All language subtitles for The Exes s03e01 Toy Story.eng

Hey, Stuart.
What's going on, buddy?

Since Holly's out of town,

I'm watering her plants,

and I pulled a muscle
in my back.

I went looking
for a couple of Tylenol,

and I found this handy
back massager

in her bedroom nightstand.

You found that
in her nightstand, huh?

Yeah,
and let me tell you.

This thing really penetrates.

Uh...[Chuckles]

Do you want to tell him
or should I?

- Oh, please... let me.
- [Laughs]

What?
Tell me what?

Uh, that "back massager"

you're pleasuring yourself
with there

is actually Holly's
love stick.

Her what?

It's her vibrator, goober.

Oh.

So Holly uses one
of those, huh?

- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.

You'd think she'd be
a lot more mellow.

I resent those things.

I mean,
how can any man compete

with 120 volts
of pulsating pleasure?

We're dinosaurs, gentlemen.

Dinosaurs.

Well, I'm cool with them.

Yep, they're just another tool
in the toolbox

to get my lady across
the finish line.

For I am not a selfish lover.

There is no "I" in "orgasm."

In my marriage,

there was no "I"
in the bedroom.

Well, I was
the only stimulation

my ex-wife ever needed.

The only time she wasn't
in the mood

was after doing laundry.

Running that machine
for hours.

I'd find her in there
sitting on it,

looking all spent
and flushed and...

Oh, my God. I was beaten out
by a maytag.

Well, if were you,
I'd get that thing back

in Holly's nightstand before
she gets home tonight.

You're right.

[Knock at door]

Hello?
Guess who's home.

- Just...
- No, no, no, no, no!

Hey. Hi.

- Hi.
- Hi, hey.

- [Yelps]
- Hi.

Hey.

Well, we...

We weren't expecting you
until tonight.

Yeah,
well, the annual meeting

of the tri-state association
of matrimonial attorneys

isn't exactly the mardi gras
you'd think it is.

[All chuckle]

Stuart, thanks for looking
after my apartment.

You find everything okay?

Find? Wasn't much to find.
Nope.

Yeah, if... if it wasn't supposed
to be found,

I didn't find it.

If it was supposed
to be found,

then I did find it,

the "it" being nothing.

What's wrong with him?

He's under a lot of stress
at work.

Yes.

Oh, you know what I do
to take the pressure off?

All: Yes.

- Yoga.
- Rollerblading.

Pilates.

I eat frosting
right out of the can.

Now you know
my dirty little secret.

Oh, you so dirty, girl.
You so dirty.

All right, look,
as soon as she's gone,

I'll put it back. Okay, come on.
Give me the thingy.

- [Yelps]
- Here you go.

[Rattling]

Oh, no. You broke it.

You broke Holly's thingy.

Well, what are you looking
at me for?

- He sat on it too.
- Get out of here, man.

I sat on the cord.
You sat on the party end.

Yeah, but...

I'll plug it in.
We'll see if it still works.

[Rattling]

Oh, it's busted.

Useless.

Not such a hotshot now,
are you?

[Upbeat music]

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- What you doing?
- Weighing myself.

Is that a postal scale?

Yeah.

I'm checking to see
how much more

I need to lose to get back
to my pre-pregnancy weight.

Oh, no.
12 more to go.

How could you possible need
to lose 12 more pounds?

I meant ounces.

You're fired.

So how was your trip?

Eden, you know
what the best part is

about being away
on a ten-day business trip?

Surprising your assistant
with a gift?

People do it, you know.

No, it's having a boyfriend
to come home to.

Tonight, Paul and and I are
having a reunion in the bedroom.

'Cause I missed my man
a lot.

[Whispers] A lot.

Catch me drift?

Yes, I do, popeye.

Why do you need to use code?

Why can't you just say,

"I'm horny, and I want to have
sex with my boyfriend"?

Because I am a lady,
and I'd like to think

I'm a little more refined
than that.

Well, Paul had to go
out of town on business.

Oh, crap on a stick!

He said he'd call you
when he gets there.

So looks like tonight,
it's just you and Bob.

Who's Bob?

Your battery-operated
boyfriend.

Eden.

There is nothing to be
embarrassed about.

I have one for every mood...

Happy, naughty, bored at work...

- Eden!
- Come on.

Tell me you don't have one.

Get back to your desk.
I am your boss.

This is a highly inappropriate
conversation to be having.

Says the woman
who makes me pick up

her bras, spanx, and tampons.

Just be grateful
for what I leave off the list!

Wow.

[Laughs]

I've passed this place
a million times,

but I've never come in.

Yeah, me neither.

- Hey, Haskell.
- Hi, Mr. Lutz.

I used to come here
when it was a French bakery.

Look at all this stuff.

Ball gags and blindfolds,

restraints.

How do you know
if you're having sex

or just being held up?

Look, what do you say
we get Holly

a new joy buzzer
and get the hell out of here?

What's your hurry?

I want to see what's new
for fall.

Hey, baby.
How you doing?

How can I help you boys?

Oh, yes.

This broke,
and we need to replace it.

- It's a vibrator.
- Ah.

That's a plug-in.

You boys really like
to party old-school.

[Laughs] No, no, no.
It's not ours.

It's our neighbor's.

Of course it is.

How'd you break it?

They sat on it.

Oh, guys, you know you're
supposed to use that

one at a time, right?

Can I interest you
in a newer model?

Something with batteries
might bring

some of the magic back.

Oh, no.
No, no, no.

It has to be
the exact same model.

I get it.
Why mess with success?

[Clicks tongue] Let me see
if I have it in stock.

Well, I hope you do because
we need it tonight

- and we need it bad.
- [Laughs]

Stuart, shut up.

It looks like they don't even
make that one anymore.

I'm sorry to kill
your night, boys.

Oh, no.
You see?

I never should have taken it
in the first place.

How could I have been
so stupid? How?

Don't beat yourself up,
buddy.

Yeah. Let me.

[Whip cracks]

Holly's gonna be home soon
and find her thingy missing.

What are we gonna do?

Well, how about
we act like adults

and just tell her
the truth?

No, because then
she'll know that we know

that she tickles
her own ivories.

He's right.

It'll put a cloud over
the relationship.

A huge cloud
of shame and humiliation.

She'll be embarrassed
to be around us.

The days will turn
into weeks,

the weeks into months,
and before you know it,

she's just another old lady
running for the elevator

while I push
the close button.

Is that what you want?

Is it? Is it?

Get that hairy sausage
out of my face, man.

Stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it.

Stop it, you two.

Holly's thingy
is tearing us apart.

Does anybody have
any better ideas?

You know,
I think I can fix this.

You can fix a vibrator?

I've always been handy.

I can fix a flashlight.

And what is this
but its warped, slutty cousin?

- [Door knob rattling]
- Hey.

Hey, why is the door locked?

- Oh, oh, no. No, no, no.
- Don't... don't...

Don't... don't panic.
Don't panic.

I'll take Holly down to the bar
and distract her

while you help Haskell.

Thanks, Phil.

Hey, we're all in this
together.

I believe you have something
of mine?

Stuart took it!

I didn't mean to.

Could I just have my mail?

Your mail?
Of course.

What else would you
be here for?

Yeah, the answer
is obviously nothing.

- No.
- [Laughs]

Hey, Holly, what do you say
we go down

to the bar
and grab a drink?

Oh, sorry, Phil.
Not tonight.

Paul's out of town,
and I made some other plans.

With who?

An old friend.

Holly, Holly.

- This is important.
- Trust me, so is this.

Holly.

Oh, all right, one drink,
and then I go home.

Okay.

You sure you can do this?

If we rebuild it,
she will come.

Mini screwdriver.

Screwdriver.

- Needle-nose pliers.
- Pliers.

I said needle-nose!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Gasps]

- Oh, no.
- What's wrong?

I've isolated the problem.

The motor's come loose
from the housing.

We need to reattach the leads.

- So do it.
- It's not that simple.

Which wire goes where?

Red, blue, blue, red?

Holly could be back
any second.

- Just pick one.
- I don't know.

- I don't know!
- Pick one!

Okay, all right!

But God help us all
if I'm wrong.

All right,
you got me down here.

What did you want
to talk to me about?

- What do I want to talk to you about?
- Yeah.

What do I want
to talk to you about?

Us.

What about us?

What about us?
Uh...

Well, Holly, you know,
I-I never properly thanked you.

Thanked me for what?

For taking a broken,
divorced man

with no place to go
and giving him a home.

You're very, very welcome.
See ya.

Oh! No, no, no, no, no.

I can't let
you go back upstairs

without fully expressing
my gratitude, Holly.

Okay, you just put it
on a cake, okay?

Oh, but, Holly,

that's not good enough.

Because when I was down,
I knew

I could always count
on you for sure.

That's what friends are for.

That was a close one.

Well, I don't mean to toot
my own horn,

but where lesser men might
have crumbled

under the pressure or perhaps
had an accidental whoopsie,

I rose to the challenge.

I'm just gonna say
what you're all thinking...

Haskell Lutz is a hero.

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

[Laughter]

You super-charged it, huh?

[Fire alarm rings]

Help!
My bedroom's on fire!

What?

I hope that's a euphemism.

Guess what.

I'm back
to my pre-baby weight.

Those last 6 ounces
were a bitch.

The secret was laying off
the tic tacs.

Holly, are you okay?

What's wrong?

I had a little fire
in my apartment last night.

How little?

My bedroom burned down.

- Oh, my God.
- Mm.

That's not even
the worst part.

The condo board is sending over
an investigator

to determine the cause.

So?

So it's me.
I'm the cause.

How did you cause
the fire?

With this.

With a karaoke mic?

No, that's my Bob.

I knew you had one!

[Laughs]
Jeez, what's the matter?

Couldn't find one
that was steam-powered?

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I mean, I don't know
what happened.

I-I turned it on,
it turned me on,

and then sparks started
shooting out

of my outlet.

Isn't that the goal?

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

They're gonna locate
the source

and ask what was plugged in.

So just tell the truth.

Are you crazy?

I'd be the laughing stock
of the building.

Stuff like this always
gets out.

I should know.
I usually leak it.

I'm just gonna have to lie.

You can't perjure yourself.
You're a lawyer.

I don't mean lie lie.

I mean use legalese to dance
around the truth.

Let's face it.

I am a master
of twisting language.

- Oh, really?
- Yes, really.

Let's see.

Well, miss Franklin,

you might be interested
to know

we found the source
of the fire.

There is a burned-out outlet
inches from your bed.

I don't see
how that's relevant.

Inches!

So was anyone with you
the night

of said fire?

That question
is completely immaterial

to the case at hand,
but yes, I was alone.

Alone?
Interesting.

Tell me,
what was a single woman

with pent-up needs doing
late at night alone

in her bedroom
with an electrical device?

I-I...

Just answer the question.

[Mockingly stammers]

Tell me the truth!
Tell me!

I was pleasuring myself
with my midnight rider!

Anyone spoken to Holly?

No, but some investigator
has been in there

- poking around for hours.
- Oh.

I can't stop thinking
about how

Holly could be blamed
for starting the fire.

I know.

I haven't been able
to sleep all day.

Good, because you're the one
who turned her thingy

into a flamethrower.

I'll have you know I had
that vibrator

purring like a Ferrari.

She must have been
off-roading.

Well, look.

All I know is,
because of us,

Holly could get thrown out
of the building.

That condo board President Percy
is a killer.

[Knock at door]

Oh.

Hello, Percy.
Can we help you?

Where is miss Franklin?

The board needs to speak
with her.

May I ask what
this is in reference to?

You may,
but I'm not gonna tell you.

- Percy?
- Oh!

What's going on?

There you are.

Our investigator found
the exact cause of the fire.

We need to talk.

All right. Great.

I'll have my assistant
set something up.

How's your 2014 looking?

We need to talk, now.

Okay.

Holly, Holly,
I-I have something I need

- to tell you.
- Okay, but make it quick.

We... while you were
out of town,

I was watering your plants
and I pulled a muscle,

so I was looking for something
to ease the pain.

And I took...

I-I took...

Took... what did you...
What did you take, Stuart?

I took a couple of Tylenols.

Well, next time, ask!

Come on in.
Have a seat.

[Laughs nervously]

Can I get you anything
to drink?

Some orange juice, water,
cash to make this all go away?

Miss Franklin,
about the fire...

Oh, who cares about
a little ol'fire?

The little ol'board does.

Now we know
that the fire started

in an outlet
right next to your bed.

- And the cause...
- Come on.

We all have our needs.

Am I right, sister?

The cause was faulty wiring
in the wall.

- What?
- It's old.

It should have been
replaced years ago.

The entire building
is going to be rewired.

So it had nothing to do

with whatever was plugged
into the wall?

No. It would not
have mattered.

This is an outrage!

There I was, lying in bed

reading my... Bible,

not realizing I was living
in a deathtrap.

I want an insurance check
asap.

And while my bedroom's
being renovated,

I expect to be put up
in a four-star hotel.

Stop the witch hunt!

The fire wasn't her fault.

- It was ours.
- Yeah.

We're the reason Holly's
vibrator caught fire.

- What?
- Excuse me?

Yeah, I-I took it,
and they broke it,

and he "fixed" it.

I don't know
what they're talking about.

We're talking about
your vibrator, Holly.

Your boom-boom stick!
Your love buzzer!

Oh, my God.

I've got this.

The only thing
this woman is guilty of

is being human.

After all, who amongst us
haven't drawn a bath,

lit a candle, put on a little
Michael buble

and knocked one out?

The fire was caused by faulty
wiring in the building.

Oh.

It had nothing to do
with what was ever plugged in.

Nothing.

- Nothing!
- [Gasps]

Run?

- Yeah!
- [Shouts]

Listen, Holly.
We really wanted...

Silence!

First of all,

how did you get ahold
of my... bedtime buddy?

Everything I told you before
was absolutely true.

Just take out the word
"Tylenol" and replace it

with "vibrator."

He thought it was your
back massager.

That explains everything.
You're an idiot!

Why didn't you just tell me
you broke it?

We didn't want to
embarrass you.

That worked out swell.

We were worried
you'd be weird around us.

We didn't want to jeopardize
our friendship.

- We're sorry, Holly.
- Yeah, really sorry.

Okay.

Since we are all mature,
well-adjusted adults,

we are going to pretend
this never happened

and never speak of it again.

- Yep.
- I'd rather lose my tongue.

However, before we do,

since you now each know
something personal about me,

you're each going to tell me
something about you.

Something that would make
you feel uncomfortable,

may embarrassed you.

All right.
Okay.

I'll go first.

Huh,
when we were at sex store,

I bought something
when you guys weren't looking.

In fact, I'm...
Using it right now.

Better go.
Go, go. Go.

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0