Original subtitles

Previously on Shining Vale...

Hold on tight, Patricia.

What'd you think would

- happen, darling? - I just thought

- I'd be missed. - Nobody wants you here.

I bought baby sharks.

- Isn't it fun? - Hello, dear.

- This is Ruth. - I used to know someone

who looked just like you.

I just met the face

of my mental illness.

What am I supposed to do now?

Stick to the story. No ghosts.

You had a mental breakdown while you were writing

your book, and now you're recovered.

What about Terry?

Does he know about the choppy-choppy?

- Hi. - Kathryn. Mm.

Something happened. I wrote it down.

I wanna choose my words carefully.

It's not happening. I don't feel sexy.

If you drink this,

you are gonna be moist in all the right places.

I don't like this game.

Jake and I don't need you, and Dad doesn't remember you.

Something disturbing happened in my past.

It's right here, and I can't get to it.

What about art therapy?

Come on. Put it together.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Lacy. I was just on your show.

Okay.

Hey, I think I know who Rosemary is.

What?

Oh!

What are you gonna do?

In five, four, three...

Welcome back to Good Morning Shining Vale.

When we last saw my guest,

she was fresh from the bug house

and frankly looked like hell,

but now you look terrif.

Aww, thanks, Lacy.

I just wanna say, I'm so sorry about the bus thing.

Oh, it's fine.

I don't even remember it.

Well, let's talk about your skin.

Why does it look so glowy?

Aww. Oh!

Can we talk about your skin?

I-I think you should see a doctor.

I said I'm fine!

I don't have any drugs,

if that's what you're looking for.

I'm not looking for drugs.

I'm looking for a pad.

- A what? - A maxi pad.

I got my period.

Why is that funny?

Because you're, like, 100.

This is not the time.

Then don't use Civil War terms like "maxi pad."

Okay, give me a Tampax.

Judging by your personality,

I assume you have your period, what, every four days?

People my age actually don't use tampons.

I use a DivaCup.

Okay, can I borrow one?

It's not a Netflix password.

You don't share it.

What am I supposed to do?

What'd women do in olden times

when they got their periods?

They thanked God they weren't pregnant.

I meant die.

Oh, shit.

I wanted to tell you. I did.

I just thought it would be too traumatic.

Where was the restraint when you were

hitting me with an axe?

That's not me.

Yes, it is. I'm bad at painting hands.

I was sick.

I didn't know what I was doing, but I'm better, and so are you.

That's the headline.

How 'bout this head line,

where you hit me with a fuckin' axe?

There's literally a permanent mark on my head.

You can have that taken off.

They're doing tremendous work with lasers.

I'm sorry, Terry.

I'm sorry that I hit you in the head with an axe.

I'm sorry I broke our family.

I'm sorry that I was ever born.

I'm sorry...

I'm on my period.

Oh, my God, Pat.

We're here to make progress, not gross jokes.

I just wanna know why she did it,

because according to you, we had a pretty great marriage.

We did. Mostly.

We had one axe fight in 18 years.

That is not terrible.

Well, what was our solitary axe fight about, Pat?

No, nothing. Everything.

- I-it doesn't matter. - It does to me!

Terry, we have a saying:

"If it's hysterical,

it's historical."

Fights aren't just about one thing.

They're an accumulation of every unresolved issue.

You have the benefit of a blank slate.

I wish all my patients would

get hit in the head with an axe.

That-that's... no, I--no.

No, I--I don't. Sorry.

Terry, it's true.

You're the lucky one.

I would give anything to just forget about

all the bad stuff and go back to being a normal family.

You go back to work in the city,

and I promote my book,

Gaynor goes back to school, and Jake...

does whatever Jake does.

I worked in the city?

- Yeah. - Which city?

- The city. - Hartford.

No, Manhattan.

You took the train in every day.

- By myself? - Yeah.

You were a partner in a financial firm,

and you loved your job.

- Really? - Yeah.

You know, I-I do think I remember.

Uh, I wore a suit.

- Yes. - And a--and a tie.

I had that-- that black briefcase.

- Mm-hmm. - I remember this.

Going back to work will give you

a sense of purpose.

Plus, it'll get you out of the house.

I'm goin' back to work.

Thank God.

Ahh!

Gets me every time.

Roxy, what are you doi--

God, you perv.

I'm with Roxy.

You look fantastic, like you're wearing the skin

of a teenager.

Speaking of, this tea of yours--

- this is weird to ask, but-- - You're menstruating.

Yes. What the hell?

It's my herbs.

They stimulate the hormones

and they make you more youthful everywhere, yeah.

I mean, for me, looking and feeling younger

is worth a monthly visit from Aunt Rosie.

As much as I love skipping gym class,

I do not like seeing Aunt Rosie.

Well, I have been tinkering with the formula,

but this is the one that works.

- Mm. - Are there a couple

of side effects?

Sure, but what won't women do

to turn back the hands of time, right?

- A couple of side effects? - Some women,

they say that they have these really intense dreams,

like surrealistic, like it's really happening

and there's no escape.

Some other women really don't mind

plucking barbed wire hairs from their chinny chin chins.

I mean, it's really your call.

I have no horse in this race.

Well, maybe I'll stick with it for just a little longer,

get me through the book signing.

Good girl.

Do you know where I could get a DivaCup?

Apparently period technology has changed.

Honey, just do what I do.

Take a weeklong float on a cotton raft.

Uh-oh.

I think your raft is leaking.

Oh, look at that.

We're synced.

Sorry, we didn't think you'd be back so soon.

"Such a hot duck, de-death."

"Suck a hot dick, death."

It's an inside joke that did not age well.

I will have someone clear all this out

and burn that poster.

No, keep it.

Let the company save some money in case I die again.

So you really don't remember anything?

Oh, I remember things.

Hmm.

You smell familiar.

Okay. I hope that's a good thing.

It seems to be.

I have a feeling we got along very well.

Why do you say that?

We're holding hands.

Oh, fuck. Sorry.

Not very professional.

Um--

Oh.

- There you go. - Mm.

So what do you wanna do here, work-wise?

I mean, if you feel ready.

Honestly, my, um, skill set is smoking, painting,

and reading simple sentences.

That's so weird. You were in charge

of the Smoking, Painting, and Simple Sentence Division.

Excellent.

It's really great to have you back, Terry.

Thank you, Kathryn.

Mm, yeah.

Um, Kath-éryn, that-that's what--

that's how you used to say my name.

- Kath-éryn? - Yes, exactly.

- Why? - I have no idea.

Um, nobody actually knows.

Anyway, um,

I will see you later, Phelps.

- Bye. - Bye.

Kath-éryn.

"She wiped her plush lips

"of his pearly love nectar,

savoring every drop of his man juice."

Yuck.

All right.

Thank you to Pat Phelps

for reading that dirty, dirty chapter.

Mrs. Phelps will now sign copies of her book

before it gets banned.

Trish, you fucking killed it.

Seriously?

I felt like I was reading someone else's book.

Who cares?

You look like you're 30.

And what animal fetus are you putting on your face?

I just--I--

My neighbor gave me this herbal tea,

but it does have side effects.

I started my period.

No, I'm serious.

It's like my uterus is aging in reverse.

- What the fuck? - Oh!

Fuck you, bird.

- Oh, my God. What-- - I am so sorry.

That has never happened here before.

Okay.

I'm gonna go.

Good luck with the book signing, and call me tomorrow.

Oh, and get me some of that period tea.

Okay.

Fucking birds.

- Hi, Pat. - Hi.

So exciting. Hmm.

There you go, Robyn. Thanks.

We're so proud of you, Pat.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

You'll have to come speak at our book club.

Ooh, sounds great.

Oh, Robyn, I wanted to tell you.

The-the lady next door that you sold the house to, Ruth?

I figured out who she is.

Oh.

- How-how did you do that? - 'Cause she told me.

We used to take a yoga class together in Brooklyn.

Oh. Oh.

Well, what a small world.

Why did you get nervous?

I guess you just make people nervous, Pat.

Bye.

Holy fuck!

Jake, honey. Are you okay?

No!

There's a goat harassing me in my VR,

there's a ton of pressure for me to win tonight's game,

and my belly hurts.

Well, you can't be under that much pressure, right?

You're-you're just the mascot.

You don't understand sports!

No, I don't,

but I do understand tummy aches.

It's probably just a little bubble.

Come on. You know the drill, mister.

Paws up.

Okay.

Anything?

Mm.

Ah.

There it is. Thanks, Mom.

Okay, sweetie.

It was so much cuter when he was younger.

Wow.

Ahh! God.

Laird? What are you doin' in my room?

I-I-I didn't mean to scare you.

You just looked so peaceful getting dressed.

You watched me getting dressed?

No.

Wow, I guess this is where the magic happens, huh?

That's kind of personal.

No, I meant fucking.

Yes, I was able to crack that code.

Truth is, Pat and I haven't really gotten around to that.

Why not? She's superhot.

Thank you.

Yeah, I don't know, just given everything that happened.

Yeah, yeah. You know, I heard.

You knew that Pat hit me with an axe?

What?

No, I heard you fell down the stairs.

Why would she hit you with an axe?

- You're superhot. - Thank you.

Hey, uh, did I ever talk to you about a-a woman at work?

I don't think so. Why?

Well... there's this, uh, boss of mine.

We seem to have this flirty chemistry.

- I don't know. - Oh, come on.

You're so lucky, you know?

I-I hate my boss.

I thought you worked for yourself.

I do.

What? Gimme that.

I miss bras.

What is this?

What is that?

I'm still a little rusty with the curvy letters here.

You mind reading this?

No, no. Here.

Oh.

Do you mind reading it out loud?

Sorry, I...

uh, "Dearest Pat, I'm sad to report

that last night, I violated our marriage covenant."

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Uh, "Fueled by many cocktails or"...

oh.

"I shared a kiss with Kathryn Dunn."

Kathryn.

I had an affair.

That's why Pat hit me with an axe.

Eff yeah.

Hey, I was thinkin', maybe we should, uh...

go away.

We were both just away.

And why do you think my mom is getting her mail here?

Yeah, I don't know. That's weird, right?

Maybe a little sailboat in the Caribbean,

Captain Terry and his first mate.

Um, but you just started work, and I don't like boats--

I know you don't, but I just feel like

we need a little bit of alone time.

And listen, I saw Kathryn today.

- Holy shit. - I know.

And I know you don't like to talk about the past, but--

Gaynor took her ACT while we were away.

These are her test scores.

Oh?

Yeah. Oh, I wanna see them so bad.

But if I open it, she will lose her mind.

Yeah.

- Unless you do it. - What?

No, I'm not gonna do that to Button.

What if you do it accidentally?

How would I accidentally open a--

Oops.

Oh, my God.

Ooh.

Gaynor aced it!

Are you fucking kidding me?

You opened my mail.

- Terry! - Sorry, Button.

I...

your mom tried to stop me.

Oh, that's okay, Dad.

I'm sure it came from a good place.

Oh, thank you.

I opened it.

I could have you arrested.

That's a federal offense.

You know what they do in prison to people

who open other people's mail?

- You got a perfect score. - I don't care what...

what?

I mean, I knew you were smart, but you crushed it.

You can go to any college you want.

I told you, I'm not going to college.

When I was your age, I also thought I knew everything.

But if you don't take advantage of this, you will regret it.

I'm not you.

Honey, I think your mother's just very proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.

Stay out of my shit.

Stupid affair.

Terry Phelps.

Idiot.

Oh, Ruth!

I-I am so sorry.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I was just, I guess, a little distracted.

I've been going through some stuff, so--

Oh, okay. Well...

uh, I'm-I'm a really good listener.

Oh, I...

yeah, well, if you wanna know, Ruth,

I, uh, found out I've been a bad husband.

How bad? I'll tell ya how big

of a diamond to buy her.

Oh.

Well, I betrayed Pat.

And I think I destroyed our family.

You got a diamond for that?

I can help you, but it'll cost you.

I'd give anything,

honestly, to make this all good again.

Will you sell your soul to the Dark One?

What's that?

I was pullin' your chain.

Ruth!

Oh, you should've seen your face.

You got me.

I did. I have you.

Listen, you just fix my fence, and I will go inside

I will make you the most delicious dessert

that will knock her pants off.

- Deal. - All right. Well, gosh.

"Dark One," this guy!

- You had me. - Oh, I have you.

Patty.

I'm just dropping this mail off

and telling you to stop using our address

for whatever government agency you're hiding from.

It's not that.

Connecticut taxes are different than New York.

It's a...

It's a pyramid thing.

Oh. The less you know, the better.

Excellent.

My luck, we'll be sharing a jail cell.

What--hey, what are you doing to your hair and your skin?

You look younger than me.

That's because I've been drinking this lady tea

that the neighbor gave me,

and you're 17 years older than me.

Shh.

I need this tea.

It is pretty great, if you don't mind

getting your period and having these crazy dreams.

What kind of dreams?

You heard the thing about the period, right?

You need to watch those dreams.

That's how I know I got out too early the first time.

The first time? You were there for four years.

No, the hospital let me out for a bit six months in.

I didn't come home. I-I drove to Taos

to a balloon regatta.

Seriously?

Wait, you went to see a balloon race

instead of coming home to your child?

They only do those twice a year.

And anyhow, I-I never got to see it because he came back.

Who's he?

I used to think I saw someone, a man with a hat,

and I thought I was cured because he stopped showing up.

And then the first night in Taos,

he came back in my dreams

and then he was there.

You mean in your head?

In my room.

No, mm-mm. I'm not doing this.

I'm not--I--

I'm not going back there.

I've kicked this thing.

No, I'm just saying, we have strong genes

and great bone structure,

but it comes with the price of cuckoo.

Sometimes I think it's not worth it.

No, I'm not you.

I am a brunette.

So am I.

You're right. You're not me.

I never had a good man.

That was almost a compliment.

Bit of advice,

men are like sharks.

They stick around for two things.

- Mom. - Feeding and fucking.

Are you feeding Terry?

Not really.

Then you better start fucking.

Oh!

Shit.

Awesome game today, bro.

Good man, Phelps!

Thanks, guys.

It's a team effort. Whoo!

What?

Hey, Goat!

I said, "Hey, Goat!"

Quit screwing with me!

Get off me, asshole!

- Who are you? - The mascot from Westbury Tech.

I don't remember their mascot being a goat.

It used to be something super racist.

We changed it.

Okay.

Well, I'm-I'm sorry I tackled you.

I thought you were--ow!

Ow.

Hello.

- Terry? - Patty?

- Is that you? - Oh.

- Hi. - Hey.

- What's going on? - Oh, shoot.

I've been here for a couple hours.

I somehow pictured you comin' through the kitchen door here.

I can go around.

No, no, no, no. I, um--

I'll loopy-loop.

Just the hip.

- Patty, where'd you go? - Holy fuck, Terry.

No, no. Stay right where you are.

Welcome to Chez Phelps.

What's this all about?

Oh, it's just some strawberries

and a little champagne and chocolate.

Mmm.

You shouldn't have.

Well, I wanted to say thank you

to my very, uh, loving and forgiving--

...wife.

No, I meant I'm an alcoholic,

and I'm allergic to strawberries.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Um, chocolate it is.

This-this is, uh-- this is amazing.

Uh, here you go.

I can't believe you're feeding me.

- Yeah. - Mmm.

That's really delicious.

- Yeah. - Mmm.

That is, uh, Ruth's famous chocolate mouse.

It's pronounced "mousse."

Well, not when it's made with Ruth's...

..."herbs."

Why are you looking at me like that?

I know about the affair.

Fuck.

Yeah.

I should've told you.

Um, I didn't want you to relive it.

You are the kindest human being.

Honestly, can-can we just forget that this ever happened?

Really?

You are the best husband.

Me? You-you are the best wife.

Let's make love.

Okay.

Oh, my things.

Whoo! Love this place!

Hey, your legs are getting better.

Not really.

Hi, Jesus' brother.

It's, uh, Gaynor.

I know I've been more on the naughty than nice list,

but I need your help.

I... I have the chance to go to college.

And, uh, I'm afraid if I go, my mom'll go batshit again,

and no one will be here to protect the family.

So if you could just...

give me some kind of sign, that would be really cool.

- Oh, yes! - Uh-huh.

- Yeah, baby. - Fuck me.

All right, baby.

Thank you.

Ahoy, Patty.

Oh, this damn thing.

- What are you doing? - Well, I figured

we'd go for round two, but looks like

we got a little double knot here.

It's...

- Can I help you? - No, no.

I--you got a safety pin or something around here?

- Oh, my God. - Well, look.

Here, please just move your hands.

- Okay. My finger is stuck. - Okay.

- All right, let's get these-- - Easy.

Oy!

You better get downstairs, miss.

Big storm comin'.

Why are you talking like that?

Just get the fuck downstairs.

Hi, Pat.

We're gonna have to tie these legs down.

Unfortunately, there isn't time to shave them.

Well, if you don't like the legs, don't look north.

Did you enjoy the chocolate mouse?

It's a herbal aphrodisiac.

What's happening?

What are you doing?

Just doing a little art therapy.

What's going on?

Patty, just relax.

Did I miss it?

Laird, what are you doing?

I'm sor--this isn't what...

this is?

No. Get out.

My bad. Um...

Totally misunderstood the situation.

Hi, Pat. Um, mm...

- you're all superhot. - All right, let's go.

No one was answering the door.

Spleph era ew.

Spleph era ew.

Enjoy the float on the cotton raft.

Spleph era ew.

Spleph era ew.

- Spleph-- - This isn't a fucking dream!

- Spleph era ew. - Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh, it's okay, Roxy.

Mommy had a bad dream.

No more tea for me.

Oh, my God.

Wow.