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I've walked down Liberty Avenue,
2
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oh, I don't know how many times,
3
00:00:44,799 --> 00:00:47,303
checking out the guys, enjoying the view,
4
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no problema.
5
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That was, until I met him.
6
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Am I going crazy?
7
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I'm just feeling a little vulnerable, that's all,
8
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since Ben and I broke up.
9
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But I'll be over that soon enough,
10
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courtesy of "Pittsburgh Man-2-Man".
11
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Hi, this is Barry. I'm in my late 20s.
12
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I love to eat in or out.
13
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I'd say I'm a well-rounded guy.
14
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Can you pass the butter?
15
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Hey, guys, I'm Marcus,
16
00:01:57,604 --> 00:01:59,607
a motivated business professional
with clearly defined goals.
17
00:01:59,607 --> 00:02:03,577
When you're ready to make a
long-term commitment, call me.
18
00:02:03,577 --> 00:02:05,080
Have you thought about...
19
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:08,053
term life insurance?
20
00:02:10,536 --> 00:02:11,537
Hey, I'm Ed.
21
00:02:11,537 --> 00:02:13,039
Great body, great personality,
22
00:02:13,539 --> 00:02:16,465
Looking to pamper that special someone.
23
00:02:22,467 --> 00:02:24,469
He wanted to diaper me.
24
00:02:24,469 --> 00:02:26,472
Aw, poor baby.
25
00:02:26,972 --> 00:02:28,974
What did you expect from a 30-second voice personal?
26
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Honesty. I didn't lie in my ad.
27
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Much.
28
00:02:33,797 --> 00:02:35,298
You called and listened
29
00:02:35,298 --> 00:02:37,285
to my ad?
30
00:02:37,285 --> 00:02:38,786
It's a free country.
31
00:02:38,786 --> 00:02:39,787
"Hey, it's Mike.
32
00:02:39,787 --> 00:02:41,774
Cute, swimmer build.
33
00:02:41,774 --> 00:02:43,942
- Boy-next-door type."
- Where you goin'?
34
00:02:45,244 --> 00:02:46,745
Sounds good.
35
00:02:46,745 --> 00:02:50,216
You also added a couple extra inches.
36
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To his height. I...
37
00:02:51,634 --> 00:02:53,137
But I was very pleased to hear
38
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That you're versatile,
39
00:02:54,121 --> 00:02:56,123
and not a total bottom.
40
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Ah, sounds even better.
41
00:03:01,546 --> 00:03:05,001
Can I interject just one word of motherly advice?
42
00:03:05,001 --> 00:03:06,486
Interject away.
43
00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:07,920
You're never gonna get a boyfriend
44
00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:09,356
from voice mail.
45
00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:12,326
But if you really, really want to meet somebody,
46
00:03:12,326 --> 00:03:15,331
- Go see my friend.
- "Ida Pearlstein,
47
00:03:15,331 --> 00:03:18,252
matchmaker".
48
00:03:19,252 --> 00:03:22,756
I could make a lot of trite musical
theatre references right now.
49
00:03:22,756 --> 00:03:23,757
But I won't.
50
00:03:23,757 --> 00:03:25,259
Your friends are freaks, ma.
51
00:03:25,259 --> 00:03:27,195
I'm not going to be set up by some oldyenta.
52
00:03:27,195 --> 00:03:29,200
Michael...
53
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:32,701
See those lovebirds over there?
54
00:03:33,185 --> 00:03:34,186
Ida fixed them up.
55
00:03:34,186 --> 00:03:35,688
They're celebrating their third.
56
00:03:35,688 --> 00:03:36,689
Don't they look happy?
57
00:03:36,689 --> 00:03:39,175
Or heavily medicated.
58
00:03:39,609 --> 00:03:44,615
Now I say try Adam and Steve internet dating.
59
00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:47,619
Eh? See what you're getting
before you get it, you know.
60
00:03:47,619 --> 00:03:49,621
Weed out the unfuckables.
61
00:03:49,621 --> 00:03:51,624
Dating services?
62
00:03:51,624 --> 00:03:53,576
Matchmakers?
63
00:03:53,576 --> 00:03:54,577
It's all bullshit.
64
00:03:55,077 --> 00:03:56,079
The next guy that walks through that door
65
00:03:56,580 --> 00:04:02,437
is the man I'm going to live with
for the rest of my life.
66
00:04:02,437 --> 00:04:03,438
Oh, Michael,
67
00:04:03,938 --> 00:04:04,889
there you are. Yeah.
68
00:04:04,889 --> 00:04:11,380
Rent cheque's due today, sweetie.
69
00:04:11,380 --> 00:04:16,319
Adam and Steve. Adam and Steve.
70
00:04:21,776 --> 00:04:23,245
Up for another go.
71
00:04:23,245 --> 00:04:25,731
Things are tight.
72
00:04:25,731 --> 00:04:27,165
When can I see you again?
73
00:04:27,165 --> 00:04:28,635
The store policy, uh,
74
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:30,637
no deposit...
75
00:04:30,637 --> 00:04:32,138
no return.
76
00:04:32,138 --> 00:04:33,139
Then...
77
00:04:33,641 --> 00:04:35,643
I'll just have to take what I can get.
78
00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:36,644
You don't get that.
79
00:04:37,111 --> 00:04:38,580
Oh, let me guess.
80
00:04:38,580 --> 00:04:41,583
A boyfriend?
81
00:04:41,583 --> 00:04:42,584
Huh. Thought so.
82
00:04:45,588 --> 00:04:49,593
I was in one of those arrangements once.
83
00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:51,028
Problem is...
84
00:04:51,028 --> 00:04:52,529
you leave your door open,
85
00:04:52,529 --> 00:04:55,034
and you never know who's gonna come in...
86
00:04:55,034 --> 00:04:56,535
or out.
87
00:04:56,952 --> 00:04:58,454
Do you mind taking the stairs?
88
00:04:58,921 --> 00:05:02,926
Cutting it a little close, aren't you?
89
00:05:02,926 --> 00:05:04,427
- Hey.
- We're here.
90
00:05:04,427 --> 00:05:06,347
And not a moment too soon.
91
00:05:06,347 --> 00:05:10,828
You can't believe the sales they were having.
92
00:05:18,828 --> 00:05:20,830
Looks like you picked up a few things.
93
00:05:20,830 --> 00:05:22,333
You too.
94
00:05:22,333 --> 00:05:23,834
I just sold a house.
95
00:05:23,834 --> 00:05:25,336
So, I decided to splurge,
96
00:05:25,336 --> 00:05:28,290
buy myself some new clothes.
97
00:05:28,290 --> 00:05:30,742
I'm way too old to go shopping with my mother.
98
00:05:30,742 --> 00:05:34,180
Not when she's paying.
99
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,182
I hope you remembered
100
00:05:36,182 --> 00:05:39,586
to buy him some rubbers...
101
00:05:39,586 --> 00:05:41,054
uh, for those rainy days.
102
00:05:41,054 --> 00:05:43,541
Hey.
103
00:05:43,541 --> 00:05:45,043
Look, you can wear this to Daphne's party.
104
00:05:45,043 --> 00:05:47,468
Nah. Not going to the hetero-hop
105
00:05:47,479 --> 00:05:48,940
with a bunch of beerchugging breeders.
106
00:05:48,964 --> 00:05:51,400
Justin, you've got to get out there,
107
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,320
and meet new friends your own age.
108
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,756
- Nothing personal.
- Oh no, I agree.
109
00:05:56,756 --> 00:05:59,760
Youth should be savoured.
110
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,696
I met his dad in junior year, but...
111
00:06:01,696 --> 00:06:04,199
believe me, before that, I did some...
112
00:06:04,199 --> 00:06:08,671
pretty wild things.
113
00:06:08,671 --> 00:06:10,606
Uh, it runs in the family.
114
00:06:10,606 --> 00:06:13,026
Okay, I've got to pick up your sister.
115
00:06:13,026 --> 00:06:15,479
Sweetheart, college is going to be
116
00:06:15,479 --> 00:06:17,981
the best time of your life.
117
00:06:17,981 --> 00:06:20,985
I'm just... I'm so excited for you.
118
00:06:20,985 --> 00:06:24,489
So am I.
119
00:06:24,489 --> 00:06:27,433
- Bye.
- Bye.
120
00:06:33,433 --> 00:06:36,438
- How was he?
- Not bad.
121
00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:38,941
What did he look like?
122
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,444
Guess.
123
00:06:43,947 --> 00:06:46,450
Uh...
124
00:06:46,951 --> 00:06:47,952
6'2"...
125
00:06:49,387 --> 00:06:54,326
175, black hair, brown eyes...
126
00:06:54,326 --> 00:06:55,827
smouldering good looks.
127
00:06:55,827 --> 00:06:58,715
That's very good.
128
00:06:58,715 --> 00:07:01,718
What'd you do?
129
00:07:01,718 --> 00:07:04,221
You fucked him? You suck him? Tell me.
130
00:07:04,221 --> 00:07:07,092
Why don't I just show you?
131
00:07:07,092 --> 00:07:10,595
Hup two, soldier. Bombs away!
132
00:07:11,096 --> 00:07:13,099
Ready...
133
00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:14,600
aim...
134
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:16,535
fire!
135
00:07:23,377 --> 00:07:26,380
Bravo!
136
00:07:26,380 --> 00:07:29,384
Fetch Dixon delivers another
stunning display of manpower.
137
00:07:29,384 --> 00:07:30,853
- Well...
- I'll take your guns.
138
00:07:30,853 --> 00:07:33,355
My fans expect me to give it my all.
139
00:07:33,857 --> 00:07:37,310
I do have a reputation to uphold.
140
00:07:37,310 --> 00:07:40,314
And judging from all your cards and letters,
141
00:07:40,314 --> 00:07:42,767
they love to watch you uphold it.
142
00:07:48,774 --> 00:07:50,777
"Dear Fetch, I am sending you this
143
00:07:51,277 --> 00:07:53,780
as a token of my affection.
144
00:07:53,780 --> 00:07:58,285
Please think of me when you use it."
145
00:07:58,786 --> 00:08:01,723
Ew.
146
00:08:01,723 --> 00:08:02,724
"Dear Fetch,
147
00:08:02,724 --> 00:08:04,209
could you wear this to the gym,
148
00:08:04,709 --> 00:08:05,711
then pop it back
149
00:08:05,711 --> 00:08:07,630
into the self-addressed, stamped...
150
00:08:07,630 --> 00:08:09,081
envelope."
151
00:08:09,081 --> 00:08:10,533
Get a life.
152
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:12,018
- Okay. All right, let's...
- Wait. Wait.
153
00:08:12,018 --> 00:08:15,444
Wait, wait, wait, wait. What?
154
00:08:19,444 --> 00:08:21,414
Oh, my God!
155
00:08:21,414 --> 00:08:23,917
Teddy, look.
156
00:08:23,917 --> 00:08:25,919
It's exquisite.
157
00:08:25,919 --> 00:08:27,354
It must have cost a fortune.
158
00:08:27,354 --> 00:08:28,856
Well, here's a card.
159
00:08:29,323 --> 00:08:33,311
"You are a beacon of light
in the sordid gloom of cyberspace.
160
00:08:33,812 --> 00:08:35,814
Fond admiration...
161
00:08:35,814 --> 00:08:39,819
your secret admirer."
162
00:08:39,819 --> 00:08:41,821
My secret admirer. I...
163
00:08:41,821 --> 00:08:43,307
All my life, I've...
164
00:08:43,307 --> 00:08:44,741
I've wanted a... secret admirer.
165
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:46,243
Here. Here, here, help me put it on.
166
00:08:46,243 --> 00:08:47,244
You're not going to keep it?
167
00:08:47,744 --> 00:08:49,664
I... It's gold!
168
00:08:50,164 --> 00:08:51,666
What queen doesn't accept gold?
169
00:08:51,666 --> 00:08:55,154
Uh, one whose loyal subjects
send him giant dildoes,
170
00:08:55,154 --> 00:08:57,156
qnd want to sniff his jock-strap.
171
00:08:57,156 --> 00:08:59,152
They're lunatics, Emmett.
172
00:08:59,142 --> 00:09:00,143
If you let them into your life,
173
00:09:00,143 --> 00:09:02,112
they're going to think they're your friends,
174
00:09:02,112 --> 00:09:03,613
and they're going to expect you to be theirs,
175
00:09:03,613 --> 00:09:06,117
and you'll never be rid of them, so...
176
00:09:06,117 --> 00:09:07,118
Come on.
177
00:09:07,118 --> 00:09:10,088
But it's so shiny...
178
00:09:10,589 --> 00:09:11,089
and pretty.
179
00:09:11,540 --> 00:09:12,507
Take it off.
180
00:09:12,507 --> 00:09:15,478
- I don't want to.
- Emmett!
181
00:09:15,478 --> 00:09:18,381
All right.
182
00:09:18,882 --> 00:09:20,384
Uh, come on.
183
00:09:20,384 --> 00:09:22,887
Give it.
184
00:09:22,887 --> 00:09:25,824
Remember, everything in this life
185
00:09:26,324 --> 00:09:28,760
comes with strings attached. Okay?
186
00:09:29,261 --> 00:09:33,540
Even little, white, satin ones. I'm sorry.
187
00:09:53,540 --> 00:09:56,042
Okay. And we're rolling.
188
00:09:56,042 --> 00:09:58,547
Hi, I'm Mike. Uh, i'm just a fun guy,
189
00:09:58,547 --> 00:10:00,048
and I'd love to meet another fun guy,
190
00:10:00,048 --> 00:10:03,503
so call me if you're looking for some fun.
191
00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:06,005
Uh... let's try it again, but this time,
192
00:10:06,005 --> 00:10:09,960
Let's have a little less "fun".
193
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,847
Less fun.
194
00:10:12,847 --> 00:10:16,351
Um...
195
00:10:16,851 --> 00:10:18,354
Hey, dudes, it's Mike.
196
00:10:18,354 --> 00:10:19,789
I'm into good times,
197
00:10:20,289 --> 00:10:23,225
good friends, you know, the good life.
198
00:10:23,225 --> 00:10:24,227
Call me.
199
00:10:24,227 --> 00:10:25,228
Is that better?
200
00:10:25,228 --> 00:10:28,231
For a beer commercial, yeah. Um, but, uh...
201
00:10:28,231 --> 00:10:30,234
Let's try it again, and this time,
202
00:10:30,234 --> 00:10:37,676
let's try to be more... I don't know, personal.
203
00:10:37,676 --> 00:10:39,679
I never knew my father.
204
00:10:39,679 --> 00:10:42,632
He was killed in Vietnam two weeks
after I was born,
205
00:10:42,632 --> 00:10:45,136
but somehow we managed to survive.
206
00:10:45,136 --> 00:10:46,637
I dropped out of Community College,
207
00:10:46,637 --> 00:10:49,140
and, uh, I went to work at the Big Q Mart.
208
00:10:49,140 --> 00:10:50,642
That's when my Uncle Vic came to live with us.
209
00:10:50,642 --> 00:10:52,110
He was dying of AIDS.
210
00:10:52,110 --> 00:10:54,112
Okay, uh, thanks for sharing, but, uh...
211
00:10:54,112 --> 00:10:56,115
you're looking for a date, not a therapist,
all right?
212
00:10:56,115 --> 00:10:58,117
So we've got time for one more,
213
00:10:58,117 --> 00:11:04,558
so put a more positive spin on it.
214
00:11:05,059 --> 00:11:06,061
Hi, I'm Michael. I'm 29.
215
00:11:06,061 --> 00:11:10,065
Honest, sincere, romantic,
with my own business.
216
00:11:10,065 --> 00:11:14,570
I like... working out, dancing, going to clubs.
217
00:11:14,570 --> 00:11:16,573
I have a great group of friends.
I love them to death,
218
00:11:17,074 --> 00:11:19,576
But I'm still looking for that certain someone who...
219
00:11:20,077 --> 00:11:25,016
Who knows that underneath that
mildmannered appearance...
220
00:11:25,016 --> 00:11:31,440
beats the heart of a superhero.
221
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:38,349
I'm sorry, what was that?
222
00:11:58,790 --> 00:12:01,293
I swear you can't tell the difference.
223
00:12:03,796 --> 00:12:05,799
Well, as long as we're comparing...
224
00:12:05,799 --> 00:12:07,734
Holy shit!
225
00:12:07,734 --> 00:12:09,236
Is that real gold?
226
00:12:09,236 --> 00:12:12,673
I almost broke a tooth testing.
227
00:12:13,174 --> 00:12:15,177
My secret admirer sent it to me.
228
00:12:15,677 --> 00:12:17,663
Who do you think it is?
229
00:12:17,663 --> 00:12:19,648
I know who I'd like it to be.
230
00:12:19,648 --> 00:12:22,152
A dashing, young prince,
231
00:12:22,152 --> 00:12:25,656
too... shy at first to reveal
he has a crush on me.
232
00:12:25,656 --> 00:12:27,074
But he appears and...
233
00:12:27,074 --> 00:12:29,026
whisks me off to his palace.
234
00:12:29,026 --> 00:12:32,030
Oh, where you live happily ever after.
235
00:12:33,982 --> 00:12:35,484
I know. It's...
236
00:12:35,984 --> 00:12:37,487
highly unrealistic.
237
00:12:37,987 --> 00:12:39,989
My friends would probably laugh if they heard me.
238
00:12:39,989 --> 00:12:42,926
Oh, what do they know about love, honey?
239
00:12:42,926 --> 00:12:45,429
Most of them are too busy chasing their hard-ons
240
00:12:45,429 --> 00:12:46,931
to listen to their heart.
241
00:12:46,931 --> 00:12:50,925
Still I... have this dream...
242
00:12:50,935 --> 00:12:53,439
of... perfection.
243
00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:56,942
So I... keep on looking...
244
00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:00,413
Hoping against hope that I'll find it.
245
00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,884
Well, it's an admirable dream, honey.
246
00:13:02,884 --> 00:13:04,819
But I gotta tell you, Em, in most cases,
247
00:13:04,819 --> 00:13:07,822
that kind of love only happens in the movies,
248
00:13:07,822 --> 00:13:11,293
and even then, only to Audrey Hepburn.
249
00:13:11,293 --> 00:13:13,263
Real love, when it comes, doesn't look
250
00:13:13,263 --> 00:13:16,249
anything like what you expect.
251
00:13:16,749 --> 00:13:19,203
Pardon me.
252
00:13:19,203 --> 00:13:20,705
Yes?
253
00:13:20,705 --> 00:13:23,141
You're Fetch, are you not?
254
00:13:23,642 --> 00:13:25,645
That's right.
255
00:13:25,645 --> 00:13:29,566
I've been sent to "fetch" you.
256
00:13:29,566 --> 00:13:31,068
Excuse me. You...
257
00:13:31,568 --> 00:13:33,570
you expect me to get into a car with a...
258
00:13:33,570 --> 00:13:35,573
a total stranger and... and... and...
259
00:13:35,573 --> 00:13:38,576
drive off to God knows where? I...
260
00:13:38,576 --> 00:13:43,032
Sorry, but my mother taught me better.
261
00:13:43,032 --> 00:13:45,502
Don't look at me. I'm not his mother.
262
00:13:45,969 --> 00:13:47,437
My employer is expecting you.
263
00:13:47,437 --> 00:13:50,374
And who... who exactly is your employer?
264
00:13:50,374 --> 00:13:51,826
You know
265
00:13:51,826 --> 00:13:54,762
he's gotta tell you he's not at liberty to say.
266
00:13:55,213 --> 00:14:00,056
I'm not at liberty to say.
267
00:14:03,056 --> 00:14:05,058
What have you gotta do the rest of the day?
268
00:14:05,058 --> 00:14:08,062
Wash out your undies?
269
00:14:08,062 --> 00:14:12,500
Okay.
270
00:14:21,928 --> 00:14:23,413
Hi, I'm Michael. I'm 29,
271
00:14:23,413 --> 00:14:26,533
honest, sincere, romantic.
272
00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:31,089
I love dancing, going to the movies,
working out.
273
00:14:31,089 --> 00:14:34,093
I got a great group of friends.
I love 'em to death,
274
00:14:34,093 --> 00:14:37,096
but I'm still looking for that special someone.
275
00:14:37,596 --> 00:14:42,068
So if you're looking to have some fun, call me.
276
00:14:42,068 --> 00:14:44,555
Well?
277
00:14:44,555 --> 00:14:46,040
You have excellent posture.
278
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,475
Nice shirt.
279
00:14:47,475 --> 00:14:49,444
You're absolutely adorable.
280
00:14:49,945 --> 00:14:51,446
It's pathetic.
281
00:14:51,880 --> 00:14:54,000
At least somebody's honest.
282
00:14:54,867 --> 00:14:56,369
Asshole.
283
00:14:56,369 --> 00:14:58,371
What a complete fucking waste of time
and money.
284
00:14:58,371 --> 00:15:00,374
Listen, Mikey, you have to sell yourself.
285
00:15:00,374 --> 00:15:02,877
You're... you're no different than toothpaste
or shampoo.
286
00:15:02,877 --> 00:15:04,880
People want sexy.
287
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:06,882
- They want hot.
- He's right.
288
00:15:06,882 --> 00:15:10,070
I think I'll reheat this pizza.
289
00:15:10,270 --> 00:15:11,772
So what am I supposed to do?
290
00:15:11,772 --> 00:15:13,757
Don't move.
291
00:15:26,489 --> 00:15:27,991
Let's see.
292
00:15:27,991 --> 00:15:29,993
- "Nice guy..."
- Make that "a hot guy".
293
00:15:30,493 --> 00:15:31,479
"Well-rounded..."
294
00:15:31,479 --> 00:15:32,963
Could you make that "well-hung"?
295
00:15:32,963 --> 00:15:34,915
"With a spirit of adventure."
296
00:15:34,915 --> 00:15:36,384
"Is into any scene."
297
00:15:36,384 --> 00:15:37,319
Can't say that.
298
00:15:37,819 --> 00:15:39,271
Shut up and show me some skin.
299
00:15:39,271 --> 00:15:40,672
"If you're giving....
300
00:15:40,672 --> 00:15:42,075
"With a great sense of humour.
301
00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,543
Big heart..."
302
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:45,044
"If you like to give it..."
303
00:15:45,044 --> 00:15:46,496
"Have a great body..."
304
00:15:46,496 --> 00:15:47,931
"And a big cock..."
305
00:15:47,931 --> 00:15:49,800
"I want to hear from you."
306
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:51,985
Perfect.
307
00:16:11,959 --> 00:16:12,960
That's the one.
308
00:16:16,882 --> 00:16:19,886
- I'd date me.
- So would I.
309
00:16:19,886 --> 00:16:21,388
Theoretically speaking.
310
00:16:21,388 --> 00:16:22,889
Well, it's not exactly what I wrote.
311
00:16:22,889 --> 00:16:24,892
Writers,
312
00:16:24,892 --> 00:16:27,395
complaining every time you change a fucking word.
313
00:16:27,395 --> 00:16:29,397
You'll be beating them off with a stick.
314
00:16:29,397 --> 00:16:31,400
Hopefully you won't need a stick.
315
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,819
So how does it feel, Mikey,
316
00:16:33,819 --> 00:16:35,304
to be the hottest guy on the internet?
317
00:16:38,674 --> 00:16:41,678
Well, in the modern retelling,
318
00:16:41,678 --> 00:16:43,181
the coach would be a limo,
319
00:16:43,181 --> 00:16:45,183
and the liveried footman would, uh,
320
00:16:45,684 --> 00:16:47,186
would be the driver,
321
00:16:47,186 --> 00:16:48,687
and Cinderella would, of course,
322
00:16:48,687 --> 00:16:50,189
be a fag rather than a woman,
323
00:16:50,189 --> 00:16:52,192
since no self-respecting woman would let herself
324
00:16:52,192 --> 00:16:53,693
be enticed to a strange man's home
325
00:16:53,693 --> 00:16:56,197
with jewelry, a limo, champagne and caviar...
326
00:16:56,197 --> 00:17:00,708
Thank God.
327
00:17:10,146 --> 00:17:13,587
Oh, my God.
328
00:17:25,531 --> 00:17:28,035
Something tells me I'm not in Kansas anymore.
329
00:17:28,535 --> 00:17:31,438
In fact, something tells me I'm not in Pittsburgh anymore.
330
00:17:31,922 --> 00:17:34,392
Fetch?
331
00:17:41,884 --> 00:17:44,354
It's him.
332
00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:46,857
Uh, your, uh, your... your majesty.
333
00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:51,312
Your... grace, your, uh...
334
00:17:51,312 --> 00:17:54,248
gorgeousness, I, uh...
335
00:17:54,248 --> 00:17:56,251
I received the bracelet...
336
00:17:56,251 --> 00:17:57,719
and I'm yours.
337
00:17:57,719 --> 00:18:00,657
I'm the butler, sir.
338
00:18:00,657 --> 00:18:02,625
Uh... oh.
339
00:18:02,625 --> 00:18:03,576
This way.
340
00:18:03,576 --> 00:18:08,065
Okay. Yeah. Right.
341
00:18:08,065 --> 00:18:11,572
Jesus, if he's the butler...
342
00:18:13,572 --> 00:18:16,576
Thank you.
343
00:18:19,078 --> 00:18:23,086
Oh... my... God!
344
00:18:34,097 --> 00:18:37,101
No, no, no. Don't do that. No. No.
345
00:18:37,101 --> 00:18:39,604
This is, uh, no time to be a show-tune queen.
346
00:18:39,604 --> 00:18:42,608
This is, uh... it's much more...
347
00:18:42,608 --> 00:18:44,109
"Masterpiece Theatre".
348
00:18:44,109 --> 00:18:45,611
Yes. Oh....
349
00:18:45,611 --> 00:18:47,614
Your highness. Yes.
350
00:18:47,614 --> 00:18:49,616
How very kind of you to invite me.
351
00:18:49,616 --> 00:18:53,610
I love what you've done with the place. Yes.
352
00:18:53,621 --> 00:18:55,122
Join you by the fire? Oh, I'd be delighted.
353
00:18:55,122 --> 00:18:57,124
Do you know,
354
00:18:57,625 --> 00:18:59,628
I've always wanted to ask you, is, uh,
355
00:18:59,628 --> 00:19:01,129
is Charming your first name
356
00:19:01,129 --> 00:19:02,631
or your last?
357
00:19:02,631 --> 00:19:05,067
Oh. Huh.
358
00:19:05,067 --> 00:19:09,072
Jesus Christ. Scared me to death.
359
00:19:09,072 --> 00:19:12,542
I didn't, uh, didn't know anyone was here.
360
00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:15,046
I'm, uh, I'm Fetch.
361
00:19:15,046 --> 00:19:17,048
Waiting for the master.
362
00:19:17,548 --> 00:19:20,052
I'm George Schickel.
363
00:19:20,052 --> 00:19:22,504
I am the master.
364
00:19:23,005 --> 00:19:24,506
You... I see you, uh,
365
00:19:25,008 --> 00:19:27,477
received my little... token of esteem.
366
00:19:27,477 --> 00:19:28,895
Huh?
367
00:19:29,396 --> 00:19:30,898
Oh... yeah.
368
00:19:30,898 --> 00:19:32,400
I was on the internet one day,
369
00:19:32,883 --> 00:19:34,835
"surfing" I believe is the word,
370
00:19:34,835 --> 00:19:37,322
when I came upon you.
371
00:19:37,322 --> 00:19:38,824
Oh, my, my, my.
372
00:19:39,324 --> 00:19:42,695
You're a very talented boy.
373
00:19:42,695 --> 00:19:43,696
Hardly a boy.
374
00:19:44,197 --> 00:19:45,198
At my age,
375
00:19:45,198 --> 00:19:48,152
everyone's a boy.
376
00:19:48,152 --> 00:19:51,155
Now then...
377
00:19:51,155 --> 00:19:53,658
- shall we discuss your fee?
- Fee?
378
00:19:54,159 --> 00:19:58,130
Oh, for your... services.
379
00:19:58,130 --> 00:20:00,633
I have no idea what you people charge, so, um,
380
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,636
Will a thousand suffice?
381
00:20:03,136 --> 00:20:05,089
A thousand? A...
382
00:20:05,089 --> 00:20:06,591
All right, two.
383
00:20:06,591 --> 00:20:10,095
- Two?
- All right. Three.
384
00:20:10,095 --> 00:20:12,932
God, you drive a hard bargain...
385
00:20:13,433 --> 00:20:17,938
So it had better... be hard.
386
00:20:18,939 --> 00:20:21,892
Excuse me, Mr. Schickel,
387
00:20:21,892 --> 00:20:24,896
but I'm afraid you've made a mistake.
388
00:20:24,896 --> 00:20:27,399
I'm not, as you seem to think,
389
00:20:27,899 --> 00:20:28,401
for hire.
390
00:20:28,901 --> 00:20:31,337
I came here expecting...
391
00:20:31,838 --> 00:20:32,839
Well, it's...
392
00:20:32,839 --> 00:20:34,842
it's not important what I came here expecting,
393
00:20:34,842 --> 00:20:38,762
except to say I didn't find it.
394
00:20:38,762 --> 00:20:42,667
Thank you for the, uh, lovely gift...
395
00:20:43,151 --> 00:20:49,659
and for allowing me a few moments to dream.
396
00:20:49,659 --> 00:20:52,667
Now, if you'll excuse me.
397
00:21:30,541 --> 00:21:32,544
You want me to fuck you?
398
00:21:32,544 --> 00:21:34,546
I want you to wash my back.
399
00:21:42,021 --> 00:21:42,956
Better get a move on.
400
00:21:43,457 --> 00:21:46,882
The guys are waiting on us.
401
00:21:49,882 --> 00:21:50,883
You know maybe you should...
402
00:21:51,383 --> 00:21:52,384
get some friends your own age.
403
00:21:52,885 --> 00:21:56,322
You sound like my mother.
404
00:21:56,322 --> 00:21:59,310
Well, sometimes your mommy's right.
405
00:21:59,310 --> 00:22:02,313
I have friends my own age.
406
00:22:02,313 --> 00:22:05,817
You're my age, emotionally.
407
00:22:05,817 --> 00:22:07,319
I mean like Daphne.
408
00:22:07,319 --> 00:22:10,323
I'm not going to her lame-ass party.
409
00:22:10,807 --> 00:22:12,258
Why? You got something better to do?
410
00:22:12,258 --> 00:22:14,260
Be with you.
411
00:22:14,761 --> 00:22:15,762
You can always be with me.
412
00:22:15,762 --> 00:22:18,766
You practically are.
413
00:22:19,766 --> 00:22:21,769
What if I meet some horny frat boy?
414
00:22:21,769 --> 00:22:25,774
Fuck him for me.
415
00:22:26,275 --> 00:22:29,695
Hey, I just want you to enjoy your youth.
416
00:22:29,695 --> 00:22:32,516
I certainly have.
417
00:22:46,516 --> 00:22:47,717
19 guys already.
418
00:22:47,717 --> 00:22:48,918
He's not bad.
419
00:22:48,918 --> 00:22:52,122
He's even better.
420
00:22:52,523 --> 00:22:54,925
Oh my God! He's perfect.
421
00:22:54,925 --> 00:22:57,362
And he wants to meet you tonight.
422
00:22:59,364 --> 00:23:01,366
I gotta give Brian credit, he can sell anything,
423
00:23:01,366 --> 00:23:02,869
even me.
424
00:23:02,869 --> 00:23:04,871
Hey, Em, you wanna see my dream date?
425
00:23:04,871 --> 00:23:06,372
Fuck off.
426
00:23:06,372 --> 00:23:08,375
Who pissed on your parade?
427
00:23:08,375 --> 00:23:11,828
- My secret admirer.
- You didn't.
428
00:23:12,329 --> 00:23:13,331
I thought we agreed
429
00:23:13,331 --> 00:23:15,333
that this wasn't really a good idea.
430
00:23:15,333 --> 00:23:18,837
I know. But his chauffeur picked me up.
431
00:23:18,837 --> 00:23:20,272
You did it with his chauffeur?
432
00:23:20,272 --> 00:23:22,775
No, sweetie, his chauffeur
433
00:23:22,775 --> 00:23:26,230
drove me... to his place...
434
00:23:26,230 --> 00:23:29,234
which makes Buckingham Palace
look like a Winnebago.
435
00:23:29,234 --> 00:23:31,186
So who is this guy, anyway?
436
00:23:31,186 --> 00:23:34,056
George Schickel.
437
00:23:34,056 --> 00:23:36,059
"Schickel's pickles"?
438
00:23:36,059 --> 00:23:37,560
"The pickle the people prefer"?
439
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:40,047
Well, he can keep his pickle.
440
00:23:40,547 --> 00:23:42,049
It's like, 300 years old.
441
00:23:42,049 --> 00:23:43,984
They say he's worth a fortune.
442
00:23:43,984 --> 00:23:46,972
Well, unfortunately for him
443
00:23:47,472 --> 00:23:48,473
he finally found something
444
00:23:48,473 --> 00:23:51,477
that even his money can't buy,
445
00:23:51,477 --> 00:23:52,979
namely... me.
446
00:23:53,479 --> 00:23:54,413
He thinks you're a...
447
00:23:54,413 --> 00:23:56,850
A hustler! Can you imagine?
448
00:23:56,850 --> 00:23:59,269
- Unbelievable.
- The nerve.
449
00:23:59,269 --> 00:24:00,722
I told him, "I am an artist.
450
00:24:00,722 --> 00:24:03,725
What I do requires concentration,
451
00:24:03,725 --> 00:24:05,727
dedication, determination...
452
00:24:05,727 --> 00:24:07,713
Don't forget ejaculation.
453
00:24:07,713 --> 00:24:10,716
Take my word; it's a lot harder than it looks.
454
00:24:10,716 --> 00:24:13,219
And if you're watching, Mr. Schickel,
455
00:24:13,219 --> 00:24:17,224
what you see is definitely not what you get.
456
00:24:44,073 --> 00:24:46,575
Uh, Justin?
457
00:24:46,575 --> 00:24:48,077
Having a good time?
458
00:24:48,578 --> 00:24:49,079
Can't you tell?
459
00:24:49,579 --> 00:24:51,031
Yes, well you have to mingle.
460
00:24:51,031 --> 00:24:52,966
With your happy hetero friends?
461
00:24:52,966 --> 00:24:55,470
Look, if I can deal with the homos at Woody's,
462
00:24:55,470 --> 00:24:56,971
you can handle them, hmm?
463
00:24:57,472 --> 00:24:59,975
Yeah, that's the problem.
464
00:25:00,476 --> 00:25:01,977
No one to handle.
465
00:26:04,252 --> 00:26:05,754
Wait.
466
00:26:05,754 --> 00:26:08,758
We have to be safe.
467
00:26:08,758 --> 00:26:11,260
Don't worry.
468
00:26:11,260 --> 00:26:15,649
I come prepared.
469
00:26:15,649 --> 00:26:17,651
Put it on my dick.
470
00:26:17,651 --> 00:26:18,653
Just, uh...
471
00:26:19,154 --> 00:26:21,156
go slowly, okay?
472
00:26:21,656 --> 00:26:22,657
I...
473
00:26:22,657 --> 00:26:24,660
I've never...
474
00:26:24,660 --> 00:26:27,163
I didn't think so.
475
00:26:27,163 --> 00:26:30,081
I'll take it easy.
476
00:26:43,081 --> 00:26:44,533
I thought you were going out.
477
00:26:44,533 --> 00:26:49,039
And miss the Betty Hutton film festival?
478
00:26:49,039 --> 00:26:51,543
- My date is coming over.
- So?
479
00:26:51,543 --> 00:26:55,013
He looks really hot. What if we want
to fuck right here on the floor?
480
00:26:55,013 --> 00:26:58,518
I promise not to leave any crumbs.
481
00:26:58,518 --> 00:27:00,520
And I hate to burst your bubble, baby,
482
00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:03,023
But most of those guys don't even
use their own photos,
483
00:27:03,023 --> 00:27:05,526
or else they took it, like, 30 years ago.
484
00:27:05,526 --> 00:27:07,028
Don't be so cynical.
485
00:27:07,028 --> 00:27:09,531
And don't be surprised when he shows up at the door,
486
00:27:09,531 --> 00:27:11,032
turns out to be some old geezer.
487
00:27:11,533 --> 00:27:13,536
Look, just 'cause you had a bad experience,
488
00:27:13,536 --> 00:27:16,038
Dldoesn't mean that everyone's out
to get whatever they want
489
00:27:16,038 --> 00:27:17,541
by whatever means they can.
490
00:27:18,041 --> 00:27:22,849
There's still some honest people in the world.
491
00:27:24,849 --> 00:27:26,851
You're right, they all lie.
492
00:27:26,851 --> 00:27:30,856
He's, like, this 300-year old guy in a red cardigan.
493
00:27:30,856 --> 00:27:33,861
I believe that one's for me.
494
00:27:37,830 --> 00:27:38,832
Mr. Schickel,
495
00:27:38,832 --> 00:27:41,318
I do not appreciate being stalked.
496
00:27:41,318 --> 00:27:43,290
So kindly remove yourself from my doorway,
497
00:27:43,304 --> 00:27:45,307
my building, my street and my life.
498
00:27:45,307 --> 00:27:48,760
Please, please I...
499
00:27:48,760 --> 00:27:50,763
I've gone to a lot of trouble to find you.
500
00:27:50,763 --> 00:27:52,715
Quite unnecessary, I assure you.
501
00:27:52,715 --> 00:27:54,668
Oh, no, no, no. I was...
502
00:27:54,668 --> 00:27:58,171
I was just horrified when I realized
that I'd made such a...
503
00:27:58,171 --> 00:28:00,625
really serious miscalculation.
504
00:28:00,625 --> 00:28:04,128
A miscalculation is when you can't balance your checkbook.
505
00:28:04,128 --> 00:28:06,565
- This was...
- An insult.
506
00:28:06,565 --> 00:28:09,068
I realize that.
507
00:28:09,068 --> 00:28:12,989
So I have come here to offer you my apologies...
508
00:28:12,989 --> 00:28:14,975
and, uh...
509
00:28:14,975 --> 00:28:18,913
and this...
510
00:28:19,363 --> 00:28:23,807
because I would still like you to have it.
511
00:28:27,807 --> 00:28:30,228
I don't accept gifts from fans.
512
00:28:31,228 --> 00:28:34,215
Then have dinner with me.
513
00:28:34,215 --> 00:28:35,717
Sorry, I... already...
514
00:28:36,217 --> 00:28:38,154
Please.
515
00:28:38,154 --> 00:28:39,155
Please?
516
00:28:39,639 --> 00:28:42,080
It would just be a small but...
517
00:28:42,092 --> 00:28:45,095
nevertheless heartfelt expression
of my deepest regret,
518
00:28:45,095 --> 00:28:47,548
at having treated you in such a rude
519
00:28:48,049 --> 00:28:50,969
and reprehensible manner.
520
00:28:50,969 --> 00:28:52,470
Well, I...
521
00:28:52,470 --> 00:28:55,474
I don't think your manner's that...
reprehensible. I...
522
00:28:58,395 --> 00:29:01,831
Well...
523
00:29:01,831 --> 00:29:03,834
Oh, all right.
524
00:29:03,834 --> 00:29:07,338
Go... rev up the carriage, Prince Charming, I'll...
525
00:29:07,338 --> 00:29:09,775
get my slippers.
526
00:29:19,670 --> 00:29:20,671
Uh, excuse me,
527
00:29:20,671 --> 00:29:22,156
I'm looking for Michael.
528
00:29:22,156 --> 00:29:24,576
Oh my God, you, uh...
529
00:29:24,576 --> 00:29:26,077
you really are a dream.
530
00:29:26,077 --> 00:29:28,496
So... Michael,
531
00:29:28,496 --> 00:29:30,966
your date's here.
532
00:29:30,966 --> 00:29:31,967
Where were you 10 seconds ago
533
00:29:31,967 --> 00:29:34,326
when I was still available?
534
00:29:39,793 --> 00:29:40,795
Oh, um, come in.
535
00:29:40,795 --> 00:29:44,298
Thanks.
536
00:29:44,298 --> 00:29:47,302
So, um...
537
00:29:47,302 --> 00:29:49,800
I thought we'd, uh, do maybe pizza
and a movie.
538
00:29:49,805 --> 00:29:51,307
Or, uh, tex-mex and dancing.
539
00:29:51,307 --> 00:29:53,810
Or we could just stay here
and fuck our brains out.
540
00:29:54,310 --> 00:29:55,311
Uh, that one.
541
00:29:55,311 --> 00:29:56,814
You negative?
542
00:29:57,314 --> 00:30:01,302
You?
543
00:30:05,257 --> 00:30:08,261
So, uh...
544
00:30:08,261 --> 00:30:10,264
what was yours like?
545
00:30:10,581 --> 00:30:13,601
Your first time?
546
00:30:13,601 --> 00:30:16,104
I saw him, I knew right away he was the one.
547
00:30:16,604 --> 00:30:19,108
- Were you scared?
- Shitless!
548
00:30:20,609 --> 00:30:23,113
We went back to his place. I swear...
549
00:30:23,113 --> 00:30:26,116
I couldn't speak my heart was pounding so hard.
550
00:30:26,116 --> 00:30:30,121
I let him fuck me though.
551
00:30:30,121 --> 00:30:33,625
I still remember feeling him inside me...
552
00:30:33,625 --> 00:30:35,127
seeing his face when he came...
553
00:30:36,628 --> 00:30:38,130
wanting it to go on forever.
554
00:30:38,130 --> 00:30:39,632
I know what you mean.
555
00:30:40,133 --> 00:30:41,618
We need our coats.
556
00:30:41,618 --> 00:30:43,119
Fuck off!
557
00:30:46,624 --> 00:30:48,626
God, I hate these stupid parties.
558
00:30:48,626 --> 00:30:50,629
Ah, me too.
559
00:30:50,629 --> 00:30:52,130
I wouldn't have come, but if I didn't,
560
00:30:52,130 --> 00:30:55,134
my friend Daphne would never speak
to me again.
561
00:30:55,134 --> 00:30:56,636
Well, I usually end up standing in the corner
562
00:30:56,636 --> 00:30:59,639
watching the dudes and babes and...
563
00:31:00,140 --> 00:31:04,144
thinking how I should have stayed home
and watched MTV.
564
00:31:04,144 --> 00:31:06,648
Why don't you go to clubs and bars?
565
00:31:06,648 --> 00:31:10,154
You'd meet lots of guys there.
566
00:31:12,655 --> 00:31:15,157
I don't want to meet a lot of guys.
567
00:31:15,157 --> 00:31:17,661
I want to meet just one,
568
00:31:17,661 --> 00:31:20,664
that I can be with...
569
00:31:20,664 --> 00:31:23,668
just the two of us.
570
00:31:23,668 --> 00:31:24,652
Yeah!
571
00:31:24,652 --> 00:31:27,656
Things don't exactly work out that way.
572
00:31:27,656 --> 00:31:30,159
They can if you want them to.
573
00:31:31,160 --> 00:31:32,662
Come on!
574
00:31:32,662 --> 00:31:36,169
I guess we better get dressed.
575
00:31:38,169 --> 00:31:40,171
Hurry up!
576
00:31:40,171 --> 00:31:43,077
Come back here.
577
00:31:46,077 --> 00:31:52,102
Come on.
578
00:31:54,038 --> 00:31:55,540
Mmm, I love...
579
00:31:55,540 --> 00:31:57,542
Burger Queen!
580
00:31:58,042 --> 00:32:00,045
But you know, for me...
581
00:32:00,045 --> 00:32:02,047
what makes it a royal treat
582
00:32:02,047 --> 00:32:03,549
is not the all-meat patty
583
00:32:03,549 --> 00:32:05,552
or the special bun.
584
00:32:06,052 --> 00:32:08,054
It's the pickles.
585
00:32:08,054 --> 00:32:09,056
I relish the compliment.
586
00:32:10,558 --> 00:32:13,561
And they're... they're... they are mine, you know.
587
00:32:13,561 --> 00:32:14,563
- Oh yeah?
- Oh yeah.
588
00:32:14,563 --> 00:32:15,564
Oh.
589
00:32:15,564 --> 00:32:17,065
I'm a pickle-lover from way back.
590
00:32:17,065 --> 00:32:20,003
My great Aunt Lulah back in Hazelhurst, Mississippi,
591
00:32:20,003 --> 00:32:22,005
she used to make 'em.
592
00:32:22,005 --> 00:32:24,474
She had a vat right out there on her kitchen porch.
593
00:32:24,975 --> 00:32:27,428
I'd go over there every day after school,
594
00:32:27,928 --> 00:32:29,430
and we'd sit out back and...
595
00:32:29,430 --> 00:32:31,866
gab and suck on those big old things.
596
00:32:31,866 --> 00:32:34,302
Which was probably
597
00:32:34,302 --> 00:32:36,789
more significant to later stages
of my psycho-sexual development
598
00:32:36,789 --> 00:32:38,291
than I care to go into.
599
00:32:42,296 --> 00:32:44,298
You had a really colourful family.
600
00:32:44,298 --> 00:32:46,251
I prefer to think of them as lunatics.
601
00:32:46,251 --> 00:32:49,220
Except for Aunt Lulah,
602
00:32:49,220 --> 00:32:51,724
who was supposed to be the crazy one.
603
00:32:51,724 --> 00:32:53,726
She was my only friend.
604
00:32:53,726 --> 00:32:55,728
The rest of them...
605
00:32:55,728 --> 00:32:56,730
wanted nothing to do with the...
606
00:32:57,213 --> 00:32:59,683
the local sissy boy.
607
00:32:59,683 --> 00:33:01,117
Must have been pretty lonely.
608
00:33:01,117 --> 00:33:03,554
Hmm.
609
00:33:03,554 --> 00:33:06,557
Didn't stop me from being who I wanted to be.
610
00:33:06,557 --> 00:33:07,559
Fuck 'em all!
611
00:33:07,559 --> 00:33:09,995
That was my motto.
612
00:33:09,995 --> 00:33:12,982
Still is.
613
00:33:13,483 --> 00:33:17,403
Well... I admire your courage.
614
00:33:17,403 --> 00:33:20,374
I wish I'd had it.
615
00:33:20,374 --> 00:33:23,361
Instead I chose to... live a lie,
616
00:33:23,361 --> 00:33:24,863
subjugating my freedom,
617
00:33:24,863 --> 00:33:28,366
my desires to the family fortune.
618
00:33:28,366 --> 00:33:30,369
I even allowed them to...
619
00:33:30,369 --> 00:33:32,873
marry me off to this meat-packing heiress
620
00:33:32,873 --> 00:33:35,810
so that we could make beautiful sandwiches together.
621
00:33:35,810 --> 00:33:38,313
Oh, it was a perfect merger...
622
00:33:38,313 --> 00:33:40,316
till one day about...
623
00:33:40,316 --> 00:33:43,319
five years ago, she came home and...
624
00:33:43,319 --> 00:33:44,821
caught me giving the gardener a blow job
625
00:33:44,821 --> 00:33:47,824
right there in the middle of her
prizewinning rose garden.
626
00:33:47,824 --> 00:33:49,326
Why, George...
627
00:33:49,326 --> 00:33:51,329
you rake.
628
00:33:51,329 --> 00:33:53,331
French-fry?
629
00:33:53,331 --> 00:33:54,832
Well it wasn't...
630
00:33:54,832 --> 00:33:56,335
as if I were cheating on her. I mean,
631
00:33:56,335 --> 00:33:59,838
we hadn't had sex since 1972.
632
00:33:59,838 --> 00:34:03,327
But she, uh, sued me for millions.
633
00:34:04,327 --> 00:34:06,263
Turned the children against me.
634
00:34:06,263 --> 00:34:07,264
Needless to say, I...
635
00:34:07,748 --> 00:34:11,703
became a social pariah.
636
00:34:11,703 --> 00:34:12,704
At least you were...
637
00:34:12,704 --> 00:34:16,141
finally free to be yourself.
638
00:34:16,141 --> 00:34:19,645
Yeah, yeah, to be alone, friendless...
639
00:34:19,645 --> 00:34:23,152
and buying companionship over the internet.
640
00:34:25,152 --> 00:34:27,655
Well...
641
00:34:27,655 --> 00:34:30,592
fuck 'em all!
642
00:34:33,078 --> 00:34:35,080
Uh... oh, man.
643
00:34:38,068 --> 00:34:39,552
You are perfect.
644
00:34:39,552 --> 00:34:41,554
I know.
645
00:34:41,554 --> 00:34:43,557
But... I wasn't always.
646
00:34:44,041 --> 00:34:46,977
I used to weigh 350. I was bald.
647
00:34:46,977 --> 00:34:49,464
I had hideous, coarse body hair all over my back,
648
00:34:49,464 --> 00:34:51,900
- My shoulders, my stomach.
- Really?
649
00:34:51,900 --> 00:34:54,837
Not to mention no chin. Huge honker,
650
00:34:54,837 --> 00:34:56,756
zero cheekbones. Definitely not a pretty sight.
651
00:34:56,756 --> 00:34:59,259
- But you look so...
- It all started with liposuction.
652
00:34:59,259 --> 00:35:01,261
Then a series of operations to tighten my skin.
653
00:35:01,261 --> 00:35:03,263
Next, laser hair removal,
654
00:35:03,263 --> 00:35:04,766
everywhere except my pubes,
655
00:35:04,766 --> 00:35:06,267
- which, of course, I trim.
- Of course.
656
00:35:06,267 --> 00:35:07,769
After that hair transplantation,
657
00:35:07,779 --> 00:35:09,772
scalp reduction, nose job,
658
00:35:10,272 --> 00:35:11,774
cheek and chin implants.
659
00:35:11,774 --> 00:35:12,775
That must have been expensive.
660
00:35:12,775 --> 00:35:14,277
Oh, a hundred thou, give or take.
661
00:35:14,779 --> 00:35:15,780
My folks have money.
662
00:35:15,780 --> 00:35:18,783
Now I work out with a trainer, Adolph,
663
00:35:18,783 --> 00:35:20,786
five hours a day, six days a week,
664
00:35:21,286 --> 00:35:23,288
it's brutal but, gotta maintain.
665
00:35:23,288 --> 00:35:26,292
And food combining, very important.
666
00:35:26,292 --> 00:35:27,794
You can eat proteins with vegetables
667
00:35:27,798 --> 00:35:29,262
or carbs with vegetables,
668
00:35:29,262 --> 00:35:30,765
but never, never, never...
669
00:35:30,765 --> 00:35:32,767
- proteins with carbs.
- Got it.
670
00:35:32,767 --> 00:35:34,185
Supplements are essential.
671
00:35:34,185 --> 00:35:37,606
You want some Haagen-Daaz?
672
00:35:37,616 --> 00:35:41,009
Have you been listening?
673
00:35:41,009 --> 00:35:43,463
You know...
674
00:35:43,463 --> 00:35:46,432
you could use a little improving yourself...
675
00:35:46,432 --> 00:35:48,435
laser hair removal on your chest,
676
00:35:48,435 --> 00:35:50,938
pec implants. The bridge of your nose
677
00:35:50,938 --> 00:35:53,441
is definitely... it's too wide.
678
00:35:53,441 --> 00:35:55,910
And nothing personal but...
679
00:35:55,910 --> 00:35:58,898
you might want to consider a...
a penile extension.
680
00:35:58,898 --> 00:36:01,856
Thanks for the tip.
681
00:36:22,258 --> 00:36:25,196
You're finally up.
682
00:36:25,196 --> 00:36:26,697
What time is it?
683
00:36:27,198 --> 00:36:29,201
It's time to take care of your morning hard-on,
684
00:36:29,201 --> 00:36:32,704
although it's after noon.
685
00:36:32,704 --> 00:36:35,708
Somebody got home late last night.
686
00:36:35,708 --> 00:36:38,711
2:58, just under the wire.
687
00:36:38,711 --> 00:36:42,716
Ol' Daphne must have had some kick-ass party.
688
00:36:42,716 --> 00:36:44,218
Mmm, yeah, it was all right.
689
00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:47,722
My nose tells me it was better
690
00:36:47,722 --> 00:36:51,227
than all right.
691
00:36:51,227 --> 00:36:54,231
I smell a varsity lacrosse player.
692
00:36:54,231 --> 00:36:57,235
You're way off.
693
00:36:57,235 --> 00:36:59,237
Hold on.
694
00:37:01,240 --> 00:37:02,741
Hm, it's coming.
695
00:37:05,244 --> 00:37:08,748
A nice, tight computer nerd.
696
00:37:08,748 --> 00:37:10,750
You're getting warmer.
697
00:37:12,253 --> 00:37:13,254
A scent of innocence.
698
00:37:13,754 --> 00:37:16,257
A... a virgin.
699
00:37:16,758 --> 00:37:20,769
A lucky guess.
700
00:37:26,769 --> 00:37:33,778
You kissed him.
701
00:37:33,778 --> 00:37:36,657
I think I'll take a shower.
702
00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:45,659
The face was great. The body was great.
703
00:37:45,669 --> 00:37:47,160
The sex was great.
704
00:37:47,160 --> 00:37:48,146
And then he started talking.
705
00:37:48,156 --> 00:37:49,080
So let me get this straight.
706
00:37:49,090 --> 00:37:50,581
You had sex on a date
707
00:37:50,581 --> 00:37:51,582
before you even had a conversation?
708
00:37:51,596 --> 00:37:53,017
You wouldn't understand.
709
00:37:53,017 --> 00:37:54,520
And why's that?
710
00:37:54,530 --> 00:37:57,022
Because sex is different for men than it is for women.
711
00:37:57,032 --> 00:37:59,109
The need is more immediate, more intense.
712
00:37:59,119 --> 00:38:00,443
At least that's what I've read.
713
00:38:00,443 --> 00:38:02,062
Where, in "Field and Stream"?
714
00:38:02,072 --> 00:38:05,036
Uh, just for your information,
Linz and I fuck like crazy.
715
00:38:05,046 --> 00:38:07,868
We pant and drool like a couple of bitches in heat.
716
00:38:07,879 --> 00:38:09,371
Our pussies soak the sheets.
717
00:38:09,381 --> 00:38:11,006
And we go at it a lot longer
718
00:38:11,016 --> 00:38:12,463
than the 10-minute tumble you guys call sex.
719
00:38:12,474 --> 00:38:13,475
And you don't even wanna know
720
00:38:13,485 --> 00:38:14,766
how many times we get off in a night.
721
00:38:14,776 --> 00:38:15,695
You're right. I don't.
722
00:38:15,695 --> 00:38:17,196
- Hi, honey.
- Mom...
723
00:38:17,663 --> 00:38:19,098
What's the matter? Did something scare you?
724
00:38:19,098 --> 00:38:20,600
Just us.
725
00:38:20,600 --> 00:38:23,086
I think Michael had a bad date.
726
00:38:23,086 --> 00:38:25,088
I told you to call Ida, for chrissakes.
727
00:38:25,088 --> 00:38:26,591
She's a fucking genius.
728
00:38:26,595 --> 00:38:28,559
I'll end up with a Jewish princess.
729
00:38:28,559 --> 00:38:30,561
You could end up with a lot worse.
730
00:38:43,929 --> 00:38:46,031
Geez, easy!
731
00:38:46,041 --> 00:38:47,433
You've got a lot on there.
732
00:38:47,447 --> 00:38:49,369
I feel slack. I need to tighten up.
733
00:38:49,369 --> 00:38:50,870
You have a 18 year-old at home.
734
00:38:50,881 --> 00:38:53,374
- What are you worried about?
- Keeping him.
735
00:38:53,374 --> 00:38:55,376
It's a shame you can't enjoy your golden years without...
736
00:38:55,376 --> 00:38:57,762
worrying about every sag, every wrinkle.
737
00:38:57,762 --> 00:38:58,713
Ah, I guess that's what happens
738
00:38:58,724 --> 00:39:00,716
when you're dating someone so many...
739
00:39:00,726 --> 00:39:03,219
many years your junior.
740
00:39:03,219 --> 00:39:04,720
There's always that constant nagging fear
741
00:39:04,731 --> 00:39:06,222
he's gonna dump you for a...
742
00:39:06,222 --> 00:39:08,141
hotter, cuter, younger,
743
00:39:08,141 --> 00:39:09,626
Firmer... stud.
744
00:39:09,626 --> 00:39:12,045
Yeah, I don't envy you your youth.
745
00:39:12,045 --> 00:39:13,030
Well, you don't have to
746
00:39:13,030 --> 00:39:15,533
since you're dating someone who's 103.
747
00:39:15,533 --> 00:39:19,438
I'm not dating him. We shared a burger.
748
00:39:19,448 --> 00:39:21,940
He can have solids?
749
00:39:21,951 --> 00:39:24,944
You know, George may not be 29
750
00:39:24,944 --> 00:39:27,447
or have a perfect chin or a 30-inch waist,
751
00:39:27,447 --> 00:39:29,450
but he's a lot nicer than certain arrogant,
752
00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:32,953
contemptuous, self-deluded
assholes that I know.
753
00:39:32,953 --> 00:39:34,455
Don't tell me you're gonna see him again.
754
00:39:34,466 --> 00:39:35,957
No, when we, uh...
755
00:39:35,957 --> 00:39:45,969
when we said good night, we,
uh, also said goodbye.
756
00:39:45,969 --> 00:39:46,970
You think he actually liked him?
757
00:39:46,981 --> 00:39:49,973
Some guys are into prime, aged cock.
758
00:39:49,981 --> 00:39:52,343
Better hope Justin is.
759
00:39:53,778 --> 00:39:55,217
Oh God.
760
00:39:58,217 --> 00:39:59,218
So you're Michael.
761
00:39:59,218 --> 00:40:02,222
Oh, your mother just raves about you.
762
00:40:02,222 --> 00:40:04,224
You too.
763
00:40:04,224 --> 00:40:07,645
So, are you a P-Flag mom or...
764
00:40:07,645 --> 00:40:11,649
Actually I'm a P-Flag son.
765
00:40:11,649 --> 00:40:14,653
Have some bundt.
766
00:40:14,653 --> 00:40:16,155
Oh, relax.
767
00:40:16,155 --> 00:40:18,159
It's not like you gotta date me.
768
00:40:20,161 --> 00:40:23,081
Now, what are you looking for?
769
00:40:23,081 --> 00:40:25,083
Um, he should be tall,
770
00:40:25,083 --> 00:40:27,085
blue eyes, built like Superman.
771
00:40:27,085 --> 00:40:30,089
Well, we all know you boys want beauties.
That's a given.
772
00:40:30,089 --> 00:40:31,541
You asked me what I wanted.
773
00:40:31,541 --> 00:40:33,494
I'm not talking about the outside.
774
00:40:33,495 --> 00:40:36,947
Michael sweetheart, what do you want on the inside?
775
00:40:36,957 --> 00:40:39,951
I...
776
00:40:39,951 --> 00:40:40,952
I don't know.
777
00:40:40,952 --> 00:40:41,886
Sure you do.
778
00:40:41,897 --> 00:40:44,890
Just close your eyes.
779
00:40:44,890 --> 00:40:46,892
Think.
780
00:40:46,899 --> 00:40:49,896
He's gotta be passionate about life.
781
00:40:49,896 --> 00:40:52,899
He's worked hard to survive it...
782
00:40:52,899 --> 00:40:56,404
Yet he's maintained his... humour.
783
00:40:56,404 --> 00:40:57,905
He's charming, kind.
784
00:40:57,905 --> 00:40:59,408
Uh-huh.
785
00:40:59,418 --> 00:41:02,411
He does something creative, maybe a writer.
786
00:41:02,421 --> 00:41:06,417
And he's into spiritual stuff, like Buddha.
787
00:41:06,927 --> 00:41:09,019
And he focuses on living in the now
788
00:41:09,019 --> 00:41:12,923
Because there's no time to waste.
789
00:41:12,923 --> 00:41:15,426
Oh...
790
00:41:15,427 --> 00:41:20,917
And when I'm with him,
I feel like a better person.
791
00:41:25,922 --> 00:41:26,857
No.
792
00:41:26,867 --> 00:41:30,344
Here he is.
793
00:41:30,344 --> 00:41:33,348
The limelight, Liberty Avenue.
8:00 o'clock.
794
00:41:33,358 --> 00:41:36,802
Shouldn't I see a photograph?
How will I know what he looks like?
795
00:41:36,802 --> 00:41:37,803
Oh, you don't need one.
796
00:41:37,803 --> 00:41:42,209
Trust me, you'll know.
797
00:41:42,209 --> 00:41:44,177
A new member.
798
00:41:51,102 --> 00:41:53,605
Honey...
799
00:41:53,605 --> 00:41:55,107
just start breathing
800
00:41:55,107 --> 00:41:57,042
And take a seat and I'll be right with you.
801
00:41:57,042 --> 00:42:00,547
Ah, actually, I'm looking for somebody.
802
00:42:00,547 --> 00:42:04,002
In this joint, who isn't.
803
00:42:04,002 --> 00:42:05,943
Justin.
804
00:42:10,943 --> 00:42:12,947
Friend of yours?
805
00:42:13,947 --> 00:42:15,449
Uh, do you mind if i take a break?
806
00:42:15,459 --> 00:42:18,885
Take all the time you need...
807
00:42:18,897 --> 00:42:22,281
as long as you're back in five minutes.
808
00:42:23,291 --> 00:42:24,794
What are you doing?
809
00:42:24,799 --> 00:42:27,296
I've been thinking about you since last night.
810
00:42:27,797 --> 00:42:29,783
I really missed you.
811
00:42:29,783 --> 00:42:30,784
You don't even know me.
812
00:42:30,784 --> 00:42:33,270
Sure I do. And, uh...
813
00:42:33,270 --> 00:42:35,273
you know me too.
814
00:42:35,774 --> 00:42:38,193
Look, I don't want you to come here again, okay?
815
00:42:38,693 --> 00:42:40,129
Why not?
816
00:42:40,129 --> 00:42:41,614
'Cause I said so.
817
00:42:41,614 --> 00:42:43,605
Yeah, but after what happened,
818
00:42:43,616 --> 00:42:45,117
- I thought that we could have this...
- Nothing happened.
819
00:42:45,117 --> 00:42:48,038
We fucked, that's all.
820
00:42:48,038 --> 00:42:50,040
That's not all.
821
00:42:50,040 --> 00:42:51,042
I love you.
822
00:42:51,042 --> 00:42:52,543
You don't love me.
823
00:42:52,543 --> 00:42:54,545
And from the way you kissed me, I can tell
824
00:42:54,545 --> 00:42:58,050
- that we had this connect...
- Do you know how pathetic you are?
825
00:42:58,050 --> 00:42:59,051
One lousy fuck.
826
00:42:59,501 --> 00:43:02,906
Now you're carrying on like some lovesick fairy.
827
00:43:02,906 --> 00:43:05,391
You've got a lot to learn.
828
00:43:05,391 --> 00:43:07,884
Fags will say anything to get their dicks sucked
829
00:43:07,895 --> 00:43:09,396
or fuck a nice ass.
830
00:43:09,897 --> 00:43:11,398
Then it's on to the next.
831
00:43:11,398 --> 00:43:13,835
I don't believe you.
832
00:43:13,835 --> 00:43:15,837
I know what I felt.
833
00:43:15,837 --> 00:43:18,324
Yeah well, I didn't feel anything.
834
00:43:18,324 --> 00:43:19,775
As far as I'm concerned,
835
00:43:19,775 --> 00:43:23,230
you're yesterday's fuck.
836
00:43:51,014 --> 00:43:55,071
Shouldn't you let the gardener do that?
837
00:43:56,471 --> 00:44:00,909
The gardener's good for some things.
838
00:44:01,376 --> 00:44:02,877
It's a new gardener.
839
00:44:05,314 --> 00:44:08,254
But these need special care.
840
00:44:10,254 --> 00:44:14,241
Who would think an ugly little thing like this
841
00:44:14,241 --> 00:44:16,744
could contain something so beautiful.
842
00:44:16,744 --> 00:44:19,213
I used to help my mother in the garden.
843
00:44:19,213 --> 00:44:21,717
Once I, uh, I planted a light bulb.
844
00:44:21,717 --> 00:44:24,719
Thought come spring there'd be a chandelier.
845
00:44:26,556 --> 00:44:28,541
Dumb, huh?
846
00:44:28,541 --> 00:44:30,043
Charming nevertheless.
847
00:44:30,043 --> 00:44:31,979
Oh, uh, to, um,
848
00:44:31,979 --> 00:44:33,481
to thank you for dinner, I, uh,
849
00:44:33,481 --> 00:44:36,085
I brought us some lunch.
850
00:44:36,985 --> 00:44:38,971
You really must love Burger Queen.
851
00:44:38,971 --> 00:44:41,323
I asked for extra pickles.
852
00:44:42,825 --> 00:44:45,882
That's very thoughtful of you, Fetch.
853
00:44:48,282 --> 00:44:53,204
Actually my... my real name isn't Fetch.
854
00:44:53,204 --> 00:44:56,195
It's, uh, it's Emmett.
855
00:44:59,195 --> 00:45:02,182
Nice to meet you, Emmett.
856
00:45:03,182 --> 00:45:05,185
Well.
857
00:45:05,185 --> 00:45:09,691
Um...
858
00:45:09,691 --> 00:45:14,697
Why not? Right here.
859
00:45:14,697 --> 00:45:18,133
Thank you.
860
00:45:28,563 --> 00:45:30,066
Disturbing question number one:
861
00:45:30,566 --> 00:45:32,068
How am I supposed to recognize my date
862
00:45:32,068 --> 00:45:33,569
when I've never seen him?
863
00:45:33,569 --> 00:45:35,072
Disturbing question number two:
864
00:45:35,072 --> 00:45:38,463
Why do I listen to my mother?
865
00:45:41,463 --> 00:45:44,966
Shit! Ben's here.
866
00:45:44,966 --> 00:45:46,969
This time I'm not hallucinating, it really is him.
867
00:45:47,470 --> 00:45:48,971
Disturbing question number three:
868
00:45:48,971 --> 00:45:51,975
How am I supposed to impress my date when...
869
00:45:51,975 --> 00:45:54,978
Oh fuck, Ben is my date.
870
00:45:54,978 --> 00:45:59,984
That meshuga yenta actually fixed me up with...
871
00:45:59,984 --> 00:46:01,486
Oh God, he's looking at me.
872
00:46:01,486 --> 00:46:04,994
What will I do? What will I do?
873
00:46:07,994 --> 00:46:09,496
Michael?
874
00:46:09,996 --> 00:46:10,997
Ben, what a surprise.
875
00:46:10,997 --> 00:46:13,000
Yeah, yeah, small world.
876
00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:15,002
Isn't it? Ida sure was right
877
00:46:15,002 --> 00:46:17,506
when she said I'd know who it was.
878
00:46:17,506 --> 00:46:19,508
Who?
879
00:46:20,008 --> 00:46:22,494
Ida. The matchmaker.
880
00:46:22,494 --> 00:46:24,497
My mother's gonna shit when she hears about this.
881
00:46:24,497 --> 00:46:27,450
Uh, about... about what?
882
00:46:27,450 --> 00:46:29,937
You and me.
883
00:46:29,937 --> 00:46:32,940
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, I'm, uh,...
884
00:46:33,390 --> 00:46:35,343
Aren't you here for a date?
885
00:46:35,844 --> 00:46:36,344
Yeah, yeah, I am,
886
00:46:36,845 --> 00:46:39,298
But, uh... hi.
887
00:46:39,298 --> 00:46:42,620
But not with you.
888
00:47:14,590 --> 00:47:19,100
So many men, so little body hair.
889
00:47:22,100 --> 00:47:24,102
See any you like?
890
00:47:24,102 --> 00:47:27,106
Him.
891
00:47:27,106 --> 00:47:30,075
I guess.
892
00:47:30,075 --> 00:47:32,529
You?
893
00:47:32,529 --> 00:47:34,030
Him.
894
00:47:34,030 --> 00:47:37,451
He's kind of young.
895
00:47:37,451 --> 00:47:41,389
Let's go for it.
896
00:47:41,389 --> 00:47:42,891
Or we could go home,
897
00:47:42,899 --> 00:47:44,491
just the two of us.
898
00:47:45,000 --> 00:47:47,491
What about the game?
899
00:47:49,491 --> 00:47:51,491
Fuck the game.
60637
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