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2
00:02:45,254 --> 00:02:46,778
Come on, boys!
3
00:02:47,623 --> 00:02:51,616
The way you're lollygagging around here
with them picks and them shovels...
4
00:02:52,061 --> 00:02:54,689
...you'd think it was 120๏ฟฝ...
5
00:02:55,297 --> 00:02:58,391
It cant' be more than 114.
6
00:03:01,604 --> 00:03:04,971
Dock that Chink a day's pay
for napping on the job.
7
00:03:07,710 --> 00:03:12,409
Now, come on, boys, where's your
spirit? I don't hear no singing.
8
00:03:13,115 --> 00:03:16,448
When you were slaves,
you sang like birds.
9
00:03:17,086 --> 00:03:19,646
Go on. How about a good
old nigger work song?
10
00:03:28,530 --> 00:03:32,796
"I get no kick from champagne.
11
00:03:35,771 --> 00:03:40,470
"Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all.
12
00:03:42,344 --> 00:03:45,905
"So tell me why should it be true...
13
00:03:47,983 --> 00:03:51,976
"... that I get a belt out of you?
14
00:03:55,691 --> 00:03:59,354
"Some get a kick from cocaine. "
15
00:04:03,198 --> 00:04:05,462
What the hell is that shit?
16
00:04:07,202 --> 00:04:11,070
I meant a song. A real song.
17
00:04:11,540 --> 00:04:12,700
Something like...
18
00:04:13,208 --> 00:04:17,838
"Swing low, sweet chariot... "
19
00:04:20,949 --> 00:04:22,780
Swing low? Sweet chariot?
20
00:04:23,152 --> 00:04:24,483
Don't know that one, huh?
21
00:04:26,355 --> 00:04:29,017
How about "De Camp Town Ladies"?
22
00:04:30,225 --> 00:04:32,716
"De Camp Town Ladies"?
23
00:04:36,065 --> 00:04:37,157
Ah, you know.
24
00:04:38,334 --> 00:04:42,964
"De Camp Town Ladies sing this song,
doo-dah, doo-dah.
25
00:04:43,739 --> 00:04:47,505
"De Camp Town race track five
miles long, all the doo-dah day!
26
00:04:48,077 --> 00:04:51,672
"Gonna run all night,
gonna run all day.
27
00:04:51,980 --> 00:04:55,677
"Bet my money on the bobtailed
nag, somebody bet on the bay!"
28
00:05:05,361 --> 00:05:09,195
What in the wide, wide world
of sports is going on here?
29
00:05:09,465 --> 00:05:12,093
I hired you people to try to get
a little track laid...
30
00:05:12,434 --> 00:05:15,528
...not to jump around like a
bunch of Kansas City faggots!
31
00:05:16,004 --> 00:05:18,700
Sorry, Mr. Taggart. I, I guess
we kind of got caught up.
32
00:05:19,007 --> 00:05:22,344
Dummy, the surveyors say they may
have run into some quicksand up ahead.
33
00:05:22,444 --> 00:05:23,706
Better check it out.
34
00:05:24,279 --> 00:05:27,112
Okay, I'll send down a team of
horses to check out the ground.
35
00:05:27,449 --> 00:05:32,113
Horses! We can't afford to lose
any horses, you dummy!
36
00:05:32,721 --> 00:05:34,279
Send over a couple of niggers.
37
00:05:38,227 --> 00:05:39,785
You and you.
38
00:05:42,231 --> 00:05:45,462
Sir, he specifically requested
two niggers...
39
00:05:46,668 --> 00:05:50,764
...but to tell a family secret,
my grandmother was Dutch.
40
00:05:51,306 --> 00:05:54,298
Get on that hand car and take it
down to the end of that line!
41
00:05:54,643 --> 00:05:56,110
Just trying to help you out.
42
00:05:58,347 --> 00:06:00,611
I didn't know your grandma was Dutch!
43
00:06:04,486 --> 00:06:09,150
"Oh, de Camp Town Ladies sing
this song, doo-dah, doo-dah.
44
00:06:09,992 --> 00:06:14,486
"Camp Town race track five
miles long, oh, doo-dah day.
45
00:06:15,164 --> 00:06:18,827
"Going to run all night,
going to run all day.
46
00:06:19,168 --> 00:06:23,002
"I waged my money on the bobtail nag,
somebody bet on the bay!"
47
00:06:28,177 --> 00:06:29,166
Am I wrong...
48
00:06:30,546 --> 00:06:33,674
...or is the world rising?
49
00:06:33,982 --> 00:06:37,349
I don't know, but whatever
it is, I hate it.
50
00:06:41,089 --> 00:06:42,283
Let me ask you something.
51
00:06:43,192 --> 00:06:47,856
What is it that's not exactly water,
and it's not exactly earth?
52
00:06:49,031 --> 00:06:50,396
Quicksand!
53
00:06:55,504 --> 00:06:58,473
Oh, shit, quicksand!
54
00:06:59,541 --> 00:07:01,099
Goddang, now we are in trouble!
55
00:07:01,844 --> 00:07:03,175
They're in trouble!
56
00:07:05,881 --> 00:07:07,246
Get your rope there.
Get over there quick.
57
00:07:21,497 --> 00:07:23,021
Dang, that was lucky.
58
00:07:23,499 --> 00:07:26,491
Doggone near lost a $400 hand cart.
59
00:07:33,408 --> 00:07:38,038
Yeah, we can take it right off to the,
just a little bit to the left of that hill.
60
00:07:38,914 --> 00:07:41,906
But we're going to die, Bart.
They're going to leave us here to die!
61
00:07:42,751 --> 00:07:46,152
Take it easy, Charlie.
My foot is on the rail.
62
00:07:52,261 --> 00:07:55,162
Then maybe down that canyon.
I think it's pretty level off there.
63
00:07:55,898 --> 00:07:58,867
We can't swing back to the right
'cause of that hill there.
64
00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:01,431
That looks like the way
we'll have to go from here.
65
00:08:02,371 --> 00:08:05,431
Yes, we'll put her right down
through there over that ridge.
66
00:08:10,779 --> 00:08:12,576
Well, boys, the break is over.
67
00:08:12,915 --> 00:08:15,179
Don't just lay there getting a suntan.
68
00:08:15,551 --> 00:08:17,542
Won't do you any good, anyhow!
69
00:08:19,621 --> 00:08:21,953
Take that shovel and put
her to some good use!
70
00:08:30,732 --> 00:08:31,391
What?
71
00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:33,034
Don't do that now!
72
00:08:36,405 --> 00:08:37,337
I have to.
73
00:08:37,639 --> 00:08:41,473
Send a wire to the main office
and tell them I said... OW!
74
00:08:42,811 --> 00:08:47,475
Send wire, main office,
tell them I said, "Ow". Gotcha.
75
00:08:54,623 --> 00:08:58,059
And right here, Mr. Lamarr, is
where we ran into quicksand.
76
00:08:58,860 --> 00:09:00,418
Quicksand. Splendid.
77
00:09:01,496 --> 00:09:04,488
And so the railroad has got
to go through Rock Ridge.
78
00:09:04,833 --> 00:09:06,994
Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge. Splendid.
79
00:09:07,803 --> 00:09:08,997
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
80
00:09:09,371 --> 00:09:11,430
Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge.
81
00:09:11,773 --> 00:09:13,240
Be still, Taggart. Be still.
82
00:09:14,176 --> 00:09:18,510
My mind is aglow with whirling,
transient nodes of thought...
83
00:09:18,847 --> 00:09:22,010
...careening through a
cosmic vapor of invention.
84
00:09:22,351 --> 00:09:23,010
Ditto!
85
00:09:25,787 --> 00:09:29,780
Ditto? Ditto, you provincial putz!
86
00:09:30,626 --> 00:09:31,615
I'm sorry, sir.
87
00:09:32,361 --> 00:09:34,829
A plan. We need a plan.
88
00:09:35,831 --> 00:09:37,458
What in the hell was that?
89
00:09:45,407 --> 00:09:47,034
We can't hear ourselves think!
90
00:09:50,846 --> 00:09:55,510
Sorry, your Worship, but I've got
two men home sick with the flu...
91
00:09:55,851 --> 00:09:58,120
...and it's utter chaos down here.
92
00:09:58,220 --> 00:10:00,518
I'll try to keep it
as quiet as possible.
93
00:10:01,223 --> 00:10:02,850
But as you can see...
94
00:10:05,727 --> 00:10:07,718
...this one is a doozey.
95
00:10:09,931 --> 00:10:13,298
Yes, the Doctor Gillespie killings.
Well, do your best.
96
00:10:18,373 --> 00:10:19,897
Now, let's see. Where were we?
97
00:10:20,242 --> 00:10:21,209
Rock Ridge.
98
00:10:23,145 --> 00:10:26,512
Yes, when that railroad
goes through Rock Ridge...
99
00:10:26,848 --> 00:10:30,011
...that land will be worth
millions, and I want it!
100
00:10:30,886 --> 00:10:35,152
I want that land so badly,
I can taste it.
101
00:10:37,926 --> 00:10:39,860
There must be a way.
102
00:10:41,997 --> 00:10:43,191
Clumsy fool!
103
00:10:44,299 --> 00:10:47,393
Wait a minute! There might
be a legal precedent.
104
00:10:47,836 --> 00:10:52,207
Of course! Land-snatching!
105
00:10:52,307 --> 00:10:55,470
Land. La-land. "See 'Snatch'."
106
00:10:58,513 --> 00:11:02,472
Haley vs. United States.
Haley, seven. United States, nothing.
107
00:11:02,818 --> 00:11:05,548
You see, it can be done.
It can be done.
108
00:11:06,321 --> 00:11:10,314
Unfortunately, there is one thing that
stands between me and that property.
109
00:11:10,659 --> 00:11:11,990
The rightful owners.
110
00:11:12,427 --> 00:11:15,597
There must be some way of scaring
them off, driving them out.
111
00:11:15,697 --> 00:11:18,257
Getting rid of every human being
alive in that...
112
00:11:19,668 --> 00:11:21,158
It's down the hall and to the left.
113
00:11:22,904 --> 00:11:23,768
I've got it!
114
00:11:24,072 --> 00:11:24,834
What? What?
115
00:11:25,340 --> 00:11:28,070
I know how we can run
everybody out of Rock Ridge.
116
00:11:28,577 --> 00:11:32,013
We'll kill the first-born male
child in every household!
117
00:11:33,949 --> 00:11:35,280
Too Jewish.
118
00:11:40,589 --> 00:11:42,682
We'll work up a Number Six on them!
119
00:11:42,791 --> 00:11:44,486
I'm afraid I'm not familiar
with that one.
120
00:11:44,593 --> 00:11:46,857
That's where we go
riding into town...
121
00:11:47,195 --> 00:11:49,026
...and a-whapping and a-whooping
every living thing...
122
00:11:49,131 --> 00:11:51,861
...that moves within an inch
of its life!
123
00:11:52,601 --> 00:11:54,034
Except the women folks, of course.
124
00:11:54,369 --> 00:11:55,358
You spare the women?
125
00:11:55,704 --> 00:11:59,697
No, we rape the shit out of them
at the Number Six dance later on!
126
00:12:00,041 --> 00:12:02,202
That's marvelous! That's so creative!
127
00:12:03,545 --> 00:12:05,103
Why, Taggart, you've been hurt!
128
00:12:05,447 --> 00:12:08,541
That uppity nigger hit me
on the head with a shovel.
129
00:12:10,085 --> 00:12:13,282
I'd sure appreciate it, sir, if
you could find it in your heart...
130
00:12:13,622 --> 00:12:16,614
...to hang him up by his
neck until he was dead.
131
00:12:16,958 --> 00:12:18,448
Got him locked up downstairs.
132
00:12:18,794 --> 00:12:20,955
Consider it done, stout fellow.
133
00:12:29,571 --> 00:12:31,596
I've got a special.
When can you work him in?
134
00:12:31,973 --> 00:12:36,307
I couldn't possibly fit him in
until Monday, sir. I'm booked solid.
135
00:12:36,645 --> 00:12:38,135
Monday. Splendid.
136
00:12:44,186 --> 00:12:46,848
Thank you, sir.
And don't you worry.
137
00:12:47,255 --> 00:12:50,691
We'll make Rock Ridge
think it's a chicken...
138
00:12:50,859 --> 00:12:53,623
...that got caught in a tractor's nuts!
139
00:12:58,433 --> 00:13:02,301
It's all right, Taggart. Just a man
and a horse being hung out there.
140
00:13:09,010 --> 00:13:12,104
"There was a peaceful town
called Rock Ridge,
141
00:13:13,682 --> 00:13:16,446
"... where people lived in harmony.
142
00:13:18,453 --> 00:13:21,513
"They never had no kind of trouble.
143
00:13:23,291 --> 00:13:26,021
"There was no hint of misery.
144
00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:34,801
"The town saloon was always lively...
145
00:13:36,338 --> 00:13:38,806
"... but never nasty or obscene.
146
00:13:40,475 --> 00:13:42,807
"Behind the bar stood Anal Johnson.
147
00:13:44,379 --> 00:13:46,370
"He always kept things nice and clean!
148
00:13:49,818 --> 00:13:51,581
"And all at once the trouble started.
149
00:13:52,754 --> 00:13:54,745
"A pack of murderers and thieves...
150
00:13:55,891 --> 00:13:57,882
"... like swarms of locusts
they descended...
151
00:13:59,027 --> 00:14:01,018
"... their aim to make
the townsfolk flee. "
152
00:14:29,891 --> 00:14:31,381
Well, that's the end of this suit!
153
00:14:39,868 --> 00:14:42,803
Have you ever seen such cruelty?
154
00:14:46,207 --> 00:14:50,200
"Now is a time of great decision.
155
00:14:52,881 --> 00:14:56,874
"Are we to stay or up and quit?
156
00:14:59,754 --> 00:15:03,747
"There's no avoiding this conclusion.
157
00:15:07,228 --> 00:15:11,221
"Our town is turning into shit!"
158
00:15:20,141 --> 00:15:22,132
Well, I don't have to tell you
good folks...
159
00:15:22,911 --> 00:15:25,744
...what has been happening
here in our beloved town.
160
00:15:27,148 --> 00:15:30,914
Sheriff murdered, crops burned...
161
00:15:31,419 --> 00:15:34,946
...stores looted, people stampeded...
162
00:15:35,323 --> 00:15:37,086
...and cattle raped!
163
00:15:39,327 --> 00:15:43,991
Now the time has come to act.
And act fast!
164
00:15:47,335 --> 00:15:48,427
I'm leaving.
165
00:15:49,104 --> 00:15:53,768
You get back here, you old
pious, candy-ass sidewinder!
166
00:15:54,509 --> 00:15:58,172
There ain't no way that nobody
is going to leave this town!
167
00:15:59,981 --> 00:16:03,610
Hell, I was born here
and I was raised here...
168
00:16:03,952 --> 00:16:06,216
...and goddamn it,
I'm going to die here!
169
00:16:06,554 --> 00:16:10,149
And no sidewinder,
bushwhacking, hornswoggling...
170
00:16:10,492 --> 00:16:14,792
...cracker croaker, is going
to ruin my biscuit-cutter!
171
00:16:21,503 --> 00:16:23,403
Now who can argue with that?
172
00:16:27,008 --> 00:16:29,306
I think we're all indebted
to Gabby Johnson...
173
00:16:29,711 --> 00:16:32,544
...for clearly stating
what needed to be said.
174
00:16:33,481 --> 00:16:35,574
I'm particularly glad that
these lovely children...
175
00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:37,411
...were here today to hear that speech.
176
00:16:38,053 --> 00:16:41,216
Not only was it authentic
frontier gibberish...
177
00:16:41,990 --> 00:16:45,323
...it expressed a courage
little seen in this day and age!
178
00:16:47,228 --> 00:16:48,661
What are we made of?
179
00:16:49,898 --> 00:16:52,196
Our fathers came across the prairie...
180
00:16:52,667 --> 00:16:56,330
...fought Indians, fought drought,
fought locusts, fought Dix!
181
00:16:56,671 --> 00:17:00,334
Remember when Richard Dix came in here
and tried to take over this town?
182
00:17:01,342 --> 00:17:03,003
Well, we didn't give up then...
183
00:17:03,411 --> 00:17:07,609
...and by gum, we're not
going to give up now!
184
00:17:13,354 --> 00:17:14,514
Olson Johnson is right!
185
00:17:15,423 --> 00:17:20,087
What kind of people are we, anyhow?
I say we stay and fight it out!
186
00:17:21,629 --> 00:17:25,895
Dr. Samuel Johnson is right about
Olson Johnson's being right.
187
00:17:26,234 --> 00:17:28,134
And I'm not giving up
my ice cream parlor...
188
00:17:28,236 --> 00:17:30,898
...that I built with these two hands
for nothing or nobody!
189
00:17:32,574 --> 00:17:34,201
Howard Johnson is right!
190
00:17:37,912 --> 00:17:42,576
Well, if we're going to stay, and
I think it's a big mistake...
191
00:17:44,152 --> 00:17:48,054
...we're going to need a new sheriff.
Now, who is it going to be?
192
00:17:49,124 --> 00:17:52,252
Why don't we wire the governor
to send us a sheriff?
193
00:17:52,594 --> 00:17:54,824
Why should we get our own men killed?
194
00:17:55,296 --> 00:17:58,732
Howard Johnson is right.
We'll wire the governor.
195
00:18:00,168 --> 00:18:04,468
Then let us pray for the deliverance
of our new sheriff.
196
00:18:05,140 --> 00:18:07,506
Will the congregation please rise?
197
00:18:09,177 --> 00:18:13,841
I shall now read from the books
of Matthew, Mark, Luke...
198
00:18:16,417 --> 00:18:17,406
...and duck!
199
00:18:27,662 --> 00:18:29,653
We've got to do something at once!
200
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:34,897
Governor, may I disturb
you for a moment, sir?
201
00:18:35,470 --> 00:18:39,236
If you will just sign this, governor.
Right here.
202
00:18:39,641 --> 00:18:40,972
Yes, what the hell is it?
203
00:18:41,309 --> 00:18:42,644
Well, under the provisions
of this bill...
204
00:18:42,744 --> 00:18:45,975
...we would snatch 200,000 acres
of Indian territory...
205
00:18:46,381 --> 00:18:48,316
...which we have deemed unsafe
for their use at this time.
206
00:18:48,416 --> 00:18:50,384
They're such children.
207
00:18:50,685 --> 00:18:53,221
200,000 acres!
200,000 acres!
208
00:18:53,321 --> 00:18:55,380
What will it cost, man?
What will it cost?
209
00:18:57,492 --> 00:18:59,153
A box of these.
210
00:18:59,627 --> 00:19:02,494
Are you crazy? They'll never go
for it, and then again they might.
211
00:19:02,830 --> 00:19:05,424
The little red devils, they
love toys. May I try one?
212
00:19:08,670 --> 00:19:09,932
These things are defective.
213
00:19:13,508 --> 00:19:14,941
Right as usual, sir.
214
00:19:16,010 --> 00:19:16,942
Show-off!
215
00:19:17,278 --> 00:19:19,337
Just sign this, sir. Right here.
216
00:19:19,681 --> 00:19:21,148
Okay, give us a hand here.
217
00:19:22,283 --> 00:19:23,341
Work, work, work.
218
00:19:25,153 --> 00:19:27,519
Hello, boys, have a good night's rest?
I missed you.
219
00:19:27,855 --> 00:19:30,346
Just one more bill for you to sign, sir.
220
00:19:30,692 --> 00:19:31,681
What is this?
221
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,360
This is the bill that will convert
the State Hospital for the Insane...
222
00:19:34,696 --> 00:19:38,132
...into the William J. Le Petomane
Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane.
223
00:19:38,466 --> 00:19:39,296
Gentlemen, this...
224
00:19:39,634 --> 00:19:41,903
...this bill will be
a giant step forward...
225
00:19:42,003 --> 00:19:44,301
...in the treatment
of the insane gambler.
226
00:19:44,806 --> 00:19:46,296
Yes, bravo! Beautiful.
227
00:19:49,577 --> 00:19:50,805
Thank you, Hedy. Thank you.
228
00:19:51,145 --> 00:19:54,137
It's not Hedy. It's Hedley.
Hedley Lamarr.
229
00:19:54,482 --> 00:19:56,751
What the hell are you worried about?
230
00:19:56,851 --> 00:19:59,149
This is 1874.
You'll be able to sue her.
231
00:20:11,032 --> 00:20:12,363
All right, help me in with this.
232
00:20:13,701 --> 00:20:15,032
Just, ah, think of your secretary.
233
00:20:15,536 --> 00:20:17,367
Ah, that was a very good suggestion.
234
00:20:18,740 --> 00:20:21,174
Okay, is that it? Anything else?
235
00:20:21,576 --> 00:20:23,737
Just this urgent telegram
from Rock Ridge.
236
00:20:24,212 --> 00:20:25,338
It arrived last Friday.
237
00:20:26,781 --> 00:20:27,839
Read it, read it.
238
00:20:29,117 --> 00:20:33,281
"Sheriff murdered. Church meeting
bombed. Reign of terror must cease.
239
00:20:33,755 --> 00:20:35,222
"Send new sheriff immediately. "
240
00:20:35,690 --> 00:20:37,021
Holy underwear!
241
00:20:37,925 --> 00:20:40,917
Sheriff murdered. Innocent women
and children blown to bits!
242
00:20:41,729 --> 00:20:43,665
We've got to protect our
phony-baloney jobs, gentlemen.
243
00:20:43,765 --> 00:20:47,394
We must do something about this
immediately, immediately, immediately!
244
00:20:50,571 --> 00:20:51,936
I didn't get a "hrumph" out of that guy!
245
00:20:52,273 --> 00:20:53,433
Give the governor a "hrumph. "
246
00:20:54,609 --> 00:20:55,701
You watch your ass.
247
00:20:56,311 --> 00:20:58,279
Gentlemen, please, rest your sphincters.
248
00:20:58,613 --> 00:20:59,443
Well put.
249
00:21:00,615 --> 00:21:02,776
As Attorney General, I can assure you...
250
00:21:03,051 --> 00:21:06,578
...that a suitable sheriff will be found
to restore the peace in Rock Ridge.
251
00:21:06,921 --> 00:21:08,252
Meeting is adjourned.
252
00:21:08,589 --> 00:21:11,956
Oh, I am sorry, sir. I didn't mean
to overstep my bounds. You say that.
253
00:21:12,293 --> 00:21:12,952
What?
254
00:21:13,294 --> 00:21:14,124
- Meeting is adjourned.
- It is?
255
00:21:14,829 --> 00:21:16,160
No. You say that, governor.
256
00:21:16,531 --> 00:21:17,799
- What?
- Meeting is adjourned.
257
00:21:17,899 --> 00:21:18,558
It is?
258
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:21,792
Here, play around with this for a while.
They are sweeping the country.
259
00:21:23,304 --> 00:21:24,999
Why don't you give these out
to some of the boys...
260
00:21:25,273 --> 00:21:27,036
...in lieu of pay? Here you go.
261
00:21:29,444 --> 00:21:31,969
And one for Miss Stein,
my beloved secretary.
262
00:21:32,313 --> 00:21:35,407
Play with these, boys,
in lieu of the other things.
263
00:21:36,951 --> 00:21:38,475
This friggin' thing is warped.
264
00:21:40,555 --> 00:21:42,420
Why do I always get a warped one?
265
00:21:45,593 --> 00:21:49,996
A sheriff! But law and order
is the last thing I want.
266
00:21:51,766 --> 00:21:56,430
Wait a minute. Maybe I could
turn this thing to my advantage.
267
00:21:57,438 --> 00:22:02,102
If I could find a sheriff who so
offends the citizens of Rock Ridge...
268
00:22:02,510 --> 00:22:05,502
...that his very appearance
would drive them out of town...
269
00:22:08,216 --> 00:22:09,843
But where would I find such a man?
270
00:22:11,352 --> 00:22:12,512
Why am I asking you?
271
00:22:22,630 --> 00:22:26,327
Welcome to Hanging House.
Not to worry...
272
00:22:26,868 --> 00:22:28,995
...everyone is equal in my eye.
273
00:22:47,054 --> 00:22:48,749
Oh, not my ear!
274
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:53,692
Governor!
275
00:22:56,130 --> 00:22:57,324
Official business, sir.
276
00:22:57,698 --> 00:22:58,858
Is it important?
277
00:22:59,333 --> 00:23:00,664
It's very crucial.
278
00:23:02,003 --> 00:23:02,992
Be with you in a minute.
279
00:23:03,905 --> 00:23:05,896
Throw something on
and stay in that position.
280
00:23:08,509 --> 00:23:12,502
Forgive me, I was just, ah, walking
the parapet, taking a look around.
281
00:23:12,847 --> 00:23:13,711
What can I do for you?
282
00:23:14,048 --> 00:23:15,379
Governor, as per your instructions...
283
00:23:15,483 --> 00:23:18,145
...I'd like you to meet
the new sheriff of Rock Ridge.
284
00:23:18,853 --> 00:23:20,377
I'd be delighted... Wow!
285
00:23:21,789 --> 00:23:23,725
I've got to talk to you. Come here.
Have you gone berserk?
286
00:23:23,825 --> 00:23:26,487
Can't you see that man is a nig...
287
00:23:30,264 --> 00:23:33,062
Wrong person. Forgive me.
No offense intended.
288
00:23:34,802 --> 00:23:38,169
Have you gone berserk?
Can't you see that man is a nig?
289
00:23:38,673 --> 00:23:39,970
Don't worry, sir.
290
00:23:40,408 --> 00:23:42,543
Now, Hedley, I've always
trusted your judgment before...
291
00:23:42,643 --> 00:23:44,873
...but haven't you taken a giant leap
away from your good senses?
292
00:23:44,979 --> 00:23:47,277
Please, don't fly off the handle, sir.
293
00:23:47,448 --> 00:23:49,780
I'm about to make you
an historic figure.
294
00:23:50,751 --> 00:23:53,083
Maybe even get you a cabinet post.
295
00:23:53,421 --> 00:23:54,615
A cabinet post!
296
00:23:55,256 --> 00:23:56,120
Did you say that?
297
00:23:56,958 --> 00:23:57,788
Wonderful!
298
00:23:58,125 --> 00:24:02,323
Yes, the first man ever to appoint
a black sheriff! Just think, sir...
299
00:24:02,797 --> 00:24:03,991
...Washington, Jefferson...
300
00:24:04,298 --> 00:24:04,957
...Lincoln.
301
00:24:05,299 --> 00:24:06,391
Le Petomane!
302
00:24:07,502 --> 00:24:09,732
Sir, you have the seeds
of greatness in you.
303
00:24:10,238 --> 00:24:13,139
Nurse them, caress them,
pour water on them.
304
00:24:13,774 --> 00:24:15,833
Don't short-change yourself, sir.
305
00:24:16,577 --> 00:24:19,740
It will never work.
They'll kill him dead in one day!
306
00:24:20,081 --> 00:24:24,313
One day is all we'll need to secure your
name in the annals of Western history.
307
00:24:24,652 --> 00:24:27,212
And to get for you
a nomination for, dare I say...?
308
00:24:27,655 --> 00:24:28,451
Dare, dare!
309
00:24:28,789 --> 00:24:29,813
The Presidency!
310
00:24:30,925 --> 00:24:33,291
Hail to the Chief!
Hail to the Chief!
311
00:24:42,103 --> 00:24:44,264
"Four score and seven years ago...
312
00:24:44,605 --> 00:24:47,733
"... our forefathers
brought forth on this... "
313
00:24:48,175 --> 00:24:49,164
Are you coming back?
314
00:24:49,510 --> 00:24:50,340
In a moment, dear.
315
00:24:51,112 --> 00:24:55,776
Gentlemen, affairs of state must take
precedent over the affairs of state.
316
00:24:56,551 --> 00:24:58,018
Yes, of course, sir, we understand.
317
00:24:58,753 --> 00:24:59,845
Will you make all the arrangements?
318
00:25:00,187 --> 00:25:01,518
I will make all the arrangements.
319
00:25:01,789 --> 00:25:03,188
Especially the funeral.
320
00:25:05,059 --> 00:25:09,325
Good luck, good luck, boys.
Wonderful working with you. Good luck!
321
00:26:14,428 --> 00:26:17,591
Hurry up, get those flags up.
He'll be here soon.
322
00:26:18,966 --> 00:26:21,400
I just got a telegram from
the governor's office.
323
00:26:21,669 --> 00:26:23,330
The sheriff will be here at noon!
324
00:26:24,071 --> 00:26:27,563
Noon! I'd better rehearse my speech!
325
00:26:29,644 --> 00:26:32,977
"As Honorary Chairman of
the Welcoming Committee...
326
00:26:33,347 --> 00:26:37,977
"... it is my privilege to extend to you
a laurel and hearty handshake!"
327
00:26:39,987 --> 00:26:40,715
Wonderful!
328
00:26:41,055 --> 00:26:41,885
Excellent!
329
00:26:42,890 --> 00:26:44,221
Can you see him yet?
330
00:26:49,497 --> 00:26:50,486
The sheriff is coming!
331
00:26:51,966 --> 00:26:54,059
Ring out the church bell!
332
00:27:10,251 --> 00:27:13,084
Hey, the sheriff is a n...
333
00:27:14,288 --> 00:27:15,152
What did he say?
334
00:27:15,489 --> 00:27:16,956
The sheriff is near!
335
00:27:17,591 --> 00:27:22,028
No, no, dag blame it, gol darn
it, the sheriff is a n...
336
00:27:43,617 --> 00:27:46,415
As Chairman of the
Welcoming Committee...
337
00:27:46,721 --> 00:27:51,420
...it is my privilege to extend a laurel
and hearty handshake to our new...
338
00:27:55,796 --> 00:27:56,524
...nigger.
339
00:28:25,793 --> 00:28:28,284
Excuse me while I whip this out.
340
00:28:34,034 --> 00:28:36,696
"By the power vested in me by...
341
00:28:36,971 --> 00:28:40,304
"... the Honorable
William J. Le Petomane...
342
00:28:46,247 --> 00:28:47,475
"... I hereby assume the duties...
343
00:28:47,648 --> 00:28:50,913
"... of the Office of Sheriff in and for
the Township of Rock Ridge. "
344
00:28:51,952 --> 00:28:54,580
Gentlemen, let us not allow anger
to rule the day.
345
00:28:55,055 --> 00:28:57,546
As your spiritual leader,
I implore you...
346
00:28:57,892 --> 00:29:00,258
...to pay heed to this good
book and what it has to say.
347
00:29:03,631 --> 00:29:06,429
Son, you're on your own!
348
00:29:11,405 --> 00:29:12,133
Hold it!
349
00:29:12,973 --> 00:29:15,635
The next man makes a move,
the nigger gets it!
350
00:29:20,281 --> 00:29:22,943
Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.
351
00:29:23,284 --> 00:29:26,151
Listen to him, men.
He's just crazy enough to do it.
352
00:29:26,487 --> 00:29:29,854
Drop it! Or I swear I'll blow this
nigger's head all over this town!
353
00:29:31,525 --> 00:29:36,224
Oh, Lordy, Lord, he's desperate!
Do what he say! Do what he say!
354
00:29:53,447 --> 00:29:56,007
Isn't anybody going to
help that poor man?
355
00:29:56,483 --> 00:29:58,974
Hush, Harriet. That's a
sure way to get him killed.
356
00:30:00,754 --> 00:30:01,880
Help me, help me...
357
00:30:03,190 --> 00:30:04,555
...somebody help me!
358
00:30:07,228 --> 00:30:07,887
Shut up!
359
00:30:12,299 --> 00:30:16,793
Oh, baby, you are so talented.
360
00:30:17,338 --> 00:30:19,499
And they are so dumb!
361
00:30:28,015 --> 00:30:29,004
Goddamn it!
362
00:30:29,350 --> 00:30:30,578
I said, "Order"!
363
00:30:31,919 --> 00:30:36,583
You know, Nietzsche says,
"Out of chaos comes order. "
364
00:30:37,191 --> 00:30:38,886
Oh, blow it out your ass, Howard!
365
00:30:41,829 --> 00:30:43,820
Now everyone be quiet...
366
00:30:44,698 --> 00:30:49,362
...whilst we listen to Harriet van
Johnson, our esteemed schoolmarm...
367
00:30:51,205 --> 00:30:55,869
...as she reads a telegram that she
herself has composed to the governor...
368
00:30:57,511 --> 00:31:02,175
...expressing our feelings
about the new sheriff.
369
00:31:10,257 --> 00:31:12,248
"To the Honorable William J.
Le Petomane, Governor. "
370
00:31:12,593 --> 00:31:14,083
Louder! Speak up! We can't hear you!
371
00:31:16,130 --> 00:31:17,961
I'm not used to public speaking.
372
00:31:20,267 --> 00:31:24,931
"We, the white, God-fearing
citizens of Rock Ridge...
373
00:31:26,273 --> 00:31:30,141
"... wish to express
our extreme displeasure...
374
00:31:30,477 --> 00:31:32,468
"... with your choice of sheriff.
375
00:31:33,147 --> 00:31:36,082
"Please remove him immediately.
376
00:31:38,385 --> 00:31:41,718
"The fact that you
have sent him here... "
377
00:31:42,556 --> 00:31:47,220
"... just goes to prove that you are
the leading asshole in the state. "
378
00:32:11,485 --> 00:32:13,953
The drunk in number two must be awake.
379
00:32:19,693 --> 00:32:21,126
Are we awake?
380
00:32:25,666 --> 00:32:27,156
We're not sure.
381
00:32:28,602 --> 00:32:30,900
Are we black?
382
00:32:31,305 --> 00:32:32,294
Yes, we are.
383
00:32:34,341 --> 00:32:38,471
Then we're awake.
But we're very puzzled.
384
00:32:40,481 --> 00:32:43,279
I think I better straighten myself out.
385
00:32:46,820 --> 00:32:47,912
Need any help?
386
00:32:51,225 --> 00:32:52,556
All I can get.
387
00:33:04,872 --> 00:33:06,965
That's okay. Sit down over here.
388
00:33:18,218 --> 00:33:20,209
Hey, maybe you should
eat something first.
389
00:33:20,754 --> 00:33:23,552
No, thanks. Food makes me sick.
390
00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:37,466
A man drinks like that and doesn't eat,
he is going to die.
391
00:33:40,174 --> 00:33:40,970
When?
392
00:33:44,344 --> 00:33:45,208
What's your name?
393
00:33:45,779 --> 00:33:49,374
Well, my name is Jim,
but most people call me...
394
00:33:52,419 --> 00:33:53,181
...Jim.
395
00:33:55,856 --> 00:33:59,792
Okay, Jim, since you are my
guest and I am your host...
396
00:34:00,127 --> 00:34:02,891
...what is your pleasure?
What do you like to do?
397
00:34:03,697 --> 00:34:06,359
Oh, I don't know. Play chess...
398
00:34:08,435 --> 00:34:09,493
...screw.
399
00:34:10,871 --> 00:34:12,202
Well, let's play chess.
400
00:34:16,243 --> 00:34:17,005
Checkmate.
401
00:34:20,147 --> 00:34:20,909
Checkmate.
402
00:34:21,582 --> 00:34:24,016
Why, you devious son-of-a-bitch!
403
00:34:24,885 --> 00:34:26,011
Happy days!
404
00:34:35,796 --> 00:34:37,559
Man, why do you do that to yourself?
405
00:34:38,899 --> 00:34:41,060
Oh, you don't really want to know that.
406
00:34:41,635 --> 00:34:42,533
I do, I do!
407
00:34:43,070 --> 00:34:44,662
Well, if you must pry.
408
00:34:45,038 --> 00:34:46,164
I must, I must!
409
00:34:47,774 --> 00:34:50,436
I don't know if you ever
heard of me before, but...
410
00:34:51,345 --> 00:34:55,543
...I used to be called the Waco Kid.
411
00:34:57,117 --> 00:35:00,848
The Waco Kid. He had the
fastest hands in the West!
412
00:35:02,623 --> 00:35:03,851
In the world!
413
00:35:04,958 --> 00:35:07,119
Well, if you're the Kid,
then show me something.
414
00:35:08,862 --> 00:35:13,561
Maybe a couple of years ago I could
have shown you something, but today...
415
00:35:16,103 --> 00:35:17,195
...look at that.
416
00:35:17,571 --> 00:35:18,868
Steady as a rock.
417
00:35:19,473 --> 00:35:21,566
Yes, but I shoot with this hand.
418
00:35:22,609 --> 00:35:26,773
See, I knew you weren't the Waco Kid.
You were just pulling my lariat.
419
00:35:42,996 --> 00:35:43,894
See that king?
420
00:35:45,699 --> 00:35:47,599
Put your hands on both sides of it.
421
00:35:51,605 --> 00:35:55,097
Now when I say, "go,"
you try to grab it first.
422
00:35:55,976 --> 00:35:58,911
Man, that's no contest.
You're a mile away.
423
00:36:03,116 --> 00:36:07,610
Anyway, when you hear the word
"go," you just try to grab it.
424
00:36:09,022 --> 00:36:09,681
Ready?
425
00:36:30,744 --> 00:36:32,075
You looking for this?
426
00:36:36,917 --> 00:36:41,217
Well, raise my rent!
You are the Kid!
427
00:36:41,555 --> 00:36:44,581
Was. Yeah, I was the Kid.
428
00:36:47,527 --> 00:36:48,459
What happened?
429
00:36:49,896 --> 00:36:52,232
Well, it got so that every
piss-ant prairie punk...
430
00:36:52,332 --> 00:36:54,562
...who thought he could
shoot a gun...
431
00:36:54,801 --> 00:36:57,668
...would ride into town
to try out the Waco Kid.
432
00:37:00,607 --> 00:37:03,906
I must have killed more men
than Cecil B. DeMille.
433
00:37:05,312 --> 00:37:06,574
It got pretty gritty.
434
00:37:07,447 --> 00:37:10,109
I started to hear the
word "draw" in my sleep.
435
00:37:13,053 --> 00:37:14,111
Then one day...
436
00:37:15,088 --> 00:37:19,752
...I was just walking down the street
and I heard a voice behind me say...
437
00:37:21,795 --> 00:37:25,492
..."Reach for it, mister!"
I spun around.
438
00:37:28,068 --> 00:37:30,263
And there I was face to face...
439
00:37:32,739 --> 00:37:35,401
...with a 6-year-old kid!
440
00:37:39,846 --> 00:37:43,213
Well, I just threw my guns
down and walked away.
441
00:37:46,486 --> 00:37:49,319
The little bastard shot me in the ass!
442
00:37:52,225 --> 00:37:56,855
So I limped to the nearest saloon,
crawled inside a whiskey bottle...
443
00:37:59,466 --> 00:38:01,161
...and I've been there ever since.
444
00:38:05,806 --> 00:38:06,534
Have a drink.
445
00:38:13,714 --> 00:38:18,378
Anyway, that's all ancient history.
Now you tell me your story.
446
00:38:18,752 --> 00:38:23,018
What's a dazzling urbanite like you
doing in a rustic setting like this?
447
00:38:24,324 --> 00:38:25,655
If you really must pry.
448
00:38:26,660 --> 00:38:28,184
I must, I must!
449
00:38:33,033 --> 00:38:35,695
Well, back in '56...
450
00:38:36,169 --> 00:38:39,832
...my folks and I were part
of this long wagon train...
451
00:38:40,407 --> 00:38:41,396
...moving West.
452
00:38:54,888 --> 00:38:57,220
Well, not exactly part of it.
453
00:38:58,191 --> 00:39:02,287
You might say we were bringing up
the rear, when suddenly,
454
00:39:02,696 --> 00:39:06,257
...from out of the West,
came the entire Sioux Nation!
455
00:39:06,600 --> 00:39:10,536
And let me tell you, baby,
they were open for business!
456
00:39:14,641 --> 00:39:18,441
Naturally, the white folks
didn't let us travel in their circle...
457
00:39:18,912 --> 00:39:19,970
...so we made our own.
458
00:39:56,616 --> 00:39:58,083
Shvartzes?
459
00:40:06,259 --> 00:40:09,023
Luzem gayen!
460
00:40:13,800 --> 00:40:15,631
Cop a walk. It's all right.
461
00:40:15,869 --> 00:40:16,699
Thank you.
462
00:40:18,805 --> 00:40:21,035
Abi gezunt. Take off.
463
00:40:29,616 --> 00:40:31,880
They're darker than us!
464
00:40:35,388 --> 00:40:37,652
And the rest is history.
465
00:40:39,493 --> 00:40:40,653
Impressed?
466
00:40:46,166 --> 00:40:49,033
Always like to keep my audience riveted.
467
00:41:42,956 --> 00:41:44,514
How about some more beans,
Mr. Taggart?
468
00:41:44,858 --> 00:41:46,621
I'd say you've had enough!
469
00:41:50,597 --> 00:41:54,863
I understand there's a new sheriff
in town. Who wants to kill him?
470
00:42:01,541 --> 00:42:04,942
Why don't we give him to Mongo?
471
00:42:08,815 --> 00:42:10,806
Holy shit, that's too cruel!
472
00:42:11,918 --> 00:42:15,081
I'll be danged! That is a unique idea!
473
00:42:23,296 --> 00:42:25,730
Down, boy, down, boy,
down, Mongo!
474
00:42:26,499 --> 00:42:27,659
Hey, it's me. Taggart.
475
00:42:28,635 --> 00:42:29,829
Here, smell. Smell.
476
00:42:33,773 --> 00:42:35,604
That's a good Mongo.
477
00:42:36,943 --> 00:42:41,004
Hey, how about it? How would you
like to mutilate that new sheriff?
478
00:42:46,519 --> 00:42:47,679
Have a cigar.
479
00:43:28,561 --> 00:43:30,688
Oh, by the way,
I got a note this morning.
480
00:43:31,064 --> 00:43:31,894
From who?
481
00:43:32,232 --> 00:43:36,396
Well, I'm not sure.
It was addressed to the Deputy Spade.
482
00:43:40,674 --> 00:43:43,507
Well, once I establish
myself in this town...
483
00:43:43,843 --> 00:43:47,176
...Deputy Spade might turn
out to be a groovy position.
484
00:43:57,323 --> 00:44:00,349
Listen, Bart,
I want you to do me a favor.
485
00:44:01,594 --> 00:44:03,528
I don't want you going
out there this morning.
486
00:44:03,897 --> 00:44:06,161
You can't win these people
over, no matter what you do.
487
00:44:06,533 --> 00:44:08,091
They're just not going to accept you.
488
00:44:18,778 --> 00:44:21,770
I'm glad those fingers ain't loaded!
489
00:44:25,452 --> 00:44:27,079
Just like old times.
490
00:44:31,391 --> 00:44:36,055
Like I told you, once you establish
yourself, they've got to accept you.
491
00:44:37,564 --> 00:44:38,553
Catch you later.
492
00:44:43,603 --> 00:44:44,297
Good luck.
493
00:44:52,946 --> 00:44:53,935
Ah, good morning, ma'am.
494
00:44:55,815 --> 00:44:57,806
And isn't it a lovely morning?
495
00:44:58,651 --> 00:45:00,084
Up yours, nigger!
496
00:45:04,758 --> 00:45:07,818
What did you expect?
"Welcome, sonny. "
497
00:45:09,095 --> 00:45:10,494
"Make yourself at home. "
498
00:45:11,998 --> 00:45:16,662
"Marry my daughter. " You've got to
remember these are just simple farmers.
499
00:45:18,004 --> 00:45:20,336
These are people of the land.
500
00:45:21,341 --> 00:45:24,572
The common clay of the new West.
501
00:45:26,312 --> 00:45:27,336
You know.
502
00:45:29,516 --> 00:45:30,505
Morons!
503
00:45:34,988 --> 00:45:36,319
What the hell is that?
504
00:45:51,704 --> 00:45:54,696
Mongo! Santa Mar๏ฟฝa!
505
00:45:57,110 --> 00:45:59,010
I believe in it.
And if any one of you...
506
00:45:59,179 --> 00:46:00,771
...friends and neighbors,
kind of gather around and...
507
00:46:01,381 --> 00:46:03,315
Holy shit!
508
00:46:08,488 --> 00:46:13,187
And they say that now in Paris,
France, even as we speak...
509
00:46:14,194 --> 00:46:17,527
...Louis Pasteur has devised
a new vaccine...
510
00:46:17,697 --> 00:46:20,530
...that will obliterate anthrax
once and for all.
511
00:46:26,339 --> 00:46:28,705
Hey, you can't park
that animal over there!
512
00:46:29,075 --> 00:46:30,167
It's illegal.
513
00:46:37,917 --> 00:46:42,411
Think of it, gentlemen. Hoof-and-
mouth disease a thing of the past!
514
00:46:43,223 --> 00:46:46,659
Never mind that shit,
here comes Mongo!
515
00:46:52,932 --> 00:46:54,263
I don't know what it is.
516
00:47:01,407 --> 00:47:03,343
Sheriff, Mongo's back!
He's breaking up the whole town!
517
00:47:03,443 --> 00:47:05,311
You've got to help us, please!
518
00:47:05,411 --> 00:47:07,709
Did you hear that? Now it's "please. "
519
00:47:08,047 --> 00:47:12,507
This morning I couldn't get the time
of day. Who is this Mongo, anyway?
520
00:47:12,852 --> 00:47:15,878
Well, Mongo ain't exactly a "who. "
He's more of a "what. "
521
00:47:16,356 --> 00:47:17,254
What he said.
522
00:47:17,590 --> 00:47:18,682
Well, I don't know...
523
00:47:19,259 --> 00:47:21,557
Oh, thank you very much!
524
00:47:23,796 --> 00:47:25,024
The fool's going to...
525
00:47:25,932 --> 00:47:27,866
I mean, the sheriff's going to do it.
526
00:47:33,873 --> 00:47:38,139
No, no, don't do that! If you shoot
him, you'll just make him mad.
527
00:47:49,589 --> 00:47:50,920
Candygram for Mongo!
528
00:48:04,237 --> 00:48:04,896
Me, Mongo.
529
00:48:05,338 --> 00:48:06,498
Sign, please.
530
00:48:17,450 --> 00:48:19,077
Mongo like candy.
531
00:48:26,259 --> 00:48:28,250
A little further down, to the right.
532
00:48:29,028 --> 00:48:31,564
I thought sure that Mongo
would mash him up...
533
00:48:31,664 --> 00:48:33,655
...into little bitty sheriff meatballs.
534
00:48:34,367 --> 00:48:35,766
I just don't understand it.
535
00:48:36,102 --> 00:48:37,262
Be still, Taggart.
536
00:48:38,304 --> 00:48:40,932
My mind is a raging torrent...
537
00:48:41,274 --> 00:48:43,174
...flooded with rivulets of thought...
538
00:48:43,276 --> 00:48:46,609
...cascading into a waterfall
of creative alternatives.
539
00:48:47,947 --> 00:48:50,040
Gol darn it, Mr. Lamarr...
540
00:48:50,416 --> 00:48:53,817
...you use your tongue prettier
than a $20 whore.
541
00:48:59,092 --> 00:49:01,754
Wait a minute, that's it!
542
00:49:03,896 --> 00:49:05,193
And it will work!
543
00:49:05,565 --> 00:49:08,056
You bet it will! What will work?
544
00:49:08,501 --> 00:49:09,991
Elementary, cactus-head!
545
00:49:10,336 --> 00:49:11,667
The beast has failed.
546
00:49:11,804 --> 00:49:14,671
And when the beast fails,
it's time to call in beauty.
547
00:49:16,976 --> 00:49:17,635
Beauty?
548
00:49:20,079 --> 00:49:23,310
She's never failed me before.
She'll turn him into jelly!
549
00:49:23,649 --> 00:49:25,640
She'll bring him to his knees!
550
00:49:28,187 --> 00:49:31,122
Where's my froggie?
Where's my froggie?
551
00:49:31,457 --> 00:49:33,584
I don't know.
I didn't see it when I came in.
552
00:49:33,926 --> 00:49:35,450
Damn your eyes, look for it!
553
00:49:43,536 --> 00:49:44,468
Oh, there it is.
554
00:49:50,243 --> 00:49:54,942
That was a close one! Daddy loves
Froggie. Froggie love Daddy?
555
00:50:05,124 --> 00:50:06,682
I don't know how you did it.
556
00:50:07,193 --> 00:50:08,490
He was nothing.
557
00:50:08,828 --> 00:50:11,331
The bitch was inventing
the candygram.
558
00:50:11,431 --> 00:50:13,922
They probably won't give me
credit for it.
559
00:50:23,242 --> 00:50:24,709
Good evening, sheriff.
560
00:50:25,044 --> 00:50:27,478
Sorry about the "Up yours, nigger. "
561
00:50:27,780 --> 00:50:31,546
I hope this apple pie will in some
small way say thank you for your...
562
00:50:31,884 --> 00:50:35,547
...ingenuity and courage in
defeating that horrible Mongo.
563
00:50:36,055 --> 00:50:38,546
Thank you. Much obliged.
Good night.
564
00:50:48,734 --> 00:50:52,795
Of course, you'll have the good taste
not to mention that I spoke to you.
565
00:50:58,311 --> 00:51:02,748
I'm rapidly becoming a big
underground success in this town.
566
00:51:03,082 --> 00:51:06,916
See, in another 25 years you'll be able
to shake their hands in broad daylight.
567
00:51:07,286 --> 00:51:09,754
Well, I'm not going to
hold my breath for it.
568
00:51:10,123 --> 00:51:14,526
Come on, I don't want to be late.
Lili von Shtupp is opening tonight.
569
00:51:15,261 --> 00:51:16,592
Lili von who?
570
00:51:31,444 --> 00:51:35,540
Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome.
Come on in.
571
00:51:40,620 --> 00:51:43,054
It's Hedley. For you, my dear.
572
00:51:44,490 --> 00:51:47,425
Oh, how ordinary.
573
00:51:51,264 --> 00:51:54,131
Oh, Lili, Lili, Lili, legs, Lili, Lili!
574
00:51:55,801 --> 00:51:58,793
I can't find the words to
truly express my joy...
575
00:51:59,005 --> 00:52:01,064
...at the rekindling of our association.
576
00:52:01,841 --> 00:52:04,469
Bullshit, what's the job?
577
00:52:06,812 --> 00:52:08,473
I love it when you talk dirty.
578
00:52:21,093 --> 00:52:23,891
Come on, Lamarr, let's get down to
bwass tacks.
579
00:52:24,030 --> 00:52:26,191
What do you want me to do?
580
00:52:27,800 --> 00:52:31,702
I want you to seduce and abandon
the sheriff of Rock Ridge.
581
00:52:32,305 --> 00:52:33,465
You think you can do it?
582
00:52:36,209 --> 00:52:37,676
Is Bismark a hewwing?
583
00:52:38,044 --> 00:52:41,172
Oh, Lili, you're magnificent! Kiss me!
584
00:52:53,426 --> 00:52:57,988
And now, folks, the gal
you've all been waiting for...
585
00:52:58,431 --> 00:53:03,130
...the Bavarian Bombshell herself!
Let's hear it for Lili von Shtupp!
586
00:53:16,215 --> 00:53:19,548
"Here I stand, the goddess of desire...
587
00:53:20,219 --> 00:53:24,155
"... set men on fire.
I have this power.
588
00:53:25,958 --> 00:53:29,416
"Morning, noon and night,
it's drink and dancing...
589
00:53:29,929 --> 00:53:34,593
"... some quick romancing,
and then a shower.
590
00:53:35,735 --> 00:53:39,227
"Stage door Johnnies
constantly surround me...
591
00:53:39,572 --> 00:53:43,064
"... they always hound
me with one request.
592
00:53:45,177 --> 00:53:48,271
"Who can satisfy their lustful habit?
593
00:53:49,181 --> 00:53:53,845
"I'm not a rabbit. I need some rest.
594
00:54:01,794 --> 00:54:03,386
"I'm tired...
595
00:54:04,864 --> 00:54:08,061
"... sick and tired of love...
596
00:54:09,769 --> 00:54:12,260
"I've had my fill of love...
597
00:54:14,140 --> 00:54:16,938
"... from below and above.
598
00:54:20,479 --> 00:54:25,143
"Tired, tired of being admired...
599
00:54:27,286 --> 00:54:30,278
"... tired of love uninspired.
600
00:54:32,258 --> 00:54:34,488
"Let's face it, I'm tired.
601
00:54:36,829 --> 00:54:41,493
"I've been with thousands
of men again and again.
602
00:54:42,668 --> 00:54:44,829
"They promise the moon.
603
00:54:45,738 --> 00:54:50,402
"They're always coming and
going and going and coming...
604
00:54:52,545 --> 00:54:54,536
"... and always too soon. "
605
00:54:55,481 --> 00:54:56,812
Right, girls?
606
00:54:57,249 --> 00:55:01,913
"I'm tired.
Tired of playing the game.
607
00:55:04,256 --> 00:55:07,555
"Ain't it a crying shame?
608
00:55:08,661 --> 00:55:11,653
"I'm so tired. "
609
00:55:12,365 --> 00:55:14,663
Goddamn it, I'm exhausted!
610
00:55:16,936 --> 00:55:19,336
Hello, cowboy, what's your name?
611
00:55:20,473 --> 00:55:23,374
"Tex ma'am"? Tell me, Tex ma'am...
612
00:55:23,709 --> 00:55:25,142
...are you in show business?
613
00:55:25,478 --> 00:55:26,137
Nope.
614
00:55:26,379 --> 00:55:29,348
Well, then, why don't you get your
friggin' feet off the stage?
615
00:55:43,229 --> 00:55:47,893
Hello, handsome. Is that a 10-gallon
hat, or are you just enjoying the show?
616
00:55:56,876 --> 00:55:59,811
Oh, Miss Lili, oh, my lovely lady!
617
00:56:11,724 --> 00:56:14,625
"Tired of playing the game.
618
00:56:16,128 --> 00:56:19,723
"Ain't it a crying shame...
619
00:56:20,399 --> 00:56:22,390
"... I'm so tired.
620
00:56:30,743 --> 00:56:31,732
"She's tired.
621
00:56:32,611 --> 00:56:35,102
"Sick and tired of love.
Give her a break.
622
00:56:35,448 --> 00:56:38,440
"She's had her fill of love.
She's not a snake!
623
00:56:38,751 --> 00:56:41,743
"From below and above.
Can't you see she's sick?
624
00:56:42,922 --> 00:56:43,911
"She's bushed.
625
00:56:44,256 --> 00:56:46,588
"Tired of being admired.
Let her alone.
626
00:56:46,926 --> 00:56:48,587
"Tired of love uninspired.
627
00:56:51,564 --> 00:56:53,088
"Don't you know she's pooped?
628
00:56:53,432 --> 00:56:58,096
"I've been with thousands
of men again and again.
629
00:56:59,371 --> 00:57:01,430
"They sing the same tune!
630
00:57:02,441 --> 00:57:05,774
"They start with Byron and Shelley...
631
00:57:06,111 --> 00:57:10,275
"... then jump on your belly,
and bust your balloon.
632
00:57:17,122 --> 00:57:19,784
"Tired of playing the game.
633
00:57:21,494 --> 00:57:24,156
"Ain't it a friggin' shame?
634
00:57:26,065 --> 00:57:27,396
"I'm so... "
635
00:57:28,200 --> 00:57:32,899
Let's face it. Everything
below the waist is kaput!
636
00:58:08,173 --> 00:58:09,299
What does it say?
637
00:58:10,142 --> 00:58:14,602
"I must see you alone in my dwessing
woom right after the show. "
638
00:58:29,762 --> 00:58:32,094
Wie gehts, meine schatzie?
639
00:58:33,065 --> 00:58:34,123
Faw out!
640
00:58:39,271 --> 00:58:42,604
A wed wose. How womantic!
641
00:58:44,043 --> 00:58:45,704
Have a seat, shewiff.
642
00:58:51,717 --> 00:58:53,275
Won't you excuse me for a moment...
643
00:58:53,452 --> 00:58:56,444
...while I slip into something
a little bit more comfortable?
644
00:58:59,792 --> 00:59:01,225
Bitte, baby.
645
00:59:08,734 --> 00:59:11,794
Why don't you loosen your bullets?
646
00:59:18,110 --> 00:59:20,670
Ahh, I feel wefweshed!
647
00:59:21,614 --> 00:59:23,605
Isn't it bwight in here?
648
00:59:30,022 --> 00:59:32,923
There! Isn't that better?
649
00:59:35,260 --> 00:59:37,353
Pardon me, I'll be back in a moment.
650
00:59:41,433 --> 00:59:42,297
How is it going?
651
00:59:42,635 --> 00:59:47,038
He's like wet sauerkraut in my hands.
By morning he will be my slave.
652
00:59:47,373 --> 00:59:48,135
Splendid.
653
00:59:48,674 --> 00:59:50,164
Oh, just let me have a little feel.
654
00:59:51,610 --> 00:59:53,840
Where were we? Where are you?
655
00:59:55,948 --> 00:59:58,109
Let me sit down next to you.
656
01:00:00,619 --> 01:00:01,950
Tell me, schatzie...
657
01:00:02,855 --> 01:00:07,292
...is it, ah, twu what they say
about the way you people are gifted?
658
01:00:09,828 --> 01:00:12,991
Oh, it's twu, it's twu!
659
01:00:19,204 --> 01:00:21,297
Vill you care for
another schnitzengruben?
660
01:00:21,640 --> 01:00:25,701
No, thank you. Fifteen is my
limit on schnitzengruben.
661
01:00:26,545 --> 01:00:29,139
Well, then, how about a little...?
662
01:00:32,651 --> 01:00:35,984
Baby, please, I am not from Havana.
663
01:00:36,922 --> 01:00:38,253
Excuse me, honey...
664
01:00:38,724 --> 01:00:42,490
...besides, I'm late for work.
I've got some heavy chores to do.
665
01:00:43,095 --> 01:00:45,757
Vill I, vill I see you later?
666
01:00:46,699 --> 01:00:51,033
That all depends on how much
Vitamin E I can get my hands on.
667
01:00:51,336 --> 01:00:52,564
Nein, nein, achtung!
668
01:00:53,338 --> 01:00:56,068
No, no, you mustn't go! I need you!
669
01:00:56,241 --> 01:00:59,233
I never met nobody like you!
I can't live without you!
670
01:01:02,081 --> 01:01:06,074
Please, you're making
a German spectacle of yourself.
671
01:01:08,587 --> 01:01:10,248
Auf wiedersehen, baby.
672
01:01:17,529 --> 01:01:19,588
Oh, what a nice guy.
673
01:01:27,773 --> 01:01:31,106
Oh, deary, dear.
Look what the cat dragged in.
674
01:01:44,389 --> 01:01:46,220
What's happening in the clean world?
675
01:01:47,092 --> 01:01:48,059
Bad news.
676
01:01:48,761 --> 01:01:53,130
I've got a writ here for Mongo's
release signed by Hedley Lamarr himself.
677
01:01:58,036 --> 01:02:01,233
Why would a dude like
Hedley Lamarr care about Mongo?
678
01:02:04,309 --> 01:02:05,139
It's legal.
679
01:02:08,013 --> 01:02:11,414
Oh, those schnitzengrubens
can wipe you out!
680
01:02:18,957 --> 01:02:20,288
Wake up time!
681
01:02:26,598 --> 01:02:29,260
Okay, Mongo. You're free to go.
682
01:02:30,969 --> 01:02:32,027
Mongo no go.
683
01:02:34,873 --> 01:02:38,365
Oh, come on, Mongo.
You're a free man.
684
01:02:40,179 --> 01:02:44,843
Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart.
Sheriff first man ever whip Mongo.
685
01:02:46,652 --> 01:02:50,554
Mongo impressed, have deep
feelings for Sheriff Bart.
686
01:02:52,724 --> 01:02:54,885
Oh, you better watch out, big fella.
687
01:02:55,460 --> 01:02:58,190
I think Mongo's taken
a little fancy to you.
688
01:03:02,668 --> 01:03:03,862
Mongo straight.
689
01:03:08,740 --> 01:03:11,009
Maybe you know why a high-roller...
690
01:03:11,109 --> 01:03:13,407
...like Hedley Lamarr is interested
in Rock Ridge.
691
01:03:14,246 --> 01:03:18,478
Don't know. Got to do
with where choo-choo go.
692
01:03:21,987 --> 01:03:26,048
Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care
about where the choo-choo goes?
693
01:03:27,025 --> 01:03:28,151
Don't know.
694
01:03:30,062 --> 01:03:34,260
Mongo only pawn in game of life.
695
01:03:38,070 --> 01:03:39,560
I think this might be a good time
to mosey out...
696
01:03:39,738 --> 01:03:42,070
...to where they're building
the railroad...
697
01:03:42,341 --> 01:03:44,002
...and maybe do a little snooping.
698
01:04:23,649 --> 01:04:25,708
Damn, damn, damn!
699
01:04:32,324 --> 01:04:35,487
Hey, how are you doing Bart?
Get down off that horse!
700
01:04:41,600 --> 01:04:44,569
Oh, you shifty nigger!
They said you were hung!
701
01:04:44,903 --> 01:04:45,961
And they were right!
702
01:04:46,305 --> 01:04:49,240
Look at that star, hoo-ee!
Civil service!
703
01:04:52,978 --> 01:04:54,468
Wait. Back off, scamp.
704
01:04:54,646 --> 01:04:57,638
You are addressing the duly appointed
sheriff of Rock Ridge.
705
01:04:58,583 --> 01:05:01,450
Rock Ridge? Hey, the railroad
is going through there!
706
01:05:17,469 --> 01:05:20,870
Back up off your brother!
Don't mess up your brother!
707
01:05:38,457 --> 01:05:40,288
Holy mother of pearl!
708
01:05:41,159 --> 01:05:44,185
It's that nigger that hit me
on the head with the shovel!
709
01:05:44,963 --> 01:05:48,364
Now what the hell do you think you're
doing with that tin star, boy?
710
01:05:48,700 --> 01:05:53,364
Watch that "boy" shit, redneck! You're
talking to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.
711
01:05:55,907 --> 01:05:57,499
Well, now if that don't beat all!
712
01:05:58,343 --> 01:06:00,612
Here we take the good time
and trouble...
713
01:06:00,712 --> 01:06:03,044
...to slaughter every last Indian
in the West, and for what?
714
01:06:04,816 --> 01:06:08,980
So they can appoint a sheriff
that's blacker than any Indian!
715
01:06:10,155 --> 01:06:11,554
I am depressed.
716
01:06:12,024 --> 01:06:15,425
Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir, but I
sure do hate to see you like this.
717
01:06:15,761 --> 01:06:18,363
What if me and the boys were to
shoot that nigger dead?
718
01:06:18,463 --> 01:06:20,499
Would that pep you up some?
719
01:06:20,599 --> 01:06:21,691
Well, it might help.
720
01:06:22,100 --> 01:06:24,762
All right, boys. On the count of three.
721
01:06:25,504 --> 01:06:27,836
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
722
01:06:28,740 --> 01:06:30,401
Don't pay no attention to that alky.
723
01:06:30,575 --> 01:06:32,907
He can't even hold a gun,
much less shoot it.
724
01:06:36,081 --> 01:06:37,844
Like I said. On the count of three.
725
01:06:40,252 --> 01:06:40,911
One...
726
01:06:43,221 --> 01:06:43,880
...two...
727
01:06:44,756 --> 01:06:45,415
...three!
728
01:06:57,202 --> 01:07:01,866
Well, just don't sit there looking
stupid, grasping your hands in pain.
729
01:07:02,707 --> 01:07:06,268
How about a little applause
for the Waco Kid?
730
01:07:17,389 --> 01:07:20,125
All right, I'm through being
Mr. Goodbar!
731
01:07:20,225 --> 01:07:23,023
The time has come to act
and act quickly!
732
01:07:23,161 --> 01:07:24,492
All my plans have backfired!
733
01:07:24,596 --> 01:07:26,928
Instead of the people leaving,
they're staying in droves!
734
01:07:27,265 --> 01:07:31,292
Vhy don't you admit it?
He's too much of man for you. I know.
735
01:07:31,670 --> 01:07:33,501
You going to need an army to beat him!
736
01:07:34,072 --> 01:07:35,562
You're finished.
737
01:07:35,907 --> 01:07:40,571
Fertig! Fahrblunged! Fahrcocked!
738
01:07:47,052 --> 01:07:49,714
Shut up! You Teutonic twat!
739
01:07:51,123 --> 01:07:52,818
I must think.
740
01:08:01,399 --> 01:08:05,699
Wait a minute. She said army.
Of course!
741
01:08:06,304 --> 01:08:10,968
An army of the worst dregs ever
to soil the face of the West!
742
01:08:14,646 --> 01:08:18,980
I've decided to launch an attack that
will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes!
743
01:08:19,651 --> 01:08:20,982
What do you want me to do, sir?
744
01:08:21,419 --> 01:08:24,752
I want you to round up every vicious
criminal and gunslinger in the West.
745
01:08:24,856 --> 01:08:25,845
Take this down.
746
01:08:27,058 --> 01:08:31,461
I want rustlers, cutthroats,
murderers, bounty hunters...
747
01:08:31,796 --> 01:08:36,062
...desperados, mugs, pugs, thugs,
nitwits, half-wits, dimwits...
748
01:08:36,368 --> 01:08:40,964
...vipers, snipers, con men,
Indian agents, Mexican bandits...
749
01:08:41,306 --> 01:08:44,571
...muggers, buggerers,
bushwackers, hornswagglers...
750
01:08:44,876 --> 01:08:48,744
...horse thieves, bull dykes, train
robbers, bank robbers, ass kickers...
751
01:08:48,880 --> 01:08:51,280
...shit kickers and Methodists!
752
01:08:53,852 --> 01:08:55,683
Could you repeat that, sir?
753
01:09:05,497 --> 01:09:06,828
Where's everybody going?
754
01:09:08,833 --> 01:09:09,595
Read this.
755
01:09:20,312 --> 01:09:23,873
Well, can't you see that's the
last act of a desperate man?
756
01:09:24,516 --> 01:09:29,180
We don't care if it's the First Act of
Henry the Fifth! We're leaving!
757
01:09:30,288 --> 01:09:33,849
Now, wait a minute!
Wait just one doggoned minute!
758
01:09:35,126 --> 01:09:39,790
Just give me 24 hours to come up
with a brilliant idea to save our town.
759
01:09:40,365 --> 01:09:43,232
Just 24 hours, that's all I ask.
760
01:09:43,735 --> 01:09:44,827
No!
761
01:09:45,904 --> 01:09:47,838
You'd do it for Randolph Scott.
762
01:09:53,545 --> 01:09:56,446
All right, sheriff. 24 hours.
763
01:10:57,008 --> 01:10:57,702
Next!
764
01:10:59,244 --> 01:11:00,211
Qualifications?
765
01:11:00,745 --> 01:11:03,009
Rape, murder, arson and rape.
766
01:11:03,715 --> 01:11:05,012
You said rape twice.
767
01:11:05,950 --> 01:11:06,939
I like rape.
768
01:11:09,721 --> 01:11:12,121
Charming. Sign right here.
769
01:11:13,591 --> 01:11:14,922
Take that badge.
770
01:11:19,030 --> 01:11:19,962
Qualifications?
771
01:11:20,665 --> 01:11:23,793
Arson, armed robbery, mayhem.
772
01:11:24,169 --> 01:11:27,661
Wait a moment. What have
you got in your mouth?
773
01:11:30,775 --> 01:11:32,970
Nothing, eh? Lyle.
774
01:11:36,247 --> 01:11:37,009
Gum!
775
01:11:37,749 --> 01:11:40,309
Chewing gum on line, eh?
776
01:11:40,752 --> 01:11:43,550
I hope you brought enough
for everybody.
777
01:11:45,457 --> 01:11:47,288
I didn't know there was
going to be so many.
778
01:11:52,831 --> 01:11:54,822
Boy, is he strict!
779
01:11:55,333 --> 01:11:58,063
We've got to get in there close
and find out what's happening.
780
01:11:59,938 --> 01:12:01,064
There's our ticket!
781
01:12:08,346 --> 01:12:09,438
Hey, boys!
782
01:12:11,082 --> 01:12:12,515
Look what I've got there!
783
01:12:14,686 --> 01:12:16,483
Hey, where are the white women at?
784
01:12:31,069 --> 01:12:32,832
Man, that was pretty! I liked that.
785
01:12:34,005 --> 01:12:37,805
Be ready to attack Rock Ridge at
noon tomorrow. Here's your badge.
786
01:12:41,613 --> 01:12:44,411
We don't need no stinkin' badges!
787
01:12:46,551 --> 01:12:47,210
Next!
788
01:12:47,886 --> 01:12:48,716
Qualifications?
789
01:12:49,487 --> 01:12:50,886
Stampeding cattle.
790
01:12:51,356 --> 01:12:52,846
That's not much of a crime.
791
01:12:53,191 --> 01:12:54,522
Through the Vatican!
792
01:12:55,026 --> 01:12:56,015
Kinky!
793
01:12:59,397 --> 01:13:01,666
Why, Rhett, how many times
have I told you...
794
01:13:01,766 --> 01:13:04,064
...to wash up after
weekly cross-burning?
795
01:13:04,702 --> 01:13:05,828
See, it's coming off.
796
01:13:08,506 --> 01:13:11,998
And now, for my next impression,
Jesse Owens!
797
01:13:13,778 --> 01:13:15,040
Catch them!
798
01:13:16,014 --> 01:13:20,417
Hold up, men,
we'll head them off at the pass!
799
01:13:21,719 --> 01:13:26,053
Head them off at the pass?
I hate that clich๏ฟฝ!
800
01:13:44,542 --> 01:13:45,600
Say, "hello. "
801
01:13:46,110 --> 01:13:46,872
Hello.
802
01:13:47,946 --> 01:13:49,846
Listen to me, and listen to me good.
803
01:13:49,981 --> 01:13:52,313
I want you to get
all the brothers together...
804
01:13:52,650 --> 01:13:56,609
...round up all the lumber, canvas, paint
and nails you can lay your hands on...
805
01:13:56,955 --> 01:14:01,619
...and meet me tonight 3 miles
due east of Rock Ridge at midnight.
806
01:14:02,427 --> 01:14:03,189
You understand?
807
01:14:03,895 --> 01:14:04,759
Say, "goodbye. "
808
01:14:06,564 --> 01:14:07,758
Thanks a lot, brother.
809
01:14:36,794 --> 01:14:39,864
All right, folks, I know you're a bit
confused wondering what you're doing...
810
01:14:39,964 --> 01:14:42,194
...out in the middle of the prairie
in the middle of the night.
811
01:14:42,333 --> 01:14:43,459
You bet your ass!
812
01:14:44,702 --> 01:14:45,669
I'm hip.
813
01:14:46,337 --> 01:14:47,929
Now, before the sun comes up...
814
01:14:48,239 --> 01:14:54,007
...we're going to build on this sight an
exact replica of the town of Rock Ridge.
815
01:14:57,015 --> 01:15:00,507
Every building, every storefront,
every rock and every tree...
816
01:15:00,852 --> 01:15:04,253
...right down to the orange roof
on Howard Johnson's outhouse.
817
01:15:05,857 --> 01:15:06,846
I get it!
818
01:15:07,191 --> 01:15:09,921
And tomorrow when Hedley Lamarr
and his men come riding in...
819
01:15:10,061 --> 01:15:11,255
...to destroy the real Rock Ridge...
820
01:15:11,396 --> 01:15:13,364
...they'll actually be destroying
the fake Rock Ridge!
821
01:15:13,464 --> 01:15:15,867
But they'll think
it's the real Rock Ridge!
822
01:15:15,967 --> 01:15:17,867
But we'll know it's the fake Rock Ridge!
823
01:15:18,202 --> 01:15:21,535
How're we going to do it? We don't
have the time nor the people.
824
01:15:21,873 --> 01:15:24,137
Wrong! There's why.
825
01:15:27,011 --> 01:15:28,911
Who the hell are they?
826
01:15:32,784 --> 01:15:37,483
Railroad workers. They've agreed
to help us make our dream come true.
827
01:15:37,989 --> 01:15:40,457
And all they ask in return
is a little plot of land...
828
01:15:40,592 --> 01:15:42,583
...they can call their own to homestead.
829
01:15:42,927 --> 01:15:44,053
What do you say?
830
01:15:51,502 --> 01:15:55,029
We'll give some land to the niggers
and the chinks...
831
01:15:55,673 --> 01:15:57,868
...but we don't want the Irish!
832
01:16:03,314 --> 01:16:04,406
No deal.
833
01:16:05,450 --> 01:16:09,011
Ah, prairie shit! Everybody!
834
01:16:13,825 --> 01:16:14,792
Oh, Lord...
835
01:16:16,027 --> 01:16:20,691
...do we have the strength to carry on
this mighty task in one night?
836
01:16:23,434 --> 01:16:25,766
Or are we just jerking off?
837
01:16:36,514 --> 01:16:41,178
Okay, okay, we have done it.
Now, let's see what we have done.
838
01:17:21,459 --> 01:17:26,123
Men, you are about to embark
on a great crusade...
839
01:17:27,131 --> 01:17:29,622
...to stamp out runaway
decency in the West.
840
01:17:30,334 --> 01:17:32,564
Now you will only
be risking your lives...
841
01:17:33,004 --> 01:17:37,566
...whilst I will be risking an almost
certain Academy Award nomination...
842
01:17:38,743 --> 01:17:40,176
...for Best Supporting Actor.
843
01:17:41,079 --> 01:17:43,070
Now raise your right
hand for the pledge.
844
01:17:45,516 --> 01:17:46,414
Right!
845
01:17:48,252 --> 01:17:51,016
And repeat after me. I...
846
01:17:52,623 --> 01:17:53,590
...your name...
847
01:17:53,958 --> 01:17:55,255
...your name...
848
01:17:55,593 --> 01:17:58,653
Schmucks!
... pledge allegiance...
849
01:17:58,996 --> 01:18:00,327
...pledge allegiance...
850
01:18:00,698 --> 01:18:02,256
...to Hedley Lamarr...
851
01:18:02,600 --> 01:18:04,158
...to Hedy Lamarr...
852
01:18:04,502 --> 01:18:05,491
That's Hedley!
853
01:18:05,837 --> 01:18:07,031
...that's Hedley...
854
01:18:07,472 --> 01:18:09,099
...and to the evil...
855
01:18:09,440 --> 01:18:10,930
...and to the evil...
856
01:18:11,275 --> 01:18:12,936
...for which he stands!
857
01:18:13,277 --> 01:18:14,676
...for which he stands!
858
01:18:15,046 --> 01:18:19,710
Now go do that voodoo
that you do so well!
859
01:18:32,830 --> 01:18:35,628
Hold the happiness. We are in trouble.
860
01:18:37,034 --> 01:18:39,502
Yep! We forgot one little detail.
861
01:18:39,737 --> 01:18:43,468
Nothing is missing. Everything is here,
down to the last hitching post.
862
01:18:44,041 --> 01:18:46,202
People. There are no people.
863
01:18:46,544 --> 01:18:48,978
Now don't panic. Don't panic.
864
01:18:49,747 --> 01:18:52,545
We just made a perfect copy
of Rock Ridge.
865
01:18:52,850 --> 01:18:56,308
Now all we've got to do is make
perfect copies of ourselves.
866
01:18:57,655 --> 01:18:59,816
But they'll be here in half an hour.
867
01:19:00,158 --> 01:19:02,319
Right, so we've got to
start working fast.
868
01:19:02,693 --> 01:19:06,424
You men start working on the dummies.
Jim and Mongo, come with me.
869
01:19:06,998 --> 01:19:10,661
I've got an idea that will
slow them down to a crawl.
870
01:19:11,002 --> 01:19:11,900
All right, let's go!
871
01:19:20,111 --> 01:19:22,102
Yeah, that's nice.
872
01:19:44,268 --> 01:19:48,932
Le Petomane Thruway! Now what
will that asshole think of next?
873
01:19:51,542 --> 01:19:53,533
Has anybody got a dime?
874
01:19:55,246 --> 01:19:58,409
Somebody's got to go back
and get a shit-load of dimes.
875
01:20:07,625 --> 01:20:11,561
Hurry up. Speed it up or we're
never going to get to Rock Ridge!
876
01:20:12,129 --> 01:20:14,893
Come on, move them through!
877
01:20:21,138 --> 01:20:23,072
Well, they're through the tollbooth.
878
01:20:25,576 --> 01:20:28,067
Look at this, they're buying it!
879
01:20:38,422 --> 01:20:41,858
All right, here we go.
Hold your ears, folks!
880
01:20:42,326 --> 01:20:43,918
It's show time!
881
01:20:48,666 --> 01:20:49,496
Nothing!
882
01:20:49,834 --> 01:20:51,096
What are we going to do?
883
01:20:51,535 --> 01:20:54,834
Any minute now they're going to discover
the town is fake and pull out!
884
01:20:57,341 --> 01:20:59,844
You think you could squeeze off
a little shot from here...
885
01:20:59,944 --> 01:21:01,935
...and set off the dynamite down there?
886
01:21:03,047 --> 01:21:04,378
I'll give it a try.
887
01:21:15,026 --> 01:21:18,359
Oh, Lord, keep this man's eye keen...
888
01:21:18,629 --> 01:21:20,620
...and may God grant...
889
01:21:32,810 --> 01:21:34,038
It's a fake!
890
01:21:34,378 --> 01:21:35,970
We've been suckered in!
891
01:21:53,164 --> 01:21:56,600
Okay, folks, let's wipe them out!
892
01:22:21,192 --> 01:22:22,625
Forgive me, Lord!
893
01:23:25,790 --> 01:23:27,758
"Throw out your hands,
stick out your tush.
894
01:23:27,858 --> 01:23:29,849
"Hands on your hips,
give them a push.
895
01:23:30,161 --> 01:23:33,494
"You'll be surprised, you're doing
the French Mistake. Voil๏ฟฝ!"
896
01:23:36,167 --> 01:23:37,498
All right, cut!
897
01:23:42,606 --> 01:23:43,595
Wrong!
898
01:23:46,811 --> 01:23:50,269
Just watch me. It's so simple!
899
01:23:50,614 --> 01:23:51,945
You sissy Marys!
900
01:23:52,616 --> 01:23:56,985
Give me the playback.
And watch me, faggots!
901
01:24:10,367 --> 01:24:11,299
Have you got it?
902
01:24:11,635 --> 01:24:12,863
Yessssssss.
903
01:24:13,838 --> 01:24:15,533
Sounds like steam escaping!
904
01:24:16,073 --> 01:24:19,236
Action! Okay, wait until I get out.
905
01:24:50,007 --> 01:24:53,943
Cut! What in the hell
do you think you're doing here?
906
01:24:54,278 --> 01:24:56,178
This is a closed set!
907
01:24:57,248 --> 01:24:59,910
Piss on you!
I'm working for Mel Brooks.
908
01:25:00,251 --> 01:25:02,185
Not in the face!
909
01:25:04,121 --> 01:25:05,053
Thank you.
910
01:25:05,589 --> 01:25:08,558
They've hit Buddy!
Come on, girls!
911
01:25:18,269 --> 01:25:19,930
You vulgar shit!
912
01:25:20,371 --> 01:25:23,033
Why, you miserable pansy!
913
01:25:27,745 --> 01:25:29,372
I'm parked over by the commissary.
914
01:25:34,251 --> 01:25:37,743
You brute, you brute,
you vicious brute!
915
01:25:39,490 --> 01:25:41,481
All right, all right...
916
01:25:56,440 --> 01:25:58,101
How many days do you have left, Joey?
917
01:25:58,475 --> 01:26:00,943
They lose me right
after the bunker scene.
918
01:26:03,514 --> 01:26:04,606
What the hell is that?
919
01:26:10,387 --> 01:26:13,288
Get your pies for the great pie fight!
920
01:26:17,528 --> 01:26:20,397
This is our Studio commissary
where some Hollywood stars...
921
01:26:20,497 --> 01:26:22,192
...come to eat. Keep in line.
922
01:26:29,707 --> 01:26:32,301
And now we'll go to the
Special Effects Department.
923
01:26:37,214 --> 01:26:40,411
Yankee bean soup, cole slaw
and tuna surprise.
924
01:27:20,858 --> 01:27:21,847
Taxi!
925
01:27:27,298 --> 01:27:28,856
Drive me off this picture!
926
01:27:58,295 --> 01:27:59,387
You dropped your beads.
927
01:27:59,730 --> 01:28:00,719
One, please.
928
01:28:02,566 --> 01:28:03,897
Uh, student.
929
01:28:04,401 --> 01:28:05,390
Are you kidding?
930
01:28:07,971 --> 01:28:09,131
Pain in the ass.
931
01:28:09,773 --> 01:28:12,105
Look, Herman,
I'm in Hedy Lamarr's shoes!
932
01:28:12,409 --> 01:28:13,239
Hedley!
933
01:28:42,339 --> 01:28:43,169
Freeze it!
934
01:28:44,174 --> 01:28:46,438
Okay, Lamarr, go for your gun.
935
01:28:46,777 --> 01:28:49,837
Wait, wait, I'm unarmed.
936
01:28:50,347 --> 01:28:53,282
All right, we'll settle it like men.
937
01:28:54,852 --> 01:28:55,819
With our fists.
938
01:28:57,187 --> 01:29:00,987
Sorry, I just remembered. I am armed.
939
01:29:08,565 --> 01:29:13,229
How did he do such fantastic stunts
with such little feet?
940
01:29:19,209 --> 01:29:20,870
You shot the bad guy!
941
01:29:23,414 --> 01:29:24,881
Well, what do you want to do now?
942
01:29:25,582 --> 01:29:27,914
Come on, let's check out
the end of the flick.
943
01:29:28,819 --> 01:29:31,583
I sure hope there's a happy ending.
I love a happy ending.
944
01:29:37,161 --> 01:29:40,221
Sheriff, you can't go now.
We need you.
945
01:29:40,931 --> 01:29:44,492
My work here is done.
I'm needed elsewhere now.
946
01:29:45,269 --> 01:29:48,238
I'm needed wherever
outlaws rule the West.
947
01:29:48,572 --> 01:29:52,565
Wherever innocent women and children
are afraid to walk the streets.
948
01:29:53,243 --> 01:29:56,007
Wherever a man cannot
live in simple dignity.
949
01:29:56,346 --> 01:30:00,077
Wherever people cry out for justice.
950
01:30:00,918 --> 01:30:02,249
Bullshit!
951
01:30:05,055 --> 01:30:06,386
All right, you caught me.
952
01:30:06,490 --> 01:30:09,721
To speak the plain truth, it's getting
pretty damn dull around here.
953
01:30:10,461 --> 01:30:13,692
Good luck, Bart, and God bless you.
954
01:30:18,936 --> 01:30:20,267
'Bye, baby brother.
955
01:30:22,406 --> 01:30:24,101
Keep the faith, brothers!
956
01:30:40,591 --> 01:30:42,081
Where are you headed, cowboy?
957
01:30:43,560 --> 01:30:44,720
Nowhere special.
958
01:30:47,731 --> 01:30:52,395
Nowhere special.
I always wanted to go there.
959
01:30:54,404 --> 01:30:55,166
Come on!
960
01:31:26,503 --> 01:31:30,269
"He conquered fear and
he conquered hate. "
961
01:31:30,607 --> 01:31:33,940
"He turned our night into day. "
73613
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