All language subtitles for Queer as Folk - Season 1 Episode 1

BY THE WAY, THAT'S ME,
6'1", 46-INCH CHEST,

16-INCH BICEPS,
28-INCH WAIST.

A VERITABLE GOD...

I WISH.

OKAY, THAT'S ME.

MICHAEL NOVOTNY,
THE SEMI-CUTE "BOY
NEXT DOOR" TYPE.

29, 5'10", 140,
9-1/2 CUT; ALL RIGHT,
SO I EXAGGERATE,

BUT LIKE, WHO'S TOLD
THE TRUTH SINCE THEY
INVENTED CYBERSEX?

[ ?????? ]

WHEN DID '70s NIGHT
BECOME '80s NIGHT?

I REMEMBER
THIS SONG FROM
HIGH SCHOOL.

TALK ABOUT
FEELING ANCIENT.

SPEAK FOR YOUR-
SELF, HONEY, I
WAS A MERE CHILD.

Michael: [ Narrating ]
THOSE ARE
MY TWO BUDDIES,
TED AND EMMETT.

GIVE ME THOSE
DIVAS OF DISCO ANY
DAY. GLORIA GAYNOR.

DONNA SUMMER.

AND MISS ALISHA BRIDGES.

?? I LOVE THE NIGHT LIFE ??
OH!

All:
?? I LIKE TO BOOGIE ??

?? ON THE DISCO FLOOR ??

?? AH-H-H-H ??

O-OH...
MY GOD.

HAVE YOU EVER
SEEN ANYTHING
MORE BEAUTIFUL?

VENICE,
AT SUNSET.

FINE, YOU
GO DOWN THE
GRAND CANAL,

I'LL GO
DOWN ON HIM.

O-OH-H-H!

Michael: [ Narrating ]
EMMETT CAN BE
A LITTLE CAMPY.

OKAY, A LOT CAMPY.
BUT YOU GOT TO ADMIT,

IT TAKES REAL GUTS
TO BE A QUEEN IN A WORLD
FULL OF COMMONERS.

THE PROBLEM
WITH PERFECTION

IS ITS INABILITY
TO RECOGNIZE

ANYTHING LESS
PERFECT THAN ITSELF.

IN OTHER WORDS,
YOU HIT ON HIM

AND HE TURNED
YOU DOWN.

YEAH.

Michael: [ Narrating ]
TED'S THIS REALLY
SMART GUY AND HE'S
GOT A REALLY BIG HEART.

ONLY, NOBODY HERE
IS INTERESTED IN THE
SIZE OF THAT ORGAN.

WHY AM I WASTING MY TIME

STARING AT A BUNCH OF
OVER-PUMPED PRINCESSES

WITH IQs SMALLER
THAN THEIR WAIST...

JESUS, LOOK
AT HIM.

Michael: [ Narrating ]
LIKE I SAID, IT'S
ALL ABOUT SEX.

EXCEPT WHEN
YOU'RE HAVING IT.

AND THEN IT'S ALL
ABOUT, "WILL HE STAY?"
"WILL HE GO?"

"HOW AM I DOING?"
"WHAT AM I DOING?"

UNLESS, OF
COURSE, YOU'RE...

BRIAN KINNEY.

AND THEN IT'S, "WHO GIVES
A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK?

YOU'RE LUCKY
TO HAVE ME."

[ ?????? ]

I'LL GET BRIAN.

[ ?????? ]

Two men:
[ Moans of
passion ]

HEY, TODD,
HOW'S IT GOING?
FINE.

[ ?????? ]

WE NEED TO GO.

WE WANT
TO EAT.

I'M JUST GOING
TO GIVE HIM
MY NUMBER.

WHAT'D YOU DO, WRITE
IT ON YOUR DICK?

HOW LONG IS THIS
GOING TO TAKE?

10 MINUTES, TOPS.

[ Sigh ]

[ Mixed chatter/
laughter ]

HMM, BRUNO.

LO-OVE YOUR OUTFIT.

NOT EVERYONE CAN
WEAR TANGERINE.

HOW LONG ARE WE
GOING TO WAIT?
I'VE GOT TO WORK
IN THE MORNING.

WHO DOESN'T?
HE SAID HE'D
BE RIGHT OUT.

YEAH, WE'VE ALL
HEARD THAT BEFORE.

THIS IS SOME GREAT
SYSTEM HE'S GOT.

HE GETS TO
PARTY ALL NIGHT
AND YOU DRIVE
HIM HOME.

IT'S NO BIG
DEAL, OKAY?

HMM. DON'T LOOK
NOW BUT, UH,

SOMEBODY'S
WATCHING.

OH, HIM. HE HAS
BEEN CRUISING
ME ALL NIGHT.

HMM, PLAYING
HARD TO GET.

I LOVE THAT
IN A MAN.

NOT PLAYING, JUST
NOT INTERESTED.

CHECK OUT THAT
BUBBLE BUTT.

AND THAT BASKET.

ENOUGH IN THERE FOR
THE BIG, BAD WOLF.

WOULD YOU
QUIT STARING?

THERE'S MORE
TO A GUY THAN
HIS COCK SIZE.

HMM.

Man:
LOOK AT THAT!

OR HIS PERFECTLY
SHAPED ASS.

WHICH IS WHY
YOU READ ALL
THOSE COMIC BOOKS

WITH THOSE SUPER-
HEROES IN THEIR
LITTLE TIGHTS...

FOR THE PLOT.

I TOLD YOU,
I AM NOT INTERESTED.

MAYBE JUST FOR ONCE
YOU SHOULD BE.

SHOW A CERTAIN
SOMEONE

HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN SCORE.

[ ?????? ]

?? I'VE GOT A DEEPER LOVE
DEEPER LOVE ??

?? I'VE GOT A DEEPER LOVE
DEEP DEEPER LOVE ??

?? I'VE GOT A DEEPER LOVE
DEEP DEEPER LOVE ??

?? I'VE GOT A DEEPER LOVE
DEEP DEEPER LOVE ??

[ ?????? ]

'SCUSE ME.

UH, COULD YOU
TELL ME, LIKE,

WHERE'S A GOOD
PLACE TO GO?

DEPENDS
WHAT YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR.

YOU WANT
TWINKIES,
GO TO BOYTOY.

YOU WANT LEATHER,
GO TO THE MEATHOOK.

IF YOU WANT SNOTTY,
CONCEITED ASSHOLES

WHO THINK THEY'RE
BETTER THAN EVERYBODY
ELSE, TRY PISTOL.

IT'S KIND OF
LATE TO BE OUT,
THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

ESPECIALLY ON
A SCHOOL NIGHT.

WHY DON'T YOU
COME HOME WITH
ME, HMM?

NO THANKS.
HUH!

GO ON HOME
TO YOUR MOMMY.

GO ON.

[ Mixed chatter ]

THAT WAS QUICK.

WELL, WHEN YOU'VE
HAD AS MUCH PRAC-
TICE AS HE'S HAD...

I GOT BORED.

I KNOW. GETTING
YOUR DICK SUCKED
CAN BESOTEDIOUS.

WELL, HE LOOKED
PRETTY HOT TO ME.

Brian:
ANYBODY WOULD
LOOK HOT TO YOU.

[ ?????? ]

Michael: [ Narrating ]
AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED.

WHENHECAME ALONG.

[ ?????? ]

HOW'S IT GOING?

HAD A
BUSY NIGHT?

JUST, UH, CHECK-
ING OUT THE
BARS, YOU KNOW?

BOYTOY,
MEATHOOK.

THE MEATHOOK.
REALLY?

SO YOU'RE
INTO LEATHER?

SURE.

WHERE
YOU HEADED?

NO PLACE SPECIAL.

I CAN CHANGE THAT.

HEY!

HEY! WHAT
ABOUT US?

YOU CAN RIDE
WITH TED.

THANKS A LOT.
ASSHOLE!

WELL, IF IT ISN'T
MISS RIDING HOOD
AND HER BIG BASKET.

Michael:
FIND SOMEONE ELSE
TO STALK, I'M
NOT INTERESTED.

GO HOME.

COMING IN?

HUH?
OH, YEAH.

SHUT THE DOOR.

THIS IS A...
REALLY NICE PLACE.

I LIKE YOUR KITCHEN.

DO YOU LIKE SPECIAL K?

IT'S OKAY.
I LIKE CHEERIOS BETTER.

I DON'T MEAN THE KIND
YOU EAT WITH BANANAS.

MY DISCO-PHARMACOLOGIST
COOKS THIS UP FOR ME.

I'M REALLY ALLERGIC
TO A LOT OF DRUGS.

THE DOCTOR
GAVE ME
PENICILLIN ONCE,

NEARLY KILLED ME.

AND...

TYLENOL.
TYLENOL?

NO ONE'S ALLERGIC TO
TYLENOL. TYLENOL'S
WHAT THEY GIVE YOU

WHEN YOU'RE ALLERGIC
TO EVERYTHING ELSE.

OH.

WELL, UH, CODEINE.
CODEINE'S THE WORST.

LIKE,
I GET DIARRHEA

AND START VOMITING
UNCONTROLLABLY
AT THE SAME TIME.

WELL, WE'LL MAKE SURE
AND KEEP THAT ONE
ON THE TOP SHELF.

OUT OF REACH.

SO, ARE YOU
COMING OR GOING?

?? BOY ??

OR COMING AND THEN GOING?

OR COMING
AND STAYING?

?? BOY ??

[ ?????? ]

?? MAN ??
?? MAN ??

?? BOY ??
?? BOY ??

?? MAN ??
?? MAN ??

?? TOY ??
?? BOY ??

?? MAN ??
?? MAN ??

?? BOY ??
?? BOY ??

?? MAN ??
?? MAN ??

?? TOY ??
?? BOY ??

?? TURN AROUND ??

?
?? STAND UP LIKE A MAN
AND LOOK ME IN THE EYE ?

?? TURN AROUND ??

?? TAKE ONE FINAL LOOK AT
WHAT YOU'VE LEFT BEHIND ??

[ Gasp ]
?? THEN WALK AWAY ??

?? FROM THE GREATEST LOVER
YOU HAVE EVER KNOWN ??

?? YES WALK AWAY ??

?? YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT
YOU CAN MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN ??

?? BY YOURSELF ALL ALONE
WITHOUT MY HELP ??

?? MISTER, YOU JUST
MADE A BIG MISTAKE ??

?? YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN
BUT YOU'RE ONLY A BOY ??

?? YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN,
YOU ARE ONLY A TOY ??

?? YOU THINK YOU'RE A MAN
BUT YOU JUST COULDN'T SEE... ??

THANK YOU
FOR THE LIFT.

SEE YA. BYE.

Emmett:
OH MY GOD,
LOOK.

HE MUST HAVE
FOLLOWED US.

CHRIST, THAT'S
JUST WHAT I NEED.

Emmett:
HONEY, IT'S WHAT
WE ALL NEED.

HEY! WHEN WAS
THE LAST TIME
YOU GOT LAID?

MY POINT EXACTLY.

IF YOU CAN'T
REMEMBER, THEN
IT'S TIME.

NOW, WHERE ARE
YOUR MANNERS?

GO, UH, GO INVITE
THE GENTLEMAN IN

WHILE I MAKE
SURE NONE OF MY
FINE WASHABLES

ARE HANGING
IN THE TUB.

[ Breathing Heavily ]

[ Moaning ]

DON'T COME YET.

HAH, I'LL TRY.

[ Panting ]

STOP.

[ Sighing ]

SO, WHAT DO
YOU LIKE TO DO?

DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

WATCH TV,
PLAY TOMB RAIDER.

[ Chuckling ]
I MEAN IN BED.

OH.

THIS IS FINE.

ARE YOU A TOP
OR A BOTTOM?

TOP...
AND BOTTOM.

OH, YOU'RE
VERSATILE, THEN.

AND AMBIDEXTROUS...

WHICH WAS REALLY
CONFUSING AT FIRST

'CAUSE I COULD NEVER
FIGURE OUT WHICH
HAND TO THROW WITH.

DO YOU LIKE TO RIM?

SURE. I LOVE IT.

GREAT.

GO TO IT.

WELL?

UM, WHAT EXACTLY
DO YOU MEAN?

[ Ringing of telephone ]

YEAH?

WHAT?

[ Gasping ]

WHEN?

ARE YOU
KIDDING ME?

NO, OF COURSE
YOU'RE NOT
KIDDING ME. WHEN
DID IT HAPPEN?

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?

WELL, OF COURSE
I WAS OUT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

[ Gasp of climax ]
SHIT!

JESUS CHRIST!
I TOLD YOU
NOT TO.

I TRIED.
I'M SORRY.

ALL OVER MY NEW DUVET.
I TRIED.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

IT'LL WASH OUT,
WON'T IT?

I MEAN, YOU
SHOULD SEE MY
SHEETS AT HOME.

JUST SOME KID.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

JUSTIN.
JUSTIN.

I'LL BE
RIGHT THERE.

OOH, DON'T
MIND ME.

JUST, UH,
CAN'T SLEEP

WITHOUT MY MILK
AND OREOS.

THAT'S MY FRIEND EMMETT.
HE'S STAYING WITH ME
TEMPORARILY

SINCE THE HOOKER
WHO LIVED DOWN
THE HALL FROM HIM

BURNED HIS APART-
MENT BUILDING
DOWN TWO YEARS AGO.

TWO YEARS IS
A LONG TIME TO
BE TEMPORARY.

AND YET IT
HASN'T INTERFERED
WITH MY LOVE LIFE.

WHICH, I SUPPOSE,
SAYS A LOT ABOUT
MY LOVE LIFE.

DO YOU MIND IF
WE SKIP THE BACK
STORY AND CUT
TO THE CHASE?

IT'S ALMOST 2:00
IN THE MORNING.

YOU HAVE A
GREAT ASS.

OH YEAH?

SO DO YOU,
IT'S REALLY...

FIRM.

IT'S CALLED
"THE BUTT".

I GOT IT IN
A CATALOGUE.

[ Ringing of telephone ]

PARTS DEPARTMENT.

MELANIE CALLED.
IT'S HAPPENED.

WHAT? OH MY GOD! WHEN?

Brian: [ On telephone ]
I don't know, I had my
damn cell phone off.

I'M PICKING YOU
UP IN TWO MINUTES.

NOW? I...
KIND OF GOT
MY HANDS FULL.

"THE BULGE".

YOU ORDER BOTH,
YOU GET A DISCOUNT.

WHO'S THAT?

UH, NO ONE.

MIKEY, YOU'VE GOT
SOMEONE THERE WITH YOU.

I can't believe it.

YOU SHOULD
ONLY BE HERE.

Forget about it,
don't let me bother you.

FUCK THE SHIT
OUT OF HIM.

NO, WAIT. PICK ME
UP. I-I'M READY.

NOW.

WE GOING TO
DO THIS OR NOT?

I AM REALLY,
REALLY SORRY.

UM, A FRIEND OF
MINE NEEDS ME.

IT'S AN EMERGENCY.

SHIT. AFTER
ALL THAT?
I KNOW.

I PROMISE
WE'LL RESCHEDULE.

NO "IFS",
"ANDS" OR...

WHAT'S GOING ON?
EVERYTHING.

COME ON, GET UP.
YOU GOTTA GO.

WHERE?
HOME.

I CAN'T GO
HOME NOW. MY...

MY PARENTS THINK
I'M STAYING AT
A FRIEND'S.

YOU LIVE WITH
YOUR PARENTS?

WELL, I'M STILL
IN SCHOOL.

I MEAN, COLLEGE.

WHAT YEAR
ARE YOU IN?
JUNIOR.

SOPHOMORE. BETWEEN
MY JUNIOR AND
SOPHOMORE YEAR.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

21.

WHAT YEAR WERE YOU BORN?

1979.

BULLSHIT. YOU HAD
TO THINK BEFORE
YOU ANSWERED THAT.

HOW OLD ARE YOU REALLY?

20.

19.

18.

WELL WHAT IS THIS,
A MISSILE LAUNCH?

17.

[ Sigh ]

WHAT IS WITH
KIDS TODAY?

WE JUST WANT TO
GET LAID LIKE
EVERYBODY ELSE.

HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN WITH
ANYONE BEFORE?

SURE.

WELL, NOT
EXACTLY.

THIS IS SORT OF MY FIRST.

I FIGURED.

KIND OF YOUNG,
AREN'T YOU?

WELL, I WAS 14
MY FIRST TIME.

THAT'S REALLY YOUNG.

WITH MY GYM TEACHER.

I BET HE WAS
SOME OLD PERV.

THAT OLD PERV WAS
PROBABLY THE SAME
AGE THAT I AM NOW.

IT WAS AFTER
SCHOOL IN THE
LOCKER ROOMS.

HE WAS TAKING A SHOWER.

I WENT BACK
FOR SOMETHING.

A BOOK, MY JOCKSTRAP,

I DON'T REMEMBER.

ANYWAY, THERE
HE WAS ALL NAKED
SOAPING HIMSELF.

HE SAW
ME THERE,

A BIG BONER
UNDER MY CHINOS.

SHIT. I WALKED RIGHT
INTO THE SHOWERS

WITH ALL MY CLOTHES ON.

[ Snort ]
NO.

GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES

AND SUCKED HIM
OFF RIGHT THERE.

HE LET YOU?

LET ME?

HE LOVED IT.

I BET YOU WERE SCARED.

WELL, I GUESS WE'RE
ALL A LITTLE SCARED
OUR FIRST TIME.

BUT I DON'T
REMEMBER ANY MORE.

[ Honking of car horn ]

[ Squealing of tires ]

YOU BROUGHT HIM?

HE'S GOT NO-
WHERE TO GO.

GET IN.

Michael:
JEEZ!

[ ?????? ]

OH, MY GOD.

SAY HELLO
TO YOUR SON.

[ Cooing of baby ]

WELL, GO ON.

WHEN DID
IT START?

AROUND 7:00.

SIX HOURS LATER,
THERE HE WAS.

OH, I WISH I COULD
HAVE BEEN HERE.

HOW OFTEN DO I
GET TO SEE SNATCH?

LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.

I GUESS HE MUST
BE MINE THEN.

WANT TO HOLD HIM?

OKAY, CAREFUL.
DON'T DROP HIM.

THAT'S JUST WHAT
I WAS PLANNING
ON DOING.

[ Crying of baby ]

WE'VE BEEN
THINKING OF NAMES.

MEL WANTS TO CALL
HIM ABRAHAM AFTER
HER GRANDFATHER,

BUT I LIKE GUS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU WOULDN'T SURVIVE
A DAY AT SCHOOL
BEING NAMED ABRAHAM.

BUT I GUESS
GUS IS OKAY.

HAH, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH, AND WHO
THE HELL ARE YOU?

HIS NAME'S J...

JUSTIN.

YOU WERE ON THE
PHONE WHEN HE SHOT
HIS LOAD ALL OVER ME.

[ Groans of disgust ]

OH, BRIAN!

Brian:
HE CAN'T
HELP IT.

HE'S ONLY 17.

SO, YOU AND
LINDSAY EACH HAD
AN INFANT TONIGHT.

YEAH, BUT MINE DOESN'T
SUCK ON MY TITS.

NOT UNLESS I WANT HIM TO.

"GUS". IT'S A
GOOD BUTCH NAME.

COME ON, GUS,

GIVE YOUR DADDY A SMILE.

[ Clicking of camera ]

[ Crying of baby ]

Michael:
IT'S DISGUSTING,
ALL THOSE LESBIANS

FAWNING OVER HIM AND
MAKING GOO-GOO TALK.

THAT'S WHAT WOMEN
DO OVER BABIES.

WHO'S TALKING
ABOUT THE BABY?
I MEAN JUSTIN.

IT'S KIND OF
WEIRD, YOU
HAVING A KID.

STILL, IT'S EXCITING,
ISN'T IT?

WHAT? HAVING SOME
WRINKLED LITTLE TIME-
CLOCK TICKING AWAY?

REMINDING YOU THAT
YOU'RE GETTING OLDER
BY THE MINUTE.

BY THE SECOND?

KEEP THINKING LIKE THAT
YOU'RE GOING TO END
UP PREMATURELY GRE-EY.

OH, I THINK
I SEE ONE.

OW!

WHY DIDN'T SOMEBODY
TRY AND STOP ME?

HELLO?
SOMEBODY DID.

BUT YOU WOULDN'T
LISTEN. YOU HAD
TO LET LINDSAY

FILL YOUR HEAD
WITH ALL HER
BULLSHIT FLATTERY.

"OH, BRIAN,
YOU'RE SO
GOOD LOOKING.

OH, OH, BRIAN,
Y-Y-YOU'RE
SO SMART.

OH, OH, YOU'VE
GOT SUCH GREAT
GENES, BRIAN,

AND I DON'T MEAN
YOUR 501s."

AND NOW YOU'RE
STUCK WITH A KID.

FOR LIFE.

WELL THERE
IS ALWAYS ONE
SOLUTION.

I COULD END IT
ALL RIGHT NOW.

OH, THAT'D BE DRAMATIC.

JUST LIKE "ER",
BIRTH AND DEATH IN
THE SAME EPISODE.

NOW GET DOWN!

WELL, YOU'LL HAVE
TO COME GET ME...

I'M SERIOUS.
STOP CLOWNING.

OR I'LL JUMP!

?? I CAN FEEL MY
SOUL ASCENDING ??

?? I'M ON MY WAY ??

?? CAN'T STOP ME NOW ??

?? AND YOU CAN
DO THE SAME ??

?? YEAH ??

?? WHAT HAVE
YOU DONE TODAY ??

?? TO MAKE YOU
FEEL PROUD ??

?? IT'S NEVER TOO
LATE TO TRY... ??

COME ON, MIKEY,
LET'S FLY.

LIKE IN ALL
THOSE COMIC BOOKS.

I'M SUPERMAN.

I'LL SHOW
YOU THE WORLD.

WHY AM I ALWAYS
LOIS LANE?

??
?? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TODAY

?? TO MAKE YOU FEEL PROUD ??

[ ?????? ]

?? STILL SO MANY ANSWERS ??

?? I DON'T KNOW... ??

CONGRATULATIONS...

DAD.

?? ...REALIZE THAT
TO QUESTION ??

?? IS HOW WE GROW ??

?? TO QUESTION
IS TO GROW ??

?? SO I STEP OUT
OF THE ORDINARY ??

?? I CAN FEEL MY
SOUL ASCENDING ??

SORRY.

HONESTLY.

FUCKED HIM.

YOU DID NOT,
YOU LOOKED AT HIM.

THAT MAY
APPEAR TO BE
WHAT HAPPENED,

BUT WE DID
IT ALL.

OH YEAH, AND
HOW WAS HE?

FABULOUS.

WANT ONE?
NO.

MORE FOR ME.

LISTEN, YOU'RE
GOING TO GO
SAY GOODNIGHT
TO LINDSAY,

YOU'RE GOING
TO GO HOME,
GO TO BED

AND GET UP AND
GO TO WORK FOR
THE NEXT 20 YEARS
TO SUPPORT YOUR KID.

Woman:
YOU SEE THIS
LINE, HOW
DEEP IT IS?

THAT MEANS YOU'RE
VERY CREATIVE.

THAT'S TRUE. I WANT
TO BE A CARTOONIST OR
A COMPUTER ANIMATOR.

IT'S FAR TOO
LESBIANIC OUT HERE
FOR A YOUNG BOY.

OUT.

I'LL MEET
YOU OUT FRONT.

Nurse:
I'M SORRY, SIR,
YOU'LL HAVE TO
COME BACK TOMORROW.

THE MOTHER
NEEDS HER REST.

AND SO DOES THE FATHER.

IT'S OKAY, NURSE.

SWEET DREAMS,
SONNY BOY.

FIRST NIGHT
ON EARTH.

HON, COULD YOU
GET ME SOME ICE

AND MAYBE SOME-
THING FIZZY?

HOW ABOUT
SOME GINGER ALE?

UH, ANYTHING FOR YOU?

UH, IF YOU SEE
ANY AMYL NITRATE
LAYING AROUND.

ALONE AT LAST.

CAREFUL.

WELL, HERE
WE ARE.

MA AND PA.

[ Crying ]

HEY.

DON'T MIND ME,

JUST FEELING
A LITTLE...
VULNERABLE.

[ Laughing ]

I PROMISE
NOT TO TELL.

WHO WOULD
HAVE THOUGHT?

YOU AND ME.

PARENTS.

IT'S PRETTY
SCARY, BOYS
AND GIRLS.

THINK IT'S
TOO LATE TO
RETURN IT?

WE COULD TRY.

OHH.

I GUESS THIS MEANS
WE'RE FINALLY GROWN-UPS.

"DON'T SAY
THAT, WENDY,

WE'LL NEVER
GROW UP."

DON'T BE SCARED.

HELL, IF OUR
PARENTS COULD
FUCK UP, SO CAN WE.

[ Sighing ]

I DON'T WANT
YOU TO WORRY.

ABOUT MONEY,
I MEAN.

IF YOU NEED
ANYTHING...

NO, WE'LL
BE ALL RIGHT.

BUT THANKS.

I WOULD'VE FUCKED
YOU, YOU KNOW?

OH!

IF I WASN'T AFRAID
YOUR LOVER'D BEAT
THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

STOP.

I MEAN IT.

SHE COULD TAKE OUT
OSCAR DE LA RENTA.

YOU MEAN LA HOYA.

WHATEVER.

WELL, YOU HAD
PLENTY OF CHANCES.

AND I TOOK
ADVANTAGE OF A
FEW, IF I RECALL.

IT WASN'T HALF BAD.

NOW YOU TELL ME?

YOU MEAN I COULD
HAVE BEEN STRAIGHT
THIS WHOLE TIME?

I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

WELL THEN I GUESS
IT'S JUST AS WELL.

ICE?

TICK-TICK-TICK.

TICK.

TICK. TICK.

TICK.

WHAT ARE
YOU DOING?

I'M JUST
REPEATING THE
FIRST WORDS

MY SONNY BOY
SAID TO ME.

IT WASN'T "DA-DA".

IT WAS TICK-
TICK-TICK-TICK.

SMART LITTLE
FUCKER.

HE CAN TELL
TIME ALREADY.

BRIAN, WHAT DID YOU TAKE?

?? A-B-C-D-E-E-E ??

I'M JUST TEACHING
MY KID THE ALPHABET.

?? EXHALE SLOWLY ??

I'M GOING
TO FUCK YOU.

I'M GOING TO FUCK
YOU ALL NIGHT.

[ Panting ]

[ Screeching of tires ]

SHIT!

SORRY, I DIDN'T WANT
TO HIT THAT DOGGIE.

FUCK THE
DOGGIE.

OKAY, BOY WONDER.

I'M TAKING YOU HOME.
WHERE DO I TURN?

HE'S GOING WITH ME.

OH NO, HE'S NOT.

POP QUIZ.
NO TALKING.

HERE'S A QUESTION.
MULTIPLE CHOICE.

DO YOU WANT
TO COME HOME
WITH ME?

A: YES,

B: YES,

OR C: YES.

TICK, TICK, TICK.
TIME'S UP. PENCILS DOWN.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

NONE OF THE ABOVE.

HE'S GOING HOME.

I'M GOING
WITH HIM.

GOOD BOY.

YOU GET AN
"A" PLUS.

[ Panting ]

[ Gasping ]

NOW YOU KNOW
WHAT RIMMING IS.

HE CALLS ME, PRACTICALLY
BEGS ME TO GO WITH HIM,

KNOWING FULL WELL
I'M WITH SOMEONE

FOR THE FIRST
TIME IN I DON'T
KNOW HOW LONG.

SEVEN MONTHS,
TWO WEEKS AND THREE DAYS.

THANK YOU.

AND EVEN THOUGH
THE GUY WASN'T ALL
HE WAS CRACKED UP TO BE...

WE'LL LET THAT
REMARK PASS.

AT LEAST HE WANTEDME.

ME.

GOD, I AM
SO HORNY.

POOR BABY.

WELL I HAVE
JUST THE THING.

A NEW PORN VIDEO.

IT ALL TAKES PLACE IN
A PRISONER-OF-WAR CAMP.

"HOT, HORNY MEN
STARVED FOR ACTION".

I CAN RELATE
TO THAT.

GUARANTEED TO
MAKE YOUR PRIVATES
STAND UP AND SALUTE.

"SCHINDLER'S FIST"?

AH-H-H.

HERE, I WILL
LEAVE YOU
TWO ALONE.

I'M SURE YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE A DEEP, MEANINGFUL
RELATIONSHIP.

GOOD NIGHT.

Drill Sergeant: [ On TV ]
OKAY, PRIVATE, DROP TROU
AND BEND OVER.

Private: [ On TV ]
FOR MY PHYSICAL, SIR?

Drill Sergeant:
NO, TARGET PRACTICE.

Private:
YES, SIR.

Drill Sergeant:
[ Lewd chuckle ]

Brian:
PUT YOUR LEGS UP

ON MY SHOULDERS.

[ Panting ]

THAT'S IT.

OH, WAIT.

IN SCHOOL WE HAD
THIS LECTURE...

ABOUT SAFE SEX.

AND NOW WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE A
DEMONSTRATION.

PUT IT ON ME.

GO ON.

SLIP IT
ON MY DICK.

AH! IT'S COLD.

IT'LL HEAT UP.

JUST...

GO SLOW, OKAY?

[ Gasp of pain ]

AH! AH!

[ Panting ]

IT HURTS.

DOES IT
ALWAYS HURT?

A LITTLE BIT.

BUT THAT'S
A PART OF IT.

[ Exhaling ]

NOW RELAX.

I WANT YOU TO ALWAYS
REMEMBER THIS.

SO THAT NO MATTER
WHO YOU'RE EVER WITH...

I'LL ALWAYS
BE THERE.

[ ?????? ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Beeping of
alarm clock ]

[ Heavy sigh ]

WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU DOING HERE?

Y-YOU SAID
I COULD STAY.

RIGHT.

YOUR PARENTS.

THEY THINK YOU'RE
AT A FRIEND'S.

JESUS CHRIST!
WHAT THE HELL
HAPPENED?

[ Laughing ]

DON'T TELL ME.

I WAS DOING
HANDSTANDS.

AND JUGGLING.

YOU'RE NOT
VERY GOOD.

SHIT.

WHY DO I DO
THESE THINGS?

I'LL TELL YOU WHY.

IT WAS THAT
FUCKING PIG ANITA.

SHE TOLD ME THAT WAS "E".
THAT WASN'T "E",

THAT WAS SOME SHIT
THEY COOKED UP IN
A BATHTUB IN TIJUANA.

THAT'S WHY YOU
SHOULD NEVER
TAKE DRUGS

THAT AREN'T
PRESCRIBED BY
A PHYSICIAN,

OR RECOMMENDED
BY A RELIABLE
PHARMACIST.

[ Chuckle of
disbelief ]

WHAT ARE YOU?

A PUBLIC SERVICE
ANNOUNCEMENT?

GET DRESSED,
I'LL DRIVE
YOU HOME.

YOU CAN'T.

MICHAEL
HAS THE CAR.
WHY HAS
HE GOT IT?

YOU WERE
TOO HIGH...
I KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED.

I WAS THERE.

I REMEMBER
EVERYTHING...

PERFECTLY.

WHAT WAS
YOUR NAME AGAIN?

JUSTIN.

YEAH, RIGHT.

[ Sighing ]

CAN I TAKE A SHOWER?

YEAH, BUT
HURRY UP.

IT'S THROUGH
THERE...

I THINK.

[ Beeping of
answering machine ]

Melanie: [ On machine ]
Where the hell are you?
Your cell's turned off.

If you're there, pick up.

Brian? Listen,
Lindsay's water broke.

She's having contractions.
We're at the hospital.

FUCK! I HAVE A BABY.

[ Water running ]

Justin:
OW! OW!

TWO BABIES.

[ Blaring of car alarm ]
[ Banging of metal ]

[ Smashing of glass ]

HOLY SHIT!

[ Hissing of
aerosol spray ]

YOU LITTLE BASTARDS!
GET THE FUCK
AWAY FROM THERE!

FAGGOT!

QUEER!

FAGGOT!

WHO'RE YOU
CALLING A FAGGOT?

WE'VE SEEN YOU.
QUEER!

MORNING.

OH, MY LORD.

MOTHERFUCKERS!

I'M CALLING
THE COPS.

BRIAN IS GOING
TO HAVE A FIT,

YOU KNOW HOW
HE FEELS ABOUT
HIS JEEP.

WELL IF HE CARES
SO MUCH ABOUT IT

THEN HE SHOULDN'T
HAVE LENT IT TO ME.

HE KNOWS WHAT
A TERRIBLE NEIGH-
BOURHOOD THIS IS.

WELL, I, UH, I WAS
GOING TO ASK FOR
A LIFT TO WORK.

BUT ON SECOND
THOUGHT, I THINK
I'LL WALK.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

SHIT!

[ Splashing of shower ]

WHY DIDN'T
YOU TELL ME
I HAD A KID?

YOU SAID YOU
REMEMBERED
EVERYTHING.

[ Sighing ]
IT ALL HAPPENED
SO FAST.

WHAT'S HIS
NAME AGAIN?

GUS.

I'M THE ONE
WHO DECIDED.

DID YOU ACTUALLY
FUCK HER?

WHO?
LINDSAY.

YOU'RE
AWFULLY RUDE.

WELL, DID YOU?

I JERKED OFF
IN A CUP,

AND THEY SQUIRTED
IT UP HER.

GROSS.

SHE MUST HAVE
REALLY WANTED
A KID.

MOST WOMEN DO.

EVEN LESBIANS?

LESBIANS
ARE WOMEN...

SORT OF.

MY MOM SAYS SOMETIMES
SHE WISHED SHE NEVER HAD ME.

THAT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE SHE'S
STUCK WITH THIS ANNOYING BRAT
FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

SO, YOU GONNA RAISE HIM?

[ Laughs ]
ME?

NO WAY.

THE MUNCHERS ARE.

BUT I'LL BE AROUND

TO PROVIDE
THE MASCULINE INFLUENCE

SO IMPORTANT
IN A YOUNG BOY'S LIFE.

I'LL BET MELANIE COULD DO IT
BETTER THAN YOU.

DON'T GET SMART,
OR I'LL HAVE TO SPANK YOU.

REALLY?

YOU UP FOR ONE MORE?

[ Screeching of tires ]
BRIAN!

[ ?????? ]

CHRIST. DIDN'T YOU
GET ENOUGH LAST NIGHT?

THERE IS NO SUCH THING
AS ENOUGH.

BESIDES...

I COULDN'T SEND HIM OFF
WITHOUT A NOURISHING
HIGH-PROTEIN BREAKFAST.

IT'S GRRR-REAT!

WILL YOU COME ON?
I'M NOT GONNA BE LATE
BECAUSE OF YOU.

I SAID HURRY UP!

YEAH. SHE SAID,
"DON'T BE LATE."

OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL, MIKEY.
JUST BEAUTIFUL.

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
I TOLD YOU ABOUT THOSE TWO
PSYCHOPATHS DOWN THE STREET.

WHAT, A COUPLE
OF 12-YEAR-OLDS?

THEY START EARLY
THESE DAYS.

WHAT ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT ?
NOTHING.

YOU.

YOU SOUND LIKE
MY PARENTS FIGHTING.

IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY.
IT'S A COMPANY CAR.

WELL, COME ON. WE HAVE TO
TAKE THE CHILD TO SCHOOL.

IN THIS?

YOU CARE?

FUCK NO.

[ Screeching of tires ]

[ Honking of horn ]

HERE WE ARE,
SONNY BOY.

BE SURE TO COME HOME
RIGHT AFTER SCHOOL.

NO LINGERING
ON THE PLAYGROUND

OR IN THE LOCKER ROOM
WITH THE GYM TEACHER.

OH, YOU DID NOT
TELL HIM ABOUT THAT.

IT'S THE MOST FAMOUS
SHOWER SCENE SINCE "PSYCHO."

HEY, JUSTIN!
WANNA SUCK ME OFF?

NO, BUT I'LL KICK YOUR TIGHT
LITTLE VIRGIN ASS SO HARD,

YOU WON'T SIT DOWN
FOR A WEEK.

[ Giggling ]

CAN WE GET OUT OF HERE?

WHEN CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?

YOU CAN SEE ME RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN LATER--
TONIGHT.

[ Chuckles ]
WHO KNOWS WHERE
I'LL BE LATER TONIGHT.

WE BETTER GO.

PLEASE?

I'LL SEE YOU
IN YOUR DREAMS.

[ Ringing of school bell ]

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
YOUR MOM CALLED.

I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO TELL HER.

I SAID
YOU WERE STILL ASLEEP.

I JUST SAW
THE FACE OF GOD.

HUH?

HIS NAME IS BRIAN KINNEY.

Michael:
THANK GOD HE'S FINALLY GONE.

Brian:
HE ALMOST WORE ME OUT.

SOMEBODY WORE YOU OUT?

I SAID "ALMOST."

I'LL DROP YOU BY THE STORE.

[ Scoffs ]
THE HELL YOU WILL.

YOU BETTER GET THIS THING
REPAINTED BEFORE YOU GO
INTO THE OFFICE.

I'M NOT HAVING IT
REPAINTED.

WHAT?

I LIKE IT THIS WAY.
ARE YOU CRAZY?

[ Honking of horns ]

NO. THEY ARE.

WELL, I SAY FUCK 'EM.

THEY CAN WRITE IT IN NEON
ACROSS THE SKY.

FAGGOT!

[ Both laughing ]

[ Honking of horn ]

?? YOU GAVE ME GIRL'S TOYS ??

?? I'M ONE OF THOSE BOYS ??

[ ?????? ]

Ted:
BRIAN KINNEY, A FATHER?

Michael: [ On telephone ]
It's true. I was there.

I saw it happen
with my own eyes.

TALK ABOUT CONCEIVING
THE INCONCEIVABLE.

OR IS IT THE
OTHER WAY AROUND?

Michael:
Would you give
the guy a break?

Emmett: [ On telephone ]
Couldn't be any worse
than my Daddy was.

Michael:
Or mine, not that
I can remember him.

SO WHAT'S NEXT?
PTA PARENT?

LITTLE LEAGUE COACH?
SCOUTMASTER?

THEY DON'T
ALLOW QUEERS
IN THE SCOUTS.

THEY'RE AFRAID
WE'LL INDUCT
NEW RECRUITS.

I ONLY GO OUT WITH MEN
WHO'VE ALREADY ENLISTED.

SO, UH, WHO'S
HE LOOK LIKE?

WELL, HE'S GOT
BRIAN'S EYES
AND MOUTH AND...

LINDSAY'S NOSE.

WELL, IF HE'S GOT
MELANIE'S DICK,
WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.

[ Chuckling ]

YOU SHOULD SEE
THE PICTURES
I TOOK.

HE'S SO
ADORABLE.

IN ONE OF THEM HE'S
ACTUALLY PLAYING
WITH HIMSELF.

WHO, BRIAN?
NO, THE BABY.

CAN YOU IMAGINE,
HE'S ONLY BEEN IN THE
WORLD ABOUT AN HOUR

AND ALREADY HE'S
PULLING HIS PUD?

EXCUSE ME.
YEAH.

CAN YOU TELL
ME WHERE MEN'S
JOCKEY SHORTS ARE?

AISLE FOUR.

THANKS.
SURE.

Ted: [ On telephone ]
Well, that proves
the theory.

WE'VE ALL GOT DICK ON THE
BRAIN FROM WOMB TO TOMB.

Emmett:
Speak for yourself.

I AM.

YEAH, GO FOR IT.

ARE YOU WATCHING THAT
FILTHY WEB SITE AGAIN?

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS GUY. HE MUST BE
AT LEAST 10 INCHES.

TED? TED.

UH, CAN I PUT
YOU ON HOLD ONE
MOMENT PLEASE?

YES,
MR. WERTSHAFTER?

HAVE YOU FINISHED
GOING OVER THE
GROPNIK RETURNS?

OH, YES, SIR.

I JUST PRINTED
THEM OUT.

THERE YOU ARE.
FEDERAL AND STATE.

THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME...

MR. WERTSHAFTER.

SORRY. THE BOSS.

SHIT! YOU
BETTER
BE CAREFUL.

THE LAST THING YOU NEED
IS FOR HIM TO CATCH YOU
ON CUMQUICK.COM.

OH PLEASE,
THAT GUY'S SO
BLIND, HE'S YET
TO FIGURE OUT

HIS WIFE'S BEEN
BOINKING HIS
BUSINESS PARTNER

FOR THE LAST
FIVE YEARS.

HOW HE'S GOING TO FIND
OUT ABOUT ME?

I'LL CATCH
YOU LATER.

LATER.
LATER.

Michael: [ Narrating ]
REMEMBER THAT STORY WE
ALL READ IN HIGH SCHOOL,

YOU KNOW THE ONE
ABOUT THE PRISONERS
CHAINED IN THE CAVE?

PLATO OR WHOEVER.

ALL THEY COULD SEE
WERE SHADOWS ON A WALL,

SO AFTER A WHILE,
THEY STARTED THINKING
THAT WAS REALITY.

WELL, IN A WAY,
THAT'S WHAT TED'S LIKE.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE
HE'S HAD SEX WITH SOME-
ONE HE DIDN'T DOWNLOAD,

HE'S FORGOTTEN THAT
ALL THOSE PERFECT BODIES

AND PERFECT FACES
AREN'T REAL.

THAT NO ONE'S REALLY THERE.
THAT THEY'RE ONLY...

SHADOWS.

THEN AGAIN, WHOEVER GOT
ANAL WARTS IN A CHATROOM?

Woman:
MICHAEL.

[ Mouthing silently ]

[ Chuckle ]

[ Dropping of baskets ]

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
OUR BEER AND THEIR BEER

IS THAT OUR BEER
SAYS, "SEX"...

NOT CLYDESDALES.

IF YOU WANT TO BE COOL,

IF YOU WANT
TO BE POPULAR,

IF YOU WANT TO
GET... LAID...

THIS IS WHAT
YOU DRINK.

Man:
WHAT ABOUT
THE MODEL?

ARE YOU SURE
HE ISN'T TOO, UM...

GAY?

LADIES?

Woman:
I WOULDN'T CARE
IF HE WAS.

I'D GO TO BED
WITH HIM ANYWAY.

[ Giggle ]

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I HADN'T THOUGHT
ABOUT IT.

[ ?????? ]

?? THAT'S RIGHT ??

[ ?????? ]

[ Grunts of game ]

Coach:
MOVE. MOVE. YOU GUYS SHOW
SOME HUSTLE OUT THERE.

LET'S GO.

Justin:
GUESS WHAT I WAS
DOING LAST NIGHT.

Girl:
SLEEPING,
SAME AS ME?

HAVING SEX,
ALL NIGHT,

WITH THAT GUY I MET,
BRIAN KINNEY.

WE DID IT
TILL 6:00 IN THE MORNING.

WELL?
AREN'T YOU SHOCKED?

NOT REALLY.

OH.

WELL, I KINDA
FIGURED THAT
YOU'RE...

YOU KNOW.

EVEN THOUGH YOU
NEVER TOLD ME.

I'M TELLING YOU NOW.

[ Deep sigh ]

WANT SOME OF
MY VEGGIE WRAP?

SO WHAT WAS
IT LIKE?

WELL, I
STARTED OUT
AS A TIGHT END,

BUT WOUND UP
A WIDE RECEIVER.
[ Giggle ]

Players:
BALL. BALL.

Coach:
COME ON,
WHERE'S YOUR ARM?

THANKS.

THANK YOU.
GOOD TO MEET YOU.

THANK YOU.
NEXT TIME.

THANKS.

UH, ?? HE'S MARRIED ??

Brian:
UH-HUH.

Woman:
WITH TWO
CHILDREN.

AH, A
FAMILY MAN.

HUH!
EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU, UH,
TELL ME WHERE THE
MEN'S ROOM IS?

YEAH, IT'S JUST
DOWN THE HALL
AND TO THE LEFT.

THANKS.

THAT'S A
LONG TRIP.
HUH!

HE MIGHT
GET LOST.

I'M SURE
YOU'LL SHOW
HIM THE WAY.

THERE I WAS
ON MY BACK.

AND THERE HE WAS
ON TOP OF ME,
SLIPPING IT IN.

THAT MUST HAVE HURT.
DIDN'T IT HURT?

YEAH, AT FIRST IT
FELT LIKE SOMEONE

WAS SHOVING A
BROOM UP THERE.

BUT, I TOLD HIM
TO GO SLOWER,
AND HE DID.

THEN I STOPPED
THINKING ABOUT
IT WHEN I LOOKED
AT HIS FACE.

HIS EYES
WERE CLOSED.

HIS MOUTH
WAS OPEN

IN A SORT
OF SMILE,

LIKE HE WAS IN
ANOTHER PLACE.

A BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

THAT PLACE
WAS ME.
[ Snort ]

AND HIS BODY. GOD!

LIKE HIS BODY
WAS SO AMAZING.

I COULD SEE
EVERY MUSCLE.

HE SAID HE WANTED
TO STAY INSIDE
ME FOREVER,

AND I WANTED HIM TO.

I STILL FEEL HIM,

LIKE, HE'S STILL THERE.

CHRIST, DAPHNE,
EVERYBODY TALKS
ABOUT HAVING SEX.

BUT I REALLY DID IT.

[ Opening of zipper ]
[ Sniffle ]

I HAD TO PISS
DURING THAT
WHOLE PITCH.

DIDN'T THINK I
COULD HOLD IT.

YOUR PRESENTATION
WAS VERY IMPRESSIVE.

THINK SO?

YEAH, IT WAS
VERY IMPRESSIVE.

WELL, I'M GLAD
YOU LIKED IT,

BECAUSE THAT'S
WHAT WE'RE
HERE FOR.

TO PLEASE
THE CLIENT.

SO, LIKE,
WHAT IS HE NOW?

YOUR BOYFRIEND?

[ Chuckle ]
WE JUST MET.

WELL... DO
YOU LOVE HIM?

I DON'T KNOW.

YEAH, I
LOVE HIM.
[ Giggle ]

DOES HE LOVE YOU?

HE SAID HE DID.
WHEN?

WELL, WHEN
HE WAS ABOUT
TO SHOOT.

HE WAS MOVING
REALLY FAST,
AND HE LET
OUT THIS GROAN

LIKE NOTHING
I'D EVER
HEARD BEFORE.

AND THAT'S WHEN
HE SAID IT,

RIGHT WHEN
HE CAME.

HE SAID,
"I LOVE YOU."

THEN HE LEANED IN
AND KISSED ME.

[ Clearing
of throat ]

WELL, I GUESS
WE BETTER BE
GETTING BACK.

YEAH, I GUESS SO.

IT'S BEEN
A PLEASURE.

IT CAN BE EVEN
MORE OF ONE.

EXCUSE ME?

[ ?????? ]

YOU KNOW,
I'M NEVER WRONG.

HUH?
OH NOTHING,
BUDDY.

I-I DON'T KISS.

YEAH, RIGHT.

[ ?????? ]

MR. NOVOTNY?

MIKE.
MIKE.

I WAS WONDERING IF...

WELL, YOU KNOW
THOSE BOXES YOU
WANTED ME TO MOVE.
MM-HMM.

I MEAN, I DON'T WANT
TO SEEM LIKE I'M
SHIRKING OR ANYTHING,

BUT THEY'RE
KIND OF HEAVY.

DO YOU THINK ONE OF
THE GUYS COULD MAYBE
GIVE ME A HAND?

YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
I CAN GET SOME-
BODY TO HELP YOU.

OH, THAT'D BE
GREAT. OKAY.

I'LL BE OVER ON AISLE 14.

OKAY.
OKAY.

Woman:
YES, YOUR
MAJESTY.

SOMEBODY SHOULD
TELL HER
PRINCESS DI
IS DEAD,

AND THEY'RE
NOT LOOKING FOR
A REPLACEMENT.

THE BOXES
ARE HEAVY.

AND THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG WITH
ASKING FOR HELP.

I... I THINK
SHE'S KIND OF
SWEET ACTUALLY.

YOU THINK
SHE'S SWEET?

WELL, I DON'T
REALLY KNOW
HER, BUT, YEAH.

WHAT ABOUT CUTE?

YEAH, SHE'S CUTE.

WELL, SHE THINKS
YOU'RE CUTE TOO.

SHE... DOES?

SHE LIKES
YOU A LOT.

BUT SHE DIDN'T
KNOW IF YOU
LIKED HER,

SO I SAID
I'D FIND OUT.

SO YOU DON'T
REALLY THINK
SHE'S STUCK-UP.

OH, SHE'S
ADOLL.

YOU KNOW, I
NEVER HEARD YOU
SAY YOU LIKED
A GIRL BEFORE.

WELL, I...
IN FACT...

I'VE NEVER HEARD
YOU SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT GIRLS.

YOU...
LIKE GIRLS,
DON'T YOU?

SURE. UH...
SO? THEN YOU'LL
COME WITH US

AFTER WORK TONIGHT.
WE'RE TAKING HER
OUT FOR A DRINK.

I DON'T THINK
I CAN. I...
AH!

NO EXCUSES.
SHOELESS JOE'S, 7:30.

AND... DO
SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR HAIR.

IT WAS A TRAP.

HEY, SEE THAT
NUMBER IN THE
RED SHORTS?

Ted:
I COULD
WORK OUT FOR
100 YEARS

AND NEVER LOOK
LIKE THAT.

PRETENDING SHE
DIDN'T LIKE HER,

JUST TO SEE
WHAT I'D SAY.

SHAWN PETERS. I WENT HOME
WITH HIM THE OTHER NIGHT,
THINKING HE WAS THIS BRUTAL TOP.

AND?

AND I FELL FOR IT!

TURNS OUT HE'S A
BIG NELLY BOTTOM.

I COULD HAVE
TOLD YOU THAT.

Emmett:
AW, IT'S SO
DISCOURAGING.

ARE THERE NO
REAL MEN LEFT?

AND NOW THEY'RE EXPECTING
ME TO MEET THEM.

IN STEROID CITY?

NO, IN THIS STRAIGHT BAR.

IS THERE ANYONE
HERE LISTENING?

THERE'S THIS NEW
GIRL AT WORK WHO'S
INTERESTED IN YOU.

FAT MARLEY TRICKED
YOU INTO MEETING HER
AND SOME OF THE OTHERS

FOR A DRINK AFTER
WORK, AND NOW
YOU HAVE TO GO

OR THEY MIGHT
SUSPECT.

CHECK OUT MR. PEC-DECK.

Emmett:
SO WHAT...

IF THEY DO?

THEY COULD FIRE HIM.

OR I COULD END UP
AN ASSISTANT MANAGER
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

AND THE SOLUTION IS TO
PRETEND YOU LIKE PUSSY?

AH, LOOK,
HE'S NOT LIKE
YOU, OKAY?

WHAT IS THAT
SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

MEANING HE'S NOT AN
OBVIOUSLY GAY MAN.

ARE YOU ACCUSING ME
OF BEING OBVIOUS?

IF THE FUCK-ME PUMP FITS...

WELL, I COULD BE
A... A R-REAL MAN,
IF I WANTED TO.

YOU KNOW, JUST
LOWER MY VOICE,

STOP... GESTURING
WITH MY HANDS,

MAKE SURE MY FACE
IS EXPRESSIONLESS.

NEVER, NEVER USE
WORDS LIKE...

LIKE FABULOUS OR DIVINE,

TALK ABOUT, I DON'T KNOW,
NAILING BITCHES AND RBIs.

BUT I'D RATHER
MY FLAME BURN BRIGHT,

THAN BE SOME PUNY,
LITTLE PILOT LIGHT.

AND A FABULOUS
FLAME IT IS.

THANK YOU.
YEAH.

Ted:
BUT MICHAEL IS
OUT THERE IN THE
STRAIGHT WORLD.

AND BELIEVE ME,
IT ISN'T EASY.

YOU DO WHAT
YOU HAVE TO DO.

[ Panting ]

I BETTER GO CHANGE.

FOR YOUR BIG DATE?

OOH, HERE'S
A SPORTS MAG.

BETTER BONE UP.

JUST IN CASE THE
CONVERSATION VEERS
AWAY FROM LIZA'S
WEIGHT PROBLEM.

JUSTIN, DID YOU
HEAR ME? I SAID
YOU'RE NOT GOING.

[ Snort ]
I'M GOING.

YOU WERE JUST
THERE LAST NIGHT.
SO WHAT?

SO, I WAS PLANNING
TO TAKE YOU
AND YOUR SISTER

OUT FOR PIZZA.

YOU...

YOU KNOW, I
EXPECT YOU TO
CLEAN UP THIS MESS.

I DON'T
UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU HAVE
TO SPEND

ALL YOUR TIME
WITH DAPHNE.

OF ALL THE BEAUTIFUL
CLOTHES YOUR FATHER
AND I BOUGHT FOR YOU,

YOU HAVE TO PICK
SOMETHING THAT
NO LONGER FITS.

THAT IS TOO TIGHT.

THAT'S WHY.

JUSTIN?

DON'T I GET A
KISS GOODBYE?

I EXPECT
YOU TO CALL.

WE NEED A
SECRET CODE WORD
LIKE "SHAZAM",

SO THAT IF I GET
IN A TIGHT SPOT,

YOU CAN COME IN
AND RESCUE ME.

A TIGHT SPOT.
HOW ABOUT
"BUTTPLUG"?

"BUTTPLUG" MIGHT
BE A LITTLE HARD
TO WORK INTO
A CONVERSATION.

BECAUSE THAT'S
WHAT YOU ARE,
PRETENDING YOU'RE
ONE OF THEM.

I COULDN'T
HELP IT.

OH, YOU COULD
HAVE TOLD HER
THE TRUTH,

INSTEAD OF ACTING
LIKE A SCARED,
LITTLE FAGGOT.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
JUST SAID, "I
TAKE IT UP THE
ASS, SWEETHEART.

DEAL WITH IT."
RIGHT. RIGHT.

BY THE WAY, I
NOTICED YOU GOT
THE JEEP REPAINTED.

[ Deep sigh ]

OH MY GOD, THIS
PLACE IS LIKE,
BREEDER CENTRAL.

BUTTPLUG, BUTT-
PLUG, BUTTPLUG,
BUTT...

SEE YOU, MIKEY.

[ Mixed chatter ]

Man:
I WANT TO WATCH
THE END OF THE GAME.

[ Country & Western ?????? ]
?? WON'T YOU BE TRUE? ??

?? LUZIETTE,
OH, LUZIETTE ??

?? GIRL I LOVE YOU ??

?? SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME
EVERY TIME I WATCH HER DANCE ??

?? FIDDLES PLAY AND
AS SHE MOVES... ??

Marley:
MICHAEL.
MICHAEL!

WHERE YOU BEEN?
WE THOUGHT YOU
GOT LOST.

SOME, UH, LAST-
MINUTE BUSINESS.

SLIDE IT ON IN.

HARV, MOVE
YOUR HAIRY ASS.

Man:
[ Chuckle ]

THANKS.

WHAT'LL
YOU HAVE?

UH... SAME AS
EVERYBODY ELSE.

GOOD CHOICE.

UH, BRING OVER
ANOTHER PITCHER.

Michael:
HI.

HI. GLAD YOU
COULD MAKE IT.

I TOLD YOU
HE'D BE HERE,

DIDN'T I?
NOT TO WORRY?

I WASN'T
WORRIED.

NOW JUST MAKE
SURE HE'S NOT
SEEING ANYONE,

BEFORE YOU GET
ALL LOVEY-DOVEY.
[ Giggle ]

MARLEY, WOULD
YOU SHUT UP AND
LEAVE 'EM ALONE?

WHAT?

YOU'RE NOT
SEEING ANYONE,
ARE YOU?

ME?

NO.
WELL THAT'S
GOOD.

I MEAN...
I UNDERSTAND.

YOU DON'T WANT
TO GET INVOLVED
WITH SOMEONE

IF THEY'RE
INVOLVED ALREADY.

SO ARE YOU?
SEEING ANYONE?

NO. WE JUST
BROKE UP.
OH. SORRY.

OH, DON'T BE.
HE WAS A REAL DOOFUS.

ONLY I DIDN'T
KNOW IT AT
THE TIME.

THERE'S SO MUCH
YOU DON'T KNOW
AT THE TIME.

ISN'T THAT
THE TRUTH?

LIKE, CAN YOU
BELIEVE, HE...

HE DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW HOW TO
FIX A SINK?

Others:
[ Chuckles of sympathy ]
REALLY!

Woman:
HE CALLED ME AT WORK
SAYING, "WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

I SAID,
"I DON'T CARE
WHAT YOU DO.

BUY SOME CEMENT.
GET A CORK.

USED CHEWING GUM.
BUT PLUG IT UP!"

All:
[ Laughing ]

BUT PLUG IT...
[ Chuckle ]

BUTTPLUG...
[ Helpless
laughter ]

A MILLION DOLLARS?

Melanie:
THAT'S THE
GENERAL IDEA.

A MILLION
FUCKING DOLLARS?

BRIAN, PLEASE.
YOU'LL WAKE
THE BABY.

WELL, THE ANSWER'S NO.
DEFINITELY NOT.

HUH, I DON'T
UNDERSTAND
THE PROBLEM.

I MEAN, LINDSAY
TOLD ME YOU
OFFERED TO HELP
SUPPORT HIM.

IT WAS VERY
GENEROUS.

WELL THAT'S
DIFFERENT THAN A
LIFE INSURANCE POLICY.

IT'S SIMPLY IN
CASE SOMETHING
HAPPENS TO YOU.

LIKE I'M
DECAPITATED
AT A RAILROAD
CROSSING?

OR BURNED BEYOND
RECOGNITION IN
SOME GAS EXPLOSION?

YOU KNOW, I CAN
JUST IMAGINE THE
GRIZZLY DEATHS

YOU'VE CONJURED
UP FOR ME.

LIKE IN CASE
YOU GET SICK.

AH. EVEN BETTER.

CONSIDERING YOUR LIFE.

I MEAN, WHEN'S THE LAST
TIME YOU WERE TESTED?

SIX MONTHS AGO.
I WAS NEGATIVE.

THAT'S 26 WEEKS

AND 182 ONE-NIGHT STANDS.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS
ADMIRED PEOPLE WHO COULD
MULTIPLY IN THEIR HEADS.

AND I'M ALWAYS
CAREFUL.

LOOK, THIS ISN'T FOR US.
IT'S FOR OUR SON.

WE NEED TO MAKE
SURE HE'LL BE
PROVIDED FOR.

AND ALL I HAVE
TO DO IS DIE.

HOPEFULLY NOT
BEFORE YOU SIGN
THESE PAPERS.

All:
[ Jolly laughter ]

WE WON'T BE
LAUGHING COME
SUPERBOWL TIME,

WHEN WE'RE
UP AGAINST
THE TITANS.

WE DON'T STAND
A CHANCE.

DON'T SAY THAT.

YOU'VE GOT
TO BELIEVE,
RIGHT, MIKE?

LIKE CHER!

YOUWATCHFOOTBALL?

CONSTANTLY.

[ Chuckle ]
SO, UH...

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT DO I THINK?

I THINK...

DUE TO FREE AGENCY,
WE'VE LOST SOME OF
OUR BEST PLAYERS.

STILL, OUR DEFENCE
IS STRONG, BUT WE
NEED A NEW SCHEME

FROM OUR DEFENSIVE
COORDINATOR TO
MOVE THE BALL.

[ Chuckle ]
THAT'S JUST
WHAT I SAY.

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA.

[ Ringing of cell phone ]

HELLO, SPORTS FANS.

I'M COMING TO GET YOU.

IT'S OKAY. I'M HAVING
A REALLY GOOD TIME.

SHE'S REALLY,
REALLY NICE.

SHE'S REALLY NICE?

DO YOU THINK SHE
AND HER FRIENDS
WOULD BE REALLY NICE

IF THEY KNEW THE LITTLE
CHARADE YOU WERE PLAYING?

THEY'D PROBABLY
TIE YOU TO A FENCE
AND BASH YOUR BRAINS IN.

THEY'RE NOT LIKE THAT.

NOT LIKE THAT, HUH?

Listen to me, Mikey.

Are you listening?
YEAH, I'M LISTENING.

THERE'S ONLY TWO
KINDS OF STRAIGHT
PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD;

THE ONES THAT HATE
YOU TO YOUR FACE,

AND THE ONES THAT HATE
YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK.

Now get the fuck
out of there...

BECAUSE I NEED YOU.

[ Beep of disconnect ]

Emmett:
?? ...HOW I WAS GONNA
CHANGE, BUT I'M NOT ??

?? IF YOU KEEP DOING
THINGS I DON'T ??

?? YOU BETTER THINK ??
Others:
?? THINK ??

?? THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE
TRYING TO DO TO ME, YEAH ??

?? THINK ??
?? THINK ??

?? LET YOUR MIND GO,
LET YOURSELF BE FREE ??

OH YEAH!

?? YEAH-H-H... ??

HI.

OH SHIT,
JUST WHAT I NEED.

WHAT'S-HIS-NAME.

JUSTIN.
HIS NAME'S JUSTIN.

IF I CAN REMEMBER
IT AND I DIDN'T
EVEN FUCK HIM,

WHY CAN'T YOU?

BECAUSE I DID.

SO, DAWSON, HOW
ARE THINGS DOWN
AT THE CREEK?

Crowd:
[ Cheering ]

Emmett:
THANK YOU,
PITTSBURGH.

I LOVE YOU.

YOU KNOW, FOR A
SKINNY WHITE BOY,

I MAKE ONE FUCKING
FABULOUS BLACK WOMAN!

[ Chuckle ]

HOW ABOUT
ANOTHER ROUND
ON ME?

I GOT A BETTER IDEA.
LET'S MOVE ON.

WHAT'S WRONG
WITH HERE?

I'VE HAD
EVERYONE HERE.

YEAH, MY PROBLEM
PRECISELY.

YOU HAVEN'T HAD ME.

OH YEAH?

WHAT?
Y-YOU NEVER TOLD US.

THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL.

WE WERE UP IN HIS ROOM.

WE WERE 14,
15 TOPS.
[ Heavy sigh ]

WE WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE STUDYING,
WHATEVER,

ONLY WE'RE NOT.
WE'RE LOOKING

AT THIS TRASHY
PHOTO MAG HIS MOM
SWIPED FROM THE
BEAUTY PARLOUR.

ANYWAY...

THERE'S THIS SHOT OF
PATRICK SWAYZE FROM
"DIRTY DANCING"...

WITHOUT HIS
SHIRT ON.

AH-H-H.
AH-HA-HA!

SO I'VE GOT THIS
HARD-ON JUST FROM
LOOKING AT IT,

AND I GLANCE
OVER AT MIKEY,
AND GUESS WHAT?

HE'S GOT
ONE TOO.

OKAY, YOU
CAN STOP NOW.

TWIN STIFFIES.

I REACH OVER,

START RUBBING IT.

HE'S PRACTICALLY
SWOONING.

I POP IT OUT,
START STROKING IT,

NICE AND SLOW.

AND WE'RE BOTH
THIS CLOSE.

THEN...

HIS MOM WALKS IN
WITHOUT KNOCKING.

All:
[ Laughing ]

THEY ALWAYS DO.

DID SHE SEE YOU?

I DON'T SEE
HOW SHE COULD
HAVE MISSED IT.

ONLY WE DIDN'T COME,
SO IT DOESN'T COUNT.

OH, "DIRTY DANCING".

THAT'S A REALLY
OLD MOVIE.

WHAT?
I SAID THAT'S A
REALLY OLD MOVIE.

IT'S NOT THAT OLD.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

UH-OH.

HOW OLD DO YOU
THINK I AM?

33?

[ Snort ]
[ Chuckle ]

FUCK YOU!

HE'S 29.
AND FUCK YOU TOO.

WHAT DID YOU
TELL HIM FOR?
FAIR'S FAIR.

WE ALL KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.
IN A FEW MONTHS,

YOU'LL BE 30.

MIGHT AS WELL
BE DEAD.

HMM, WELL...

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW.

YOU ALREADY ARE.

OH, HO, HO, HO.

Michael:
OH NO YOU DON'T.

COME BACK HERE.
YOU'RE NOT STICKING
US WITH THAT KID.

HE'S YOUR
RESPONSIBILITY.
NOW GET BACK
IN THERE.

YOU KNOW,
I'M GETTING
A LITTLE SICK

OF PEOPLE TELLING
ME WHAT'S MY
RESPONSIBILITY.

IF LINDSAY AND
MELANIE WANT
TO GO OFF AND
HAVE A KID,

THAT'S THEIR
RESPONSIBILITY.

IF WHAT'S-HIS-NAME--
JUSTIN--

WANTS TO GO OUT
AND PICK UP GUYS
WHILE HE'S STILL
IN HIGH SCHOOL,

THAT'S HIS
RESPONSIBILITY.

MY RESPONSIBILITY
IS TO MYSELF.

I DON'T OWE ANYBODY
A GODDAMN THING.

CALM DOWN!

I GOTTA GO.

Emmett:
ANYONE UP FOR BABYLON?

Ted:
I WAS THINKING
BOYTOY.

YOU KNOW, I
HAVEN'T BEEN
SNUBBED BY A
TWINKIE IN WEEKS.

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

Ted:
WHAT
ABOUT HIM?

WELL, WE CAN'T JUST
LEAVE HIM HERE.

IT'S NOT
OUR PROBLEM.

HE'S MINE?

NO, BRIAN'S
YOUR PROBLEM.

LET HIM CLEAN
UP HIS OWN MESS
FOR A CHANGE.

DON'T WASTE YOUR
FRIDAY NIGHT BABYSITTING.

[ ?????? ]

I COME ALL THE
WAY HERE JUST
TO SEE HIM.

HE DOESN'T
WANT ANYTHING
TO DO WITH ME.

YEAH WELL, THE
THING YOU GOT
TO KNOW ABOUT
BRIAN IS...

HE'S NOT YOUR
BOYFRIEND.

BRIAN DOESN'T
DO BOYFRIENDS.

YEAH WELL,
YOU WEREN'T
THERE WHEN WE
WERE DOING IT.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE
THINGS WE DID...

HOW HE KISSED ME.

YOU DON'T
KNOW ANYTHING.

I KNOW THIS.

BRIAN IS A
SELFISH PRICK

WHO DOESN'T CARE
ABOUT ANYONE
BUT HIMSELF.

IF I WERE YOU,
I'D JUST FORGET
ABOUT HIM.

HI'YA, BOYS.
GETTIN' ANY TONIGHT?

[ Chuckle ]

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
AROUND HERE BEFORE.

HE'S NEW.
Woman:
AND CUTE.

EVERY GUY IN THE
PLACE HAS HIS EYE
ON YOU TONIGHT,
SWEETHEART.

Michael:
CAN WE ORDER?

SHOOT. BET IT'LL BE
THE FIRST TIME TONIGHT,
AM I RIGHT?

Woman:
[ Chortling ]

HA-HA. I'LL
HAVE THE CHICKEN-
FRIED STEAK.
NO REMARKS.

AND, UH,

HE'LL HAVE A
BACON CHEESEBURGER.

PLEASE.

PLEASE.

YOU GOTTA KEEP YOUR
STRENGTH UP, SUNSHINE.

YOU CAN'T CRUISE
ALL NIGHT ON AN
EMPTY STOMACH.

[ Chuckling ]

WHAT A FREAK!

YEAH, SHE TAKES
SOME GETTING
USED TO,

BUT ONCE YOU
DO, CAN'T HELP
BUT LOVE HER.

ONE CHICKEN-FRIED
STEAK WITH NO REMARKS,

COMING UP IN A FLASH.

THANKS, MOM.

YOU'RE WELCOME,
BABY.

[ Embarrassed chuckle ]

YOU'RE, LIKE,
SO LUCKY.

I AM?
YOUR MOM'S COOL
ABOUT YOU BEING GAY.

IF MINE FOUND
OUT, SHE'D
KILL ME.

AT LEAST IT GIVES HER
A SENSE OF PURPOSE.

I MEAN, WITHOUT
ME SHE'D BE
PLAYING BINGO

INSTEAD OF
ORGANIZING PRIDE
MARCHES AND...

HANDING
OUT CONDOMS.

DO YOU NEED
A RIDE?

UH, I BORROWED
A FRIEND'S CAR.

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE
A LITTLE BEEMER
OF YOUR OWN?

I'M WORKING ON IT.

JUST REMEMBER
WHAT I TOLD YOU
ABOUT BRIAN.

IF HE'S SUCH
A SELFISH PRICK,

HOW COME YOU'RE
ALWAYS FOLLOWING
HIM AROUND?

I'M NOT ALWAYS
FOLLOWING HIM
AROUND.

WE'RE BEST
FRIENDS.

WE ACCEPT
EACH OTHER FOR
WHO WE ARE,

NO JUDGEMENTS,
NO OBLIGATIONS,

NO QUESTIONS
ASKED.

YOU'RE JUST
WAITING FOR
HIM TO FINISH
JERKING YOU OFF.

WHAT?
YOU NEVER
GOT OFF.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE
STILL HANGING
AROUND AFTER
ALL THESE YEARS.

GO ON, CHICKEN.
BACK TO YOUR COOP.

AND DON'T GO
LOOKING FOR HIM.
IT'LL JUST MAKE
THINGS WORSE.

READY, SWEETIE?

DID HE TAKE OFF?

JUST AS WELL.

HE WAS A LITTLE
TOO YOUNG FOR YOU.

HMM.

Melanie:
SHOULD I INVITE
MY COUSIN RITA?

WHICH ONE'S SHE?
YOU KNOW.

THE ONE WITH
THE, UH, OVERBITE

WHO NEVER APPROVED OF US?

OH, HER. MIGHT AS WELL.

SHE PROBABLY
WON'T COME ANYWAY.

OH...
THAT'S MY
GOOD BOY.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S FUNNY.

I USED TO SEE THESE
WOMEN FEEDING THEIR
KIDS, AND I'D THINK,

"UGH, WHAT
A TURN-OFF."

BUT WATCHING YOU...

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YOU CAN'T BELIEVE HOW
CONNECTED YOU FEEL.

GOOD NIGHT,
SWEETIE.

NEXT TIME,
WE'LL FEED
HIM TOGETHER.

YOU CAN GIVE
HIM MY BREAST.

IT'S SO FULL.

[ Sighs of pleasure ]

I GUESS THAT'S
ALL WE CAN DO
FOR NOW.

OH, 34 GUESTS.
THAT'S A LOT.

NOT EVERYONE
WILL SHOW.

WELL, LET'S HOPE ONE
IN PARTICULAR DOESN'T.

Lindsay:
I HOPE WE WEREN'T
TOO HARD ON HIM.

WHO? BRIAN?

ALL THAT TALK
ABOUT THE INSURANCE.

IT ALMOST SOUNDED
LIKE WE WERE HOPING
SOMETHING MIGHT
HAPPEN TO HIM.

WE'RE JUST
BEING PRACTICAL.

I MEAN, HE'S
THE FATHER,
ISN'T HE?

IT ONLY MAKES
SENSE THAT HIS
SON SHOULD BE
HIS BENEFICIARY.

[ Clatter of typing ]

Lindsay:
I'M JUST SAYING MAYBE
WE SHOULD HAVE WAITED

UNTIL HE WAS OVER
THE INITIAL SHOCK.

HUH!

WHAT SHOCK?
YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO GAVE BIRTH.

ALL HE DID WAS
SHOW UP WITH HIS
LATEST TRICK.

AT LEAST HE
SHOWED UP.
[ Scoffing ]

CHRIST, IT
NEVER CEASES
TO AMAZE ME.

WHAT?
THE WAY YOU PUT
UP WITH HIS SHIT.

[ Fussing of baby ]
SHHH.

I DON'T PUT
UP WITH IT.
LIKE HELL.

I UNDERSTAND IT...
HIM.

WHAT? THAT HE'S
A BIGGER INFANT
THAN HIS SON?

THAT HE DOES
EXACTLY WHAT
HE WANTS.

NO EXCUSES,
NO APOLOGIES.

I'VE ALWAYS
ADMIRED HIM
FOR THAT.

WELL, THEN
YOU CAN PUT
UP WITH IT.

I DON'T HAVE TO.

COME ON,
LET'S GO BACK
TO SLEEP...

FOR AN HOUR.

YES.

SO, YOU GOING
OUT CRUISING

AFTER YOU
DROP ME OFF?

NO. I'VE BEEN
INVITED TO AN
ALL-NIGHT ORGY.

WHOO! SOUNDS HOT.
HMM.

IF YOU MUST KNOW,
I AM GOING BACK TO
MY GAY APARTMENT,

TAKING OFF
MY GAY CLOTHES,

AND GETTING INTO
MY GAY BED.

YOU'RE IN A MOOD.

IT'S GODDAMN
BRIAN.

WHAT DID
HE DO THIS TIME?

NEVER MIND.

I WISH YOU WOULDN'T
LET HIM GET TO YOU.

BUT HE ALWAYS DOES.

THAT'S WHY I KEEP HOPING
THAT YOU'LL MEET SOMEBODY.

WHY ARE ALL
THE LIGHTS ON?

SOMETHING MUST BE
WRONG WITH VIC.

VIC!

BABY?

IS EVERYTHING
ALL RIGHT?

JUST COULDN'T
SLEEP.

HEY, MIKEY.
UNCLE VIC.

ARE YOU IN PAIN?

YEAH.
WHERE? TELL ME.

MY WALLET.

HOLY SHIT!

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S THE MASTERCARD
BILL FROM OUR...

OUR TRIP TO ITALY.

FIRST-CLASS
AIRLINE TICKETS,

THE EXCELSIOR
IN ROME,

THE DIAMOND
AND CORAL EARRINGS
I BOUGHT YOU IN CAPRI.

THEY'RE ALL HERE.

THE PROBLEM IS,
SO AM I.

DON'T SAY THAT.

IT'S A MIRACLE
YOU'RE STILL ALIVE.

IT'S A MIRACLE
HOW I'M GONNA PAY
FOR ALL OF THIS.

HUSTLE?

Both:
[ Chuckling ]

Both:
[ Chuckling ]

[ ?????? ]

?? IT'S YOU,
YOU, YOU AGAIN ??

?? DREAMY CRUSH
WITH THE SUN COMING UP ??

?? GLANCE, LOOK, STARE, ??

?? STAKE IN MY HEART,
OH-HO-HO ??

?? IT BEATS SO FAST,
SO FAST IT STOPS ??

??
?? I THINK WE JAM LIKE JELL

?? JELLY BABY ??

?? COME ON,
MAKE IT HAPPEN ??

?? PEACH MALIBU ??

[ ?????? ]

Teenaged Brian's voice:
PATRICK SWAYZE
IS SO HOT!

??
?? EMPTY YOUR VESSEL FOR ME

?? 'CAUSE WE TRAVEL
TOGETHER ON BUS 43 ??

I GUESS WE'LL HAVE
TO TAKE CARE OF THAT.

?? EMPTY YOUR
VESSEL FOR ME ??

?? 'CAUSE WE TRAVEL... ??

PATRICK SWAYZE
IS SO HOT.

I'VE SEEN
"DIRTY DANCING",
LIKE, FIVE TIMES.

WHAT I WOULDN'T
GIVE TO FUCK HIM.

DON'T SAY
THAT, BRIAN.

YOU'RE
SO PATHETIC.

FIRST I'D
UNZIP HIS FLY.

THEN I'D PULL
OUT HIS KING-
SIZED BONER.

PLAY WITH IT,
REAL SLOW.

OH, YEAH?

HEY, MIKEY...

YOU HAVE
A WOODIE.

I DO NOT.

YOU DO TOO.

WE'LL HAVE TO
DO SOMETHING
ABOUT THAT.

[ ?????? ]

?? GLANCE, LOOK, STARE ??

?? STAKE IN MY HEART,
OH-HO-HO ??

?? IT BEATS SO FAST,
SO FAST IT STOPS ??

HI, BABE.

MA! CAN'T YOU KNOCK?

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU
WE'RE HAVING A YARD SALE,

SO IF YOU
WANT TO THROW
ANYTHING OUT...

OH, DON'T TELL ME
YOU STILL HAVE A
CRUSH ONHIM.

I'D FUCK YOU.

[ Buzzing of doorbell ]

TOP FLOOR. COME ON UP.

CHRIST!
I'M SORRY.

I-I DON'T
WANT TO...
YOU CAN'T JUST
DROP BY UNANNOUNCED.

I JUST WANT
TO TALK.

THERE'S NOTHING
TO TALK ABOUT.

PLEASE? I WON'T
STAY LONG. I...

I'LL JUST...
CAN I?
NO.

OH, SHIT.

THE DOOR WAS
ABOUT TO SHUT
SO I...

SLIPPED IN.

PENTHOUSE.
NOT BAD.

WHO'S THIS?
NO ONE.

I HAVE TO SEE YOU.

I'M BUSY.

I DON'T MIND
A THREESOME,

ALTHOUGH HE'S
KIND OF YOUNG.

HE'S ALSO KIND
OF LEAVING.

WHO'S HE?
FORGIVE ME FOR
NOT INTRODUCING YOU.

JUSTIN, THIS
IS MR. GOODFUK.

MR. GOODFUK,
MAY I PRESENT
JUSTIN.

NAME IS GEORGE.

SORRY.
GEORGE GOODFUK.

YOU DON'T EVEN
KNOW HIM.

WELL, I WAS HOPING
TO GET TO.

NOW WHY DON'T
YOU JUST
SCAMPER ON HOME?

HE'S MY STALKER.

THAT WASN'T VERY KIND,

SENDING HIM OFF,
A KID THAT AGE,

BY HIMSELF
AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT.

WHO ARE YOU?
FATHER GOODFUK?

OH, ALL RIGHT.

MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE.

AND DON'T...
STEAL ANYTHING.

HEY. HEY!

I JUST LEFT
A COMPLETE STRANGER
ALONE IN MY APARTMENT

TO COME AND
TALK TO YOU,

SO DON'T RUN
AWAY FROM ME.

WE NEED TO
GET SOMETHING
STRAIGHT.

YOU DON'T DO
BOYFRIENDS.

OH. MIKEY'S BEEN
TALKING TO YOU.

YOU'LL FUCK ANYONE.

HE'S UGLY.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.

AND I...
I REALLY THOUG...
JUSTIN.

I'VE HAD YOU.

WHAT HAPPENED
LAST NIGHT...

IT WAS FOR FUN.

YOU WANTED ME
AND I WANTED YOU.

THAT'S ALL IT WAS.

A FUCK?

WELL WHAT DID
YOU THINK IT WAS?

LOOK, I DON'T
BELIEVE IN LOVE.

I BELIEVE
IN FUCKING.

IT'S HONEST.
IT'S EFFICIENT.

YOU GET IN AND
OUT WITH A MAXIMUM
OF PLEASURE

AND A MINIMUM
OF BULLSHIT.

LOVE IS SOME-
THING THAT
STRAIGHT PEOPLE

TELL THEMSELVES
THEY'RE IN SO
THEY CAN GET LAID,

AND THEN THEY
END UP HURTING
EACH OTHER,

BECAUSE IT WAS
ALL BASED ON LIES
TO BEGIN WITH.

[ Sniffling ]

IF THAT'S
WHAT YOU WANT,

THEN GO AND FIND
YOURSELF A PRETTY,
LITTLE GIRL...

AND GET MARRIED.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT.

I WANT YOU.

YOU CAN'T HAVE ME.
I'M TOO O...

YOU'RE TOO
YOUNG FOR ME.

YOU'RE 17.
I'M 28.

29.

ALL RIGHT. 29.

ALL THE MORE REASON.

NOW GO DO
YOUR HOMEWORK.

?? WELL I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??

?? BUT IT'S OF HURT
I DREAM ??

[ Ignition of engine ]

?? IF I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??

?? I COULD FORGET
THE LAUGHTER THERE ??

[ ?????? ]

?? IF I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??

?? IF I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??

?? IF I COULD
SLEEP FOREVER ??

[ ?????? ]

?? COME ON ??

?? I WANNA HEAR IT ??

?? LET'S GET SOAKIN' WET ??