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Restoration and digitization
with the support of the CNC
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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
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The Kreutzer Sonata
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based on the short story by Tolstoy
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directed by Eric Rohmer.
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No, it's not jealousy.
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It's something far more horrible.
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Hatred.
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In which events took no part.
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I killed her because her existence
was a flagrant repudiation
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of all I admired,
all that mattered to me.
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She was my living disavowal,
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00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:30,155
the constant denunciation
of my slightest desire
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00:02:30,315 --> 00:02:31,960
and most anodyne thought.
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00:02:32,125 --> 00:02:33,500
Why did we have to meet?
17
00:02:33,667 --> 00:02:35,273
Why, from the very start,
18
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didn't we look away from each other?
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In that cellar,
20
00:02:41,322 --> 00:02:43,073
where I saw her for the first time,
21
00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:44,250
I had the impression
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00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,640
she would forever be inaccessible.
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Is that why
24
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:49,923
I came to desire her
25
00:02:50,083 --> 00:02:51,920
more than any girl I'd known?
26
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,715
What did I find so attractive about her?
27
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:58,200
Nothing? Something imperceptible?
28
00:02:58,360 --> 00:02:59,960
The gently prominent cheekbones?
29
00:03:00,125 --> 00:03:04,113
And perhaps that air of continual sadness
that imprinted
30
00:03:04,292 --> 00:03:05,553
her smile even.
31
00:03:08,333 --> 00:03:10,353
It was nearly one year ago.
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00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:12,553
Life smiled on me.
33
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,393
I loved my work as an architect
34
00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:17,480
and could look forward
to a brilliant career.
35
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,840
I had my own practice.
36
00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:22,960
I was landing major contracts.
37
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:25,400
After some difficult years,
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00:03:25,583 --> 00:03:27,833
I could finally call myself a success.
39
00:03:52,292 --> 00:03:53,792
Was I happier?
40
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:57,480
What anxiety oppressed me
that late winter?
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00:03:58,000 --> 00:04:00,000
I feared I had sacrificed
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00:04:00,417 --> 00:04:02,208
my finest years to my ambition.
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00:04:02,625 --> 00:04:05,458
Feverishly,
I tried to make up for lost time,
44
00:04:05,875 --> 00:04:08,333
while not daring to leave the scene
45
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,120
I frequented in my twenties.
46
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:12,880
I began to think of marriage,
47
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,360
not because I found solitude annoying,
48
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,120
but rather humiliating.
49
00:04:17,292 --> 00:04:19,235
I thought that my self-esteem
50
00:04:19,417 --> 00:04:22,393
also had a right to be satisfied.
51
00:04:43,167 --> 00:04:44,193
I was bored
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00:04:44,375 --> 00:04:46,953
and doing nothing
to cast off my boredom.
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00:04:47,125 --> 00:04:48,473
That world had lost
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00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:51,132
its picturesque charm for me.
55
00:04:51,292 --> 00:04:53,753
At most, the dismal apathy of those faces
56
00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:55,993
could only serve as consolation.
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00:04:56,458 --> 00:04:58,042
And a wretched one, too.
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00:04:59,160 --> 00:05:00,840
I liked to tell myself these kids
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00:05:01,002 --> 00:05:02,713
were older than me.
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00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,400
Their fashions and fancies
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00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:07,625
were those I'd known ten years earlier.
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00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,073
I needed a gust of fresh air.
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00:05:10,750 --> 00:05:13,233
I'd gone to ground in a waxwork museum.
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00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,120
The old camaraderie was gone.
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00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:48,680
I was changing category,
to bourgeois, exploited.
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00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:50,840
Tourists, as they were known.
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00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:53,542
Only my long familiarity
with the neighborhood
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00:05:53,708 --> 00:05:56,353
maintained for the time being
my privileges.
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00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:59,560
I was a generation removed from them.
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00:06:03,750 --> 00:06:04,833
And her?
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00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,750
What was she looking for here?
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00:06:06,917 --> 00:06:09,593
She seemed as unlikely a bohemian as me.
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00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,792
There was, among the place's regulars,
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00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,073
a likeness that both of us had escaped,
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00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:16,800
which made us suspect.
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00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,753
I sensed in her the presence
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00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,640
of the same boredom,
the same vice, as mine,
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00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,073
which only made her more desirable.
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00:07:20,250 --> 00:07:21,250
More and more,
80
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,160
I was pained by this exile.
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00:07:26,417 --> 00:07:29,333
All the most threadbare artifices
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00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:33,040
were fine by me if I could preserve
my precarious prestige.
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00:07:34,958 --> 00:07:36,393
I took with me
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00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,473
one of my journalist friends.
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00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:39,960
The pretext
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00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:42,715
of an article on contemporary youth
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00:07:42,880 --> 00:07:45,720
made our presence less peculiar.
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00:07:46,833 --> 00:07:47,993
These tests
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00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:50,583
served as board games for us.
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00:08:12,708 --> 00:08:14,353
Naturally, our explanations
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00:08:14,542 --> 00:08:15,542
were fanciful.
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00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:19,120
But with our careful handling of egos,
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00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,960
everybody agreed to sit the exam.
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00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:24,080
I found it amusing.
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00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,000
It kept up appearances,
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00:08:26,167 --> 00:08:29,953
but deepened the chasm
that existed between them and me.
97
00:08:39,167 --> 00:08:41,993
I wanted to bid farewell
to the neighborhood.
98
00:08:42,875 --> 00:08:45,233
Why had I still not done so?
99
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:46,440
Was it her
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00:08:46,880 --> 00:08:48,200
holding me back?
101
00:08:49,875 --> 00:08:51,833
I'd picked up some hints
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00:08:52,082 --> 00:08:54,633
that her fling was drawing to an end.
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00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,040
Our eyes had met once or twice,
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00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:00,233
and I'd seen in hers
barely concealed curiosity.
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00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,458
A feeble glimmer of hope
106
00:09:03,875 --> 00:09:05,633
had started to flicker in me.
107
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,440
In fact, it was unusual
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00:09:07,625 --> 00:09:09,275
that a chance to make acquaintance
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00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,240
in that sealed environment
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00:09:11,417 --> 00:09:13,913
had not cropped up earlier.
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00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:47,160
Most disappointing
was that first contact,
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00:09:47,333 --> 00:09:49,035
which, as chance would have it,
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00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,080
revolved around psychology.
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00:09:51,875 --> 00:09:54,553
I thought I detected in her a mystery
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00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:55,993
that perhaps wasn't one.
116
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,160
I was surprised by the banality,
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00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,840
the prosaicness, of her replies.
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00:10:03,083 --> 00:10:05,155
That which I had named anxiety,
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00:10:05,333 --> 00:10:06,750
profound torment,
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00:10:06,917 --> 00:10:08,873
was doubtless indifference,
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00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,750
weakness of character.
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00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,800
But it hurt to admit I was wrong
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00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,600
and I failed to resist temptation.
124
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:19,200
That lack of willpower
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00:10:20,000 --> 00:10:22,440
led me to foresee an easy conquest.
126
00:10:22,625 --> 00:10:26,155
Hypocritically,
I could not have been more thrilled.
127
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,673
Yes, I had only disdain
for her credulity.
128
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,708
Just as she must have disdained
129
00:10:35,875 --> 00:10:37,953
my abundance of precaution
in seducing her.
130
00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:42,760
Lacking in self-confidence,
she wanted someone who might,
131
00:10:42,920 --> 00:10:46,160
if not mistreat her, keep her on track,
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00:10:46,333 --> 00:10:50,313
giving her a sense of direction
she could not find herself.
133
00:10:51,417 --> 00:10:52,433
I...
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00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,120
I thought only of adapting to her.
135
00:10:55,583 --> 00:10:56,953
Of studying her.
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00:10:57,917 --> 00:10:59,042
Studying her.
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00:10:59,583 --> 00:11:00,993
Or so I thought,
138
00:11:01,167 --> 00:11:04,167
whereas I was the toy
of my own imagination.
139
00:11:04,327 --> 00:11:06,000
Was it really her
140
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:07,960
there, before my eyes?
141
00:11:08,375 --> 00:11:10,313
How could I be so blind?
142
00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:12,553
I gave her a fictitious substitute,
143
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,433
that ideal woman
every 16-year-old dreams of.
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00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:16,840
I filled her silences
145
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:19,040
and misapprehended my own device.
146
00:11:19,208 --> 00:11:20,833
I demanded nothing from her
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00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,713
other than not demolishing
by sudden honesty
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00:11:23,880 --> 00:11:25,633
my laborious assembly.
149
00:11:47,667 --> 00:11:49,753
It was marriage I had in mind,
150
00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,512
and marriage alone.
151
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,360
She meant very little to me,
152
00:11:54,520 --> 00:11:56,520
as long as, at the appointed time,
153
00:11:56,708 --> 00:11:59,417
she took her place
in the plan I'd drawn up,
154
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:03,800
at an age when I felt I deserved
what I foolishly called love, happiness.
155
00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:08,240
All that mattered was success,
matching events to my outlook.
156
00:12:08,417 --> 00:12:11,153
Far from being surprised
by my easy victory,
157
00:12:11,333 --> 00:12:14,512
I saw there
the mark of destiny smiling on me.
158
00:12:18,125 --> 00:12:20,193
I merely had to pick the ripe fruit.
159
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:21,880
Everything was in my favor.
160
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:23,553
Half-abandoned studies,
161
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,958
the prospect of moving back home,
162
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:29,080
and perhaps her recent romantic breakup.
163
00:12:29,250 --> 00:12:30,473
Unsure of my strengths,
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00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:34,250
I dangled before her eyes
the circles I moved in.
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00:12:34,417 --> 00:12:35,917
However drab for me,
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00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:38,995
in her gray life,
they must have dazzled.
167
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:41,033
Just up from the provinces,
168
00:12:41,208 --> 00:12:43,583
where the boys her age mistreated her,
169
00:12:43,750 --> 00:12:47,195
the solicitude of my friends and I
won her over to marriage
170
00:12:47,375 --> 00:12:50,512
with a rapidity
I would not have suspected.
171
00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,280
Why did she say yes?
172
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,840
And so fast?
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00:13:29,083 --> 00:13:30,193
Ambition?
174
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:31,400
Advantage?
175
00:13:31,833 --> 00:13:34,333
She could have found a wealthier match.
176
00:13:35,417 --> 00:13:36,417
Heartbreak?
177
00:13:36,833 --> 00:13:37,873
Weariness?
178
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,433
Or weakness in the face of my insistence?
179
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:46,440
Because I was able, at that moment,
to flatter her vanity?
180
00:13:47,333 --> 00:13:49,042
Had she renounced love?
181
00:13:49,208 --> 00:13:50,667
And, prepared for the worst,
182
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,640
did she think that this decision
183
00:13:52,800 --> 00:13:54,800
was no more absurd than another?
184
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,840
Had she promised herself
to exploit the weakness
185
00:13:58,002 --> 00:13:59,793
she discerned in me?
186
00:14:12,167 --> 00:14:13,353
In one peak of fury,
187
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:17,040
I accused her of giving in
to despair and sordid calculations.
188
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,398
It is clear she didn't love me
for a single moment.
189
00:14:20,558 --> 00:14:23,593
Always the same stony face,
the same hostile passivity.
190
00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:25,593
The same resigned indolence.
191
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:28,880
This marriage evidently revolted her.
192
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,280
Yet, to all appearances,
193
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:52,080
no union ever
was more freely consented to.
194
00:14:52,250 --> 00:14:54,875
I always respectfully
requested her opinion,
195
00:14:55,042 --> 00:14:57,633
thinking I was attentive
to her freedom and mine.
196
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,360
It flattered my pride,
197
00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,240
and that was the main thing.
198
00:15:01,417 --> 00:15:03,473
What would happen after?
199
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:05,600
I was concerned about the "after."
200
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:07,960
I didn't want to think about it.
201
00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:41,035
How could I have been so wrong?
202
00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,590
I thought a new era
was opening up before me
203
00:15:43,750 --> 00:15:46,793
without comparison
to any I had experienced.
204
00:15:47,250 --> 00:15:49,667
I looked forward to leaving the world
205
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:51,280
where my youth had gone by,
206
00:15:51,442 --> 00:15:54,280
and which I now saw as pale and rigid.
207
00:15:54,875 --> 00:15:57,473
I scorned others
for sinking into a rut,
208
00:15:57,640 --> 00:15:59,793
cultivating the same dreary pleasures
209
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,593
that I had for too long enjoyed.
210
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,542
I could feel sorry for them,
211
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:08,960
dazzled as I was
by what I pompously called
212
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,720
by the name of love.
213
00:16:46,292 --> 00:16:47,473
Was I truly in love?
214
00:16:48,042 --> 00:16:49,433
I don't believe so now.
215
00:16:50,125 --> 00:16:52,375
My pride alone was at stake.
216
00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:54,793
I was proud to see on their faces
217
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,667
that benevolent irony,
218
00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:58,760
which so flattered my vanity.
219
00:16:59,667 --> 00:17:01,793
Their barely concealed envy
220
00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:05,250
was the best encouragement,
221
00:17:05,667 --> 00:17:07,313
my purest pleasure,
222
00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:09,753
perhaps the sum of my happiness.
223
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,333
For me, it was an adequate verdict.
224
00:17:12,493 --> 00:17:16,000
My only genuine emotion
was the joy that verdict brought.
225
00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:19,333
I indulged my scorn of my past.
226
00:17:20,083 --> 00:17:24,353
I saw not even the rockiest foundation
to build the life I wanted now.
227
00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:28,040
I failed to notice boredom
piercing our constrained cheer.
228
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,360
The grimace that our smile
struggled to conceal.
229
00:17:35,458 --> 00:17:39,542
Only a few months had passed
since our wedding
230
00:17:39,708 --> 00:17:42,073
when I had to face the terrible fact...
231
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:44,560
I had been wrong about her.
232
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:47,583
As she had, I suppose, about me.
233
00:17:47,750 --> 00:17:52,033
Never had two beings
been less made for each other than us.
234
00:17:52,958 --> 00:17:55,393
We continued to smile out of politeness.
235
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:56,713
Habit.
236
00:17:56,882 --> 00:17:57,993
Self-esteem.
237
00:17:58,458 --> 00:18:02,113
It hurt us to admit our mistake
to ourselves.
238
00:18:02,458 --> 00:18:04,233
For fear of destroying everything,
239
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:07,633
I kept putting off
the time for an honest conversation.
240
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:12,080
I'd hoped the concerns of married life
would smooth over our differences.
241
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:17,000
I was expecting from her
a word or sign that never came.
242
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:22,520
I try in vain to remember
her ever showing the slightest affection.
243
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,600
Everything in her attitude intimated
244
00:18:24,762 --> 00:18:27,593
I should be happy
simply to have her as my wife.
245
00:18:27,760 --> 00:18:30,120
But there was never any love between us.
246
00:18:30,292 --> 00:18:32,000
And there never would be.
247
00:18:33,125 --> 00:18:35,353
Others have known problem beginnings.
248
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:39,240
My sin, my crime, was to refuse
to bend to the common law.
249
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,715
To believe that besides a fairy tale,
crumbling day by day,
250
00:18:42,875 --> 00:18:44,353
nothing else was possible.
251
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,320
Friendship, esteem, seemed to me
252
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:48,080
to be too prosaic.
253
00:18:48,250 --> 00:18:51,113
I could not accept
that painstakingly won happiness
254
00:18:51,292 --> 00:18:53,673
was preferable
to the most beautiful myth.
255
00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:55,913
Light-headed from the summit air,
256
00:18:56,083 --> 00:18:58,353
eyes on the peak, the best,
257
00:18:58,542 --> 00:19:00,833
I glimpsed the slope down to the worst
258
00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:03,600
and was mesmerized by its giddy curve.
259
00:19:04,792 --> 00:19:07,393
It was already impossible
to climb back up.
260
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,115
We realized we had nothing to say
to each other.
261
00:19:10,292 --> 00:19:11,633
Our projects went nowhere.
262
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:15,273
Our apartment was as cold
as the day I moved in.
263
00:19:16,333 --> 00:19:18,913
We both lived in separate worlds.
264
00:19:19,083 --> 00:19:21,458
In an incommunicable dream.
265
00:19:22,792 --> 00:19:25,500
What was hers?
What did she think about?
266
00:19:25,667 --> 00:19:26,833
Her misfortune?
267
00:19:27,002 --> 00:19:28,033
Her mistake?
268
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:30,433
Why not try accusing me?
269
00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:32,593
Why this silence?
270
00:19:33,292 --> 00:19:34,753
Why this disdain?
271
00:19:37,458 --> 00:19:40,273
Hatred insidiously took root inside me.
272
00:19:40,667 --> 00:19:42,553
As, I suspected, it took root in her.
273
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,192
This stage, which every couple
274
00:19:45,375 --> 00:19:47,553
has to get through at least once,
275
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:49,513
blocked my horizon with a line
276
00:19:49,680 --> 00:19:52,798
that I thought and wanted
to be definitive.
277
00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:55,393
When the first fights broke out,
278
00:19:55,560 --> 00:19:58,583
I was relieved to feel
a particular pleasure,
279
00:19:58,750 --> 00:20:01,393
which replaced for me
the pleasure of loving
280
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:02,913
and being loved.
281
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:38,000
The rages
282
00:20:38,500 --> 00:20:40,458
and hypocritical reconciliations,
283
00:20:40,625 --> 00:20:44,417
in other people,
would have struck me as vulgar, sordid.
284
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:48,880
Yet I accorded them a virtue,
a grandeur, they did not possess.
285
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,160
I called it living at last.
286
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:55,560
Anything seemed preferable
to the dull boredom we were flailing in.
287
00:20:56,667 --> 00:20:57,952
I dared to hope
288
00:20:58,120 --> 00:21:01,880
these petty storms would provoke
the desired rapprochement.
289
00:21:02,125 --> 00:21:04,713
But I sensed my anger was only paused.
290
00:21:05,917 --> 00:21:08,153
And I'd be the plaything of a force
291
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:10,083
I had never encountered,
292
00:21:10,243 --> 00:21:12,760
but I relished in advance
its exhilaration.
293
00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:16,800
That was my state of mind
when I first met him this winter.
294
00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:18,542
An up-and-coming critic,
295
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:21,040
he asked me to collaborate on an article.
296
00:21:21,208 --> 00:21:22,208
He had talent.
297
00:21:22,833 --> 00:21:26,292
Our tastes were as similar
as our personalities were different.
298
00:21:26,500 --> 00:21:27,633
The contrast,
299
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:30,075
far from dividing us, brought us closer.
300
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,400
Keen to lose myself,
301
00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:33,793
I have always loved the company
302
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,333
of friends very different from me.
303
00:21:54,542 --> 00:21:57,273
My wife, of course,
showed him a long face.
304
00:21:57,458 --> 00:21:59,753
As with everyone I introduced her to.
305
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:02,583
Anything that had any connection to me,
306
00:22:02,750 --> 00:22:04,375
my friends, my likes,
307
00:22:04,708 --> 00:22:05,792
my admirations,
308
00:22:06,125 --> 00:22:07,500
ever found favor with her.
309
00:22:07,667 --> 00:22:08,513
I was irritated
310
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:09,960
but also flattered
311
00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:12,798
that she snubbed us all alike.
312
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,960
I knew women liked him
so I was on my guard.
313
00:22:16,125 --> 00:22:19,042
My disarray at the time was such
that I was prey
314
00:22:19,208 --> 00:22:21,375
to the most contradictory ideas.
315
00:22:21,542 --> 00:22:23,993
While wanting him to entertain her
316
00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:28,680
and put on her face
the smile I hadn't seen for months,
317
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:31,040
I also hoped, on the contrary,
318
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:32,800
that she would despise him,
319
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:36,680
denigrate my admiration
and try her best to sap our friendship.
320
00:22:38,542 --> 00:22:40,873
That's what I wanted deep down,
321
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:44,920
but I sensed reality would be
the exact opposite of my wishes.
322
00:22:45,083 --> 00:22:47,913
It was like a test
I wanted to put her through.
323
00:22:48,083 --> 00:22:50,542
If his presence riled her,
I said to myself,
324
00:22:50,708 --> 00:22:52,993
everything may yet be saved.
325
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:56,600
On the other hand,
if he had the slightest effect on her,
326
00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:01,440
our marriage clearly was the fruit
of the saddest misunderstanding ever.
327
00:23:16,792 --> 00:23:17,875
I gambled.
328
00:23:18,042 --> 00:23:19,042
And lost.
329
00:23:19,208 --> 00:23:21,873
Any hopes I had left were blown away
330
00:23:22,042 --> 00:23:23,393
by my first suspicions.
331
00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:28,240
Hatred implanted itself in me
definitively.
332
00:23:28,708 --> 00:23:30,593
Nothing would be able
333
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:32,240
to dislodge it.
334
00:24:14,292 --> 00:24:18,353
That evening, I distinctly perceived,
for the first time,
335
00:24:18,542 --> 00:24:22,673
the exact nature of the anger
slowly massing inside me.
336
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:26,640
We were both lost in our concerns,
our momentary intrigues.
337
00:24:27,167 --> 00:24:29,458
I was consumed by jealousy and despair.
338
00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:32,520
Her and him,
their harmony and joy,
339
00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:34,160
consumed my thoughts.
340
00:24:34,333 --> 00:24:38,313
Yet, I perceived just as distinctly
each stroke of the bow,
341
00:24:38,500 --> 00:24:40,153
or of the keys of the piano.
342
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,640
Such a terrible thing is music.
343
00:25:36,800 --> 00:25:39,513
Those who say it soothes
and ennobles are wrong.
344
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,073
It merely communicates
345
00:25:41,750 --> 00:25:43,353
a sense of excitement.
346
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,240
Excitement that is pure
and without outlet.
347
00:25:47,250 --> 00:25:49,292
It multiplies your inner torment
348
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:52,480
without bringing you the food
to satisfy it.
349
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:54,880
The fury of the first presto,
350
00:25:55,375 --> 00:25:57,553
so well attuned to my thoughts
that evening,
351
00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:00,640
far from being in itself fulfillment,
352
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:02,400
added a thousand tangents.
353
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:06,360
I knew only that something had to happen,
354
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,520
the most violent
355
00:26:08,680 --> 00:26:10,417
and terrible thing possible.
356
00:26:10,583 --> 00:26:12,473
No, music does not soothe.
357
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,583
Like alcohol or drugs,
358
00:26:14,792 --> 00:26:18,458
it drapes in artificial grandeur
our most vile sentiments.
359
00:26:18,640 --> 00:26:23,240
It espouses movements, base or noble,
drives them to demented heights,
360
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,360
allows us to see only them,
and urges us to obey.
361
00:26:27,167 --> 00:26:29,375
Nothing else mattered but my anger.
362
00:26:29,542 --> 00:26:33,033
I cradled it, pampered it, relished it,
like a new love.
363
00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:36,040
It was my only friend, my only support.
364
00:26:36,200 --> 00:26:37,440
My only refuge.
365
00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:19,757
Between the poverty and banality
of the world where the others languished
366
00:27:19,917 --> 00:27:23,473
and the fascinating beauty
of the one my fury revealed,
367
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,600
there was no possible comparison.
368
00:27:25,958 --> 00:27:29,625
I was to wholly accept
abandoning myself to her,
369
00:27:29,792 --> 00:27:32,667
slave to her every whim and wish.
370
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:37,560
I was to follow her
with requisite submissiveness
371
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:39,360
wherever she indicated,
372
00:27:39,792 --> 00:27:41,000
or demanded,
373
00:27:41,167 --> 00:27:42,673
including to madness,
374
00:27:42,840 --> 00:27:44,160
to catastrophe.
375
00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:45,480
To crime.
376
00:28:35,360 --> 00:28:36,520
She loved him.
377
00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:39,880
The truth could not fail to leap out
to the blindest of eyes.
378
00:28:40,042 --> 00:28:42,953
Now, she reserved
her smiles and glances for him.
379
00:28:43,125 --> 00:28:44,393
Her fond words.
380
00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:46,840
Of which there'd been none for me.
381
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:51,280
He alone would have
the spectacle of her abandonment.
382
00:28:51,458 --> 00:28:52,513
Of her joy.
383
00:28:53,125 --> 00:28:54,833
It wasn't supposed to be.
384
00:28:55,002 --> 00:28:57,113
It had no right to exist.
385
00:28:57,792 --> 00:28:58,793
And yet,
386
00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:01,440
it was a few steps from me,
387
00:29:01,792 --> 00:29:03,233
almost before my eyes.
388
00:29:29,042 --> 00:29:32,673
My outbursts now
no longer caused me remorse.
389
00:29:33,917 --> 00:29:37,633
All I knew was that, every time,
they would be more violent.
390
00:29:38,667 --> 00:29:40,193
There was no limit anymore.
391
00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:43,120
Any pretext would do. Any absence.
392
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:45,200
Any telephone call.
393
00:30:17,375 --> 00:30:20,333
I wished I could destroy her. Crush her.
394
00:30:20,500 --> 00:30:24,553
Dissolve her
until no morsel of herself was left.
395
00:30:24,720 --> 00:30:26,433
But I knew it was impossible.
396
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:28,033
Not yet possible.
397
00:30:28,792 --> 00:30:31,708
My anger had not gained the strength
to go so far.
398
00:30:32,160 --> 00:30:34,160
Vestiges of goodwill and conscience
399
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:37,880
brought even the most delirious outbreaks
to an end.
400
00:30:39,958 --> 00:30:44,080
She thought I was putting on an act,
trying to scare her.
401
00:30:44,242 --> 00:30:45,880
When I was merely ridiculous.
402
00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:48,040
Her reaction mattered little.
403
00:30:48,208 --> 00:30:50,473
It was like a rehearsal
for the grand finale,
404
00:30:50,640 --> 00:30:53,560
which was bound to happen,
sooner or later.
405
00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:56,033
It was too serious, too terrible,
406
00:30:56,840 --> 00:30:59,040
to burst out all of a sudden,
407
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:02,280
without a test, without a blunder,
without repentance.
408
00:31:50,875 --> 00:31:52,667
Why didn't she leave?
409
00:31:52,917 --> 00:31:54,393
I think I'd have let her run.
410
00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:56,640
Did she not take my anger seriously?
411
00:31:56,800 --> 00:31:59,320
Had he been toying with her perhaps?
412
00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:02,960
Before breaking up,
did she want to be sure he was sincere?
413
00:32:03,792 --> 00:32:06,473
It occurred to me
she was playing for time,
414
00:32:06,642 --> 00:32:08,273
and found it better to pretend.
415
00:32:09,500 --> 00:32:11,292
Her dissembling disappointed me,
416
00:32:11,500 --> 00:32:14,473
while reassuring
my more reasonable self.
417
00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:19,233
At this point, the tiniest spark
would have set it all off in flames.
418
00:32:19,417 --> 00:32:20,873
In my moments of calm,
419
00:32:21,042 --> 00:32:25,713
I clung to everything,
truth or deception mutually accepted,
420
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:29,458
that postponed the imminence
of the final blaze.
421
00:32:41,417 --> 00:32:43,673
She promised never to see him again.
422
00:32:43,840 --> 00:32:46,583
I was naive enough
not to doubt her word,
423
00:32:46,750 --> 00:32:49,993
believing her incapable
not only of deep attachment,
424
00:32:50,167 --> 00:32:52,667
but also of being faithful to a caprice.
425
00:32:52,833 --> 00:32:56,000
So I took her at her word,
and apparent calm reigned
426
00:32:57,120 --> 00:32:58,680
for a week or two.
427
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:03,120
Then came an intense period at work,
428
00:33:03,280 --> 00:33:06,080
which often kept me out of the house.
429
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:15,640
One evening,
when I came home without warning,
430
00:33:16,167 --> 00:33:19,292
the familiar smell of Turkish cigarettes,
431
00:33:19,875 --> 00:33:22,153
a spotlessly clean ashtray,
432
00:33:23,208 --> 00:33:27,033
left no more room for doubt
about the number she was performing.
433
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:32,920
It was like an ice-cold shower.
434
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:34,600
Surprising calm
435
00:33:35,082 --> 00:33:36,793
gave way to my anger.
436
00:33:39,200 --> 00:33:43,320
If she was seeing him here,
it wouldn't be hard to catch them out.
437
00:33:43,500 --> 00:33:45,393
I decided to act cheerful,
438
00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:48,600
obliging her in turn to do likewise.
439
00:33:49,240 --> 00:33:51,280
She played her part well enough
440
00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:53,400
to fortify my resolve.
441
00:33:55,720 --> 00:34:00,680
At the earliest possible opportunity,
I invented a business trip.
442
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:21,560
It was this very morning.
443
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:26,320
The imminence of the conclusion
suddenly revived my former self.
444
00:34:27,840 --> 00:34:30,480
My only fear
was that my ruse would be in vain.
445
00:34:30,640 --> 00:34:33,708
No! Anything rather than the failure
of my stratagem.
446
00:34:34,208 --> 00:34:36,915
If I caught them,
it would feel atrocious.
447
00:34:37,083 --> 00:34:38,793
A brutal end to the doubts
448
00:34:39,125 --> 00:34:41,593
that lingered with no good reason.
449
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:45,720
But nothing was more painful
than those doubts.
450
00:34:45,880 --> 00:34:48,240
What could bring me out of them,
451
00:34:48,417 --> 00:34:50,160
other than the irrevocable?
452
00:34:50,833 --> 00:34:52,353
My pain was so strong
453
00:34:52,720 --> 00:34:55,960
that I was tempted to go far away
and never come back.
454
00:34:56,458 --> 00:34:58,633
Then I thought that a walk
455
00:34:58,800 --> 00:35:01,583
and the cool air would do me good.
456
00:35:04,360 --> 00:35:08,200
Briefly, I envisioned
leaping in front of a truck
457
00:35:08,360 --> 00:35:09,960
to end it all faster.
458
00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:12,240
But it would play into her hands.
459
00:35:12,750 --> 00:35:15,433
And what mattered
unhappiness or happiness?
460
00:35:15,600 --> 00:35:17,913
All that counted now was my revenge.
461
00:35:18,833 --> 00:35:20,673
What would happen exactly?
462
00:35:21,083 --> 00:35:22,273
I could not say.
463
00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:26,400
It would depend on them, on me,
and above all on my anger.
464
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:30,667
I'd let her go as far as she could
on her own, to guide me
465
00:35:31,125 --> 00:35:33,473
and take all necessary initiatives.
466
00:35:33,960 --> 00:35:37,040
It was a relief to think
that his superior strength
467
00:35:37,200 --> 00:35:39,160
would stop me fighting cold-bloodedly.
468
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:41,880
It would be no-holds-barred.
469
00:35:42,040 --> 00:35:44,240
I'd grab anything within reach.
470
00:35:44,417 --> 00:35:46,313
Paperweight, lamp, chair...
471
00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:49,520
Or the knife on the shelf in the hall,
472
00:35:49,720 --> 00:35:52,720
where the scene
would probably take place.
473
00:35:53,500 --> 00:35:55,072
Yes, I would fight.
474
00:35:55,240 --> 00:35:56,552
Stupidly, like a fool.
475
00:35:57,120 --> 00:35:58,920
Not to hurt him,
476
00:35:59,080 --> 00:36:01,400
since I had never managed to hate him,
477
00:36:01,583 --> 00:36:04,673
but because it was the natural outlet
for my fury,
478
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:08,113
because the dream
nurtured by my imagination
479
00:36:08,840 --> 00:36:12,000
needed to find at last
its match in reality.
480
00:38:44,125 --> 00:38:46,292
He left, ducked out.
481
00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:49,680
Everything so far
had been ordinary, licit.
482
00:38:50,875 --> 00:38:52,153
And she
483
00:38:52,333 --> 00:38:55,750
kept looking at me
with that cold, disdainful gaze,
484
00:38:55,917 --> 00:38:58,273
barely any more frightened than usual.
485
00:38:59,500 --> 00:39:02,913
I needed my ebbing anger
to recharge fast.
486
00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:05,880
One more second
and the time would have gone.
487
00:39:12,542 --> 00:39:14,633
Everything happened as I thought,
488
00:39:14,800 --> 00:39:17,153
but not exactly
how I thought it would.
489
00:39:17,333 --> 00:39:19,917
All I dreamed of doing blindly,
490
00:39:20,240 --> 00:39:21,480
in the thickest mist,
491
00:39:21,680 --> 00:39:24,040
I carried out in complete awareness.
492
00:39:24,560 --> 00:39:27,400
The gestures my fury showed me
in my imagination
493
00:39:27,560 --> 00:39:30,280
were dictated in the event
by the clearest resolve.
494
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:32,632
At each moment,
I knew what I was doing,
495
00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:34,920
all in time to a necessary progression,
496
00:39:35,082 --> 00:39:36,913
an inevitable sequence of events.
497
00:39:37,080 --> 00:39:40,080
Nothing could prevent me
from finishing my undertaking.
498
00:39:40,250 --> 00:39:42,042
As if the horror of the end
499
00:39:42,202 --> 00:39:45,720
justified, magnified all the hesitations,
500
00:39:45,880 --> 00:39:47,640
all the uncertainties,
501
00:39:47,800 --> 00:39:51,360
which from the start
had defined its route.
35193
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