All language subtitles for Columbo - 10x05 - No Time to Die.DVDRip.English.HI.updated.Addic7ed.com

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Alex, darling,
Andy and I are not
the only people here.

This is our moment.

You bet. It's a once
in a lifetime moment.

And these moments are
gonna sell like hotcakes.

Good for you,
my dear Melissa,
and very good for me.

Yeah, Alex,
why don't you
spread yourself around?

I'd like to get some
photos of my buddies
for the scrapbook.

For the police archives?

Okay, Andy,
I'll leave you in
peace for a minute.

Where's your best man?
Uh, Dennis.

Probably with the second
most beautiful girl
in the place.

You know, Mrs. Hays,

watching Andy and
your daughter dance

gets me to thinking about
my own wedding reception.

It was in an
Italian restaurant.

And we waltzed to the music
of Vinnie Scavelli and
his Paisanos.

I held Mrs. Columbo
in my arms

and she was as
light as a moonbeam.

Oh, how nice.

Did I meet her?

Uh, no, ma'am,
she's not here.

She had to go to Chicago
to look after her mother.

She fell and
broke her hip.

Your wife?

No, ma'am, her mother.

(GASPS) Oh, poor thing.

She was having fun
at the time, ma'am,

learning how
to skateboard.

Oh, how nice!

Excuse me, Lieutenant.
Mrs. Hays.

Cindy, I'd like you to
meet Lieutenant Columbo,
the groom's uncle.

ALEX: Look this way.

Very nice. Hey, Cindy.
How are you feeling,
Mrs. Hays?

Oh, not too bad, thank you.
Now, everybody, do sit down.

Alex, this is
Lieutenant Columbo,

Andy's uncle.

How do you do?
And this is Alex.

He's the one who
discovered Melissa.

He made her famous.

I had that pleasure.
Last summer.

I was shooting
a fashion layout in Malibu.

Melissa had just
come down from Seattle.

She was
on the beach with friends.
I thought she was stunning.

I wound up taking
more shots of her than
the professional models.

When I showed the stuff to
the head of the agency,
that was it.

She took off
like a rocket.

I never saw it
happen so quickly.

Mrs. Hays, I was just
telling your husband what
a great reception this is.

Well, most of it
was Melissa's planning.

And, of course,
Sheldon paid the bills.

Sure did!

A few more dollars, we could
have built another shopping
mall in Seattle.

(CHUCKLES)

ALEX: Come on, Cindy,
let's snap a few.

Who knows, you may be
my next great discovery.

Louise, my darling,
it's way past your bedtime.

Remember what
the doctor said.

That medication is
a nuisance.

Yes, dear. Come on.

We're just
going upstairs.

Are you all right,
Mother?

Oh, I'm fine, darling.

Just a little tired.

We'll talk in the
morning, won't we?

We'll pop in
before we leave.

Louise, sleep well.

Everything's been
so lovely.

I'm very proud of you both.

Good night, my darlings.
Good night.

(SIGHS)

You haven't danced
all evening.

It's been more fun
watching you.

You're not going to
get away with that.

Come on.
(ALL LAUGHING)

Come on, let's go.

Oh, Andy, you're
a lucky son of a gun.

Don't I know it.
She's quite a gal.

I just had a thought.

Where I come from,

it's customary for
the buddies of the groom

to kidnap
the bride on
her wedding night.

Sergeant, what do you think?

Is that so?

Yeah, it's a hoot.

Andy, you better
keep an eye on her.

Well, don't you try anything,
unless you want a broken neck.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

I'm gonna go talk to
a couple of the other guys.

Plus, I gotta keep 'em
away from my girl.

You don't think that joker
would get up to anything,
do you?

He was just kidding.

But I'll keep
an eye on him, anyway.
Do that.

Get a load
of Fred Astaire.

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Hey, where did you learn
this stuff?

Mrs. Columbo taught me.

She loves to dance.

It's about the only
exercise I get.

She wears me out.

Well, go, baby, go!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

I faithfully promised the
newlyweds they'd be out
of here by 11:00.

They're leaving
first thing in the
morning for a place

where even the tabloids
won't discover 'em for
a couple of weeks.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Melissa, my dear,

your mother's
upstairs resting,

but we both want you to
know that we are full of

joy and pride for
our beautiful daughter,

and for this fine young man,
Andy, whom we welcome into
the family.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Continued happiness
to you both.

May you prosper and multiply.

That last
is a request
for a grandchild.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I think we should have
a word from the
groom's uncle.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Lieutenant Columbo.

(ALL CHEERING)

Andy, if my sister, Mary,

and your father, Dan,
were still with us,

I know that
they would be
just as delighted

with Melissa
as I am. She's...

Well, she's just special.

And come to think of it,
she's not a bad dancer,
either.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Now, Mr. Hays,
you and Mrs. Hays
aren't losing a daughter,

you're gaining
a police force.

(HOOTING)

Andy, Melissa,

health and happiness
to you always.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Thank you.

We love you all.

ALL: (SINGING)
For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

Nobody can deny

Nobody can deny

That nobody can deny

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

Nobody can deny

No, nobody can deny
Nobody can deny

No, nobody can deny
Deny

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

No, nobody can deny
Nobody can deny

Nobody can deny

Nobody can deny

For he's a jolly good fellow

Hold it!

Great. Andy, do me a favor.

One picture I don't have,
for old time's sake.

Me and Melissa.

Be my pleasure. Is it...

It's all ready.

Thank you.
For everything.

You're welcome.

And one for me.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

ALL: Bye!

Gosh, you're beautiful.

Why does this
feel so strange?

I know, it does,
doesn't it?

Mrs. Parma.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

We're like
a couple of moonstruck kids.
Yeah.

Go take a shower.
Oh!

Let me get out of this.

Oh. Yes.

Please.

Right away, ma'am.

ANDY: (SINGING)
For I'm a jolly good fellow

For I'm a jolly good fellow

For I'm a jolly good fellow

That nobody can deny

No, nobody can deny

No, nobody can deny

That I'm a jolly good fellow

That I'm a jolly good fellow

That I'm a jolly good fellow

That nobody can deny

Nobody can deny

That nobody can deny

No, nobody can deny

That I'm a jolly good fellow,
oh, yes, I am

Jolly good fellow

I'm a jolly good fellow

No, nobody can deny

(HUMMING)

(SCATTING)

(CHUCKLES)

(EXHALES)

I'm all yours, Mrs. Parma.

Melissa?

Lis?

Mulrooney, that joker.
I'll kill him.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGING)

Bar here.

ANDY: Is there a Detective
Dennis Mulrooney there?

Anyone by the name
of Dennis Mulrooney?

Yeah, that's me. Excuse me.

Yeah?
Dennis.

Hey, Andy.
Where's Melissa?

You took her, didn't you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
take it easy, buddy.

Not guilty.
I was just joshing
about the kidnapping.

I got
more important
business on my mind.

Yeah, well,
she's not here.
Where is she?

Well, maybe
she forgot something,
came down to pick it up,

got into a conversation
with somebody.

There's still a lot
of people down there.

It's a nice party.
You want me to
look around?

No, I'm coming down.
You're coming down?

I'll be right there.
Okay.

(SIGHS)

Melissa...

COLUMBO: I nearly escaped,
but Melissa's dad, Mr. Hays,

nailed me for some advice
on where to open one of
his malls down here.

What do I know?

He was asking
for good low crime areas.
That's a tough one to answer.

He's quite a guy.
Great talker.

I couldn't
get away from him.

He was moving in on
Sergeant Goodman as
I was leaving.

Glad you had me paged.

I was kind of surprised
that you'd want to see me

tonight.

What's the matter?

Smell this.

It's chloroform.

Melissa's gone.
Somebody took her.

Somebody what?

Kidnapped her!

Andy, what are you saying?

It happened when
I was in the shower.

When I came out,
she was gone.

And this was here?

Yes.

What was she wearing?

ANDY: Everything's here.

She must have been
in her underwear.

When did it happen?

Look, I told you,
I was in the shower.

How long?

Uh, not long.

No valuables taken.

Only the most valuable
thing in the world.

What's this doing here?

That I found
on the floor.

The other is missing.

Where was it?

Uh, right there.

Where was the wad
with the chloroform?

That was by the drapes.

What time did you
go in the bathroom?

Let's see, we got
up here about 11:15,

then we talked
for a bit, not much.

(SIGHS) Then she told
me to go take a shower.

Told you?
We were just joking.

We just both felt foolish
for some reason.

Someone listening
outside the door might
have heard her say that.

Say what?
"Take a shower."

If he heard it,
he'd know you
were in there.

No, it's not forced.

Prints from the handles
won't be much use.

You've used 'em
a couple of times
since then.

(SCORNFULLY) I'm real
sorry about that, Officer.

Okay, Andy, okay.

He wouldn't carry
an unconscious woman

out this way
through the hotel.

He might have sneaked her
into one of these rooms
nearby, or...

He'd be much more
likely to carry

an unconscious woman
down the fire stairs.

An unconscious woman?

Hold this.
We don't want it
self-Iocking on us.

Unconscious woman?

That's Melissa
you're talking about.

My wife.

You're my uncle,
for Pete's sake.
She's related.

He could have taken
Melissa out this way.

That's what
I'm checking on.

How long were you
in the shower?

Ten minutes or so.

Did you hear anything?

I was in the shower,
enjoying myself, singing.

What could I hear?

Okay, Andy.

So you got out
around 11:30, 11:35?

ANDY: Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, chances are he came
this way.

Let's get back to the room.

COLUMBO: It seems like
Melissa's dad has
plenty of money,

so whoever did this
could have done it
for ransom.

On the other hand,
you being a cop,
it could involve you.

(SIREN WAILING)

It could have
been revenge.

Revenge?

You put some guys behind bars.
Used a gun on a couple of 'em.

Somebody might
want to get even.

You got a cigarette?

I thought
you gave 'em up.

I did. You got one?

Got these.

Thanks.

Hell of a wedding.

Get on the phone and
call Sergeant Goodman.

Tell him I'd like him
in on this. And Mulrooney.

Goodman's big
on kidnapping.

Have him call the lab,
get somebody over here
to dust for prints.

Ask him to lay on
a phone tap.

I'll clear it
with the hotel.

You guys go over
everything you know.

I'm gonna take a look
outside that fire escape.

Hey, Andy.
Yeah?

Hang in there.
We'll find her.

(PHONE RINGING)

WOMAN: Front desk.

Please put me through to
Mr. Dennis Mulrooney
at the bar.

(MOTORCYCLE RUMBLING)

(CAT MEOWING)

BILL: Who the devil is it?

Lieutenant Columbo, LAPD.

You're a cop.
Where's your uniform?

I'm a plainclothes
detective.

You got any ID?

I'd sure like to talk with
you for a few minutes,
if you don't mind.

I'm Bill Bailey.
Come on in.

Is this the kitchen
of a restaurant?

They like to
call it that.

That's smoke grease
on the window.

Disgraceful, ain't it?

What do you do
here, Mr. Bailey?

I'm the cleaning man.

Some of that dirt?
Never come off.

But it'll be a darned sight
better when I get through
with it.

What time did you start
work tonight, Mr. Bailey?

Call me Bill,
like in the song.

People are always asking me,

"Why don't you go
home, Bill Bailey?"

They all
say it like nobody
ever thought of it before.

What time did
you start, Bill?

10:00.
But these people
don't even notice me.

Don't give me
the time of day.

They seem to think
I've never been here.

Where do you live, Bill?

West LA, off Pico.
134 Neptune Street.

Did you happen to see
anybody out in the yard

sometime after 11:00?

You mean people?
I never seen anybody.

But you did
see something.

Yeah. A van. A white van.

The driver had backed it
all the way into the alley.

That's what made me notice it.

Most of
the delivery men
pull in head first,

then they back out when
they're through unloading.

What kind of deliveries do
they make after 11:00 on
a Sunday?

Nothing that I know of.

You got some kind of
interest in that van?

Was it stolen?

No, just a routine
investigation, Bill.

Did you see the driver?

I told you,
I didn't see nobody.

Heard the van backing in.

By the time I looked
out the window,

the driver had
gotten out and
walked away.

You looked out that window?

Yeah.

I'm used to
looking through it

when I hear something
real interesting outside.

Sometimes the
hotel bellhops

sneak the
chambermaids
out in the back

when they think
nobody can see 'em.

I can barely see
the hotel from here.

But you say
the van was white?

Yeah. What part of it
I could see.

What part was that?

The back end,
where the doors are.

Was there any
writing on it?

Nothing as I could see.
It was white.

But I can tell you
what time it left.
Exactly 11:30.

How would you know exactly?

I was taking off my watch

so I could scour
the pots and pans,

and I heard the van
doors open and shut,

like something was
being loaded in the back.

Did you look out
the window again?

No, sir, I didn't.

(SHOWER RUNNING)

ANDY: (SINGING)
For I'm a jolly good fellow

That nobody can deny

No, nobody can deny

Nobody can deny

(DOOR CLOSING)

I'm a jolly good fellow

That nobody can deny

Nobody can deny

Nobody can deny
Oh, nobody can deny

No, no one will deny it
'Cause I'm a jolly good...

(WHISPERS) Quiet!

(MUFFLED SINGING)

(GRUNTING)

COLUMBO: How long will
it take to lay in that
phone tap, fellas?

Fifteen,
twenty minutes.

Can someone call in
while you're working on it?

You bet.
Any call comes
through, we'll hear it.

If it does, let
Detective Parma
take it.

MAN: You got it, Lieutenant.

It's usually soon,
you say, Robert?

That's the pattern.

Kidnappers, they like
to gloat a while.
Not too long.

The adrenaline's pumping,
they want the money fast.

They want to get to you
while you're still in shock.

But you'd be surprised
how many kidnappings
for ransom

we never even hear about.

People pay up,

and if the kidnapped
party's safely returned,

that's the end of it.

Yeah, sure. I give
them my cop's salary,

they hand over
Melissa right away?

Great ransom.

Top models make all
kinds of money, right?

Yeah, but Melissa's only
been in the business
18 months

and most of what
we saved went into
the house we bought.

Her dad's got
plenty, right?

He told me
he owns eight
shopping malls.

Yeah, and about half the
other real estate in Seattle.

There was an article
on him in the LA Times.

When are we gonna
tell him what happened?

Well, there's no point
in opening that can
of peas just yet,

and his wife's not too well.
Leave 'em in peace until
there's no choice.

If it's ransom,
we'll hear soon enough.

If it's something else,
let's work on it.

Any notes?
Threatening letters?

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

JOE: Fingerprints!

Oh!

Hi, Joe. Glad it's you.
We're kind of in a real
hurry here.

All I need is the door.

Forget the handles,
we all touched
them plenty.

Hit the door surface
and the door frame.

Somebody carried
somebody out this way,

they might have put
out a hand for support.

Now, when you're done here,
do the same thing to the
fire escape

down the corridor
to the left.

Door, walls,
the works. Okay?

JOE: You got it, Lieutenant.

And, Joe, ask
the boys at the lab to put
a rush on it for me, will you?

No problem.

There's no sense
letting this
stuff go to waste.

Anybody?
I'll get it.

Andy, you want some?
Thanks.

Revenge.

You guys
come up with anything
on that while I was gone?

Andy blew a guy away
a few years ago.

Tell the Lieutenant, Andy.

Well, about three years ago,
and this is long before
I met Melissa,

I was dating this girl.
Sharee was her name.

One night, we were in
a club in North Hollywood

and some drunk came
busting up to the table

and asked Sharee how
it felt to be dating
a cop

while her husband was
doing time.

Who was the guy, the drunk?

Albert Wagner.

Yeah, but I found that
out later.

Right then I let the
club bouncer take
care of him.

But driving home,
Sharee told me it was
her ex-husband, Billy,

the drunk's brother,
who was serving the last
couple weeks of his sentence.

He sure got out on time.

One late night,
the two of them jumped me,
right outside my apartment.

Cracked a rib,
busted my head before
I could get my gun out.

Billy tried
to take it from me
and I had to shoot him.

Died right there
in his brother's arms.

What happened to him?
The brother, Albert.

He swore he'd
get back at me if it was
the last thing he ever did.

The judge gave
him three years

for Assault Two,
Class D felony.

Andy you say this
was three years ago?
ANDY: About.

All through here,
Lieutenant. I'll go
hit the fire escape.

Thanks, Joe.

Sergeant,
will you check
if Wagner's out?

Sure. As soon as these
guys clear the out line.

How's it coming?

Four or five minutes.

You know
what's on this,
don't you, Andy?

Yeah, by heart.

"Be my guest. Love, M."

M for Melissa.

She left that for me as
a surprise. What about it?

Guest is what it's about.
Suppose it was a guest
that did this.

Suppose it was
somebody at the wedding.

No, they were all
family and friends.

All of 'em?
How many do you know?

Well, most of them
were Melissa's.

A whole lot from
the magazine business.

Editors, models.

But how many do you know?

About 20%.

See what I mean?
We're gonna have
to check 'em all.

Where's the guest list?

I don't have it.
You don't have it?

We made it out and
gave it to Mr. Hays.

Parents of the bride.

Yes, it's the parents
of the bride

that send out the
invitations to
a wedding.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Sorry to bother you,
Mr. Hays.

What the heck, Lieutenant?
It's almost 1:30.

Under normal
circumstances,

I wouldn't bother you,
but this is kind of important.

Well, it better be.

My wife
overdid it tonight.
She's extremely unwell.

I've given
her some medication, but
I don't want to disturb her.

Can't it keep?

I'm afraid not, sir.

(SIGHS) Come on in.

We'll talk in
my bedroom. Shh.

Around here.

So, what's on your mind
this time of the night?

Mr. Hays,
I have a great
deal of respect for you,

so I'm not gonna
beat the bush.

Your daughter
was kidnapped.

Melissa was abducted
from the bridal suite

shortly after
they went upstairs tonight
while Andy was in the shower.

We know
she was chloroformed.

For now, we don't know
who did it, but we're
working on it.

I'm glad to hear that.

Why wasn't I informed earlier?

One reason was out of
consideration for
your wife,

and the other was that
I felt that

it served no useful
purpose until I had
more information.

I'm a big boy.
I could have taken it.

Yes, sir.
No matter, no matter.

Well, the first
thing that comes
to mind is ransom,

she being
the daughter
of a rich man.

No doubt if you're
working on it,
as you say,

you've taken that
under consideration.

Let me make it crystal clear.

If there's a ransom demand,
whatever amount, I'll pay
instantly.

No questions asked.

But let me emphasize.
No police histrionics.

I'll pay.

When my daughter's returned,
then, and only then,

you can go in with guns
blazing. You understand?

Clearly, sir.

Now, what is being done?

Everything possible.

One thing you can
do to help, Mr. Hays.

I need the guest list

in order to check out
everyone that was at
the wedding tonight.

You suspect
it might have been
someone already in the hotel?

We don't know
anything for sure,

but that's one area
we need to follow up.

Well, let's not waste
anymore time.

Time, I imagine, is of
the essence in these matters.

Yes, sir,
time is everything.

Now, here are names,

addresses,
telephone numbers

of everyone
who received an
invitation. Complete.

Thank you.

May I ask you, Mr. Hays,
who took that photograph?

SHELDON: Alex.

Alex?

He was at the wedding
and the reception,
wasn't he?

It's in the garden
of our home, in Seattle.

(CRYING)
Oh, Melissa.

Well, good hunting,
Lieutenant.

I'll keep you
informed, sir.

I appreciate that.

But I want you and
everyone else involved

to make sure not a word
of this reaches my wife.

Nothing in the papers,
nothing on TV, none of that.

It would kill her
if she heard about this
in her present condition.

Understood?
I promise you to
keep it quiet, sir.

Thank you.

Anybody call?

Nothing yet.
But I checked on Wagner.

He's been out
a couple of weeks.

I'm on my way
to a snitch I know.

You ever meet him?
His name's Comfort.

No, but I heard of him.
Tubby, isn't it?
Tubby Comfort?

Yeah, he's got the dirt
on every crook in town.

Makes a nice few bucks
on the side informing
on 'em.

Spends half his nights
in some Arabian steam bath.

Let's see if he has
anything on Wagner.
That the list?

Yeah.
How was Hays?

Tough. He's something else.
I'll see you.

Yeah.

The photographer was
called Alex.

Looked like he never
stopped taking pictures.

What was his second name?

Varrick.
Alex Varrick. Why?

We're gonna need
photos of everybody
to match faces with names

until everybody at
the wedding is
accounted for.

While I'm away, you guys
go through this list.

You check all the names
you know.

If you don't know 'em
and you know somebody
who might know 'em,

call 'em.

Use the spare phone.

(KETTLE WHISTLING)

(GASPS)

(WHISTLING STOPS)

(CUPBOARDS CLOSING)

(WATER POURING)

(CHAIR DRAGGING)

(METALLIC CLANKING)

(KNIFE SHARPENING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(KEYS RATTLING)

(DOORKNOB CLICKING)

(DOOR SLAMS)

MAN: Melissa, my love.

(LAUGHS)

When I remove the tape,
don't scream.

It would be
useless to scream.

This place is not near to
anyone who could hear you.

Only me.

Behind the black paint is
hollow glass building blocks.

Like this.

And these are excellent
insulation against sound.

Screaming would only
strain your vocal chords

and it would irritate me.

So please, my love,
don't do it.

Because if you irritate me,

I may be tempted to
use the blade on you

and I don't wanna do that.

Not yet.

(CHUCKLES)

I'm sorry
I had to tie you up.
It was necessary at the time.

Oh, be...

Be still.

The least hurtful way to
do this is with one
quick pull, hmm?

(GRUNTS)

See?

That wasn't so bad,
was it?

Oh!

(TREMBLING)

Speak to me, my love.

I adore hearing that
lovely voice in those
commercials of yours.

Oh!

(SIGHS)

I've made us some tea.

Would you like some?

Darjeeling.

It's very nice.

(GASPING)

Where's Andy?

Andy?

Where is my husband?

You have no husband,

because the marriage
has not been consummated.

But with regard to the man

I saw
go through that bogus
wedding in the church,

(LAUGHS) I left him
in the shower.

He should be dry by now.

(LAUGHS)

Do you know that
he's a policeman?

Oh, yes.
Yes, indeed.

Well, I read all the
marriage announcements.

Detective Andrew Parma.
Mmm-hmm?

What do you
want with me?

I'm devoted to you

and I desire your love.

And you will
give it to me.

Now, your tea
will be getting cold.

Don't tell me
you're not thirsty.
Come on, have a cup. Hmm?

Water.

I'll have some water.

(IN SING SONG VOICE)
Silly, silly.

(GASPS) Light.

Can I have some
real light in here?

I don't like the dark.

Please.

Perhaps.

Yes, perhaps you'll
be nicer to me then?

(DOOR LOCKING)

(MELISSA GASPING)

(ARABIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Welcome, sir.
Please, sign in.

You will
leave here a new man,
your cares perspired away...

Cut the crap.

If it weren't for the fact
this dump keeps a bunch of
weirdos off the street,

we'd have it shut down
in five minutes.

Tubby Comfort here tonight?

Mr. Comfort is,
indeed, enjoying
his usual steam bath.

Right on Wilshire, left
on Sunset, right on Laurel.

This guy lives in the Hills.

Tubby, where the hell are you?

(TUBBY DRUMMING)

TUBBY: I never forget a face
and I never forget a voice.

Do I have the pleasure of
welcoming Sergeant Goodman?

Bear to the right
a few degrees

and you will discover
the fount of all knowledge.

(LAUGHING)

It must be over
200 degrees in
this place.

Oh, the heat
is good for you.

Melts the fat.

Cut the fat jokes, Tub.

I got a rush job for you.
Wagner, Albert.

He had a brother
called Billy. He...

Until he tried to
take a cop's gun
away from him.

Mmm. Delightful family.

I hear that his
sweetheart of a brother

got out early
for good behavior.

Do you want
Albert's address

so you can add it
to your Christmas
card list?

How'd you guess?

(LAUGHS)

$100 of the
taxpayers' money on account,

to cover
the phone bills
for my secret numbers.

$200 more

when I make your dream
come true.

(DOG BARKING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(DOORBELL RINGING REPEATEDLY)

(GROANS)

(DOORBELL RINGING REPEATEDLY)

ALEX: Who the blazes are you?

I'm here, sir.
Where are you?

On the balcony!
Who the devil are you?

Lieutenant Columbo, sir.

Can we talk?
It's rather urgent.

It's the middle
of the night.

I really appreciate this,
Mr. Varrick, and I'm sorry
about having to...

Oh, what's
the problem,
Lieutenant?

I'm afraid I can't go
into details. I can say

it involves
one of the Hays.

Mrs. Hays? She looked
pretty sickly to me.

No, to the
best of my knowledge,
Mrs. Hays is all right,

for the time being.

Mr. Hays?
He is in some trouble.

And it might get worse.

What do you mean,
"It might get worse"?

Emotionally and financially.

What does that mean?
Can't you tell me
something else?

I can say that it's serious.

Well, I like the guy.

Dotes on Melissa.

Wanted her to be a doctor
before the fame happened.

Never even squawked.
Gave her all kinds
of support.

Yes, he's very fond of her.

Does Melissa know
about this?

It would be best
to keep it from her.

Well, what can I do?

I want copies of
all the photos that
you took at the wedding.

Church, reception,
group pictures
in particular.

What would you do
with them if you
had them?

Eliminate everyone
who can be recognized.

I hope you'll
help me with that.

All unknowns will
be considered suspects.

My studio and lab
are up here.

I have a session with
Eileen Hacker at 8:00
this morning.

Maybe you met her
at the reception.

The toughest editor
in the business.

She's doing a six-page
spread on the wedding

and she's got a deadline.

You're in luck.

My assistant's processing
the stuff right now.

MAN: You were
absolutely right.

The lamp does
make it much nicer.

It's much more cozy.

That's it.

I knew you'd be thirsty
with that awful tape
on your mouth.

Have some more.

(DRAGS CHAIR)

I think
I'm being very considerate.

Have a cookie.

How long are you
going to keep me here?

That's better.
Let's converse.
We'll be civilized.

Um...

How long?
In this room?

Till 3:00
in the afternoon
and then we'll prepare.

3:45 was
when my mother
said she was married,

and that's precisely
the time that we'll do it.

Do what?

You'll see, my love.

It'll be glorious.

It's a pity my mother
can't be here to see it.

(YAWNING)
Where's your mother?

She's had her throat cut.

She's in heaven, my love.
She's waiting for us.

Did somebody kill her?

Uh, yes. My father.

He was a doctor, a surgeon.

Very famous.

I was gonna be
a surgeon myself.

But some things are
just not meant to be.
(CHUCKLES)

Tell me about it.

He was a beast. He was

always bullying my mother,
making her cry.

One day I heard them
fighting in the bedroom.

That was the worst time.

I was eight years old,
listening at the door,

and I heard
her screaming.

Then it stopped.

And I ran into the room and
there she was, she was
laying on the bed.

It was all blood up here.

He'd cut
this wide open
with one of these.

Really?

And then he saw me and
he did the same thing
to himself.

That's it, my love,
you rest.

I dissolved a sleeping
pill in the mug before
I brought it in.

It's very quick, very strong.

I'm going to have
half of one myself.

Make me sleep a while.

And then
I'll go to my work
and we'll be refreshed.

We must be refreshed
for the ceremony,
mustn't we?

Lieutenant, these
are the last two blown up
group shots you asked for.

Mr. Varrick,
I know you're tired, sir.

One more question.

Would you say everyone
who was at the church
and reception

is covered
by the photos
you're giving me?

Well, with these and
the bunch over yonder,
they're covered plenty.

Alex, if you
want to have everything
ready for your meeting,

I'd better get back to work.
I have some catching up to do.

I surely appreciate the
extra time you're spending.

Don't mention it.
Nice wedding.

Mr. Varrick,
when Mr. Hays
hears about this,

he's gonna be as much
in your debt as I am.

Well, I hope it works out
for you both.

Yes. One more thing.

What's that?

Would you mind marking
all the people you recognize

in these two
new photographs?

Then I can snooze for an hour?

I hope so.

You know,
these are wonderful
for marking photographs.

Would it be all right
if I borrowed one to
take with me?

You know what, Lieutenant?
Be my guest.

(YAWNING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(DOOR OPENING)

(KEYS JINGLING)

(CAT MEOWING)

Check this guy
against yours.

MULROONEY: I got this guy.
You got this guy on your
list there?

My sister, Marsha Finch.
Her son and daughter,
Mark, Veronica.

COLUMBO: Veronica.

And son, Mark.

Marsha Finch, children.

SHELDON: And this
is Nathan Smyth,
my accountant.

His wife, Rebecca.
Melissa's godparents.

Nathan Smyth
and Rebecca.

This is
the last of everyone
that my wife and I knew.

I better get back.
She may be awake.

I left a note
saying that I'd gone
to the exercise room.

And another, shall we say,
white lie, will be needed.

She's expecting
Andy and Melissa to stop by
before they go to the airport.

What time is it?

6:40, sir.

Doesn't look very promising
for a ransom call, does it?

Well, you never know, sir.
Indeed.

Morning, fellas.

Andy, what've you got?

Three faces
unaccounted for.

One man, two women.

And you circled all
the singles, like I said.
Yep.

Sergeant?
Two unidentified men.
Singles. All circled.

That's three men, two women.

One man,
one woman.

That's four men,
three women.

Unidentified.
I don't have
any of those.

I have five singles.

We've covered
everybody, right?

Cops, other
friends of Andy's?

With the
help of Varrick,
we've accounted for

Melissa's friends,
magazine people, models,

designers, editors,
makeup and hair people,

everybody she invited.

And with the
help of Mr. Hays,

we've accounted
for family and friends,

husbands and wives,
other couples.

What are we left with?

We're left
with a bunch of
identified singles

and seven faces
nobody knows.

Four men
and three women.

Look at this.

Here,
"Norman Aylesbury.
Single. Bring partner."

Here again, see it?

"Brenda Mosley.
Single. Bring partner."

That leaves five
singles on this page,

all with the same remark.

"Bring partner."

Three there, six there.

How many is that
all together?

That's 15.

One, plus five, plus three,
plus six. That's 15.

Yeah, 15.

We have 15 known singles
that were invited to
bring a partner.

Some did, some didn't.

We have seven
unidentified faces.

Four men,
three women.

We don't know which
single brought
which partner.

We're gonna have to
check 'em, all 15,
personally.

Call 'em, go see 'em,
show 'em the photographs.

Have them
identify the unidentified.

We're gonna need more
guys to do the footwork.

It's time to get
to the squad room.

It's a little
early for the Captain,
but I'm gonna call him.

See if he can
spare some fellas.

(DIALING PHONE)

(PHONE RINGING)

(RINGING CONTINUES)

Andy, it's you
who has to take it.

Hold it.
Robert, the tape.

Got it.

This is Andy Parma.

(SIGHS)

Hold on, please.
It's for you.

Goodman here.

Brother Wagner is at
the Barclay Hotel,
room 212.

Tubby.
He's traced Wagner.

Are you sure it's him?

Jack, the night clerk,
knows him.

And let's not have
any trouble for Jack.

Like, he doesn't want
Albert to hear who
fingered him.

When did Wagner check in?

About midnight.

Alone?

With a chickie.

I'm sorry to bother
you so early, Captain.

We need help.

Okay, Columbo.
What's the problem?

Was the girl ambulatory?

(LAUGHING) Ambulatory?

Damn it,
did she walk in
or did he carry her?

Oh, why would he carry her?

On the other hand,
it might have been
a good idea.

Jack did say that
she was spaced out.

Like she was on something.

Well, three guys
could do it.

I'd sure appreciate it
if you could spare 'em.

I should have been
told about this earlier.

I didn't
want to bother you till
we had something positive.

Is there anything else
I should know?

Jack said that
he saw a nasty weapon

in Albert's belt as he
helped the chickie up
the stairs.

Right, Captain.
I'll send Mulrooney
over with the photos.

He'll have 'em copied.
He'll tell the guys
what's needed.

How long?

He'll be at
the squad room,
20, 25 minutes.

So will I.

Tell him
I'll expect
a full report.

You'll have it, Captain.

Stop griping, Tubby.
You know I always
deliver.

No expense spared.
Nope. Bye-bye, sweetheart.

COLUMBO: Where's Wagner?

Barclay Hotel,
room 212.

You heard what
I said to the Captain?

I sure did, Lieutenant.
I'm on my way.

Let's go.

(SIGHING)

(GRUNTS)

(MELISSA READING)

"The tape is
one of my favorites.

"See you after work.

"Soon, love, soon."

So you've gone
to work, have you?

Good boy.

Oh! Andy,
where are you?

Where are all those
cops I married into?

(SIGHS)

Stop being silly, Melissa.
Think!

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

So that's your favorite
music, is it?

Let's see about this window.

(GASPS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Freeze! Police!

Don't move, you scum!

Where's my wife?

I'm gonna get you,
you pig.

Talk! Or
you're dead meat.
Now, where is she?

COLUMBO: Hold it, Andy!

(TREMBLING)

We're the police.
What's your name?

Sam.
Sam?

Samantha.

How long
have you known
this man, Samantha?

Last night.
Just last night.

Where'd you meet him?

Bar. In a bar.

What time, miss?

I don't know.

9:00? 10:00? 11:00?

The ball game was on TV.

Did you spend the evening
with this man?

(CRYING) He had some stuff
and I needed a fix really bad.

Shut your trap!
Shut yours!

Bitch!

(MUSIC STOPS)

What were you doing
before you came here?

Drinking beer.

He gave you this?

Yes. Can I have it?

Book him.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIGHING)

(SCOFFS)
I'm beginning
to like that stuff.

You're cracking up, Melissa.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, God!
Help me, God.

Why did he let it rust?
Why didn't he oil it?

(MUSIC STOPS)

(PANTING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Rust.

Vinegar kills rust.

Vinegar does this,
vinegar does that.

Oh, thank you, Mother dear,
for all the lectures, and
thank you, God.

First the vinegar.

Now, let it soak, Melissa.

Don't rush it.

Give it time.

Then the oil.

(PHONE RINGING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

ANDY: Coffee, buddy?

Sure.

You found all 15?

Yeah, with the help
of these three guys.

Some of the
singles weren't too happy.
Still sleeping off the party.

This isn't a holiday camp.
How about you three get
back to your desks?

Thanks a lot, fellas.

What's the breakdown?

I marked them all
on the guest list.

Nine went without partners.
Six took partners
with them.

Everyone's
accounted for
here on the guest list,

all the singles are
circled and crossed

and six of the identified
partners circled and crossed.

That accounts for six
of the seven unknowns.

And here's the one
that's left.

COLUMBO: 30 to 35. Blonde.

Last pew. Sitting alone.

Good looking guy.

Tall, about 180 pounds.
Let's take a closer look.

Yeah, he's good looking,
all right.

Give me.

No joy on
the fingerprints?

Half a dozen different
sets on the door.

All kinds on
the fire exit area.

Nothing in criminal
records, Captain.

I don't know what you're
waiting for, Columbo.

We got one
clear shot here.

Blow it up, copy it, rush it
to every TV station in town,
every newspaper.

You want to find the guy,
that's the way to get
moving on it.

I got
some interest in this.
Let me look at this guy close.

You bet.

Don't look good looking
to me.

CAPTAIN: Me, neither.

We got no ransom call.

Nothing came through the
hookup on the hotel phone.

Forget ransom.

I know what you guys
have been thinking
from the start,

but you wouldn't
say it to me.

Well, let's not kid
ourselves any longer.

Weirdo, right?

Okay, okay, okay, let's
say this guy is some freak

and he sees
himself on TV.

What might that
make him do, Captain?

I don't like saying
this to you, Andy,

but what's he gonna do
he wouldn't do anyway?

It might make him
do it quicker.

There's something
else, Captain.

Mrs. Hays,
Melissa's mother,
she's a very sick woman.

She knows nothing yet.

I promised Mr. Hays
not to do it this way.

What else is there?

What time is it?

Six minutes after 9:00.

We couldn't do it before,
but we can do it now.

They're open now.

What are you talking about?
Who's open?

Car dealers.

There's one witness you
don't know about, Captain.

This guy, Bailey.

He saw a white van
at the back of the hotel,

near the fire exit
about the time
it happened.

All he says he saw
is a white van.

But people
sometimes see more
than they thought they saw.

Maybe if we could
jog his memory,

he could come up with
something more specific.

Let me have
those three extra guys.

We'll hit every dealer
in town.

Get brochures
of every type van.

Show 'em to Bailey.
We might get lucky.

You got 'em.
You three, you're
with Lieutenant Columbo.

Thanks a million,
Captain. Let's go.

Let's go!

ANDY: Santa Monica Boulevard,
Sarge.

There's a stack
of manufacturers.
Nothing else for blocks.

Better than
Washington Boulevard?

Yeah, they're
all closer together.

What about Ventura?

No, Santa Monica's better.
I live around there.

Bought my Mustang from
a used car dealer on
that block.

They're all there.
Chevrolet, Chrysler,

Dodge, Ford, Nissan,
Toyota, you name it.

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

GOODMAN: What's up,
Lieutenant?

I just remembered
where Varrick is.

You boys carry on.

I'll know
where to find you.

Just carry on.

Carry on.

Taxi!

(SIGHING)
More oil, Melissa.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, come on, baby.
Come on.

(GASPING)

JANET: Absolutely not, sir.

Ms. Hacker
and Mr. Varrick
are in conclave.

Conclave, ma'am?

Ms. Hacker has
a deadline to meet

and has left
strict instructions

not to be disturbed
under any circumstances.

Mr. Varrick knows me.
Just tell him I'm here.

She said not
under any circumstances.

This is
an urgent
circumstance.

You're not
going to arrest
either of them, are you?

You must be joking, ma'am.

Of course.
Come back this afternoon.

Ma'am, which door is it?

I mean, my goodness,

you don't want me to have
to try all of them, do you?

Sir!

Ms. Eileen Hacker!

Forgive me, ma'am,
for arriving unannounced.

Alex told me about you.
He said you were the best.

Boy, look at this layout!

I'm the groom's uncle,
ma'am,

and I can tell
you that Melissa,

she's gonna go to the moon
when she sees what you're
doing for her.

Good morning, Alex.

How are you after
our night together?

Alex, you know
this bundle of fun?

Alex is just fine,
Lieutenant.

Eileen, if
you want someone to
break into Fort Knox,

Lieutenant Columbo
is your man.

You wouldn't guess it,
but he's a police detective.

What can I do for you?

And uncle or not,
will you please
make it quick?

Uh, yes, ma'am.

We wouldn't wanna
worry Melissa on her
honeymoon, would we?

I should
certainly hope not.
She's a delightful girl.

And in order to
avoid worrying her,

I have to pick up
something from Mr...

Alex, real quick.

A little matter
concerning her father.

He'll tell you about
it after you meet
your deadline.

I'm consumed
by curiosity.

(LAUGHS) Especially about
the night you spent together.

(LAUGHING) Did we...
Did we miss something?

Yeah, that's it.

What?
That smile, right there.

When you had your arm
around Melissa with
that look of yours,

when you gave
your camera to Andy.

Where's that picture?

Oh, yes, the one
of me and Melissa

and the
other shots
in the lobby.

I didn't remember myself,
until I couldn't find
me anywhere.

Then I realized
it was on part of a roll
that was still in the camera.

Here, here they are.
Yeah. I can't imagine
what use they'd be to you.

Oh, I love that one
of Melissa and Alex.

Simply divine.
That's definitely going in.

The discovery
and the discoverer.

Do either of you
recognize this man?

ALEX: No, I've never
seen him before.

I've no idea who he is.

Uh...

Could I borrow
a magnifying glass?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Uh...

Let me ask you,

do you think I could borrow
this picture for a couple
of hours?

Well, it's not
one of my best.

Andy looks good,
but you can barely see
anything of Melissa's face.

Yeah, you can keep it.
Don't you agree, Eileen?

That's a discard
if ever I saw one.

Well, thank you
very much, I...

I appreciate the time,
Ms. Hacker. It's been
a real pleasure.

And when this issue
hits the stand,

I'm gonna pick
not one up, two.

One for my wife.
She's gonna love it.

Thanks. Alex,
I owe you another.

Okay. Good luck.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(GASPING)

That's as good
as we're gonna get.

Can we see it
under a magnifier?

Moving right along,
Lieutenant.
Moving right along.

How's it look?

Take a peek.

"R-A-M-S-E-Y."

This guy went
to Ramsey College.

(PHONE RINGING)

Goodman.

COLUMBO: (ON PHONE)
You got the brochures?

Yeah, Lieutenant,
we got 'em. All kinds.

We're on our way back.

Know Ramsey College?

Ramsey College?
Sure, I know it.
It's out near Pomona.

(GRUNTING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

The evidence
of a college ring
is not much to go on.

I mean, there are
thousands of them
in existence.

Without a name,
I don't see how
I can help you.

Yearbooks.
If he was here,

there might be
a photo in a yearbook.

Possibly.

I get the feeling
this is an urgent matter.

We have reason to believe
he abducted this
officer's wife.

The college library.

That's where you can
find the yearbooks.

Thank you, sir.

Who the blazes is it?

No damn rest.

(KNOCK ON WINDOW)

What the heck
are you doing here?

Nice house, Bill.

Don't give me
none of that bull.

This is my
sister's place.

It's a good thing
she ain't here.

She'd have chewed your butt
off for trying to get at me.

I'm working tonight.

Bill, how would you
like to save a life?

(GRUNTS)

(STRAINING)

(GRUNTS) Stupid.

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

The window is wedged.
It only opens a few inches.

We have to have some
ventilation in this place.

Don't we, my love?

You look surprised
to see me.

I had a slight
problem at my work.

They let me go early.

Some people don't
appreciate me as
they should.

But you do, don't you?

(LAUGHS)

(TREMBLING)

Your makeup's a mess.

And your hands,
they're filthy.

What a shame.

Yes, you've spoilt everything.

We'll have to bring
the ceremony forward.

We'll have to
freshen you up,

'cause you must look
your best.

And as a special treat,
you'll have the pleasure

of watching me
change my clothes.

We must both look
our best for the wedding.

What wedding?

Ours.

I'm already married.

Not really.

You'll only truly
be married when you're
married to me, my love.

Anything like this?

(YAWNING) No. Wasn't that.

That's a pickup with
a little camper on it,

like my sister's boy has.
I'd know that anywhere.

COLUMBO: Anything
like this?

That's a bakery truck.
It's too tall.

How about this minibus?

It wasn't
any kind of bus at all.
Didn't have all them windows.

How about this?

I don't think so.

This is 1982.

Unless the guy was
the biggest dummy
of all time,

he couldn't have
been here after that.

Look at this.

Without the long hair.

GOODMAN: That's him.
What's it say?

"Rudy 'Doc' Strassa
is headed for pre-med.

"Voted most likely
to dissect a friend."

He's a doctor.

The son of a bitch
could be a doctor.

So there might
have been a window?
You never saw the front?

I told you
a hundred times,
I seen the back.

Did it have a window
in the back

like this?

All I could see
was one little window.

But there could have
been two, like this?

It wasn't red, it was white.

Forget about the color
for a minute. Is this
the style of it?

Uh, maybe. Sort of.

Is this sort of
what you saw?

That's it!
That's what I seen!

Are you sure
about that, Bill?

I swear on a stack
of Bibles.

Look at this, Bill.

(GASPING)
I'll be doggone.
That's an ambulance.

Let me look.

Loosen up the left side
a little. It's too severe.

I adore you with that
slightly disheveled look.

Much better.

And now the lipstick.

This is one of my favorite
shades on you.

Let me try.

See how good it looks
with white?

We are gonna be
a perfect match.

Now it's your turn.

And then after the lipstick
and the mascara,

and then the eyebrows,
a touch of bloom
on the cheeks...

And then into
the wedding dress,

and on with
the nuptials.

(HUMMING THE WEDDING MARCH)

Hmm?

(CONTINUES HUMMING)

Thank you, sir.

Have you ever
heard of anyone called
Rudy or Rudolph Strassa?

MAN ON PHONE:
Strassa? No, no way.

Are you sure?

(CLEARING THROAT) No,
he's not a red-nosed
reindeer.

All I'm asking is,
did he graduate from
your medical school?

I know you don't know
yet, lady.

I just want to
ask it one more time.

You've been checking
your records for
10 minutes.

It's an easy name,
under "S" for Strassa.

Well, thank you, sir.
I surely appreciate that.

Perhaps you could
ask around your people.

If you have any news,
please call us back.
Much obliged.

This was my dear mother's.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, so skittish.
Like a thoroughbred.

Hmm. Be still, be still.

The sooner this is over,
the sooner you'll be
at peace, my love.

(SCATTING THE WEDDING MARCH)

(ALL CHATTERING)

Yes, sir, Strassa!
Right! Rudy.

(CHATTERING STOPS)

He's one
of your ambulance
drivers, is he, sir?

You fired him
this morning?
I see.

So he went off with one of
your ambulances last night,
did he?

Would that be
around 10:30?

I see.

Perhaps you have an address
where we might reach him, sir.

Mmm, these are the best silk.

Pure white.

It will soon be so
lovely for us in here,

when we consummate
our marriage.

So close together.
So very close.

And then afterwards,
in the quiet moments
afterwards...

I'll have to do what
was done to my dear mother.

You'll hardly feel it.
I'm very precise.

This is the real one.

You'll remove
the fake thing
from your finger.

No.

(GASPS)

Off with it, my love.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered together in
the sight of God to join
these two people...

I, Rudolph Arnold Strassa,

take you,
Melissa Alexandra Hays...

We sure got some heavy
artillery in support,
Captain.

You bet.

Be too bad if the
guy heard us coming.

We want to get there fast,
don't we?

Oh, no doubt
about that, Captain.

I'll cut the sirens
when we get a little closer.

That'd be
fairly soon,
wouldn't it?

Say it.
Never.

Say, "I, Melissa Alexandra
Hays, take you, Rudy..."

Never!

You can kill me, you creep,
but I will never say that!

(WHIMPERING)

Not yet, my love.
I mustn't complete it now.

Not yet.
There's more to do.

But I will cut by degrees,
if necessary, until the end.

Now, give me
your left hand.

There.

Whether you say it
or not, you're mine.

And now to bed.

Yeah.

Get there out of sight,
surround the place,

cover doors, windows,
roofs, stairwells,
every damn thing.

Then, bam!
Hit him all at once.

Freezes the bastards
in their tracks every time.

Yeah, that's a good way
to do it.

I've seen that work and
I've seen people get hurt.

This might be
a bit different,

it being Melissa,
a cop's wife. Andy's wife.

Are you telling
me my job, Columbo?

No way, Captain.
No, sir.

But when, you know,
so many guys in uniform

and three of them
are young guys

who haven't been
on the force
six months,

someone might, you know,
accidentally give it away.

Get to it.

How about an extra
five, ten minutes before
you bring in the main force?

You hold them in reserve.

We've been
on this so long,

a few extra moments
doesn't cost much.

How about it, Captain?

As a favor to Andy.

You're breaking my heart.

Okay, cut the sirens.

Keep that clean.

Don't want to see
too much blood just yet.

Mama wouldn't like it.

STRASSA: (WHISPERING)
Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Soon, my love.

Soon.

(GRUNTING)

Hold up!

(YELLING)

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(CRYING)

ANDY: Okay.

Secure the area.

(CHATTERING)

Easy, take it easy.

Easy, hon. I got you.

What time is it?