All language subtitles for Stacey.Dooley.Inside.the.Undertakers.2023.1080p.WEBRip.x264-CBFM

The idea is I'm sort
of immersed into this world,

this funeral directors,
right, in Nottingham. Hmm.

But I suppose what's interesting
is my relationship

at this moment with death.

What are you scared of?

This ending.

But you won't know about it.

Oh, that's even worse.

Like, you won't be conscious
of the fact that it's ended.

I just want to live forever,
which I appreciate is not...

..is not on the cards!

Like many of us, I find the subject
of death completely terrifying.

It's the idea of no longer existing
and it all just feels so final.

Like, that's it, what?
Done, finished.

I do think culturally as well,
I think, like, the British,

we're so awkward about anything
surrounding death.

And I am completely
sat in that camp.

So I've decided to
face my fears head on

by joining the team at
a century-old undertakers.

I'll spend time with
the funeral directors,

and they must have to look at it
from a certain perspective

to be able to be confronted
with death so closely.

I'll be going behind the scenes...

Oh, my gosh!

..to see the usually hidden
processes of the funeral trade.

I've said goodbye to people
in the chapel of rest

and I've then seen the coffin
at the funeral but that kind of

grey area in between,
I don't know a huge amount about.

You did a bouquet of flowers
representing a cup of tea? Yeah.

Brilliant!

I'll meet families planning funerals
for their loved ones...

I'm going to miss him terribly.

..and learn why for many,
death isn't to be feared...

It'll be fine!

..and explore the role
faith plays

in today's increasingly
secular society.

When you're religious, you're able
to lean on that crutch

and think, well, they've gone
to a better place,

but I don't know that
and I don't feel that.

Will seeing what happens
to us all when we die

help me come to terms
with my own mortality?

Yeah, let's see, let's see how the
next couple of weeks play out.

This programme contains some scenes
which some viewers
may find upsetting.

I'm travelling
to central Nottingham,

to the headquarters of AW Lymn,
a funeral directors

which has been at the heart of the
community for five generations.

The family-run business
has 27 branches

and undertakes 3,500 funerals
every year.

While I'm here, I'll be learning
about every step of the process,

from death to burial or cremation,

to see if normalising death
can help me understand

this inevitable part of life.

Here to greet me
is head of the family

and company chairman,
Nigel Lymn Rose.

Nigel. Hi, Stacey.
Hello, mate, how are you?

Very good. Nice to see you.
Nice to meet you. Likewise.

Really, really nice to meet you.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that you
have some worries about death.

News has travelled.

Do you know what it is? I just,

I've got an irrational fear
of the inevitable.

So I'm hoping I'll come out
the other side of this

and there'll be total peace.

Well, I do hope so because death is
not something to be frightened of.

It's something that comes to us all.
Yeah.

I have to accept
it's slightly out of my hands.

What we do here is try to arrange
a funeral as a celebration of life,

going with what the community wants,
what the individual family wants,

and of course, what the
person wanted in their life.

So we just try to provide
and be as flexible as we can.

OK, well, let's see where I am
in a couple of weeks' time.

I might be a completely
different woman.

I'm hoping so!

During my time at AW Lymn, I'll be
based here at the headquarters...

..which looks after every aspect
of each funeral.

That...that's the mortuary.

That's the coffin workshop.

They make the headstones here.

The florist
is round the other side.

You are confronted with death,
like, everywhere you look.

So it is, it is unsettling

and it is unnerving.

But it is fascinating.

I'll be working closely with
some of AW Lymn's 140 employees...

Round the side isn't it?

..starting with
funeral arranger, Megan,

who's worked here for six years.

So in terms of the actual funeral,
Pat, are your thoughts

for burial or cremation?

Today we're helping
80-year-old Pat...

Our budget range...

..who is one of a growing
number of people planning

and paying for their own funeral,

despite being given no indication
the end is near.

Wicker, bamboo, cardboard.

Yeah, I love that idea.
Yeah, yeah.

I think what a waste
when people have it all fancy,

with brass handles and all,
costing a fortune.

Why? It gets burned or buried.

Things as well to consider is
what you're going to be

dressed in as well,

if you've got any particular
outfit that you want.

Oh, my God. A bit of denim.

A bit of denim.

What colour lippy?
Cos we can make a note of that.

Yeah, we need to do that.
What's your signature shade?

What shade, Pat?

A nice bold one.

Rouge, red?
Yes.

Sort of corally red.

You're going to look great.

I mean, you look great now,
but you're going to look great

when you die as well.

I mean, now I'm 80, I think it's
important to sort it out and get it

prepared and the more you prepare,
making sure everything's sorted,

facing your fears, you're dealing
with it and get on with living.

Sometimes it's easier said
than done, that, isn't it,

because death can feel
so terrifying.

Are you worried about it then?

Well, I'm not thrilled
at the prospect.

You don't think about it
when you're in your 30s.

Weirdly, I do.

What's up here is far worse
than...than the actual reality.

No, I agree with that.

And I think the way I'm getting
immortality is the fact that

I have a lovely son
and grandchildren.

And that's part of me in them.

And that gives me a lot of comfort.

Thank you.
Where are we, Meg, this way?

Yeah, if you want to just follow me
this way.

With the average funeral
costing over £4,000, many see

prepaying as a way to ease financial
pressure for those left behind.

Look at this!
This is quite exciting isn't it?

I didn't realise
there was quite so much choice.

Yeah, there's absolutely
something for everybody.

Look at this.

Yeah, that is beautiful.

Oh, I could...
Oh, I could have a lie down now!

No, it's so lovely and comfy.

We could get in, top and tail, Pat.

Right, Pat, stay there.

How much do you think this is?

Wow! Gold plated. Oh, it's plated.

Three grand?

Three grand?

Oh, no, it'd be more.
21 grand.

50 grand.

45 grand.

42,499.

Oh! I find it unbelievable.

I think we need to make our way back
down to the front of the showroom.

You all end up the same.

You all end up in a box,
it's just which box do you want?

So, if you are looking for
natural burial, then you do have

to stick to natural materials.

So these are the ones
that we have in currently.

You like the wicker.

So many choices.

I still like the wicker,
or a bit of cardboard.

Oh, my gosh, sorry.

It's quite sturdy, despite that.

Because I'm gonna get buried,
if it's raining, how does that,

if it's cardboard?

Have I put you on the spot there?

It'll be fine!

Big umbrellas!
Yeah. Yeah.

My introduction to the business
of death has so far been positive,

although I am yet to see the more
challenging aspects of the job.

And that's about to change.

The plan today is, I think I'm with
Paul and Caroline, we've got

to go and pick up some bodies
from the hospital

and then we're to bring them
back here.

Needless to say, I'm not massively
looking forward to this

but it's obviously something
they do all the time.

Pallbearer and driver Paul
is part of the team that collects

up to 30 bodies each week...

Hi, Paul. Hello.
How are you? Good thanks.

Hop in.

..either from people's homes
or from the hospital mortuary,

a place usually kept
out of public view.

So, Paul, do you do this every day?

Yes, I do it full time.

I've done it for ten years.

Ten years?

I mean, that would suggest that
you enjoy your job?

I do, I do enjoy the job.

It's nice to help families.

Initially obviously, it's a shock,
when I first saw a person,

a body, it was moving.

But obviously, as time goes on,
the more you see,

you get used to it
and you deal with in different ways.

What do you mean the body
was moving?

No, no when I first saw the first
body, when I first saw a dead...

Oh, you were moved?

Do you know how many bodies
we need to collect?

I think we're getting five bodies
and a baby today.

OK.

OK. Right, that's us,
isn't it, yeah?

OK.

Hi, morning.

Morning, how are you? I'm Stacey.

I'm Kate.
Nice to meet you, Kate.

Morning. You all right?

You all right? Yes, thank you, you?

Yeah, that's everything.

OK, are we going upstairs,
downstairs?

Yeah, you are up here. OK.

Paul checks the identities
of the deceased

to ensure the correct bodies
are taken away.

Is this mother and son? Yeah.

Were some of these bodies related?

Yes, so the patients that Paul
and Caroline are collecting now,

so they are actually
mother and son, I believe.

So unfortunately, I believe
she passed away in the hospital

and he passed away in the community,

unfortunately I think only
a week apart, I believe.

So, be nice to get them reunited

and back home, as such, together.

Alongside the bodies of the mother
and her adult son

we are also collecting
the body of a baby.

Is that the surname? Yeah. Yeah.

SHE EXHALES

Are you all right, Stacey?
Yeah.

It's so hard
when the bags are so tiny.

It is, yeah.

It's unfortunately one of the things
that you never sort of really

get used to as well.

But we do give them all the little
care that they deserve as well.

It's obviously not the most
comfortable environment,

because it's not something,

we're not often exposed to death.

And you know,
there's a little Moses basket

and they sort of gently placed
the bag in the basket and I just...

You just can't help but think about,

you know, the parents of that baby.

Caitlin, thanks again.
Thank you very much. Thanks.

See you later. Bye-bye.
All the best.

OK.

God, that's so, so, so difficult.

It is.

It's not nice.

I'm just going to put he fans on
because you can probably smell,

there's a bit of a smell

and hopefully it'll keep
the smell pushed back.

Obviously the smell is from
one of the decomposing bodies

that we have on board.

And that body is decomposing
because he hadn't...

He hadn't been found for a while?

That's correct, that's correct.

Is there anything that you saw there
that you wasn't expecting to see?

Or is it as you'd imagined?

When you're confronted,
when it's so close, you know...

Absolutely. ..and the smell is
a smell that you'll never forget.

It is, and most people
won't come across the smell,

hopefully not, will they,
so it stands out, doesn't it?

Yeah.

Oh, what a job, Paul.

Back at AW Lymn's headquarters,
the bodies we've just collected

are stored in the mortuary, ahead of
being prepared for their funerals.

The arrangements for all
the funerals are carried out

by a team of funeral directors...

Nottingham General Office,
Kevin speaking, how may I help?

..like Kevin...

All right, thank you. Bye.

Hi! Hello!

Am I all right to come in?

..who's been in the business
of death all his working life.

What are you doing at the minute?

I've just sent a lady
some photographs regarding

a coffin that she's selected.
Oh, OK.

And I'm now tidying up
arrangements for people

who we brought into care today and
we're finalising the arrangements

just prior to the
funeral on Wednesday. OK.

I was with Paul this morning
and we went to the hospital...

OK. ..to fetch those bodies
to take into your care.

Right, OK.

So there was a mother and son.

Yes, yes.

The mother passed away of natural
causes, as expected, comparatively

elderly lady, good life well lived,
passed away in hospital.

The son was younger.

I think his death was not expected.

But that will be a double funeral
cremation next week.

There's no minister, it's a very
short service, just a family friend.

And I've offered to create
five minutes of something else

that we can say,

because it feels sad
in some circumstances

that you have two people who have
come to the end of their life

and there's nobody there
to mourn or acknowledge.

That's... That feels sad.
Instinctively, that feels sad.

You'll have gone through your life,

you'll have met so many different
people along the way.

Make you really depressed today.

No, do you know, I mean, it's
interesting... So much death.

The point is, working in the
funeral profession is that

you are made acutely aware
that there is this very fine thread

that our lives hang from
can break at a moment's notice.

And... Sorry!

No, but what I mean is...
I hear you.

You don't know.
Yeah, no, I hear you.

You can walk out today,
you get hit by a bus.

There are people who tragically
have been in home, sleeping,

and an aeroplane has
fallen on the house.

You can't waste your life
worrying over what if, what if?

Thank you, Kevin, for being so kind.

Privilege and a pleasure.

A few days in and it's still
hard for me to understand

how normal death feels
for the people I'm working with.

And there's one place that really
brings this finality home -

the onsite mortuary.

There can be up to 80 bodies
stored here

for an average of 15 to 20 days.

I don't find this easy.

I don't find this, like,
an easy space to spend time in.

I just see how I feel really
trippy that this is so enclosed.

I am so claustrophobic.

This is where morticians
like 22-year-old Olivia

work for up to eight hours a day
with the deceased.

Girls, am I all right
to follow you through?

Yeah. Is that OK?

Much of Olivia's job
is to wash, dress

and, in some cases,
preserve the bodies

using a process called embalming,

which uses chemicals to delay
the natural effects of death.

And how long have you been
doing this?

So I've been embalming
for four, five years.

Have you? Five years, yeah.

I started at Lymn's when I was 16.

16? You started here
when you were 16? Yeah.

I mean, arguably it's an unusual
occupation for a teenager.

Yeah.

Are people surprised when you say
what you do for a living?

Yeah, definitely,
I get a lot of questions.

Yeah, when I go out and people ask
what you do and whatever.

Sometimes I don't bother
to say anything

because I can't be bothered
with it on a night out.

You feel completely at ease
being around bodies all day?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah?

I'm used to it, I guess. Yeah.

We're much more familiar
with what goes on within a funeral.

But this is actually so important.

Everybody sees the hearse,
funeral director,

and you don't sort of, some people
perhaps don't even realise

that we're here to a degree
and what we actually do.

And then once the body is prepared
and you've done everything,

where will they be taken?

So we'll dress them in here and then
we just go through this door.

So once somebody is prepared
and in their coffin,

they'll then be brought into here.

So all these coffins have got
deceased in, ready to go out

to the branches that they're going
to be viewed at, or for the funeral.

It's fairly nonstop, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah.

You know, there's never...
It's a process all the time.

Yeah. It's just next.

I don't want it to sound
like I'm dehumanising them,

but it's like an effective
production line, isn't it? Yeah.

Everyone has their role

and everybody has to make sure
that they do the correct thing.

Yeah, yeah, definitely.

How did you get on
in the mortuary facility?

It's quite oppressive, isn't it?

It can be at times, yeah, certainly.

When you come to a company of this
size, and you go in and there's

a mortuary there with 80 spaces,
if you're not careful, you can get

so accustomed to the death,

that you begin to lose
the importance of the fact that

irrespective, this may be,
you know, case number 13

that the embalming team are working
on that day, this might be the

fourth deceased we're bringing into
care, but as far as that family are

concerned, that's the only funeral
that they are concerned with.

We always try to say to people,

"We will care for your loved one
as though they were our own."

So these are the roses for it.

AW Lymn are currently preparing for
a large Caribbean funeral,

following the death
of 65-year-old Edwin,

who died of bowel cancer
just a few weeks ago.

In my role at AW Lymn, I've been
invited to attend the funeral.

I want to meet the family
left behind...

Hi, Stacey.

How are you? Nice to see you.

Are you well?
Nice to see you as well.

Yeah, I'm OK, thanks.
Come on in.

..his wife of 40 years, Jennifer,

and children, Callah and Aisha,

who are home for the funeral.

Come on in.

Wow, what a beautiful room.
Thank you.

It's a wonderful view.
Look at this. Isn't it?

And right at the bottom, we've got
a chicken coop with a pen.

Have you? Yeah,
and Edwin made the chicken coop.

I was thinking,
"Oh, do I want chickens?

"I'm working, you're working,
who's going to look after them?"

Then he goes on furlough and he's
like, "We're gonna have chickens!"

And please may you show me your
Edwin? These photos, where's Edwin?

That's Edwin in the middle there
next to my mum.

There's him
when we had our family portrait

when the children were little.

Look at you! He was so handsome.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he was.

He is.

Faith plays a big part
in the family's life,

which will be reflected
in Edwin's funeral.

It hasn't quite hit home yet.

I don't think it has fully hit home.

But we talked about death
in advance many times before.

We knew we wanted a burial
and the church was a given

because it's, I'm a member there.
OK.

It's the church
we also went to as children.

He believed there was an afterlife.

It doesn't necessarily mean
we believe there is a heaven

and there's a hell but in the fact
that his physical body

would die and decay

and we want it to go back
to the earth.

You know, we came from the soil,
we came from the earth,

and we are part of that cycle.

And that's what we wanted.

But we also believe that
his spirit would be with us.

MOBILE RINGING

Take that if you need to.

OK, let's have a look.
It's not my phone.

It's Edwin's phone,
but I've kept it on because...

Oh, it's Edwin's phone?

Yeah, we've kept it on because
there are people that are still

contacting him that we need
to let know.

I'm sad. Course!

I'm sad and I'm going to miss him
terribly.

But...

..we prepared each other.

And I think having that faith
does give you a foundation

and the strength.

Callah! Hello.
I'm Stacey.

Hiya. Nice to meet you.
Likewise.

Really, really nice to meet you.

How are you doing?

A bit up and down,
but this just, yeah,

trying to hang on
to the positive memories.

So tell me about your dad.

He's my superhero, so, yeah.

There was a lot I could...

..I looked up to him for.

He, yeah,
he's an inspiration in many ways.

Things I do and mannerisms I have,
people tell me is like my dad.

So, yeah, I'll miss him a lot.

If you didn't have faith,

do you think you would be
less accepting

of the current situation?

As he was becoming more ill
and stuff,

the fact that we are
faithful, spiritual people

helped me deal
with his actual illness at the time.

I think if we just thought it was
the end, it would be, yeah,

that would be a bit more negative,
a bit more morbid as they would say.

But, yeah, we believe
he will rise again.

Say something.

Yeah, this is me drinking
my wonderful artichoke tea.

And the flavour is wonderful!

Knock it back.

There you go.

What you saying? Knock it back?

Oh, hello there.

I'm halfway through my time
at AW Lymn...

Hiya.

..and I'm beginning to feel at home.

So this is, I suppose,

the main part
of the funeral directors,

and then we're through here, and I'm
with the florists this afternoon,

which I'm actually
very excited about.

The company spends £200,000
on flowers each year.

Hi, girls. Hello.

How are you?
I'm all right. How are you?

Yeah, I'm spot-on, ta.

I'm here to help florist manager,
Fiona,

who oversees around
55 floral tributes each week.

We've done all sorts before from,

they tend to like
their favourite things.

So, we've done cars,
through to cigarette packets,

PlayStation games.

Anything, you name it.

Cups of tea, cakes.
They ask for it.

We even did a jetwash last week.

So there's all sorts
in there that we do.

You did a bouquet of flowers
representing a cup of tea?

Yeah. Brilliant!

That would be good for me, actually.
Maybe I'll go for that.

I know where to come. Yeah.

So you've been here for how long?

Been here two years in December.

So not very long here, but been
in floristry for about 15 years.

Has that made you think
about death personally?

Is it something that you've had
to kind of wrap your head around,

or are you quite chill
about the whole thing?

So, how I got the job
was very strange.

I was paying my mum's funeral bill

and I just needed
a change of job at the same time.

I'd lost my mum and dad
within the space of eight months.

And just looking for a bit
of change in my career.

I mentioned it to the lady
who arranged my funeral,

told me the job was going
and the rest was history.

So it was just by chance,
paying a funeral bill,

that I ended up here.

But I think that gives me
a little bit of peace as well

in a strange way being here,
because it's nice to be able

to create nice things for people
who, they've lost somebody as well.

So you're putting your heart
into it

as well as...as just
making stuff for people.

You know it's my dream job?
Oh, is it?

Like, legit. Yeah.
But I love flowers.

You can have a go at making
something if you like.

But we'll just,
for a petal basket... Yeah.

They'll use these after a burial.

We just literally break them off.

And that's it.
That, I can manage.

That I can manage. Fine.

How do you feel
you're getting on here?

I'm so odd about death, Fiona.

I'm just so wobbly
about the whole topic.

You know what I mean?

A lot of people don't like
talking about it. Yeah.

It's very British thing, isn't it?

We're just so awkward
about the conversation.

Definitely, definitely.

Because there's a lot of other
cultures that just, like,

talking about death so much more,
that deal with it better than we do.

I think everybody puts it off here.

You don't want to...
You don't plan for it, do you?

What about you?

I mean, I quite like the idea
of sitting in an urn,

so I'm never alone,
do you know what I mean? Yeah.

So, like my family can have me
on the fireplace or whatever.

Maybe like a marble urn.
Yeah.

Like a high-end urn!

THEY LAUGH

It's the morning of
retired builder Edwin's funeral.

350 people are expected to attend.

The drivers are preparing
the vehicles for the procession.

It's one of the largest
funeral fleets in Europe.

Remind me how many
Rolls Royces there are.

So, we have seven of these
Phantom VII hearses.

I'm told there are only eight,

possibly nine in the world,
of which...

Wait! ..one. So there's eight or
nine in the world

and you own seven of them?

That's correct.

Wow!

There was the one that was
already built in Italy.

There were the seven built for us.

And there was one more.

For Jay Z?

For who?

It's funny how much time
you think about what you

want your funeral to look like when
you're here, you know what I mean?

I quite fancy...
Something like this will do me.

Given it's the only one
in the world.

A wicker coffin probably.

Cremation, for sure.

The ashes in an urn,
in a marble urn,

in my family home. Yeah?

I might change my mind on that,
but for now.

Flowers galore.

The funeral is about the living

just as much as it is
about the deceased.

And although the funeral
should reflect

the life of the deceased,
there needs to be some realisation

that part of the health of this
country and the health of the world

is the way we say goodbye
to our friends when they've died.

What are you going to go in?

I think I will be going
in the modern fleet.

You want the fleet?

Oh, yeah.
It has the wow factor.

I don't know what else to call it.

Edwin's funeral is conducted
by Nigel.

Come on now, be honest,
was he a good cricketer?

And the service is led
by Reverend Canon Eve.

At the very heart of everything I do
is the person in the coffin, really.

It's about how do we celebrate
that life in a way

that sort of captures beautifully

the essence of this human being?

Known Eddie long enough to know
that there must have been days

when he faced his own mortality,

that the only reality for him was
to lean upon God's unchanging arms.

Edwin wanted a natural burial
at a local woodland site

and as Caribbean tradition dictates,

friends and family
will help fill in the grave.

One of the great things about
Caribbean culture is that we have

this wonderful way of grieving,

because we have this capacity

to pull together the grief,

the sorrow and the celebration,
the thanksgiving.

THEY SING

They're like singing him to sleep.

Everyone that really loves him

sort of physically
laying him to rest.

We don't talk about death enough.

One of the great things
about our culture is that

we bring our children to funerals
and they see death.

There's so much emphasis
placed on celebrating him.

You know what I mean? It's...

There's a lot of joy here.

There's something really lovely
about this style of burial.

In all the experiences I've had
so far at the funeral home,

I'm still not in any way at ease
with spending time

with the deceased.

I find it really unsettling,
really unnerving,

and I always just feel a bit iffy.

I just always feel a bit out
of sorts when I'm near a dead body.

But I appreciate
that I do need to see what goes on,

because I need a full picture
of what happens when you pass.

Today I'm heading back
to the onsite mortuary.

It's not a pleasant space.

You know, it's sterile,
it's sanitised, it's cold,

there's a certain smell.

I've been allowed to watch
the preserving process

used on 65%
of the funeral home's deceased -

embalming.

Am I all right to bring this chair?
Yeah, of course, yeah.

Something I'm feeling a little
apprehensive about.

Thank you.

OK.

The deceased that you're going
to be working on now,

talk me through what the plan is.
So I've got the deceased out.

I've just sutured the mouth.

What does that mean?
So, closed the mouth.

So when someone passes away
normally their mouth's wide open.

And we'll raise the arteries

and then pump the fluid
round the cardiovascular system.

OK.

Embalming also enhances
the appearance of the deceased

and is usually used at request
of the next of kin

when the body is being viewed.

Some faiths prohibit embalming
completely.

And how long has this person,
the deceased, been dead?

About two weeks. A couple of weeks?
Yeah.

And will he fill out?

Yeah, so it does fill the tissue.
Yeah.

It just plumps the skin.

It looks like physically
quite hard work.

It can be, yeah. Yeah.

It's quite intense.

What is it about this profession
that you love?

It's just the difference
that you make,

because seeing somebody for
the last time, that makes an impact

on that person's life for the rest
of their life,

and you don't ever forget it.

I mean, do you often think about
your own mortality, or not really?

I think more than anything
it just makes you,

it sounds a bit cliched,
but want to live your life,

because you see so many young people
coming through here.

I don't feel as...

..all over the place
as I'd anticipated, actually.

There's also something
quite kind of human about it,

do you know what I mean?

And they take great care,

and she sort of just put a comb
through the hair, so...

The respect that goes into
their work is...

..really commendable.

I always thought
the role of a funeral director

was all about the funeral.

But I've come to realise
that much of their work is geared

towards preparing the deceased
for families to spend time

with them
before they're put to rest.

I've travelled to another branch
to meet David

as he prepares for a particularly
difficult viewing.

Ten-year-old Lexi died from a rare
childhood cancer last week.

Her mother is visiting today.

You OK, David?
Right, OK.

When is the funeral?

It's a couple of weeks away.

She loved her horse riding,
and on the day of the funeral

the horse that she loved
and she loved to ride with

is meeting us at the top
of the drive at the crematorium

and paging us down.

It's the tiny personal details
mean so much to the family.

A lot of the businesses
are putting blue bows on things

and people are putting
blue bows on for Lexi.

Danielle should be here any minute,
really, I would think.

And she knows I'm here, doesn't she?
And she feels comfy?

She does. Yeah.

Hey. You all right?

Hiya. You all right?
Hello, darling.

I am. Thank you.

Danielle, I'm Stacey.
Hiya. Nice to meet you.

So, so lovely to meet you.

I just, I don't want to fall
into cliches,

but I'm just so sorry. Thank you.
Thank you so much.

That means a lot, thank you.

There's no words, it's just...

SHE SOBS

David was bringing me up to speed.

Your Lexi, she sounded wicked!

She was. She was brilliant.
Like a real character.

She was, yeah. So...

But, yeah, she was
a really, really strong girl.

Really strong.

Like her mum?

Yes. Yes, probably. Yeah.

Cos I've really just looked
after Lexi on my own, generally.

So, yeah,
she'd probably get it from me.

You've been, you've been
coming down most days, Danielle.

Yeah. Near enough every day
I've come down to see her.

Just doesn't feel normal,
not seeing her.

Being beside her.

It's just horrible being at home
when she's not there.

Do you mind me asking what
you say to her

when you're in the room with her?

Just how my day's been.

Yeah, just let her know
that I'm still thinking of her

and I love her and I miss her.

It's heartbreaking.

Sometimes to the point
where I just can't handle it.

It hurts that much.

WHISPERING: It's your
worst nightmare come true.

And she's so dignified,
and so kind and so calm.

Look, there's a blue ribbon
on the lamppost.

There's other one there, look.

It's obviously to show solidarity
with the family.

Look, look.

This is Dylan. Dylan. Hello, mate.
I'm Stacey.

Danielle has invited me over
to meet her 14-year-old son Dylan,

and Katie, the civil celebrant
officiating Lexi's humanist funeral.

She's here today to get to know
the family,

and find out who Lexi was.

So the day is all about just her.

Her story, her personality.

We want to just give her
the best last day.

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, that's fine.

OK. All right?

So we've chosen Dancing In The Sky.
Yep. Yeah.

My Heart Will Go On.
Did you choose that, Dylan?

Yes, I did.
I just liked The Titanic

and I thought the song would go,

it would match with the theme
and everything.

Because obviously Lexi
was a wonderful person,

so I thought it would go on. Yeah.

Obviously it'll stay in our hearts
forever, so I thought the song

would match perfectly for us all.

Donations to the Lexi May
Foundation? Yes. Yeah.

And this is for...?
Her caravan. Yeah. She loved...

She loved her holidays, because
we went on a lot of holidays.

She just loved
being in the caravans.

It's going to be like a legacy.
It is.

It's going to be Lexi's legacy.
Yeah. That's nice. Yeah.

Was there a point where she actually
knew that she was going to die?

No. She never knew? No. No.

No.

I was with her when she,
when she died.

I was holding her hand and I was
talking to her and I was saying,

"You're just fine baby girl.
You know you've been poorly.

"You're poorly now,
you know you're tired,

"you're just going to go to sleep,

"but I will always be there
for you and I'm going to be here."

And she's always going
to be your little girl.

She knew we were all there. OK.

But she weren't in any pain. No.

What are you going to miss the most?

Hmm.

Her attention.
The attention she gave you?

Yeah. Yeah.

The love and the attention.

Because, as Dylan knows,
everybody knows, she was all me.

Yeah. She was like,
she was like a little leech.

So all she wanted was me, me, me.

Yeah.

What about you, Dylan?
I was going to say her smile.

Her smile.
Did she have a good smile?

Yeah. Obviously we had a bunch
of photos and everything

with her smile in it.

We will keep going though
for her caravan, won't we, mate?

And that's what...
You've got a goal in sight.

We're not going to
let her down, are we, Dylan? No.

Like Danielle,

more people than ever before
are choosing humanist funerals.

I want to ask celebrant Katie
about the support she gives

to families just after death

that religions
traditionally provide.

What an amazing job you have,
but it's intense.

It is intense.

You're dealing with people
at the worst time of their life.

Right.

When I decided to do this,
my main aim was to help people.

I think sitting with my father
when he died,

I think that changed me, because
you actually watched the process.

Yeah.
So you watched the death happen.

And I think in my mind,
I sort of had to think,

"Well, he must be going
to a better place."

Do I believe in a blond-haired,
blue-eyed man called Jesus? No.

But I believe something carries on.

I always tell my families,
especially as well

if they're going to see their
loved one, that's an empty vessel.

Their soul is back
where they wanted to be,

either with you,
or in their favourite place or...

They will live on in other ways.

And that's how it is for me.

My time at the funeral directors
is approaching its conclusion.

Up until now, I've mainly been
exploring death through the eyes

of those left behind.

But today I'm meeting someone
who is having to come to terms

with their own imminent death.

How did you feel about
what you just saw?

Determined to see her final
resting place, 57-year-old Jenny

and twin sister Lena
have just completed a tour

of the local crematorium.

Hiya. Hiya, I'm Stacey.
Hello, Stacey. Are you Jenny?

Yeah. Nice to see you. Lena.

God, you're so alike!

This tour was obviously planned?
Yes.

How did you feel this morning?

The idea that you were going
to come and have a look at...?

Erm, you see the thing is,
I've accepted that I'm dying,

so after that I'm going
to be dead anyway,

so I don't know what's going to
happen or whatever.

But I was all right, you know.
So why particularly did you want

to come here? Well, I wanted to come
and see. I'm a bit controlling!

She is very controlling.
But I just wanted to see where,

where my last time will be.

And, Jenny, what's the prognosis?
What have they told you?

Oh, last year on the 22nd of August
they gave me 12 months to live.

We call it,
I know you shouldn't really say it,

but I call it me expiration date!

What is that like?
When you're approaching that date?

When... It was really weird
at the beginning,

I kept thinking, "I'm going to die,
I'm not going to live," didn't I?

I kept thinking,
"Oh, I am not going to live."

But now it's coming up to a year,
these past couple of months

I've really gone for it.

From our point of view,
when Jen first found out,

it was almost like a grieving
initially. Sure. Yeah.

And then it went
to a bit of a lull,

where everyone
sort of forgot about it.

But now it's sort of like
we're racing to the end. Yeah.

We're trying to do everything
you asked for, aren't we?

Yeah. I've never been so busy!
That's it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The diary's jam-packed! Yeah!

She'll be shattered by tomorrow.
It is, though, isn't it? Yeah.

I'm not frightened at all of dying.

I know it might be a bit rough
towards the end,

but everybody I've seen,
they've died peacefully.

And I truly believe
that I'm going to die peacefully.

The only thing I don't,
that really upsets me,

and I can't get over,
is that I'm going to leave...

It's all right, Jen.

I'm going to leave my children
and my grandchildren.

And that's the only thing
that bothers me.

You know, not... Look.

I am not bothered about, you know,
the dying part or anything.

No, but... Sorry.

And that's the only thing
that...that makes me sad.

Of course.

How do you want people to feel
the day of your funeral?

Well, I know they're going to cry,
because we're criers. Yeah.

You know, we show our emotions.

She wanted us to wear fancy dress
and I refused. Oh, yeah.

I said, "No way."
Yeah, Lena said we couldn't do that.

So, we've compromised with
a bright top, haven't we, Jen?

Yeah, yeah. And, Lena,
from your point of view, you know,

can you imagine your life
without your twin? No. No.

I think that's the hardest,
isn't it?

You'll be all right, Le.

You will.

It's just rubbish.
That's all I can say.

It's rubbish.

The whole thing is rubbish.

And I can't do anything to stop it.
No.

I mean, I'm lucky.
And I do, I say this all the time,

but I feel incredibly lucky
that I know I'm dying.

So I do feel lucky in that way,
that I've had this time.

Rolling her out! Do I smile?

Oh, it's sunshining outside.
Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it?

Nice and slowly through here.

The day of ten-year-old Lexi's
funeral has arrived.

It's going to be a tough day.

But I've got my professional head on
now, so I think I'm going to be OK.

Yeah. Danielle's been down this
morning to say goodbye to Lexi.

I don't think it will hit her
until afterwards, you know,

because she's come down
every day to see Lexi.

Nearly every day
she's come down to see her.

The point will come now
where she can't come down.

Family and friends, we gather here
today with heavy hearts

to remember and celebrate
the life of a precious soul, Lexi.

Lexi's infectious laugh,
her boundless curiosity.

Though we mourn the loss of the
years that she should have had,

we also embrace the precious moments
that we were privileged to share.

Ride now. Good. One, two.

Ride out. One, two. Right.
Whoa, whoa.

Good girl. One, and two.

Whatever your relationship
is like with death,

there's a reluctance
to accept that it's inevitable

when it's, when it's a kid.

It's just, how on earth do
you say goodbye to your child?

Yeah, I've no idea how you...

how you do that.

We will remember Lexi when the sun
shines and even when it rains,

the passing of the seasons
will help to dull the pain.

Heaven has gained a princess,
how lucky they are.

Now up there with the angels
is our own shining star.

Just wondering about those
cars for this afternoon,

whether you need my car or not?

Perhaps you could let me know.
Thank you. Bye.

As my time at AW Lymn
draws to a close,

I can't claim that
it's cured my fear of death.

I think I'm still apprehensive
and wobbly about the whole topic.

But it has been useful to see
for myself exactly what goes down.

I think it is healthy
and I think it is beneficial

to talk about death,

because we don't talk about death
in this country.

Nigel! Hello. I was looking
for you to say goodbye.

Are you off then? I'm going.

Finished today?
Today's my last day.

So tell me the, experience here, has
it been as you expected it to be?

I just think I have
to surrender to the inevitable,

and I think it's important
to have conversations,

discuss what you would like to
happen, but don't obsess over it.

It's a bit like making a will,
you know.

People think,
they put off making a will

because it's talking about
their own...their own end.

But it doesn't make it happen.

That's a good point. Just because
you're talking about it,

doesn't mean you're going
to speak it into existence.

Absolutely not. Absolutely not.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it can help to break down
the fears of it,

as I think you're
saying you've found yourself.

Yeah, I've enjoyed my time here.
Well, that's good.

It has been lovely to have you here.
Thanks, Nigel. Have a good day.

See you.

What this has given me
is like a sharp focus.

You can either think about it
all the time,

or accept you don't really know
the answer to those questions.

To find out more
about how other cultures

and other communities decide
where to lay their loved ones

to rest, and sometimes
it's really unexpected,

you can click on the website
that's on screen now

and that'll take you to the page
for the Open University.

# Across the purple sky

# All the birds are leaving

# But how can they know

# It's time for them to go?

# Before the winter fire,
I will still be dreaming... #