All language subtitles for EXmas 2023

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Christmas is sooner ♪

♪ So much sooner ♪

♪ Than you think ♪

♪ Yeah, baby ♪

♪ It will be here in a blink ♪

♪ Well, Christmas is sooner
than you think ♪

♪ Decorate your house with lights ♪

♪ There's Christmas cards to write ♪

♪ Buy yourself a Christmas tree ♪

♪ And a mistletoe for you and me ♪

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

Happy holidays!

Um...

so, for Christmas... here?
Do you guys wanna come--?

No, I thought we were going to be here.
We're going to his parents' house.

We've gotta just do it.
It'll be all right, I know.

It's gonna be the worst,
is what it's gonna be.

- It-- it will be the worst.
- It's gonna be--

But then we'll be back,
and it will be over, right?

- It will be fast.
- Yeah.

I'll have just been, like, driven insane
by your dad for, like, four days.

We're gonna try and keep them
off the sauce this year. Yeah.

We've got
to keep them off the sauce.

♪ So, let the snow fall white ♪

♪ Some say the stars is white ♪

♪ Let the Christmas spirit reign ♪

♪ And a mistletoe for you and me ♪

So, are you and Graham
talking anymore, even, like?

No. No. We haven't talked.
We're not talking.

His family on the other hand--
they're pretty great.

Just 'cause I dumped him doesn't mean
I have to dump the family.

It kinda does, though.

God, I wish I could dump your family.

I-- I know.

Wish I could dump them
in the garbage.

I want to have
my own pastry truck one day.

- Oh, you bake? Yeah?
- I do.

Taste it, and tell me
if you think I'm crazy.

- Really? Okay.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God. This is so good.

- First cookie's free.
- That's how they get you.

I have a question.
Was this coffee our first date,

or did lunch at the office count?

Good question. Uh,
what if it was coffee today

and also some dinner tonight?

Let's do it.

Oh. I forgot my-- my phone.

You always forget your phone.

So, I'm with the boxes,
and you're with the glasses of wine?

- Yeah. But one's for you.
- Okay.

Welcome home.

- Aw. I love our house.
- I love your house.

- So-- Hey!
- Hey.

- It's our house.
- Thank you.

Bah humbug.

- Cheers!
- Merry Christmas, everyone!

Eh-ow!

Whoa. You looking at porn?

No.

Hey, we're taking tequila shots.
You down?

Uh-- No. Thank you, Mr. Tusk.
I got a lot of work to do.

- That's exactly the answer I wanted.
- Oh.

You're my head designer.
I need you right here.

That's me. Just, uh--
work, work, work, work, work.

Oh. We're moving the launch date
of Poof 'n' Puff up to Christmas.

Christmas like, like--
like next week Christmas?

You get this done, I can grant you
an additional thousand stock options.

And you can maybe buy
something nice for your wife.

Uh, well, my fiancée and I, uh,
called it off, like, six months ago. So--

Oh, that's good.
Eyes on the prize.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

- Hello.
- Hi, sweetie.

Just calling to check in. It's
officially seven days until Christmas,

and we're so excited that you're coming.
Thank you, honey bun.

- Mom-- Mom-- Mom--
- We're gonna do those, uh...

snow angels as soon
as you get here. Okay?

- Hockey.
- Hockey.

Ooh. I know what I wanted to tell you.

I got, uh, the ham, but, uh,
this time I got it from Anthony's.

- I hope you don't mind. Your dad likes it.
- Mom--

They have the best dead pigs.

Oh, my God.

Grahamgy! What do you
call a snowman with a six-pack?

The abdominal snowman!

My barber told me that!

Well, there's
plenty more where that came from.

Mom, I can't barely hear you guys.
Are you on the landline? I can't hear--

The landline has been proven
to have much better sound quality

than a mobile phone.
Everybody knows that.

Fifty years we've had this sucker.

That's absolutely right.

Ohh!

- See? See? And it didn't break.
- That's the good news. Here. Whoops.

It sounds like you've
had it for 50 years.

- Now, where are we?
- Hello?

Yep. Go ahead. We're both here.

I can't come home this year, okay?

- I'm sorry.
- What?

- Is that a joke?
- No.

It's not a joke.
I have a deadline, okay?

I have to be-- I have to get
the game done by Christmas.

- Don't kid with Mommy.
- I'm not kidding.

- Don't kid with Mommy.
- I'm sorry.

Don't kid with Mommy, honey.

I have a deadline of Christmas,
and I have to work.

- No, no.
- No, no.

Okay.

Graham, you've got to come home.

Your mother has been decorating
the house since Halloween!

Yeah.
She does that every year, Dad.

Okay. You know what,
here's what we'll do.

- I'll call your boss, all right?
- No.

I'll call your boss
and explain the situation

that we take Christmas very seriously.

No. I'd really prefer you not to do that.

You know what I think is really happening?

I think this has less to do with work
and maybe a lot more to do with Ali.

- Ali.
- Because, well---

'Cause, 'cause what, Dad?

'Cause Ali dumped me? Ditched me?
Ripped out my heart, stomped on it?

- Okay.
- This has nothing to do with that.

I have a deadline. I have to run.
I gotta work.

- I can't even hear you on the landline.
- No, no, no, no.

- Graham! Graham!
- Goodbye.

It's the gift
that matters most this Christmas.

Because after all, who wants
to be alone for the holidays?

Tired? Stressed? Single?

What is this ad for?
Who's this ad for? Who made this?

No, no, no, no.

Remote. Remote. Remote.

You can do this. Graham, you got this.

Okay. Ready.

Set.

Yes! No!

This holiday season...

...the freezing temperatures

won't show any mercy to the poor animals
who have been left outside.

Abandoned. Forgotten.

I'm the dog. Great.

Lonely. Hungry.

They have no shelter,
and they need your help.

Call or text now to donate

and make a difference
in an animal's life this holiday season.

Well, Graham.

This is rock bottom.

I gotta book a flight.

Thank you for flying
with us today, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Minnesota,

a winter wonderland.

With just three days left
until Christmas, happy holidays.

♪ O, jingle bells, jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Hey ♪

Thank you.

Okay. Here we go.

I wish Heather
could have come.

I know,
but she's busy with her podcast.

It's called, uh,
Don't Tie Me Down.

- And it's all about singles in the city.
- Ah--

She talks about polyamory

and, um, not kind of feeling
constrained or non-committal.

Polyamory?
Didn't they play Coachella?

Yeah. I think they did. Yeah.

What? Um-- What is that?

It's for Aunt Mildred.

Oh, she's gonna love it.
She needs that.

- Yeah. It's just a...
- Surprise!

Your second favorite son
hath returneth.

It's a Christmas miracle!

Graham, what are you doing here?

Uh... nothing, Mom, just
spending Christmas with my family.

- But you were-- you-- you--
- Don't have any bags?

No, they lost everything. All my clothes,
the amazing gifts I got you guys.

Thank God I held onto my laptop.

You know,
when I pictured this in my head,

there was, like, tears
of happiness and joy and--

Oh, honey! Oh, Graham,
I'm so happy you're here!

- Oh, Graham!
- Thank you for coming home!

You might want to tell your face.

- Graham is here!
- I love you.

- Yay, Graham.
- Thank you.

- Okay, let's hug outside.
- Yes, let's do that.

- Wanna see the Nativity?
- Oh, good. Take a gander at that.

- And I'll go to the kitchen.
- Oh, I'm starving. I'm so hungry.

Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, please, sandwiches.

Did Ali send cookies?
She sent cookies? What are you doing?

Well, I found all of these
in the back clo-- shit!

Is that Ali?

Shut up.

Well, I thought--
I thought you said he was working.

He said he was working!

When has he ever said that
and then shown up somewhere?

What are you doing here?

I-- I was invited.

No, no.

I'm pretty sure when you
uninvited me from your life,

you uninvited you from Christmas!

Graham, that's not really true.

We knew she'd be alone
for Christmas, so we invited her.

I'm sorry. How did you know that?

Well...

- We keep in touch.
- Yeah.

- You keep in touch?
- We keep in touch, yes.

We text. Uh, she posted
that she was on vacation.

I swiped up, and, you know,
next thing you know we're DM-ing.

- Then texting--
- Texting and...

And now we're on day
75 of Wordle.

...of Wordle,
and you're, like, incredible.

- No.
- Last night you got it in like two tries?

What was the word?

Death!

Cool. Oh, my God, that's so wild.

- Text and--
- Why?

Graham, Ali has been a part
of our family for a very long time.

You can't just flip that off
like a light switch.

That's literally what she did to me.

Okay, you know what, actually--
I think it's time to get my ring back.

Oh, the ring. My ring?
The one you gave me.

Well, I thought about it,
and I like it too much, okay?

It's very pretty on the hand.
And also, I didn't want to hurt you.

Why didn't you just say,
"Hey, Graham, let's talk about things.

Let's try and work through this."

I literally said so many times,
"Hey, we need to talk."

- Pffft.
- "We need to work on things."

But you never processed it,
Mr. Lack of Self-Awareness!

Oh, I am like a wolf in the jungle, okay?
I'm always aware.

- Okay, I'd hit that.
- What?

I said I would hit that.

- Uh-huh.
- No. Do you know what that means?

Putting an end to something.
I'm putting an end to this conversation.

No, that's not what it means.
Have you been saying this to people?

I said it yesterday to the pharmacist.
What does it mean?

You guys can talk about what it means
when I'm very, very far from here.

- What does it--
- And right now, everyone...

everyone needs to understand
Ali and I are over.

So, you know what?
This is super unfair.

She broke up with me.

But I'll go. Merry Christmas.

I should go?

I don't wanna. Okay, fine, I'll go.

Hey, isn't that baby Jesus's job?

Just don't break anything
'cause Mom's gonna be so mad.

You guys plan on telling me about this
or just keep it a secret forever?

Can you blame us?
You're kind of freaking out!

Of course I'm freaking out.
Wouldn't you be?

- So, what do you wanna do?
- I dunno.

Literally every hotel in town is booked,
even the Holiday Inn.

Yeah. Maybe you could stay
in a manger.

Ha ha.

Everybody is so hilarious today.

I'm gonna fly home.

I love you, but you have your head
so far up your own butt

that you can basically
lick your own tonsils.

Ew, what?

Okay. How do you
expect me to react, hmm?

You invited
my ex-fiancée to Christmas!

- Technically, Mom invited her.
- Oh, that's fine, then.

But I get it, I get it. It's weird.

No, actually, you don't get it.

You know, Ali never gave me
one real reason why she dumped me.

Not one.

She didn't say anything to you,
did she?

No, we didn't really talk
about that stuff.

And every time Ali was here,
you were off in your own little world.

- What does that mean?
- Grandma's 90th?

- Well, it's not a hundred.
- Well, she showed up.

Also, when Heather and I
got our place, who helped us move?

I offered to pay for movers.

And... moving sucks!

I know it does, which is why
I needed your help.

I dunno, I think Mom's gonna
invite Ali to a lot of holidays now.

Like Cinco de Ali.

Could you imagine?

Or, um... Easter Ali Day.

- No.
- That wasn't great.

- Ali-ween!
- Oh, God.

Ali Fool's. Ali Fool's
is the--that was-- also fine.

Okay, look, I know you're joking,
but you're not wrong.

Mom and Dad are so sweet
and so naïve, they can't move on.

No. No, which is why
you and Ali need to--

I need to show them how evil she is.

- No.
- Yes!

That's not what I was gonna say.

You're a genius, okay?
I know what I have to do.

I have to get Mom and Dad
to dump Ali before Christmas.

Otherwise, I'm gonna have
to share my family forever.

Okay. I'm gonna pretend like you're
not going absolutely insane right now.

- Can we please go inside?
- We have to go inside, okay?

'Cause every second she's in there is
another chance for her to steal my family.

What are we still doing here?
We got to save Christmas, come on!

- Oh, my God.
- Mind!

- I'm coming.
- Move it!

Oh, my God. I'm scared.

Well, I mean, my Dad
and his new girlfriend

did technically invite me
to join them in Hawaii.

Well, it doesn't sound like
you're too fond of his new girlfriend.

Well, I don't really know
the new girlfriend.

I mean,
there's one every, like, two weeks.

And it's always someone named
Bunny or Cookie or Maple Syrup.

Uh, they all sound sweet and sticky.

His good taste started
and ended with my mother.

Oh, honey.
I know how much you miss her.

But you always have a place here.
You're part of our family, you know it.

- Mom?
- Well, well.

Has my son finally come to his senses?

Well, Mom...

I will admit I may not have handled

this whole situation
as well as I could have.

But then I realized it's Christmas,

and there is more than enough
holiday spirit to go around.

Well,
that is wonderful to hear.

Mm-hmm.

Wow, that's-- that's
really big of you, Graham.

Hello!

Look at this old vagrant
I picked up from grad school!

God, Dad.

"Vagrant" is a derogatory term
blaming the unhoused for their own situ--

- Sweet baby of Bethlehem!
- Okay, whatever.

Did I have too much nog at the office,
or is this my firstborn standing there?

Surprise!

Oh, hey, buddy.

Elliot! Oh! How'd the Psych final go?

- "A"-minus!
- What?

I couldn't have done it without you
and all the FaceTime study sessions, Ali.

- FaceTime study sessions.
- Yes. Aww. Congratulations.

That's such a nice moment
between you guys.

I mean, it wasn't an "A," so.

I'm so glad that you two
finally patched things up!

- Oh, no. We didn't patch any--
- No, it's just a temporary patching--

It's a try-not-to-
kill-each-other sort of thing.

Okay. Well, then,
I'm sorry that I said anything.

But it's great that you're here.
Hey, what about all your work?

Oh, no, no.
I still have to do all of that.

Yeah. I'm on a deadline.

But...

I also realized that
a Stroop family Christmas

wouldn't be the same
without all of the Stroop kids, so.

Oh, yay. It looks like we're having

an honest-to-goodness
Stroop family Christmas.

Let's make reindeer food!

Oh, I'll grab the Christmas vinyl!

- I got the wine!
- I love it.

- Graham!
- Yeah?

- Hey.
- Hey.

I just wanted to say that, um...

I would never have come here

if your parents hadn't sworn
you'd be in L.A.

But now that we are here, together...

uh, do you wanna maybe talk about it?

- Talk about what?
- Our separation.

Oh, that.

No, thank you.

Graham?

You didn't want to talk about it then.
I don't wanna talk about it now.

So... let's just not talk about it.

Are you sure?

Ali, we're both grownups here,
so let's just act like grownups.

- Hey, Graham?
- Yeah?

Which couch do you want me
to set up for you?

The one in the basement
is more comfortable,

but the new one in the game room
doesn't smell like cat pee.

RIP, Mister Cinnamon.

Yeah, so that means that Ali was,
uh, set up in my room?

You know what? I'm gonna just move--

Yeah, because she was here.

Because Pamela Anderson
and Wolverine

staring at me
from the wall's kinda creepy.

No, no, no, no.

Joseph would never let Mary
sleep on the couch, right?

That's the man I raised.

Yeah. The clean couch, please.

- You got it.
- Thank you.

- Graham...
- Yes?

What's going on?

I know you,
and you're acting... weird.

I'm fine.

In fact, I'm super.

Hey, fam! How do we feel
about a game night tonight?

- Did somebody mention a game night?
- You bet.

Okay, well, I got the supplies.

Whoo-hoo-hoo,
gonna need more than that.

Who's hungry,
what can I make ya?

- Yes!
- I am. Starving.

♪ Everybody's singin',
laughin' up and down the way ♪

♪ Goin' all around
for a jolly, jolly day ♪

♪ Everybody's boppin' ♪

Coming in hot.

Quip.
'Cause I'm full of quips, baby.

- Good for you, baby.
- Let's go.

Whoo-hoo! That was my "Q."

Do you know how hard it is
to get rid of a "Q"?

I know, and when you
have a "U" and an "I,"

and then every other letter
on your board to create an entire word--

"Quilting," using each and every
one of my letters. It's empty.

Empty slate.

- Uh, no, no, no. Challenge, challenge.
- Here I go.

You misspelled "quitting,"

which is surprising
'cause you're really good at it.

True, it's no "cat"
for seven points, but it is--

I had no letters, 'kay?

- Whoo, 96 points!
- Good for you, Ali.

- Wow. Everyone cheer for Ali.
- Fun! Good for you.

Yay, Ali! Cheers!

- I was--
- To Ali. I'm glad you're here, Ali.

I was joking.
All right, let's play another game.

- Ooh. Let's play Werewolf.
- Yes!

Let's play!

Look at her. She's playing you.

She's been picking off our family...

- ...one by one. Okay?
- Oh, my God.

She's the werewolf.
I'm a villager, I swear.

Eh-- Of course, you'd say
your ex is the monster.

I mean, I know you guys
don't wanna see it, but like--

he's obviously the werewolf.

Villager. This is a villager outfit.

Okay? This is not a werewolf outfit.
This is the werewolf.

Please, I know you don't
wanna see it, but your son,

your precious firstborn,

he is... the werewolf.

- Okay. Okay.
- Believe me. I swear.

Look me in the eye

and swear to me
that you're a villager.

I swear...

on the spirit of Christmas...

that I am just a villager.

- Wow.
- That's very convincing.

- Very convincing.
- All righty.

I can't compete with that.

- Time is up.
- Werewolf!

Werewolf! Werewolf!

Villager.

Oh, my God!

You guys bought it.

Whoa! I'm so sorry.
All you were fooled.

Especially you. So gullible!

I am the werewolf.
How about that?

Whoo! Ahh! Feels good.

But you swore
on the spirit of Christmas.

Yeah. Too far.

Well, I just--

Well, I didn't it mean it like that.

I didn't mean it like-- for real.

I think I'm done with game night.

- No!
- Me, too.

Oh.

Get you picked up here.

That was super fun, everybody.

Just because
of that horrible thing Ali said?

The object of the game is to...

You wanna watch
a movie or something?

Thanks, guys.

Do you have anything in mind?

I don't know.

Well, that was
really horrible what she said.

Oh, boy. You know, I had
a feeling your competitive spirit

might get you into a little bit
of trouble with the Stroop fam.

I see. You're trying
to make me look bad.

I didn't even have to try.

My family will work up the courage

to ask you to leave
before Christmas morning.

You wanna-- you wanna bet?

Oh. Yeah. It's a bet.

By Christmas morning, you're gone.

Or you're gone. Hmm.

Only one can stay.

And that goes
for every holiday forever.

- Great.
- Great.

- We're on.
- We're on.

...control tonight, they are
showing this Calgary team how it's done.

- And here we go.
- Anderson's coming up the corner there.

- He has the puck.
- Over to Sam Hoesley.

- Oh, my gosh.
- He shoots. He scores!

Yeah, baby.

- Yes. Okay, okay, okay.
- That's crazy.

Gosh. Okay. French toast
is almost ready, everybody.

Unless you want something else,
I can make it for you.

How about some
blueberry pancakes?

- Well, I've got French toast.
- But everybody likes your blueberry--

Yes, they do. I can make you some--
Honey, are you up?

- I am now.
- Morning, Graham.

- I'll help you after the commercial.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Thank you for coming
to join me on my bed.

Okay. Let's keep it down.
He's trying to sleep.

Oh, yeah. Now's a good time
to keep it down. I gotta pee.

You want coffee?

There you go. All right.

Yes, please.

Ali, I gotta go.

Come on.

Your hair looks as good
as it's gonna look.

Come on.

Hurry up.
Come on. Let's go.

Ali.

Sounds like an emergency.

- Very funny.
- Coming.

Gotta go. Gotta go. Gotta--

- There you are. Thank you so much.
- It's all yours.

Sweetheart.
Is Heather not coming for sure?

I've got her veggie bacon.
Nobody else eats it.

No, I told you, she's doing
Christmas with her family.

I feel like it's because
I didn't ask her myself.

- No. That's not why.
- I didn't ask her. That was wrong.

No, no, no. She says hi.
And she misses us--

You know what?
I'm gonna give her a call.

- Please don't. Don't call her.
- No, I think that would work.

- No, no, no.
- Everybody likes to get a call.

No, no, no, no, no. God!
Where's the plunger?

Code red! Code red! Code red!
Code red! Get the towels!

- What?
- I'll get the mop.

Okay. Nobody panic.
I'll get the towels.

I'll get the towels. I'll get the towels.
Oh, I'll get the towels. Nobody panic.

Did you not read the sign?

Didn't anyone read the sign?
Why didn't you read the sign?

There was no sign.

Get the towels! Save the carpet!

That's a big puddle.
Oh, my God.

Don't let it out of the bathroom!

You're doing great, Dad.
You're doing great.

- Can you stop filming and help us!
- Stop filming!

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

I'm gonna cram it up your ass!
Get over here and plunge!

- Oh! My socks! It's getting wet!
- That was disgusting!

Don't worry about your socks.
Save the carpet!

Oh, God. So much water!

- We need a plunger!
- I got it! I got it!

We're clear!

Thank you, Ali.
You are our hero.

- Mom?
- Jeannie!

Someone stole the baby Jesus.

Jeannie!

- Mom!
- Jeannie?

Mom, are you okay?

Look! Someone stole the baby Jesus!

Oh, Mom.
My God, we thought you were hurt.

I am hurt. My heart
is being torn out of my chest.

I've had that baby Jesus
since before you were born.

Who would do such an awful thing?

I dunno. Probably
just some teenagers, Mom.

Or... or somebody new here

who hates to see our family happy.

- Hmm.
- What?

Graham, you're obviously talking
about Ali. Ali is not new here.

She's been with us for five years.
She's not gonna steal the baby Jesus.

- I didn't say anything.
- You know what?

I can go get one. Yeah, I'll pick one up
from the store, put it in place,

and meet you guys
back at the lot, okay?

- Oh, Ali.
- Oh. You're the best, Ali.

You're a Christmas angel.
You're saving the day.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, no. I'll go, Mom.

I'll-- I'll save the day. She won't
know which one to get anyways, so.

- I think I can manage.
- She can't.

I know how to go to a store and shop.

I have maternal instincts
and ovaries, and...

We haven't seen them.

And I know what babies look like.
I don't know that he knows--

I'll go without ovaries.
I'll pick the perfect baby Jesus.

Oh, for God's sake,
just both of you go. Here.

Oh. There's a key in here somewhere.

- That's right.
- Okay.

- Have fun.
- Yeah, right.

Christmas crisis averted.

Well, that's one off the list, anyway.

I have a list, Dennis.

This is fine.
We look normal, just act normal.

We look great, okay?
You look-- actually that looks nice.

You're doing-- that was
a compliment. What are you--

It's fine. What?

So, does it have to be total war
between us this entire holiday?

Uh-- you know, I am tempted
to say no, but...

hmm... yeah, probably.

You never supported me.
Why should I support you now?

- What is that supposed to mean?
- What is that supposed to mean?

Real mature.

Oh, okay, you're here trying
to steal my family. That's pretty mature.

I'm not trying to steal your family.
You don't even like your family.

I-- what?

You're dismissive of your family
and dismissive of me. And my feelings.

Wow. Well, I'm gonna
dismiss that comment, okay?

And you can leave
and surrender any time you want.

- Never. Hmm.
- Never. Okay.

- What is going on here? Is this it?
- Well, I think this is it.

We've arrived at our options.
This is, uh...

- Yikes.
- Rubber ducky Jesus.

- Is this all right for a manger?
- This is sad.

This is the bottom--

the absolute bottom
of the Nativity barrel.

Is that even a thing for sale?

Or did someone just make it
and put it in the bin?

It might win.
I got Tyrannosaurus Jesus.

Oh, this is quiet an ironic way
to teach creationism.

Oh, don't bring that up
with Jeannie, okay? Just--

- Oh, no, I'm bringing it up.
- Don't bring it up.

- These little arms--
- She will kick you clean--

You know what, bring it up with her.
Talk to her about it, see what happens.

- Ohh, hmm.
- Okay?

This is big 'cause it cries.
It belongs in the manger.

That's generous.
That is not a baby.

I don't know,
he's got a little diaper.

Just 'cause he's--
That's his robe!

And he makes a baby sound, listen.

Wah! Can you believe that?
What about you?

All right. Make this guy roar.

Very nice.

I gotta take this, hold on.

Hello. Hey, Mr. Tusk, yes?

I know.

Christmas Day, I know.

Coming up fast. Yes, sir.

I'm on it, okay?

I will take care of it right away.
Okay. Okay, bye.

Ready?

Okay, let's go.

Been ready.

- I'll hold them.
- I'll hold them.

Well, Graham said it was slim pickings.

It's all they had left.
Now, it looks like a little T-rex...

- Uh-huh.
- ...who won a pageant.

There's nothing
baby Jesus about it at all.

- Well, it'll work for now.
- Yeah.

Oh. Oh, we're in trouble.

Yeah. We're gonna burn in hell.

Okay. Let's go get ready for that party.

Wow, I kinda forgot
how big this thing is.

Oh, yeah. It is the social event
of the holiday season.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

Oh, no.

- What?
- Oh, no.

- D-d-- nothing. Shut up.
- Oh. What?

Shh!

I almost forgot about
your irrational hatred of goats.

- Hey, Santa!
- Ohh!

Place looks great.

You're gonna move
a ton of inventory this season!

Oh, I hope so.
We got two mortgages on the house.

- Oh, boy.
- But why the goat?

Well, we had to change things up
after last year's fiasco with the bunnies.

But they were so cute.

Yeah, they were cute, but now there's
like 300 of them living in the park.

What's wrong with goats?

She has an irrational fear
after one of 'em headbutted her

when she was a kid.
She thinks they're all evil.

They have rectangular pupils, Dennis.

You know what, forget about the goat.

Why don't you say hi to the team.
Hey, Brady!

Graham!

It's been a while, man!

Yeah. Yeah, been a while.

Who is this beauty by your side?

Oh, Dennis, you know him.
He's your boss.

- Hi. Uh, I'm Ali. Mayer.
- Hi.

Uh, I'm not by his side.
He's-- he's my...

- Ex-fiancé.
- Ex.

Wow, Graham. You let her go?
That was a big mistake.

No, no, no, no. Her mistake, actually.
Yeah, she let me go, so...

Well, we didn't mean to interrupt you.

I know you were telling a story
to your friends there.

No, no, no, no.
I've lost my train of thought.

Yeah. Well, talking's confusing.

Uh, anyway,
back to selling cars, I guess.

Okay. Well, wow. I think you're
just being a little bit frosty here

because you were offered a job here.

You didn't take it. Brady got it.
Now he's head salesman.

- Number one.
- Smells like number two.

Mmm, and who could forget
when Brady beat out Graham

for captain of the hockey team
in 12th grade?

And we won state that year.

Oh. Yes, you did.

Oh, and in 9th grade you both wanted
to play the scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz.

You got it, and you played
the Mayor of Munchkinland.

But you were so good.
He was a lot smaller back then.

Yeah. This has been so fun.

You know what, I am going
to go hang with the baby demon.

I'm gonna get back
to selling some cars.

You guys tried the eggnog?
It's really good.

- Spicy.
- So, Ali, are you, uh--?

So, okay, you're still doing that-- Okay.
Hey, you two have fun.

- Can I interest you in a ride?
- Good one, Brady.

- The ride of your life?
- Um...

There you go. Hey, you're pretty cute.

Little bigger than I thought.

This party sucks.

I couldn't agree more.

I'm Graham.

I know, I'm Jess.

What do you mean you know?

We actually went to school together.

I was a few grades below you.
You played hockey with Brady.

- Uh-huh.
- You should've been captain that year.

Thank you. Thank you.

That is the nicest thing anyone's
said to me in a long time.

- Do you want a drink?
- Lead the way.

Oh, one second.

Okay, let's go.

Thank you so much
for all coming out today.

The reason for the season
of course is love.

- Love.
- That's exactly right.

But it is also the time for a good deal
with a fair price on automobiles.

And just because they're used
doesn't mean they're bad.

It's like me.

Jeannie just does everything.

You know, she painted the windows here.
Took her two weeks.

I-- I said,
"Can we hire someone?"

"No, they like the way
you do it, Jeannie."

We really can't afford it.

Jeannie is my own personal Santa Claus.

And of course, nothing runs without her.

Yeah, Mom!

Jeannie keeps the elves in check
and the presents on time,

and I just love her to death.

Aww.

- Now, we met at the U of M.
- Go, Gophers!

And specifically at a Christmas party,

and that is why today has always
been so special to all of us.

And as you know, this is the season

where we think about love
and peace and happiness.

And of course, family.
That's what this is all about.

Honey, it's family.
Family, family.

Thank you so much to the carolers.

And of course, Gumdrop the Goat,
whose real name's Stingray.

That's a Christmas
present right there.

- Yeah.
- Well, I hope everybody has a good time.

Eat, drink, and be merry!

- Oh, no.
- And buy some cars!

And buy some cars!

- Ali, don't be afraid.
No, no, no.

No, no.

- Oh, is she okay?
- Good goat. Good goat. Good goat.

Ali, take off.

- No.
- No.

What is it doing to me?

Your parents ended the night early.

Yeah.

Um, it's kinda their anniversary,
if you know what I mean.

Every year they go home early
for intercourse.

Thank you, Elliot!
Yeah, that's what I meant.

- That's very healthy!
- Yeah.

The rest of us just come here
to drink until the coast is clear.

Well, maybe it's time for you
to take me home, yeah?

Oh, okay that's my cue to leave.

Hi. I'm Ali.

Jess, I've heard so much about you.

You have?
What did you hear?

You know-- on that note,
I'm gonna get another one.

I don't even need one, but I think
I should probably get another one.

So, Jess, I just wanna say,
between us girls,

I am so happy for Graham
that he finally found someone

who's okay with his, you know,
little candy cane problem.

Whoa... disappointed.

But you know, he'll tell you
that it's never happened to him before,

and he just wants
a little shoulder rub and a cuddle.

Well, you know what people say.

Every couple has their own chemistry.

Well, that's not chemistry, that's...

Physics.

Mm-hmm.

Has he told you he loves you yet?
He'll tell you tonight.

I wonder what she's
saying about you, dude.

Oh, thank you.
Are you trying to tell me something?

Melinda Persephone Stroop.

You are such a buzzkill!

What are you talking about?
What are you doing?

Oh, just enjoying my life!

Enjoying your life
cheating on Heather?

I'm not cheating on Heather.

I'm not cheating on Heather,
by the way. I'm single.

Oh, you're not cheating on Heather?
What do you call that?

This seems like a private moment.

I'm single. Thank you.

What are you talking about?

Well, maybe if you actually asked
about Heather, then you would know.

How are things with Heather?

We broke up, okay?

I'm so sorry.

I know how much you love her.
This must be so hard.

Yeah. Sometimes love isn't enough.

Hey...

- Can you give us a... second?
- It's okay. Ali knows.

Aw, sweetie.

You told Ali. Why didn't you tell me?

I dunno, because I was...
embarrassed to admit that,

you know, my shit's
as messed up as yours.

I didn't want to Stroop
down to your level--

stoop down to your level.

Hi. Um, this might be bad timing,

but that's my number.

Uh, good kiss. Sorry.

No, I'm sorry for interrupting.

Bye!

She's single.

- Quinn.
- She's cute.

- She's really cute.
- Mm-hmm.

- And I still got it.
- Okay.

And I still got it.

All right. We're gonna
got you some water, okay?

But I already like that girl
more than Heather, so...

- Really?
- Yeah.

Here is my number.

Maybe you could tuck me into bed later.

Oh, wow.

Give me your phone.

Oh, yeah, it's right--

Here it is. It's locked.

- I'm sorry.
- Okay. Here's my number.

Oh, thank you.

Ouch.

Boop.

Oh, my God, that was-- sexy.

- Did you like that?
- I love that.

It, like, loved you.

Thanks, Mike.
These are on him. Okay?

- You'll call me?
- Yes.

Oh, no, no, no, one.
You get one. You get one.

I'm gonna call you right now.

Okay. All right.
Almost home.

- Shh, shh, shh!
- That was so much fun.

Come on, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everyone shoes off. Shoes off.

You gotta get shoes off
of her and change.

Shh, shh!

Okay. But actually, what if we
wake Mom up 'cause she'll cook?

Mom!

Elliot! Elliot, God!

It makes me so happy
that we're all hanging out,

but sad that you guys
aren't getting back together.

Oh...

I want a little kissy.
Give me a little kissy. Come on.

No, no-- oh, God, oh, God!
No, no. This way. This way!

- Someone get her water.
- Get her hair! Get her hair!

- I'm trying so hard here, Graham.
- I just--

I don't really know
what else you want from me.

Well, you don't talk about it. You just--

I do, I do. I talked about it before,
but you never listen to me

because it's always about you
and your job and your work.

That's all anything is ever about.

- Okay. So, I have a few ideas.
- Okay, hit me with them.

I dunno, I've been thinking
about Frosti by Ali.

- Frosti?
- Frosty like the Snowman.

- With "I's" instead of "Y's."
- Yeah.

Al...

Um...

I love you so much,
and I was gonna wait to do this.

And I had this whole big thing.
But I can't-- this is like--

I just gotta-- I love you so much.
Will you marry me?

We're engaged!
We're getting married!

Oh, my God, look at my hands.

All right. Who's ready
for some male bonding?

What are you doing here?

We invited her. A little "bonding"
might do these two some good.

Gross.

And I couldn't give up the chance
to spend some quality time

with my favorite ex-father-in-law--

- Thank you.
- No. No, no, no.

Ali, this is a guy's trip, okay?

It's about farting and burping
and just telling stupid jokes.

Oh, settle down, Graham.

We could use a little
female energy in the Stroop shack.

What are you talking about?

The whole point of these trips
is to avoid female energy.

Times change, and if you
don't change with them,

you're gonna end up
marrying your own hand.

He's meaning masturbation.

Thank you, Elliot. I got that.

Oh, God. I don't wanna
alarm anybody,

but it looks like
baby Jesus is missing again.

What?

- Oh, no!
- Oh, boy.

- I don't think we should tell Mom.
- No, no, no!

- Don't tell Mom.
- No, no, no, no, no, no!

Let's just drive.

How's everything in L.A.?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
L.A., it's warm.

It's warm, and it's nice.
Job's really good.

- How about you, Ali?
- Oh, good.

So, my whole life is so perfect.

I love my house,
which is really more of a home,

as you can probably tell
from all the FaceTimes.

Very nice.

I know. I got kicked out of it.

Darn it, I forgot my joint.

Oh, Dennis!

I didn't know you were
a cannabis connoisseur.

Well, my doctor prescribes it
for chronic back pain.

Well, he didn't really prescribe it.
He handed it to me at a party.

Mom can't stand the smell of weed.

She only lets him do edibles
in the house.

Are you two dating?
Not each other, but are you dating?

- Yeah. Yeah, everyone.
- Everyone?

Yeah. Not discriminating
against any dating app.

- Just going headfirst.
- Wow, that's disgusting.

Well, everybody has different beliefs.

I, for one, don't think COVID's real.

Do you mind pointing
the heater towards me

for a second there, Dennis, please?

No, you don't have to do that.
It's fine where it is.

- It's getting everybody, I think.
- How's that?

- Whoo, it is good.
- Good?

It's not a problem. There you go.
There, are you happy?

Oh, God, yeah. That's good.

Guys! I think I got something!

- Oh!
- Okay, just be gentle.

- There you go, Elliot. Gentle, gentle.
- Aah! Help me!

- Don't gentle! Reel it in fast!
- No, no, go gentle.

- I'm trying!
- Can you please point it towards me?

- We're gonna have it for everybody.
- Can I please have it?

If you're so cold,
maybe go back to California.

Graham!
Let me have it. I'm freezing!

- Okay, good.
- Give me the damn heater!

Fine! Want it?

- What'd you do?
- What do you mean, what did I do?

- What the hell?
- You asked for it, so I gave it to you!

We could've all been electrocuted.

This is the worst
Christmas Eve I've ever had.

Well, I'm sorry we didn't
tell you it was missing sooner.

- Mimosa?
- I'd like a mimosa.

Okay, let's go.

Please save some of those
for me to nibble on later. Just a few.

'Cause they add a nice crunch to it.

I understand,
but I just like nibbling a little bit.

Oh, still no luggage, I see.

How can you tell? The, uh,
ginormous pants or the itchy sweater?

- Oh, honey, I love it. It looks festive.
- It's the pants?

It's festive, all right.

Now, more importantly,
where are Dad's Christmas cookies?

I've been here two days
and haven't had one.

Well, you're not gonna see them
because ever since Ali

got that write-up in L.A. Magazine,

your dad decided too much competition.

We're letting Ali do all the baking.

- What write-up?
- What?

- Just a profile thing.
- Oh, just a--!

It was L.A. Magazine.
It was huge.

They said that ever since Ali
took over Laila's Cafe,

it's become a Westside staple

and that Angelenos are now
hungering to see what she'll do next.

Wow, someone memorized it.

Yeah.

That's great, Al. So, you quit
your accounting job to bake?

Well, it was a long time coming.

Yes, it was, missy.

That's awesome.

What are you gonna do next?
Are you gonna do the bake truck?

Uh... well, thank you
for remembering that.

No, um-- well, I mean, maybe.

I don't-- I don't know yet.

- What's stopping you?
- Well, the plan was...

I was supposed to get a truck
and fix it up,

but the car guy who promised
to help me do that... didn't.

Oh, wh-what guy was that?

It's Graham.
It's Graham, Mom, you know?

Sounds like a bit of a-- a jerk.

He sure does, Mom.
He sounds like a huge, huge jerk.

And I bet he would love
to help you out now

if you needed me to look at a car.

Just like as a friend
and a one-time thing.

It's a little too late now.

Doo-doo-doo!
The ham's in the smoker!

- Yay!
- Dad dropped it!

Okay. Snitches gets stitches, Elliot.

You dropped it in the pool!

It'll make it tastier.
Listen, the dressing is done.

So... maybe we could
put on my favorite?

Basic Instinct?

- I'm kidding. White Christmas it is.
- Yeah, great.

Yes, Rosemary Clooney
was my first crush.

Do I smell like turkey?

So, Ali, is the whole
food truck thing that--

Is the food truck thing the re--

Okay. Something tells me
you don't want to talk about it right now.

Okay, fine. Fine, fine, fine.

You wanna play that game.

I will just have to concoct
something unique and amazing

that makes your dish taste like farts.

♪ Well, all I want
for Christmas is my baby ♪

♪ All I want for Christmas is that maybe ♪

♪ She will tell me yes
and maybe be my wife ♪

♪ Honey, I been lookin' for ya
all my life ♪

♪ All I want for Christmas is that maybe ♪

♪ All I want for Christmas is my baby ♪

♪ You can keep the Christmas bows,
white and blue ♪

♪ 'Cause all I want for Christmas
is little old you ♪

♪ I don't like eggnog ♪

♪ Presents ♪

♪ Or the mistletoe ♪

♪ I don't like sleighrides ♪

♪ Carols ♪

♪ And I hate the snow ♪

♪ All I want for Christmas is my baby ♪

♪ All I want for Christmas is that maybe ♪

♪ She will tell me yes
and maybe be my wife... ♪

Oops, did I use
all the butter on my dish? Sorry, Al.

♪ All I want for Christmas is my baby ♪

♪ All I want for Christmas is that maybe ♪

♪ You can keep the Christmas bows,
white and blue ♪

♪ 'Cause all I want for Christmas is you ♪

- What is that?
- It's a cheese-mix soufflé.

- Is that what it should look like?
- I don't know. It's French.

Welp, looks like our
special guest has arrived.

Wouldn't be Christmas Eve
without our number one salesman.

Why would you invite him?

Anyway, be nice.
Can somebody get the door?

- I'll get it.
- I'll get it.

- Okay, I'll get it.
- I'll get it.

- Hey... Jess?
- Hey, got your text.

Right. The text that I--
sent you earlier. Great.

Hey, bro.

- Yes.
- Oh, mistletoe.

- Huh, would you look at that.
- Look at that.

Okay.

Mm... Oh, boy.

Got to tell you, Ali, these cookies
are just jingling my balls

in all the right places.

- Ew, Dad.
- Bells. Bells.

I know what you mean.

Well, I'm avoiding them.
Trying to stay in shape, so.

So, you actually chose the pear shape?

Oh, snap!

Ohh!

He went there. Okay.

Sooner or later,
you're gonna get the Stroop chin.

Now you see it. Now you don't.

It's coming. It's coming your way
in about ten years.

Well, I love your shape.
And I stayed away from the sugar, too.

Thank you, Jess. You're so sweet
and funny and kind and beautiful.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

So good. Mmm.

Oh, yeah.

Okay. Starting to sound
a little pornographic in here.

Oh, wow, these are so good!

It's like all the food's
just better this year.

Yeah, food was great.
I mean, it would've been better

if we had fish for the Feast
of the Seven Fishes, right, Dad?

That's your fault.

Oh, come on. Stop it.

What is going on right now?

Well, Graham, it's called fun.
Do you remember? Fun?

Damn, this is good.

What?

What the hell
is wrong with you guys?

You don't know anymore
how to have fun.

- Do you feel okay?
- I feel fine.

- You're so talented, Jeannie.
- That is so realistic.

What?

Oh, my God, the cookies.

What? What about the cookies?

You guys ate the cookies.
You're freaking out.

We didn't touch the cookies.
We're fine.

Ali poisoned you guys.
She's trying to ruin Christmas.

- No.
- Yeah. Ali ?

- I'm eating them, too.
- Wait, am I dying?

Well, Mom, as soon
as you are born, you start dying.

Ali , did you, uh, by any chance
make the cookies with this?

Yeah. The-- the-- the thick butter.

Oh, boy.

Oh, Ali, you sweet dummy--

it's not thick butter.
It's THC butter.

That's my bad back butter.

Ali made the cookies with weed,
Mom. You're all stoned.

Well, I just-- whoops.

You gotta be kidding me.
You hate weed!

Honey, everything
that God creates is perfect.

So, if God created that,
then it's perfect,

and I'm down with the sticky icky.

Oh, my God, this is why
I can never win with this family.

I get caught with a joint,
I get grounded for a month.

But Ali brings Woodstock
to Christmas,

and Mom's down
with the sticky icky?

Well, we were just trying
to be good parents.

No, I'm--

You are good parents.
You're great parents.

You're like the perfect couple
on top of a wedding cake.

Well, not something you'll have
to worry about for yourself for a while.

Oh, crap.

- Thank you, Graham.
- Sorry.

What? What? Melinda?
What does that mean?

- Heather and I broke up.
- What?

She moved out last week.

- Oh, honey.
- Ohh. Mindy, I'm so sorry.

Yeah. I'm sorry that I let you down.

Oh, honey, didn't let me down.

Can't let Mommy down. Never,
nobody can ever let Mommy down.

- Mommy's always up.
- I just miss her, and I just...

feel like I should call her.
I should call her.

No, not now.

Yes. I should tell her how I feel!

Where's my password?
I need to call her!

- Come here, sweetheart.
- Could you type in "Heather"?

Well, why don't we talk about it?
Do it tomorrow.

I need to tell her
that I think that we could--

Yeah. Let's just not do it today.

I'm gonna go, too.

Too much intergenerational
trauma on display here.

Wow, Graham.

You couldn't even sabotage me right.

You know what I think?

I think that you should
just concede now

and take a nice,
safe flight back to L.A.

because it's Christmas Eve,
and that means it's your last chance.

Hey, why don't we get out of here?
Give everyone a moment?

Yeah. I think that's a good idea.
The further away, the better.

Don't forget your secret ingredient.

Yeah, we should, uh--
we should probably head out, too.

Let me take you somewhere
I like to unwind.

Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, they're gone. Let's go.

Do you want some gum?

Sure.

Minty. I took you
for a cinnamon kinda girl.

I'm still trying to find out
if you're a little fruity.

Oh, you know what they say:
everybody's a little fruity.

- Let's find out.
- What?

- Hi.
- You want some gum?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, uh-- you really like gum, huh?

Mm-hmm. Do you wanna
come back to our place?

- Oh, your place?
- This is Randy.

He's, um, my roommate
and special... friend.

Cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Um, one second, okay? Just one.

Oh, he's hydrating. I like that.

I like it. I know you hydrate as well.

Whew! Okay.

Nope, can't do it.
Okay, it's not you. It's me.

You guys are great.
You're both beautiful.

It's awesome.
You're gonna have a great time.

Goodbye!

Surprise.

Oh. Oh, this is where
you come to unwind.

Yeah. It's a place of man
and metal

and pistons and the smell
of burnt gasoline.

- Yeah.
- 440 pound-feet of torque at 2,000 RPM.

Vroom, vroom, vroom,
vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom!

Whew!

It's like taking a gut punch
as soon as you press on the gas.

I'm sorry. I get carried away.
I love my job. Uh...

It's passion, and that's really--
that is something.

Okay. Well, just know, if you're the one
hitting the brakes on this bad boy,

she stops from 65 in only 160 feet.

Is that-- is that good?

- Is that good? It's great.
- Oh.

Plus, you would look amazing doing it.

And you can order it in a custom color
to match your favorite purse.

Are you trying to sell me this car?

Are you trying to buy it?

I guess not.

All right, well, lemme just lock up.

And just so you know,

I would've hooked you up with, like,
a one-year manufacturer's warranty.

Yes. No, sir. No, yeah, yeah. I get it.

Thank you.

I'm just saying,
I don't really think it's realistic.

It's Christmas Eve, and I--

Yes, okay, Mr. Tusk.

I will figure it out.

Yeah, Merry Christmas.

Huh.

- Ow!
- Ow!

What the hell?

Oh, my God. What the hell
are you doing in my room?

Wait, you gave it to me,
remember?

Now that you mention it, I do! Sorry!

What happened to what's-her-face, huh?
Couldn't seal the deal?

Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

You know what, yeah,
the deal was sealed,

except she had a friend,

and he was not my type, so... no.

Shocker, shocker.
Mr. Adventurous.

Oh, how'd it go with Brady?
Was he even into you?

Or did he just want to sell you a car?

Yeah, no. He sold me a car,

and he sold me on his height
and his muscular build.

We're gonna ride off
into the sunset together.

- We are in love now.
- That's great.

You guys can have tiny
little used car salesman babies.

- You want a Volvo?
- And they'll come for Christmas, too.

- God, I hate your face so much.
- I hate you. You know what?

- You are such a dick!
- You are such a--

- I just hate you!
- I hate you so much!

- This is so gross.
- I hate your bangs.

- We are not having sex.
- Of course not.

- I'm serious!
- Me, too.

- No cuddling.
- Ew.

Just shut up.

- You still sleeping?
- Shh. I'm sleeping. Be quiet.

Mm-hmm.

- Should we talk about it?
- No, no. No, I'm still sleeping.

Okay, fine. You fake sleep,
and I'll talk.

Did you kick me out because
of the whole food truck thing?

Well, you are drastically oversimplifying.

But, yeah, I guess it was emblematic.

Okay. Well, I--

I've been thinking, and, um...

not that this makes it okay,
but I think that...

maybe I was retaliating

because I wasn't getting

the encouragement that I needed from you.

I just-- I...

I feel like I wasn't...

always able to be there for you
because I was working so hard

to try and, you know, get promoted

and-- and get bonuses

so that we could build
the life that we wanted.

And we'd get married, and have kids,
and buy a house,

and-- and travel.

And um... I don't know.

I just feel like I was doing
all those things for us,

and maybe I started
to resent the fact

that you weren't
super excited about it.

Yeah.

So, you were focusing
on what you thought I needed,

but what I really needed
was you to just be with me.

Merry Christmas!

Ali, wakey, wakey!

One second!

- What? Ow!
- Get out!

- Just go!
- You get out!

You get out! I'm supposed to be here.

- Where are my clothes?
- This is my bed. I don't know.

Get dressed and hide!

I'm putting some stuff on, okay?
What do you mean, hide?

- Shh! Shh! Shut up!
- Honey, I'm coming in.

- Shh! You shh!
- I'm coming in, Ali.

Come on in!

Merry Christmas, Ali.

- Graham?
- Yeah.

Whatcha doing here?

'Bout to iron some clothes.

This is Ali 's room.

Yeah, we swapped for the night.
She wanted the couch. I dunno.

- I didn't see her down there on the couch.
- I know, weird. That's fine.

There, right there's good. Thank you.

Honey, what's going on?
You're not dressed yet for church.

- I know--
- It's Christmas.

- Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
- Merry Christmas, Mom.

That's why I had the--
had the iron board out.

Um, look-- I can't come to church, okay?

I gotta finish my coding playthrough.
It's not gonna take long.

Graham, for heaven's sake,
you're coming with this family to church.

And don't worry, while you get ready,
you and I are gonna have a little chat.

Freeze. Deal.
I'm in for church. I'm pumped.

But let's talk after.

No, sweetheart, we need to do it now.

Just careful.
Right there's good.

I think that we need, um,
a little private chat about Ali, okay?

- Now?
- Yes, now.

I just-- I just don't
want her to hear, okay, honey?

Well, then...
we better be real quiet.

- Okay.
- Okay.

All right. All I wanna say is...

I know we shouldn't have kept her
coming here a secret from you,

so I do apologize for that.

But I don't think that we're wrong
to extend the invitation and be kind.

Okay. Good talk.

Now, a relationship, Graham,
is a two-way street.

- Mm-hmm.
- And here's the thing--

harboring resentment

is like eating a big bucket
of fried chicken

and then going for a swim.
You sink!

- No. No.
- Yes, it is.

- Yes, it is. You're right. It is.
- It is. You understand now?

It's a weird metaphor, but I'm getting it.

Okay. Well, let me explain this to you.

When your father
and I were first married,

he practically lived at that dealership.

I was alone 24/7 with you kids,
day and night.

It was a lot. I finally had to say,

"Dennis, honey, I need more than
money in the bank. I need a partner."

And not just somebody to talk to,
somebody who's gonna listen to me.

Somebody who understands
how to make me happy.

It's-- it's not just about
achieving your goals.

It's how you get there
together that's important.

And I said to your father,

"If you're not gonna be that man,

I'm gonna go out and find that man."

I said that to your Dad.

- You said that to Dad?
- I meant it.

What did he do?

Well... I don't know.
It wasn't one magical thing.

It was...

It was everything, every day.

He figured it out...

because he really wanted to.

So, anyway, I guess the question is...

do you want to?

Okay, come with me.

We're gonna go through your dad's closet
for some clothes for church for you.

I think there's a vintage suit in there
that should fit you.

♪Joy to the world,
the Lord is come! ♪

♪ Let earth receive her King ♪

- Ali.
- ♪ Let every heart prepare Him room ♪

♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪

- Ali.
- ♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ And heaven, and heaven,
and nature sing ♪

♪ Joy-- ♪

May the peace of Christ,
which surpasses all understanding,

fill your hearts and homes this Christmas.

Hey, go-- go ahead. Go ahead.

We're just gonna--
we're gonna hold back a little bit.

- Go, ahead. Go ahead.
- What are you-- what are you doing?

There's plenty of the little crackers
and the little wine for everyone.

No, I mean why are you
making a scene?

I'm not making a scene, okay?

Look, this morning with my Mom
was a little awkward, okay?

- But last night was...
- Seriously?

- No, just--
- I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry. Great earrings.
Great earrings.

Can you just spit it out?

Last night was amazing!

- Yes?
- In church?

No, at home.

- What?
- Keep your voice down.

Am I wrong?

- Yeah. Okay, we had sex.
- Okay.

You're acting like I humped
some sense into you.

Well, I don't know,
maybe you did, okay?

I'm starting to realize
where we went wrong.

And I think that I can forgive you.

Oh, forgive me?

Okay.

Have you ever stopped
to think that maybe

I should be the one to forgive you?

Oh, I think I know what it is.
Oh, please. Oh, please.

Yes! I got a Soda Stream!

Oh, this is what Mude and Margie have.

Oh, no.
You don't know how happy I am.

Oh, Ali, you did not!

How did you remember
I wanted new hockey gloves?

Because you won't be quiet about it.

That's fantastic.

- Aww.
- Merry Christmas everyone, really.

Uh-oh. Who's that?

I can get it.

Did you invite your sister?

Oh, honey, no.
I wouldn't do that to you.

I wouldn't do that to any of us.

- Hey!
- Hey, Brady!

Brady, what a nice surprise.

- What are you doing here?
- Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

So, I volunteer
for the Knights of Columbus,

and every year we return
lost bags from the airport

so that people can have a nice holiday.

- Oh, my God, that's so nice.
- Aww!

And when I saw whose bag this was,
I had to take it back to G-Man.

- Thank you.
- Ooh!

That's why you're
my number one salesperson.

Number one, right there!

Wait! This means Graham
can give us all his gifts now!

Yeah.

- Did you have time to do it?
- Right in here.

Oh, wow. Yay.

Yay is right.

But I haven't wrapped them yet, so...

Oh, that's okay. Just open it up
and hand them out.

- Okay.
- We're sure they're great.

Drumroll, please.

I don't want to know. No, I want to know.
I really want to know.

Okay. Um, well...

Oh, thank you.

And one for you.

- Thank you, honey.
- And you.

And one for you.

- Oh.
- Wow, all right.

- Neck pillows.
- Neck pillows, you got it.

It's nicer than I even expected.

This would be good for Maria at work.
She can sit on it.

- Since the operation.
- Yeah.

Well, it's for your neck, not her ass.

- Well...
- It could be for both.

...you can talk when you've had
a hemorrhoid removed.

Oh, "Lax." Lax is the designer.

Do you know-- do you know those--
those guys?

- I feel like they're Italian or something?
- It's like LAX, like the airport.

- Oh, right. Fancy.
- You know, it was a last-second trip,

so it was either that or, uh...
one of those crossword books.

It's the afterthought that counts.

You know what, I'm gonna let you guys
enjoy the neck pillows.

- [Jeannie No, no, no, Brady--
- Oh, no, don't go.

Honey, have a seat. I'm gonna grab you
a coffee, join us.

What can I get for ya?

That's very sweet of you.
I'm gonna hit the road.

Jeannie makes
amazing blueberry pancakes.

Dad, shut your face.

Brady, we're about to play some hockey.
You should totally join us.

- Yeah!
- Hockey?

- Yeah.
- On Christmas?

It'll be like old times, man.

Yeah, it would, but--
I mean, it's Christmas.

I'm sure you have other people
to see and things to do.

No, no. This was my last stop.
My gear is in the car.

- Of course, it is.
- Let's do this.

How great for all of us.

- I'll see you guys at the rink.
- Okay.

- All right, this is gonna be awesome.
- See you, Brady.

- Best Christmas.
- I am so pumped about it.

I can't wait to watch him humiliate you
just like when you were a kid.

Great.
Whose turn to open a present?

We got something for you right here,
Graham. Why don't you have that?

Is this one actually for me? What is it?

Well, maybe a new attitude.

Ooh, I hope it's not another ex.

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la ♪

That's right.
Hold it in. Just hold it in.

Hold it in, Jeannie, hold it in.

- Just like old times, huh?
- I feel like you used to be bigger.

What was that?

Whoo!

Come on, Brady!

Whatcha doing down there?

Come on, baby.
Don't be a sore loser.

Go, Mom!

- I didn't hurt you, did I, honey?
- No, no, that's fine.

- Okay.
- Come on!

I'll just take a--
I'll take a breather. Right here.

Whoo!

Come on, let's go!

All right, block her, Dad.
Brady, take one of them out.

- Mama's coming!
- Yeah, Brady, that's it.

Whoa!

Graham, you suck!

- Whoo!
- Okay. Next goal wins!

- Okay, you take out Dad.
- Uh-huh.

- I'll get the puck.
- 'Kay.

- I'll score.
- Okay. You getting hungry?

- No.
- Okay. I'll fix you something after.

Mom, I love you, but you gotta
get your head in the game, okay?

I will. Taking out Dad.
Taking out Dad. Let's go.

Take out Dad. I gotcha.

- Come on, old man!
- Ha, ha, yeah, hang on.

I'm not as young as I used to be. Ooh.

All right. Run some
interference, Mom. Take Dad out!

Look out, baby!

I'm coming for you, Jeannie.
I'm coming for you, Jeannie.

Look out! Get 'em!

Come on! Keep up, old guy!

Oh, God.

Oh, I'll take that, Dad,
thank you very much.

- Ohhh!
- Oh, get up, Dad!

No, no, no, no. Get up.

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

How's it feel, Brady? Let's go.

- Dad?
- Dad? Um?

- Dad? Dad?
- Dad?

- Honey?
- Dad?

- Honey?
- Dad?

- Dennis?
- Dad?

- Graham! Graham!
- Oh, my God.

Dad!

- Honey.
- Oh, my God.

Look out.

Flip him over.
Roll him over. Roll him over.

Be careful, okay?

Okay, help me with his helmet.
Watch his head.

Oh, my God.

I don't have a pulse. Ali, call 911.

Tell them a 63-year-old man
had a heart attack.

We're at the ice arena
on Williston Road.

Come on, sweetheart.
We're right here. Please, Dennis.

...six, seven, eight, nine, ten...

I-I'm with a 63-year-old man
who's had a heart attack.

No, he's unconscious.

Oh, Graham.

My fiancé is doing CPR.

Honey? Come on, Dennis.

Come on. Come on,
sweetheart. Oh, God.

At the ice hockey arena
on Williston. Please hurry.

You got anything?

Come on, honey.
Come on, open your eyes.

Open your eyes, sweetheart.

Come on, it's Jeannie.

Dennis, it's Jeannie.

Please, please.

- It's okay.
- Dad. Dad.

- Come on, Dennis, please.
- Oh, my God.

All right, Dennis, we're gonna get
you in the back of the ambulance now.

- You're gonna be okay, Pop.
- Three, two, one, go.

- The Stroops?
- Yeah.

Come on.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Are you all family?
- Yes.

Okay, great.
So, good news is you saved his life.

Without the CPR, that would've been it.

He's suffered a sudden cardiac arrest,

probably caused
by an irregular heart rhythm.

Is he awake? Can we see him?

He's awake. He's doing fine.

But we still have a lot of tests to do.

So, maybe just one of you right now.

- He's asking for Jeannie?
- Oh, that's me.

- Okay.
- Come on.

You saved his life.

Hello.

Hi, Mr. Tusk.

Yes, of course I know
what day it is. It's Christmas.

Yes, I know what that means.

You know what?

I quit. Merry Christmas.

Well, that was...

- Yeah.
- Wow.

- Yep.
- Okay.

Okay.

I don't have a job, but that's okay.

Are... are you sure?

Yep.

Yeah.

Yeah, I gave that job way too much time.

I-I should've been spending time
with my Dad and my family

and the people that I love.

If he had died, I just, I...

I never would've stopped thinking
about all the time I wasted.

I just, I give him such a hard time,
and he's just the best.

He's always trying

to just make his family happy.

- I'm such a horrible person.
- No, no.

You're not. You're really...

You're really not.

Listen...

this whole stupid game
has gotta stop. It's gone too far.

You almost lost a parent.
I know what that's like.

They're your family, Graham.

You win.

And I'm sorry that I wasn't honest

when I was becoming unhappy.

I was afraid.

I thought if I told you the truth,
you would walk away.

So I did it first.

I'm sorry.

I screwed up.

We both did.

Can we forgive each other?

You're gonna
find someone amazing...

who deserves you.

You, too.

Dennis, did you
take your pills, sweet pea?

Yes, honeybun.

Okay, guys.

Stroops, it's time I hit the road.

- Already?
- Yeah.

Okay. Oh...

- Thank you for coming, honey.
- Oh, thank you.

You know it's not Christmas
here without you.

Aw, I feel the same.

So good to have you here.

Thank you.
You take care of yourself, okay?

- I will. I promise.
- Take it easy.

I will.

Oh, he's got Nurse Graham
here for another few days.

- Don't be a stranger.
- Okay.

Well, there's always next Christmas
or Valentine's Day...

Oh. We'll see.

I guess this is goodbye again.

I guess it is.

Oh.

Okay. Well...

Thank you all for everything.

Okay.

Merry Christmas.

I love you all.

We love you, too.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Empty.

Good one, Mind.

Can I pass?
This is depressing.

Yeah, where'd our Christmas spirit go?

With Ali, back to L.A.

Yeah. I didn't want
to say anything, but...

I can text her to come back.

Jeannie and I could call
from the landline.

Everybody always picks up
when we call from the landline.

Guys, she's not coming back.

I screwed up. I gotta talk to her.
I gotta talk to her in person.

- What? At the airport?
- Yep, at the airport.

Okay. Well, we're coming with you.

- What? Why?
- Because we love her.

Not how you love her.

Well, sometimes after one or two drinks
I think about it, but it's not that way.

Okay. Because
we can use the carpool lane.

Ah! Let's take the Datsun!
It's faster than-- than Rudolph!

- Okay. You're not driving.
- Okay, you drive.

- No, guys. I'll drive. Let's go, come on.
- All right. Let's do it.

- Okay. Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!
- Go, go, go!

Those pills are making my feet fat.

- Come on, okay, we're getting there.
- You wanna step in there.

You guys wanna come?

Yeah. We're ready.
To the Datsun!

It's tight in the car. Come on.

- Everybody get in.
- Okay.

- We can do it.
- Go, go, go!

- Going, going.
- Come on.

I don't wanna be in the middle.

Oh, my God, get in the car!

All right. Everybody in. Everybody in.
Start her up. Start her up.

- Okay, here we go.
- Go, go, go!

- Okay. Press on the gas. Press on the gas.
- Now, now!

- I am! I am!
- Okay. Third time's the charm, baby!

- Let's go!
- Let's go!

- No!
- Okay.

- To the wagon!
- To the wagon!

Move it, move it, move it.
Get out, Elliot!

- Mom, I got ya. Come on.
- Oh. Thanks, honey.

- Come on, come on. I know.
- I'm so glad I took Pilates.

- Hi. I just--
- Hi. I just--

- I wanted-- I was coming to--
- Okay. I-- no, I just--

- Can I go?
- Okay.

Wow. I thought I was gonna have
a couple of minutes in the car

to figure out exactly how to say this--

Just say it, honey.

Okay.

- Ali, I'm an idiot.
- He's such an idiot.

My priorities were so out of whack.

- It was like, "What's important?"
- It's super whack.

"I don't know what's important.
This, that--"

Okay, guys, can we...?

What's up? You wanna-- okay.

- I'll take this one.
- Your thing. Hey-- good luck.

Thank you.

Ali...

all I want is to figure
things out with you.

And if you let me,
I promise I will do anything I can

to be there for you,

to make you laugh,
to make you smile.

I will be there every day.

This Christmas was,
um, a little bit crazy.

But I can't imagine
another Christmas without you.

Ali, you're a part of this family,

and if you gave them the choice,
they would probably choose you over me.

So, I'd prefer
we didn't give them that option.

I'm so crazy in love with you.

Can you give me another chance?

I just came back 'cause I forgot my phone.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

I'm just kidding.

I hate you.

I love you.

Aw.

Okay.

It's okay. It's okay.
We're not looking.

Ohh!

Hey, hey! Stop!

Oh, oh, that's Homer!
It's Mrs. Snyder's dog.

Bad dog! Bad dog!

What?

- Dad, careful!
- Slow it down.

Dude, he's so fast.

- Dennis.
- Oh, we gotta see this.

I... slow down!

Oh, the whole time!

- Oh.
- Come on.

What?

He's really tearing through
those things. Oh, that's a bad dog.

Oh, I can't watch.

Well, we got plenty
of baby Jesuses, Mom.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Oh.

You know, maybe he's just hungry.

- Yeah. Make him a snack, for sure.
- I should fix him something. I will.

- He's definitely hungry.
- I'll fix something for you, honey.

Make him some blueberry pancakes.

Oh, I think it's eatin' the duck.

Merry Christmas!

Your first L.A. Christmas!
I'm so excited.

- This is Quinn.
- Hi.

I've heard so much about you.

Isn't she something? We like her
so much better than Heather.

- Dad! You can't say that.
- I'm sorry, but we do.

- Well, I'm sorry. It's just true.
- Thank you.

Welcome. Welcome to the family.
Welcome to L.A.

- Come in.
- Wait a minute, where's Graham?

What? Is he still asleep?

He said he had to get some work done.
But he'll be back soon.

No, he's not working at Christmas.

He's his own boss, finally.
He can make his own hours!

Uh-oh. What's that?

What?

Okay. Wha-- wait a second.

Hey, is that...?

Yeah. I mean, it's just
a little starter truck to get you going.

Graham...

this is the cutest little truck
I've ever seen.

Thank you.

Look at these adorable...!

Oh, it's a puffer fish!

- This is amazing.
- Well, I'm sorry it took so long.

Oh. Well, better late than never.

- Merry Christmas.
- Aww, Merry Christmas.

- I love you.
- I love you.

And I should probably let you know
that I am engaged.

Oh, my God!

My eyes!

He has great taste,
and I bet he is gorgeous.

Yeah, not much behind those blue eyes.

I don't mean to be pushy,
but it's game night. Come, come.

- All right, let's go, let's go.
- Game night!

- It really turned out great.
- It turned out great, I know.

- Don't take it too far.
- Oh, yes. She really does.

- That paint job really came out nice.
- I can't wait to see the house.

It's like a-- what color is it?
Like an off-white kind of a thing?

- Yeah, eggshell. Something like that.
- No, no, you should be scared.

- Oh, wow, you got a whole bunch.
- I got it, I got it.

I'm making blueberry pancakes this year.

So, Mom, has been smoking
marijuana every night.

I mean, it was all downhill after dinner.

It really kinda got out of hand.

- Heather?
- Guess who's here?

Heather, I'm so glad you could make it.

You know, we stay in touch--

DMs, Wordle.

Even sent her an edible arrangement.

Merry Christmas.

Graham... what the fu--