Original subtitles

MUZAK PLAYS

Choke her to death, then.

What, like, with a pillow?

- Yeah. - Like, when she's asleep?

Or drown her in the bath.

Yeah, I'm going to.

You're 30p short.

- Well, you're going to have to put something back. - It's only 30p.

Yeah, and it's only cos our mam's disabled.

- Yeah, we're young carers. - Nobody cares about us.

In your own time.

- Pick that up. - Piss off, munter.

You can call us what you like,

but I'm not checking your food through until you pick that up.

Oh, get off, you fat old, twat.

- How's your ma this week? - Not great, ta.

Well, she's not going to be, is she?

Fucking hate that woman.

Fucking hate not knowing any one.

Fucking hate the ones I DO know.

- You've got me. - Yeah, but you're my fucking brother.

- Well, go out more then. - Yeah, like with who?

Also, who wants to go anywhere round here?

Anyway, I haven't got any clothes, have I?

- Buy some. - Yeah, like I can afford that.

- Well, I cannot, either. - Yeah, but you don't mind looking like shit.

- Fuck off! - Who are you telling to fuck off?

- Fuck-arse face. - You, arse fuck-face!

I'm not an arse fuck-face, you fuck-arse face!

- You fucking...! - That hurts,

that actually hurts! Get off!

Right. You're dead!

You're actually dead!

Come here!

- Started what? - It!

What's it when it's in bed?

I don't fucking know, do I?

- He started it. - Don't swear!

Well, don't piss yourself, then.

Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Started what, anyway?

SHE GIGGLES

You buggers!

Bollocks, Mum, can you keep hold?

- You'll fall and smash your skull, OK? - Aye, then you'll be sorry.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Don't look at me.

Whoa!

SHE SIGHS

URINE FLOWS

Evening.

- Hiya. - You inquired about a loan.

You filled in a form, you wanted a visit from a representative.

- That was my sister. - Is she in?

So, Kristen Taylor, no middle initial, age 17, occupation - carer,

loan amount £500, API subject to credit scoring, purpose of loan -

home improvements.

So there you have it. Don't make your mind up on the spot,

a loan's a serious commitment.

If you've got second thoughts, have them now, not later.

But you're not going to have second thoughts, are you?

- No chance. - So I put it up to head office for approval.

- You happy with that? - Coolio!

- I'll get back to you next week. - Yeah, good one.

- Hello. - Evening.

- Next week, then? - What day?

I'll let you know.

Take care.

- Yeah, and you. - Yeah, cheers, Liam.

TV ON

'I cannot guarantee... I CANNOT guarantee

'you'll ever get this price tag again, that's why I'm...'

Beep-beep. How much is your wingback, there? £10.

£10?

You can't have it.

- Oh, come on! - No, no, no.

You be careful.

Hi, again.

Hiya.

- Cold, yeah? - A bit, yeah.

Not if you've been swinging, mind.

Sorry?

That keeps you warm, doesn't it, swinging?

Yeah, it does, actually.

- Is that why you were doing it? - Nah, not really.

So did you hear about the loan?

Yeah, I told you, next week.

That's your mum, right?

- Yeah. - What's up with her?

How come she's in a wheelchair?

Loads, everything.

Did she have an accident?

Nah, she's just fucked.

- So it's just you and your brother? - We're twins.

- You don't look alike. - Perhaps I'm lying, then.

See you next week.

Yeah. See ya.

DISTANT SIRENS

Ey-up, mate - how's it going?

Not bad, ta, and you?

Yeah, I'm always good.

On your own?

Kris and Mum are waiting for the doctor.

She all right, your mum?

- Nah, not really. - Sorry, mate.

She's always got something new, it's how we get our excitement.

How's Kristen?

She's not bad, ta.

She going out with anyone?

Don't think so. Why?

Just genuine interest.

Tell you what, mate, fancy a beer sometime?

- You, Kris and me? - Just me and you.

A lads' night out.

Do you play pool?

- A bit, yeah. - Any good?

- Not bad. - How about tonight?

What's that pub round the back like?

- Metropolitan? - I've never been in.

Me neither. Fancy giving it a try?

Yeah, yeah. OK...

All right, laters.

Just wear anything. You're only going to a pub.

How many pubs have you been in lately?

Everybody goes into pubs.

We don't.

Look, he wanted to ask you.

He only asked me cos he thought you were looking after Mum.

I couldn't say no, could I?

I'll ask him back here after. How's that?

If you want. I don't care.

Right, what you having? Bitter, lager, Guinness, cider?

- Cider. - Can I get a Guinness and a cider, please?

See that, eh? Learning from the master, here.

Right, now this one.

What the fuck!

Oh, I'm sorry...

- All right, all right. - Come here!

He's inexperienced, that's all. Here you are.

Get yourself a round in.

Chill out, mate. Yeah? Go on.

- Fancy coming into town? - Yeah, if you want.

Or you could come back to ours and see our Kris.

I fancy town first, to be honest.

Just need to check my e-mails. You coming in?

Come on, you might as well.

Nice, innit? Go on, mate, get yourself a drink in the fridge.

We'll have vodka.

Shot glasses are in that cupboard there, middle shelf.

Nice one.

Cheers.

Can I ask you something, mate?

Yeah, course.

Are you gay? Here you are.

Cheers.

No.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

- Why, are you? - Me?

Nah, nah.

How about you?

I just told you.

As long as you're happy, mate. That's what matters.

I wouldn't judge anyone that was.

Nor me.

It's the 21st century, for fuck's sake.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

It wouldn't be my choice, mind.

Nah.

So what do you fancy in town?

Club, pub, bar, restaurant, what?

Tell you what. Do you fancy a laugh?

- OK, why not? - Yeah?

- You want a laugh? You fancy a laugh? You mean it? - Yeah, go on, then.

- Go on, then. Hold that. Here you are. Follow me. - Yeah!

Give us that. You sit down there.

Stay there.

Eh, eh?

Right, just leave that there.

Number two...

Hey?

HE GIGGLES

Right.

Go on, then.

Have a try, it'll be a laugh.

- Sorry, how do you mean? - Try them on.

- No! - Go on, it'll be a laugh.

You said you wanted a laugh, didn't you?

- Well, yeah... - Yeah.

You said you wouldn't judge anyone

and here you are judging yourself and you haven't even tried.

Have you ever worn Kristen's clothes?

A couple of times when I was a kid and she wore mine, but that's not...

There you go. It's just harmless fun.

Go on, get that down you. Go on.

Right.

All designer labels, top brands and that, look.

Eh? Designer.

Eh?

You know, but...

If it's a problem, we'll just leave it, shall we?

Shall we just leave it?

Shall we?

Just for a laugh, yeah?

Yeah, that's it, mate.

It's just a laugh.

Ah, there you go.

- Does it look good? - It's a thing of beauty, lad.

- Right. - Bit more. - Little bit more, right.

- You want some of this? - Yeah. - Hmm?

Right, lipstick, here you go.

Which one? Which colour?

- Yeah. - That one? - Yeah, yeah.

It was that one, wasn't it?

I've got two choices, I bought two especially.

I've got this one, which, personally,

I think this is the best, but you've got this one as well,

- which is a bit glittery. - That one, that's lovely.

Oh, get your balance!

You'll have to get used to walking in those, eh?

Right, are you ready? The moment of truth.

- Yeah. - You ready?

- Yeah, yeah. - Go on, have a look.

Eh? What do you think?

Right, right.

Right.

Town, yeah?

No... No way!

Evening.

Hey! Leave me, you bastard!

Get 'ere!

Woo-woo!

Love it!

HE LAUGHS

Never had you down for a slapper!

You hungry, babe? Yeah?

- A bit. - Hey, look at that.

They clocked you as well!

All right, babe, you're quality.

Too good for a kebab.

I'm not getting out here, no way.

(Oh, you bastard.)

Come on.

HEELS CLATTER

May I take your coat?

Yes, certainly.

Thank you very much.

- Here we go. - Thank you.

Thank you.

- Cheers. - May I get you something to drink?

- Yeah, we'll have champagne, please, thank you. - No problem.

Thanks.

- Would you like to order? - We'll order later, thanks.

- Certainly. - Thank you.

You know what, babe?

You are the most beautiful woman in this restaurant.

And I'm proud to be sat with you.

Cheers.

Were that a laugh, or what?

Oh...

So what do you fancy - tea, coffee?

Vodka, lager, Coke, spliff?

I ought to get back, actually.

Go on, then.

You better get changed first.

Hey...

I've wanted this as long as I can remember.

It could never be real until I met you.

Fuck knows why. It's just one of those things.

We both knew, eh?

Yeah...

Yeah.

Go on, then, get changed.

- Cheers, then. - Yeah.

See ya.

DOOR CLOSES

Hiya.

Oh, right.

Sorry.

- He wanted to come back, but he's got an early start. - It doesn't matter.

So, did you pull loads of birds?

- No. - You pulled one, though.

You stink of perfume!

Bet she was a right munter.

Did Liam pull an' all?

No, not really.

Oh, you stink of booze and weed.

How pissed ARE you?

So...what was he like outside of work,

what kind of clothes did he wear?

Just clothes, I can't remember.

Where did you go after the Metropolitan?

Places, I can't remember.

Bollocks you can!

Oh, the fucking room is spinning round.

BELL CHIMES

CAR ALARM IN DISTANCE

- I'm back in a bit, yeah? - Where are you going?

Out. I'm back in a bit, OK?

But we're going to the park, aren't we?

Yeah, I'll... I'll catch you up.

Er, Owen...!

Laters.

No second thoughts, then?

- Yeah. - But you still came.

Yeah. Got a problem with that?

Not in the fucking least.

Right, where to? You name it.

Out.

Don't mind.

Same deal as last night, you cool with that?

Yeah, fuck it.

Faster!

Whoa!

Woo!

It's coming off, it's coming off, it's coming off!

Mind if I join you?

I'm with my boyfriend.

No harm done, eh?

Get that down you.

I think I just pulled.

Bound to, a babe like you.

I said you were my boyfriend.

I am. Didn't you know?

Right, where to?

Helter-skelter? Big dipper?

- Merry-go-round? - I need the toilet, actually.

Go for it.

Yeah, right, and get arrested?

You can't use the gents, can you? Eh?

Go on. Just don't forget to sit down.

- All right, mate, how you doing? - Ah!

Oh! There's a queue, you know.

Look, I'm a bit sick of this, to be honest.

Fuck you are, you're loving it.

Look. Let's immortalise the moment.

Come on.

Come on!

Come on! Woo!

Thank you. You're just very smart there... Lovely!

That's lovely.

Very smart indeed.

And the lady...

Oh, that's beautiful. The button looks a little bit tight there.

And the skirt...

Lovely. That's...

If you don't mind me saying so, sir,

your face would frighten a fly off a fresh turd.

Hands off, you deviant, old fucker.

- Sorry, sorry. - Just take the fucking picture.

Thank you, thank you.

Could I have your names, please?

Liam and Kristen.

Is that a K, sir?

K-R-I-S-T-E-N.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you.

Sorry about that, babe.

Spur of the moment. You know how it is.

Liam, you're weirding me. Can we go home, please?

- Chick, chick, chicken! - Yes, actually.

All right, princess, anything you say.

PHONE BEEPS

Mum's been a pain in the arse all day.

She's a pain in the arse every day.

She was the worst fucking pain in the fucking arse today.

- You should have been here. - I'm sorry.

You better be.

I am.

OK.

I believe you.

Maybe.

PHONE BEEPS

Won't happen again, anyhow. I've had enough of the bird, she's mental.

Did you shag her?

- No. - Did you snog her?

- A bit, yeah. - Is she a good snogger or a bad snogger?

Not bad.

Too much fucking trouble, birds.

PHONE BEEPS

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hiya!

I've got some news about the loan.

- You're approved. - Great!

- Cheers. - Don't thank me.

Credit scoring's a science.

Do you want to come in?

Are you asking?

Only...don't tell Mum about the loan.

She doesn't know about it and I don't want to worry her.

Whatever you say.

Who fancies a chocolate, hmm?

Owen. Owen, pass the chocolates.

I don't eat chocolates.

I keep fit. Yeah.

I can make an exception.

- What's best? - Depends what you fancy, doesn't it?

Yeah, yeah.

Sucker for a bit of packaging, me.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Very nice.

- See what I'm missing. - So are you busy then, Liam?

I can't complain, you know.

What is it exactly that you do?

Financial services.

Oh, I bet that is dead interesting.

Yeah, it is, it's fascinating, yeah.

Yeah.

I'd love to stay, only, er...I best get off.

Right, nice to meet you.

See you.

Sorry about Mum, by the way.

Come back later, if you want.

The loan's shit by the way. You don't want it.

It would be fucking you over.

Trust me.

Go on. Here.

It's not a loan, it's a gift.

All the best. Have a nice life.

What a charming young man.

Yeah, well that's the last we're going to be seeing of him.

Kris, what's this about?

Is that what he said, he's not coming back?

Sounded like it to me.

Ground rules - if you're going to fuck me around, fuck off.

I don't know what I want. I just want to talk to you.

What it comes down to is passion, love.

No ifs, no buts.

- Don't be scared of yourself. - God, you're doing my nut!

Unconditional love.

That's what I'm putting on the table here. Or fuck off and we never see each other again.

Indecision's for losers.

I'm offering you the whole of me. I'm asking for the same in return.

Hey.

We're going to fucking live, us two.

- OK. - Louder.

Yes.

What are you doing? I don't snog boys.

I'm not deviant. Get changed first.

TAPS AT DOOR

What are you doing?

TAPPING

Liam!

You going to be all day in there, or what?

What?

Wig.

OK.

Fuck, I love you.

Fuck, I do.

Don't ever do that to me again...

..OK?

Come on, babe, I've got something to show you.

Not yet. Hold my hand.

What are you doing?!

Don't trip.

THEY LAUGH

- Right, you ready? - Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Eh?

That's us.

Me and you.

You and me.

Quality or what?

Can I think about that?

We had this game at school, right.

We'd find a soft kid and we'd go, "Oi, mate, are you a virgin?"

And he'd go, "No, no, no way".

And we'd go, "Oh, that's disgusting!"

Where would you locate your own experience on that scale?

Yeah, I am.

We'll never do anything that you're not 110% cool with.

I'd fucking die for you.

Mum?

Mum?

Mum?

Mum! Mum!

MUM! MUM!

Oh, don't die on me, you stupid old cow!

Mum!

- Are you all right? - Yeah.

PANTING, SIGHS

HE SIGHS

If you ever feel unloved... or frightened...

..just remember that there's someone here who loves you.

Kris, it's me, are you picking up, or what?

OK, so listen.

I'm stopping at a mate's.

We got wrecked, to be honest.

I'll see you in the morning, yeah?

If I don't do 200 every night...

..I haven't achieved in the day.

It's all about ground rules.

Phew, phew.

You achieve something every day of your fucking life.

Fuck me, we achieved tonight, eh?

How's your sense of achievement, babe?

Yeah, pretty good, ta.

CAR ALARM WAILS

DOOR CLOSES

Hello?

Mam?

- Don't worry. She's only had another heart attack. - Shit! Is she OK?

Course she fucking isn't. I thought she was going to die!

She went blue!

- So where were you? - At a mate's, I left a message.

We were just getting her in the ambulance when you called.

Anyway, what mate?

You haven't GOT any mates.

Except Liam, I suppose.

Nah, it wasn't him.

Kris, I'm sorry, OK?

Yeah, you're always sorry.

But it's just words, isn't it?

Why are you wearing mascara?

Bird's a goth. She got me to try it.

Mum's shit scared.

She was crying when they brought her round. She's never been this bad.

She go bluer than last time?

Oh, fuck off, Owen.

I needed you and so did Mum.

I'm sorry.

No, it's not good enough.

You have a turn, see how you feel.

Hiya, mate.

How long have you been here?

Couple of hours.

Just watching you.

I bet you're sick of hospital food.

Eat it tomorrow if you're not hungry.

And go back to sleep. You look fucked.

You know what?

I'm going to get your extensions done...

..just till your own hair grows.

You can get your lashes done at the same time.

Liam, I can't.

There's no such word.

It don't exist.

Let me ask you a question. What do you think life is?

- I don't know. - No, go on, I want to know.

What do you believe in? What do you reckon we're here for?

- Lots of things. - Yeah?

How about love?

- Yeah. - How about risk?

- How about achievement? - OK.

You're not very passionate, are you, babe?

- Yes, actually. - Go on, then.

What would you do for love? I want you to move in.

- Liam, I can't. - Can't, won't!

More fucking negativity bollocks!

Look, erm...

People aren't brought up positive.

That's why the world's full of losers.

You've got to learn it.

You've got to train yourself.

Well, look at me. Look at me!

Look at this place.

Look at my car.

Look at my suits. Living the dream.

OUR dream.

Move in, babe.

LOCK BLEEPS

LOCK BLEEPS

BLEEPS

Hiya.

Liam, hiya.

What are you doing?

This is what I bought with the money you gave me.

What do you reckon?

Like it, or what?

Er, Liam...?

Liam!

CAR BLEEPS

Liam, are you fucking blind or what?

Are you all right, love?

- Oh, fuck off. - Charming.

HE SNIFFS

Oh, love.

I'll be fine.

I'm not crying about you.

Cheers(!)

You little bastard.

- Aww. - I think I made a big mistake.

About?

It doesn't matter.

No, obviously(!)

If I knew that I would end up like this,

I'd have done plenty more loving first.

I avoided life.

I didn't take the risks I should have done.

Now, look, eh? Hmm?

I've got to let you two go.

That's all I've thought about since I realised I wasn't going to peg it.

Bollocks, you stupid, old cow.

That's good. Come here. Stick them up.

Put them up.

(Love you.)

Yeah, I love you, too.

What?

I was just worried about you. The way you were last night.

Yeah, well, I'm good.

As you see. Cheers, then.

But it was like you didn't even see me.

Yeah, well, obviously I didn't, then.

Anyway, how do you know where I live?

Cos, like, you told me.

No, I fucking didn't.

OK. I'll...

I'll see you around.

I'm really sorry, but I really need the toilet.

Do you mind? Cheers, Liam, you're a mate.

Give us my shirt.

MUFFLED VOICES

Fucking tart.

Who's that in the picture with you?

Just an old girlfriend.

- Called Kristen? - Yeah, small world.

So, you've had your piss. That's good. Now, fuck off, please.

- It looks like Owen. - No, it doesn't.

I think I know what my twin brother looks...

You have no fucking idea about Kristen.

You have never met her and you never will.

Do I make myself clear?

So, you didn't need a piss at all, did you? Get the fuck out!

I had to do something to protect you.

You don't talk to my sister like that.

A bit of you was inappropriate.

Get off!

I love you so fucking much.

Besides...

..do you reckon you can face Kristen now?

No chance. You're going to have to move in now, aren't you?

Some things are just meant to be.

And this is one of them.

It's my fault she had the address.

I wrote it down.

You know what that means, don't you?

You wanted to get caught.

You wanted fate to make the decision for you.

That's kismet.

I don't believe in that shit.

What do YOU want?

That is so sick, calling yourself Kristen.

I didn't. Liam did.

Yeah, I really believe that.

- So, you want to be a girl? - No!

Could have fooled me.

- But you are - gay? No!

Oh, fuck, I don't know.

- I feel shit about everything right now. - Yeah, good one, Owen.

Sorry, "Kristen".

So, you saw I fancied Liam.

I'd actually met someone that didn't have two heads,

who was interested in me and,

despite not being gay and not wanting to be a girl,

you just happened to turn yourself into me and shag him!

Mum's doing fine, by the way!

She can probably come home soon.

I hate myself, mate.

All right? Look, I've got anger issues.

All right? I admit it.

There's reasons.

Look, I love ya.

I fucking love ya.

I really, really love ya.

My school.

See? Know what it taught me?

Nothing. Except it's every bastard for himself.

I'll tell you what...

Seeing as we're here - strictly spur of the moment -

fancy meeting my mum and dad?

Oh, I'm not sure about that.

It's only round the corner. Come on, I'll show you.

Another time, yeah?

This is my street.

Little park.

That's my house coming up at the bottom.

That's my mum. That's my dad.

Can't let them down now. They've cooked dinner and everything.

I've told them all about ya.

Hey. Nothing like roast dinner.

Hm!

I've always worried Liam might not find anyone.

I know this is a mother talking, but...he's handsome.

He wears lovely clothes.

And he does well at his job.

But he's always been on his own.

You're a boy, aren't you, love?

Yeah, I am.

Well, just care for him as much as he cares for you.

That's all I'm asking.

Don't hurt him.

FOOTBALL COMMENTARY

'Mortimer.

'Mortimer off-loads to Fowler.

'Good tackling action, good tackling.

'Wallace waits.

'Fine take by Ryan.

'He's such a strong lad.'

- They loved you. - No, they thought I was a bloke.

Bollocks. Marry me.

- What? - Go on, it'll be a laugh.

No!

Fine.

Let's go to the seaside, then.

Look, you're overreacting, babe.

All right? My dad said you were attractive. You telling me he's gay?

They'll come round when the wedding invites go out.

They'll be losing a son, but gaining a daughter.

Fuck!

My dad's a right asshole, by the way, he'd beat the shit out of

any fucker that weren't a better man than he was.

And now he eats roast lamb and grows cunting vegetables!

He's 60 years old and understands nothing.

I despise the twat.

I'm glad my mum liked you, though. Eh?

So, where do you fancy?

Whitley Bay?

South Shields? Seaburn, Saltburn, Redcar?

- You've got the world at your feet here. - I need to see how Mam is.

She's all right, your mum, you know.

She knows her chocolates, I'll say that for her.

She's had a fucking heart attack, Liam.

Oh, they can do wonders nowadays.

To be fair, the chocs weren't exactly helping, were they, eh?

HE LAUGHS

Right, where do you fancy?

Eh?

- Answer me! - I'm not going anywhere!

I'm not going to marry you! I'm sick of being Kristen!

It is NOT real!

And I think you need some help.

What, like therapy?

What, because I love you?

Right.

Right.

I'll tell you what, babe...

..I'm not the one with the fucking problem here.

ENGINE ROARS

Kris, it's me. Listen...

'Fuck off, you don't exist!'

Still want to get out?

Go on. Be my guest.

Take your clothes off.

Everything, you fucking freak.

Liam, I'm sorry.

- I don't want to hurt you, I just... - Tell me you're a freak.

Tell me you're a freak.

- Tell me you're a freak. - I'm a freak.

You disgust me. You don't know what the fuck you are, do you?

- Yes, actually. - Well, I really don't think that's true,

cos how come you told my mum that you were a boy?

Now, that really is fucking sick!

Anyone can see that you're not.

Take your fucking clothes off!

Take them off!

HE SOBS

Ever heard of a Ben Franklin balance sheet?

Works like this.

You take a piece of paper, you make two columns.

On one side of that are all the reasons for doing a thing,

on the other side, all the reasons for not.

Simple as. The bag on my left is Kristin.

The bag on my right, Owen.

I forgot the paper, but fuck that.

The left-hand column, unconditional love, money, the ride of your life.

The right-hand column...

You fucking tell me.

Redcar it is, then.

Oh, I'm sorry, we're full up.

There's only the bridal suite free.

- Bull's-eye. As it happens, we've just got married. - Ahh!

Yeah, in fact, we're on our honeymoon.

Well, in that case, welcome to the Belgique.

I'm Hutch, mine host.

Joyce will be down directly.

You're lucky. We only got the cancellation this morning.

And congratulations to you both!

- Hey, that's what they call timing. - Yes!

Right... This way, please.

'Ere we are.

Shazam!

Grand, eh?

Oh, and here's Joyce.

Hello! Now, I hope it's comfy for you.

I've put a few Mills and Boon by the bed.

I always do when we've got a lady staying.

Be happy!

Eh? Kismet, babe.

Is someone trying to tell us something, or what?

KNOCK AT DOOR

Only me.

Ta-da!

Thanks, pet. And anything else you want, we're only too glad to oblige.

Cheers, Hutch.

Catch.

Right, let's neck this cheap shit.

Oh, piss.

Spoil me.

I wish.

Think pink.

You hungry, babe?

Wouldn't mind.

I wouldn't mind, either.

Hiya, I want the best pizzas in Redcar, please.

Yeah, put me through, mate.

Cheers.

I'm getting put through.

Hello? Hello?

Hiya. I want two fuck-off deep...

Two deep pan pepperonis and a load of garlic bread...

delivered to the Belgique hotel.

It's the bridal suite, though.

You've got to make sure you ask for the bridal suite.

Bye. Bye-bye.

On its way.

Two pizzas.

I've got a head rush.

So...

..the wedding...

I mean, look at it like this, who's going to find out?

How many weddings have you been to where they lift up the bride's dress

to check if she's got a nob?!

None! All you've got to do is sign Kristen's name and then

when she goes to get married, she'll get done for bigamy.

- I - thought that were funny.

How many kids do you want?

I reckon three.

Two boys and a girl.

You want a girl for company.

We'll have to adopt, of course.

Then when they're old enough,

we'll tell them you've got something wrong with your giblets!

Oh, come on, babe.

It's only a laugh.

I'm only having a laugh, don't take it so seriously.

Why you taking it so seriously?

We'll have to book a church, though.

And hymns... What hymns do you like?

Hmm?

Hmm.

It's the bride's day after all, isn't it?

Liam...

I'm not marrying you.

You know, like you say, it's only a laugh.

- Oh, fuck! - Ho-fucking-ho-ho.

- It's not a fucking laugh to me! - Get off!

It's not a fucking laugh.

Fuck me!

- Fuck! - Ho...ho...ho.

- Ah! - Put that back on.

Put that back on.

Fuck!

Right, stop it. STOP IT!

Shut up!

Shut up.

Right?

It's not about YOU, Kristen.

My darling Kristen, it's not about you.

OK?

You are 110% perfect...

..whereas Owen has been fucking your head for years.

He's been fucking your head for years.

He's been fucking your head for years!

- And I'm going to get rid of him. - No!

Shut up! Shut up!

I'm going to get rid of him.

I'm going to cure you of this sickness.

I'm going to rid you of the fucking sic...

Ahh! Fuck!

- Fuck! - I'm going to fucking kill him.

Fuck!

You forgot your fucking wig.

HE SOBS

Oh, come back!

It's our honeymoon.

KNOCKING

There you are.

You could always have asked for a sandwich earlier, or a salad.

Joyce would have made you a salad.

Yeah, I know. That's what I said,

only she wouldn't take no for an answer!

You know what these women are like, never satisfied, eh?

HE LAUGHS

Mmm!

Pizza!

You needn't have done that. He's nice.

Do you fancy him?

Of course I don't.

I despise him.

I despise all shite people.

KNOCKS

Don't you want any pizza, then?

Please, don't, just give me some pizza, OK?

Look.

Forgot the drinks. Sorry, babe.

Forgive me!

What do you fancy?

Hmm?

Coke?

Diet Coke? Carbonated mineral water?

Still mineral water?

7Up? Tango?

Irn-Bru? Sprite?

Dr Pepper?

Dandelion and burdock?

- Liam, stop it, please. - Stop what?

I'm offering you a fucking drink.

Obviously my mistake.

Red wine?

White wine? Malibu?

Pink Lady? Vodka and lime?

Vodka on the rocks?

Gin and tonic? Bacardi Breezer?

Shut the fuck up, all right?

You shit yourself at the contents of a fucking off-licence.

You forgot your garlic bread.

Your garlic bread.

It's yours.

You omitted to take the fucker.

- Morning. - Hello.

- How can I help you? - We're getting married. This afternoon.

We'd like a wedding dress, please.

- No, we wouldn't. - Size 12, expense no object, as frilly as possible.

She's the finest looking women you've ever set eyes on, eh?

Sorry about this.

Well, come on, then. Let's get a move on. We haven't got all day.

She's up the duff, you know.

Eh?

Look at this one.

Look at that, eh?

Let's have a look.

Look at that, eh?

Hm?

You know what?

I'm not in Redcar, I'm in heaven.

That one is £995.

We'll take this.

Fucking hell, babe. Just put it on, yeah?

Just let me see it on you once.

Please?

(Please?)

Right...

Um...

Well, er...

So you off, then?

Go on, then. Go on, get yourself off.

I've got stuff to do and...

I've got stuff to do.

Are you getting the train?

I can give you a lift, but...

We're going to leave it. We're going to leave it today, but we'll...

..get back to you.

I wish you could have just tried it on once.

Sorry about this.

No, you're all right. You get off, love.

Do you know what?

You know what?

I reckon it was just too much, too soon.

D'ya reckon?

Look, can you get him a cup of tea or something?

I love you. I love you. I love you.

(I love you.

(I love you.)

HE SOBS

KNOCK AT DOOR

Let us in, lovey.

We're worried about you.

DOOR OPENS

Sorry about this.

Oh, it's all right, pet.

You're all right.

Now, whatever it is, you're all right with Hutch and Joyce.

There's worse things happen at sea.

Come on, let it all out now. Let it all out.

How old are you, pet?

I'm 17.

I'm sorry about this.

SEAGULLS CRY

MUSIC: Fragile by Frankie & The Heartstrings