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[orchestral music]

d

(man)
hold on a second.

- Hey, there.
- Hey.

(man)
I feel like you're not
hearing me, 'cause if you were,

I wouldn't be repeating myself,
that's why.

No, because I told--look,
I told you three times, okay?

Look--
we'll get going in two.

No, the nagasaki merger
has to happen at 15.6.

That's black and white.

There's no doubt
about that, okay?

And then you blend
the assets

As I pointed out
in the prospectus, okay?

Trust me, we'll come out of this
smelling like a rose.

You don't trust me?

What am I, a fool?
You...

No, you're not gonna
look like an idiot.

If anyone looks like an idiot,
it's me.

Slap me.
I've been naughty.

[grunts]
wow, all right.

Now tell me
I'm not gonna get any dessert.

You're not getting
any dessert.

What? Oh!

And you're banned
from tv and internet for a week!

Yeah.
Ah, yeah.

Tell me I can't watch
game of thrones.

- What?
- Just tell me!

You're banned
from watching game of thrones,

You little shit!

Ah! All right, good,
good, good, good, good.

Yeah, tell me, uh...
Run down the whole lineup

Of hbo Sunday night shows.

You're banned
from watching girls.

- No!
- And veep!

- Ah!
- No more bored to death!

Oh!
They canceled bored to death.

Oh, um...
No more boardwalk empire.

Bullshit!
Ahh!

Ride that shit.
Ride that shit.

Ride that shit
like evel knievel.

Ride it.
Oh, god.

[groans]

Hey, victoria.
It's Sunday night.

You want to watch
some hbo?

Would you pay me more?

I wasn't planning on it.

No.

[jazz music]

d

d I'm not afraid of love

d no, I'm not afraid of love

d just because I run away

d when you say you need me

d I'm not afraid

d I don't want to waste
my time d

d waste my time

d I don't want to waste
my time d

d waste my time

d

d the pain we go through

d when a love's not true

d ah-ah-ah-ah

d I made up my mind
to stay away d

d away, away

d from the hurt you bring

d to me

d gonna save my love

d for the sure thing

d

d you don't really need
my love d

d need my love

d you don't really need

d my love

d need my love

d just because
when we're apart d

d you said I'm in your heart

d you don't really need me

d ah-ah-ah-ah

d made up my mind

d I've made up my mind
to stay away d

[cell phone vibrating]

Hey.

I know, man.

Look, I'm just
running a little behind.

I'll be there soon.

I was just saying how
corinne is a big movie fan.

Yeah, I make it a point

To see all the oscar-nominated
movies every year.

Well, that's--that's great.

Do you have any, uh,
any favorites or...

Let's see, um,
well, I'm gonna have

To break it down
genre by genre.

Family, uh, up is
a really good family film.

- So good.
- Beautiful movie.

(both)
I cried.

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god. I cried.

(corinne)
within, like, the first minute.

- You both cried.
- Did you?

If I had to pick
my favorite action,

It'd be saving private ryan.

- Classic.
- It's so visceral.

A lot of guys like action films,
but I do too.

Mitch, you love
saving private ryan.

- He does?
- Yeah.

Wow, a lot of things
in common.

Yeah, I think we've watched
it together, maybe.

I just think
it's really disappointing how

In so many movies
they use sex

In such a gratuitous fashion.

It's really,
really tasteless.

You know,
I couldn't agree more.

And the film industry
thinks we want to see tits

In every other scene
to be satisfied.

It's ridiculous.
Am I right? Thank you.

Okay, well, that's one point
we don't agree on.

- Love your--
- just the one.

Well, yeah.

You know, I'm gonna run
to the bathroom.

I'm gonna...I'll be right back.

[toilet flushes]

How are you doing tonight?

Good, good, thank you.

Yourself?

- Oh, I'm doing great.
- What the fuck, man?

Excuse me.

You're looking at corinne
like she's some kind of leper.

I'm not looking
to get set up, okay?

You insisted.
It's the only reason I'm here.

Yeah,
you're in the goddamn bathroom.

Hey, hey, hey,
what's wrong with the bathroom?

He didn't mean anything by it.
I'm sorry, he was just--

You got to get
your shit together, man.

You can't keep living like this.

How's he living?

Yeah, how am I living?

- You've got real issues.
- Like what?

Like having to get up
in the middle of dinner

And come in here
and rub one out.

I knew that.
Yup, that's what I thought.

Jp, I'm trying here, man.
I just--I don't want to be here.

You're on the app again,
aren't you?

You know what the fuck app
I'm talking about, the sex app.

- Sir, sir, please keep--
- god damn it!

You are so fucking intrusive
for a bathroom attendant.

Well, I mean, yeah,
it just kind of connects you

With other people looking
to get it in, in your vicinity.

Heard about this, heard--yeah,
my cousin told me about this.

- Oh, man, I got to get on that.
- What the fuck?

- You'd clean up. You should.
- Think so?

In fact, I actually just made
a connection, so I'm gonna go.

- There we go.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Do not bail out on me.
You cannot do this to me.

Look, it's--
tell her I'm not feeling well.

If you want to go with ibs,
I'm fine with that, all right?

- Mitch, mitch, mitch, mitch.
- I'm sorry, man.

Shit, w-which app is it?
Is it this one? Which--

- What was the name of the app?
- I don't know, man.

- Whatever you need, please.
- Just give me one of each.

This is sort of a weird thing
to say.

But I feel like
I can imagine

What our baby
would look like.

Oh, wow.
That's amazing.

- They would be really cute.
- Really good-looking.

- Yeah.
- And smart.

Where's mitch?

Um, are you familiar
with ibs?

[indistinct chatter from
computer]

[cell phone beeps]

[soft music]

d

[cell phone beeps]

d

[cell phone beeps]

d

Sure, you can buy me
a drink.

Good to know.

Is that how you treat
a lady who shows interest?

You asked for a free drink.
You didn't show interest.

Were you expecting a blow job
right out of the gate?

Offering something
would indicate more interest

Than asking for something, so...

You don't want to get
to know each other first?

Before I buy you a drink
or before the blow job?

Fine, I'll start.

My name is victoria,

And I moved here
two years ago

After I graduated
from stanford.

I'm currently reading
a book on gandhi.

I continue to sleep
on my stomach,

No matter how many times
my chiropractor

Tells me not to.

You shouldn't do that.

And I call bullshit
on anyone

Suddenly becoming allergic to
gluten in the last five years.

Liars.

You must be msjuicy34.

What?

From the, uh,
sex app, climax.

So you're not here
to have sex with me?

Uh, I don't know
what you're talking about,

But, um...
It's 1,000 for the hour,

3,000 for the night.

You're a hooker.
I didn't peg you.

I'm an escort.

Yeah, you escort men's penises
inside you for money.

Fuck you.

Look, you're barking
up the wrong tree, all right?

I couldn't afford you anyway.

Well, then maybe dress
in your tax bracket

And don't come
to swanky hotels.

For your information,
this is all h&m,

And I'm here
to meet a girl.

Yeah, from a sex app,
pervert.

Pervert?
You're the hooker.

Escort.

Is your name even victoria?

What do you think?

For what it's worth,

Everything else I told you
was true.

Yeah, even the stanford thing?

Everything.

All right.

How are you?

Fine.

I need the obituary
for dr. Filler

And elaine ackerton.

Yeah, got that right here.

Um, filler, ackerton.

There you go.

I can always count
on you, mitch.

And hey, can you stop
by my office in about ten?

I want to run
something by you.

Yeah, sure. Is it
about getting new computers?

Because I think
that would really...

Boost morale.

There is no easy way
to say this,

But you know
how you're currently

An employee of the company?

Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah, I do.

You're not going to be
when you leave this office.

Um, but you just said
everything was all right.

Interesting. No.

I just needed you
to come to my office,

And I didn't want you to think
I was firing you.

But I'm the best journalist
you have on the team.

You even said
to me last week,

"mitch, you're the best
journalist we have on the team,"

So I'm just a little confused
as to--

If it makes you feel
any better,

This decision had nothing to do
with merit.

Uh, then--then--then what?

If I let patty go,
here comes the ageism lawsuit.

If I fire darnell...

Well, you can connect the dots.

And I was very clear
about not fucking the interns.

d

[cell phone beeps]

d

You know, that guy
is a slimy fucking bastard.

He's lucky
I don't rip his head off.

(man on phone)
told him not to act like a big
swinging dick with you around,

Or you'd shove it
right back up his ass.

(jp)
yeah, right.

Hey, don, you've met
my cousin mitch, right?

- The sex addict dude?
- Yup.

Just taking a little survey.

- Well, have fun with that.
- Thanks, bud.

I'll talk to you soon.

That how you like being known?

The only reason
that's my rep

Is 'cause you
tell people that.

How do you think
small talk works?

When there's an awkward silence,

What else do you expect me
to say?

Like, anything else.

Seriously, anything else.

You know, I used to think
any guy would be

A sex addict if he could,
and now that I know one,

It's--it's real,
and it is scary.

[sighs] look,
are we getting lunch or what?

I'm just saying, mitch,
you're 27 years old.

You're unemployed,
no money, no girlfriend.

You don't talk
to anyone anymore.

I'm talking to you
right now, aren't I?

There are 20 billion people
in the world.

I don't think that's true.

Mitch, I'm your only friend.

Do you know how much pressure
that puts me under?

[sighs] look, man, I don't get
on your ass for going

To all those dubstep concerts
you're way too old for.

I'm right in the middle
of the demographic!

Okay, what you did to me
and allie

The other night
really made us look bad,

And the mitch I used to know

Would never have bailed
like that.

Clearly, you've got
something going on.

If you're not
working right now,

Maybe it's time
to get some help.

- Are you hungry?
- Yeah, that's why I'm here.

- You said, "let's get lunch."
- why do you keep putting?

Because you kept
putting on your tie.

d

I'm sure I don't have
to tell you how tough it is

In the newspaper business
right now.

Our only hope is if something
should happen to the internet,

Something like, say,
a solar flare event

That knocks out
all the electricity,

Then we'd be in business.

We can only hope.

So is there,
like, a job opening?

Nothing.

Our numbers are tight as is.

Unless you could work for free,

I don't really see
how we would make it work.

You won't work for free,
will you?

No.

Um, this is mission magazine.

We don't cover obituaries
and local interest.

Right, well, sure,
I covered obituaries,

But I also wrote features
for other sections as well.

They're--they're on there.

"finding the right
gastroenterologist for you"?

Believe it or not,
a reader wrote in

Actually saying how that article
saved her life, so, I mean,

I kind of feel good
about that one.

You know what,
thank you for coming in,

But I just don't think I see
anything here that indicates

Your sensibilities
would resonate with our readers.

But thanks.

Well, thanks.
Thanks for your time.

You know what?

Just give me a shot.

I'll write something on spec,

Something your audience
would actually read.

What do you have to lose?

I have an open position,

But I've got two writers
writing something for it,

So I can throw you into the mix,
but you are going to need

To write something
that I can actually print.

I can't publish "what using
the semicolon says about you."

Yeah, no--no more semicolons.

We're gonna--we're gonna write
something interesting here.

Uh, should I leave this here?

No, I think I've seen enough.

Why you make me
track you down like a criminal?

Junior, hey, you know,

I was just about
to stop by your apartment.

You stop nowhere.

Rent is due by the end
of this week,

And you still haven't paid me
in full for last month.

And I was just about to--

Look, I'm not gonna play this
game with you no more, cabrón.

You pay the rent by Friday,
or I'll evict you,

And I'll take whatever stuff
you have in there

That looks...

Nice to me.

That's expensive stuff.

If you can afford milk
of coconuts

Like some prince,

You can afford
to pay the rent.

Should I assume I'm not gonna
see that back, or...

It's yours, yup.

[indistinct chatter from
computer]

d

[jazz music]

d

Hey, man, do you happen
to know a regular here

By the name of victoria?

She comes around a lot.

You a cop?

Do I look like a cop?

'cause if you're a cop,
you got to tell me.

I mean, I don't--
I don't think that's true,

But, no, I'm not a cop.

Prove it.

I mean,
I just said I'm not a cop.

I don't know what more I can do.

You know, certain women,

They have their clients
take out their junk

Just to prove
that they're not a cop.

So why don't you
show me a ball?

That should do it.

I'm not gonna take
my balls out

In the middle of the bar,
man.

I said one ball.

Look, this is getting weird.

I just--can you just tell me
if victoria--

- Forget it, pig.
- Yeah, fuck this.

You're not gonna
pay for this?

[sighs]

Victoria?

Or whatever your real name is.

Oh, god, are you, like,
one of those guys

That's seen pretty woman
too many times?

I've never seen pretty woman.

I don't believe you.

Of course
I've seen pretty woman.

Who hasn't seen
pretty woman?

It's gere and roberts
at their finest.

It's a great movie.

Wait, I just have to ask
you something.

Look, I'm not
trying to save you

Or sleep with you,
for that matter.

Oh.

All I want to do
is write a story,

An interesting one,
and I think you have that.

Well, that's great,
so my family

Can find out
I'm an escort

On some idiot's tumblr.

No, no, no, look,
it's not for a blog.

It's for, like,
a legit magazine.

Well, let me see a card.

Well, I don't technically
work for them yet.

- This is my application piece.
- You're full of shit.

Usual--vodka, rocks,
two limes.

You know this guy's a cop?

- Oh, my god.
- You're a cop?

- I'm not a cop.
- Yeah, he was in here earlier.

He wouldn't show his nuts.

- That's a tell.
- What?

How is that a tell?

- 'cause you didn't do it.
- You know...

Just--just get the lady
her drink, please.

Look, I know you have to have
your guard up doing what you do,

But I'm a decent guy,
I swear.

I just lost my job
working at this newspaper,

And I'm trying to land
this gig at this magazine.

All I want to do is tell
an interesting story,

And I think you have one.

[chuckles]
yeah?

What story would that be?

You know, you're
a stanford-educated, uh...

- Escort. Yeah.
- Sure.

We--we can take
that angle if you want.

All right, buddy, look.

I'm not interested
in being your hooker

With a heart of gold
or being some pity piece

About how the system
failed me

Or whatever bullshit angle
you're taking.

Look, I'm not out
to make you look bad.

Just let me follow you
around for,

Like, a week or two.

You won't even
notice I'm there.

No.
Final answer, sorry.

Wait, just--here, just...

You asked for a card
the other day.

Take that in case
you change your mind.

Think about it.

You fucked that one up, huh?

d

[exhales]

I'm so into you, baby.

I'm getting wet just thinking
about what you're gonna do.

- Fuck, come here.
- [grunts]

Ah.
Oh, jeez.

Hey, hey,
I said no kissing.

- I'm not gonna say it again.
- Come on, baby.

I can be your boyfriend.

Oh, come on.

Stop it.
It's over, asshole.

Don't be such a goddamn bitch.

No, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop.

I'm getting what I paid for.

Shh, shh, shh.
[groans]

I'll kill you,
you fucking whore!

d

Dad. Hey.

Um, I need a bit of a favor.

Babe, I swear to god,
I can't fucking do this anymore.

Why, what happened?

Oh, I'm fine, I'm just,
like, a little bit rattled.

Fucking scumbag.

What, he try to stick it
in that beautiful ass again?

No, he's just a...

Just drunk, coked-out bullshit.

Still think my ass is beautiful?

[chuckles]

It's a dangerous world
out there.

You ever think about getting
back with sebastian?

Hell, no.
I--I don't want a pimp.

It makes it feel way too real.

Plus, that fucker
took half my money,

And I did all the work.

Well, what happened tonight
would not happen

If you had someone there
with you.

That's all I'm saying.

Yeah.

Maybe.

d

Hey, you find
a parking spot okay?

I actually walked here.
I don't have a car.

You don't have
a car in la?

Yeah, or any other city.
I don't have a car.

Speaking of, nice one.

- I like it.
- Thanks.

Is that, like,
an environmental issue or...

No, my life's just pretty
contained to this area,

So I don't need a car.

- So what made you come around?
- Does it matter?

You seemed really desperate
and pathetic.

Just be glad
I'm letting you do this.

Oh. A charity case.
I'll take it.

So are you
from around here or...

Shouldn't you have something
to write this down with?

No, I just prefer
to listen.

Oh, god, are you, like,
one of those waiters

Who doesn't write
anything down

And then fucks
the order all up?

Uh, no, I'm like
one of those waiters

Who doesn't write anything down
and gets it all right.

By the way, no names,
places, pictures,

Nothing that can tie me
to this article,

Or I will rip
your balls off.

I don't even know
your real name.

- Where are we going, anyway?
- I have an 11:00.

In the morning?

[doorbell chimes]

[whispering indistinctly]

Hey, ruth,
I'm so sorry I'm late.

Oh, no problem, natalie.
Jared's waiting in the kitchen.

- Okay.
- Did you hear that, natalie?

Jared's waiting
in the kitchen, natalie.

- And who's this?
- Oh, hi, I'm mitch.

A friend from out of town.

He has nothing to do today
because he has no friends.

[whispers]
also, he's a little slow.

Do you mind if he hangs out here
for the hour?

Oh, bless his heart.
Of course, come in.

Thanks.
Hey, this is weird.

- Who's jared?
- Her ten-year-old son.

She's paying you to have sex
with her ten-year-old son?

This is--you know what?
I can't do this.

Shut up.
Pretend you don't exist.

I thought I could do it.
I can't.

And shut the door.

For the record,
I'm not comfortable with this.

d

Great, so what do all
these equations have in common?

[mumbling]

So why do you tutor
when you're pulling in

Over 1,000 bucks a night?

Escorts have family members
that ask questions too.

Believe it or not,
I actually enjoy teaching.

You know, my tutor
was a 300-pound guy

Whose breath
smelled like salami.

Lovely.

How'd you get into this
in the first place?

- Don't do that.
- Do what?

Don't ask questions.

I--how am I supposed
to do my job then?

Just don't make it feel like
an interview, you know?

Let's just be friends.

You do have friends, right?

Yeah, and I ask them questions
when I want to know things.

God, I can already tell
you're gonna be

So fucking annoying.

d onion, two carrots,
two cups of adzuki beans d

d my baby, she knows
how to keep that figure lean d

That was cute, babe.

Well, there's more
where that came from.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- That was for you.
- Oh, yeah?

[knock at door]

Hey, guys,
please stop having sex.

We have company.

- Hi, babe.
- Hey, babe.

Mmm, hey!

Dominick, dana,
this is mitch.

- Mitch, my friends.
- Hey.

Hey, how you guys doing?

- Good.
- Hey, man.

What'd you think of my song?

Oh, it was, uh...Inspiring.

Rock on.

Dominick's gonna be
the next bob dylan

Or john mayer.

- Bruno mars or something.
- Certainly a wide range.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, thanks, man.

Appreciate that.

Means a lot.

You guys should totally
stay for lunch.

Yeah.

- Shit, we just ate.
- Yeah, really full.

Which is unfortunate,
'cause this all

Looks delicious, but...

So the nice car,
the downtown loft.

Is this all you,
or did your parents

Have money
when you were growing up?

They help you out?
What's--what's going on here?

Single mom,
high school teacher.

- What about your dad?
- Never met him.

I'm still having trouble kind of
wrapping my head around you.

I mean, you went
to a great school

And got a great education.

You're not awful-looking.

I just don't understand.

[cell phone beeps]

Look, come on,
you gotta give me something.

After graduation,
I had to get a job

That paid enough
to put a dent

In my student loans.

This checked off
all the boxes.

Okay, well,
there are plenty of normal jobs

That pay well, right?

Yeah, not like this.

Once I hit a certain number,
I'll call it quits.

I've got some ideas
of what I want to do,

But for now, this is it.

Number--what kind of number
are we talking about?

Last year, I made
213,000 tax-free.

I figure at that rate,
another 2 1/2 years

And I'll have the flexibility
to do what I want.

Holy shit.

Got to get ready.
Don't be so shocked.

[mellow pop music]

So tell me about yourself.
Who is mitchell cooper?

Can't we just be,
like, friends

And, like, hang out
and chill and not ask questions?

Hey, asshole.
I don't sound like that.

What do you want to know?

I don't know, anything,
whatever.

Just people
with normal lives fascinate me.

Normal, is that what
you think of me?

Mm, I don't know.

Uh, let's see.

Well, I--I worked
at the los angeles review.

I mostly wrote
for the obituary section.

That's kind of cool in, like,
a gothic loner kind of way.

I don't know,
I just kind of...

Kind of enjoyed finding
the best possible combination

Of words to tell
someone's story, you know?

I like it
when I read the obituary

And I look at the picture

Of the person
smiling and looking all happy,

And you forget
about the pancreatic cancer

Or whatever shit happened.

It's nice.
Zip me up?

Um...

Yeah, sure.

Sure.

d I know

d know there's a way

Yeah, well,
zipped up.

If you're gonna be seen
with me,

I can't have you
wearing that.

What's wrong
with what I'm wearing?

You look like mr. Rogers.

[jazz music]

[sighs]

What the fuck am I wearing?

What?

I look like a band member
from jesse and the rippers

From full house, that's what.

I think you look hip
and handsome,

Like you belong.

- In a robin thicke video.
- A little bit.

Well, if you're gonna be
seen with me,

This is what you're wearing.

You just get a couple
different color t-shirts.

You rotate them around.

It'll be like
a whole new outfit.

- The chain looks great on you.
- I--

It does.

You're gonna wait at the bar
until I land a client.

Don't leave.

When I do get somebody,
I'm gonna go to room 1516.

Just wait in the hall
until I'm done.

- Remember, you're a ghost.
- Got it.

But if I do summon you,
you may engage me.

Engage you?
What are you, the nsa?

Do I look like I'm laughing?

On the outside, no,
but maybe on the inside?

- No.
- Okay.

All right.

Can I have a drink or...

Would you pay
to have sex with me?

I thought we've already
been through this.

I can't afford you.

I know, but, like,
am I fucking hot enough?

Oh, even the pros
need a pep talk

Once in a while, huh?

I mean, yeah, you're hot.

[sighs]

I understand
it's a part of aging,

But I still think of myself
as a young guy.

- Oh?
- I think it's manly.

All right, here.

I'll let you feel something
that's manly, huh?

[laughs]

That's funny,
but if you try that shit again,

I'm gonna have my guy over there

Snap off that puny excuse
for a dick.

Oh, hey, I was just...

I was just messing around.

Come on, there's no need
to get worked up here.

Come on,
we're just having drinks.

[natalie moaning]

Fuck yes! Oh!
Oh, my god.

(mitch)
bullshit.

What, you don't think
it's possible

For me to enjoy the sex?

Not to that degree
and certainly not

With a guy like that.

I got to have something
for them to come back for.

I mean, it's all
about generating regulars.

What, you think
those artificial orgasm noises

Is what brings them back?

Dude, I get rave reviews.

I'll be sure to check out
your yelp page when I get home.

You should.
Five stars.

[cell phone beeps]

(natalie)
who's texting so much?

Girlfriend?

No, just people.

All right, meet me here
tomorrow, 10:00 a.M.

All right.
Hey.

Seriously,
thanks for doing this.

Ride's on me.

It's nice of them to give me
a complimentary tea.

So do you have a pimp, or do you
do all your own bookings?

All generated
by yours truly.

Ah, an entrepreneur.
Why go pimp-less?

They take too much
of the pie

For what they're worth.

But isn't it, like,
dangerous for you

To be out there all alone?

I'm not gonna answer
another question

Until you man up
and get a pedicure.

No, I'm not--I'm not gonna
get a pedicure.

I've never had
a pedicure before.

I'm not gonna
get a pedicure.

Hey, do manicures
come with this?

No, that's extra.
Would you like one?

Well, I just figure
since we're here.

- Hmm.
- Right?

Right.

One-stop shopping
sort of thing.

- No polish, though.
- No, of course not.

No polish.

Yeah--yeah, it varies

Anywhere from two to eight guys
a week.

Most of them are regulars.

Wait, let's just back up
a little bit.

How do you even get into this
in the first place?

Dana had just
started working,

And she was making
all this money

While I was barely
covering the rent from tutoring,

And, um, one night,
she took me to a club

And introduced me
to her pimp.

Oh, so you did have a pimp
at one point?

- Yes!
- Fucker.

- Yeah, for a minute.
- Fuck.

[sighs]

Yeah.
For a minute.

He gave me the $900 price tag

And called over
one of his clients,

And before I knew it,

His client came over
and pulls out a wad of cash

And, um, puts it
right in front of me.

You tell yourself that
you would never do something

Like that for money,

But when it's staring at you
right in the face...

Come on,
let's play another game.

Let's go.

Yeah, another game
where I kick your ass.

All right, this is unfair.
I don't have this version.

I've got two years ago.

[jazz music]

Well, aren't you guys
in a celebratory mood?

Celebrating benny's promotion,
huh?

You little prick, right?

Now, I bet he has sucked
more dick than you

To get where you are,

Right there, benny?

Right?

God, relax, sweet tits, okay?

We're just having some fun,
all right?

Let's have another shot.

Hey, you want to move
this party upstairs?

Whoa, whoa, group--
group table here.

Come on, warren, man, quit
giving her such a hard time.

Shut the fuck up,
benny, all right?

Drink your drink, all right?
She can take it.

She can take pretty much
anything I can give her, right?

Huh? Oh!

Ohh, you fucking slut.

You know how many cocks
you would have to sit on

To pay for a shirt like this?

All right,
that's fucking enough.

Mitch.

Uh...Something going on
over here?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Mind your own
fucking business, pal, okay?

No, he's not gonna
mind his own business

Because he's my bodyguard,

And if you don't
shut the fuck up,

He's gonna beat the crap
out of you.

Oh. Wow.

Tough guy, huh?

You heard her.

If you don't shut the fuck up,

I'm gonna beat the crap
out of you.

Why don't you get the fuck
out of here?

Fuck this.

Wait, wait.

Wait, mitch, mitch, mitch.
Wait, wait, wait.

What are you, using me as, like,
some sort of pimp or something?

Okay, we're using each other.

You get what you want,
and I get what I want.

I can't beat up five guys.
I'm not bruce lee.

They're all talk. They're not
gonna actually do anything.

Probably.

Think how great
your article will be.

Just don't get me killed,
okay?

Thanks.

[cell phone beeps]

Who keeps texting you?

People text.
Friends text.

I'm sure you text.

Yeah, but that's,
like, the text frequency

Of a very desperate woman.

Hey, we're done here, right?

Yeah, I guess.

All right.
I'll see you later.

Just like that?

Since when does a pimp have
to explain anything to his ho?

d

[moaning]

Don't stop.
Don't stop, don't stop!

Like I said,
I'm not planning on it.

[woman moans]

Fuck.

I only caught the end,

But I think you were doing
a little too much...

- You followed me.
- Yeah, I followed you.

All that text messaging,

You were giving me, like,
a creepy drug pin vibe.

I needed to know what it was,
and now I know.

Oh, a prostitute was worried

About being linked
to a seedy underworld.

Yeah, if you're gonna be
in charge of my safety,

I need to know that you're not
gonna just sketch off

And leave me with
a potentially dangerous client.

I thought you said
this wasn't gonna be dangerous.

It's not gonna
be dangerous for you.

I'm a sitting duck out there.

Look, you're my ticket
to that job, okay?

I'm not just gonna leave you.

- I just wanted to be clear.
- We're clear.

Perfect.

How'd you meet her?

Who?

The girl you had bent
over the bathroom sink.

I'm sure she has a name.

I'm sure she does,

But I don't know it.

Okay, look, that app
connected us, all right?

What do I care
if she's on her shift break?

Is this a rare occurrence?

No.

This is fascinating.

Do you get tested?

Often.

What's been your worst scare?

Hep b.

Hep c.

- Seriously?
- Seriously.

- But you're all, like--
- yeah, everything's fine, you?

Oh, I'm--I'm fine.
But that two-week wait?

Holy shit, right?

I couldn't eat.

I couldn't sleep.

The worst part
is going to that clinic

And sitting all alone.

It's awful.

And the place smells
like a funeral home.

Yea--the hung poster
of the ethnically diverse

Std-free people
just kind of smiling there?

Yeah, what the fuck
is that about?

Hey, I don't know
what you're doing on Sunday,

But I'm heading to my dad's
house for dinner, and if--

You want me to meet
your family?

Not my fam--I mean,
it's just my dad

And my sister,
but yeah.

It'd be fun.

What's this really about?

What do you mean?

I thought
it was poor form

To bring your work
home with you.

Well, you're a presentable
piece of work.

Okay, look, my family
thinks that I'm kind of,

Like, a big fuck-up,
and, well,

You're smart and pretty
and personable.

And if I were to bring
someone like you home,

They'd, you know, think
I'm getting my shit together.

You think I'm pretty?

Look, just...

Deal or no?

I suppose
I'll wear something tasteful

And girlfriend-y,

But I'm not holding your hand,

And you can't call me
babe or boo

Or anything
that starts with a b.

Oh, my god, monkey,
you're gonna be great.

Don't even.

(jp)
with all the time
you're spending on this article,

It better be good, man.

It's good, I think.
I don't know.

Wow, you sound
super confident.

How far into it are you?

It's still in the, uh,
researching stage.

You gonna tell me
what it's about or what?

Nope.

Why?

You're just gonna
be annoying about it.

Am I ever annoying?

All right, fine, it's, um,

Just some profile
on some girl.

It's nothing.

And she's topical?
Why?

Well, uh,
she went to stanford.

Second-tier school, but...

And, um, you know,

Men pay her for--for sex.

You're doing a profile
on a prostitute?

Well, if you want
to get technical about it,

I guess, but...

Well, I mean, they do say
write what you know.

What are you fucking doing?

[upbeat music]

d

(natalie)
all right, this one?

[mitch mutters]

You didn't tell me
you were bruce fucking wayne.

Is this new money, old money?
What's going on here?

My dad was a songwriter
in the '70s.

Probably a bunch
of classics that

You've never heard of and none
that I care to remember.

Okay.

You look like
betty white's granddaughter.

Did you win
your chess tournament?

- I did, actually.
- I look great.

Shit, how do I
address the butler?

- I've never done this.
- I don't have a butler.

Em, hey.

I was beginning to think
you forgot about me.

- You? Come on.
- Hey, I'm natalie.

Holy shit.
You're pretty.

Well, you're adorable
yourself, little lady.

This is my sister--

But you're, like,
so fucking pretty.

You're, uh,
you're so fucking pretty.

I like her.

I see dad's not getting on you
about the cursing.

(emily)
if he's gonna
make me play jv football,

He's gonna have to deal
with the cursing I'm exposed to.

Why is he making you
play football?

Because mitch quit
when he was in high school,

And he doesn't want me
ending up like him.

Why, what's wrong with mitch?

Dad says he's poor
and will continue to be poor

If he keeps working
in a dying industry.

Wait here.

Home.
I love it.

(emily)
[knocking on door]
mitch is here.

He's on to some workout video
these days.

Mitchell.

[laughs]

Dad, hey.
Good to...

- Ha, yeah.
- See you.

Yeah, you too.

You're wearing your contact
lenses again, aren't you?

Yeah.

You look a lot less anal
without your glasses.

Thank you, I think.

And this must be?

I'm natalie.

Gorgeous, just gorgeous.

- I'm charles.
- You have a beautiful home.

Eh, it's all right.

It's been a while
since mitchell

Brought a girlfriend
around here.

How long you two been dating?

- Uh, four--
- six--

Four to six months.

We--we average it
out to five.

The beginning
is always weird.

Does it start
with the first text message,

The first kiss?

First kiss.
Totes.

Totes. Monkey,
why don't you write that down?

First kiss.

Stanford?
That's impressive.

I knew a girl
from stanford once.

Twice, actually.

Natalie's running
her own tutoring business.

Can you tutor me
in biology?

My teacher's got it out
for me.

- She's a grade-a cunt.
- Language.

Jv football.

I wish I could,
but I only teach math.

Ha, mitchell was never
any good at math.

Emily here's a whiz.

Look at that, ten minutes
before putting me down.

That's a new record.

Not everybody is good
at the same things, mitchell.

Dad doesn't think mitch
applies himself and says

He looks to blame
other people for his problems.

I think
mitch is gonna be just fine.

I've actually been
reading the article

That he's writing
for that magazine,

And it's really good.

He's a great writer.

Well, that's great news,
mitchell.

What's it about?

The article, uh, it's, um--

Well, you know when, um...

How--how would I
describe this?

It's about me
and my business.

The learning habits
of children

And what motivates them
and such.

Wow, can't wait
to read that one.

No offense.

Yeah, no disrespect
to your profession, natalie,

But it seems like if this is
a one-shot audition thing,

Why not just do something
a little more,

I don't know, risqué?

Oh, I have a feeling
if the article gets published,

The risqué will pop out.

[knock at door]

Yeah?

- Hey.
- Hey.

She's pretty great, huh?

Yeah, you might want
to hang on to that one.

Yeah.

Hey, do you mind if I...

Uh...Sure.

(charles)
what can I do for you?

So you remember last week?

Do you remember last week
when I was short on rent?

Well, since I'm not gonna
find out about this article

For a few more weeks, I'm gonna
be short next week too.

Mitchell, you know that
I don't mind helping you out,

Even though my therapist
is begging me

To stop enabling you.

Well, it's just
until I get this job,

And by the way,
it's looking good,

So I'm sure your therapist
would be fine with that.

It's not just dr. Polanski.

No?

- It's krystal as well.
- Who's krystal?

- She's my astrologist.
- I'm sorry, your what?

My astrologist.

She says when mercury
is in retrograde,

Like it is right now,

I can't do anything financial.

In fact, she's instructed me
to freeze all my accounts

For the month.

Dad, th--

This is the last time,
I swear.

Mitchell, I'm sorry.
I wish I could help you out.

Retrograde is retrograde.

Right, uh, retrograde.

Yeah.

Okay, dad.

Oh, have you gone
to any of those meetings

That dr. Polanski
suggested for the sex thing?

- No, I didn't.
- You really might want to go.

He can help you.

- 3 1/2.
- Can you do that?

Okay, no big.

Hey, just text us when
you get picked up, all right?

I'll get a ride home
from one of the girls.

- Have fun.
- Thanks.

Hey, thanks for being
so cool at dinner tonight.

I know my dad
can be a little much.

[chuckles]
no, they're cool.

I had fun.

Although, if you do
get this job,

Don't tell your dad
that I'm your prostitute muse.

It'll break his heart.

I really think
he likes you.

I know.

So, uh...You probably
want to go home now.

What, are you kicking me out?

No, no,
I'm just saying here's your out,

If you want it.

Yeah, what I want to do is
I want to drink wine

On the porch of that giant
fucking scarface mansion.

That's what I want to do.

Then let's do that.

Why do you go to a bar
to pick up guys?

Why don't you have, like,
an online profile?

I'm not a fan
of the internet.

That's trending
downwards anyway,

So I wouldn't worry
about it.

No, really,
why are you an escort?

And I don't want
to hear any bullshit

About how bad
the economy is.

You could do
anything you want.

- I can't get a job.
- Bullshit.

I don't believe that.

Okay, look,
this is off the record.

- Okay.
- No, I'm serious.

You cannot put this
in the article.

Okay.

When I was a senior
in college,

I made a list of the guys

That I had sex with
in school,

And I put it into
this powerpoint presentation

With pictures and things
like dick size estimates,

And, I mean,
it was awesome.

And I forwarded it
to a bunch

Of my girlfriends
as a stupid joke.

Was there, like,
a lot of guys on this list?

What's a lot?

I don't know, like,
20s, 30...9--

There was a lot.

I was in college.

I enjoy sex,
and I don't think

That that is anything
to be ashamed of.

But one of my asshole friends

Decides to forward it
to one of her guy friends,

Who forwards it
to one of his guy friends,

And before you know it,

It's hit all the major blogs,
the huffington post.

Piers morgan
was gracious enough

To use me
as an example on cnn

In supporting his claim
that our selfie generation

Is the demise
of civilization

As we know it.

I remember reading
about this.

- That was me.
- That's you?

That's me.

Try getting a job
when every google search

Of your name has the word
"whore" next to it.

I figure, if I'm gonna
be called a whore,

I might as well
get paid like one.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Everybody's got something,
I guess.

No, but that's, like,
a big something.

Thanks, dick.

[cell phone vibrates]

- What's up?
- Oh, shit.

Uh, we got to go
pick up emily.

[crying]

- What the--
- what happened?

The girls wouldn't stop
calling me ice box,

And now I feel sick too.

I just want to go home.

They called you what?

Ice box, the girl
who plays football

In the little giants.

Little giants,
that's pretty funny.

No, it's not funny at all.

Why are they so mean to me?

- What did I do wrong?
- You know what?

I'm gonna say something.
Nobody bullies my little sister.

- No, I got this.
- No, you don't have to.

(natalie)
no, I got this.

[menacing music]

d

She looks like
one tough motherfucker.

Language.
But yeah.

d

You're not what I expected.

- Oh, shit.
- What?

That's the wrong house.

Listen, you little bitch,

I knew girls like you
in high school,

And you know
what happened to them?

[cell phone ringing]

Come on.

You better get
your shit together

And stop picking on other girls.

[cell phone continues ringing]

You don't make yourself taller

By standing on the toes
of others, got it?

Dad?

Yeah, go ahead.
Call your daddy.

I'd like to have a word
with him too.

[cell phone rings]

What?

Hey, you're at the wrong house.
Get back to the car.

Wrong house,
get back to the car.

Let's go.

d

You couldn't get
in the driver's seat?

(mitch)
my license expired
five years ago.

- Hurry, hurry, hurry.
- I'm going.

Got a ponytail and everything.
Let's go.

(natalie)
why do I have
to be the getaway driver?

[tv in the background]

Don't let those girls
get to you.

I wish it were that easy.

They're threatened by you.

You're on the football team,
getting to spend

All that intimate time
with all the cute guys

That they have crushes on.

And they're not confident,

So they try and make you
feel as sad as they do.

You really think that?

Yup, and if you let them
get to you,

Then they've won.

[tv in the background]

Do you want to go
to my bedroom?

My bedroom's upstairs,
if you want to go to sleep.

Your bedroom's upstairs?
Is that what you said?

Yeah, you can sleep up there.
I'll sleep here on the couch.

Look, we have to sleep
in the same bedroom

If your dad's gonna think
we're dating.

I'm being a gentleman.

[sighs]
don't be weird.

- I am not being weird.
- You're totally being weird.

- I'm not being weird.
- Okay, shh.

You need help there, shrek?

That was really sweet,
what you did for emily tonight.

Even if it meant
making a harmless girl cry.

There are no harmless
high school girls.

You really took charge.

Sometimes you got
to read a situation

And take the bull
by the horns.

When was the last time
you kissed a guy off the job?

I don't kiss guys on the job.

When was your last kiss?

I don't know,
it's been a while.

Any new techniques
I should know about?

d so you're there

d from the mirror's other side

d so you can feel truth see

d through you

d come inside

d whoa oh oh

- See you later?
- Yeah.

d your wounds will heal

d whoa oh oh

d and all is revealed

Hey, mitch.

d but what would we know
of the sentient life? d

I want you to have this.

What is it?

I overheard your conversation
with your dad.

- No, I-I can't take this.
- No, no, take it.

You'll pay me back
after you get your new job.

d from the mirror's other side

Just take it.

d so you can feel

[cell phone beeps]

Uh, what--
hey, so what are you doing now?

Uh, run home and then I have
an appointment at the clinic,

You know,
the one over on grand avenue?

Yeah, yeah, I like that one.

Comfortable waiting room chairs
over there.

Yeah, they're a little worn
for my liking,

But it's not as bad
as the one on wilshire.

No, those are bad.

[cell phone beeps]

- Um...
- Go already.

Hey, uh...

Thank you.

d it only wants,
it only wants us all d

d come inside

d whoa oh oh

d so we can feel

d whoa oh oh

d that all is revealed

d whoa oh oh

d come inside

d whoa oh oh

d so we can feel

d whoa oh oh

d your heart out of steel

d but what would we know
of the sentient life? d

d we only know,
we only know a lie d

d it only wants,
it only wants us all d

Can I read that
when you're done?

What are you doing here?

You said how much
you hated these places, so...

I didn't want you
to be alone.

What is--
this looks depressing.

[laughs]

How long you been here?

Hours.

Hitting the clinic, huh?

Quite a thoughtful gesture
for a work associate.

I'm a--I'm a good friend,
you know?

I'm helping you build
this desk, aren't I?

Yeah.
Your dad know about this escort?

He's met her, yeah,

But he--he doesn't, like,
know what she does.

And you're not gonna tell him.

Nothing to tell
if nothing's going on, right?

Look, man, I can just talk
to her about things

That I can't talk about
with just anyone.

What's that mean, you can't
talk to me about stuff?

She doesn't judge me, man.

Mitch, I don't judge.

I observe,

And I think it's great
that you got a new buddy,

But why not bond with someone

Who's into world of warcraft
or sudoku or water parks?

Anything other
than sex with dudes for money.

That's dangerous.

What are you--
why are you standing?

You call me over here
to help you build a desk,

And I'm doing all the work.

I help you sometimes.

When?

Like last week,
I gave you a fully loaded ipod.

That was a first generation

With a bunch of celtic music
on it.

I don't even know
what I'm gonna do with that.

Listen to it.
Go for a fucking jog.

- I ca--
- it's very rousing music.

- Where are you going?
- You know what?

Like, every time
we hang out,

All you do is just
point out my problems.

Well, here's your problem, man.
You're an asshole.

I don't feel the need to
tell you that every single day.

No--mitch.

I can't do
these kinds of things!

d

[door opens]

- Hey, you ready?
- Yeah.

[elevator bell dings]

d

What is this?

Uh, why don't you
have a seat, mitch?

We just want to talk to you.

Uh, about what?

Mitch, take seat.

Or you can stand, if you're
more comfortable like that.

This is--
this is for you, so...

Why is junior here?
Why--why is my landlord here?

They needed me
for unlock apartment.

I ask what for.
They tell me.

I am here to support.

What did they tell you?

That you have a problem

That's been taking over
your life for years.

Even though you think
you don't hurt people, you do.

[scoffs]

So, jp,
you've staged an intervention?

There--there's four people here.

Typically there--
there's more than four.

Well, that's--that's part
of the problem.

These are the only people
that cared enough to show up.

You couldn't even get
allie here?

No, Thursday tennis lessons

That she missed last week,
which turned into this thing--

Jp told me about the sex app
thing or whatever.

This is just
getting out of hand, son.

Mitch, you have to stop
the drinking.

It hurts the people you love
who love you back so much.

I'm, uh, not an alcoholic.

Drugs.
That's even worse.

- My son is addicted to sex.
- What?

I think we got it
from here, bud.

Thank you.

Son, I think it's time
that you get serious

About getting some real help.

I'm sorry, you say
he's addicted to sex

As if it's a bad thing?

We all care
about you, mitch.

We all just want
to see you get better.

Em, what have I ever
done to you?

Whenever I have plans
to visit you,

You cancel last minute.

You've been home, like, four
weekends in the past two years.

You always say
you're there for me,

But you're never actually there.

Mitchell, it doesn't matter
how you ended up here.

The important thing
is where you go from here.

How I ended up here?

You want to use
this weak-ass intervention

To figure out
how I ended up here?

- Krystal says--
- fuck krystal.

Hell, I'm surprised
you're even here.

Shouldn't you be out
walking the great wall

Or hanging out with some
energy healing voodoo master?

But you know what I do remember?

I remember
my high school graduation,

You not being there 'cause
you had fucking burning man.

- No, mitch--
- this is bullshit, jp.

- Mitch?
- Come on, man.

We didn't even--this was just
the intro part.

This sex app--
how you search?

Sex? Sex app?
Just--

No, you just--
you have a ton of apps.

I know.

[jazz music]

d

All right,
I'm gonna head out there.

I'm here if you need me.

All right.
What is the deal?

What?
Nothing.

Nothing?

You were acting weird
on the way over here,

And now you're not even
looking at me.

I'm fine.

Does this have anything
to do with the other night?

I don't give a shit
about that.

[natalie speaking indistinctly]

Hey, I--I said
not on the lips.

I said not on the lips.

Hey. I can't.

- Just--
- hey.

Jesus, the waiters here
get creepier every day.

Mitch, I can
handle this, okay?

Wait, you know this guy?

Hey, buddy, I think
you better leave.

Look, I've got a better idea.

Maybe you
and your faggot necklace

Could get the fuck out
of my face,

And later on I'll take a picture
of me fucking your friend,

So you have something
to jerk off to.

Hey. Mitch, stop it!

Stop it!
Mitch!

Hey, hey!

Get the fuck out of here!

[r&b music]

[sighs]

d

d all that's gone

d and there's nothing left

[volume increases]
d nothing left for me

d but bitterness

d frustration

d false relation

You know, you should really
lock your door

If you don't want
people barging in.

Since when do you give a shit
about protecting me?

That's what you wanted, right?
You wanted protection.

You wanted someone
to care about you,

So that's exactly
what I gave you.

Oh, don't give me that.

You're using me just like
everybody else does,

But it's
for your magazine article

And to con your dad
into giving you money.

And you're perfect?

You became a hooker
because you bragged

About fucking a bunch
of guys in college.

You know, you could say
that victoria's

Just a character
that you play,

But you like this job.

You revel in it.

You're comfortable in it
because you're in control.

You dictate the terms.

You don't have to worry
about being rejected

By a bunch of guys
who just want

To come all over you.

And you're just a sad person

Who revels
in his own self-loathing.

I'll end the debate
for you right now, mitch.

You're not a sex addict.

You're just
an emotionally crippled child

With low self-esteem
who uses sex

To numb his feelings.

Your problem isn't sex.
Your problem is reality.

Sex is just
your pathetic fucking band-aid.

[alternative music]

d

d you exhaust me
you know d

d bellowing black
exhaust pipe smoke d

d and the smut won't wash

d from this
unsuitable immigrant skin d

d such a villainous grace

d I don't know
what you've done to your face d

d some nights
I can't figure out d

d quite where your heart is

d oh, los angeles, be kind

d no more trouble
or red lights d

d I can learn to love you
in due time d

d oh, los angeles, be kind

You asked me
for an opportunity.

I didn't have to give you
a chance, and I did,

And now you're telling me
you have this great story

And you can't write it?

I guess
that's accurate, yeah.

Huh. Okay.

That's it?
You're not mad?

Mad?
Fuck do I care?

I've got two writers
out there

Who'd club a baby seal
for the job.

Well, look,
I could write something else.

I'd just need
a little bit more time.

I make my decision
at the end of the week.

Oh.

All right, well, uh,
thanks for the opportunity.

[sighs]

Hey, it's none of my business,

But when you came in here,
you were hungry.

You were inspired.

I mean,
you really wanted this job.

It's, what, just not important
to you anymore?

No, it still is.

If you are a journalist,
you write.

If you can do anything else,
you do anything else.

If you're stuck,
go back to the heart.

Go back to what inspired you
in the first place, you know,

- What really got you--
[phone rings]

Oh, I've got to take this.

David.
Hi, any news?

Damn.

Okay. Um, yeah.

[jazz music]

d

[elevator bell dings]

Oh!
God, ow!

Jesus christ,
what the fuck are you doing?

- We need to talk.
- Hey! Open up!

Then fucking call me!

I do call.
You don't pick up my calls.

You need to leave.
I'm working.

Not until you hear me out.

(man)
hey, come on,
I'm gonna call the police.

Then hurry.

All right, look, I--I know

That you don't want
to accept it,

And I didn't want
to admit it,

But I...I like you in a way

That I didn't think
I was capable.

I know how much money's
in my wallet.

Just shut the fuck up.

Look, we both know
that you never

Needed anyone
to protect you.

You've never needed that.

You were just lonely.

Say something.

Open the door.
I'm working.

d

You're lucky I'm not gonna
call the police on you.

Go home to your wife,
asshole.

d

(mitch)
victoria isn't just a character
she plays.

Victoria's a character
we all play.

And tonight,
some schlepp of a guy

Will sit along the bar
with his head

Buried in his phone
ordering vodka after vodka.

And if the powers that be decide
that tonight is his night,

An escort named victoria
will lean up against the bar,

Tell him he can buy her a drink,

And blink
those beautiful blue eyes,

And if the guy's smart,
he'll never let her slip away.

Natalie?

Your academic record
is spotless, 4.0 gpa.

But?

But what?

But you don't want
your institution tarnished

By the powerpoint sex girl
from piers morgan live.

Thank you so much
for your time.

But your essay's the reason

We're accepting you
into our mba program.

What?

Your honesty about what happened
to you was refreshing.

Three of the five members
of our selection committee

Have children who were
bullied on the internet.

My daughter was one of them.

What does it say about us
if we let cyberbullying

Prevent a perfectly good
mba candidate

From realizing her potential?

[sighs]

d

[clears throat]

[indistinct chatter]

Thanks, man.

I look like a fucking waiter.

You look good.

Besides, that's what they make
you wear to these recitals.

I hate clarinet.
Dad won't let me quit.

Yeah.
Hey, is he upstairs?

Fuck if I know.

[tv in the background]

- Dad?

[tv in the background]

Dad?

[tv in the background]

- Dad?
- Oh.

Oh.
Hi, son.

Good exercising...

Yeah, uh,
the whole exercise thing, yeah.

Um, one of emily's friend's
asshole father told emily

That when you get over 50,
you got to work out every day,

So she thinks
if I don't exercise, I die.

- It's crazy.
- Sounds crazy.

So look, I got some more money
for you if you still need it.

What happened to krystal
and mercury in retrograde?

- She left me.
- You were dating.

- My astrologer.
- Of course.

Son, she was 35
and a pilates instructor.

Do you have any idea what
pilates does to a woman's ass?

So how's natalie?

Or should I say...

Victoria?

I think it's a great article.
I'm proud of you.

Where'd I put the thing?

Here.

Thank you.

You know, I used to steal
your weed when I was a kid.

Really?
That was you?

I always thought
that was rosalita.

- No, it was me.
- Well, that's all right.

It was your mom's weed.

- Get the fuck out of here.
- Oh, yeah.

I was on the straight
and narrow till she came along.

So what about natalie?

Ah, I fucked that up.

Well, you need
to un-fuck that up.

Look, if what you wrote
in this article is the truth,

Then you can't
ignore your feelings.

That regret is gonna
grow inside of you

And twist you
into a dark and thorny place.

I know, I've been there.
It's not good.

Smoke some weed.

So I've been thinking.

I know you said I don't have
to play football next season,

But I kind of want to.

- Yeah, why is that?
- I don't know.

I guess I don't mind the hitting
and all the yelling and stuff.

What?

- What?
- It's a boy.

- It's definitely a boy.
- It's not a boy.

(charles)
that's the only thing
that makes sense.

- It's not a boy.
- What's his name?

[scoffs]

His name is jonathan,
and he plays wide receiver,

And he has the cutest ass
on the team.

- Language.
- Sorry, butt.

[doorbell rings]

Do I even know this kid?

Do you remember the guy
who scored all the touchdowns

At my games last year?

Wait, jonathan?
Touchdown jonathan?

[doorbell rings]

- Yeah.
- He's pretty good.

- I'll go get it.
- And I think he likes me.

Ah, dear god.

Hey.

Hi.

I read your article,
and, well,

I think you misquoted me.

Nobody even knows it's you,
just like you asked.

But there are some lines in here
I would have never said.

Like what?

"you see
enough unfaithful husbands,

"and you start to get sickened
by the whole notion of love.

"how can you trust men
when you see them

"call their wives
in front of you and say

"they love them
after they just paid for sex?

"I don't think
you can be in my industry

"and still believe in love.

It's like being a scientist
and believing in god."

Yeah, you definitely
said all of that.

I'd really like you to publish
a retraction of that statement

And revise it to say, "you see
enough unfaithful husbands,

"and you start
to question the notion of love,

"and then when you finally
experience it for yourself,

"you see
what all the fuss is about,

"and you can't imagine not
having that person in your life,

"and you feel like the luckiest
person in the world,

"and you would do anything
to make them

Feel the same way
about you."

I quit.

I'm officially a grad student
in September.

Get an mba and make this
tutoring thing a real business.

I'll have to pay taxes.

Well, that's--that's good.

That's--that's really good
for you.

I'm happy for you.

Yeah.

Okay.

Wait.

[upbeat music]

d

I want that with jonathan.

Yeah, over my dead body.

d sit here right next to me

d and don't say a word

d that's all I want from you

d no, nothing more

d sit here right next to me

d and don't say a word

d that's all I want from you

d all I want from you

d hold my hand

d 'cause talking is the source
of misunderstanding d

d hold my hand

d 'cause talking is the source
of misunderstanding d

d hold my hand

d hold my hand,
hold my hand d

d hold my hand

d lay here right next to me

d and just let it pass

d I will come back to you

d no, this low won't last

d lay here right next to me

d and we'll just let it pass

d I will come back to you

d I'll come back to you

d hold my hand

d 'cause talking is the source
of misunderstanding d

d hold my hand

d 'cause talking is the source
of misunderstanding d

d hold my hand

d hold my hand,
hold my hand d

d hold my hand

d words won't comfort me

d words won't make
you understand d

d words won't change a thing

d all I need is for you

d to hold my hand

d 'cause talking is the source
of misunderstanding d

d hold my hand

d 'cause talking is the source
of misunderstanding d

d hold my hand

d hold my hand,
hold my hand d

d hold my hand

d

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