Twenty bucks if you'll mash
a Chipwich with your knee.
437
00:19:17,006 --> 00:19:19,515
[SIGHS] Let's see the Chipwich.
438
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,184
No! He doesn't do knee stuff.
439
00:19:22,334 --> 00:19:24,542
What is wrong with you sickos?
440
00:19:25,087 --> 00:19:26,597
What happened to you, man?
441
00:19:26,608 --> 00:19:28,107
This is all I'm good for, Meg.
442
00:19:28,365 --> 00:19:30,401
It's... It's all people see me as.
443
00:19:30,706 --> 00:19:32,438
That's not true, Chris.
444
00:19:32,449 --> 00:19:34,073
You have so much to offer,
445
00:19:34,166 --> 00:19:36,792
and I've got something for you.
446
00:19:36,855 --> 00:19:40,783
- Buttercream?
- You bet your ass, buttercream.
447
00:19:41,619 --> 00:19:42,951
Wait.
448
00:19:43,302 --> 00:19:45,511
This one we do together.
449
00:19:47,264 --> 00:19:49,264
[LAUGHING]
450
00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:51,400
["LOVE LIFE US UP WHERE WE BELONG" BY
JOE COCKER & JENNIFER WARNES PLAYING]
451
00:19:51,435 --> 00:19:55,688
♪ Love lift us up where we belong ♪
452
00:19:56,927 --> 00:20:00,061
♪ Where the eagles cry. ♪
453
00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:08,409
So, Chris, after your recent adventure
454
00:20:08,452 --> 00:20:10,842
behind the scenes of
the adult video world,
455
00:20:10,853 --> 00:20:13,521
you're probably not even able
to enjoy pornography any...
456
00:20:13,532 --> 00:20:15,323
Wrong!
457
00:20:15,816 --> 00:20:18,377
Uh, okay. Well, I got to go to
458
00:20:18,388 --> 00:20:19,744
the county registrar's office.
459
00:20:19,755 --> 00:20:21,755
Need to re-register
our business as inactive
460
00:20:21,799 --> 00:20:23,500
and change our filing status.
461
00:20:23,511 --> 00:20:24,740
♪
462
00:20:24,751 --> 00:20:27,585
♪ Undoing a corporation ♪
463
00:20:28,330 --> 00:20:31,348
♪ Is surprisingly complicated ♪
464
00:20:31,792 --> 00:20:33,642
♪ But it still doesn't make ♪
465
00:20:33,718 --> 00:20:37,303
♪ For a good montage. ♪
466
00:20:37,683 --> 00:20:39,815
Hey, Gavin. Yeah, it's Dad.
467
00:20:40,167 --> 00:20:43,148
Well, the court say I get
two guaranteed calls a week,
468
00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:45,612
so I'm calling. [CHUCKLES]
469
00:20:45,921 --> 00:20:49,131
Can you please tell your
mother to get off the extension?
470
00:20:49,142 --> 00:20:51,922
No, in-person visits
have to be supervised,
471
00:20:51,954 --> 00:20:54,329
but the calls do not
have to be supervised,
472
00:20:54,373 --> 00:20:56,874
so she can get off the phone now.
473
00:20:57,406 --> 00:21:00,502
Daddy knows what Mommy's
breathing sounds like, bud.
474
00:21:00,690 --> 00:21:02,551
Get off the phone, Janet!
475
00:21:02,612 --> 00:21:07,612
- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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