All language subtitles for How to Get Ahead in Advertising [1989]

Let me try and clarify
some of this for you.

Best Company Supermarkets...

are not interested
in selling wholesome foods.

They are not worried
about the nation's health.

What is concerning them
is that the nation...

appears to be getting
worried about its health.

And that is what's
worrying Best Co.,

because Best Co. wants to go on
selling them what it always has,

i.e., white breads,
baked beans, canned foods...

and that fat-squirting
little heart attack...

traditionally known
as the British sausage.

So how can we
help them with that?

Clearly, we are looking
for a label.

We need a label
brimming with health.

And everything from a nosh pot
to a white sliced...

will wear one with pride.

I'm aware of the difficulties
of coming to terms with this.

It must be appreciated
from the beginning...

that even the nosh pot
must be low in something.

And if it isn't, it must be high
in something else.

And that is its
health-giving ingredient...

we will sell.

Which brings me
to my final question:

Who are we trying
to sell this to?

Answer: We are trying
to sell this...

to the archetypal
average housewife,

she who fills her basket.

What you have here
is a 22-year-old pretty girl.

What you need is a taut slob,

something on foot deodorizers
in a brassiere.

[Laughing] I'm not quite
sure we can go along with that.

If you look at
the market research...

I don't need to look
at the market research.

I've lived with 13-and-a-half
million housewives for 15 years.

I know everything about them.
She's 37 years old.

She has 2.3 children,
1 .6 of which will be girls.

She uses 16 feet, 6 inches
of toilet tissue a week...

and fucks no more
than 4.2 times a month.

She has seven radiators
and is worried about her weight,

which is why we have her
on a diet.

And because we have her on
a diet, we also encourage her...

to reward herself with little
treats, and she deserves them.

Because anyone existing
on 1200 calories...

of artificial, synthetic,
orange-flavored waffle a day...

deserves a little treat.

"We know it's naughty,
but you do deserve it.

Go on, darling,
swallow a bun."

And she does.

And the instant she does,
the guilt cuts in.

So here we are again
with our diet.

It's a vicious,
but quite wonderful circle,

and it adheres
to only one rule:

"Whatever it is, sell it."

If you want to stay
in advertising,

by God you'd better learn that.

Bagley, it's not in my nature
to be a pain in the ass.

It's been forced on me.
I just had them on the phone.

They are phoning me back, and
I've got to give them something.

Just tell them it's
going to be wonderful. Hi, Harry.

I told them that.
Apart from 15 calls a day,
they couldn't be happier.

They're getting impatient. We promised
them the enigmatic over a week ago.

I'll be frank with you, Bagley.
I'm running out of bullshit.

- Try massaging your temples.
- I've got to give them a date.

Either a date or some idea
of what you're coming up with.

I'm coming up with a brilliant
advertisement for a dull pimple cream.

Then why can't I take a look?
Why can't I see something...

you know, just a storyboard
or some roughs, anything...

so as I can give them an idea
of the direction you're going in?

- No. Any calls?
- Mr. Bristol called twice.

- I hope you told him I was out.
- Yes, Mr. Bagley. You were out.

Good. If he calls again,
I'm still out.

Bagley, you have got
to give me a date.

All right, try Monday on him.
And don't get so panicky.

Nobody ever remembers a late delivery,
Richard. They only remember a bad one.

Boil busters.
The boil busters.

Your face can be
a battleground.

You need something tough.

Jesus.

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

[Bagley's Voice] What do they want
another pimple cream for?

[Man's Voice] There's a lot
of boils out there, Bagley.

Nobody cares as much
about your skin as you do,

but we do try.

And because we care...

we went to an expert,

Mother Nature,

and we discovered that sometimes
the most effective way...

of dealing with those
troublesome little breakouts...

is Mother Nature's own
richest source of Vitamin A.

So... we took
essential oils...

of carrot, marigold seed...

roots and other
natural ingredients,

and we packed this shit
into every tube.

We called it HP Megaventure.

If it doesn't work
on your blackheads,

you can spread the fucker
on toast!

Sorry to disturb you,
Mr. Bagley,

but Mr. Bristol's
on the line again.

- Tell him I'm out again.
- He says he knows you're not.

He knows you're avoiding him and
says he insists on a time to see you.

Oh, for Christ's sake,
give me a break.

All right, tell him
4:00 this afternoon.

- And get my wife on the phone.
- Yes, Mr. Bagley.

Hi. My name's
Barbara Simmons,

and I'm a biochemist.

But at night I'm a woman,

and I want my skin
to be at its best.

So I recommend
a new product.

It's called...

whatever the fuck
it's called,

and I use...
whatever the fuck it is...

because I know it works.

And I should know...

because... I make it.

[Secretary On Intercom]
Mrs. Bagley on line one.

What do you want!

Yes, I'm sorry, darling.
I know I did.

Listen, I don't think
I'm gonna make it back tonight.

I'm gonna blitz it.

Fine, fine.
It's going fine.

Just the deadline's
getting serious.

Really?

Well, we could meet
for lunch,

celebrate my breakthrough.

Okay, 1:00.

You're chain-smoking, darling.

I know I am. I know I am.

I'd like another vodka martini,
dry as a bone, twist, no olive.

- Signor.
- Spritzer, please.

I tell you,Julia,
I'm out of my mind.

I'm getting nowhere. Zero.

Stop getting so wound up
about it. It'll come.

And please put that cigarette out.
That's three in ten minutes.

Darling, why don't you
forget it a minute.

Take the afternoon off.

- I can't. I've got to see Bristol.
- You're not gonna be much use.

Oh, that's where
you're wrong,Julia.

That's what's so insane about all this.
Anything else, I'm fine.

Give me any other part of the human
body, I'll sell it something.

Give me a bald head,
and I'll sell it shampoo.

- I cannot get a handle on the boils.
- Pass me the butter, please.

The moment
I think of a boil,

my mind slips into a sort of
dreadful, oily neutral.

I just sit there
hour after hour,

chewing the ends off pencils,
smoking myself daft.

- What exactly is this stuff?
- It's a standard...

16 to 26-year-old acne attacker,
a hexafluoride.

- Does it work?
- No idea. It's probably junk.

Well, that's probably
the problem.

If you knew it actually got rid of
boils, you'd have no problem selling it.

Nobody in advertising
wants to get rid of boils.

They're good little
money spinners.

All we want to do is offer hope
of getting rid of them.

- Where's our drinks?
- They're coming, sir.

Well, I really do think you should
cancel Bristol and come home with me.

I can't. I've been canceling him
all week. Why can't we cancel dinner?

I'm not in the mood
for that mob.

If I had known we were having dinner,
I'd have never suggested lunch.

We can have both.
People do, darling.

- I suppose Wheelstock will be there.
- Don't take it out on Penny.

[Coughing]
I don't know what to do.

Dennis, for goodness'sake,
stop getting so paranoid.

Everything will be all right. You've
had these problems many times before.

- Not like this, I haven't.
- You had a terrible time with piles.

I did not have
a terrible time with piles.

I may have had a problem
getting a hold of them,

- but selling them was a piece of cake.
- You're raising your voice.

Compared to this, piles
were a birthday present.

So was dandruff.
So was breath.

You're still raising
your voice.

The whole lot taken together,
including the fucking lawnmowers,

is nothing compared
to the pimples, acne and boils!

[Bagley]
I don't want to go back in there.

[julia] Don't worry about it.
Don't think about boils.

If a boil pops up,
think of something else.

And don't go near your office.
Just see Bristol and come home.

Are you sure
you can't wait for me?

Sorry, I can't, darling.

[Elevator Bell Dings]

[Elevator Bell Dings]

Get Bristol on the line.
Tell him I'm coming in to see him now.

- [Toys Squeaking]
-[Man] Yeah, have him call me later.

Sorry to keep you waiting.
I didn't expect you till 4:00.

- Take a look at this.
- What is it?

It's a photo of an arse
from a copying machine.

- Don't recognize it, do you?
- Not offhand, no.

You did a bit of
a tongue-lashing yesterday.

- Really?
- Said you went over the top.

I haven't got time
to give lessons in advertising.

They asked my opinion,
and I gave it.

In my opinion, they
completely missed the brief.

I think you're probably right.
Not now, Sheila.

As a matter of fact,
I think you helped them out.

About 15 minutes.

Anyway, that's not actually
what I wanted to talk about.

How are we getting on
with the pimple cream?

Five minutes.

Is it special?
555-0472.

-Sensational.
- Can you give me a verbal peek?

- You know me,John. I'd rather not.
- That's what I thought.

No, Los Angeles
555-0472.

I'm very pleased to hear,
because I'll tell you frankly,

they were on the phone this morning,
threatening to pull the account.

Anyone but you,
and they would.

It's finished. Just a fine-tune.
I'll be through over the weekend.

Can we die or rise on that?

- Of course.
- Wonderful. Wonderful.

Yes, put him through.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Really? Why so fast?

Really?

Why can't he see
Washbourne, Riddle and Gore?

Really?

[Laughs]

Whatever are do-si-dos?

[Laughs]
Is it a kipper?

Oh, that's interesting.
What a complete range of dinners.

Frozen kippers.
Just hang on a second, Bagley.

No, he's here now.
I'll ask him.

No, he's finished. He'll
be through Monday for sure.

Hang on a sec, Eddie.
Can you handle a Monday pitch?

It's a quickie.
You'd have to go in dry.

- What's the product?
- It's a boil pack.

- You all right, Bagley?
- Yes, I'm fine.

Tell him okay. I'll be in
first thing Monday morning.

[julia's Voice]
You must stop worrying.

If a boil pops up, force yourself
to think of something else.

[Bagley's Voice]
You're absolutely right.

I'm absolutely not
gonna think about boils...

large boils, blind boils
or fat girls'boils...

till 10:00 tomorrow morning.

What about large, blind,
fat girls with boils?

I see the police have made
another lightning raid.

- Paddington drug orgy.
- [Scoffs]

I suppose
young girls was involved.

"One discovered naked
in the kitchen,

"breasts smeared
with peanut butter.

"The police took away a bag
containing 15 grams...

"of cannibis resin.

It may also contain
a quantity of heroin."

[Bagley]
Or a pork pie.

I beg your pardon?

I said, the bag may also
have contained a pork pie.

I hardly see a pork pie's
got anything to do with it.

All right, then.
What about a large turnip?

It may also have contained
a big turnip.

- The bag was full of drugs.
- Nonsense.

The bag was full of drugs!
It says so!

The bag could have been
full of anything...

pork pies, turnips,
oven parts.

- It's the oldest trick in the book.
- What book?

The distortion of truth
by association book.

The word is "may."

You all believe heroin was in the bag
because cannibis resin was in the bag.

The bag may have contained heroin, but
the chances are 100 to 1 that it didn't.

More likely
than what you say.

About as likely as a tit
spread with peanut butter.

- Do you mind?
- The tits were spread.

Who's the man you are to think
you know more than the press?

I'm an expert on tits...
tits and peanut butter.

I'm also an expert
drug pusher.

I've been pushing drugs
for 20 years.

- I've had enough of this!
- A pusher protects his pitch.

We want to sell them cigarettes
and don't like competition,

so we associate
a relatively innocuous drug...

with one that is
extremely dangerous.

And the rags go along with it because
they adore the dough from the ads.

- I'm getting off at Datcher.
- Getting off won't help you.

I've had an octopus scotting
on my brain for a fortnight,

and I suddenly see that I am
the only one that can help you.

I've been worried sick
about boils for a fortnight...

large boils, small boils,
fast eruptors...

They're incurable, all of them.
I know that, and so does everybody else.

Until they get one.
Then the rules suddenly change.

With a boil on the nose,
there's a sudden surge in faith.

They want to believe
something will work.

He knows that, which is why he gets
a good look in with dying.

Sell some hope, see?

These boys would be
full-time into real estate...

if anyone came up
with a cure for death!

God, this is a madman!

What do you know about God,
you wire-haired mick?

Here, have 'em.
I've given up.

[Train Whistle Blows]

- What on earth are you doing?
- I'm reading a newspaper.

We're in the middle
of a dinner party.

I'm sorry. I can't bear
that pompous herbivore in there.

I'm sick of hearing
about her soya proteins.

You might at least
make a bit of an effort.

At least sit at the table.
Bring the cream.

Actually had both breasts
and the leg removed?

Most girls love
being on the pill.

Do you think women like filling
their bodies with chemicals?

We're talking about eels.

Yes, it is most extraordinary.
Apparently, by the year 2000,

the level of estrogen in the sea will be
as much as two parts per million.

So many women taking the pill,
it's starting to mess up the fish.

- They're breeding in the sea.
- I thought fish did.

Not eels, darling.
Eels breed in rivers.

I think men should bleed.

What a disgusting
thing to say!

You find bleeding
disgusting, do you?

Not particularly.
Just the way you said it.

That horrible sneer
and mouth full of nuts.

Darling, Penny is our guest.

Women, I might inform you,
take that primitive device...

called the pill
because it's all they've got.

They don't like it.
I personally abhor it.

But, unfortunately,
it's all we've got.

- In what context?
- In the context of bed.

I'm surprised
you need to bother.

Contrail, anyone?

Darling, I know you're having
a very difficult time at the moment,

and I know you've had rather a lot
to drink and didn't mean what you said,

but Penny is our guest and
I'd like you to apologize.

He doesn't need to. Those kinds
of sexist attitudes are beyond apology.

What do you mean by that?

Do you really think
I don't understand?

You dislike me because I'm not one of
those starved little tarts you exploit.

I don't rush out
and buy your latest makeup.

I have a mind of my own,
and I have a body of my own...

that doesn't fit into the preconceived
patterns men like you dictate.

- You mean you're fat.
- Yes, I'm fat!

And you're perfectly at liberty
to hate me for it.

I don't dislike you
because of that.

I wouldn't care if you were so huge we
had to put up scaffolding to feed you.

For God's sake,
let's not have a row.

- Why shouldn't we have a row?
- Because nobody wants one!

- You're being completely irrational.
- Irrational?

We're all prepared to sit here
discussing mung beans and soya protein,

but if anybody touches on
anything real, it's irrational?

Then you're being rude.
Unutterably rude and a bore!

- Come and have a drink.
- Now I'm gonna have another.

Do you wear Y-fronts?

- Don't tell him.
- I think you're contemptible.

And I think you are a vegan
who eats meat in secret.

- She's a meat-eating vegan.
- I do not eat meat!

But you'll eat fish
till the cows come home.

- Don't argue with him.
- Fish is allowed!

Including eels?
Eels full of estrogen?

If it's buggering the eels,
think what it's doing to you.

- Get back to your fig bottling!
- You're going out of control.

Oh, no, I'm not.
I'm beginning to see the light.

- You're talking nonsense.
- It's all so clear.

I've been living a nightmare,
obsessed with other people's acne,

wracking my brains
to be original about boils.

I've been going berserk!

but then I suddenly
thought of a pork pie.

- Get his Valium.
- It was like a fucking brainwave!

I have discovered that brains
are being laundered daily.

I have found that out,
but it shall be no more!

[Clock Chiming]

Jesus Christ!
What do you think you're doing?

I'm completing a process
of natural selection.

I'm going through
everything in the house...

and isolating items
of genuine worth.

All other products, especially
those contaminated with advertising,

I am disposing of.

Have you gone
out of your mind?

I know it's going to be difficult, but
I'll explain and you will understand.

Dennis, listen to me.
You're under tremendous stress.

You were drunk last night,
and you were out of control.

Maybe, but I've had time to work things
out, to get everything in perspective.

Can't you see what you're doing this
morning is equally out of control?

Oh, no, you're quite wrong. There's
nothing out of control about me now.

I know exactly
what I'm doing now.

God in heaven!

Stench of revenge.

Please stop that.
I think you're ill.

I'm gonna throw those
television sets in here.

- Like you're doing the vacuum cleaner?
- That's right.

Except I'm
gonna do them better.

I'm gonna do them in the middle
of an advertisement for themselves.

You call that rational?

Certainly.
Everything I do is rational.

Why have you put chickens
down the lavatory?

To thaw them
before dismemberment.

You're ill, darling.
I want you to get out of the bath.

They feed 'em on fish,
they taste like fish,

so I shall dismember them
and return them to the sea.

Get out
of the bloody bath!

[Sighs] I know this must be all
sort of upsetting for you,

but honestly I assure you
it's necessity.

- Or we'll never be free.
- From what?

What sort freedom can you get from
hacking a vacuum cleaner to pieces?

Look at you! You've got a bag on
your head. You look stark raving mad.

You need help.
You need rest.

This cursed pimple cream
has got on top of you.

Which is why
I intend to escape.

You're not escaping it.
You're encouraging it.

- You're suffering them yourself.
- What do you mean?

- You've got a boil yourself.
- Me?

Yes, a horrid looking boil
spouting from your neck.

You never had a boil
before in your life.

You're totally worn out,
both physically and emotionally.

My God, you're right!

I've got a boil.

[Woman]
Sullivan Bristol. One moment.

I'm gonna collect
something from my office.

While I'm there, get hold of Bristol
and tell him I'm coming.

Mr. Bristol's out.
Sullivan Bristol.

I want a call
the moment he turns up.

And get me a couple
of dispatch boys.

[Gasps]

I've come to give you
a present.

How nice.

To me, this represents
everything that is wrong...

and everything that is vile
with this profession.

- Really?
- It is the reason I'm resigning.

- What's upset you about it?
- The hypocrisy it represents.

- It was never used.
- Not it... mine.

I believed in it, and I sat back
like some idiot while they buggered it.

- I should have resigned then.
- I see.

I don't approve of its rejection.
I can no longer tolerate it.

I don't approve of Her Majesty's
government's cynical bit of twaddle...

that smoking can seriously damage
your health as any kind of alternative.

I wouldn't have thought
anyone was arguing about that.

Precisely. Nobody's arguing about it,
especially the government.

The only fucker this ever frightened
was the chancellor of the exchequer.

But I'm going to argue about it.
I'm going to shout about it!

- I wouldn't do that, old chap.
- Can damage your health?

What's "can" got to do with it?
Can, could, might, possibly, maybe.

" Does" is the word
we want to hear.

The bastards are killing
100,000 a year.

Warning by Her Majesty's
government:

"This product contains
highly-toxic carcinogenic poisons.

"Avoid all contact.
Do not inhale.

Should inhalation occur,
seek immediate advice from a physician."

I saw Harry yesterday. He said
you had problems with the pimple cream.

Did he?
Well, he's wrong.

Because I have irradicated
the pimple cream from my life.

He also said you lost your temper
with some photographs.

That's right.
Closeups of hives.

Don't you think the way you reacted
could be considered irrational?

Don't start the old irrational
ballocks with me, Bristol!

I'm up to here with it.
I know everything about rationality,

and I know everything there is
to know about advertising.

- Hold them, Sheila.
- So don't tell me I'm being irrational.

Because I'm the one who's take
the stench out of everything but shit.

Okay, old chap, why don't
you take some time off?

What the fuck do you think
I'm resigning for?

I'm taking forever off.
I'm going to cleanse my life.

I'm going to rid my mind
and body of poisons.

And when I've done it,
I intend to encourage others to do it.

- And how will you do that?
- By telling them,you bald fool.

- Walking with a sandwich board?
- If necessary.

- Advertising, dear boy.
- How dare you!

How...
[Groaning]

- What's the matter, Bagley?
- I've got a boil.

A big boil.
I believe it's justice.

The poison crimping
my miserable system.

Fifteen years ago, I was out there
on the floor where you are now,

and I was very like you, Bagley.

I was the best.

But I got myself into some
trouble with a gas-fired heating system.

I tell you, I was desperate.
I made myself ill with worry.

I finally ended up with a specialist
who told me I'd given myself an ulcer.

It was a lot more
than that to me.

As far as I was concerned,
I'd given myself a detonator.

I became obsessed with fears
of spontaneous combustion.

This gas-fired business had penetrated
so deeply into my subconscious,

I thought I was seconds away
from bursting into flames.

I started drinking water,
sometimes as much as 25 pints a day.

I slept with a bucketful
by the bed.

I even bought
a fire extinguisher.

I'm surprised
you needed to bother.

You must have pissed
like a fire engine.

Anyway, what's all this
got to do with me?

What I'm trying to tell you
is that I tried to quit too,

but the man who sat here refused
to accept my resignation.

- Hard luck.
- Was it?

I took a month off
and went abroad,

rested and got myself a tan
and then I came back.

And by Christ, Bagley,
did I sell some radiators.

- Really?
- Never been better.

And I'll tell you something else.
I didn't burst into flames, either.

Well, let's hope
it's not too late.

'Cause if you went up,
it would save me a job.

'Cause I tell you, Bristol,
any night now...

I'm likely to turn up here and
burn this dump to the ground.

[Bagley] I can't believe
howthe thing could grow so quickly.

This morning it was a pea.
Now it's like a fucking tomato.

I can't bear it
any longer,julia.

The bastard's on fire!

Bathe it
in warm water again.

I have bathed it
in warm water again.

I've washed it,
dried it, poked it,

agitated it, insulted it...
nothing.

All it does is throb
and get bigger.

It's like a thing
in a medical magazine.

- Hasn't the mustard helped?
- Of course not.

- Maybe you should try the English.
- This is the English.

No, it's not, darling.
It's Dijon with fine herbs.

- [Groaning]
- Why don't you take some aspirin?

Never!
I'm gonna knife at the swine!

Calm down!
It's just a big boil.

First thing in the morning
I'll run you to town,
and we'll have it looked at.

Now come to bed.

Julia...

it's just grown a hair.

Oh, it's 2:00 in the morning!
Will you please come to bed?

Not now.

I gotta get down there
and do some work.

[Birds Chattering]

[Giggling]

Come on.
He needs some help.

What are we gonna tell him?

All we gotta do is tell him to throw
a rock through their window.

Then knock on the door
and sell them all the burglar alarms.

- Right.
- Oh, this is a good idea.

- Mwah!
- Oh, you missed me.

I'm going again.

Ready? Mwah!

Oh, I think you're wonderful.
[Giggles]

Shall I follow you?

Yeah. Come on, let's hit
this cathode ray tube.

Okay. Ready?
Here I go! Whee!

And whee!

[Pipe Organ
Playing Ominous Chord]

[Pipe Organ
Playing Ominous Chord]

Hiya, handsome.

[Screams]

[Screaming]

The boil!

[Screaming Continues]

You can go home,
Mrs. Wallace.

Dr. Gatty, please.
Julia Bagley.

Well, can you page him?
I need him at once!

[Screaming Continues]

Good. Yes, wonderful.
Thank you. Thank you.

The boil! The boil!

It's alive! It lives!

- What do you mean?
- It's grown a head!

I looked at it in the mirror,
and it spoke to me!

[Screaming]
Have a look at it!

- I have, darling.
- What's it doing?

Nothing.
It's just a big boil.

Boils don't have ears!
Boils don't have mouths that smile!

No, darling.
Neither does yours.

[Sobbing]

I promise you, it's all part of this
silly stress you're going through.

Come along. We'll go
and look at it together.

I don't think I dare.

Shall I tell you
what I think?

You were dreaming. You dreamt
you woke up and went to the bathroom.

You may have even
slept walked that.

You saw your own face
in the mirror, and it frightened you.

Things like that are always happening
when people are under dreadful stress.

- Do you think so?
- I'm certain of it.

-[Doorbell Ringing]
- That'll be Dr. Gatty.

Come upstairs
and put something on.

[Whimpering]

[Doorbell Ringing]

- What's the problem?
- Dennis thinks he's got a talking boil.

- What?
- He's manic.

- Where is he?
- Upstairs.

- How is it manifesting?
-[Screaming]

[Screaming Continues]

Dennis, stop! Dennis!

Dennis, come back!
Stop!

Ah. Come, boy.

Come on, Dennis.
I'm not gonna hurt you.

Stay back, Gatty!
You blast it on the radio!

All right. Here you are.
Now, now, boy.

[Muttering, Straining]

[Dr. Gatty]
There, there, boy.

There. All done.
All done.

[Groaning]

Whew.

How do you think he'd react to
a suggestion of psychoanalysis,Julia?

Well, he'll agree.
He'll have to.

Not necessarily. He's almost
certainly convinced of his sanity.

In which case, it might be difficult to
persuade him a psychiatrist could help.

The only thing he'd consent to
at the moment is me lancing the boil.

Why don't you do it now
while he's asleep?

I'm not an expert
in these things,Julia.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

Removing it in his condition might
set up some kind of permanent block.

You've got to remember, as far as he's
concerned, I wouldn't be lancing it.

I'd be decapitating it,
and that could be dangerous.

We don't know
who this person is.

It might be a relative.
His mother.

- I think it's a male.
- Father, then.

I'm sure that before any attempt is
made, you've got to find out who it is.

Once we've done that, we've got a chance
of converting it back to a normal boil.

Then I'll lance it.

For the moment, it's just a matter
of getting him to a psychoanalyst.

- Do you know someone?
- I know a very good man.

- It might take two or three days.
- He'll have to consent.

- If he doesn't, we'll have to make him.
- I fear so.

- What do you mean?
- Could involve certification.

But he's just exhausted.
He's not really mad, is he?

Running naked around a garden and
suggesting a boil has spoken to you...

is more than just
exhaustion,Julia.

Look, this is what I suggest. Tomorrow
I'll call you with an appointment.

You have to do your best
to get him there.

For the moment, make sure he keeps
taking the tablets every two hours.

He'll stay under control.

When he wakes up,
try and be normal.

You'll probably
have to go along with him.

It'll be difficult.
You'll have to try.

And you'd better keep a record
of what the boil says...

at least what he says it says.

Could be important.

Don't worry.
We'll sort it out.

- What are those?
-Just pills.

Two now, two before bed.

Do you think
I'm going mad,Julia?

Goodness gracious, no!

Dr. Gatty says you're simply
paying the price of your creativity.

You have such an active imagination,
it's taking advantage of you.

- What did he say about the boil?
- He said it's perfectly normal.

He said it's
an absolutely normal boil.

And as soon as you've
had a proper rest, it'll go away.

- Are you sure?
- Absolutely.

Trust me.
Take my word for it.

[Boil]
Mmm, smells good.

-Smells thumb-sucking good.
- Thank you, darling.

- I didn't say anything.
- Oh, I see.

Now we're going to have a nice dinner,
and everything will be normal.

- If it speaks again, we'll ignore it.
-[Whistling]

Promise?

- What are you doing?
- Merely whistling.

You're scary.

Not at all. I was just getting ready
to clear my throat, that's all.

[Clearing Throat]

It's extraordinary how much steam
comes off hot peas, isn't it?

Yes, darling.

[Boil]
Go to France.

Yes, fancy Paris
in the springtime?

That'd be lovely.

[Sighs]
That's a very attractive oven glove.

[Boil]
Are you ashamed of your false teeth?

- I don't have false teeth.
- I know you don't, darling.

What I meant was, if you did have false
teeth, would you be ashamed of them?

- 'Twas a hypothetical question.
- Probably not.

Beouf Bourguignonne.

[Boil]
Breath... For many, the unmentionable.

- I beg your pardon, darling?
-Just happened to be thinking about it.

Breath and false teeth
and things.

- There's no reason why we should wait.
- For what?

Paris. We could leave
in a week or so.

- We could even leave tomorrow.
- You dropped your napkin.

I'll buy a couple of polo necks,
and we could hop on a plane.

[Boil] Put an end to dentures.
You can smile with confidence.

Just ask Barbara Simmons.

Why did you say that?

- Who is Barbara Simmons?
- I don't know.

- Then why talk about her?
- I don't know.

- You're not really trying?
- Trying what?

Trying not to talk
about breath and false teeth...

and people with names
like Barbara Simmons.

I am,Julia.
It's got nothing to do with me.

[Whispering]
It's the you know what.

Well, it's ever so slightly
getting on my nerves.

- I thought we weren't to listen to it.
- I can't help but listen to it.

And I can't stop
the you know what saying it.

Stop saying
"the you know what."

All right, then.
The boil.

Darling,
it is not the boil.

Don't you think
I haven't noticed?

Every time you say something,
you turn away...

or get under the table
so I can't see your lips moving.

That's not the case,Julia.
I'm not turning away to speak.

It's waiting till I turn away
before it speaks.

That's nonsense!
It was you that suggested France.

I merely confirmed
what the boil said.

- Then stop siding with it!
- I'm not siding with it!

I'm trying to incorporate it into
my conversation so I won't upset you.

But I never know
what it's going to say next.

What you'll say next.
It's you saying it.

It's the boil,Julia!
Believe me, it's the boil!

I can't stand it anymore.

How do you think
I feel about it?

I'm on the coast of panic.
I'm staring over the edge!

Just tell me how a boil...

can come up with a name
like Barbara Simmons?

Say no more,Julia.
Don't say more.

Why should a boil suddenly
suggest going to France?

- I don't know.
- Why not Portugal?

I don't know.
I don't know!

Perhaps the fucker wants
to go up the Eiffel Tower!

Maybe the bastard
wants to see the sights!

Sit down!
I'm going to call Gatty.

- What for?
- To see if he's got you in!

In where?

Stay back!
You need help!

I refuse to have
that quack in here.

I refuse to be
rendered unconscious.

You have got to see a psychiatrist.

Are you there,Julia?

Are you there?

I have to be very quiet.

He's a very light sleeper.

I wish I could come out
and talk to you, darling.

But it's impossible.
You've seen.

I have to tell you,Julia,

I'm getting increasingly
concerned for my future.

I don't know how this will end.

For all I know, in a fortnight's time,
I'll be waking up with a bald head.

" How do you feel, Mr. Bagley?"
" Much better, thank you."

But the one thing I'm not,
darling, is insane.

I'm 100 percent normal.

When I came in here, it was
my intention to make a film.

I wanted to tell the world
about advertising.

It's not finished, of course.

It's difficult to concentrate
with a shanker yacking on your neck.

Incidentally,
in case it's bothering you,

the reason I'm wearing
this wine carton on my head...

is so I can talk
without disturbing it.

It can't hear, you see?

The world is in danger,Julia.
The greed is out of control.

Greed is abolishing the future.
It's turning truth inside out.

And this is its poisonous mouthpiece.

[Boil]
Ballocks!

Oh, Christ!
I think I've woken him up.

I'll have to be quick.

What I have to explain
is the mechanics of a holocaust.

[Boil]
Oh, dear, oh, dear.

I'm not talking about atom bombs,
darling. I'm talking about hamburgers.

[Boil] I had a nasty feeling
I was going to wake up to this.

If I was you, I'd turn this
off,julia. It's only gonna upset you.

You see what a nightmare I'm in.
You see why I can't talk to you.

[Boil]
Who are you talking to, then?

God, it converses.
I'm talking to it.

- I need a cigarette.
- Be silent, you mollock!

- Mollock?
- Yes, you! You mollock, you bogey!

If you insist we have to
listen to this bullshit,

I need a cigarette.

All right, I'll get you one.
But on one condition.

- That you'll keep quiet.
- Deal.

- Swear!
- My word is my bond.

Don't turn off, darling.
Sixty seconds and I'll be back.

Oh, Mrs. Wallace!
I didn't know you were here.

- I thought everyone was out.
- My husband's out in the van.

- Is he? How is he?
- He's waiting to collect me.

Is he?
Julia out shopping?

I wasn't actually. Going through
your handbag. I need a cigarette.

Here, you can have them all.

I only want one.
I don't smoke.

Got a light?

Vile.
I'm glad I've given up.

Morning, darling.
Lovely day.

Is it?
Trafficwas appalling.

You wouldn't make me
a cup of tea, would you?

- Tea, Dennis?
- No, thank you.

Don't pretend you haven't noticed my
cardboard box because I know you have.

And I know Mrs. Wallace,
God bless her, has noticed it too.

But there's a perfectly
reasonable explanation...

which I'm afraid I don't
have time to go into now.

Matter of fact, I'm very busy now.
I better get back in there.

- Thanks for the cigarette.
- I thought you'd given up.

I have. I'm not smoking it.
I'm just holding it.

- I'll be out later.
- Don't be too long.

We're leaving
in less than an hour.

Who's gonna tell me
about it, then?

You or the boil?

No, no.
I think we should start again.

There's no side to any of this.
There is me. There is a boil.

The boil happens to speak, but that
doesn't qualify it to give an opinion.

It was me that decided
to come here, not it.

You don't think the inclusion
of the boil could perhaps help us?

I'm not interested
in its opinions.

Even if it says something
that might be of relevance?

I'm not interested in it,
no matter what it says.

In my opinion,
it should be lanced instantly.

It was the only reason
I agreed to come off the roof.

If it wants to join in,
it can pay its own bill.

Come and lie down.

Please.

Tell me about advertising.

Now, you resigned from an important firm
with a highly-paid job.

I'd like to know
your reasons.

Well, at least try
and give me an example...

of even one
of those reasons.

All right. Reason one:

Advertising conspires
with Big Brother.

And you're afraid
of Big Brother?

Someone or something
coming into your life...

and telling you what to do?

No, I'm not afraid of him. I'm one
of the few who really understands him.

Oh?

The man who conceived of Big Brother
never knew what was coming.

Thought his filthy creation
was gonna be watching us.

But it is us who watch it.
There's one in every living room.

The monstrous injustice of it is,
we stare at it of our own free will.

So we could say, principally,
that it's television you blame?

We can say entirely it is the crooks
who've infiltrated it that I blame.

They've moved in on the greatest
means of communication since the wheel.

And now they've done it,
their greed is insatiable.

They're cutting down jungles
to breed hamburgers,

turning the whole world
into a car park.

They'd sell off the sea to satisfy
the needs of their great god Greed.

They won't be satisfied,
not till we're all squating...

in one of its fucking hatchbacks
on a motorway.

There isn't going to be
anywhere left to go...

except in slow revolutions toward
the crest of the next slag heap.

Do you have trouble
in getting an erection?

- What?
- Can you get an erection?

- Yes!
- Masturbating much?

Constantly! I've got
a talking boil on my neck!

What would you do?

What does this mean to you?

"Are you ashamed
of your false teeth?

" Put an end to the miseries
of dentures.

"You could smile again
with confidence.

Just ask Barbara Simmons."

The boil said it a few nights ago.
Sounds like a crude voiceover.

- Voiceover?
- A voice that sells.

If you're selling perfume,
it sounds like a lover.

If you're selling something
inedible you want people to eat,

it'll sound as stupid
as they'll have to be to buy it.

In this case, it would sound
like a dentist, someone in the know.

I see. So one could say that it's,
um, the voice of authority?

Like a parent's voice?

If you like.

Has the boil
spoken this morning?

Yes, I had a row with it, and it got
very heated when I refused to shave.

- Tell me about your parents.
- No part of the plot.

As far as I know,
they were completely normal.

- I come from a normal family.
- Tell him about your grandfather.

[Bagley]
That was the boil. Ignore it.

I don't think
we should do that.

It's the first time it's spoken in front
of me, and it might be important.

It has nothing important to say. It is
destructive, self-satisfied and abusive.

-[Boil] Inco...
- You see? Don't listen.

Come on, sir. You've had your say.
Now I'll have mine.

- Don't listen to it!
- Tell me about your grandfather.

If you tell me,
the boil might be quiet.

My grandfather was caught
molesting a wallaby in a zoo in 1919.

- A wallaby?
- May have been a kangaroo.

- You mean sex with it?
- He had his hand in its pouch.

-[Boil] Fucked it, didn't he?
- He did not fuck it!

Just lie back, boy.

- What happened to him?
- He pleaded insanity, got three months.

Does the authoritarian attitude
they took with him upset you?

- No. He died before I was born.
- Do you sympathize with him?

If I had been stuck in a trench
for years, I might do something stupid.

- Like showing affection for an animal?
- He fucked one.

- Shut up!
-Ask Barbara Simmons. He fucked her.

Oh, my God. How could the boil have
known about my grandfather?

That means
it can read my mind.

No, Mr. Bagley,
it does not.

We'll speak about that
in a moment...

when we've had a look
at this boil.

What you mean is you want
me to have a look at it. No.

What would you say if I said
you don't want to look at it...

because you're frightened
of what you might see?

I'd say you'd be
absolutely right.

Isn't that trying to pretend
it doesn't exist?

Isn't that exactly what you're accusing
everyone else of doing?

Now, we must reduce
this guilt in two ways.

First, it must be physically
reduced with surgery,

and secondly we must reduce
your punishing conscience...

by refusing
to allow it to hide.

Once we get it out into the open,
it'll be easier to fight.

I'm certain by the time
your neck's healed,

you'll be smiling at this problem
and be back at work.

Never. No matter what you reduce,
I will never go back to advertising.

Perhaps. But now...

let's have a look
at this bully on your neck.

Just look at it
in the mirror...

and tell me what you see.

Oh, God in heaven!

It's grown a moustache!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Yes. Yes?

The bastard
looks just like me!

[Psychiatrist]
What you must understand...

is that it's not the boil
that can read you,

it is you, Mr. Bagley,
that can read the boil.

You can read it
because it is you,

at least a part of you.

The boil knows
what you're thinking...

because you've projected
some of you into it.

You've given it the side
that you find intolerable.

the bullying, aggressive,
dictatorial side,

the side that sells
toothpaste and soap.

You've decided that selling these things
is a bad thing for you to do,

and you are unable to accept the guilt
for what you feel you've done.

Therefore,you've transmitted
these qualities into the boil.

Perhaps by doing this
you hope to escape your guilt,

but you've created a symbol
of foul-mouthed authority instead,

your very own Big Brother.

[Door Opening]

- Welcome back. My name's Debra.
- I heard.

Come on. Let's sit you
up straight.

Up we go.
There we are.

- They've done it?
- In the morning.

- You hungry?
- No.

I'll bring you something anyway.
There's beef burgers or fish fingers.

I can hardly move my arms.
I can hardly move anything.

I'll bet you're right.
They gave you a whopping dose.

[Boil]
You should have had the fish fingers.

Mouthwatering fillets
of young cod, matey,

in a crisp, golden batter.

Shut up. You never talk in front
of people, so don't talk in front of me.

[Boil] Suit yourself,
suit youself, suit yourself.

Just thought you might be interested
in a little light rabbit.

Fuck me, what I wouldn't do
for a cigarette.

- Who are you? What do you want?
- I am your better half.

- You're not!
- Mais oui.

[FrenchAccent] A very
expensive psychiatrist told you I was.

He did not! You're
just a dirty carbuncle.

There's no reason
to raise your voice.

There's no reason why we shouldn't pass
these last few hours together amicably.

- Quiet.
That wouldn't be fair.

I listened to you
and all that Big Brother muck.

Don't mind telling you
I was bored stiff.

I had absolutely nothing
to do under there,

except trim my moustache,
of course.

You know why I grew it?
Big Granddad.

How did you find out
about my grandfather?

Boils have ears, Dennis.
I overheard julia telling Gatty.

Nice pair of tits,julia.

I believe you was unconscious
at the time.

You bastard!
I only have one wish,

and that is that I could be awake
to see you lanced.

I'd like to see
the knife going in.

I'd like to see you suffer.

-A typically Communist statement.
- I'm not a Communist!

Yes,you are. You want
to take everyone's car away.

I do not want to take
anything from anyone.

- I want to give them a choice.
- Oh,yes. What?

- Trains.
- Trains?

Trains are no good.
They're old-fashioned.

- I hate trains. They're rotten.
- Only because they don't consume.

Only because they're already there
and don't eat up more and more.

That's why you hate them.
That's why government hates them.

That's why they're
old-fashioned and rotten.

- You commies don't have shit.
- Shut up! I'm not a Communist!

I refuse to argue
with a carbuncle.

- You are a Communist.
- Fuck off!

That's very rude of you,
Mr. Bagley.

Nobody's forcing you
to have supper.

I'm sorry.
That wasn't directed at you.

-[Boil] Lovely.
- Thought you'd change your mind.

That wasn't me.
That was the boil.

I've heard all about
your boil, Mr. Bagley.

- Now, you tuck in and enjoy it.
- It's no good.

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't eat.
I can't move my arm.

Looks like you're doing
fine to me.

Oh, my God! Nurse!

It's the boil shaking it!

It's the boil!
Aaah! Aaah!

[Screaming Continues]
Oh, my God!

[Boil Groaning]

Oh,Jesus! Oh, my God!

Somebody!
He's got my arm!

[Muttering]

You think I'd let a little pipsqueak
like you undermine society,

ruin everything we've got?

You need dealing with!
You're the enemy within!

Nurse! Nurse!
Nurse! Nurse!

[Boil]
Do you think I could have a pillow?

Yes, of course.

- Thank you. May I call you Debbie?
- Mm-hmm.

[Bagley]
You're talking to the wrong head!

[Boil]
Sorry, dear. I get these nasty spasms.

[Bagley]
Help! Help! Help!

Shut up!
I've had enough of you!

[Panting]

[Gasping]

[Gasping Continues]

[Bagley]
Help! Help! Help! Help!

Put some pressure
on his arm.

No! No!
It's the boil

Don't you worry, old man.
You have a little sleep.

It will all be over
in the morning.

Help! Help!

No! Don't!

Don't lance the wrong...

[Pipe Organ]

John. Bagley.
I want to see you.

No, no. Just a couple of fuses blew.
Stitches coming out in a week.

Listen, we've got to talk
about this pimple cream.

Yeah, I know he has.
Forget the problems.

I'll take care of the problems.
They're gonna love waiting for it.

It's a massacre.

But I've gotta warn you,
at first it might sound ridiculous.

It's radical
and not without its risks,

but I'm certain
I can pull it off.

And what it is
is Lawrence of Arabia...

in a little town called Aqaba.

The last thing they expected
was for Lawrence...

to come roaring across
the desert and attack them from behind.

It seemed impossible.
And because it was impossible,

all their defenses
faced the wrong way.

And that's how I want to sell
this pimple cream.

I want to come in from behind
where they least expect me,

just like Lawrence of Arabia.

[Phone Ringing]

Now, as I see it...

we've gotta forget this
for at least three months.

I estimate that as
the very minimum we need...

to create the ravenous
market I'm after.

- And how are you gonna do that?
- By glamorizing boils.

- Glamorize them?
- That's right. Make them fashionable.

I want to encourage every kid
to take pride in his breakouts.

I want to sell them the idea
that boils are beautiful.

If I can do that, I can treble
the market at a minimum.

If you want to sell 'em bombs,
you've got to sell 'em fear.

If you want to sell this pimple
cream,you've got to encourage pimples.

- How?
-[Hard Rock]

People try
and put us down

Talkin'about my generation

Just because
we get around

Talkin'about my generation

Things they do
look awful cold

Talkin'about my generation

I hope I die
before I get old

Talkin'about my generation

This is my generation
This is my generation, baby

Why don't you all
just fade away

Talkin'about my generation

Don't try to dig
what we all say

Talkin'about my generation

I'm not trying to cause
a big sensation

Talkin'about my generation

I'm just talkin'
about my generation

Talkin'about my generation

This is my generation
This is my generation

This is my generation
This is my generation, baby

- Cut! Cut!
- One more, boys. Get it right.

Gotta go, Bagley.

- Richard, you free Saturday?
- Yeah.

Julia's putting a party together.
It's our anniversary.

If you like,
we'd love you along.

- How'd it go?
- Terrific.

- It's gonna be terrific.
- The stitches.

Terrific.
Didn't feel a thing.

Coming up to bed, darling?

Mmm, in a minute.
Just watching this.

- It's fascinating.
- What is it?

[julia]
A thriller.

[Bagley] Don't be too long,
because I'm practically dead.

I didn't know
you'd invited Penny.

Of course I invited Penny. You better
be nice to her, 'cause she's my friend.

Poor Penny.
I'm surprised she'd come.

I suppose she does it
out of some sort of social duty,

like organizing Dutch cuffs
for the Hindus.

It's nearly 8:00.
Hurry up.

Just this little piece
of neck here I need to kiss.

You're looking
very summery, Penny.

Thank you.
It's a Meilleur made in India.

Happy Anniversary, darling.

Are you having
an affair,Julia?

- No.
- Then what's up?

Oh, I don't know.
I'm just so wound up about Dennis,

terrified his thing
will start talking again.

- Well, it hasn't, has it?
- Not exactly.

But I had this terrible dream,
and I can't get it out of my head.

Mrs. Bagley,
the musicians are here.

Tell them to come in,
do whatever they like.

We can't talk here.
Come and have a drink.

It said Dennis wasn't my husband.
It said it was.

It said it with this horrible
sort of mouth.

It said Dennis is an incarnation
of evil with a briefcase.

It kept going on
about a briefcase.

Then it said, "Zero, zero, zero"
again and again and again.

And what's
"Zero, zero, zero"?

It's horrendous.
I don't know.

- And that's it?
- No.

Then it told me to get an electric
carving knife and cut his head off.

It's not funny, Penny. It's the most
terrifying experience of my life.

- It could have been real.
- Have you told Dennis?

The last thing I want to do
is excite him.

I tell you, Penny, I'm still
waiting to scream about it.

- Come along.
- Along where?

- We're gonna look in the case.
- Dennis doesn't have a briefcase.

- He puts everything in an old bag.
- Then with all due respect,

I hardly see that I should be
the one accused of being silly.

It's you that's had
a silly dream.

And under the circumstances,
I'm surprise you sleep at all.

l, personally, would be up
all night with a revolver.

It's not just the dream, Penny.

Ever since Dennis
came out of hospital,

he's been peculiar...
sexually.

He's obsessed
with blackheads and fucking.

- And not in that order.
- You always adored fucking.

Not when I'm cleaning my teeth!
Not when I'm doing anything!

The truth is, Penny,
I can't bear him touching me.

I don't know why, but I can't.
I'm running out of headaches.

He's absolutely sex mad.

Yesterday evening, he said he
wished I had nipples on my ass.

Don't!

That's just the least of it.
Lord, they're arriving.

I'll tell you about this later.

You speak a word of this to anyone,
I'll absolutely kill you.

- Hello.
- Hello, darling.

Dying for a pee.
This is Monica.

- Hello, Monica. Come and have a drink.
- Thank you.

- Penny Wheelstock.
- Hello.

- This is the most lovely room.
-[julia] Thank you.

And, uh, how long
have you been married?

- Seven years.
- Congratulations.

- Snap.
- Sorry?

You're wearing Givenchy. It's my
favorite. They've stopped making it.

Have they?
I bought it in Marbella.

Did you? You're lucky.
It's extinct.

Richard, can I get something over with?
And we can all forget about it.

I didn't really want to have this party.
I thought it might be rushing it.

Dennis' psychiatrist thinks it's a good
idea to get him back into the swim.

- I've never seen him in such good form.
- Absolutely. He's fine.

But the just had his stitches out,
so we're a bit apprehensive.

So if anything happens,
which I'm certain it won't,

the idea is
we all go along with him.

- We humor him, discreetly.
- Not exactly, Penny.

We just behave normally.
I don't want him excited.

- I certainly don't want any arguments.
- What's the matter with him?

He was overworked and nearly had
a breakdown, but he's much better now.

You're alive.

Can you speak?

You don't look at all well,
you know?

Not being a medical man,
I wouldn't take my word for it,

but I'd say
you have the mark.

You look like
a doomed ballock.

I want to speak to my wife.

Oh, you can talk, can you?

Let me speak to julia, and
I swear I'll never speak again.

Speak to her of what, boil?

I want her to see my film.
Please?

Oh, so that's what's
worrying you, is it?

Well, let me
put your mind at rest.

Firstly, on a purely
idealogical basis,

it's out of the question.

And second, I burnt it.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, yes.

And prepare yourself for another
fluctuation of blood pressure...

'cause it's not
the only thing I've burnt.

I've also burnt
Julia's diaphragm.

- Oh, no!
- Oh, yes.

It's time Julia had a baby.

- Oh, God!
- Hopefully a baby boil.

You are a criminal ogre.

It's all quite normal, boil.

Now, I intend to commence
vigorous intercourse...

at about 1:00 a.m.

I don't want to go too far
into the details,

but if I was you,
I'd have an early night.

Cut your throat, monster.

In the name of humanity,
cut your filthy throat.

Don't start getting emotional.

I'll do everything I can
to harm you!

You can't harm me, you miserable
little bit of garbage.

You'll be dead
in a couple of days

so why don't you try and do it
with some dignity?

Dignity? You're corrupt.
Julia! Julia!

Fifty percent of politics
is about creating a problem.

The other 50 percent
is about offering to solve it.

All you've got to do
is bugger something up...

then hasten to your nearest
TV station with a solution.

Doesn't matter what it is...
the environment, hospitals...

Create a crime wave, up will pop some
perfectly plausible head-selling police.

- The rock through the window technique.
- That's exactly what it is.

It might work on everyone else.
It doesn't work on me.

If you breathe air,
it works on you. Large one, no ice.

If you're aware, how can you work
in an industry that perpetuates it?

It's probably a defect from birth.
Rescue me. I'm being attacked.

Who's attacking you?

She's telling me off because I think
your husband's a genius.

It's outrageous that Dennis should be
allowed to manipulate children's minds.

Come along. I want
to ask you both a question.

Is that him?

- He's very good-looking.
- If you like that sort of thing.

-julia seems terribly tense.
-Surprised? It's him.

He had an operation.
Went weird in the bed department.

- What do you mean?
- Sex. Hello, Basil.

- Hello, Penny. Lovely party.
- Super.

- Apparently, he's insatiable.
- Really?

Dick, dick, dick,
dick, dick.

Shouldn't really be telling you. It was
said in the strictest of confidence,

and that's exactly
how I'm telling you.

She said he's got
a permanent horn.

- Really?
- Said she's desperate.

The other night, she caught him down
the bed with a huge black torch.

- Torch? Doing what?
- Flashlight.

Scrutinizing.
He was under the covers.

Said he'd lost something. Contact lens.
Said he didn't want to wake her up.

And unlucky for her that he did,
'cause she got another hour's worth.

I'm not gonna make a speech. I'd just
like to thank you all for coming...

and for making
our anniversary so special.

And most of all, I'd like
to thank Julia for organizing it all...

and for being
such a special wife.

How about a toast
to Bagley and Julia?

- Bagley and Julia.
- Bagley and Julia.

I'd also like to propose
a small snifter to our new star.

- I thought she was coming.
- She's been held up to Phyllis Blokey.

- Phyllis.
- Phyllis Blokey.

She's the singer
with the boils.

To boils, acne
and blackheads.

What's this cream
going to be called, anyway?

Right now we're stuck with
" Filthy Harry's Final Solution."

- Who's Filthy Harry?
- Harry Wax. Created it.

- Only man here in a hired suit.
- He's as close as a Doberman's balls.

Don't want to say anything bad
about Harry.

- Then don't.
- [Penny] This is excellent.

Yes, I was about to say,
I notice Penny's gone carnivorous.

- She lacked protein.
- And minerals.

I wasn't getting all I needed
out of normal green stuff.

I don't think anyone would ever
encourage me to grow boils.

You're not the market
I'm after, darling.

But if you were, I would.

I could sell you anthing
from a boil to a hydrogen bomb.

I don't think so.
I'm anti-nuke.

- Hear, hear.
- How's the new book coming along?

[Bagley] Shall I tell you
why people buy hydrogen bombs?

Because they're not like
the bombs people used to use in wars.

We put an added ingredient
into bombs these days.

It's called peace.

Our warheads are stuffed
to the brim with it.

And we're years ahead
of the competition, of course.

-The Russians don't put peace in theirs.
-Very good, Bagley.

Can anyone think of a discreet
way of changing the subject?

I'm sorry,Julia. I'm afraid
Dennis is absolutely right.

There's a splendid example of what
he's talking about outside our building.

- Ever look at it?
- Can't say as I have.

There's an obelisk there to
the glory of the Royal Marines,

its plaque depicting...

a Marine shoving his bayonet
into a Chinaman's guts.

He's so shocked, his pigtail's
sticking up like an exclamation mark.

And underneath it says,
"Shanghai Campaign, 1898."

Imagine seeing that in Peking.
A plaque of a Chinaman...

pumping his bayonet into an Englishman
halfway up Regent Street,

a bowler hat,
levitating in shock,

and underneath,
"West London Campaign, 1898."

[Boil] Why don't you shut your trap,
you cynical old anus?

A joke. Just a joke.

I do think the bandages might be
a bit on the tight side, Bagley.

No. Perfect. Thank you.

[Boil]
Julia! julia!

- Are you all right, darling?
- Marvelous.

Would you excuse me
for a moment?

[Whispering]
I tell you, he's absolutely bonkers.

[Boil]
Have a look,you filthy criminal!

Shut up, you little moron!
I'd like to wring your neck!

Do that. Do it.
Put me out of my misery.

Oh, no, not yet,
you unwholesome pustule.

I want you to live
just a bit longer.

I want you around tonight
when the shagging begins.

[Gagging]

Tasty bit of glue, is it?
Here, have another suck.

Let's hear you squawk now.

[Gagging Continues]

So I chaffed them
and I gaily laughed

To think they would
doubt my love

Yet today
my love has flown away

-I am without my love
-[Man Laughing]

[Continues]

Come on,Julia.
Come and dance.

Not now, darling.

Come on. I insist.

Go on.
It's his anniversary.

Well, so I smile and say

When a lovely flame dies

Smoke gets in your

Eyes

[Boil Groaning]

- Have you got a cold?
- Not my drug.

I know that smell.
Givenchy.

You don't have to hold me
quite so tightly, Dennis.

Sorry. Afraid the clinch
is the only dance I know.

[Boil]
Oh,julia. julia, darling.

No. Monica.

I know.

[Boil]
Julia, please don't scream or pull away.

We might never
get this chance again.

It's difficult for me to talk,
because my sinuses are full of glue.

You're not wearing a bra.

Not really.
[Laughs]

[Boil Groans]

I love you.
I love you desperately.

This isn't a dream.
It's reality.

Don't speak. just listen.
I'm desperate.

You're gonna need a condom,
and quick!

The fucking's going to start
in about an hour.

And believe me,you're going
to have a monster on top of you.

[Screams]
Stay away from me! Keep away!

Has the bastard been whispering to you?
Bastard! Bastard!

- It's all right.
- Bastard!

[Scoffs]

Everything's under control.
Please stay and enjoy the party.

- Sorry.
- Monica?

I'm sorry, dear,
but your husband's completely bananas!

Going along with someone is not the same
as listening to a tirade of obscenity!

- What did he say?
- I can't tell you.

- I'm sorry,Julia.
- Bye, love.

- Lovely party.
- Thank you.

- Richard, your case.
- Oh, no, it's not mine.

It belongs to Bagley.
He left it at the studio.

[julia Whispering]
Boil?

Boil!

[Whimpering]

Boil.

Boil!

Can you hear me, boil?

Where has he hidden
the briefcase?

[Bagley On Tape]
The world is in danger,Julia.

Greed is out of control.

Greed is abolishing
the future.

It's turning truth
inside-out and upside-down.

And this is its
poisonous mouthpiece.

Oh, Christ, I think I've woken him up.
I'll have to be quick.

What I have to explain
is the mechanics of a holocaust.

And I'm not talking
about atom bombs, darling.

- I'm talking about hamburgers.
- [Gasps]

I had a nasty feeling I was
gonna have to wake up to this.

If I was you,Julia,
I'd turn this off.

- It's only gonna upset you.
- You see what a nightmare I'm in.

You see why I can't
talk to you.

- Who are you talking to, then?
- God, it converses!

- I'm talking to it.
- I need a cigarette.

- Be silent,you mollock.
- Mollock?

- Yes, you mollock, you bogey!
- I need a cigarette.

All right, I'll get you one,
but on one condition.

That you keep quiet
while you're smoking it.

Don't turn off, darling.
Sixty seconds, and I'll be back.

Penny said
you had a bad dream.

Did she?
Well, she shouldn't have.

She said the boil
had spoken to you.

It didn't.
Believe me, it didn't.

-It told me where you'd hidden the case.
-It didn't.

I told you where
I'd put the briefcase.

I didn't dare wake up and
ask why you decided to vacuum clean me.

I told you where
I put the case...

because I'm all too aware of the tension
you've been trying to conceal.

And painful
though it is for me,

I thought by letting you
discover the film for yourself,

it would have some sort
of therapeutic effect.

There'd be no more secrets,
nothing left to hide.

I realize, of course,
that was foolish.

If the boil didn't speak to me,
how did I know the combination?

Because it's written
up in the kitchen.

It's been on the bulletin
board for weeks.

You must have seen it
200 times.

I never noticed
noticing it.

It's on a red and white receipt.
I'll go and get it, if you like.

I realize I've been
very selfish.

So busy thinking
of the stress I was under,

I'd completely forgotten
what a terrible time it's been for you.

I really don't want you
to watch this, darling.

I intended to burn it.
It's only going to upset you.

I'm already upset.

Please be quiet.

Are you there?
I pray you're there.

I've just seen you in the kitchen.
I know you think I'm crazy,

but in a minute
I'll show you my film...

and you can judge
my madness for yourself.

Everything's assembled
for my old ads.

All I've done is re-edit them,
re-voice them and put in the truth.

No truth ever gets
out of here.

They've got this bastard
by the balls.

Greed has installed its lackeys
into the highest offices in this land,

and they're conducting a crime
wave of unprecedented ferocity.

Anywere you want to look,
they're at it.

Oil companies sold
as champions of the environment.

Wild animals prancing
through the woodlands.

Meanwhile, the filth from their cars is
wiping out half the forests of Europe.

- I can't listen to any more of this.
- You swore you'd be quiet!

Yeah, but I'd forgotten
what a nightmare you are.

I want to be heard.
I want to be heard!

- I want a drink.
- Then get it yourself.

Jesus, I've forgotten
what I was going to say.

I believe you were
about to explain...

why hamburgers are going to be
the cause of World War III.

That's right,
you cynical bastard.

- We're all ears.
- How can you argue with a television?

Because this poor, sick creature
with a box on his head was me.

I know exactly
what I'm going to say.

[Speaking In Unison] Destruction
of the rain forests by hamburgers...

is going to lead to a world crisis,
and the commodity will be oxygen.

- What mad ballocks.
- It is not mad ballocks.

They're turning rain forests
into deserts.

Within 25 years, the Brazilians
will be fixing oxygen prices...

in exactly the same way as
the Arabs fix the price for oil.

- No more!
- You want the air, you pay for it.

- No more!
- Leave it! I want to watch the film!

I don't know
how you can say that.

You know what this does to me,
reliving this nightmare?

Look at him. He's got a cigarette stuck
in his bandages. The man's mad.

Why do you keep calling him him?
It's you!

All right, me.
'Twas me. But I was ill.

You were the one that said so.
You can't have it both ways.

You said I needed help,
and I got help.

And now I'm better, which is why I can't
bear to watch this dreadful insanity.

Insanity?
You still want to sell them boils!

Nothing crazy about that.
It's a free market.

People will either buy
or they won't buy.

Nobody's forcing them.
Everyone knows what they're getting.

- Perhaps they don't.
- Of course they do.

People might be a bit greedy
from time to time,

but we're not blind;
we've got our eyes open.

- We have a choice.
- Perhaps.

Stop saying perhaps!
What's perhaps got to do with it?

Perhaps they don't.

Perhaps if they'd hanged
Jesus Christ,

we'd all be kneeling
in front of a fucking gibbet!

That isn't the real world.

In the real world,
I have a choice.

Do I want it, or don't I?

In this case,
I most certainly do not.

[julia's Voice]
I thought leaving you
was going to be so difficult,

but the impossible becomes easy
when you have no choice.

I want something better now
that can't be bought.

I want a better world
than yours is, Dennis.

I'm not gonna try
and explain it,

because I know you couldn't
possibly understand.

Good-bye. julia.

God, how can you be
so naive?

Everything you've ever
looked at was yours.

What more could you
possibly want?

-[Boil] The truth.
- Shut up, you dozey scab!

I thought you were dead.

[Boil]
Not for nothing, 'cause she's free.

You lose. You lose.

Oh, no I don't.

You're talking
to Dennis Dimbleby Bagley.

And let me tell you
something, boil.

She's got nowhere to go.

We're living in a shop.

The world is one magnificent
fucking shop,

and if it hasn't got a price tag,
it isn't worth having.

There is no greater freedom
than the freedom of choice,

and that's the difference
between you and me, boil.

I was brought up to believe
in that, and so should you.

You don't want freedom, do you?
You don't even want roads.

God, I never want to go on
another train as long as I live.

Roads represent
a fundamental right of man...

to have access
to the good things in life.

Without roads, family favorites
would become elitist delicacies.

A pot of soup
would be for the few.

There'd be no more tea bags,
no instant potatoes,

no long-life cream.

There'd be no aerosols.
Detergents would vanish.

So would tinned spaghetti
and baked beans with six frankfurters.

The right to smoke one's
chosen brand would be denied.

Chewing gum would probably disappear.
So would pork pies.

Foot deodorizers would climax
without hope of replacement.

When the hydrolyzed protein in
monosodium glutamate reserves ran out,

food would rot in its packets.

Jesus Christ,
there wouldn't be any more packets.

Packaging would vanish
from the face of the earth.

But worst of all,
there'd be no more cars.

And more than anything,
people love their cars.

They have a right to them.
If they have to sweat all day...

in some stinking factory making
disposable lighters or Christmas trees,

by Christ,
they're entitled to them.

They're entitled to any
innovation technology brings.

Whether it's 10%more of it or
15%off of it, they're entitled to it.

They're entitled to one of four
important new ingredients.

Why should anyone have to clean their
teeth without important ingredients?

Why the hell shouldn't they
have their C.Z.T.?

How dare some snotty carbuncle
presume to deny them it?

They love their C.Z.T.!

They want it! They need it!
They positively adore it!

By Christ, while I've got air
in my body, they're going to get it!

They're gonna get it bigger
and brighter and better!

I'll put C.Z.T. in their
margarine if necessary,

shove vitamins
in their toilet rolls.

If happiness means the world standing
on a double layer of foot deodorizers,

l, Bagley, will see
that they get them!

I'll give them anything
and everything they want!

By God, I will!

I shall not cease...

tillJerusalem
is builded here...

on England's green
and pleasant land!

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