All language subtitles for Persona Sulli S01E02

BASED ON A 2019 INTERVIEW WITH
CHOI JINRI BEFORE HER PASSING.

Shall we begin?

Are you ready to begin?

Let's start with a brief introduction.

Introduction?

Do I just say my name?

Hello.

I am Choi Jinri.

SULLI (JINRI'S STAGE NAME):
PEAR BLOSSOMS IN THE SNOW

JINRI (SULLI'S BIRTH NAME):
THE TRUTH

IN THE MIDDLE OF A CYCLONE
THE AIR IS GENERALLY STILL.

IT WAS VERY DARK.

THE WIND HOWLED HORRIBLY.

DOROTHY CLOSED HER EYES
AND FELL FAST ASLEEP.

Ready.

Action.

This will be the first question.

Do you think you're prettier
than other people?

Yes.

Then have you ever thought
you're superior to others?

Superior?

Are they different for you,
"pretty" and "superior"?

They are.

Could you elaborate?

To be honest, thinking I was superior…

was something I just had to do
in the K-pop industry,

competing with others
from such an early age…

I couldn't help but think that…

as a way to keep myself from getting hurt.

I think I was always bound by
this idea of being pretty,

specifically the word "pretty."

How should I say this?

Whenever people called me pretty,

I was curious to know…

why people said it

and what makes them say those words to me.

I felt like I had to keep acting pretty.

I actually got told off too

for not behaving,
for not being the pretty girl.

It always caused some resistance
inside me.

The phrase "superior beauty"
appeared so much in your articles,

so I wanted to ask that.

"Superior beauty."

-How does it make you feel?
-Hearing that?

I feel nothing.

I've never seen myself as "superior."

How are you feeling?

I'm so nervous.

My Peachies must be too, right?

I'll do my best.

Thank you.

What's your new song "Dorothy" about?

It feels very dreamy to me.

Yes, the song is about my dreams.

I really love to dream.

I tried to express through the lyrics

the journey I took
while exploring in dreams.

What does the title "Dorothy" mean?

I don't know what you all dream at night,

but I don't have nightmares.

I usually have happy dreams.

Interestingly,

I go to these specific towns.

Are they real places?

No, they only exist in my dreams.

But they seem so real.

In one town there's this elderly woman.

I go there and we chat.

In another town I have a friend.

I go there and we wander around

until I drift further in
to find a rural village.

That's very specific.

Perhaps you remember
because they're recurring dreams.

Yes, I know all the geographies
of the towns.

But I can't go whenever I want.

These dreams just happen and I realize,

"Oh, I've come back!"

"COME, TOTO."

"WE WILL GO
TO THE EMERALD CITY."

"LET'S ASK THE GREAT OZ
HOW TO GET BACK HOME."

-Are you alright?
-Yes.

-Shall we start?
-Sure.

I heard about your dream as a child
to make dolls.

Gosh.

Making dolls.

My mom was rarely home.

I missed her all the time.

CHAPTER 1
THE ROAD OF THE YELLOW BRICK

It was my job to wait for her each day.

I wanted to make a doll
looking just like Mom.

When did you need your mother?

Do you remember any moments
when you needed your mother?

When I needed my mom…

Yes.

When I couldn't make decisions on my own?

When she related to a part of me

that everyone else found odd.

I would say my mom and I…

except for our age difference,

were like twins or doppelgängers.

I don't like the color green,

it's just not my favorite color.

One day I asked her,
"What's your favorite color?"

She said "It's green,"

so I told everyone,
"My favorite color is green."

Mom's absences.

Too many to count.

My mom…

All she ever wanted was to love
and to be loved.

She was like a little girl.

It seemed love was everything in her life.

But in my case,

I find myself rejecting…

the idea that love is
the most important thing in life.

When I fall in love,

I used to give it hard and pour it out.

Now I try to go then back up a little.

I almost rush forward
before coming back to my senses.

I wasn't able to control myself in love,

but I'm getting better at it.

I feel proud.

When did you decide
to look for your own answers?

When I turned 20.

What did I want to do at 20?

There were two things.

Just two.

I told my mom what I wanted to do.

The first was…

to find me a therapist.

The other was to date someone.

It was the first decision I made
on my own.

I had no regrets.

I was happy.

But…

I felt my mom was telling me

not to be happy.

It was hard to separate myself.

In the end I stopped listening to her.

I just did what I wanted.

I don't have many memories of my dad.

My dad…

He'd lie on the bed like this,

watching TV.

I remember him always lying on his side.

And…

One time,

his colleague bought me

a present.

It was a Barbie.

Some kind of Barbie play set.

I was really happy to receive
such an expensive gift.

But when I played with the doll…

I tore it apart
by the neck, arms and legs.

I even colored it completely red.

My mom never bought me dolls again.

That's my Barbie story.

One day they appeared out of the blue.

Maybe they're my memories
of the characters I played.

I would wonder if they are the real me.

Then I think, "Who am I really?"

"What did I do so wrong?"

"I want to end it all."

The end?

I don't know.

The end might look different
for everybody.

Too small to read?

Open it a bit more.

-Here?
-Yes.

Talk as if you're in thought.

Okay.

Sulli A.

She loves to stay home.

She barely goes outside.

She hangs out with someone
at home all the time.

She does everything lying down.

She loves lolling about.

Action.

Same as A's lines?

B loves beautiful things.

She can absorb many different things.

C has a clear sense of right and wrong.

But she doesn't talk much.

Future.

My future?

I'm not sure.

It's a difficult question.

Future?

Right, my future.

I want a good life for my future.

Staying healthy…

with peace of mind.

Will I be able to disappear?

No.

Yes.

"YOU MUST PUT ON
THE SPECTACLES."

"IF YOU DO NOT,
THE BRIGHTNESS WOULD BLIND YOU,"

SAID THE GREEN MAN.

Oh, K-pop.

Being a K-pop idol is the worst.

-Is it okay to keep going?
-Sure.

-I'll start with a lighter one.
-Okay.

Do you think K-pop idols are laborers?

CHAPTER 2
THE EMERALD CITY

Yes.

Do their labor rights
need to be protected?

Yes.

Which rights specifically?

Minimum wage.

Standard working hours.

Like you can't work overtime.

I wish.

That's why we have labor unions.

-I see.
-Do you think idols need a union?

Of course they do.

I'm pissed.

We definitely need one.

I don't feel people think
celebrities are humans.

They don't see us as humans.

When I started out
in the entertainment business,

there was one thing
people wouldn't stop telling me…

which I didn't think was absurd back then.

"You are a product."

"You need to be

the finest,

top-quality product

to the public.

That's what you are."

Like…

Maybe I shouldn't say this?

Even when they didn't say I was a product,

everyone treated me like one.

I had to be what they wanted me to be.

I had to fear losing my product value.

For one thing…

In my case…

I couldn't give voice to my opinions.

I didn't know how to speak up.

I didn't even know if I could at all.

When I did speak up about my difficulties…

the system…

wasn't going to change.

Nobody told me

"Make your own choice."

"It's up to you."

"What do you think?"

"How are you these days?"

I sound like I'm bad-mouthing K-pop.

You know Nikita?

It's just like that movie.

We were basically puppets.

Who cares if I'm exhausted?

-Jinri.
-Yes?

It seemed you were under strict control
and constraints.

How did you deal with such pressure?

For me…

I just kept blaming myself.

That's what I did.

The only thing I could control.

The only time I felt in control was…

when I was…

When I was giving myself pain.

The only thing I could ever control

was to blame myself and put myself down.

That was my way of being in control.
The kind I was capable of.

It was tough
but it probably kept me going.

-But that's too painful.
-Right.

I think there's a limit
to the pain one can bear.

Maybe the problem was the system itself.

Not necessarily you.

Right.

You never think
it could be someone else's fault?

No.

You've never thought that way?

Let me rephrase it.

You haven't been able to think
it might not be your fault?

Not even once?

No.

Can I cry here?

It was not an option for me.

When it did cross my mind at some point…

everything collapsed.

When I thought for myself
for the first time,

and expressed how I was suffering,

All these burdens on my shoulders.

All…

No, I couldn't think of it that way.

It wasn't allowed.

When I…

As I began

to express my own thoughts…

I was able to think deeply about myself.

The basic stuff like what I like…

what I don't like…

and if I feel bad why I feel that way.

It's like that,

The Matrix, is it?

The choice between the red pill
and the blue pill.

They ask if you want to know
the truth about reality

and suffer with that knowledge

or just ignore it and live on.

It's a dilemma.

When I had to choose…

at a certain point…

I wanted to know what reality was.

But if I didn't take the red pill

and kept going…

without knowing anything…

my life

would be happier…

maybe?

I do wonder now and then.

Yes.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 7, 2015

IN THE MIRRORS
I FOUND STUFFY AND NUTTY

IMAGINATION AND DREAMS

OBSESSION WITH DREAMS

MY DESIRES, MY LONGINGS

HAPPINESS -› ADDICTION

MY MISUNDERSTANDING, MY TRUTH

I AM FEAR ITSELF

DESPERATE FOR GLAMOR

Hi!

Baby.

Baby.

Come here, sweetie.

Come.

Hi, everyone.

How is your day?

How's your day, Goblin?

As for me…

my day is a bit ruined.

What is a day ruined?

Goblin!

What is a ruined day?

A day is ruined

when…

When things don't go as planned

or when I wake up in the morning

to realize I forgot something.

A day with a bad start.

But even a day ruined

deserves a good ending, right?

A good end.

Today…

the weather seems nice.

Although I haven't been outside yet.

Why am I feeling annoyed
by the nice weather?

I feel good when I sleep a lot.

Today…

I kept waking up at night.

I changed my cell phone.

Maybe the new phone made my day a bad day.

Because of the new phone,

nothing went the way I wanted.

The alarm didn't go off.

I didn't know how the new phone worked.

I kept thinking,

"I want to get back to my old phone."

I couldn't let go of it.

I kept holding on to it tight.

I'll try to have a good day.

Wish me luck.

"THE WICKED WITCH
LIVES IN THE WEST."

"WATER WILL MAKE
THE WICKED WITCH MELT AWAY."

"BUT I HAVE NO DESIRE
TO DROWN THE WITCH."

Quite often I hated myself
for looking pretty.

CHAPTER 3
DOROTHY'S SILVER SHOES

I think…

it's connected
to the environment I was in.

"You are born as a pretty girl."

"You don't have to know anything."

"Just sit among these people

and amuse them."

"Then they will love it.
Your look itself will please them."

Always along those lines.

I don't know what to say.

I had so many thoughts about appearance.

Seriously…

Isn't it obnoxious?

If I say it's tough being pretty,
it's obnoxious.

THE NIGHT OF HATE COMMENTS
SULLI

PLEASE GREET GUESTS.

Even before I became a K-pop idol,

I loved music and wanted to
make my own music.

Luckily I debuted as Wonder Girls.

But because I started out as K-pop idol,

people judged me so harshly.

Especially my looks.

They'd say I'm the ugliest
of Wonder Girls.

Someone wrote,
you're "afflicted with Artist Syndrome."

-You admitted it, right?
-She did.

Are you an attention seeker?

A true attention seeker here
will deliver the verdict.

-Whether she's one too.
-Sulli's the judge.

-She'll be honest.
-You want me to judge?

-Sulli's an expert in this field.
-She's an attention seeker detector.

-He's good.
-I know, right?

"Attention seeker detector."

So, am I an attention seeker?

-You want me to say it?
-Yes, please.

Are you sure?

Is she an attention seeker or not?

I don't think she is.

I mean…

You simply did what you could
but not for attention.

You wanted to share the music.

I did ask myself,
"Am I really seeking attention?"

But the truth is,
we're all attention seekers.

Yes, we are.

As children we needed attention
from our parents and friends.

Otherwise we wouldn't be working
in this industry.

People are on social media
because they want attention.

The word "attention seeker"
should be gotten rid of.

-That's a good idea.
-Right.

If everyone's an attention seeker,
we don't need that word.

The attention seeker detector has declared

the word "attention seeker"
is banned from now on!

And there was a controversial interview

where you openly described yourself
as a feminist.

They've been sensitive issues lately.

Right, I did say I was a feminist.

They asked if I was a feminist
and I said I was.

I think people paint too much negativity

onto the words "feminist" or "feminism."

I don't get why women have to be

so cautious talking about it.

-Right.
-It's becoming a taboo.

Do you think men and women
have equal rights?

Of course, that's why
I'm a humanist and artist.

So are you a feminist?

Well, I don't want to be restricted

or defined by a specific term.

Let me tell you how I educate my kids.

When I was in middle school,

I wanted to learn guitar
to impress my crush.

Some of the things I did
were purely out of curiosity,

but I made a real effort
mostly to impress girls.

Many around me have similar experiences.

Some played music and some painted.

Some even studied hard.

All wanting to impress their crush
or her parents.

It was their way of
getting closer to them.

So rather than taking a side--

Hold on!

Finally she raised her voice.

Do you think men and women
should be equal?

-Of course.
-Then you are a feminist.

-Is that so?
-Yes.

If that's the case.

All the things I've done
in my social media,

I did them because I wanted to.

My actions and my mindset
at a fundamental level…

were in line with

those who supported feminism.

"Women shouldn't do that."

"Women shouldn't talk so loud
or have strong opinions."

These were the opposite of who I was.

I didn't like what they were saying.

Men talk openly about sex…

or about their desires and discontent.

Men are praised
for being blunt about those things.

But when women do the same…

they are rebuked
for being vulgar or too opinionated.

Even when I don't agree with some women,

I've come to root for them

for being empowered enough
to speak for themselves.

Simply for that.

I thought we needed more women
to speak up.

Women can be wrong too.

Women can get angry
and be inappropriate too.

For example…

I go braless…

because I think it looks more beautiful.

If the whole world picks on me

and I believe I did nothing wrong…

I tend to stick to my beliefs.

Sometimes I know I will
get cancelled for no good reason

and when that really happens…

I just think, "I knew it."

And I kept going with
what made me feel good.

Then what did you think
when speaking up as a woman

only intensified the existing perception
rather than challenging it?

I'm not sure what's more important

or what others might think.

But I feel…

I've accomplished much bigger freedom.

I've also liberated myself from the shame

that I'd known and suffered alone.

On the other hand,
there were also cases in your life

where women were the perpetrators.

Like the person who spread
the hateful rumor about you.

I wanted to hear your feelings about this.

Well…

She probably didn't know
things would turn out that way.

I mean, people gossip all the time.

Some say it's the best pastime.

She was just unlucky and got caught.

Can I say that you forgave her
because she had bad luck

when people always
constantly gossip and judge?

Let me rephrase it.

Why did you forgive her?

I think…

As I pursued litigation,

I was hurt even more taking legal action.

It didn't make me feel better.

It didn't soothe my anger.

It only continued to hurt.

When I heard they found the person…

it hurt.

When I heard she was feeling deeply sorry,

it still hurt.

I guess at that time,
it simply hurt to get an apology.

Whatever it could've been,

at least back then
coming from that person,

it would've hurt the same
however she apologized.

In that case,
what does it mean to forgive?

-To forgive?
-Yes.

If you think it would've hurt
however she apologized,

doesn't it make forgiving meaningless?

I guess I didn't allow
the chance for forgiveness.

I see.

For almost a year afterwards,

you haven't been very active.

I wonder what you've been up to,
taking a break as a normal person.

Right.

I'm not sure.

In a way it felt like a time of awakening.

It was also a time of forgiveness.

Does that mean forgiving yourself?

About your past mistakes
or apologies you never made?

No, I kept on forgiving other people.

IMAGINE TO IMAGINE.

NOTHING DEFEATS MY IMAGINATION.

EVERYONE DESERVES
THE FREEDOM TO IMAGINE.

IF IMAGINATION LEADS TO ORGASM
AND CATHARSIS,

WOULDN'T YOU IMAGINE
AT EVERY MOMENT?

AM I AN IMAGINED REALITY?

COMEDY OR TRAGEDY.
WHERE TO LAND?

IMAGINE TO IMAGINE.

NOT YET A TRAGEDY.

"I THOUGHT OZ
WAS A TERRIBLE BEAST."

"I THOUGHT OZ
WAS A BALL OF FIRE."

"I THOUGHT OZ
WAS A LOVELY LADY."

CHAPTER 4
THE WIZARD OF OZ

We're going for a take.

Let's get ready.

Action.

Cut.

Do you mind talking
about your career as an actress?

-You don't mind?
-Not at all.

-Real is your latest work.
-Yes.

Your character was very different
from your past roles.

Right.

I saw it as a space
for me to learn acting.

She felt completely different
from what I'd played before.

She's very mature

and has a know-it-all attitude.

That was something
I was never confident about.

What keeps drawing you into it?

-Acting?
-Yes.

As I got into acting more seriously,

what changed dramatically for me

was how I observed other people

and how I put myself
in other people's shoes.

Looking back on your acting career,

all your characters seem to be
so-called girl crush types.

It was not intentional…

but you're right.

Before I started acting,

I didn't have much interest
in other people.

But as I started to,

I wished there were
fewer victims out there.

I also began to think
I might be useful somehow.

I might be able
to contribute something to it.

From the beginning,

I had to jump right into the big,
real world.

And it left me confused
about a lot of things.

It made me want a sense of belonging…

as well as the stability
that comes with belonging.

I believe there are all kinds of people,

even in small worlds like school.

I wondered what my role could be
in that small world…

what it'd be like to build a relationship

and what people my age had in their minds.

This thing, fame…

It showed up so abruptly.

I understood what it means to be famous
but I was scared too.

I always felt it was a bubble.

So I tried not to see it.

I tried to turn away.

Then what did you care about the most?

What did I care about the most?

It was the people.

Each member…

I don't think anybody gets this,

but when you lose a member in a group…

you're left with a huge void.

Every one of us
was part of the sisterhood.

I loved them.

We had each other's back.

We told one another we'd get through it
as a team.

Do you put on a mask as a celebrity?

-Before the public?
-Yes.

What kind of mask is it?

Acting tough?

Tough?

Yes.

Like…

pretending to be okay.

That means you didn't put on
any mask today.

The mask…

Is that why you said you've screwed up?

How did you know?

So you put this mask on
when you step in front of cameras.

Yes.

This film we're shooting now

-will be released on Netflix.
-Right.

In a way, you're there without the mask.

Yes.

Why is that?

I've always hated to show my weakness.

I felt embarrassed.

I often experienced this sense of shame.

And I decided
I didn't want to hide it anymore.

Because…

Getting puffed up…

doesn't make me cool.

Feeling sorry and saying you're not
doesn't make me cool, either.

I hated to be someone vulnerable.

But I've come to think
I might be stronger…

once I accept my vulnerability.

But still!

I screwed up today.

Why do you keep saying that?

Do you think you're indifferent
to what other people think?

No.

Yes.

Why do you think
people call you an attention seeker?

I'm not sure.

What if they're telling the truth?

What if you really are one?

What if I really am the weird one?

It could be true.

That'd be so sad.

How would you feel
if more people told you you're not weird?

Well, for a film called Punch Lady…

I had a meeting with the director.

He asked me…

"Can you try not smiling for 3 minutes?"

Maybe it was a minute, I don't remember.

And I couldn't do it.

"Nobody is smiling but you."

I was shocked.

But I couldn't stop smiling.

We spoke again a few days later
when he told me,

"When I first saw you,

I thought you'd never
be able to play this role."

"But I realized…

you're…

you're perfect for the role."

"Let's do it."

I said yes, and took the part.

It was around that time…

I reached puberty

and stopped smiling.

No zest for life.

Does anyone know why?

Feeling listless.

When I'm completely drained.

I just let go of it all.

I let go of my mind…

and just wait.

Everything always comes and goes.

I'm sure the right time will come.

I heard we dream in either first person
or third person.

I always observe myself in third person.

Like watching a movie.

We all make mistakes.
Life is all about mistakes.

Thanks everyone for wishing me happiness.

A small-eyed little girl
meets the big-big tiger.

January 30, 2019.

First diary entry in years.

Back in 2008 I never believed I'd turn 20.

I remember those days.

Now I don't believe I'll ever turn 30.

But I will in no time.

I'm hungry now.

Hope my diary doesn't mind.

I guess I'll eat.

Dorothy of jealousy

Dorothy of love

Dorothy of truth

Colorful Dorothy

Coco-flavored Dorothy

Cowardly Dorothy

Dorothy in desert

Dorothy on ice

Dorothy underground

Cold pills Dorothy

Delicious Dorothy

Everything's Dorothy

Didn't mean anything
Hope was my everything

On the edge of imagination
Buried under creation

The sky is barren
Dreams are forgotten

All forgotten dreams

Your quiet melody
Under ashen sky

Paradise may be lost
But in deep sea

Praying for the future

Dorothy of jealousy

Dorothy of love

Dorothy of truth

Colorful Dorothy

Coco-flavored Dorothy

Cowardly Dorothy

Dorothy in desert

Dorothy on ice

Dorothy underground

Cold pills Dorothy

Delicious Dorothy

Everything's Dorothy

Didn't mean anything
Hope was my everything

On the edge of imagination
Buried under creation

The sky is barren
Dreams are forgotten

All forgotten dreams

Your quiet melody
Under ashen sky

Paradise may be lost
But in deep sea

Praying for the future

DOROTHY BEGAN TO SOAR
INTO THE SKY.

ALL SHE COULD HEAR WAS THE WIND
WHISTLING PAST HER EARS.

THE SILVER SHOES TOOK BUT THREE
STEPS AND STOPPED SUDDENLY.

CHAPTER 5
KANSAS

We have three minutes left.
Anything you want to add?

How many minutes now?

Two.

What should I say?

One minute?

Two?

Do you have any more to ask?

Although you've been asking
this whole time.

How many seconds?

CHOI JINRI

DEAR JINRI

DIRECTED BY JUNG YOON SUK

Hi!

Hey, Goblin.

Let me find a better angle.

What makes a good speaker?

"The art of speaking."

I typed it in. This is what I got.

"Your words shouldn't be
too light or too heavy."

Where are my words at?

There are so many tips.

These are all instructions on good speech.

"Words that are too light lose respect."

"Words that are too heavy show arrogance."

"There is no such thing as
the art of speaking."

"Because skills do not affect
the essence of words."

"There is no art of speaking."

"Because speech is not about technique."

What does it mean to speak?

I guess I'll just be a bad speaker.

DEAR JINRI