Original subtitles

[All moaning]

- Oh... - Mmm, mmm.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, god!

[All moaning]

- I don't know who this new chef is,

but his burgers are better than sex.

- Plus, after you're done,

there's no cuddling, no spooning.

It's just gone.

- Well, I'm done.

Ugh.

I should've stopped when my pants button

popped off.

Now this little lady's gotta waddle on home.

Oh--um--ooh--

- hey, Stuart, would you pass the mustard?

- Mustard?

Seriously?

I feel like an accessory to culinary murder.

- And the ketchup.

- Okay, this is an abomination. - All right.

Look, look, look. Less talk, more squeeze bottles.

- Fine, but what you're doing to this burger

is totally disrespectful--

ooh! - Hey, man! Wha--

- I'm sorry! Sorry!

- What the hell are you doing?

- I-I thought she was a ketchup bottle.

- What?

You think this is funny?

- We got a problem here, man?

- Yeah, I got a problem with this guy

groping my girlfriend.

- Look, it was a complete accident, okay?

I didn't mean to upset you or your date.

I'll tell you what. Let me take care of your dinner.

- I got a better idea.

Why don't you get the hell out of here?

- You know what?

How about you and I take this outside?

Just let me finish my burger.

- Phil, you know what? It's--it's fine.

It's fine. I-I was-- I was done anyway.

You know what? I'm just gonna take off.

- Yeah, you do that.

And if I ever see you in this bar again,

I'm gonna kick your ass!

Oh, you want a piece of me?

- No, just the ketchup.

[Upbeat music]

?

- Morning.

Sorry I'm late, but I have a good excuse.

- I don't want to hear it.

- [Singsong] Okay, but it's awesome.

- Get back here and spill.

- All right, so last night I was at club shelter

and I met this incredibly sexy french guy.

- Ooh, sexy french guy!

- His name is Tristan.

He had a limo waiting,

and he whisked me off to dinner at per se.

- Ooh, "whisked."

- We went back to his suite,

and this morning, on the nightstand

he left me this bracelet.

- Ooh.

What?

- [Whispers] I know.

It's got diamonds and sapphires. - No, no, no.

Eden, you realize you're gonna have to give that back.

- Pfft! [Laughs]

That's funny.

It sounded like you said, "give it back."

- Eden, you had sex with a man,

and he gave you something in return.

There's a word for that.

- Yes. Generous.

You know what?

You just don't understand european men.

- Oh, please.

I'm no stranger to the european male.

- Oh, really? When's the last time

you went out with a european guy?

- Okay, how about that doctor

I went to the opera with?

- He was from connecticut.

- All I know is he had an accent.

- It was a speech impediment.

- So wobert wasn't wussian?

You can convince yourself all you want

that everything's above board,

but this whole thing reeks of sleaze--reeks!

- And this bracelet is loaded with diamonds--loaded!

- Eden...

- You know what?

I'm going out with Tristan again tonight.

Why don't you meet us for drinks and you can see for yourself

how everything is on the up and up.

- All right, I will.

There's nothing I love more than to be proved wrong.

- Uh, that is not true.

- It's 'cause I never am.

- Oh. Yep! There he is.

Come on, buddy.

Let's go down to the bar and do some burger damage.

- You know what? You guys go ahead.

I'm a little burgered out.

- Burgered out?

You made them your profile picture on facebook.

- Yeah, I know.

I guess--I guess I'm just bored with them.

I mean, really, when you take away the fancy garnish,

they're rather pedestrian.

- You shut your mouth!

Those burgers have done nothing but bring us pleasure.

- This wouldn't have anything to do with

the dude at the bar last night, would it?

- What dude?

- You know, red haired guy about that tall,

made you look about that tall.

- That fellow?

No, I haven't even given him a second thought.

- Okay, because you know,

if you're worried about that guy,

you don't have to be. I got your back.

- And if he gets through Phil,

he's gonna have to deal with this hombre.

And I'm a biter.

- Guys, guys. Believe me.

If I wanted to go down to the bar

and have a burger, I would.

I'm just not in the mood.

It has nothing to do with that mindless hooligan.

- Right, but last night,

you did kind of run out of there.

- [Chuckles] No. I did nothing of the sort.

I left of my own volition.

- Of course you did.

Like a brave matador who turns his back

on a bull to show his fearlessness.

- Thank you.

- And then wets himself and runs to his mommy.

- Okay, Tristan's gonna be here any minute.

Just promise you won't embarrass me.

- Eden, when was the last time I embarrassed you?

- Uh, 30 seconds ago when you tucked my boobs back in.

- Yeah, well, you were one sneeze away

from a nip slip.

I just don't want this guy thinking

you're something you're not.

- You know what? You're overreacting, all right?

Tristan is a charming, sophisticated man

who enjoys spending time with me.

- We'll see.

I got a nose for trouble, Eden.

It's gonna take a lot more than charm

and a french accent to get past this ol' sniffer.

- There he is.

Hey, Tristan. Over here.

- Oh. - [Giggles]

Adorable, right?

- Eden... [Speaking french]

- [Laughs]

- [Speaking french]

- Merci.

Tristan, I'd like you to meet my friend, Holly.

- Bon soir, Holly. - 'Sup?

- [Chuckles]

- Look, I'm wearing the beautiful bracelet

you gave me.

- A beautiful bracelet for a beautiful woman.

- Ugh.

Yes, it was very, very generous of you.

But, you know, sometimes with gifts like that

comes implied expectations.

Tell me, Tristan, was there such expectation?

- My only expectation is the smile on her face,

the sparkle in her eyes,

and the joy in her heart. [Laughs]

- You got an answer for everything, don't you?

- Oh, Jean Luc... [Speaking french]

- Oh. Who's that?

- Since you were bringing a friend,

I thought I would too.

Jean Luc, this is Eden... - Hi.

- And her charming friend, Holly.

- Charming and beautiful.

- Oh, well.

- Bon soir, Holly.

- Hi, there.

[Speaking french]

- You speak french.

- That was french?

- Ah, yes, I studied it in high school.

Mademoiselle plotkin said I had a real ear for it.

- [Laughs] You are delightful.

- Well, I'm not even trying.

- I got a limo waiting outside.

- [French accent] A limo?

- Why don't we have dinner

at le bernardin... - Ooh.

- And afterwards go dancing at cielo?

- C'est bon? - Sounds bon to me.

Holly?

- What do you say, ma cherie?

- [Stumbling in bad french]

- Speak english.

- Let's get this party started!

- Oh. [Giggles]

- Lana, two truffle burgers, please.

I don't know about you,

but my taste buds are rock hard,

- well, mine only have a semi,

but I'm a notoriously slow starter.

- [Whispers] Excuse me.

I put in an order to go

for Stuart gardner.

- [Yells] Order for Stuart gardner ready?

Yeah, this guy!

- Check it out, there's Stuart.

I knew he was afraid to come back here.

- Looks like a kid someone's promised

to hit a home run for.

- Here you go. Thanks. Keep the change.

Okay. - Thanks, man!

- Hey.

Look who's here.

- Hello, again.

If you'll excuse me, I was just leaving.

- So what part of "don't ever come back

or I'll kick your ass"

didn't you understand?

- Well, we didn't discuss takeout situations,

so technically, we're in a gray area.

- That's a good point, so let's clear that up.

Get out.

- Look, we're both adults. I mean--

- now.

- That's it, I'm gonna go take care of this guy.

- No, no, no.

The boy has to learn to fight his own battles.

Besides, the food's here.

- Good morning.

- Yes, I'm late.

I'm gloriously late.

Last night was magnifique!

- Mine was magni-freakin' amazing, too!

So, what happened after you and Jean Luc left us?

- Well, he whisked me off to three more clubs.

- Ooh, you were whisked.

- I was whisked.

And then we went back to his suite

at the pierre,

and we whisked until the sun came up.

- Oh, my god. Is that a diamond necklace?

- Ah, yes.

Jean Luc left it for me on the nightstand,

like french gentlemen do.

- Really?

Aren't you afraid there might be

some "implied expectation"?

- I owe you an apology, Eden.

I have been a provincial fool.

I mean, european men know how to treat women,

not like these american boobs.

- I know.

This morning, I got a visit from the earrings fairy.

- [Gasps]

Ooh, next time, I want those.

- Yeah.

[Cell phone rings]

- [Gasps] It's Jean Luc.

Bonjour, mon cheri.

[Cell phone rings]

- Hey, Tristan.

- What? - Yeah.

- Oh, my god. - Yes?

- Really? - I'll see you tonight.

- I'd love to. - Okay, bye.

- Au revoir.

They're flying us to St. Barts.

- On their private jet!

- First, we were whisked.

Now we're being winged.

[Speaking french]

[Laughter]

- Hey, buddy. How--how was your day?

- So, uh, that a new shirt?

You look good in yellow.

Or, uh, well...

It's more of a canary.

A...A "brave canary."

- All right.

I'm guessing you saw what happened last night

at the bar.

- Yeah, we kind of did.

Stuart, you can't let that guy push you around like that.

You got to stand up for yourself.

- I'm sorry. I don't believe in violence.

It's uncivilized and barbaric.

There are no winners.

- Yeah, there are.

The guy standing over the guy bleeding is the winner.

- Well, I disagree.

And if you think that makes me a coward,

then go ahead, call me a coward.

- No, no, no. I won't.

And I know you can't make me.

- No, Stuart, we didn't mean to get in your business.

We'll-- we'll leave you alone.

- It was the summer of fourth grade.

I was at the park pool, and I had just gotten flippers

and a mask for my birthday.

I was so excited to use them.

And that little thug, Billy Neff,

came and snatched them away from me.

I said, "billy, this is unconscionable."

He just told me to beat it and never come back.

And I was so angry.

[Sighs]

I was too scared to do anything, so I just ran,

and I guess I've been running ever since.

- Well, maybe it's time you stopped running.

- Yeah, you got to step up and face that guy at the bar.

- I would, I would, except for one thing.

He'll kick the crap out of me.

- No, no, he won't

because I'm gonna teach you how to fight.

- Nah, the hell with that.

I'm gonna teach you how to win.

The number one rule is you never fight fair.

You never fight square. You gotta take him out first.

You gotta take him out fast.

- Okay. How do I do that?

Right hook? Haymaker?

- A handful of sand to the face.

I call that move the "dust storm."

It's gotten me out of many a scrape.

- Where the hell are you supposed

to find sand in a bar?

- You bring it with you, you idiot.

[Laughs]

I never leave home without a pocketful.

Where do you think my swagger comes from?

- Forget the sand. Forget the sand.

I'm gonna teach you how to fight like a real man.

The goal is protect the pretty at all costs.

- Well, I certainly want to protect my pretty.

- All right, well, you do it right,

you won't even have to throw a punch, Stuart.

It's all about the attitude...

And the crazy eyes.

[Shouting] Oh, we got a problem?

We got a problem?

Oh, we got a problem now?

Oh, you want some of this? You want some of this?

- Wow.

Well, that is intimidating.

- Mm-hmm.

- That was a joke.

- [Shouts] Oh, I'm a joke, huh?

You calling me a joke?

Oh, you want some of this?

You want some of this?

- Dust storm! - Aah!

[Shrieking]

- Look at this place.

Holy balls, we've arrived.

- Welcome aboard.

Jean Luc and Tristan are awaiting your arrival

in St. Barts.

I'm clayton,

here to see to your every need.

- Well, clayton, I need champagne,

a steak, a lobster, more champagne,

another steak-- - okay, Eden.

You'll have to excuse my friend.

She's not used to flying private.

When do we get the peanuts?

- Right after the caviar.

Both: Ah.

- Please have a seat. - Thank you.

- Tristan and Jean Luc think of everything.

- Mimosas?

- [English accent] Mimo-certainly.

- [Laughs] Thank you, clayton.

To us. - To us.

[Glasses clink]

- Eden, this is the life we were meant to be leading.

And do you know why?

- Because we are two special ladies.

- Exactement. - [Giggles]

- We'll be taking off as soon as the other girls get here.

- What other girls?

[Girls giggling]

- Oh, my god. I can't wait.

- [Sighs]

- Who are they?

- Maybe they're relatives.

I hear french families are very close.

- Uh, hello-- oh, certainly.

There you go. [Clears throat]

Yes.

So, tell me, how do you know Tristan and Jean Luc?

- Oh, I met them in vegas.

- I partied with them in macau.

- I actually never met them.

I was sent by my agency.

- Oh, no. Ooh, Eden.

We've gotten this all wrong.

We're not special ladies. We're--

- don't say it. Don't say it.

- We're hos!

- No, we're not! We're special ladies.

- Eden, if we do not get off this plane right now,

we are no different than any of these...

Lovely young ladies.

- I'm not getting off.

- Oh, yes, you are. - No!

- Come on. - No!

I want to go to St. Barts!

I want to be wined and dined

and wake up with a shiny present!

- Let's go.

- Do we have to give back the jewelry?

- I said we're hos, not idiots.

- All right, Stuart.

There he is right there. - Oh.

- Is that the same guy?

I-I don't think so.

And I would not want to put a beat-down

on the wrong fellow.

- No, no, no, that's him. Man up.

- You're doing this for Billy Neff

and every other fight you ran away from.

- You're right.

[Exhales] I'm going in.

[Clears throat] - Hey, hey, buddy. Remember.

Crazy eyes. Crazy eyes.

- And the sand.

- I didn't bring any sand.

- Nah, I put some in your pocket

while you were praying.

It's a fine igneous--

really stings the cornea.

- Yeah. [Clears throat]

Hey.

Remember me?

- [Chuckles] Oh, yeah, I remember you.

You got five seconds to get out of here.

- Oh, I'm not going anywhere. You know why?

'Cause we got a problem.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, you want some of this?

'Cause this is what you're gonna get.

- What the hell is wrong with your eyes?

- My eyes are crazy, just like I am.

- Well, they're about to get black and blue.

- Well, you leave me no choice.

Dust storm! [Coins clatter]

- Did you just throw change at me?

- Wrong pocket.

- Buddy, you're gonna get it.

I mean, you are gonna--

[choking]

- Oh, my god.

Oh, my god. Are you choking?

- [Choking] - Oh, here.

- [Coughs]

[Coughing]

- You okay?

- Oh, thanks, buddy.

You saved my life.

- You're welcome.

I want my flippers back, you son of a bitch!

- I don't know what you're talking about, man.

- Oh, you want some more? You want some more of this?

- No, no, I'm done. I'm done.

- Holy--Stuart, you did it! - Yeah.

- You saved his life and you kicked his ass.

- Yeah. I guess I did.

- I'm proud of you.

You didn't use sand, but you did sucker punch him.

That's my boy.

- Looks like your running days are over, huh?

- Yeah, thanks to you guys, I guess they are.

- Hey, look who's here, guys.

- Wow.

- What's with the outfits?

- They're cocktail dresses. We're having cocktails.

You have a problem with that?

- Well, if I didn't know any better,

I'd say you were a couple of high-priced--

- what? High-priced what?

- Princesses?

- Damn right we are.

Now, go get us a burger

and don't expect anything in return.

- No. You know what?

My days of being pushed around in this bar are over.

- Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

- Yeah, what?

- Dust storm!

Ow! Oh! Ow!

Aah!

[Upbeat music]

?

- Yeah.

- ? Acme [Glass shatters]

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