Original subtitles

This is a story about a boat,

a boat that washed up on a beach and changed a lot of lives,

like for a woman called Janet... Janet! ..and Samuel.

My name's Samuel. Hi...Samuel.

And him... What you dinky doing, you?

..and her... Pat Tooh with an H.

..and him... Ben.

You don't know me...

..and this one. Le Tailleur.

And also this guy...

He's not much of a talker.

Argh!

Now, some stories start a long, long time ago.

Some stories start in a deep, dark wood.

Some stories start in a galaxy far, far away.

But this story starts here,

under a damn pylon, with a severed head, of all things.

Shall we begin?

Let's go back in time to the small town of Applebury.

Not the kind of place people die to go to,

more the kind where people go to die.

It starts one morning, a Thursday, I think,

under smokestacks on a lonely country road.

A woman with blue in her hair driving towards a Thursday...

..unlike any other Thursday she'd experienced.

Keith, do you mind? It's like one of the Seven Dwarfs had a fucking brain injury.

I'm five-foot-seven. Perfectly good height for a man.

Anyhow, I don't claim to be musical. That's my brother. Hey!

He does... Less chat, come on, we've got quotas here.

Nigel! Shut it down, there's a jam!

Hang on.

Yeah? Well, tell Maggie to...

Nah. We'll have to get someone from maintenance here.

It's stuck, I can't get it to work and I can't...

OK, clear!

Nige! Argh!

Worst Thursday ever.

Please switch off your engine, so we can board your vessel!

Merde!

Bonsoir.

Do you mind tying that down for us?

Bit nasty out, eh? I've seen worse.

Mind if I take a look around?

May I ask why?

Take a quick look around, then I'll be out your minge.

Mackerel.

Yeah, a whole lot of mackerel.

It was a good haul.

And...not mackerel.

Come on, then.

Argh!

Fucking get up!

You fucking done? Fucking get up!

Fucking get up!

Urgh! Urgh!

# Anything you can do, I can do better... #

Hiya.

Evening.

# No, you can't Yes, I can

# No, you can't Yes, I can. Yes, I can.

# Anything you can be, I can be greater

# Sooner or later, I'm greater than you

# No, you're not Yes, I am

# No, you're not Yes, I am

# No, you're not Yes, I am. Yes, I am!

# I can shoot a partridge with a single cartridge

# I can get a sparrow with a bow and arrow

# I can live on bread and cheese... # Right...

# And only on that? Yes. So can a rat

# Any note you can reach, I can go higher

# I can sing anything higher than you

# No, you can't Yes, I can

# No, you can't Yes, I can

# No, you can't Yes, I can. Yes, I can.

# Anything you can say, I can say faster

# I can say anything faster than you

# No, you can't Yes, I can

# No, you can't Yes, I can

# No, you can't Yes, I can

# No, you can't Yes, I can... #

You could just buy it, you know, love? You can buy them?!

I didn't win it at a fair that only exists for people who can sell them on at fairs.

See, how it works is I buy the stuffed animals,

and then in this stall, people come and they play and they win...

No, I get that. I were just...

Doesn't matter.

I'm out of money anyway. That were my budget for the week.

But it's not your problem. Thanks. Thanks, anyway.

Tell you what, Annie Oakley.

You've practically bought it already, amount you've slapped down.

Here you go, pet.

Are you sure?

Piece of advice. Don't let it shit on the floor and definitely don't kiss it,

or it turns into a 22-stone fuckhead.

Ta.

Alan...

Alan!

Ribbit, ribbit... No way! Hiya, love.

You finally won the beast! Only took eight years.

The approximate lifespan of the West European hedgehog.

Just don't kiss him, or he turns into a 20-stone fuckhead. Ah!

Sorry. How did you do it?

I am Russian spy. You know this.

Ah, right. My hand, it become rocket launcher, I shoot the cans at a local fair

and job done, as they say. Shush, don't tell anybody.

You silly woman.

New hand looks good.

No, it doesn't. But thanks, anyway.

You all right? Yeah. I'll be fine, they'll see me right.

Janet, Janet...

Dearie me.

Bit of a coincidence seeing you here, isn't it?

No, I was out with a friend actually. So... Yeah.

Where is she, then? She's, erm...

Oh, yes, she's over there. She's on one of the... She's on the slide.

No... Oh, no, she's not. Maybe she... Hot-dogs. Candyfloss, or something like that...

She loves candyfloss. You can't keep doing this.

I don't want to get into restraining orders, but...

This is not your life now.

Maybe you'd be happier if you let Jesus into your world.

Like I did.

Let's go.

We're praying for you, Jenny.

It's Janet. You know it's Janet...

She knew full well it was Janet.

She was just fucking with her.

Sorry.

Would you like your fortune read, darling?

I think it's best I don't.

They say fortune favours the brave.

But sometimes, even the bravest souls get left behind.

That's the thing about life, see?

Some frogs never do get kissed.

Some fairy tales never get their ending.

But sometimes,

they find another way.

Drop it.

Good boy.

Come here. Come here!

Jump. That's nice.

Come here. Come on, then. Good boy.

Morning.

Morning.

Don't normally see anyone else this time.

I don't sleep well.

Me neither.

Wow! Quick, yours. Ah, no, he's not mine.

The neighbour lets me take him out.

You're not from round here?

What gave it away?

Oh, you know...

Everything.

Yeah. Just moved up from London.

We're "one of those".

Tired of the rat race, were it?

Yeah. Something like that.

Tom!

Tom! Where are you?

Tom?

OK. Major Tom?

Major Tom!

I'm sorry to have kept you waiting. We seem to have misplaced our cat.

When Major Tom returns, would you please give us a call? Thank you.

You're leaving me your cat?

Thank you.

And the sea air of course, good for the soul, they say.

Well, your new home has been officially recognised as the country's hairiest arsehole.

Makes Peterborough look like...Portugal.

I think it's people make places.

Then we're really fucked.

Sorry.

What the hell...? Bette, come here.

What is it? What is it, girl?

What is...?

Jesus Christ!

Oh, God!

Call the police. My phone's out.

Right. Just fucking... Come on.

You got to look at this. What?

Fucking hell! Yeah.

What are you waiting for? There's two dead people here.

The street value's got to run into tens of millions...

So what? Let's just, erm... Let's just give this a minute.

Let's just think... There's nowt to think about.

Jesus! Give me your fucking phone! Just, erm...

Sometimes... Sometimes, the world...

The world throws you a bone.

But you don't always see it. You don't always recognise it, but...

This, what's happening right now, this is the world throwing us a bone.

You want to fucking take it?

I don't know.

Are you mad?

My name's Samuel. What's your name?

What? Look, this situation's fucked up enough as it is without us being total strangers.

My name's Samuel. What's yours, please?

It's Janet. OK. Janet. OK.

Hi, Janet.

Hi, Samuel.

Erm...

Listen... Listen, Janet, erm, back in London, I was a lawyer.

And I, think I might... I know this is fucking insane, it's insane, I know, but...

I think I know someone who'd give us a lot of money for this.

I just came here to walk the bloody dog. So did I!

But then the world... Threw us a bone, yeah. Only it's not a bone.

It's a load of cocaine, the size of a fucking Nissan!

I've gambled away my entire life savings.

I sold my house, which is why we moved here.

Camilla, my wife, has no idea.

I don't know what your story is... No, you don't. Right.

But you are telling me you can't use a few million quid?

It is not that simple. But it could be.

Sometimes, you know, the best thing to do is to look out for yourself.

Cos God knows life kicks you in the bollocks often enough,

and when you get a chance you need to take it, grab it with

both hands, because there's nothing worse than living with regret...

Where would we keep it?

We should go.

Oh, shit! What?

I gotta clean my dog.

We missed our date last night.

But I'd already paid the deposit,

so I had a whole beef Wellington to myself.

And I ate it all,

the whole soddin' Wellington.

So are you going to give me a call back, or what?

Just a text or anything, just to let me know that you're all right.

Just call me, all right, love?

Turns out the policeman's boyfriend was also a policeman.

And while he was calling his dead lover,

Samuel was washing his Pomeranian in the sea.

Come on, come on, come on.

Where the fuck were you? What took you so long?

There was a woman...on the beach.

She saw me.

What? Christ...

Well, she didn't see my face. Come on, just fucking drive.

Hmm.

999, what's your emergency?

Yes, there's a Code 4 down at Applebury beach.

A boat on the shore.

No need for sirens, just the meat wagon.

Your name, please?

Pat Tooh, with an H.

Right, are you able to wait a while, while we send an ambulance?

I used to be a paramedic, love. Trust me, they're extremely dead.

They're on their way. Ah, lovely.

Yes?

What is it?

Sh!

Sh, sh, sh, sh!

Ah, hold on, hold on.

Say that again.

You are talking about my shipment?

But this is a joke.

Tell me it's a joke.

This is how.

Where are we even going?

I think we should drop the dogs off first.

Then I passed a storage unit on my way in.

Storage? Right. You've got all the answers, haven't you,

Mr Storage Face?

Sorry, you got a charger?

Just my phone's...

My wife's, it's in there.

That'll do it.

Oh, I don't understand what just happened.

I feel like my heart's beating right outside my chest.

Maybe that's because it is.

Shit.

OK.

OK, just...

Just stay calm. I am.

I'm talking to myself. Oh.

Come on, come on, come on.

Keep calm, remember?

Oh, no. What?

What shall I do?

Don't do anything. Just wait and... Huh...

OK.

I'll get out of the way, nice...and slow.

What the fuck are you doing? What do you mean, what am I doing?

It's a one-way street! What? Oh, shit.

What is wrong with you?

I wasn't thinking. Well, start. Pull over!

What? What if we just hit the pedal and we don't look back?

We're not Thelma and Louise, you daft bastard. We're in Applebury.

Stop the fucking car.

Stay calm. Yes, yes, I know.

I'm talking to MYSELF now.

Hi, officer. So, look, I'm new here,

and I, erm, was meant to take a different turning

and I ended up going down this one-way street.

You know you're going down a one-way street?

Yes, and I'm so sorry. Erm...

You can't do that. No, er...

What if a car was coming towards you? Or a bicycle?

Neither would be good. Or a van.

Absolutely. A mobility scooter.

Right... A kid on a skateboard.

Or those shoes with wheels on.

Can you imagine how that could have ended up?

Terrible. Be dead.

Hiya. You all right?

So, I really am very sorry.

And I'm sorry to be wasting police time.

It's important, the job you guys do.

My friend and I, we were just out walking our dogs together.

Dog buddies!

Yes, dog friends, and we got talking and, er, the turning...

All right.

Tell me something, sir. Yes.

In the back of your car there...

..is that a whippet?

Yes, yes. Yeah, he's called Rambo. Rambo.

My mummy used to have a whippet.

Beautiful creatures, aren't they? Yeah.

Odd little bodies, though. You can see their ribs.

- Yeah, you can. - Ben, come on.

Look, all right, no harm done, all right?

But please be more careful next time. Yes, will do.

Yeah, of course. Thanks. See you later. Right.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Dog buddies?

I panicked.

And that's just ten of the great uses for safety pins.

Harold's Life Hacks - hit the subscribe button below.

Hey. We need storage.

Oh, and, er, these.

Right, we've got a padlock each,

so it needs both of us if we want to get into it.

Don't you trust me?

You said you were a lawyer, didn't you?

You can just ask me, you know.

Ask you what? My hand. You keep staring at it

like it's a pair of tits. No, I don't! You do.

It were a work accident -

hand versus industrial metal-pressing machine.

Guess who lost.

Good lawyer could get you six figures.

Oh, my God! I never thought of that!

No, me, erm...

My manager, he, er, he gave me some whisky after it happened.

Don't tell the bods upstairs that you saw this.

It'll just take the edge off it.

I downed the lot,

on account of the extreme fucking agony I were experiencing.

He later claimed that I were drinking on the job,

so, no pay-out...for me.

You can ask me anything, you know.

I'm all right, actually.

Sorry, got to take this.

Hello, Samuel speaking.

You're joking.

OK. No, thanks. It's great. I, erm...

Can I call you back? It's not a good time.

Thank you.

Who were that? It's my cat, Major Tom.

Your what?

No, my cat's not calling me, obviously.

It's, er, my estate agent.

When we moved out of the house in London,

the cat went AWOL, and it seems he's back.

You moved house and you left your cat behind?

What the fuck am I doing?

What now?

I don't know.

What are you supposed to do after something like this?

I thought you could use this.

Soy, right? Oh, Colin, you're the best!

It's all right. I was passing anyway.

I'd better be getting on. Yeah.

Why don't you just ask her out?

I've, er, actually written her a note.

Great. Just what every grown woman wants.

Follow it up by pulling her pigtails and telling her she smells

and you're golden.

Love might have been in the air for Colin,

but, for Arthur Lake,

it was quite the opposite.

As he sat there lost in a haze of pain and sadness,

the last thing he needed to hear was the words...

You all right, buddy?

Buddy?

Who are you? Ben.

You don't know me. Or my name. Clearly.

I just wanted to say how sorry I was about what happened

to your life-partner.

I really am sorry, buddy.

It's all right if I call you buddy, isn't it?

He seemed nice.

I'm not that way inclined, you know, but if I were, I'd be interested.

He probably wouldn't be interested in me anyway, would he?

I wonder who would.

Ian, maybe.

Do you know Ian?

Arthur... Come on.

How are you doing?

As you'd expect.

I know you'd rather be anywhere but here right now,

only something's come up.

How do you mean?

Mark took a unit boat out onto the water,

but the case number he assigned to it...

It doesn't exist.

Sorry, I don't... Erm...

What are you asking me?

He takes a police vessel out into the ocean - at night, on his own.

Next thing we know, we find him in that fishing boat

with an as yet unidentified body.

Are you saying he was on the take?

Because if you are, sir, that's some fucking bollocks.

Not here, lad. In my office. I'm fine where I am, thanks.

We're just trying to piece things together, that's all.

I fucking loved him!

So don't you dare stand there and make out like

him being killed was somehow his fault!

Mark was a good officer.

The whole force has suffered a loss today.

Nice eulogy.

You going to bury his reputation alongside his fucking corpse?

Nice and easy.

Good boy.

I'm not doing rock, paper, scissors.

Why?

Cos it's stupid.

And we've got pubes now, that's why.

Well, how about foot, cockroach, nuclear bomb?

What the fuck is that?

Well, it's basically rock, paper, scissors.

Oh, for fuck's sake. No, I'm not doing it.

All right, Ron, answer me this.

How many times did you fail your driving test?

Twice.

Three times.

Fucked up the three-point turn.

Well, there you go.

You're driving this time.

Oh, and do me a favour,

have a little think about what we're going to eat later.

This place I drew the map on looks lovely.

20% voucher off and all, eh?

You know it makes sense.

Right, let's do it.

Hmm...

Please, no...

Please... Plea-...

Get down, get down...

Read it when this is done, would you? Sh.

No, no.

Stand up.

Where's the evidence locker?

It says it should fucking be here, now where is it?

I think it's the wrong way round.

Ah...

Cheers.

Wrong fucking floor. Basement.

No, no, no.

It's not here.

It's fucking not here.

It were just a friend.

Oh! Get two-for-one with a fax machine there, did you?

No.

It's so I don't have a 24-hour casino in my pocket.

Ah, sorry.

Ah, OK...

Why are you looking at me like that?

Because I am wondering why you agreed to do something like this.

Cos you're so persuasive.

Let me tell you something.

You know my secrets...

..all of them. Fucking hell.

You're the only person in the world who does.

I reckon this is a safe space.

OK.

That weren't me friend that texted earlier.

It were me ex, Peter.

Cos I accidentally, on purpose -

- very on-purpose - bumped into our boy

the other day and he mentioned a restraining order again.

A restraining order? That's your son, isn't it?

He's not, actually. I mean, he is.

He were just a baby when I met his dad.

His mum had buggered off and then suddenly there I were.

Not a bloody clue what I were doing.

And I bloody loved it, every minute.

Anyway, Peter, he met a younger model

who were hard for Jesus, so that were that.

So, now I can't see him anymore.

So, from being a mum to being...

..numb, I suppose.

Yeah, like I never fucking existed.

That's shit. Sorry.

Oh, fucking hell.

Can I... Can I show you something?

So, this is...yours?

It's the last painting I sold.

It's beautiful.

Yeah, at least I kept the hand I paint with.

No, I mean it.

You have real talent.

Shades of Demuth...

Charles Demuth.

OK...

Attention, all shoppers,

Tinley Shopping Centre will close today at 4pm due to an incident...

Yep. Years of effort and if you're lucky,

maybe you get a spot in the Tinley Centre.

Why'd you bring me here?

Sometimes I come here and I pretend like I'm in some art gallery

and it's like I'm in some alternate reality

where I'm not the unluckiest person in the world.

So why did...?

You asked me

why I agreed to do this, right? Mm-hm.

Cos everything I thought I had -

my future, me... Me fucking fingers,

and me boy -

it's all nothing.

And I am... I am done with nothing.

And you need to know that.

Do not fuck me over on this.

Do not fuck me over on this, please.

You OK, love?

He hasn't told you anything, has he?

Who? Oh, your dad?

No, no, apart from where I can stick it. Why?

It's just, it feels like there's something going on.

Like, afoot, you might even say.

Dad and Suzie, they keep going quiet whenever I come into a room like...

Got to go. He's coming back.

Alan. Alan?

Fuck's sake.

Well, we should probably, er, call it a night

before your cat takes out a second mortgage.

Yes, yes, yes.

The family will be wondering where I got to.

So, erm, all right.

Well, then, erm, yeah.

I'll... I'll...

I'll be in touch. Oh...

Right, leave it to the one with one hand.

Actually, I can't just go and pretend it's been a normal day.

I'm going to go and drink some more.

So, despite what you said, you are welcome to come and join me.

Let's leave Janet and Samuel doing karaoke...

..and go find Arthur running

away from grief

and towards a whole new set of problems.

Look, whatever you're selling, piss off, all right?

I'm not selling anything, Mr Lake.

How are you?

Who's this?

Le Tailleur.

The Tailor, like you would say.

But, like most things, it sounds better in French.

We haven't met, but you have something of mine, I think.

I don't know what you're talking about.

The boat was found, and two bodies -

my associate, your partner,

and the boat's cargo is gone.

My people checked the police evidence room.

I've done my work, you see.

You were working together to steal from me.

Mate, I don't know who the fuck you are

or what the fuck you are talking about, all right?

Don't. Please.

Another shipment of mine was taken six weeks ago.

Two men in police uniform.

Now, one, I can shrug it off -

bad luck, the cost of doing business -

but two...? Get fucked.

I believe appearances are very important,

no matter what your business.

Perception is no mere superficial concern, it is everything.

And the perception of my organisation,

to lose two shipments...

You see my problem?

Seems to me you've got another problem, pal.

You've got to find me first.

# Ground Control to Major Tom... #

He claimed not to know anything.

So, I have a journey to make.

No, no, I'm looking forward to it.

It's good to get out of the house once in a while.

The thing about stories is,

it's they can take you anywhere.

To well-paid mass murderers in search of 20% discounts...

..to the places that we thought were gone

and maybe lost forever.

Fairy tales about frogs being kissed that needed an ending...

..to a boy playing an instrument

thinking about the mother he wishes could be his mother.

# This is Ground Control to Major Tom

# You've really made the grade

# And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear

# Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare... #

I will find the money and hang them from the sky.

When I'm done...

..there will be nothing left.

Yes, stories can take us anywhere,

sometimes even back to the beginning,

or the end, depending on how you look at it.

I'll give you a fiver to touch it.

You reckon we should tell someone?

Oi!