All language subtitles for Dicks The Musical (2023)

New York City.

Population: 100.

A land full of CEOs,
VIPs and STIs.

And with that many people,

there's bound to be
a few great stories.

Like this one.

Our story begins
like all great stories,

with two straight men.

Oh, fuck, I am good.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

This is Craig Tiddle.

And this is Trevor Brock.

- They're twins.
- Identical twins.

Fuck you! They are.

And how do I know all of this?

Because I'm God.

That's right. God.

He/him. The greatest
storyteller of all time.

Check the sales of my book.

Number-one bestseller
in the world.

They're highly successful
alpha males.

Virile. Strong.

And oh-so-very manly.

Fuck yeah.

Wow, those twins
really have it all.

Oh! Good morning!

Or do they?

Craig and Trevor
don't know they're twins.

They were separated at birth
and have never met.

But that all changes today.

Oh, Craig, I think
you dropped your mug.

Keep it, old lady.
I got a lot of mugs.

I got a lot of everything.

Wow, your life seems perfect.

Trust me, my smelly friend,
it is.

I got a mansion
in the Hamptons

I got a bungalow upstate

I got a penthouse
just for fucking

And another
where I masturbate

Pow

The money just keeps
rolling in

The good times never stop

There's never been
a man like me

And I'll always be on top

Package for Trevor Brock.

Fuck this tiny thing.

I already got the biggest
package in town.

My cock is fucking massive

It always leaves
the ladies sore

Seven inches long
Curves to the left

Then it goes
ten inches more

- Ooh!
- I got girls and cash

Cars and booze

I'm the cream
of the fucking crop

There's never been
a man like me

And I'll always be on top

Thanks, doll.

Mm-mm.

Oop.

You have a good day.

Huh?

Whoa.

- You're welcome.
- You're welcome.

I'm the best

So fucking blessed

Sexy, smart
It's just not fair

I slay pussy everywhere

I get what I want

And what I got I flaunt

And though some people
find it strange

No one's gonna
make me change

Oh, my God.

Sorry, you just...

You really look like me.

I think you mean
that you look like me.

- Craig Tiddle.
- Trevor Brock.

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

I think I got some lube
on you.

Hey, no worries.
I'll save that for later.

Say, where do you work?

GVPI. It's my first day at the
new corporate headquarters.

Hot damn! Me, too.

You must be from
the downtown office?

That I am. Take it you're
from the uptown branch?

- My reputation precedes me.
- Nope. Never heard of you.

Actually, I'm the one who's
never heard of you, so...

Well, you should've
heard of me,

because I'm
the number-one salesman

this company's got.

Hate to break it to you,
buddy,

but last time I checked,
I was number one.

Craig Tiddle's always on top.

You might be on top of
a sex offenders registry,

but I've always been
the best salesman.

Fuck you, pal.
I've had a record month.

While you were in bed
milking your morning wood,

I've been pounding
the pavement making sales.

If you think
I can't make sales

and jerk off at the same time,

you got another thing
coming because...

I always get
the things I want

There's no way I can flop

There's never been
a man like me

And I'll always be
I'll always be

I'll always be on top

Global Vroomba Parts

No, we don't sell Vroombas

Just the parts
Like the gears

And the wheels
and those teeny tiny brushes

Listen to me,
you piece of shit.

The sooner you make me money,

the sooner you can afford
health insurance.

Health care is a luxury.

This is... gorgeous.

Beautiful. A beautiful space.

Craig Tiddle,
Trevor Brock.

My two top salesmen.

Oh, um, actually,
I'm Trevor.

Yeah, and I'm Craig.

Oh, okay, well...

You two motherfuckers look
like y'all could be twins.

- Mm, I don't see it.
- I think we actually

- look very dissimilar.
- Yeah.

I guess it's just, uh, uh,

some shit that I
really don't care about.

I'm your new boss,
Gloria Masters.

Wow, a-a lady boss.

I guess it really is
the year that it is.

- I'm crazy about that.
- Yes, the year of the pussy.

Exactly. So, boss,
we were wondering,

which one of us
is top salesman

and which one is
a dumb little baby?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

As you can see right here,
I have installed a leaderboard

that tracks y'all's sales.

Plug 'er in, fellas.

- Yes! Yes!
- Oh, no.

Trevor Brock, my prize pig.

But the rest
of you motherfuckers?

Get to work.

Hey, tough titty, Tiddle.

Hey, but chin up, maybe you
could be my assistant.

All my assistants
suck my dick.

What in God's green hell?

Mark me down
for 2,000 wheels, 2,000 gears

and 3,000 of those
teeny tiny brushes.

That's a big sale.

Let this be a lesson to you.

Use people, like pawns
on a checkerboard.

Son of a fucking bitch.

That's right.
Back where I belong.

For now.
I'll admit, you're good.

It's gonna be fun
to crush you.

Right back at you.

- May the best man...
- Win.

Win. I was gonna say that.

Craig Tiddle's
fucking awesome

Trevor Brock
is off the charts

They talk a lot
about their dicks

And they sell
fucking Vroomba parts

You won't ever
take me down

I'll work until I drop

There's never been
a man like me

And I'll always be on top

15,000 gears

- Money, money, money
- Craig Tiddle

- Money, money, money
- Number one

20,000 wheels

- Money, money, money
- Trevor Brock

- Money, money, money
- Is getting it done

30,000 gears

Craig Tiddle
You're the best

40,000 wheels

Trevor Brock
Sign my chest

I love fucking money!

- Who's it gonna be?
- Who's it gonna be?

Who's it gonna be?

- Who's it gonna be?
- Who's it gonna be?

100,000 teeny tiny brushes!

Look around

It's plain to see

There's never been
a man like me

'Cause I'm the fucking

Top...

Whew.

Still at it, shrimp?

Work hard, stay hard.

Never been tied
for first before.

I'm used to being
the total top.

Oh, yeah, I'm gunning
for your ass, little boy.

That's why I'm here late.

- Grinding.
- Same.

Definitely not because
I have nowhere to go

and no one to see.

Oh, I got a vast network
of meaningful relationships,

for sure,
but no time for those now.

I got to put in the hours so I
can stay ahead of you, Craig.

- Trevor.
- Huh?

You just called me Craig.
You're Craig. I'm Trevor.

God,
you're such an idiot, Trevor.

No, I'm Craig.

- You're Trevor, Trevor.
- Damn it, we look alike.

We do not. You have
long hair like a girl.

You have short hair
like a lesbian girl.

This haircut is
classic Trevor.

Fuck. Classic Cr...
Fuck you!

No, fuck you.

- You don't get me.
- You don't get me, either.

No one does.

I'm in this struggle
all alone

I don't know what to do

I wish there was
someone who knew

What I am going through

This feeling
that I'm feeling

It feels so very bad

It's almost like
my life's a lie

And actually I'm sad

No one understands
what I've been through

No one knows
what it's like to be

A man
with my specific life

Saying these
specific words

The only one
who understands

Is me

Say, is this your family?

What? No. But I
definitely have a real family.

And they're rich and smart
and kind and real.

Oh, me, too. I got a birth
mommy and a birth daddy,

same as everybody else.

Growing up with just a mom

It left a gaping hole

My single dad
He did his best

But life
She took her toll

With Pops
I could have fished for fish

My fastball we'd perfect

With Mom
I could have learned to bake

Or show women respect

No one understands
what I've been through

No one knows
what it's like to be

A man
with my specific life

Saying these
specific words

The only one
who understands

Is me

If you think
I've had it easy

Then you're wrong

The road's been
fucking hard

And fucking long

Everything I ever got

I got all on my own

I rose up from the ashes

Of my single-parent home

'Cause I've always
been a fighter

Since the day
that I was born

On January 3rd, 1986

- At 5:08 a.m.
- At 5:07 a.m.

Wait, what the fuck, dude?

Yeah, there are a lot of
similarities happening here.

- What is that?
- This?

Oh, the only thing I have

from the dad
I never knew is...

Half of a locket.

This is the only thing
I have from my mom.

I've never understood mine.
It just says "our bo."

I think it must be
an ancient Indigenous saying.

Mine only says "toys."

Huh. But what if...?

"Our two boys."

Oh, my God. Does this mean...

Hold on, sorry,
you thought that said "toys"?

Yeah, T-W-O-Y-S, toys.

No, there's not a "W" in toys.

Damn it all to fuck, Craig!

Who cares about
letters right now?

You only have a dad.
I only have a mom.

We were born on the same day,
almost down to the minute.

We must be brothers.

Not just brothers, Trevor.

Twins.

Wow, we're twins.

We're fucking identical twins.

No one understands
what I've been through

No one knows
what it's like to be

A man who thought
he was alone

But then found out
he had a twin

Who works at
the same fucking job

What a big coincidence

The only one
who understands

Is we

Is we

Is we

Gears. Wheels.

Teeny tiny brush... Wow.

L, M, N, O...

P.

- Hey.
- Hey.

This is crazy, right?

Totally crazy. I mean...

What are the odds of working
with your long-lost twin?

I don't know, one in four,
three in four?

- It's crazy.
- Crazy. But wait.

I can't believe
Mom and Dad split us up.

Like, is that abuse?

Did they abuse us?

We definitely
experienced abuse-ment.

- Oh, my God.
- I mean, don't get me wrong.

My life is awesome.

No, no, no, no,
m-m-mine is awesome, too.

- I have an amazing job.
- Amazing job.

I'm always dating
some big-tit lady.

Stunning big-tit ladies.

I always get
the things I want.

Except for a real family.

Single-parent homes
are not real families.

That's true.

Hmm.

What do we do?

You know, if Mom and Dad
got married again,

then we'd have a real family.

What if...

What if we tricked them
into getting back together?

Keep talking
until I understand.

We trick Mom and Dad
into thinking

they need to get
married again.

Oh, my God, yes.

I'll go talk to Dad now
and trick him

into getting back together
with Mom.

Well, uh, no offense,

- but you'd probably
fuck it up. -Oh.

I should be the one
to trick Dad.

But you've never met him.

Baby, I'm the number-one
salesman.

I could trick anybody.

Okay, hold up,
I'm the number-one salesman.

If anybody's gonna
trick a parent

they've never met,
it's gonna be me.

While you're tricking Dad,
I'll trick Mom.

And I'll do it better.

All right, then.
It's settled.

We're switching places to
trick the parent we never knew

into getting married again.

- Fine. Fine.
- Fine.

Which means
we're going to need...

Disguises!

Wow, you look so good, King.

You, too, King.

I mean, obviously, I would've
preferred a lace front,

but sometimes a shake and go
can get the job done.

- Right.
- So, what's Mom like?

At the very least,
I hope she fulfills

every single expectation
I have of her.

- That's reasonable.
- Just, like, an awesome,

conventional, elegant mommy.

God, if she's, like,
a kooky old eccentric lady,

I don't know
what the fuck I'll do.

Yeah, um, let's, uh, let's
change the subject entirely.

- Huh?
- Tell me about Dad.

Oh, our dad?

- Yeah, our dad.
- Um...

Is he a big, strong
macho guy like me?

I hope he's a big macho guy
like me!

Yeah, listen, I would obviously
love to talk about that,

but look, oh, God, it's Mom's
house. So I got to go right now.

Oh, God!

Okay, bye-bye.

Drive, you piece of shit!

Okay, Craig,
you got this.

Shit! Fuck! Damn! No!

You're Trevor now,
all right?

And Trevor is gonna knock
on the door.

Hello?

Mom?

Why, Trevor,

what a nice surprise.

Mom!

That's right, it's me.

- Good old Mom.
- Right.

And I'm... Trevor.

- Yes, you are.
- So...

Mom, you're
in a wheelchair now?

Well, Trevor, I've been in
this wheelchair since January.

Yes, and I haven't been here
since then, so...

January of 1979.

Cool, so I do know this.

Darling, what's the matter?
You're not acting yourself.

And what's with that hair?

I don't remember it being
this fake and shitty looking.

It's a wig. Dah!

I mean, um,
I'm growing it out for a wig.

Yeah, Locks for Love.

- Oh.
- I'm gonna give some bald,

barren women a second chance.

Well, I was just about
to have some tea.

Won't you join me?

Mom, it's really good
to see you.

Really actually good.

Well, it is really good
to see you, too, dear,

always, my darling boy.

My only darling boy.

The only boy I ever had.

- Sure, yeah.
- Yes.

The only boy that ever came

rocketing out of my vagina.

Okay.

I would've probably
had another one

just like you, but I didn't.

- The more you...
- I had a vasectomy.

One second
after you was born,

- Wow.
- I had a vasectomy.

They snipped it.

So, Mom...

It's been a minute,
what have you been up to?

Oh, my gosh, Trevor!

Well, you know me.

I do.

And all the things
I get up to.

Any specifics about it,
though, would be appreciated.

Tell me it
as if I didn't know,

- even though of course I do.
- Ah, this morning,

Patricia and I watched a film
from the Criterion Collection.

- You know Patricia, of course.
- If you say so.

Mom, you seem so cultured.

Well, I'm glad you're
finally recognizing that.

Yeah, me, too, it's time
that someone fina...

Uh, that's sand.

Oh, my God.

I switched the tea
and the sand again.

Again?

I'm going fast.

I make my own sand, you know.

- Do you?
- Yes, I do.

Out of what?

Out of sand.

Here you go, darling.

- Thank you.
- Oh, my gosh,

wait a minute, not so fast.

That'll be your reward.

Before you go,
I need you to grab

something down for me, please?

- Yeah, fucking sure. Um...
- Yes, yes.

It's that one right there.

- This one?
- Nope, that one.

- So this one?
- No, that one.

- Okay, then this one?
- No, darling, that one.

- Here?
- Darling?

Let's calm down, look at me.

- Do you see my finger?
- I do.

- This is called pointing.
- Yeah.

If you draw
a little dotted line

from the tip of my finger
and you go poop, boop, boop.

Yeah, boop, boop, boop,
boop, boop right to here.

- This is the one?
- No!

- Here?
- Let me, okay, let me...

I need to calm down.

Could you describe it?

Darling, I'm not
going to spoil you.

How about a single adjective
of-of any of these?

Not over there.
Look, this is like this.

- Here again.
- Not that one.

- Is it this one?
- Yeah!

Oh, motherfucker. Goddamn it.

I could think of words
you could've used.

Ooh, well,
that was quite an ordeal.

- Yeah, I'll say.
- Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, please.

That's Jerome.
He's easily aroused.

Don't get him
anywhere near me.

You have sex with this?

Darling, of course.

Look at him,
how could I possibly resist?

- He? It's a he?
- He's a they.

Oh, God, well, I--
Now that I know that you

fuck this little gay boot,
I'd love to put it somewhere.

I think you should put him
right down there

next to Patricia,
she can handle it.

This is Patricia,
who you saw the movie with?

Darling, of course.
You know Patricia.

And I would ask you
to unhand her!

Okay, Mommy, you know what?

I think maybe you need to get
out of the house a little bit.

Darling,
why would I leave the house?

I have everything
I need right here.

Yeah, sure.

I lead a charmed life, Trevor.

Don't you understand?

My life's been quite
the wild ride

Intrigue, thrills

Romance

I may have reached
my twilight years

But it's all still
song and dance

Seasons come

And seasons go

My years keep flying by

And now I sit here
in my house

Trevor,
I'm an independent woman.

I do what I want when I want
with whom I want.

- I am very confused.
- I'm afraid

you simply don't understand

what a gas it is
when you get to be my age.

I'm 93

No, 94

That can't be right.

Just wait, there's more

My back is broke
My tits, they sag

I have to pee into a bag

I have three toes
My eyes are coins

A mouse named Pip
lives in my loins

I smell like milk
Well, more like cheese

My nipples wink
I never sneeze

I cannot remember
the year I was born

I sculpt all my friends
out of clay

I've seen every movie
And most of them thrice

For breakfast
I only eat hay

Well, this has been fun,
but I got to be

anywhere but here.

I keep all my ice cubes
inside of my purse

I have a whole room
full of geese

I only read backwards
I never use spoons

My mother is also my niece

My organs are cotton
I cry melted butter

I have no reflection
I bathe in asbestos

The world is a riddle
I might be the devil

My pussy fell off
once in Greece, hey!

Who saw that coming?

I did.

Craig.

My favorite son.

My only son.

- What a surprise.
- Yeah.

I thought I'd swing by.

Oh.

A hug.

Well, this is new.

Uh...

Don't forget to let go.

Otherwise,
we're just wrasslin'.

Wow.

Swanky digs, Dad.

- Oh, hush.
- No, I mean it.

This place is so nice
and clean and chic and...

God, I wish I'd grown up here.

What are talking about, Craig?
You did grow up here.

And I wish
I could grow up here again.

- Shame how time works.
- Yeah.

It really sucks.
Care for a mimosa?

Oh.

Don't judge,
but I've already had one...

pitcher.

Come on.

Just kidding.

But I do drink every morning.

- Sure.
- Cheers.

Mmm.

Craig, I'm glad
you're here actually.

Same, Dad.
What do you want to do first?

Play catch in the yard?
Not talk about our feelings?

Funny you should mention
feelings.

Uh...

Wow.

Okay.

I've been meaning
to tell you for some time.

There's no easy way
to say this, but...

- But...
- But what?

I'm gay.

Wait, wait, uh,
this is something that I,

Craig, didn't know about
until just now?

That's correct.

Um, okay, great,
then I can freely say,

what the fuck, Dad,
you're gay?

Well, I was hoping
for a little more enthusiasm,

but yes, Craig, I'm gay.

Queer as a three-dollar bill
and just as thin.

- Well, let's not go c--
- Shh. Daddy's talking.

- Mm-hmm.
- Honestly,

the signs have been there
for ages.

I'm only now realizing it.

I am and have always been
a normal homosexual man

who does all the normal things
normal homosexual men do.

- Like what?
- Well, I'll tell you.

I wake up, drink my coffee

Have brunch around 11:00

Walk my bichon frise

Then nap till
half past 7:00

A night out
at the symphony

Such elegance, what poise

Or maybe
I'll just stay at home

With my two Sewer Boys

What?

The answer
is perfectly clear

It's a gay old life
being queer

I'm so sorry,
did you say "Sewer Boys"?

Oh, come on, Craig.
You know my Sewer Boys.

No!

No! No!

No! No! No!

Christ on a crutch,
Craig.

Are you all right?

You sounded like Maria Callas
on a rough matinee.

What the fuck are
those things?

My Sewer Boys.

Pale little inbred creatures,

live underground.

Only communicate
in clicks and whistles.

I-I'm very confused.

You do seem a bit off, dear.

And what's with your hair?

I don't remember it being
this fake or shitty looking.

Oh, God, who cares
about wigs right now?

Those things are disgusting.

They're not disgusting,
they're gay culture.

Gay culture?
Well, they don't seem gay.

They seem dangerous.

Well, I appreciate
your concern, but...

There's nothing dangerous
about vacationing in Spain

That is
until you've thrown

Half of your savings
down the drain

But money should be spent
on things

Both lovely and refined

The Sewer Boys
drink blood for fun

And also read my mind

Don't get in a tizzy
My dear

It's a gay old life

Being queer

What do you mean,
they read your mind?

Uh-oh, someone's hungry.

Oh, God.

Ah.

They'll do anything
for a little deli meat.

No, I hate this.

What are you doing?

- Oh.
- All right, it's your turn.

Oh, there's got to be
a different way to feed them.

No!

All right, all right.

Hey, let's brainstorm
some ideas together, Papa.

Maybe a bowl.

Have you thought about
a fucking bowl?

Nope, this is how
we've always done it.

Dinnertime with my Sewer Boys,

Backpack and Whisper.

Those are their names?

Watch your talons.

Talons.

- Want some ham?
- No, I don't want any ham!

I feel like I'm in
a fucking nightmare!

Oh, I understand, son.

Coming out can be
just as hard on the family.

But it's a journey
we'll go on together.

I'm not talking about
coming out.

I'm talking about
the fucking monsters.

Oh, shh! Don't say that
in front of them.

You'll hurt their feelings.

Their feelings? They feel?

What are they?
Explain them to me!

Well, it's a long story.

Very well.

Oh, yeah. Get a hat.

Many decades ago

I was down in the sewer

- Why?
- Shh, Daddy's singing.

Rowing my boat through
the slime and manure

How did you get a boat
into the sewer?

You want to hear the story
or not?

Collecting adventures
and treasures galore

But I couldn't guess
what fate had in store

I rounded a bend
and what did I see?

Two creatures so bloody
So foul, so carefree

They were taking a bath
in the corpse of a swine

And that's when I knew

They had to be mine

I tried to entice them

But they were too quick

Tried to rip out
my trachea

Bite off my dick

With a club
I subdued them

And made to depart

And I stole
the two creatures

Who'd stolen my heart

Jesus.

My boy
There's no reason to jeer

It's a gay old life

Being

Queer...

I bathe in bleach

There's skiing up in Aspen

- I play the horn
- And sailing of West Palm

One time I died

The snow is fine as powder

- I suck on corn
- The waves are always calm

- I poison fruit
- But no matter where I am

- I kissed a chair
- There is no way

I can resist
the urge to climb

- I juggle for exercise
- Below the streets

- Never use alphabet
- And smell

- And a tornado's my friend
- That stinky mist

The answer is

Perfectly clear

It's a gay old life

Being queer

I have no pussy

Those foolish boys.

What, oh, what will they do?

Craig Tiddle's phone,
Craig Tiddle speaking. Ah!

Why didn't you tell me
Dad was a gay man

obsessed with Sewer Boys?

Because I was ashamed.

You don't know what it's like
to feed Boar's Head ham

to those slimy little demons
your whole life.

Why didn't you tell me
Mom's pussy fell off?

You weren't there.
It was really disturbing.

Well, I'm sure it was,
but not knowing really--

No, Craig. It was awful.

It crawled away like
a fucking cockroach.

Mom was screaming at me,

"Kill it! Kill it!"

I raised my flip-flop
to deal the death blow,

and it stared me
straight in the eyes.

It had eyes now.

"Dream of this,"
the pussy said to me.

"Dream of this every night."

And I do, Craig.

I do.

Well, our parents
are fucking freaks,

and there's nothing
we can do about it.

What do you mean?

I mean that I thought our plan

was going to be easy,
and it was not.

But I still want to be
brothers, no homo.

Want to be brothers,
no homo, too.

Well, then we have to do this.

But our parents
are completely incompatible.

Mom has no pussy.

Dad is a gay.

I want this to work, okay?
But it just feels...

impossible.

Anything's possible
if you force it to be.

- But--
- Shh.

When I was
picking colleges

My sights were set
on Brown

But my scores
were all so miserable

That they just
turned me down

So I went
and saw the chancellor

To make him think again

And when he still refused

I roofied him
And then he let me in

You can't give up

When people tell you no

You can't give up

If you want it, make it so

Life's a game of poker

And I only play to win

So if someone says
don't do a thing

Just do that thing again

Last year I found a condo

So high up in the sky

But the grandmother
who lived there

She wouldn't let me buy

So I framed her ass
for larceny

And now she rots in jail

Then I roofied a whole bar

And we all killed

A humpback whale

You can't give up

When people tell you no

You can't give up

If you want it, make it so

Life's a game of Boggle

And I only play to win

So if someone says
don't do a thing

- Just do that thing
- And do that thing

Again

The losers are
all thinking

There's some secret
to success

And they also think
that "no" means "no"

But really
"No" means "yes"

"No" means "yes"

You can't give up

When people tell you no

You can't give up

If you want it, make it so

Life's a fucking hand job

And I only play to win

So stroke my fucking cock

Until I blast
all on your chin

Then take that cum
and lube me up

Until I come again

And if someone says
don't do a thing

Just do that thing
and do that thing

And do that thing

And do that thing...

Again

Do that thing again

Ah. Should I open
another bottle?

I know it's our second,

but we're not Baptists.

Are you sure
that thing's secure?

Hardly.

They've gotten out
so many times,

animal control
made me tag them.

Have you ever thought about
putting them down?

Good grief, I'd sooner
put down my wine.

Though I admit,
they're a handful.

I haven't had a vacation
in years,

and you know how
I love jet lag.

Let's talk about
what I want to talk about.

Like Mom, for example.
If she's real or whatever.

How did you two meet?

Oh! It's a funny story.

We met in a graveyard.

I was trying to find a kidney.

They sell like hotcakes
on the black market.

- You were graverobbing.
- Why, Trevor,

you know that was my job
before the war.

And after. Yahtzee.

We're doing a puzzle.

Puzzle.

There was your mother,
up to her neck

in freshly-tilled dirt.

When I called out to her,
she pulled a gun on me.

Thought I was a cop.

Graverobbing was illegal
in those days.

It's still illegal.

Well, don't tell the police

or they'll make me return
half my wardrobe.

All this talk about Dad.
What is it, Father's Day?

You know, the more
you yammer on about Dad,

it makes me think
you miss him.

Like you want to
see him again.

- See your mother?
- Why not?

You said so yourself, you're
fucking monster children...

Sewer Boys! Sewer Boys!

Whatever!

Your Sewer Boys take up
so much of your time.

When's the last time
you went out

and had a little fun?

A little daddy time?

The last time I went out...

I know the Nazis
were still a thing.

God, whatever happened
to them?

See, this is what I mean.

You should leave the house
now and then.

Hit the town,
look at a current globe,

see Dad.

I don't know about
seeing your mother,

but... you're right.

A little company
could be nice.

Well, how about
you and me go to dinner?

Tomorrow night, 8:00 p.m.?

Tomorrow night?

Let's just have drinks
here instead, eh?

Or, or...
we could go somewhere better.

The kind of place where
you could fall in love again.

A place like

La Chateaux.

The most romantic restaurant
in all of New York?

Odd place to go with your son.

Well, I already
made a reservation,

so enjoy your empty evening
full of nothing

but the silence
of your own thoughts.

And I loved that idea you had
about dinner at La Chateaux.

Wait a minute,
wasn't that your idea?

Yup, that's right, a dinner
that's definitely your idea,

and definitely with me.

Bye, Mommy.

Well, we'll see.

I mean, uh, it was lovely
of you to come over, though.

I hope you'll come back...

soon.

Come back soon.

The phone, it never rings

The door, it never knocks

I sit here
with my bric-a-brac

Oh, my tchotchkes

And my clocks

I don't think
it's a problem

That I hate to go outside

Though I worry

It'll take them weeks

To find my body

Once I've died

I'm lonely

I'm lonely, I'm lonely
I'm lonely, I'm lonely

I'm lonely

So lonely

So fucking lonely
all the time

I am a person

Who's lonely

My Sewer Boys
They bring me joy

They have
throughout the years

But I admit

They've scared away

My wife, my son

My peers

Could it be

I've hid behind

My sweet, delightful pets?

That they've mired me

In crippling debt

And been the cause
of my death threats

I'm lonely

I'm lonely, I'm lonely
I'm lonely

So lonely

So lonely and so all alone

I am a person

Was it wrong to throw away

The marriage that I had?

Was it wrong?

To split my children up

Is there a chance
that was bad?

That was bad

Am I wrong to live my life

The way I do now?

- Should I try to change?
- Yes

- Some way
- Please

Somehow

Change

I have so much to share

Change

Does anybody care?

Please, God
If you're listening

Just trust me
I'm Christian now

Answer my
motherfucking prayer

Oh, not now. Not now.

I'm lonely

I'm so lonely

So lonely

So lonely, I'm all alone

- I'm lonely
- I'm lonely

So very lonely

You know I'm lonely

I am a person

- Who's
- Who's

Lonely

- Lonely
- Lonely

Lonely

- Lonely
- Lonely

Mom called me confirming
she's on for dinner tonight.

Oh, Dad has left me,
like, 14 voice mails.

- The plan is working, King.
- Hell yeah, King.

There's no way this can
possibly go wrong.

Uh... Oh, uh-uh.

Tiddle, Brock, what the hell
y'all two doing here?

We're keeping
your company afloat.

- You're welcome.
- I don't know

if estrogen
makes you forgetful,

but we're your
top two salesmen.

Uh, you're not
my two top salesmen.

Check the board.

Okay, so we missed a day

and we fell down a slot or two.
Big deal.

Bid deal? Y'all ain't been
here in two fucking weeks.

- Two fucking weeks?
- Two fucking weeks?

- 'Cause we got that wig.
- That's it.

- That's where the time went.
- Yeah.

Y'all fucked up.
So guess what?

Because y'all haven't been
making me no money,

y'all are dead to me.

- What?
- You haven't been selling

any fucking wheels,
any fucking gears,

and y'all damn sure
ain't been selling

no teeny tiny fucking brushes.

Okay. I know we're not
supposed to say this anymore

because it's not
acceptable or whatever,

but you're being a bitch.

Yeah,
and I would say that

the way
you're acting right now

is actually very bitch-y.

Okay, well, I can show
y'all two bitches a bitch.

They say boys'll be boys

Man, what a crock of shit

These men
They hold all the cards

It makes me want to spit

They always
fucking shit up

They're always
making a mess

But I'mma tell you
the secret to my success

Men are all stupid
Weak little boys

They're not very smart
They just make lots of noise

They got their nose
up my ass

They want to be
teacher's pet

And so I keep them
on their toes

And make those
fuckers sweat

- Girls
- Girls

Sit on your throne

And just act like a queen

And these boys will be
dying to kiss the ring

Train them to beg
like the dogs that they are

And you'll find
that it ain't no thing

To out-alpha the alpha

Mm-hmm

- Outfox the fox
- Ah, yeah

Outfox the fox

Outsmart all these dummies

Out-fuck all these cocks

They'll cop a feel
or smack yo ass

And then they'll suck
their little thumbs

These boys all want
a kiss from mommy

They're all scummy
sacks of cum

So put your foot
right on they throat

If they are standing
in your way and just

Make those fuckers pay

Stackin' my dollars
Making my coin

Got drip
in the back of my truck

Bank vault apartment
Swimming in cash

Scrooge McFucking McDuck

I always stay stunnin'
My shit is brand-new

My tuna is ahi
My beef is Wagyu

Y'all are just servants
This is my palace

Built it brick by brick

So get in a line
Drop on your knees

And suck my fucking dick

Then eat my ass
Lick my pussy

And find my clit

Just keep on fucking
I'm not done

I'll tell you when to quit

Hell, yeah, I'm raw

Bitch, I'm the star

And yes, I'm real, boy
There's no HR

I'm the fucking dom
Don't need a fucking man

And by now
you know my plan

Out-alpha the alpha

Out-screw the cock

Yeah, out-screw
these cocks

Outplay all these losers

Out-juice all these nuts

These baby boys
can't keep the pace

They're all
so fucking slow

They love acting like
they run the place

But I'm the CEO

These men are
fucking dinosaurs

About to be destroyed

- And I'm the asteroid
- And I'm the asteroid

They've called me shrill
They've called me slut

They've called me ice queen
And what's more

They've called me crazy
Called me loud

They've called me bitch
and cunt and whore

Imagine, if you will

We murdered all the males

A woman-driven world

Where equity prevails

Sadly
That's not how it is

But don't you get upset

I'll put those boys
right in their place

Goddamn, that makes me wet

Trevor, Craig, you're fired.

Out-alpha the alpha

Outfox the fox

Outfox the fox, ah

Outsmart all these dummies

Outsmart all the dummies

Out-fuck all these cocks

Out-alpha the alpha

Out-alpha the alpha
Out-alpha the alpha

Out-alpha the alpha

Ah

Bitch, that was fun.

Okay, now, back to the story.

You know,
fuck that fucking job.

- Who needs that fucking job?
- Shh!

- Ugh.
- Rude.

- Oh! Look, look, look.
- Oh, oh.

Excuse me.
Excuse me, ma'am.

M-Ma'am?

Ugh. Ugh.

Well, this is ridiculous.

I don't see him anywhere.

I'm just going to go
right back ho...

- Evelyn?
- Harris?

What are you doing here?

I'm having
a romantic dinner...

- ...with Trevor.
- ...with Craig.

Oh, my God.

The twins.

The twins must have
found one another,

switched places to meet
the parent they never knew

and then tricked us into
coming here and reuniting.

Those rascals.

Well, I'm flummoxed.

I'm dumbfounded.

Those were always
two of your best qualities.

Oh, Harris.

My God, Evelyn.
How long has it been?

260 years.

It's been 260 years
since we last saw one another?

Oh, I thought you meant since
the French and Indian War.

Oh, I have no idea how long
it's been since we...

split up.

Yes, well, at any rate,
it's been a long time.

Yes. Yes, it has.

Garcon?

- Garcon?
- Yes, madame?

Um, my apologies, but, uh,

we're actually going to have
to cancel our reservation.

Yes, there's been a mistake.

- Oh, ooh.
- Oh, oh.

Ah, but I hear that this wine

will be of particular interest
to you both.

It's a 1970 Domaine Leroy,
like you had

- on your honeymoon.
- Like we had on our honeymoon.

And it's in a bottle.

Well, it is a very nice wine.

And it is free, after all.

- It's not. Enjoy.
- Mmm.

A toast,

to our clever, stubborn boys.

They are the one thing
we got mostly right.

Mostly.

And... dissolve.

- Mmm.
- God, I've missed this.

And I haven't even thought
about the Sewer Boys once.

Those fucking things
are still alive? Ugh.

God, how old are they now?

They're younger, actually.

They operate outside
of linear time.

Sure. I'm familiar.

What went wrong
between us, Evelyn,

all those many moons ago?

Oh, what goes wrong
with any couple?

We were young and foolish.

- We drifted apart.
- Hmm.

And you did start fucking men.

All the time, fucking men.

There are always little clues
that a person might be gay.

Well, it hardly matters now,
since my pussy fell off.

Yes, it hardly matters now.

I'm sorry, what?

Delicious.

Hmm.

Evelyn, is something
the matter?

Oh, you're choking. Oh!

Yes.

Hmm?

Oh. Harris?

Yes?

You're still holding onto me.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, no, no. It's fine.

- It's...
- Oh.

It's more than fine.

What are we even doing?

I'm not sure.

Aren't you gay?

I-I don't know.
It's like I'm...

I'm attracted
to both men and women.

Huh. Well, now I have
heard everything.

But, uh, also,
and correct me if I'm wrong,

but, uh, didn't you just
say that your...

...pussy fell off?

Yes. Trevor had to kill it
with a flip-flop in Greece.

But what he doesn't know is,
I went back afterward,

scooped it up and put it
into a plastic bag,

and now I always
carry it with me

so that I feel like a woman.

Well, now
I've heard everything.

Oh, my God.

Well, that was unexpected.

- Uh, oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh.

These are yours,
those are mine.

I'm so embarrassed. Yes.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

So...

we can be together.

Why, yes. Yes, we can.

I thought these feelings

All had died

But now you're here

And now I find

I've missed you very much

I've missed your hair
Your eyes, your face

But now you're here

And now I yearn

For a tender lover's

Touch

- Wow.
- Wow.

I feel the beat, beat, beat
of your thumping heart

It's just my body
telling you

I'm ready to start

Well, let's do it now
because I'm ready to go

You know I like it rough

So don't you take it slow

Oh, oh, oh, oh

I'm desperate
for your dick

Desperate for your pussy

Hungry for your dick

Give me
Give me that pussy

I got the taste, taste
taste of you on my tongue

I want to get real wild
like when we were young

Well, let's do it now
because I'm ready to go

Roll over here, baby
'Cause I'm fixing to blow

Oh, oh, oh, oh

I'm desperate
for your snatch

I'm desperate
for your cock

I want vagina

I'm talking about penis

I'm desperate

For your love

Desperate for your love

And stay out.

Oh, I had a cape. Ugh.

We did it, we did it

We did it

Harris, we're being mugged.

- We're gonna die.
- No, no.

- No, darling.
- Huh? What?

It-it's our boys.

Oh, my God!

- It's so good to see you.
- Oh, yay.

To see you both together.

Now, why'd you switch places?

I guess we thought,
since you gave us up,

- maybe it meant you...
- Hated us.

Hated you? No.

We hardly even knew you.

We drew straws at the hospital
and each took a kid.

I just can't get over it.

All of us, reunited.

It's just like we planned.

And now that you're
back in love again,

you're gonna get married!

- What?
- What?

Get married! And when you do,

do you think you'll change
your last names?

Oh! Should we change
our last names?

- No, wait.
- We can all live together.

Then every day
would be like Christmas.

- Yes.
- Unless we're Jewish,

then every day
would be like Easter.

Boys, boys, please, I mean,
Craig, I just met you.

- I'm Trevor.
- Exactly. And I'm gay.

Yeah, but you just had hot,
awesome sex with Mom,

so now maybe you're straight.

It's clear that we were both
just longing

for some physical touch.

We were fucking horny.

Right, exactly,
but our marriage didn't work.

And I'm an independent woman.

I do not like
when people live with...

me.

And I-I feel like maybe I
haven't stressed this enough,

I do fuck men.

Not as often as I'd like,
but whenever I get the chance.

Boys, listen now.

We love you, but...

we will never...

get married again.

This is stupid!

I hate you!
And I hate both of you!

We lost everything

- because of you.
- No.

Now we don't even have
a family?

We can still be a family,

even if your mother and I
aren't together.

No, not the kind we wanted.

You split us up
when we were babies.

I mean, that's fucking psycho!

Boys, we didn't realize

that being lied to
your entire lives

would upset you this much.

But at least
we have each other now.

- No, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no. No, Dad.

- Yay! Yay!
- No. No, Mommy.

- Yay. Yay.
- No, Mommy.

- No. No.
- Stop it. Stop it.

- Yay.
- No.

Come on, Craig.

- Trevor.
- Trevor.

Let's go.

- Yeah.
- Ugh.

Don't. Don't leave like this.

Oh...

Which one is which?

We can still fix this.

We just need to get
Mom and Dad to...

No, Trevor, just-- No.

- You don't mean that.
- I do.

I-I mean no,
and no means no this time.

I'm done, okay?
This is done.

What are you saying?

I-I don't know
what I'm saying.

I've never felt
this way before.

Usually when I want something,
I get it.

In fact, it almost feels like
society and all its systems

were built so that a man
who looks like me can succeed.

And so, now to want something
and not get it,

it-it makes me feel... feel...

- Feel what, Craig? What?
- Feelings!

Bad ones! And I want to
make them go away!

- This is just like you.
- Excuse me?

To give up.
I bet you give up on your boner

before it's even fully hard.

Fuck you. I have never
given up on a semi.

My doctors say
I am medically horny.

I never lost anything
until you showed up.

You ruined my life!

You ruined mine, okay?

I knew this wouldn't work!

It would still work if you
weren't a fucking quitter.

We didn't quit. We failed!

Well, if that's how
you feel about it,

then I guess there's nothing
left to say.

I guess not.

Goodbye forever, Craig.

Goodbye to you, too.

For forever.

Wait, you...

You've lived next to me
this entire time?

I guess so.

That's weird.

Yeah.

That is weird.

No one understands
what I've been through

No one knows
what it's like to be

I just lost
my brother twin

Who also was
my only friend

The only one
who understands

Is...

Jesus, Craig.

You look like shit.

I'm fine. Can it.

Hey, that's my job.

Shut up.

No, you shut up.

You know what?

Actually, fuck off.

Get the fuck out of here!

Oh, hey, hey.
Can I bum one of those?

Man, I already gave you
a whole pack.

Aren't you supposed to be
some sort of hung hotshot?

He was once.

But he got fired.

And I heard

that while his penis is large,

it's only slightly
above average.

No. That's not true.

It's very large!

Come back!

- Harris.
- Hmm?

I'm worried.

About us?

No, not about us.

We'll be friends,
and sometimes we'll fuck.

Okay, yes, same page,
precisely.

I was talking about the boys.

Oh, them.

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

Should we drown them
in the bathtub

in the old-fashioned way?

They didn't drown them.

They kidnapped them.

Surprise!

Mom? Dad? What the fuck?

- And where's my beard?
- Where's my beard?

Those beards
were fucking awesome.

Yes.

- No, they were fake.
- And shitty looking.

Exactly.

Boys, we see now that
splitting you up at birth

was borderline abusive,

but parenting's hard.

Everyone makes mistakes,
right?

That's it?
That's why you kidnapped us?

Oh, can you even kidnap
an adult?

- Yes.
- Listen,

we didn't want
to be kidnapped, all right?

- We wanted you to apologize.
- Right.

We are apologizing.

We're sorry that
you're mad at us,

and we'd rather
that you not be.

You know what? We would love
to not be mad at you,

if you would just do
what we want and get married.

Oh, eat me. Not again.

You two really are stubborn.

You two are stubborn.

Uh-oh, dinnertime.

- Why won't you change for us?
- Yes.

I don't even know
what there is to change.

This, Dad. Change this.

Oh! Now you've upset them.

- Oh.
- Oh. Careful.

They don't like
sudden movements.

- Ugh.
- Oh!

Oh!

Oh, they're out. They're out.
Ew, ew, ew!

Motherfucker!

Shut up!

Backpack. Whisper.
Dear God, no!

Sewer Boys.

My Sewer Boys.

They've returned
to the slimy depths

from whence they came.

They've gone down the pipes.

- Oh.
- Back into the sewers.

I have to go after them.

Go after them?

But he's, like,
40 years old, I bet.

What do we all
think of this cape?

I know,

it's too drab. I'm gonna go
with the Valentino.

Are you sure
this is a good idea?

Sure as schadenfreude.

I'm going in.

A sometimes-gay man
all alone in the sewers?

Seems dangerous.

It is,

but those Sewer Boys,

they're my whole life.

Au revoir,my dear.

Oh, oh.

Goddamn it.

I just got these pants.

Come on, Mom,
let's get you home.

But Harris is all alone and...

Oh, fuck him.

And what do you care?
Don't you have to go back

to shutting out
the entire world?

I'm 93

No, 94

That's not so bad

I do want

More

I'm coming, Harris!

What the fuck?

Jesus Christ.

Ugh. We're not going
in there, right?

No fucking way.

- I'm gonna go in.
- Okay, then me, too.

Whee!

I must run

To my boys

I must go
I must run to my boys

Dad!

My God, they came

Could it be that
I was wrong?

Was I running
from my family all along?

Harris is so brave

The boys each found
their twin

These men have charged
back in my life

And changed it from within

Up is down

Left is right

And even underground

My world feels bright

I'm sorry we fought

Oh, my God, dude, me, too

My life's so much better
when I am with you

It's not what I wanted

And yet, could it be?

Do we have a family?

I must run

- Harris is so brave
- You're so fucking awesome

- Dude, you're awesome, too
- My life's so much better

- When I am with you
- These men

- Have charged back
- They're here

- In my life
- I fear that I was wrong

I've been running
from my family all along

Do we have a family?

I can't believe

We are together

Underneath the city

Where it smells like piss

As a unit

We are so much better

I never thought
it would be like this

Also, it smells like piss

It smells like piss

We're all down here together
in the sewer

And it smells like
fucking piss

Backpack. Whisper.

Die, Sewer Boys, die.

Dear God!

No!

No! Oh...

Die, die, die!

- Oh! Oh, God.
- Oh!

Okay. All right,
all right, all right,

all right, all right.

Mama's gonna need you
to be brave, baby girl.

I know, I know,

but you got this.

All right.

Oh!

Ooh!

Oh, my God.

Eat my snatch,
you government piece of shit.

Are you all right? Oh...

Jesus, Mom,
your pussy saved the day.

Backpack. Whisper.

Oh.

Wait a minute, are those...

their parents?

They're so fake
and shitty looking.

All right,

let's grab
the little abortions

and get the fuck out of here.

No.

- Let them stay.
- What?

But you love them.

I do,

but they deserve to be
with their family.

And...

maybe when they're gone...

I'll finally have time
to be with mine.

Aw...

- Does he mean us?
- Yeah.

- I think he means us.
- Oh, good. Okay.

Goodbye, Backpack.

- Bye.
- Goodbye, Whisper.

Goodbye, Daddy.

Take care of yourselves.

Boys, I...
I'm-I'm so sorry.

I was wrong.

And I was wrong.

We were wrong, too.

- Mm.
- Big hug?

- Oh, yeah.
- Big hug.

Family hug.

And so the twins

finally got the family

they never knew they wanted.

They even decided
to move in together,

to a little shitbox
on the Lower East Side.

No.

No, I don't want...

Whatever.

No, not me. I can't.

- Craig, what's wrong?
- Trevor, what's wrong?

I was having a nightmare.

- A nightmare I was gay.
- Me, too.

I was having a gay nightmare,
and I was gay in it.

Oh, come here. I got you.

- You're not gay.
- You're not gay either.

I've got you.

Oh.

- What is it?
- I don't know.

I guess I just thought that if
I got everything I ever wanted

- I'd somehow feel...
- Complete?

Yeah, but I guess
I still feel...

- Empty inside?
- Yeah.

It's like I just wish
there was...

Someone who has gone through

exactly what you've
gone through

and know exactly how you feel?

Oh, my God,

I do have that person.

- That person is...
- Me.

No. I was gonna say "you."

But, Trevor,
when you say "you,"

it means "me."

I...

I love you, Craig.

I love you, too, Trevor.

Oh, yeah!

Aw, fuck!

Oh, yeah! Oh!

What the fuck?

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, wow.

- That was so hot.
- That was so hot.

And easy. Everything made
sense and was comfortable.

Easy, easy.

- Anal's easy.
- Anal is easy.

It takes no practice to learn.

I didn't douche.
Did you douche?

I didn't. No. I don't know
what douching is.

Yeah.

So, then after cumming,

we laid there cuddling
all night.

- It was beautiful.
- I feel so lucky

to have found the only person
in the whole world

who is as smart, awesome,

big-dicked, and smart as me.

And as fate would have it,

the person most like me

is my identical twin. Crazy.

- Crazy.
- It's crazy.

- It's crazy.
- Crazy.

- Babe, look at me.
- Yeah?

- It's crazy.
- I'm sorry, I just...

I find this so moving.

Okay, if anyone has any reason

this couple should not be wed,

speak now or forever
hold your...

This is not
what the Bible says.

What the fuck?

You do the math.
This don't work.

Stop, stop, stop,
you fucking assholes!

I command you.

- Why should we listen to you?
- Yeah!

Because I am God!

Now listen and listen good,

you self-righteous,

judgmental flops.

Two twin brothers
marrying each other,

it sounds like an abomination,

and yet, it's not.

Because love in all its forms,

is a divine thing
given to you by me,

who, again, is God.

But, Father,
they're fucking twins.

Is that Sister Tammy?

You shouldn't judge.

An apple a day
keeps the doctor away,

but cum ain't apples.

- Gross!
- Who is?

They are.

I don't do any
of that nasty stuff.

I only have procreative sex
with my wife.

- Yeah!
- Lights off, eyes closed,

just as you intended, my Lord.

Don't put that shit
on me, Steve.

Fucked up men, Yes, men,

took my words
and changed the meaning.

I mean, you sticking
your sloppy hard wiener

into your wife's wet hole?

That's disgusting, too.

Well, goddamn,
if he ain't right about that.

When he explained it
like that,

- I got it.
- I never thought of it

- in that way.
- I mean, it makes sense.

Look at these twins.

They're vile. Misogynists.

Pigs. Perverts.

- Depraved little sex pests...
- Okay, we get it, God.

Yeah, relax, God.

But they love themselves,

in every sense of the word.

That's why
I brought them together,

to teach you

that all love is love.

Damn, this story
ended up good.

Oh, fuck it, I'm putting
this one in the Bible.

Oh, Harris.

We share a love

That can't be ignored

A love sent to us

From our holy fucking Lord

This guy.

I have no pussy

And I'm straight and gay

People may judge us

But this is what we'll say

All love is love

Even when it's ugly

All love is love

Even when it's wrong

All love is love

Like a woman who fucks men
made out of sand

All love is gross

But all love is love

You are my brother

My family, my kin

We share a bond

That comes
from deep within

But our love has grown

Now it's ancient
and divine

We'll fuck
each other's assholes

Till we can't tell yours
from mine

All love is love

Even when it's ugly

All love is love

Even when it's wrong

All love is love

Like a man who gets
a blow job from a horse

- Wow.
- All love is gross

But all love is love

- Oh!
- Oh!

I now pronounce
these twin brothers

legally married.

That's got to be a first.
That's got to be a first.

God loves all of you

because God is all of you.

God is man and woman.

God is Black and white.

God is straight and gay.

What, hold on, what?
You're gay?

Yeah, obviously...

...amongst other things,
but my point is that...

No, totally, we hear you.
God is gay.

All love is love
All love is love

God is a faggot

And all love is love

That's not exactly my point.

All love is love
All love is love

God is a faggot
and all love is love

All love is love
All love is love

God is a faggot
and all love is love

Everybody!

Sing along!

Can't hear you.

You're a bigot!

- All love is love
- That's what I said.

- All love is love
- GOD: Even incest.

- All love is love
- GOD: Love a fruit.

All love is love

- Hallelujah!
- All love is love

- All love is love
- All love is love

All love is love

- All love is love
- Oh

- All love is love
- God is a faggot

- All love is love
- Sing God is a faggot

- All love is love
- Oh, God is a faggot

- All love is love
- Yeah

All love is love

Yay, yeah!

Check out
the New New Testament.

Coming this Christmas.

And all love

Is love

The end.

- Surprise!
- Surprise!

Oh, I looked
right into camera.

It doesn't really go in there.

- Spit it?
- Yeah.

Yes, we can.

Uh, whatever. Y'all fucked up.

Kids, listen, we love you, but

we will never... get married.

Mom?

Let's go home
and discuss it, eh?

Let's go home
and get in the bed

and discuss it in my puss.

...if you do what
we want and get married.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Eat me.

Tiddles. Titties. Craig.

Trevor Brock.
My two top salesmen.

I feel like it says "Titties."
I keep forgetting.

Of all the humiliations
I've had in show business,

and they are legion,

this may be the most
humiliating moment...

...I've ever had.

Set.

My prize pig.

I wanna be a prize pig.

Hey, baby,

you could be a prize pig
in my bed when I fuck you.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I am the lady, the bitch,
the boss, rich...

Don't put a gender
on my title.

Yeah, and, lady,
I'm Craig, so...

Lady? Yes, um, well...

I forgot what the fuck
I was supposed to say.

Oh, this time,
let's improvise.

Oh, God, no.

That's-that's bad.

'Cause then it's just
a lot of potty talk.

- Mom!
- Dad!

- Dad?
- Mommy!

Cut!

I hope he's a big macho guy
like me.

Um, yeah, listen, I would love
to talk about that, obviously,

but this is actually Mom's
house, so I got to go now.

Oh, God!

Okay, bye-bye.

Yeah, that's good,
but I think

also maybe a little more
open-handed, if possible.

- Okay.
- Yeah, like that.

- That's good. Okay, good.
- Yeah. Oh, God.

- Thank you.
- Oh, God.

- Ugh. God...
- Oh, God.

Open-handed pussy.

Hop on.

Yeah, get right under here,

- you'll feel much better.
- Okay.

- Oh. Oh.
- Oh!

Shh.

Shh.

- I loved a girl some...
- Shh.

Single-parent families
are not homes, that's true.

Single-parent homes
are not families, that's true.

Single-parent families are not
homes, that's true. Fuck!

That's-that's my other
autobiography title.

"Fresh bag of ham."

No! No!

No!

Surprise, I'm in this movie.

I do want

More...

Sorry.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

And cut.

It's a gay old life

- Being queer
- I have no pussy