Original subtitles

- "Nigel"? - No.

"Leonard." That's cute.

That's so cute! We have a little fat kid that likes internet porn.

Let's come up with our own name. We don't need the book.

Like "Apple" or "Destiny's Child."

I'll tell you what...

Honey, will you run in the kitchen and get me my toast?

- Yes. - Thank you.

The book says it's important to have a name for the child

before the child is born.

Oh, that book. You've got to relax with that book.

You're obsessed.

Honey, you know doing research

makes me feel more comfortable.

Speaking of which, I've decided not to do an epidural.

- What? - Yep.

Apparently, natural childbirth's better for the baby.

But everybody says the pain is unbearable.

I'm a tough girl. I can handle it.

Whatever is best for baby Big Nose.

Big Nose?

Oh, sorry, that's just the name that popped into my head

when I was looking at you.

Oh, that's very funny. That's very funny.

Honey, please!

You're going to make me pee!

Whoa, whoa. Look at the time. I gotta go.

- Promotion day. - Good luck, sweetheart.

- Hey. I love you. - I love you more.

Tom! Tom! Tom Reilly.

How the hell are you, man? What's going on?

Good, Forrest. How are you?

The last time I saw you, you were with Sofia Kowalski.

Yeah, we got married actually.

Way to go, man.

You know, I was never one of the people that said

she was out of your league. In their face, right?

Yeah.

- We're about to have a baby. - Congratulations. That's fantastic.

Yeah, good stuff. My wife and I just did that deal in December.

Kids are expensive as hell, though.

I just made SVP at Armstrong.

Making 500 grand a year and we're barely making ends meet.

We just got a beach house in the Hamptons.

- Oh. - Piece of advice--

you want the most blowjobs ever?

- Please. - Get your wife a beach house.

- Oh. - I'm serious. I can't keep her off my junk.

I'll have to remember that.

Hey, come out to the Hamptons sometime. We'll go sailing.

- I'll bring my yacht! - Even better.

$500,000 a year. Can you believe that?

I went to school with this idiot.

He's one of the stupidest people I ever met.

Where did I go wrong?

- Dude, you're a cook. - I know.

I should have become a hedge-fund guy.

I'd be getting BJs out in East Hampton.

Okay, people! A lot of hungry stockbrokers up there.

They're counting on you.

What's wrong?

Somebody left a bunch of salmon out overnight.

Leon's docking everybody's pay.

- That's ridiculous. - You gotta talk to him, Tom.

No, no, no, no, no, not me this time, guys. Sorry.

Tommy, you're the only guy that can stand up to him.

Paco, my wife's about to have a baby. I need this promotion.

This guy's going to dock our pay, man.

Let's go, ladies!

I don't pay you to stand around all day.

Hey, Summers, I need you to work on Sunday, okay?

Leon, my sister's getting married on Sunday, remember?

Well, you know what? You gotta tell me that when I'm making out the schedule.

- I can't keep track of everyone's social life. - I did tell you.

- I'll sub for him, Leon. - Paco, silencio.

Summers, I'm sorry. You got to be here Sunday.

That's it. I don't make the rules.

Oh, wait. Yes, I do.

You got something to say, Reilly? I'd love to hear it.

Leon, you're an asshole.

And you're fired.

- What? - Adios, mijo.

You heard me, Banderas. Hit the road.

Go on back to your 10-family shack and watch Telemundo all day.

I don't give a shit, all right?

Okay, we both got a little carried away.

I admit it. You admit it.

Let's just have a cool-down period, okay? Do you want to use my apron?

I can get most of that off.

Are you kidding me? You don't hit a guy with a pork chop!

- Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! - Come on!

- We're sorry. We're sorry. We're sorry. - You're fired too.

Uh-huh!

Forrest, here's some pork, on the house.

How's the ahi?

Oh, I'm so fat.

Don't give me that crazy look, Kimmy. I see you.

I have too much to do before I gotta get out of here.

Hey, Sof', can I ask you something?

Do you really think you can raise a kid on Tom's salary?

He's getting promoted to head lunch-chef.

We're gonna be fine.

I have to say, I have a hard time seeing you as a housewife.

I am not going to be a housewife.

I'm going to be a full-time mom.

Of course, yeah.

What?

Don't worry about it, man.

Hello.

Now?

It's a setback, baby, but we're gonna get through this.

The important thing is that we have

a beautiful, perfect, handsome baby boy, right?

And we love each other.

Right?

Do you remember how we decided that I was gonna stay home with our baby

and you were gonna support us?

Sofia, it was the principle of the thing. You should have seen this guy.

It's always "the principle of the thing."

First, it was the museum job,

but then you didn't want to turn into a pretentious social climber.

Then you become a magazine writer,

which lasts until you tell your editor he's a whore.

Not an actual whore, Sofia. A whore to the entertainment industry.

You speak your mind and you can smell bullshit a mile away,

and that's what I love about you,

but sooner or later, people make compromises.

They don't like what they do. They hate their boss.

They're bored most of the time. It's what having a job is.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, well, what if this whole thing

was a message from God?

What do you think God's trying to tell us?

Maybe he's trying to tell us that it's time for us

to move out of New York City.

I could finally take your dad up on his job offer.

I think Ohio will be the best place to raise a baby.

We have your parents to help us out.

You always said you didn't want to work in an office.

But now all I care about is taking care of you and him.

Okay?

Besides, I think advertising

will be a pretty great job to have, right?

Think up ideas all day long, get paid for it?

We could have a house and a car.

- It would be a lot quieter. - Yes.

We could have a yard.

That's what I'm talking about, baby--

you, me, Ollie,

chillin' in our yard

- with our cows. - I could bake pies every day.

You know how to bake a pie? How come you never made me a pie?

Whoo-hoo, Ohio! Look, Oliver!

Yes!

Lot of white people in this neighborhood.

Kids, welcome!

Great! It's your parents.

They're in our house already.

- Look at that baby! - I'm gonna eat you!

- I'm gonna eat you up! - Baby!

Your stuff got here safe and sound,

not that you had very much.

Dad, our apartment in New York was about the size of this porch.

I love it. Go ahead.

Whose furniture is this?

- Surprise! - Got you a little housewarming gift.

- Oh, thank you. - Yeah, you shouldn't have.

They threw in the bassinet for half price.

Mom, what's with all the Spanish?

This is your mother's new crusade.

Oh, it's not a crusade, Mr. Cynical.

Nancy Hodgekiss told me about this family

that just moved here from Argentina.

So I thought there must be something I could do to help.

So I'm teaching them English.

You know, having a job completely changes a man, Tom.

It's not just about the money.

It's about having a purpose.

It's about feeling proud of yourself.

- Dad. - I've been employed before, Bob.

No, I'm not talking about a cook.

I'm talking about a real job.

- Dad, Tom was a chef. - A chef's a cook, right?

Personally, I think being a cook is a real job.

You want a tip on how to succeed, you take a look at this girl here.

Did you know that your wife was Phi Beta Kappa?

That she got 170 on the LSAT?

I know that, Bob.

If you remember, we've been dating since college.

Me Ilamo el pollo...

Don't eat me! I'm for grownups!

You know who I'm putting in charge of training Tom?

- Chip Sanders. - Oh, great.

Who's Chip Sanders?

Sofia never told you about Chip?

He's just this guy I went to high school with.

Eat up, Tom. You got 20 more chickens in there.

So what's this Chip guy like?

I haven't seen him for years.

We were in cheerleading together.

Which reminds me,

When are you gonna dig out one of your cheerleading outfits

and do a little routine for me?

I don't know. Are you gonna score a touchdown for me?

Oh, I will score a touchdown.

I will.

Tom, don't.

It's just...

Oliver eats from there. It just seems kind of weird.

I'm sorry. Maybe it's just a little too early.

- Is that okay? - Of course it's okay. Of course.

- It's totally fine. - Okay.

Wish me luck, family members.

- Give 'em hell. - I'll miss you guys.

Tom, hi.

- Welcome to Sunburst. - Thank you.

I should've told you, suit and tie is not required.

Casual Friday every day?

No, it's not business casual. We tried that.

It's business appropriate.

It's about being yourself, but in an appropriate way.

It's kind of special.

You know, I've been here longer than anybody, 30 years.

Last year a visionary took over.

His name-- Don Wollebin.

Guys! Guys, I want you to meet Tom Reilly,

Our new assistant associate-creative.

- Hey, Tom. - Hey, guys.

- This is Manny. - This is Doug.

- Uh-oh. Uh-oh. - Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

- What's that? - What are you trying to do?

- You got something in your hand there? - Hey, Tom, catch!

- Whoops! - Yes!

Nice, Manny!

- Can't let my man down. - You got to catch it, Tom.

The "yes" ball gets thrown around the office all day long.

It's a way of showing that we're all in sync.

- Oh. - Don Wollebin taught us

that every company is a multi-mind organism.

Do you know what an organism is, Tom?

Sure.

An organism is a living thing.

Is it, Tom?

What about a person?

A person's a living thing.

Forgive me, Tom, but that's a pretty old-fashioned way of looking at things.

See, here at Sunburst, we treat people like people,

- not like things. - Oh.

Don't worry about it. It took me a while to get my mind around it as well.

Once you start thinking about stuff in a new way,

it'll turn your whole world upside down.

Come on.

People just aren't eating as much fried fish anymore.

So Don says, "Let's shift the paradigm.

Forget fried fish.

Let's re-invent the tartar sauce

As a hamburger spread.

Call it 'Pickle Whip'

and sell it to teenagers!"

- That's classic Wollebin. - No question.

Now last but not least,

I want to introduce all of you

To our new assistant associate-creative--

Tom Reilly.

Thank you all. I'm sure that this experience will--

- Sit down, Tom. It's all right. - Okay.

- Hey, Tom. - Uh-oh.

Nice catch!

- Throw it! - Nice!

Here we go!

Yes, throw it around! Throw it around!

Oh, I don't want to do it, either. Or do I?

Go long!

Come on, buddy. You got to jump for those.

Unfortunately, I can't.

And I haven't been able to, Tom,

Since I was five.

It's great to meet you, though. My name's Chip Sanders.

This is the guy you're gonna be working under.

Hey, Chip, I'm really sorry about what just happened.

I feel like an idiot.

Hold it right there, Tom. We don't apologize at Sunburst.

The Japanese have a term called moushiwake.

It's a way of saying you're sorry

and taking responsibility.

At Sunburst, if you feel you've fallen short,

you write a moushiwake

on one of these little yellow pads.

Here. Here you go.

Just go ahead, write it down.

"Chip, I'm sorry I threw the imaginary ball"--

It's supposed to be silent.

Tom, don't you worry about it.

If I got depressed every time somebody made a joke at my expense,

- I'd never get out of bed. - I wasn't making a joke. I didn't--

Tom, you'll be working under the best here.

- Oh, sticky. - I'm sorry.

Chip just won Ohio Advertiser of the Year.

- Congratulations. - I don't do it for the awards.

He created Se�or Tomato

for the Ketchup Kaliente campaign.

Ay, caliente!

Arriba.

- I love this guy. - Yeah, I'm pretty proud of him.

There's not a lot of Latino characters in advertising.

He seems like a really nice role model.

Well, it's nice to do well,

but also to do good.

Ay, caliente!

Look who's awake!

It's Mr. Stinky-winky!

It's Mr. Stinky-winky's pinkies.

You made mommy a nice little poo, a stinky poo.

Yes, you did.

A binky drinky. A pinky dinky.

"He backed away. His hand holding the purple crayon shook."

You don't understand a word I'm saying, do you?

"Johnson told the senate subcommittee

he was satisfied with the president's budget,

even though it represented a 6% decrease

from last year."

So...

You married Sofia Kowalski.

- You are one lucky man. - Thanks.

- Do you love her, Tom? - Oh, yeah.

Do you earn her love every single day?

I believe I do, Chip.

That's all I need to hear.

So, listen, I want you to know that I don't care

Whether you got this job through family connections

or had to earn it like the rest of us.

What's important is that you're here, and that's awesome.

Okay, well, I'm just excited to jump in.

Whatever you got for me, just let me know.

Hang on there, killer. We're gonna walk before we run, okay?

- Did you see "Karate Kid"? - Yeah.

Miyagi. Macchio. Okay?

And right now we're in the "Wax on, wax off" period.

Advertising here.

Advertising never here.

She and my mom got in a heated argument and my mom took her to the ground

and started hitting her,

while my dad stood over top, laughing.

Did you later find out that that wasn't true?

- Hearsay. - Your honor, hearsay.

Did you ever hear your sister say

- that she hated your mother? - Constantly.

- Hi. - Hi.

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

- Are those snaps? - Yeah.

- That's pretty cool. - It's pretty stupid.

My dad won't let me watch TV anymore.

- That's bullshit, dude. - Yeah.

This is all I can do.

Want to trade?

Just kidding.

Like, that one was a dud.

It happens.

So during the school year I live with my mom in New Jersey.

And I spend the summer here with my dad.

But he's at work all the time,

and all my friends live back in Parsippany,

so it's pretty gay.

Hey, think fast.

I'm just messing with you.

- I'm Carol, by the way. - Tom.

- Hey, Tom, can I give you some advice? - Yeah.

Get out of here. Run. Run as fast as you can.

Walk out that door and don't look back.

I'm just kidding.

But not really.

This is gonna be awesome. Somebody's eating Chip's yogurt.

Watch your legs. No brakes! Thank you.

How we doing, gang, huh?

Uh-oh. Either one of you two guys seen--

- Is this your yogurt? - Uh-huh.

Oh, because Bob had said something about, like,

free snacks in the kitchen.

Muffins.

Muffins are for everyone. Yogurt's mine.

Everyone knows that. Listen, my fault.

- You're new. - I'll just go buy you another one.

No, no, I'm your mentor. I should have told you.

I'll go hungry today. That'll be my punishment.

No, no, please. At least finish the rest of this.

No, you've already done about two-thirds of that. Why don't you finish it off?

Okay, enjoy. It's peach. My favorite.

I give you one week.

Who is that? Who is that?

Hi, Dad!

Dad, I pooped today. What did you do?

Hey, please change my diaper, Dad.

My dad loves Chip. He's like the son he never had.

- What about me? - It's completely different.

You're his son-in-law.

Chip's a great guy, babe. He just--

I don't know. He seems a little angry or something.

Well, maybe you'd be a little angry too

if you'd lost the use of your legs.

It's not that. I don't know.

He just-- he's nice.

I just-- I think he might have a dark side.

Tom, this is your first week on the job.

I really hope you're not picking a fight.

I'm not saying anything bad about him.

Everybody has a dark side. I have a dark side.

I'm very dangerous.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Come here.

What's up?

- Who is that person? - That's Wesley.

His dad doesn't let him watch TV.

I don't see the wisdom

of selling directly to consumers.

Do you remember we spoke about Smith & Hawken, sir? 2,000% sales growth?

We've got a three-pronged strategy--

web advertising, product partnerships and print ads.

Actually, it's a four-pronged strategy. You forgot about direct mailing.

Direct mailing is not part of this strategy.

- Actually, it is. - No, it's not.

It is, Chip. If you took the time to read the report like I did,

pages 23 through 29, direct mailing.

I specifically said, "No junk mail."

Now "no junk mail" means "no direct mailing."

Did my son say you could do this?

This meeting is over. Goodbye.

I'm really sorry.

I guess I shouldn't have said that.

That report was for internal distribution only.

That's what "for internal distribution only" means.

Mr. Nordhaus' son asked us not to tell his father

about the direct mailing.

Because in five years, when direct mailing takes effect,

- Mr. Nordhaus'll be dead. - I can still hear you.

I guess we can kiss that account goodbye.

Bob, I'm really sorry.

I mean, moushiwake.

I'll write a moushiwake, Bob.

Bob, if anybody should be writing a moushiwake, it's me.

- Tom is my responsibility. - Chip, please.

He's the one who screwed up.

Wollebin gets back from Nepal tomorrow.

I don't want to tell him you blew a major account on your second day.

I'm gonna say it was me.

Oh, no, no, I can't let you take the rap for that.

- Let me do it. - Absolutely not, Chipper.

It's my family.

I'll clean up the mess.

Well, thank you, Bob. I appreciate that.

Let's go back to work.

Hey, Tom, it's probably none of my business,

but I doubt I'd ever let my father-in-law

take a bullet for me like that.

- Chip, it is none of your business. - Sofia.

We are the Tigers!

And we're not cocky.

But we'll run you over...

Like a Kawasaki.

Vroom-vroom!

- Hey, baby. - Sofia, hey! Let me see the baby.

- This is him. - Oh my gosh,

look what you've made!

Who's the father? Have you found him?

Sofia, ready, okay!

Remember this?

Let me tell you what we are:

W-i-n-n-e-r!

That's it! Second half, second half.

Let me tell you what you are:

L-o-s-e-r!

- That's great. - And...

Riverside Tigers, out of sight!

Riverside Tigers, dyn-o-mite!

- I want to show you my-- - Hang on. Hang on.

- Explode. - Explode!

Explode!

Explode?

Come on, you remember how strong Chips Ahoy is.

- Come on, I got you. Ready? Ha! - Okay.

Explode!

Oh, yeah.

I can't believe he remembered all the moves.

Oh, yeah, he's a real champ.

I bet he had a huge crush on you in high school, didn't he?

Well...

we did sort of have sex once.

What?

I thought you said he was paralyzed from the waist down.

Well, not completely.

So you just, like, forgot to tell me about it?

It was a long time ago.

I didn't want you thinking about that when you met the guy.

It's gross. I think you showed really bad judgment.

- Why? - Because, no offense to Chip...

but he's a dick.

You're not really jealous, are you?

Don't you know I'm saving my special cheer for you?

- You have a special cheer? - Yeah.

Can I see it?

Show me upstairs.

- Hi. - Hello, Wesley.

Can I get you anything?

No, I'm all right.

Got my Twizzler.

- You got it? - Yeah, I got it.

So you spend any time at your own house there, Wesley?

Wesley's mom lives in New Jersey,

and his dad works late.

Oh...

well, I'm glad we could help out.

Welcome to the family, Wesley.

Thanks, Tom. Hey, guys,

You wanna see something really cool?

Sure.

Wesley, you're gonna hurt yourself.

That was awesome.

Wait a second. This is it.

- What are you doing? - The Pickle Whip campaign.

This is how I'm gonna redeem myself.

You gotta promise me you're never gonna do that again.

Do that again.

- I don't feel so good. - Oh, come on, buddy. I need this for work.

- I don't know. - I'll give you 20 bucks.

- Tom! - Done and done.

Ow!

You hit my face.

If you want to feel your insignificance

in the vastness of the universe, I mean really feel it,

try boarding in the Himalayas.

You, inspire me.

Sorry about your face.

That's Don Wollebin.

The rollercoaster comes down the hill.

Right?

Smash cut to this guy.

"I am going so fast! Wow!"

And a brief shot of his buddies. Wait a minute.

This can only go one direction--

"Whoaaaa!"

Rolls right into a pile of Pickle Whip.

Tagline:

"Get whipped!"

I think that's really neat.

Hmm.

- That feels like a commercial. - Exactly.

Who here likes commercials?

Really, you like commercials?

Nobody likes commercials.

You know, that's true too.

We need a new slogan around here--

"No commercials."

Definitely food for thought.

Chipper, did you--

Yes, I will give it a go.

Uh, Don, I've been thinking along the same lines.

I don't see these as commercials, I see them more like 30-second movies.

Having said that...

Power Pickle. He's Se�or Tomato,

only less Mexican, and more attitude.

Power Pickle loves extreme skating.

He loves extreme snowboarding.

Also enjoys extreme skydiving.

Most of all, he enjoys extreme lunching.

Ha! "Extreme lunching."

I think you have something there.

Power... Pickle.

"Power Pickle."

It's phallic.

- Phallic. - Oops.

Anyone else?

- Well, I have something. - Who's this?

This is Tom Reilly. He's our new assistant associate-creative.

Tom, it's generally the creatives

or the associate- creatives

who make these proposals.

It is better to listen to a wise beggar

than a rich fool.

I want to hear the beggar.

Okay, thank you.

I saw this kid do this

kind of funny trick the other day.

And I don't know,

I think it would make a hilarious ad. Tell me what you guys think.

No way!

That's funny.

Congratulations, Tom. You did it.

Tom, I want you going down to Lion's Pride tomorrow

to show this thing to Jack Connor.

- Chip. - Boss.

You're Tom's wingman on this thing.

Wingman, his.

How about that?

Do you mountain bike?

Yeah, whenever I get the chance.

There's some amazing trails around here, especially at dawn.

It's awe-inspiring. We should go sometime.

Yeah.

- All right. - Yeah, it's great, yeah.

I got to get a bike.

Hey, I hope there's no hard feelings,

'cause I thought your whole extreme pickle thing was really cool,

- when he was skydiving and stuff-- - Tom.

Let me tell you something: if you think I care about Power Pickle,

you're sorely mistaken, okay?

I can think up ideas like that in my sleep.

And someday, when I'm kicking ass in Barcelona,

I'm gonna look back on this whole campaign

as some sad, pathetic,

little joke.

He said that?

I have no idea what he was talking about.

There's this ad agency in Barcelona called Idea.

They're, like, cutting-edge euro-geniuses.

Chip applied for a job there. Nobody's supposed to know about it,

but I saw him mailing off a bunch

of Se�or Tomato figurines.

- That guy is out of his mind. - Tell me about it.

He is great in the sack, though.

- How do you know? - Nancy slept with him last Christmas.

She said it was the best sex she ever had.

Apparently, he can, like, balance on his arms

and then the angle makes it intense

- because you're sitting-- - I don't want to hear about it, okay?

- What the hell? - What?

Someone stole the picture of my wife.

- Sofia Kowalski! - Abby March, wow!

Hey, it is so good to see you.

- And who is this little guy? - This is Oliver.

Petey--

Petey,

Do you want to give Oliver a hug?

Hmm? Yeah?

Oh, that's a big yes.

Oh, yes.

Loves.

Oh. Loves.

Loves for your new friend, oh.

"Apana" is the sanskrit word for "waste."

The apana asana aids in digestion

And helps with gas and constipation.

Shall we get permission?

Do you want to do apana?

Good? Thank you.

Sofia...

I noticed that you didn't ask Oliver's permission.

In our class, we use the RIE method.

You must ask your baby's permission

- before you do anything. - Oh, okay.

Isn't that right, Petey?

Did you need some?

I don't know. What is it?

It's bag balm.

Dairy farmers use it as a moisturizer for cow udders.

It is the best thing in the world for sore nipples.

I have a ton at home. You are welcome to have this.

Thanks. Yeah, breastfeeding's been hell for me.

As soon as Oliver hits six months,

I'm switching to formula, big time.

Sofia, please no formula.

If you don't want to do it, I'll breastfeed Oliver myself.

Wollebin just gave this to me to thank me for hiring you.

- Wow. - You know,

it hasn't been exactly smooth for me

since he took over.

Anyway, I just want to tell you that

I think you're doing a great job, son.

Well, thank you...

- Dad. - Have you seen my whales?

What?

Have I showed you my whales?

No.

Sometimes I just sit in here and stare at them.

It's so peaceful.

I even give them names.

That one-- ow, fuck!

- Are you okay? - That lamp is hotter than shit!

Shh, come on, buddy.

- After you. - Hi.

Hello, wife.

Hello, child.

- Daddy's home. - He's been like this all day.

Oh, no! What's wrong, cranky bear?

Hey, little bear.

Hi.

Gotta be kidding me.

- What's with the bike? - Hot, right?

Wollebin asked me to go mountain biking with him.

He asked me right after he put me in charge

of the Pickle Whip campaign.

- $1,200? - Babe, a bike like that should cost $1,500.

Try and bend those rims.

Try. Kick 'em. You can't bend those rims.

They're called high-performance rims.

Honey, you've never been mountain biking in your life.

Look, if you want me to return the bike, I'll return the bike.

- I want you to return the bike. - No, I'm not going to return the bike,

Because I think physical fitness is important,

and I think it's good for my career.

My day was terrible.

This girl I hated in high school came over

and made me go to her baby group

and everyone called me a bad mommy.

You're an amazing mommy.

Daddy gets to go mountain biking with Wollebin.

Chip can't go mountain biking.

- Tom. - It was a joke.

I don't think making fun of peoples' handicap is funny.

It was a joke.

Asleep in under five minutes.

Daddy's got the magic touch.

So what does Wesley get out of this whole Pickle Whip thing?

I already got him to sign a release.

He gets $1,000 if the ad airs.

What are you doing?

It's bag balm, Tom. They use it for cow's udders.

"Rub on udders." Wow.

I don't know, sweetie. It just feels like the whole thing's

a little exploitative of Wesley.

Oh, I get it.

I think I see what's happening.

Somebody's a little jealous.

- What? - Oh, come on.

You're used to being the star,

And now I'm in the limelight a little bit.

It's probably driving you crazy. Admit it.

Admit it.

- Score a touchdown. - Not gonna happen, Tom.

Use the bag balm.

Jack, good to see you again. How are you?

Please meet Tom Reilly. He's been helping me out on the campaign.

Reilly, is it?

Do you have Irish blood in you by any chance?

Me father's father was an Irishman,

so I have a wee bit of the leprechaun in me.

Are you making fun of me?

No, I'm sorry. I-- I--

I thought that was a fake accent.

- Why? - I don't know.

I don't know.

That was unfortunate.

Jack, you're gonna love the new campaign. Let's jump right in.

I mean, is that something?

Is that incredible or what?

When I saw that kid, I said, "that's it."

We've all just said hello to the new face of Pickle Whip.

- Well done, Chip. - Thanks so much, Jack.

So sorry, but you're gonna all have to excuse me.

Jack.

- Oh, certainly, of course. - Great.

And, Tom, do us a favor, please,

and present the market- penetration strategy.

Market-penetration strategy.

Something that's very important to today's youth market...

Penetration.

Let's stick with long-range,

Because that way we know we're gonna maximize "p"--

Profit.

Isn't "p" price?

You're thinking of uppercase.

This is a lowercase "p".

Write that down. Here we go.

Next slide.

That's just "J" and "Q".

There they are. Next slide.

Have you talked to Chris about the penetration strategy?

- Chris? - Chris Caldwell.

Your director of market research.

Oh, "Chris" Chris.

"Chris" Chris. Yes.

I talked to him this morning. He loves it.

Chris Caldwell is a woman.

Yes.

Why did you say "he"?

It's a little joke we have.

Everybody calls Chris a "he" because...

she looks like a man.

She had a little mustache.

But it's gone.

She waxed it.

Tom, sorry I had to duck out.

How'd the rest of the meeting go?

How do you think it went? You left me high and dry in there.

I'm sorry. I had a medical emergency.

Yeah, right. What kind of emergency?

Well, I don't really enjoy talking about it in front of other people,

but if you must know, I sometimes have a bladder control problem, okay?

It's very embarrassing, but it is one of the things that you have to deal with

when you're paralyzed from the waist down.

Really, Chip?! Because my wife informs me

that you're not completely paralyzed down there.

Don't get your undies in a bunch.

You're not gonna get fired.

Look, first of all, word on the street

is that Jack Connor is like a total alcoholic.

- He's not gonna remember he met you. - I can't lose this job.

- I promised my wife. - You can't drive yourself crazy

trying to please your wife. You gotta relax.

- Yeah, I do. - Right.

And the thing is, I don't give a shit about tartar sauce.

Who cares about tartar sauce, you know?

I mean, I don't want to be one of those people

obsessing about things that don't matter.

Yes! When you get fired...

you're gonna be able to start from scratch.

- You said I wasn't gonna get fired. - Whatever.

A toast!

You know, Tom, to be honest,

for a long time, Amelia and I have been wondering

how long it's gonna take you to get your act together.

- Bob! - Amelia, please!

It's taken you a while,

but you finally realized who you are.

You're an ad man.

Tom Reilly.

Ad man.

You look up to me now, buddy.

When you get a little bit older,

You're gonna realize that your dad

has absolutely no idea what he's doing.

I don't want to go back out there.

I don't want to go back out there, so how about you and me,

we're just gonna sit in here until you crap your pants again.

Okay?

Are you okay?

Yeah, why?

I know starting a job can be really stressful,

but you know you can talk to me about it.

Chip said you blew up at him today.

- What? - He was worried about you.

He said you were acting kind of hostile.

I'm acting hostile?

Yeah!

Jack Connor tore me a new asshole this morning.

What the hell is the matter with you?

Bob, moushiwake, okay? But Chip hung me out to dry.

Jack said that you made fun of his mother for having a mustache!

That's not true. I said Chris Caldwell had a mustache.

Chris Caldwell doesn't have a mustache!

I thought Chris Caldwell was a man because Chris is often a man's name.

Three creatives came to me this morning

and said that you were humiliating Chip about his disability.

- Chip is trying to sabotage me. - Chip is trying to mentor you!

He came to me and said, "How can I help him?"

Oh, don't you see? That's part of his plan.

He's like a mind-game genius, that guy.

You know, you may not care that I put my job on the line

to get you hired, but you moved your family 1,000 miles for this.

You've got to pull yourself together.

We're just washing our hands.

I just put him down for a nap. I'm desperate for a little grownup talk.

- Did DePalma come back to you? - Yeah, we got a court date.

No, no, no, the other file.

Honey, I'm so sorry. It's crazy here.

- Can I call you later? - Sure.

Tom, wait up. Sorry about that back there.

- Rough times, huh? - Yeah.

Hey, looks like someone could use a good listener, buddy, huh?

I just don't think I fit into this place, Manny.

- I've been there, man. - You?

You are Sunburst. What are you talking about?

You think so, huh?

The second I bought this little guy, it made me feel a whole lot more hip.

- Want to try it on? - No, no,

why don't you keep it? Because that's yours.

It's not really a hipness thing. I just...

I'm not getting along with Chip at all

and that's really starting to mess up my relationship with my wife.

Well, I think today's your lucky day.

- I'm studying to be a marriage counselor. - Really?

Sofia, remember that the laughter

starts deep within

and then just comes ro-ho-ho-ho-olling out.

Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, I really only laugh

when something funny happens.

I've noticed that Oliver isn't very happy.

- He never smiles. - He smiles all the time.

He just isn't smiling right now.

Now you're not gonna like this, Sofia,

but you are a very unhappy person,

and I don't think it's good for Oliver.

You're not going to like this either, Abby, but you're an idiot.

And your son Petey is a dipshit.

It's okay.

I know, sweetie. Here.

Let's start by taking

a nice deep breath.

Just relax, okay?

Mom!

Mom, answer the phone!

So sorry. Mom!

Answer the phone and don't come down here. I'm having a session.

Many of the exercises I'm studying are a little new age-y,

so I hope you guys'll just trust me and roll with it.

- Sure. - Sure, Manny.

Great. Let's start by...

holding each other's genitals.

- Okay, I'm leaving. - What?!

- No, not holding, poking. - You're not poking anything.

Baby, he's kidding. Tell me you're kidding.

I'm kidding. Just want to lighten the mood, that's all.

- Lightening the mood. Come on. - That's all it is.

Okay, you know what? Don't sit down. I've got an exercise.

This is called "I'm upset that..."

It's a great way to get to the root of hurt feelings.

You'll each complete the sentence, "I'm upset that..."

and then tap each other with the bat, okay?

Sofia, you go first.

I'm upset that you bought that mountain bike.

Now tap him. Boom.

Good. Tom.

I'm upset that...

we haven't had sex in a long time.

I'm upset that you didn't get the chance to have an 8-Ib. baby

shoot out of your vagina. Maybe then you'd understand.

Good. That's great.

I'm upset that you banged Chip!

- You banged Chip? - No.

- Yes. - I'm upset that you told him I banged Chip.

Ow!

You're not supposed to hit people in the face.

I'm upset that you talked me into coming here!

Don't hit me anymore please.

Please don't hit me anymore.

No, that was helpful.

Look what I grabbed on the way out.

I love you so much.

- I love you too. - But are you happy?

You can tell me.

I--

Wait, that might be the babysitter.

Hello.

So I'm looking through the 1989 "Tiger's Paw"

and I see a picture of a very pretty girl in a Yaz t-shirt.

Yeah, you know what? I can't really talk right now. Can I call you back later?

"Chipwich,

thanks for making the last four years so awesome.

2 cool 2B 4-gotten."

Boy, those words have gotten me through some pretty tough times.

I got you.

Got you now, you freak.

Oh my God.

Tom-- Tom is a man with vision, and I want him in that meeting.

Take this down to video tech first thing in the morning.

- Yes. - I want them to put the tag on it

- and then make dubs. - Dubs.

Okay, all right.

Careful.

Hey, hey, buddy!

Just the man I wanted to see!

We're going to do that cool hamburger trick again, buddy.

- I can't. - What are you talking about? Sure you can.

- I don't eat meat anymore. - What?

I saw this show yesterday about how they made meat.

It's all about killing animals.

- You became a vegetarian yesterday? - Yeah. So what?

All right, cool, whatever. We'll get you a veggie burger.

- Nah. - Wesley, you'll get to be famous.

Like Harry Potter or Urkel.

Tom, it's not gonna happen. End of discussion.

- Don't be an idiot, Wesley. Give it to me. - It's mine!

Now you'll get it back when you eat a hamburger.

- Hey, come here! - Help!

Wesley. Wesley!

Wesley, I'm not done talking to you!

Can I help you?

Hey...

I just moved in next door.

Nice to meet you. Just talking to Wesley. He's great.

- Tom. - Yeah.

Were you just yelling at Wesley?

I need you to talk to that kid.

His priorities are out of line.

- What are you talking about? - I accidentally taped over

the video of Wesley. We got to get him to eat another burger.

Honey, if he doesn't want to do it, find somebody else.

Sure, honey. I'll just get one of the other kids on the block

who can swallow a hamburger in one bite.

I'm sure there's not a gag reflex on the block.

Okay, you gotta calm down. You're acting crazy.

I'm acting crazy? That little twerp--

Could you get that?

Hi. I believe your husband

has my son's skateboard.

And now they're gonna make me out to be the bad guy.

Unbelievable.

Let's open up some windows over there.

Tom, you are not going to believe this.

Bob left the Wesley tape on his desk and we lost it.

Ah-ah! No shoes on the prayer mat.

We found the culprit.

Somebody left the bulb touching a stack of paper.

Damn it!

Jesus Christ, Bob.

- It was just an accident. - No, no, no, no.

It's been a series of mistakes, Tom.

Earlier this week, he cost us a major account.

Could have been the next Smith & Hawken.

Don, I can fix this.

I can fix it. All I got to do is get Wesley on tape again.

Trust me. I can fix it.

Go for help now. Go!

I'm not gonna hurt you, Wesley.

I just want to talk to you.

Look what I got.

$1,000 from my very own bank account, huh?

For you! What do you say?

My lawyer said I can't talk to you, dude.

- Your lawyer? - Hey, get away from the kids!

- Get away from the kids! - I'm just talking to him!

Get away from the kids!

- Come on, pick 'em up! - What, are you crazy?!

I know. I can't believe it either.

I will.

Wait, Mom. Tom just got home. Let me call you right back.

My dad got fired.

What?

I told him to wait. I was going to fix everything.

He got blamed for some kind of fire.

Oh my God. It's not about that.

You see, the Wesley video got destroyed in the fire, so--

The Wesley video?

What?

You told me you taped over the Wesley video.

I know, and what I'm trying to explain to you

is that it wasn't one thing.

But Wollebin knows that the tape thing wasn't my dad's fault, right?

Sofia, it's a very complicated situation.

Did you tell him or not? Yes or no?

- It wouldn't have made a difference! - I don't believe you.

You know what, Sofia?

If you'd helped me get Wesley to redo the video instead of taking his side,

- none of this would have happened. - Are you insane?

Your dad was gonna get fired anyway!

Do you want me to volunteer to get fired too? I tried to fix it.

It didn't work. I'm sorry.

I'm doing all of this for you, Sofia.

Everything. You have it so easy.

You get to hang out with Oliver all day

You think I like what I'm doing?

You think I like that stupid job? I hate it!

I am completely miserable!

- Sofia. - I'm going to my parents'.

Call me when you calm down.

Sweet ride, Tom. And I thought this thing was a poon magnet.

What the hell are you doing here, Chip?

I was just in the neighborhood.

Did I see Sofia leaving with a suitcase?

- Don't worry about it. - Is it work, Tom?

'Cause I have heard that you've blown your way through quite a few jobs,

and the one thing about women is that they can smell failure a mile away.

- It's not work, okay? - Is it sexual?

Is there a midget living in the basement?

If there is, they are selling the pump on the internet,

- but I do not know if it works. - I don't need a pump.

The thought of Sofia alone and vulnerable-- I don't like it.

I swear to God, Chip, if you go anywhere near my wife, I will--

What are you gonna do, Tom? You gonna catch us on your hidden camera?

How do you know about that?

Let's drag.

How do you know about that?!

Chip.

I could not make it up the steps.

Hope, I'm not imposing.

Son of a bitch.

Chip.

- Here you go. - Thank you so much.

you know, Bob,

I have to tell you...

That when I first heard the news, I couldn't help it.

I cried.

Bless you, Chip.

I've been going to that place for so long,

I'll probably go back tomorrow out of instinct.

Chip, you should stay for dinner.

- Wouldn't want to intrude. - You wouldn't be intruding.

Sofia. Didn't know you were here.

Yeah.

Absolutely incredible, Chipper.

Well, it's not easy swimming with just your arms,

Especially when the water's just 38�.

I can't believe you're still alive.

Always been a risk taker, Sofia.

I do like to test the limits.

Chip, you fill this house with warmth,

and believe me, we need that right now.

It isn't just that Bob got fired,

but Tom and Sofia are having a really--

- Mom. Mom! - Well, you have.

- Food was delicious. - It was.

Wasn't it?

- Anyway. - Anyway, I rented a movie.

I've got it in my saddlebag.

I was gonna go home, watch it alone.

Love to share it, if you guys are up to it.

- You want to see a movie? - Sure, Chip.

Make yourself comfortable.

I have some things to do in the bathroom.

Okay.

I want you.

- What do I do? - Everything.

That's me.

Sofia, I need to talk to you.

Listen, you have every right to be upset with me.

- Sweetie, I'm not angry. - Let me finish. Let me finish, okay?

I finally figured it out.

I didn't put the wrong tape in the camera.

- Chip switched it. - What?

I was right all along, baby. He's been trying to sabotage me since day one

and now I have proof. You can see his face

- in the reflection of my computer monitor. - Hi, Tom.

What's he doing here? What are you doing with my son?

- Get the baby away from him! - Tom, cool it!

Why don't you take the baby?

Did you come over here to get with my wife, Hot Wheels?

- Tom! - Hot Wheels?

Chip came over 'cause he heard Dad got fired.

And how did that happen? The same way my chair got shorter?

The same way gay porn got put on my computer?

You had everybody fooled, didn't you,

- you "cripple"? - Tom!

- That's enough. - "Poor me! I'm in a wheelchair!

Everybody feel sorry for me and have sex with me 'cause I can't use my legs."

Or can he?

He can walk. I have proof.

What's that?

Get up, you faker.

You can walk. Let's show them how you walk.

Tom, stop it! What are you doing?

- Tom, what are you doing? - He plays tennis.

Tom, you're gonna hurt him!

- Dad, do something! - Come on!

Tom, have you lost your mind?

- Tom, what are you doing? - Tom, the man can't walk!

- Oh, yeah? Let's find out! - Oh, no!

- He's dead! - I'm okay.

This isn't Chip. It's Danny.

- Danny? - He's Chip's twin brother!

He died in an accident about five years ago.

He was my hero.

Tom, get down here! Out of the house!

- Out of the house! Out! - Tom!

I found-- I found it!

- I saw his-- - Tom, out!

I saw his reflection in my computer monitor.

- Out! - Out!

God's sakes, Tom, what the hell is the matter with you?

You just threw a disabled man down a flight of stairs.

Moushiwake, Bob.

Obviously I was wrong about the cripple thing.

But he's the one responsible for you getting fired.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You could have just killed him.

Sofia.

I think you should go.

Ow!

Stupid--

- Are you sure you're okay? - I'm fine.

What I'm really worried about is you.

I can tell that you're not happy,

and I think that it might be

because you're on the wrong track.

I don't-- I don't know.

Maybe it's because you're still looking

for something that you haven't found yet.

You know, I mean...

I know that I am.

You know, I mean, everybody thinks that I've got everything, you know?

The Ohio Advertiser of the Year

and probably be hired to go to Barcelona soon,

But I don't have anybody I can share that with, you know?

And the one person

that really does it for me

is a girl that I met back in high school.

We are the Tigers

and we're not cocky.

We'll run you... Kawasaki. You know what I mean?

I've still got your panties from that time that--

Okay, Chip. It's time to go.

Okay, it's tough to hear. I get it.

Stay the hell away from my wife, Chip.

I got a news flash for you, sparky:

Your wife's gone. She's way out of your league,

and she's finally realized it, okay? It's over.

Easy! Huh?

You think I can't defend myself just 'cause I'm in a wheelchair?

No, I know hapkido!

That's for stealing my yogurt, douche.

See you at school tomorrow!

Don't cry, Mom.

I don't even know how to take care of my own family.

What are you talking about? Of course you do.

No, I don't.

You always knew what to do.

You made it look so easy.

I thought I could just copy you.

But I just-- I can't figure it out.

I don't know what I'm doing.

No-- honey, nobody knows what they're doing.

There's nothing to figure out.

Right.

It's okay, honey.

Mommy's here.

Mam� est� aqu�.

Hello.

- Is this se�or Chip Sanders? - What?

My name is Juan Castaneda de los Cojones del Mono.

I am the executive vice president of Idea,

the ad agency in Barcelona.

You sent to us your r�sum�.

Yes! Hello. Hola. Como esta?

Very good. Thank you very much. Will you indulge me,

please, sir, for one moment and allow me to say

to you that your work is absolutely genius?

Se�or tomato is, in a word, spectacular.

Yes, yes. Thank you. Gracias.

You are very welcome. I come to the point.

You, sir, are being chosen for the position

of Director Creativo.

Can you fly to Barcelona immediamente, please?

Sure! S�, gracias.

Super. Definitivamente.

Tom, Wollebin here.

We set up a meeting with that Wesley kid,

but you probably know all about it, seeing as your wife is his lawyer.

Screw it. I'm gonna send Chip.

Shit!

Bob.

- Have you seen Sofia? - No, I went to Best Buy.

When I got back, she was gone. You all right?

Bob, there's something I have to tell you.

The Wesley tape wasn't destroyed in the fire.

I accidentally taped over it.

Sofia told me last night.

I told her the same thing I'll say to you:

The only person responsible

for me losing my job is me.

I also started the fire.

It was an accident.

I wasn't aware.

Are you okay?

I bent over backwards to sell Wollebin's vision,

and I, you know...

I knew in the back of my mind it was bullshit.

- It is bullshit, Bob. - It is.

- Screw him. - Screw him!

Screw him!

You're all right, kid.

You're all right.

Sofia's getting ice cream with Chip

- at Eddie's Sweets. - Thank you, Bob.

- Oh, Jesus, Tom! You gotta take a shower. - I'm sorry.

Go get her, son!

Hey, five bucks to whoever can knock that tool off his bike!

These rims aren't supposed to bend.

Okay, Wesley.

You just sign there at the bottom of the paper.

You're about to be a very rich young man, okay?

Try not to get the fudge on the contract.

- Don't do it, Wesley. - Oh, good. Tom's here.

Tom, what happened to you?

Will everyone just please listen to me for one second?

Okay, Sofia, Wesley,

Wesley's dad.

Sofia...

I know on paper I'm not the most ideal husband.

I'm selfish, I can't hold down a job,

And I think I may have turned your father into a problem drinker.

Still, one thing you said you loved about me

is that I could smell bullshit a mile away.

Well, this guy, Sofia, is stuffed full of bullshit.

And what he wants more than anything in the world is to break us up.

You have to believe me.

What I realize now is that you and Oliver

are the only things in this entire world that matter to me.

Am I the only one hearing violins?

- Baby, I can't lose you. - Tom--

Hello.

Hola, se�or. Uno momento, por favor.

This is my dream job in Spain, okay?

They're calling to make the final travel arrangements.

It's the actual reason that I came.

I don't really care much about Wesley.

Hey, uncool.

Less words.

I have one question. Sofia-- Sese--

do I have them buy me one plane ticket to Spain...

or dos?

You know what, Chip? I think you're weird and creepy,

And if you think I'd ever choose you over the love of my life,

you're the most delusional man on the face of the earth.

That'd be uno. Gracias.

Thank you.

Sweetie, you couldn't lose me if you tried.

And you've been trying pretty hard lately.

Great. Momento.

I guess this is adi�s.

Sofia, you should know the night that we made love, I faked my orgasm.

Tom, you are never gonna beat me,

and I'm gonna send you a great little thong shot from Barcelona.

Se�or, if it's all the same with you,

I'd like to travel today.

Of course, se�or Chip. Yes, absolutely.

I will have Barcelona's longest limousine awaiting your arrival.

Fant�stico.

- Everything worked out. - Sure did.

Moushiwake, Chip.

- For what? - I just wanted to say it one last time.

Little help?

I know you consider yourself more of a mango man, buddy,

but I switched it up today. Could you tell?

What flavor is that? What flavor is that?

It's chutney.

I'm just kidding. It's banana.

Also, you know what you'd probably like?

I mixed in a little of this new formula

which I found in Hoboken.

They say it's good stuff.

- Hey, babe. - Hey, fatso.

What are the men folk up to today?

The men-- we men...

are gonna go to Coney Island with Paco.

'Cause I think it's important

that he be exposed to carnies at a young age.

- Hey, babe? - Yeah?

I got breakfast in the oven. Be ready in 15 minutes.

- I really can't be late. - Chocolate croissant.

What's 15 minutes?

I know how we can spend six of those minutes.

Six minutes-- you really think you can last that long?

If I think about Rosie O'Donnell,

I could last seven and a half.

What do you think of that?

So make sure that you understand, when you're chopping things up

in the way that those people to the north of Italy...

...that they don't mind chopping...

That's the kid. Let's go.

People are out of their minds.

Hey, Tom! You gotta come see this guy.

- What? - You missed it.

Let's go, man.