All language subtitles for Columbo - 09x02 - Columbo Cries Wolf.DVDRip.English.HI.updated.Addic7ed.com

NARRATOR: Tonight, on Columbo.

I started Bachelor's World,
I am Bachelor's World.

We started
Bachelor's World.

I've been thinking how
wonderful life would be
if you just disappeared.

Who's the man
in the raincoat?

Lieutenant Columbo,
Homicide.

Doesn't the fact that your
business partner is missing,
doesn't that worry you, sir?

Stop playing
games with me,
Columbo.

Is there a body?

We think there is, sir.

It's all an
act with you,
isn't it?

SEAN: You're not the naive,
bumbling detective
you pretend to be.

The end of a perfect day.

How do you feel?

Good.

Good.

Okay. Wet your lips for me.

Say my name.

Sean.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(PHONE RINGING)

WOMAN:
Dian Hunter's office.

Okay, Raynelle.

Let's see Joan's layout
on the chateau.

I've got it right here.

Let's deepen up
this background some.

Okay, no problem.

Do we have any more
copy for this?

Yes, I do have some.

Good.

How is Sean coming with
the Nymph of the Year shoot?

Well, he's shooting
as we speak.

He's shooting
or he's playing?

RAYNELLE: Oh, I don't know
about that.

Let's see what
the cameras tell us.

Okay, everybody,
that's a wrap.
Take 10.

WOMAN: Okay!
Ten minutes, good.

You're so gorgeous.

(MODEL MOANING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Dian, the advance
tape of Jeanne Wolf's
Sunday interview

with Sean and Tina
just arrived.

I can't wait to see that.

JEANNE ON SCREEN: All right,
now for the big question.
Sean, Tina,

could the rumors possibly
be true that the world's
most elusive bachelor,

Mr. Bachelor's World
himself, is for
the first time in his life

thinking about matrimony?

Thinking about marrying
sweet Tina, Bachelor's World's
current cover girl,

is every man's dream.

JEANNE: Then you are
thinking about it.

Sean Brantley is
actually thinking
about getting married?

Yes.

And when you see the next
issue of Bachelor's World,
you'll see why.

That does it.
Beep Sean. Get him
up here and then,

put a call through
to Sir Harry Matthews.

(PAGER BEEPING)

Trouble?

That's putting it mildly.

Hello, sweetheart.

Don't "sweetheart" me.

And wipe that silly,
smirking little-boy grin
off your face.

Hold all calls.

Yes, Miss Hunter.

DIAN: You bastard!
I saw the interview that
you and sweet, little Tina

did with Jeanne Wolf.
I've had it, Sean.

You don't seriously
think I'm considering
marrying her, do you?

It's all just publicity,
to boost circulation
for the magazine,

to feed our readers'
fantasies. It's just
like everything else.

The chateau,
the live-in Nymphs.

That's the same excuse
you've used to justify
every affair you've had

with every Nymph of the Month
for the last 10 years.

But it's the truth.

You're the only one
I've ever loved.

You know that.
Come on.

Haven't you noticed how
every Nymph of the Month
resembles you in some way?

Some have your eyes, some
your mouth, some your lips,
others your breasts...

Stop it, Sean!

DIAN: We've been
through this 100 times.

No matter how many
Nymphs you've had,

I've always managed to
convince myself that it
was me you cared about.

But I've finally
come to my senses.

I'm leaving you, Sean.

I'm leaving you and
Bachelor's World.

I'm leaving for London
tonight to sell my stock
to Sir Harry Matthews.

Okay. Okay.

You've made your point.
I'll break it off with Tina.
She's gone.

You don't get it,
do you, Sean?

It's not about Tina.

It's about you and me.

All right.

All right, I'll get rid
of them, all of them.
No more live-in Nymphs.

Just you and me
and the peacocks
and the deer and the...

I'm serious, Sean.

All right, you win.

It'll be just the way
it was when we started
the magazine.

Just the two of us.
Just you and me.
I swear.

I'm begging you.

Oh, don't beg, Sean.

My mind is made up.

Okay.

Okay, you're
hurt and angry,
and you want out.

I understand that.
But why Matthews? If you
want to sell, sell to me.

And what would you use
for money, Sean?

SEAN: I'll pay you out
of future earnings.

I'll put up my 49%
of stock as security.

What earnings?

We spend every dime
we take in on the
chateau, the parties,

the shopping sprees,
the Nymphs.

All right, sell 49%
to Matthews and sell
2% to me.

That would give you
control of the company.

I don't think Sir Harry
would like that.

Why shouldn't I have control?
I started Bachelor's World,
I am Bachelor's World.

We started
Bachelor's World.

With my money.

That's why I own

51% of the stock.

I wouldn't worry
too much, Sean.

Life goes on.

Of course, Sir Harry
will probably
close the chateau

and he'll cut expenses
to the very bone.

That seems to be
all there is to talk about.

So, as Sir Harry would say...

Ta-ta, for now, Sean.

Not "ta-ta," sweetheart.
Goodbye.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi!

How you doing, baby?

Thanks.

...in the water, and as
the lawyer, who swim safely
through the sharks,

reaches the lifeboat
and finds that...

Astounded, the minister
turns to the doctor
and the rabbi and asks,

"How come the sharks
didn't eat him?"

"Professional courtesy."
That was in Bachelor's World
two years ago.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Hi there, ladies.

You're looking great.

Have a safe trip.

Thank you, Cosner.

Yes, ma'am.

Night, Miss Hunter.
Have a safe trip.

Cosner, don't
forget my basket
of goodies, please.

COSNER: No, ma'am.

You have to do it quick.
Two minutes. Just do it.

Cosner?

Yes, ma'am?

Please make sure
the smoked salmon is
Scottish, not domestic.

And paper thin.

Yes, ma'am.

You got Miss Hunter's
basket, Louie?

Hey, all ready.

(GUNSHOT)

Louie, didn't
that sound like
a gunshot?

Sounded like
a backfire
to me, mate.

Them hotshot kids back
there parking cars.
You hear it all the time.

If I drove like that,
I'd be canned in a minute.

I believe it. That lady
you work for is what
we call très fussy.

Thank you.

Cheers.

(LAUGHING)

Paula, take my watch.
Time us.

On your mark,
get set, go!

(ALL CHEERING)

(MAN CHATTERING ON PA)

COSNER: Anything
else, ma'am?

No.

Have a safe trip, ma'am.

Yes, sir?

Lieutenant Columbo.

Thank you, Lieutenant.
All right, let him in.

(WOMEN CHATTERING)

SEAN: Okay,
clear for me, please.

Okay, sweetheart,
smile for me.
Nice big smile.

Slowly. Beautiful.
Beautiful.

Nice big smile.
That's it. Beautiful.

Throw your hair way back.
Throw your hair way,
way back for me. Good.

Beautiful.
You are so beautiful.

Okay, that's it.
Hold that,
hold that, yeah.

Lower your
hands for me.
Slowly, yeah.

Lower your hands slowly.
Beautiful.

Hold that for me. Okay.

Lower your hands.
Beautiful.

Yeah, lower your hands,
slowly, slowly.

Yeah, that's beautiful.
Beautiful.

Who's that man
in the raincoat?

I'm sorry, sir,
forgive me.

(STAMMERING) I didn't mean
to intrude like this.

Who are you,
and what are
you doing here?

I'm Lieutenant Columbo, sir.
You are Sean Brantley,
aren't you?

Never mind who I am.
The question is, who are
you? Lieutenant of what?

LAPD, sir. I have
an appointment with
a Sean Brantley.

Bring that over here.
I can never get anything
done around here.

There's always something.
What is security doing,
sleeping?

Sorry, sir.

It's not a very good
likeness of me, but...

I'd say it flatters you.

Oh, well,
thank you very much.

What's this
about you having
an appointment?

I spoke to
your secretary,
Miss Robinson.

You spoke to Helen?

I don't know if her name
was Helen, but it was
for 10:00, sir.

Right. Well,
maybe you do have
an appointment.

I'll give him 10
minutes. Take a break,
everybody. Ten minutes.

I'll give you 10 minutes.
What's your name?

Lieutenant Columbo, sir.

Ten minutes.
Now, before you start,

we had a party last night.
It went very late.

The music was very loud.
But that's not about to
change. That's our business.

Well, this has
nothing to do
with the party, sir.

Well, thank God for that.

Is it all right to
talk in front of
the young lady?

Yes, of course.

But let's get on with it.
As you can see,
I have better things to do.

Yes, sir, I...
I can see that, sir.
So I'll get right to it.

This morning
I got a call from
an old friend,

Detective Chief
Superintendent Durk
at New Scotland Yard.

That's in London, sir.

Yes, I know.

What's that to do with me?

Well, Superintendent Durk,

he's investigating
the disappearance of
your business partner.

A Dian Hunter.

Dian missing?
Who reported her missing?

A Sir Harry Matthews.

I got the feeling
from Durk he's a
very important man.

Important? He controls
the most important media
empire in the world.

He has magazines,
newspapers, television.

Well, that would explain
why Durk is so anxious
to find her.

He's had two squads
working around the clock
the last three days.

I wonder if it occurred
to your friend to check
the Savoy Hotel.

That's where
she always stays.

Oh, I'm sure
he did that, sir.
He's...

He's checked all the hotels,
the airports, railroads,
car rental agencies.

They've looked everywhere.

That's why my friend Durk
asked me to come and see you.

He thought maybe you
might know something
about what happened.

All I know is
she said she was
going to London.

And apparently
she did, sir.

The airlines confirm that she
boarded the plane here in LA,

and she got off
in London.

British immigration,
they confirm that she
went through customs.

And this Sir Harry,
he had a limousine
at the airport,

and when she didn't show up,
he called the police.

You haven't heard from
her since she left,
have you, sir?

No.

Doesn't the fact that your
business partner is missing,
doesn't that worry you, sir?

You don't know Dian,
Lieutenant.

She's not only my
business partner,
she's my best friend.

We started the magazine
together, but she's
the brains. She runs it.

No, thank you
very much.

She turned
a $10,000 investment

into a multi-million
dollar media empire,

and she did it by
working 24 hours
a day for 12 years.

But sometimes
Dian feels as if
she's burning out.

And when she does,
she takes off.

She never tells anyone
where she's going,
she just goes.

And she goes
to places you
wouldn't believe.

The Mojave Desert, Shanghai,
Tibetan monastery,
a convent in Lourdes.

But this time,
she went to London.

And as I understand it, she
went to London for a very
important business meeting

with a very important man.

Now, she gets to London,
and she disappears
into thin air.

Doesn't that
worry you, sir?

It would,
if I didn't know Dian.

But knowing her as I do,
I know she'll turn up.

Let's hope
you're right, sir.

If you hear from her, would
you mind giving me a call?

That's Columbo,
Missing Persons.

No, that's
Lieutenant Columbo,
Homicide.

But I don't want you to
worry. There's no reason
to suspect foul play.

With your permission, sir,

I'll be asking questions
of some of the people
here on the grounds.

Just as a favor
to my friend
Superintendent Durk.

Now, there's no question
in your mind, Mr. Cosner,
that the woman...

Just Cosner, Lieutenant.

Just Cosner?

Cosner.

All right, Cosner.

You are sure that the
woman you took to the airport
was Miss Hunter?

No doubt about that?

Yes, Lieutenant,
I'm certain it was she.

I've driven madam
for seven years.

Did Miss Hunter, on
the way to the airport,
stop to visit with a friend,

business associate...
No, she did not.

So you went straight
to the airport?

We did make one stop,
at madam's
favorite restaurant,

where I picked up her
imported Scottish salmon.
She hates airline food.

You went into
the restaurant and she
stayed in the car alone?

COSNER: Correct.

And how long were you
in the restaurant?

A couple of minutes.

A couple of minutes?

Right.

And when you came out,
you had the salmon?

Yes.

Did you give
the salmon
to Miss Hunter?

No, I kept the salmon on
the front seat with me.

Madam had raised
the partition.

That's her way of saying
no more conversation.

So you drove
to the airport
from the restaurant

without talking.

COSNER: Correct.

And when you got to
the airport, did you
talk to her then?

I did, yes,
when I helped her
out of the limo.

For some reason,
the lady had gotten
herself all bundled up.

It seemed peculiar.
I couldn't imagine
why, and...

I remember asking her,
was there anything
I could do. She said, no.

Bundled up?
How was she
bundled up?

She had on a hat,
a scarf around her
head, dark glasses

and a fur coat
with the collar
turned up.

Would you put up
the partition, sir?

COSNER: Beg your pardon?

Would you get in the
back seat, sir, and
put up the partition?

Certainly.

(MUFFLED SPEECH)

Did you say something?

All you can see
is a silhouette.

When you went into
the restaurant,
where did you park?

In the back alley,
by the rear entrance
to the kitchen.

In the back alley.
And you were in for
a couple of minutes.

So there was enough
time for someone to
come up in another car

and switch someone else
for Miss Hunter.

Take Miss Hunter out and
replace her with someone
who looked like her.

No, no, no,
impossible. There
wasn't enough time.

You see, I was in
the restaurant less than
a minute when I heard a shot.

A shot?
You heard a shot?

Well, I... I heard what
I thought was a shot,
a bang from the alley,

and naturally I was concerned
and ran out to make sure
that madam was all right.

And?
And nothing.

All I saw was
the limo parked
just as I left it,

the alley absolutely
empty and peaceful.

Wait a minute.
Are you saying,
if there was a shot,

that there wasn't
enough time for someone
who fired that shot

to have gotten out
of the alley without
you seeing them?

That's right, Lieutenant.
And two minutes later,

when I got back in the car,
I could see madam's
silhouette through the glass.

That's two minutes,
Lieutenant.

That's hardly enough
time for someone to
have shot the lady,

switched clothes with her
and disposed of her body.

Excuse me, sir.

That night, when you came
back to the chateau, did
you clean up back here?

No, I just
parked the car
in the garage,

I dropped her whiskey
glass off in the kitchen
and I went to bed.

Good.

Keep everybody away from the
car until the crime lab has
had a chance to go over it.

Mr. Brantley's
not going to like that.

No, sir.
I don't think he will.

(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

What's going on?

We're not really sure.
There's a helicopter.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

I'm here to pick up
Lieutenant Columbo
for Sir Harry Matthews.

Who the hell is he
and what does he want?

MAN ON MICROPHONE:
Lieutenant Columbo!

Will Lieutenant Columbo
please come to the front
lawn as quickly as possible.

You're
Lieutenant Columbo?
Please hurry.

My employer does
not like to be
kept waiting.

MATTHEWS:
Thank you very much.
We'll see you again.

Thank you. Thank you.

Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.

Have a safe trip.
It's been a great
pleasure. Bye-bye.

Lieutenant Columbo,
Sir Harry Matthews.

Ah.

How do you do,
Lieutenant?
Please, sit down.

Do you know
who I am,
Lieutenant?

Oh, yes, sir. You're
a friend of Detective Chief
Superintendent Durk's.

Well, he's an acquaintance,
actually, of my old friend,
the home secretary.

You're the one who
reported Dian Hunter
missing, right?

Quite so. And what do
you have to report,
Lieutenant?

Not much.
All the evidence
so far indicates

that she got on the plane
here in LA and
she arrived in London.

Which officially makes it
Detective Chief Superintendent
Durk's case.

Then I suggest
you re-examine
the evidence.

I can assure you,
Dian Hunter was
the victim of foul play

at the hands of
that scoundrel,
Sean Brantley,

I'm sorry, sir, but
I'm going to need more
than your assurances.

I need real evidence
of foul play,

and I need a reason why
Mr. Brantley would hurt her.

A motive.

I should have
thought his motive
was self-evident.

When he discovered that
Dian was coming to London
to sell Bachelor's World,

he had to stop her,
or kiss his life of
Nymphs and riches goodbye.

He realized there
was only one
way to do that.

Somehow, he killed her,
or had her killed.

If it was actually
Dian who got off
that plane in London,

he had her killed there.
Or if it was someone else,

he killed her
right here in
Los Angeles.

Wherever it happened,
Sean Brantley killed her,

and it's up to you
to bring him to justice,
Lieutenant.

If she's really dead,
if he killed her.

Those are
two big ifs, sir.

Hmm.

Are you a cigar smoker,
Lieutenant?

Yes, sir.

Good.

I've always found
cigar smokers to
be clear thinkers.

The better the cigar,
the better the thinking.
Help yourself.

Thank you, sir.

Take another.

Oh, thank you
very much.

Light up.
Think it all through.

Think of how that
nasty little
opportunist killed her.

You're going to
enjoy those,
Lieutenant.

They're the most
expensive cigar
money can buy.

Did you know
they're $6 an inch?

Well, I don't need
this second one, sir.

I forgot...

I already took two
in the helicopter.

Oh, I see. Well, in that
case, I insist that you
take a whole lot more.

Go, go on, be my guest.

Just find out
what happened
to Dian Hunter.

OFFICER: Yeah, all right.
You go check the dumpster.

Oh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
I'll do that...

(OFFICERS CHATTERING)

(METAL DETECTOR BEEPING)

COLUMBO: It's
not a bullet.
Okay.

Keep looking.

MAN: Hey, Lieutenant!

COLUMBO: Bullet?

No, it's a shell casing.

Aha!

Looks like it's from
a.25 caliber automatic.

Okay, now make sure
we get prints on that.

Right.

Doesn't look like
we're gonna
find the bullet,

which means it's
probably still in
the body, Lieutenant?

That's exactly
right, Mr. Wilson,
exactly right.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Miss Hunter?

Miss Hunter is out
of the country. I'm her
secretary. Can I help you?

I'm Lieutenant Columbo.

You sound like
the young lady
I spoke to yesterday

when I called to
make an appointment
with Mr. Brantley.

Oh, my. Oh,
I am so sorry,
Lieutenant.

I forgot to tell him.
I'm a complete airhead.

You haven't heard anything
from Miss Hunter since we
talked yesterday, have you?

Yesterday, when
you told me she
was missing, I...

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Yes, miss?

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Whenever Dian wanted to
record a meeting, she would
leave the intercom on

and my machine would
automatically record it.

I've been wondering
whether she'd want me
to give this to you.

I've been buzzing you
for five minutes.

Get me some coffee.
Right away, Sean.

Oh, that was my fault,
sir, that she didn't hear
you buzzing.

I was asking her
questions for my report
to Superintendent Durk.

You and your friend
Superintendent Durk
are wasting your time.

Believe me, Columbo,

Dian will show up
in a day or two.
A week at the very most.

I'm not so sure
about that, sir.

Since we last talked,

there have been
some very puzzling
developments.

Very puzzling.

You don't mind if I look
around Miss Hunter's office,
do you, sir?

Puzzling
developments?

What kind
of puzzling
developments?

SEAN: Lieutenant,
what kind of
developments?

I must say, sir,

these girls
have their health.

Here's your coffee, Sean.

You forgot the cream,
again.

Can't you get it into
your head? It's Dian who
drinks her coffee black.

I use cream.

I... I'm sorry Sean.
I'll get your cream
right away.

I asked you
a question,
Columbo.

Huh?
What was that, sir?

The puzzling
developments
you mentioned.

What puzzling
developments?

Oh, just a lot of
little things, sir.
I gotta sort them out.

SEAN: What
little things?

Well, when
Miss Hunter left
for the airport,

she was carrying
hat, gloves
and a fur coat.

Well, that's not
inappropriate, considering
the weather in London

at this time of year.
Cream.

No sir,
but it is for LA.

I don't follow you,
Columbo.

COLUMBO: Well, when she got
into the limo, she was
carrying all that stuff,

and when she got
out of the limo,
she was wearing it.

And I checked the
temperature down there
at LAX. 76 degrees.

And here she is,
she's all bundled up
like Greta Garbo.

Why would she do that?

Maybe it wasn't her.

Are you suggesting
that Dian got into
the limousine

and somebody else
got out of it
at the airport?

Somebody
that looked
like her, sir.

And what you're saying is
all based on the fact that
the person who got out

at the airport was all
bundled up in a coat,
wearing dark glasses?

Not entirely, sir.
There was the gunshot.

What gunshot?

Oh, that's right.
Didn't I tell you
about the gunshot?

Oh, yeah, there
was a gunshot.

You know how
Miss Hunter hates
airline food.

Yeah, I know that.
What's it got to do
with a gunshot?

Well, when the chauffeur
went into the restaurant to
pick up the basket of food,

he thought he
heard a gunshot.

He thought he
heard a gunshot?

Oh, he heard one, all right.
We found a shell
casing in the alley.

It was right
near where the
limo was parked.

Okay, there was
a gunshot. You found
the shell casing.

But what you're saying is,
when Cosner went into
the restaurant,

somebody shot Dian,
put on her clothes,

disposed of the body,

and then took her
place on the flight
to London?

It's a possibility, sir.

(LAUGHS)

You've read too
many mystery
stories, Columbo.

Oh, no, sir,
I never read them.

I tried. Can't
figure them out.

Even after the detective
lays it all out in the end.

I could believe that.

It's like this case, sir.

I thought that this
was a simple case
of a missing person.

But that gunshot...

That's probable cause
for a homicide.

Do you own a gun, sir?

It's all an act
with you, isn't it?

You're not the naive,
bumbling detective
you pretend to be.

I'll bet you've already
checked with gun registration,

and you know I own a gun.

You got me there, sir.
I admit, I did check.

If I remember correctly,

it was a.25 caliber
Beretta. Is that
right? Oh, yeah.

Am I right in assuming
that the shell casing
you found in the alley

was from
a.25 automatic?

That's right, sir.

And naturally
you would like
to see mine.

If it's not
too much
trouble, sir.

No trouble at all,
Lieutenant.
Come this way.

Oh, boy.
Quite a collection.

Hold it, sir,
don't touch it.

The lab boys will want
to check it for prints.

It's a.25 caliber,
all right,

and it's a Beretta.

Do you remember
the last time you
fired this, sir?

I've never fired it.
I've never fired a gun
in my life, Columbo.

These are
all just toys
for boys.

Bric-a-brac for
the sophisticated
bachelor.

Well, somebody's fired it.

And recently.
Here, smell it.

(SNIFFING)

I smell it. What I don't
understand is how
anyone could have

gotten into my
cabinet with all the
security around here.

That's what
I don't understand.

But you can bet your
badge I'm gonna find
out about it right now.

Now, if that's all,
I've got a magazine
to get out.

I understand, sir.

I'm sorry, sir,
I took up so much
of your time.

I'll get out of
your hair and let
you go to work.

Hey, you know, I...

I really hate
asking you this.

Could you come
to the airport
this afternoon?

There's something
there I think you
should see.

SEAN: I hope this
isn't gonna take
too long, Columbo.

It won't, sir,
I promise. LAPD.

Okay.

Have you had lunch,
sir?

No, I haven't.

(BUZZING)

Gum drop?

No, thanks.

Howdy.
GUARD: Afternoon,
Lieutenant.

Where are you taking me?

It's right here, sir.

GUARD: You can
go on through.

This is the security
control center.

It's like
the eyes and ears of
the whole terminal.

It's amazing.

Everything that goes on,
you can see it right here.

Not very
many people
know this,

but if anybody
goes to an
airport today,

they're photographed
eight, 10, 12 times.

It's all part of that
campaign against
international terrorism.

If there are no problems,
the tapes get erased
after a few days.

Like these would've
been, if I didn't
put a hold on them.

"Do not erase."

Tapes of Dian,
I presume.

Well, that's what
I was hoping
you'd tell me, sir.

Is that your partner, sir?

Is that Miss Hunter?

It looks like her.

That's her coat,
her hat, her scarf,
that's her vanity case.

She had them all with her
when she left the chateau.

But is it her?
Look carefully.

Now, this one,
they blew up for me.

Look very,
very carefully.

It is her.

There's no
question about it.
It's her jewelry.

That's her ring,
and that's
her bracelet.

We have identical bracelets.

Right down to the
little button here that
switches off the beeper.

Look closely.

That's a beeper?

Our paging beepers.

Since Dian and I are
the only two who know
the numbers,

when it beeps, we
know who it is, and
that it's important.

Well, that's
very impressive, sir.

You know, it's so light
and thin, you hardly
know you're wearing it.

The beepers the police
give you, they're
so big and clunky,

they pull your clothes
all out of shape.

Well, we avoided
that problem.

We had these
custom made as
jewelry, you see?

Simple, elegant
and beautiful.

Well, they certainly
are beautiful.

Which is probably why
Miss Hunter decided
to wear it to London.

I mean, there's no
way you can beep her
in London, is there, sir?

No. If there was a way,
I would.

I'd dial a message
and have her call you.

That way, you'd know
she was alive and well,

and that would put
an end to all this gunshot
and double nonsense.

COLUMBO: Do you see
anything wrong in
that picture, sir?

No.

Nothing at all?
Nothing unusual?

No.

Look closely, sir.
Nothing wrong?

No. If you do, please
say so, and stop playing
games with me, Columbo.

The cream.

The cream, sir.

The lady in that
picture is pouring
cream in her coffee.

And as you
found out
in my office,

Dian doesn't use cream
in her coffee.

Which makes me think that
the lady in that picture
is not Miss Hunter.

That means
Miss Hunter never
got to London.

She never even got
to the airport.

Something happened
to her before
she got there.

What, Columbo?
What happened
to her?

A half dozen
witnesses saw her
walk down these stairs.

She was carrying her
hat and her coat and
the rest of that stuff.

Hi, ladies.

COLUMBO: Now,
she waved to
a few guests,

and then she saw you.

And you told her
to have a safe trip.

But the guests I spoke
to said that the way you
looked at each other,

it was obvious that
there was trouble
between you.

That's absurd.

Oh, there's no point in
denying that there was
trouble between you.

You had words
that afternoon.

You tried to persuade
her not to go to London.
Not to sell the magazine.

My life appears
to be an open book
to you, Columbo.

Just a few
hours of it, sir.

A few hours on
the day that this
woman vanished.

You'd be surprised
how much I know

about what
happened during
those few hours.

I'm beginning to
get the feeling

you think I had
something to do with
Dian's disappearance.

Is that what
you're implying,
Columbo?

I'm not implying
anything.

I'm asking you
to help me.

Help me figure
out what happened
to this woman.

It's a waste of time.

She's traipsing
around Europe
someplace.

But I'm at
your disposal,
Columbo.

Well, I appreciate that, sir.

Then Miss Hunter
came out
the front door.

There were a couple of
guests here who saw her
get into the limousine.

Would you mind
getting in, sir?

Okay, Cosner, let's go.

COSNER: Sir?

It's all right, Cosner.
Do whatever
the Lieutenant wants.

Yes, sir.

COLUMBO: Now,
the security guard at
the front gate, sir,

he logged
Miss Hunter
out at 9:22.

She poured herself a drink
and reminded Cosner
to stop at the restaurant.

Is that correct, Cosner?

Yes, sir.

COLUMBO: Then about 10
minutes later, they pulled
into this alley here

and they headed toward the
rear door of the restaurant.
Correct, Cosner?

COSNER: That's correct,
sir.

All right,
Cosner, now do
just what you did.

Exactly the way
you did it the
other night.

Very well, sir.

Mr. Cosner goes
through that door
into the kitchen.

He asks about
Miss Hunter's food.

There is a
brief exchange
with the chef,

and at that point,
Cosner hears what he
thinks is a gunshot.

He's worried about
Miss Hunter's safety,

so he comes
running out to
the alley again.

He looks up,
he looks down, and
the alley is empty.

Apparently
Miss Hunter
is all right,

and he goes back
into the kitchen.

He figures the bang
that he just heard was
just a car backfiring.

But it was a gunshot.
You found the shell casing.

That is true, sir.

He thought Dian
was all right,
but was she?

Or was she shot
while Cosner was
in the kitchen?

In my judgment sir,
she was shot.

No. Oh, my God, no.

Columbo,
I refuse to
believe it.

I'm sorry, sir, but all
the evidence indicates
that she was shot.

And someone
switched places
with her.

But who? How?

That's an interesting puzzle,
isn't it, sir?

It must have been
someone who knew Dian
always stopped here

before she went
to the airport.

It would have to
be someone like
that, yes, sir.

They waited until
Cosner went
into the kitchen,

and then they pulled up
in another car.

But there couldn't
have been
another car.

This is an alleyway.
It's a dead end.

And anyway,
Cosner would
have seen the car.

That means the double...
The double must
have been hiding

someplace here
in the alley,

and they waited
until Dian arrived.

That thought occurred
to me, too, sir.
Someone, a woman

who looked like Dian
could have been
behind that dumpster,

waited until Cosner
went into the kitchen,

came out from
behind the dumpster,

moved very quickly
to the rear of the car,

opens the door,
shoots Miss Hunter,

closes the door,
puts up the partition.

Now when Cosner
comes out to look,
the alley is empty.

The partition is up.

Cosner goes back
into the kitchen.

The double makes the switch.

Puts Miss Hunter's body
on the floor,

puts on her hat,
sunglasses

and takes her place
in the back seat.

Now Cosner
comes out with
the salmon.

He gets in the limo,
and they're off.

And that gives the double
plenty of time during
the trip to the airport

to change into
the rest of Miss
Hunter's clothes,

and to get
rid of the body.

Got rid of the
body on the way
to the airport?

COLUMBO: Cosner didn't
see anybody in
the back seat,

when he opened the door
for his passenger
at the airport.

And you and I agree

that the lady pouring cream
in her coffee on the
videotape wasn't Miss Hunter.

So that means
whoever she was,

she got rid of Miss Hunter's
body between the
alley and the airport.

But how? One doesn't just
open up a door and pitch
a body onto the freeway.

No, sir.
You hide it.

Hide it where?

The body was hidden
right here.

Under this seat.

Right in that storage
area, along with
the murder weapon.

Are you all right, sir?

I still can't believe
Dian is dead.

Your logic seems
irrefutable, Columbo,
but...

I still can't
believe she's dead.

Well, I can understand
how shocking this
must be to you, sir.

Maybe you
better sit down.

Cosner?
COSNER: Sir?

Chateau.

SEAN: What a world.

COLUMBO: Awful, isn't it?
You feeling any better, sir?

I'll be all right.

Well, you'll be home soon.
You'll be able to lie down.

Sir, I wanted
to ask you,

on your front lawn,
was that a Ilama
that I saw?

Yes. Yes, it was.

Yeah, I thought it was.

Now, what does
a thing like
that cost?

I don't know.

Expensive.

Oh, expensive sure.
That's what I thought.

Did I tell you, sir,
that the lab matched
up the gun casing

we found
in the alley
with your gun?

No, you didn't,
Columbo.

Along with my
fingerprints,
no doubt.

Yes, sir,
fingerprints on the
casing and on the gun.

Making me
prime suspect,
I suppose.

No, sir, you
were swimming
at the time.

We've got 20
pretty girls who'll
testify to that.

Thank goodness
for that.

And, of course,
we know the killer
had to be a woman.

Someone who
could pass for Dian.

But what happened
to Dian's body?

And how did the
murder weapon get back
inside my gun cabinet?

Well, after Cosner brought
the car back to
garage that night, sir,

the killer's accomplice,
and there had to be
an accomplice, sir,

and whoever that person
was, they removed
the body and the gun.

Then they hid the body
somewhere on the grounds
of the chateau,

and they returned
the gun to your
gun cabinet.

Oh, Cosner!

COSNER: Yes,
Lieutenant?

Would you stop
at the garage, please?

Yes, sir.

I just don't believe it.
You have taken one
or two incongruities

and worked out
an elaborate murder
plot to support them.

But your plot
has holes in it,
too, you know.

Like what, sir?

What about
blood stains?

If Dian was shot in the
back of the car, wouldn't
there be blood stains?

And a bullet hole?

Blood stains,
bullet hole.

You know,
that had me
stumped, too.

Until I saw
the bullets in your gun.

Glasers.

They're designed not to
penetrate, but to spread
out and kill quick.

If the killer pressed
the gun against
Miss Hunter's chest,

chances are death
would have been
instantaneous

and without a lot of
external bleeding.

You've got it
all figured out,
haven't you?

Oh, no, sir. There's a
lot of things about this
case I can't figure out.

Like where's the body?

We know
it's here at
the chateau,

but where?

How can you be
so sure of that?

Well, the lab boys
found these hairs

and you know
where they found them?

Let me show you where.

Here. Right here
underneath this seat.

You know what that means?

That means that
the killer was
never in the alley.

She was never
hiding behind
the dumpster.

She was here
under this seat
the whole time.

She was under this seat

before Miss Hunter
ever got into
the limousine.

COLUMBO: And when Cosner
went into the kitchen,

the killer came out
of her hiding place.

Miss Hunter, she tried
to get out of the car,

and it was at that point
that Miss Hunter was killed.

Come on, Columbo,
there's no way
you can know that.

The hairs tell us that
the killer was
underneath the bench.

The shell casing
was found
outside the door.

So the door had to
be open when
the shot was fired.

And these hairs,
these other hairs,

they match up with hairs
on Miss Hunter's hairbrush.

So we know

that Miss Hunter was
underneath this bench

when the limo
came back
to the chateau.

And if all this is right,
then the accomplice,

whoever that might be,

waited until everyone was
watching the movie you showed
that night,

and then got rid
of the body.

And it's somewhere
around here. But where?

Where?

Stop it.

Stop playing games.
Come out from behind
that cigar smoke of yours.

What you're really saying is
I conspired with someone
to murder my partner,

but make it look
like she vanished
in London.

But actually I have
her buried someplace
here in the chateau.

That thought
did occur to me...

Obviously!

You're not a subtle man,
Columbo. You pretend
to be, but you're not.

So let's drop
the pretense. Let's
drop it right now.

You think Dian's
buried here, then
you find the body.

Bring in bulldozers.
Bulldoze all five and a
half acres of the place.

Why don't you tear
down the main house?
You find the body,

and then you find my
accomplice, then you prove
me a killer, Columbo!

Prove it.

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

SEAN: Well, well, well,
ladies, let's take
a look at this.

(METAL DETECTOR BEEPING)

You're wasting
your time, Columbo.

WOMAN: Come on in.

Well, what can
we do for you,
honey?

Oh, gee, I...
I was looking for
Miss Hunter's suite.

Well, she's in
the north wing,
this is the south.

Uh-huh. Oh, well,
thank you. Sorry
to have bothered you.

Bye.
Bye.

WOMAN:
Come back and see us.

(WOMEN GIGGLING)

(WORKERS CHATTING)

WORKER: Hand me that trowel.

(HAMMERING)

Howdy.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

REPORTER 1: How long
has Miss Hunter
been missing?

She'll love it.

REPORTER 2: Why are
the police searching
the chateau?

REPORTER 3: Is it true
you two had a fight
the day she disappeared?

SEAN: Certainly not.

Are you meeting
with the chief
of police today?

I'll tell you what.
Why don't you ask
the police officer

conducting the
investigation?

Lieutenant Columbo.
That's him over there,
the man in the raincoat.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

I can't. I can't
answer any questions
at this time.

Is there more
than one body?

I cannot answer
any questions
at this time.

How did you
people know about
this so soon?

I notified them,
Columbo.

In the hope that when
Dian reads what you
and your men are doing

to the chateau, she'll
come home and put a stop
to this lunacy of yours.

I can assure you, sir,
there is nothing
I would like better.

Sorry.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

I can't answer
any questions
at this time.

HERB: The mayor is concerned
about this media blitz.
Now, it's huge.

Well, take today,
in addition to
network TV, cable,

all of Europe,
the Koreans
have shown up.

Korean TV.
Can you imagine?

Excuse me, Herb.

Let me just cut to
the bottom line here.

There are 200 reporters
in the hall every day.
I can't go to the bathroom.

The world is
watching the LA
Police Department

to see if you're
gonna find a body and
arrest the murderer.

Now, here's the point.
What happens if
you don't find a body?

Oh, we think we will, sir.

You think you will?
Yes, sir.

Well, let's just
suppose that there
was no murder.

I mean, what the hell
is going on here?

Is there a body?

We think there is, sir.

You think there is?
Yes, sir.

Well, gentlemen,
I'll tell you one thing.

This is something
that will not go away.

Oh, Lord, here they come.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Let's just
duck in here, please.

All right,
as I was saying,

this story is
gonna mushroom.

If you come up empty,
I'm gonna look bad,

but nothing
compared to...

Excuse me.

Let him out, Herb.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

I'm gonna look
bad, but nothing
compared to you.

The LA police will
be a national joke.

Johnny Carson'll
see to that.

So here's a word
to the wise.

If any of
you have
any doubts

about being able
to successfully
solve this case,

I beg you, think
long and hard
about the wisdom

of dropping
it right now.

Oh, we're convinced
we're on the right
track, Your Honor.

Isn't that
right, George?

Absolutely.
I'm convinced.

We have our best
man on the case,
and he's convinced.

Yes, sir.
Have you read
the report, sir?

Well, I didn't read
it, but Herb did,
and he tells me...

HERB: Actually,
I read a summary.

Alan, who was
supposed to be here,
read the whole thing,

but he's at
a bar mitzvah,

so he couldn't...

Tell the mayor how
you discovered that
the real Dian Hunter

never got
on that plane.

You tell him.

No, no, no.

How did you find out?

Wait'll you hear this.

Well, I got lucky.
I overheard two
people say

Dian Hunter
never takes cream
in her coffee.

So?

Well, sir,
are you aware that
down at the airport

they have these
TV screens to
monitor the people?

Yes.

But did you
know that they
have 40 of them?

40?

Yeah. They got them
all over.

They got them in the
corridors, they got them
in the waiting room areas,

they got them by
the security, where
the people check the baggage.

So what?
They got them
by the stairs...

Well, I went down
to check the tapes.

You checked all 40?

All 40.

Did you know that she
didn't take cream before
you looked at the tapes?

No, sir, I didn't know
what I was looking for.
I was just poking around.

Then you looked at
40 tapes on spec.

Yeah. That's why I
said I got lucky. I looked
at the tape at night.

She's pouring cream.

The very next day I
happened to hear the two
people closest to her say

she never takes cream.

(LAUGHING)

That's pretty good.

I told you.

A real beaver.
He digs.

Fellas, before you get
carried away with the
cream in the coffee,

here's the bottom line.
The prime suspect,
this Sean character,

was swimming in front
of 30 witnesses at
the time of the shot.

He couldn't have done
it alone. He had to
have an accomplice,

without which
you have no case.

Is that true?

Well, I'll tell you...

I got the accomplice.

You got the
accomplice?

You got the
accomplice?

I know who it is.

MAN ON TV: Bachelor World
chateau...

There you are.
Look, you're on
every channel.

I see it.

You're on the news.

Mmm-hmm.

Japanese channel.
Spanish TV, too.

(WOMAN CHATTERING ON TV)

Oh, look,
they're showing
me in here.

Look at me. Did you see
me in that one?
Oh, you look nice.

You look beautiful.
So beautiful.
Thank you.

So beautiful.
You do, too.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Oh, excuse me, sir.
I didn't mean to intrude.

You're not intruding,
Columbo. Come in.

We're just reading about
you in newspapers from
all over the world.

You're famous.
Look, you're
on television.

MAN ON TV: Quite a bit
of dirt has been
uncovered...

Although it would have been
better for your career if
you actually found something.

Oh, I got something,
here, sir. There's no
question about it.

On the theory that
Dian Hunter's double

was someone who
either worked or
lived at the chateau,

I got pictures of every blond
who came closest to her
description from security.

There were only four of them.

This one was on a yacht
in Rio de Janeiro,

and these two had alibis,
leaving...

Tina?

TINA: Me?

Oh, no, Columbo.
Tina was at the
party all night.

COLUMBO: Uh, no, sir.
I checked.

No one remembers seeing
Tina after Dian Hunter left.

People were
having a good
time, Columbo.

You can't expect
everyone to remember
where they were.

Well, lots of people
remembered where
you were all night.

I got a whole book
load of people who
remember that.

But no one remembers
seeing Tina after
Dian left. In fact,

no one remembers
seeing Tina for
28 hours after that.

What are you
getting at,
Columbo?

You didn't sleep here
for two nights, ma'am.

Twenty-eight hours.

That's enough time
for Tina to fly to London
as Dian,

and come back
as somebody else.

And that night,
when the car was
back in the garage,

you, Mr. Brantley,
were seen leaving
the movies.

And that's when you
disposed of the body.

A body you haven't
been able to find,
Columbo.

And there's
one more thing, sir.

Do you remember
the blond hair
I showed you

that we found
in the backseat
of the limo?

The lab matched
that up with hairs
from her comb.

Along with hairs from
most of the other Nymphs,
Columbo. Isn't that right?

Look at this child, Columbo.
Look at this face.

Is this the face
of a killer?

Do you honestly
believe I could
persuade

this beautiful,
young creature to
murder anyone?

People do all kinds of
things for love, sir.

Nonsense.

We're suspects because
someone from your ordinary
middle-class background

believes that immoral people
like Tina and I are capable of
anything, including murder.

No. You're suspects
because all the evidence
indicates you're guilty.

Then why don't you
arrest us?

'Cause I can't.
I know you did it,

but without a body,
I can't prove it.

Then you better
keep looking.
Bring in bulldozers.

Level the place. Go on.

The newspapers will
love it, I'll love it,
the magazine will love it.

Go on, Columbo,
make me happy.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

What do you want?

I just want to know
where you were
for that 28 hours.

MAN: Hey!
WOMAN: God!

Towel, Lieutenant?

Columbo, this
just arrived
from Dian.

See the postmark?
Milan. Last Wednesday.

I mean, you don't believe me,
and you want proof that
Dian's alive and well.

Take this to your experts,
along with these samples
of Dian's handwriting.

I'll do that, sir.
Thank you, sir.

Thanks a lot.

Well, we've
finally seen the
last of him.

Wanna bet?

Mr. Brantley,
you have a minute?

Get in.

You win.

WOMAN: Scoot over.

I'm sorry, Columbo,
some other time.

It's rather
important, sir.

All right, get in. Get in.

WOMAN: Here.
Over here, sit here.

Hi.
Here we are.

Who is this guy?

How are you?

I didn't know
he was coming.

Maybe I'll just sit
on the edge here.

If you just...
There we go.

There we go.
Thank you.

There we are.
Thank you very much.

Okay.

Where are
we going,
Mr. Brantley?

SEAN: We're going
on a shopping spree.

All right!

Yeah.

I guess you're
coming along.

(WOMEN GIGGLING)

Come on, my darlings,
off we go. We're off
to spend some money.

Come on, Columbo,
you're gonna have
some fun. Follow me.

Come on, girls, all
stick together now.
Come on, girls.

Okay, darlings, you've got
exactly two minutes.

On your marks,
get set, go!

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

I love it. I love
watching them trying
to bankrupt me.

Fat chance of that, thanks
to the boost in circulation
you've given the magazine.

Too bad Dian sent
that postcard.

I could've milked this
publicity for another week.

Funny you should say that.
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

The boys
in handwriting,
sir,

they can't confirm that
the writing on this postcard
belongs to Miss Hunter.

They say it's
inconclusive.

Well, that's wonderful news.
Attention, darlings! You've
one bonus minute of shopping.

(ALL SCREAMING)

And members of the press,
I've a bonus for you, too.

Lieutenant Columbo will issue
a statement with new evidence
concerning the disappearance

of my of my
beloved partner,
Dian Hunter.

Lieutenant,
what is the
new evidence?

REPORTER: Have you got your
statement ready, Lieutenant?

Why don't you
handle them? You do it
better than I do.

What can you
tell us that
they found?

Well, I really can't
discuss it,

but it does concern
a postcard that
Miss Hunter sent.

But I really
can't say much
more than that.

Listen, I hate
to keep bothering
you like this,

but if you'll just tell me
where you were during those
28 hours...

(COLUMBO CLEARS THROAT)

I really hate to
keep bothering
you this way,

but I just gotta
know where you
were all that time.

You hate to keep
bothering me?

If you hate
bothering me so much,
why don't you stop it?

I think I will.

My way isn't working.
These men are taking you
in for questioning.

I think you're right,
this way is better.

OFFICER: Come along, ma'am.

Hold her by the car, fellas.
I'll be right with you.

COLUMBO: Oh, Mr. Brantley?

I'm in here.

Come look at these
headlines, Columbo,

in papers from
all over the world.

The Middle East,
the Far East.

Places where the magazine
isn't even sold,
but soon will be.

And it's all thanks to you.

They're putting her
in handcuffs.
What're you doing?

She's a suspect in
a homicide. I have a
warrant to that effect,

and I'm taking her in
for questioning.

Columbo, what
is the matter
with you?

I've tried to reason
with you. I've tried
persuading you.

I have cooperated with you,
but I've never begged.

Now I'm begging you.

Don't subject this
young girl to this
humiliation. It's not fair.

I appreciate your
concern, but there's
nothing I can do.

Columbo, you're
the most stubborn man
I have ever met.

There's nothing
I can do about
that, sir.

What can I do to
stop you from this
insane behavior?

Tell the truth.

Look, look, this arrived
this morning, air carrier
from Cartier in Florence.

Look at this.
It's a beautiful
antique clock.

And there's a card
that goes with it.
Look, look at the card.

"Darling, having a
shopping spree of
my own. Love, Dian."

That handwriting looks
just like the handwriting
on the postcard.

(PHONE RINGING)

Don't go.

SEAN: Are you
absolutely certain?

You are certain?

Columbo.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

I tried to tell you,
Lieutenant.

In conclusion, I
would like to thank
Lieutenant Columbo,

who managed to solve
a murder that never
even happened,

and left no
chateau flowerbed
unprobed.

In fact, it was Lieutenant
Columbo's zealousness
and dedication

that made worldwide headlines
of my idle wanderings.

(SEAN CHUCKLING)

It was those same headlines
that convinced me

to catch the next
plane home.

A toast

to Lieutenant Columbo,

my savior.

(REPORTERS LAUGHING)

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

Lieutenant, I really
got to hand it to you.

You are a brilliant detective.
I mean that.

The way you gathered
all the evidence

and followed up
with all the clues
and pieced it together

and solved the murder
that never happened.
Brilliant.

Here's to brilliance.

Oh, no, sir, it was you
and Miss Hunter
that were brilliant.

You used me to
get a lot of
free publicity.

You made a fool out of me.

But I gotta hand it to you,
you did it well.

Come on, Columbo,
don't take it so bad.
You win some, you lose some.

Now you want
to tell me
where you were?

I was with a very
famous producer
in his place in Malibu.

The end of a perfect day.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

I will admit, Dian,
you had me worried.

I was sure this bastard
partner of yours
had done you in.

The truth is, Sir Harry,

I went away to give myself
time to make sure

I really wanted to sell
Bachelor's World.

And?

I've decided not to sell.

At least not at your price.

My offer's fair. It's what
the magazine's worth.

Was worth, Sir Harry.

According to this issue's
circulation figures,

the magazine is worth twice
what it was last week.

Due entirely to
your disappearance,

rumors of foul play
and Lieutenant Columbo's
speculations.

And the next issue
will be even bigger.

My future bride bares all.

Again.

All right, I'll up my offer
by two million dollars.

Save your breath, Matthews.
The magazine's not for sale.

Not dollars.

Up it by two million pounds
and we may have a deal.

I'll be at your office at
10:00 tomorrow to discuss it.

There's no need to worry
about your future, Sean.
I'm a generous man.

I'll give you a month
to pack up your trollops

and vacate this
overpriced bordello.

WOMAN: Looking good.

I get to move again.

Shopping spree leaves
in 10 minutes, girls.

(EXCLAIMING)

Come in.

You're really thinking
about selling, aren't you?

You know, I've been thinking
about selling for a long time.

The only reason I went along
with your disappearance scheme

was just to milk more money
out of Sir Harry.

Are you so stupid
you think I did it just
to increase circulation?

You still haven't
figured it out yet,
have you, sweetheart?

How long do you think
I'd let you threaten me

with selling my magazine
to that swine?

I've been thinking.

I've been thinking how
wonderful life would be
if you just disappeared.

Forever.

(BONES CRACK)

(ZIPPING)

GUARD: Good night,
Miss Hunter.
Good night.

REPORTER 1: How much did it
cost the tax payers to dig up
the chateau?

I don't know.
We haven't gotten...

REPORTER 2: Just round it off,
Chief. We don't need
an exact figure.

Is it true that tonight
Johnny Carson is doing
a skit on the LAPD?

What paper do
you work for?

Why, you looking
for a job?

Very funny.
Is it true the mayor
recommended you drop the case?

No, no, that's
not true at all. No.

What do you think the
chances are that Sean
will sue the city?

REPORTER 3: Yes,
that's a good question.

What?

She's disappeared again.

Again?

Again.

Okay.

Excuse us, folks. We've just
had a little, tiny emergency.

Nothing big,
nothing important.
We'll be right back.

(REPORTERS CHATTERING)

They found an abandoned car.
Sir Harry Matthews called.

She missed an
important meeting.
The woman has disappeared.

She is gone,
she is gone.

Listen, I don't want
to get burned again.

Whatever happens,
keep Columbo away
from that chateau.

He's not to go near
that place. Now, that's
an order, you hear?

That's an order.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hey.

Hey!

Slow down, man!

Morning.
Morning.

Columbo, Columbo.

COLUMBO: In here.

Thank God you're here.
Dian's missing again.

I called the police,
but I was concerned
they might send someone else.

Oh, that's nice to hear, sir.
Sir Harry Matthews
also called when

Miss Hunter didn't show up
at his office this morning
for that meeting.

Making me, once again,
the prime suspect, I suppose.

Oh, no, sir. I'm sure
you have a perfect alibi.

Thank God. I last saw Dian
just before I went out
for a shopping spree.

Well, Dian Hunter was logged
out of the main gate,

well, that would
have been just about
the time

you and all the girls were
on your shopping spree.

So you have a
perfect alibi again, sir.

I am impressed by your quick
grasp of the situation,
Lieutenant.

I was worried that
you might jump to
the wrong conclusion again

and accuse me of foul play.

Oh, you don't have
to worry about that, sir.

Even though I know that
the woman driving
Miss Hunter's car last night

was not Miss Hunter.

What?

It wasn't her.

This is a videotape of
the surveillance camera
at the front gate.

There is no doubt about it.
That is Dian.

Don't you see something
missing in that picture, sir?

SEAN: What's missing?

Where's her bracelet?
Like the bracelet that
matches yours, sir.

Where is it on
that picture?

She forgot to wear it.
She probably left it at home.

Well, why would
she do that, sir?

The last time she left,
she wore it all the way
to Europe.

Besides, I just checked
her jewelry box.
It's not there.

More importantly,
where is Dian?

Oh, you got me, sir.

The only thing we have
to go on is we found her car
in a tow-away zone,

oh, maybe four blocks
from where you and the girls
were shopping.

So, once again,
Dian's missing
and I'm suspect.

The only thing
I suspect, sir,

is that you and Dian
are setting me up to solve
another perfect crime

that never happened.

Columbo, do you think
Dian and I are capable
of such a diabolical scheme?

Oh, yes, sir,
I'm sure of it.

You two left a string
of false clues that really
had me convinced.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

There was
that terrific scene,

that emotional argument that
you and Miss Hunter played for
the benefit of her secretary,

knowing that it was being
recorded and that she
would overhear it

and want to tell
somebody about it.

There was the shot
in the alley.

I got that one wrong.

I thought the double fired
the shot into Miss Hunter.

But it was Miss Hunter that
fired the shot into the air,

so that they would hear it
in the kitchen.

And then we would find
your shell casing
in the alley.

And then there was that coffee
and cream thing Miss Hunter

did for the cameras
down at the airport.

That was a good clue.
But the real convincer...

That was those hairs that
you planted in the backseat.

That proved there had
to be a double

and that the body had to
be back here at the chateau.

Which, of course, it wasn't.
I told you that many times.

But you knew I would have to
bring in an army to search
a place this size.

I gotta hand it to you,
you did it all beautifully.

And I really believed it.

Of course, if I hadn't,
neither would the press,

and then you wouldn't
have gotten all those
headlines,

and a few million more people
to buy your magazine.

Which they did.

Which caused Sir Harry
to up his price,

which is why Miss Hunter,
quote "agreed to disappear."

She underestimated you,
didn't she, sir?

It never occurred to her that
you were setting her up to be
an accomplice

to her own murder.

I still don't know what
you're talking about.

The first time she disappeared
was all play-acting.

But this time,
you killed her, sir.

Why? Why would I do that?

To get control
of her magazine.

Your articles
of incorporation provide

that if either party is
incapacitated for
30 days or longer,

the other partner has
sole power of attorney.

So even if the body
is never found,

you've got control
of the magazine.

That's nonsense.

There's no point
in denying it, sir.

You killed her,
you hid the body,

you sent everybody
off on a shopping spree

so one of your Nymphs
could double as Dian
without being missed.

Probably that girl Tina,
who thinks you're
gonna marry her.

Okay, Columbo,
you think I killed her,

then you find the body.
Start digging.

Oh, no, sir. You know that
with all the bad publicity
the police department got,

you know I can't tear
this place apart again.

You've put me
in the position of the
little boy who cried wolf.

I gotta hand it to you.
You committed
the perfect crime.

There's no way I can
convince you you're wrong,
is there?

You know why you can't?

No, why?

You see that?

She's wearing Miss Hunter's
mink coat. Now see this.

Look at these
fur coats.
All in bags.

And the lady in
that convertible is wearing
Miss Hunter's coat.

But where's the
empty storage bag?

There's one missing.
Where is it?

I give up. Where is it?

You know that better
than anybody, sir.

The body's in
the storage bag

to keep it from smelling
when it decomposes.

Enough, Columbo.

I've had it with you, you and
your fantastic accusations.

Now, get the hell
out of here.

I'm sorry, sir.
I don't blame you
for being angry.

Before I go, sir,

do you mind if
I use your phone?

Go ahead.

(DIALING)

Don't worry, sir,
it's a local call.

Thank you, sir.
Sorry to bother you.

(PAGER BEEPING)

Did you hear that?

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(BEEPING CONTINUES)

When I didn't see
Miss Hunter's beeper

on whoever it was
who drove through
the main gate last night,

and I couldn't find it
in her jewelry box,

I figured you left it
on her body.

I got the number from
the mobile phone company.

And you just saw me
dial in my message.