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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,228
Well...
2
00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:06,156
- Space mission's finished.
- What?!
3
00:00:06,200 --> 00:00:10,079
After all that, the captain got off with
the lizard queen? That's a shit end.
4
00:00:10,120 --> 00:00:12,759
It's not shit, Dennis. It's beautiful.
5
00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:15,712
- So, everyone lived happily ever after.
- How imaginative
6
00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:20,629
Um, hands up here
who considers Karen to be a friend.
7
00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:23,797
Anyone? Not a single hand.
8
00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:24,989
Oh.
9
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:28,191
Please don't stop space mission, sir!
We fucking love it!
10
00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:30,549
Oh, listen, I fucking love it, son...
11
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:33,872
...but it's over.
12
00:00:33,920 --> 00:00:36,753
Go, guys. Don't look back.
13
00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:44,390
Human scum, it is I, the alien queen.
14
00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:50,197
I'm enjoying my lunch.
Thank you for sending me your captain!
15
00:00:52,280 --> 00:00:55,875
What? Eaten him? The bitch.
16
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:58,639
No-o-o-o-o-o!
17
00:00:58,680 --> 00:01:00,750
Oh dear, oh dear.
18
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:04,236
Looks like we'll have to go back to
the dangerous planet next term after all.
19
00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:08,160
Yes, good. Go, go, go, go.
20
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:16,794
Was that all right?
Was that really what you wanted?
21
00:01:16,840 --> 00:01:19,798
Are you joking?
You scared the shit out of them.
22
00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:21,034
You are a wonderful lizard.
23
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:22,991
Thank you. Yes, it was difficult,
24
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:25,349
seeing as I'm a warm-blooded creature.
25
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:29,473
So, um... half term.
26
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,238
Are you?
27
00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:35,558
Getting smashed out of my mind
every day? Yes, I am. I can't wait.
28
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:37,795
Last time, we were down the pub,
29
00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:41,628
Brian hadn't come out cos of his wife,
obviously, but Jo was there.
30
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:43,113
There was this German guy
31
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:45,913
and he had no trousers and pants on
at the beginning of the...
32
00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:50,475
Emma?
33
00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:08,000
Ripped By mstoll
34
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:20,590
- Afternoon, team. How are we?
- Hey, Brian.
35
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:21,834
You remember my secretary, Barbara?
36
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,438
- All right, Barbara?
- Hello, Barbara.
37
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:26,073
Excited about half term?
38
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,918
Excited? I'm like a chimp
that's ripped a woman's face off.
39
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:34,239
So, agenda... Pub tonight.
Raj's for a curry tomorrow night.
40
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,475
Jo, I think we said Monkey Magic
at your tent on Sunday.
41
00:02:36,520 --> 00:02:37,873
- Yep.
- Barbara,
42
00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:40,354
- you're welcome to all of these.
- Wicked! I'm going to get crisps.
43
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,391
Great. I can't come
to curry tomorrow night,
44
00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:44,510
- but the rest sounds good.
- What?
45
00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:46,790
Actually, I've got
a bit of good news. I've, er...
46
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:50,116
Well, Barbara and I have been nominated
in the local business awards.
47
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:51,513
Brilliant!
48
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:53,710
We haven't won. We've just been nominated.
49
00:02:53,760 --> 00:02:56,433
It'll go to Tony Gibson
and, er, rightly so.
50
00:02:56,480 --> 00:02:58,755
- And the ceremony's tomorrow night?
- Yes.
51
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:00,870
And you've only just found out?
52
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:03,070
- Well, um...
- Bit sudden, Brian.
53
00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,953
Yeah, er... I think they told me
a couple of weeks ago.
54
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,959
Well, where the hell are we going to get
outfits from at this short notice?
55
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,831
- It's black tie, I bet, is it?
- Yes, it is.
56
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,393
It's OK, just go to the tailor.
57
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:14,953
What, the tailor
who beat the shit out of me
58
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:16,228
cos I was wearing my mum's pants?
59
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,430
Shall I stick a live wasp
up my knob as well, Jo?
60
00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:19,515
Oh, no, don't do that.
61
00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:21,676
Look, I just presumed
you guys wouldn't want to come.
62
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:22,914
What?
63
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,951
Naomi's going to be there
with her new boyfriend.
64
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,514
Good. I'll turn up and make her
really jealous by taking a fit date.
65
00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:31,633
I'll have to go to an escort agency, of
course. Unless your wife's got someone?
66
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,399
Julia can't come. We've...
The nanny's had to go home.
67
00:03:34,440 --> 00:03:37,238
- I'll be your date.
- I can't take you.
68
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:38,508
Naomi knows you.
69
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:43,270
Right, well, you might change your mind
when you see my new dress. It's frontless.
70
00:03:43,320 --> 00:03:45,595
Are you sure you've not been wearing it
the wrong way round?
71
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:48,394
Yes.
72
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:50,635
Right, well, lots to do.
73
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,671
Er, hair, suit...
74
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,790
- Oh, this is going to be stressful.
- Hoo!
75
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,229
I need to get down the salon
for an industrial wax.
76
00:03:57,280 --> 00:04:00,477
Last time I went, it was like Chewbacca
had stood on a land mine.
77
00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:01,669
D'you know what I mean,
Barbara?
78
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:05,872
Guys! Lt'll be really boring.
You won't enjoy it.
79
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:09,708
Brian! We wouldn't miss this
for the world. Honestly!
80
00:04:09,760 --> 00:04:12,593
It's almost like
you don't want us to come.
81
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:16,952
Whoa, Shakira!
Best Service Award. Good luck.
82
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,353
Good luck.
83
00:04:18,400 --> 00:04:19,753
Who the fuck are you?
84
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:27,149
Right, OK.
85
00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,033
He won't remember, be the adult.
86
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:33,675
"Hello. I'd like a suit, please."
87
00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:44,280
No, he remembered.
He definitely remembered.
88
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:58,391
Oh, Daniel, you are going to love me.
Problem sorted.
89
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:04,320
All right? What's going on?
90
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:08,717
Oh, the product of my ball bag.
Gerry, my son.
91
00:05:08,760 --> 00:05:11,149
- Hello.
- All right?
92
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:13,077
You're right!
He is a lanky streak of piss.
93
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:17,429
Yes, aren't I?
94
00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:20,040
- Your horse, Gerry?
- No, it's just following him around!
95
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:21,433
Of course it's Gerry's horse.
96
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,232
He's been nominated
for Breeder Of The Year.
97
00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:25,475
Small business awards.
Oh, I'm going to that.
98
00:05:25,520 --> 00:05:27,556
- Oh, aye. Good piss-up, 'tis, an' all.
- Oh.
99
00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,797
Dan hasn't been nominated.
They haven't got a micro-penis category.
100
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:34,799
- What, bit tiny down there, is it?
- Tiny? You could barely see it.
101
00:05:34,840 --> 00:05:36,910
I thought he was a girl till he was nine.
102
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:40,157
- What, a little thin 'un, like?
- Yes, Gerry, yes. It's thin...
103
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,316
...but there's no length there, either.
104
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,396
- Shame.
- Yeah.
105
00:05:45,280 --> 00:05:48,556
Good. I think we've established
the size of my penis.
106
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:49,953
If you'll forgive me,
I'll go in to the house.
107
00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:53,310
- Stroke her, Daniel.
- No, thank you.
108
00:05:53,360 --> 00:05:55,715
She's lovely. Stroke the horse.
109
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:57,113
I don't want to stroke the horse.
110
00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:00,914
Bloody hell, lad. What's the matter
with you? Stroke the bloody horse!
111
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,479
Aargh!
112
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:10,120
Well, this is perfect.
113
00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:12,833
Well, what are you doing,
playing with a horse?
114
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:14,711
How was I playing with the horse?
115
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:17,354
It was a trap, he planned it.
Wake up, old woman!
116
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:20,915
I'm sick of these silly comments
about your father.
117
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:24,953
- Gerry came to show the horse off.
- Yes, and now I've had my tit bitten.
118
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,594
Well, never mind.
No-one will see it under your tux.
119
00:06:27,640 --> 00:06:31,030
- I haven't got a tux, Mum.
- Your dad's one.
120
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,196
What's that?
121
00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:36,915
Daniel hasn't got a tux for the business
awards. I said you've got one.
122
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:40,669
I have two!
You could take your pick, my love.
123
00:06:41,920 --> 00:06:43,592
- I'll go and get them.
- Ooh!
124
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:49,070
- See? He'd do anything for you.
- He's up to something.
125
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:52,954
Oh, I used to think
he looked smashing in a tux.
126
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:56,231
The fun we used to have
at those Rotary Club dos.
127
00:06:56,280 --> 00:07:01,752
Oh, in the mythical bygone golden era,
when you could buy a house for £3.
128
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:06,112
None of you ever mention you only earned
10p a year, though, do you? Whitewash.
129
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:10,039
- You're so cynical, you kids.
- Bandage my tit.
130
00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:13,231
Here it is. This is the best one.
I never really wore the other.
131
00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:14,554
It's a bit too '70s.
132
00:07:14,600 --> 00:07:17,273
Wait a minute,
you're about a foot shorter than me.
133
00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:18,912
I can alter it, sweetheart.
134
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,953
Oh, look at her little eyes
light up at the thought of menial work!
135
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,629
Let me get the sewing machine out.
Ooh, exciting!
136
00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:38,510
Is, um, Mario not here, then?
137
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:42,792
No, he go to get, um...
suite for business awards.
138
00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:44,671
- Aah.
- You want cut?
139
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:47,314
Yeah, I just need it tidied, really.
140
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,476
Cutting it across. Yes, please!
141
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:52,593
No, just a trim.
142
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,710
- Yes, please.
- Yes, please!
143
00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:57,911
Trim across, cut him across, yes?
144
00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,110
What's that?
145
00:08:00,160 --> 00:08:03,755
- Turkish song. You sing?
- Yeah!
146
00:08:07,640 --> 00:08:09,232
That's great.
147
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:15,476
You do know what I mean, don't you?
Just a trim, yeah?
148
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,034
- Trim, yes!
- Cool.
149
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,598
See? You look nice.
150
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,473
You've done a really great job.
Thanks, Mum.
151
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,829
Does my hair look all right?
152
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,678
I don't know whether you can tell.
I've tried to...
153
00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:48,518
sort of bring it...
154
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,835
You look lovely.
155
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,435
Come and see your son!
156
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:57,233
Ooh, I'll pop up and get your cuff links.
157
00:08:57,280 --> 00:08:59,748
Well, well, well.
158
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:03,475
- Just leave me alone.
- That old suit's come up pretty well, eh?
159
00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:07,398
- Yes, it's good actually.
- Yeah.
160
00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,830
Oh, we've had some rum old times,
me and this suit.
161
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:15,590
It's just a pity we never really got
the chance to have it cleaned, though.
162
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:18,108
- What do you mean?
- Well,
163
00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:22,517
it hasn't been washed since
the Rotary Club ball all those years ago
164
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,552
and it saw its fair share of action
that night!
165
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:27,158
What?
166
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:30,397
Your mum couldn't wait for us
to get our clothes off.
167
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:31,714
- Aah...
- Literally!
168
00:09:31,760 --> 00:09:35,878
So it was a case of pop him out
and crack on, so to speak.
169
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:38,593
It was here, it was here. It was...
170
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:43,236
Ergh, ergh, ergh, ergh, ergh!
171
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:45,475
Ergh, ergh!
172
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,990
- Ohh, ohh!
- And here's the finishing touch.
173
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,553
Forget it. I'm changing.
174
00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,194
- What?
- I'll wear the other one!
175
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,838
It's, um, Dan Davies. I'm with Ames & Co.
176
00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,916
I'll deal with this one.
177
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,075
Oh, no!
178
00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:09,918
Good evening to you too, sir. Nice hair.
179
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,157
- Look, mate, I don't want any trouble.
- Ticket, please.
180
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:15,236
My friend's got them. She's not here yet.
181
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:19,114
Oh, dear. And it's a little bit chilly
tonight, isn't it?
182
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,839
- Look, I'm going in.
- You can fucking try!
183
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:40,269
Oh!
184
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,436
What a surprise!
185
00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:47,076
- Come to have a little look, have ya?
- No, I was just...
186
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:49,588
Well, I haven't got
my mum's pants on, I'm afraid.
187
00:10:50,640 --> 00:10:52,073
Look, please, mate...
188
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:55,999
I bet you've got a lovely lacy pair
under there, though, haven't you?
189
00:10:56,040 --> 00:10:58,474
You cross-dressing pervert!
190
00:10:58,520 --> 00:11:00,954
Nice little bra under that shirt,
is there?
191
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,719
No, it's... it's a bandage. I got...
192
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,716
I got bitten by a horse.
193
00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:13,271
I'm watching you, you twisted fuck!
194
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:25,951
Evening.
195
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:28,594
Hello.
196
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:30,551
You waiting for someone?
197
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:33,593
Yes.
198
00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,551
My date.
199
00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,670
Oh, right. What does she look like?
200
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:41,395
You won't miss her. She'll have
the most ridiculous outfit in the room on.
201
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:46,274
Maybe she's made more of an effort
than you realise.
202
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,880
Sorry, what?
203
00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:51,639
Surprise!
204
00:11:51,680 --> 00:11:53,477
Oh, my God!
205
00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:56,759
Jo, what the fuck?
206
00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:00,190
Nailed it! You said you didn't want Naomi
to recognise who you were here with.
207
00:12:00,240 --> 00:12:02,879
- Slam dunk!
- So you've dressed as a man?!
208
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:04,751
It's amazing, isn't it?
209
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,791
I had it all left over
from when I was a private detective.
210
00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:10,719
- I wanted Naomi to think I had a date!
- Yeah! And now you have.
211
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,638
Why would I want her to think I'm gay?!
212
00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:15,113
And if I was gay,
why would I be going out with this?!
213
00:12:15,160 --> 00:12:16,309
Oh.
214
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:18,351
This is the most frightening thing
you've ever done.
215
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:21,153
- I do feel a bit silly now, actually.
- Oh, my God! Look at...
216
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,839
It's a bit tight.
It's all I could get in the charity shop!
217
00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:28,670
Well, I'm not letting Naomi see me...
seeing us, like this! I'm going home.
218
00:12:28,720 --> 00:12:31,359
- Dan!
- Oh, Christ!
219
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:35,439
- Hi! I thought I might find you here.
- Here I am.
220
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:38,358
- Oh, y-your hair.
- Yes.
221
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:40,994
Oh, well, it... it doesn't really show.
222
00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:42,189
It shows.
223
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:44,629
- Oh, no, it doesn't...
- It shows!
224
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:48,917
Er, I'm sorry, I didn't introduce myself.
I'm Naomi.
225
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,235
How are you, Naomi?
The name's Damon.
226
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:55,077
And how do you know Dan?
227
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:56,599
We met in Ireland.
228
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,588
Apparently.
229
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,033
We did so. We were just in Ireland,
having the craic over there,
230
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,753
and... and now I'm just over here.
231
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,472
- Sort of Dan's date?
- That's right, yeah.
232
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,192
Huh! No. We're, um...
233
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:12,471
We're business partners.
We've started a business together.
234
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:14,192
That's why we've come here.
235
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:17,357
Great! Finally getting out of teaching.
236
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:21,154
Hopefully next year, win awards myself.
237
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:25,318
Oh, that's great, Dan.
So, what's the business?
238
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:28,351
What?
239
00:13:28,400 --> 00:13:30,834
What business are you starting?
240
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:33,993
It's, um...
241
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:36,873
Dog corks.
242
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,992
- Dog... corks?
- Yes.
243
00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,678
Dog corks.
244
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,393
It's what?
Wh? They're... they're like corks?
245
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:48,476
For dogs, yeah.
246
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,511
And what do they?
247
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:52,676
The truth is, Naomi, no-one likes
to see dog mess on the streets,
248
00:13:52,720 --> 00:13:58,716
so me and, er, your man here,
what we plan to do is, er... cork them all.
249
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:01,274
Yeah.
250
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:04,949
Oh... my God. But surely...
251
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,433
Yes.
252
00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:09,916
You would think that palming a cork
into a dog's arse to stop it from shitting
253
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,952
would be both cruel
and dangerous for the dog.
254
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:16,276
But, in fact, no,
it turns out it's perfectly safe.
255
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:19,710
And, against all odds,
a viable business!
256
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,159
Right.
257
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,431
- Dan, you're bleeding.
- Yeah.
258
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:26,993
A horse bit my tit!
259
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,110
Excuse me, sweetheart,
have you got a minute?
260
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,479
- I want to introduce you to, um...
- Um...
261
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:31,714
Oh, I'm so sorry.
262
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,239
Hi, guys.
263
00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,475
Dan, Damon, this is Ben,
264
00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,592
- er, my... well, my boyfriend.
- Boyfriend.
265
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:42,110
It is so nice to actually meet you.
I have heard so much about you.
266
00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:43,832
Oh, good!
267
00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:46,075
Sorry, you are?
268
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,632
He's Damon. He's from Ireland.
269
00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:53,433
Ah. Your date?
270
00:14:55,880 --> 00:14:58,872
No! He's my business partner.
271
00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:02,674
We're going to be sticking corks
into dogs' arses for a living.
272
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:06,633
Unless, of course, I bleed to death
from this horse bite!
273
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,831
Nice to meet you, Ben.
Come on, Damon!
274
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,836
Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats
275
00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:19,953
for the 2013 West Regional
Small Business of the Year Awards.
276
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,433
And please welcome your host -
277
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:24,392
you'll know him from local weather reports
from right across the county -
278
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,317
Mike Bradley!
279
00:15:30,960 --> 00:15:34,111
- Thank you, thank you.
- Who's this twat?
280
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:37,311
Don't you watch the local news?
This is the weatherman.
281
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,238
...that there's snow business
like a small business!
282
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,396
- He's a weather bell-end.
- Please!
283
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:45,749
Just a little joke there.
Just lightning the mood!
284
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,358
- And calm down on the cider.
- All right.
285
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:51,518
On a serious note. Can I just say...
what a lovely chocolate fountain.
286
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,751
Winner of the Best Butcher Award is...
287
00:16:02,800 --> 00:16:04,870
Big Dave Bowers!
288
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,799
What's he throwing?
289
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:14,278
It's bacon!
290
00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,192
Next up, the award for Best Hairdresser.
291
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:29,035
And the winner
of the Best Service Award goes to...
292
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:31,713
...Bob's Café!
293
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:41,435
I'll get Bob
if you're gonna muck about.
294
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:50,512
And now it's time for a very special
award - the Financial Services Award.
295
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:53,120
- Is this you, Brian?
- And to read the nominations,
296
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,675
I'd like you all to welcome the sponsor
of tonight's event, Ben Bradgate.
297
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,112
Oh, God, this is it!
298
00:17:01,280 --> 00:17:05,353
OK, guys. And the nominees are...
299
00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,073
Paul Johnson Financial Solutions.
300
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,677
Tony Gibson Accountancy.
301
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,072
And Brian Ames & Co.
302
00:17:19,120 --> 00:17:21,429
Ooh, ah, ah!
303
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:25,155
- Beef! Beef!
- Whoo! Whoo!
304
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:26,633
And the winner is...
305
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:28,915
...Tony Gibson.
306
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:31,595
No way!
307
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,075
You don't understand.
308
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,596
No, I'm sorry. I'm not having this.
309
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,313
No. Stop! Stop! No!
310
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,193
Oh, my God! He's doing a Kanye!
311
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:47,153
I don't want to do this, really,
guys, but... I'm so sorry.
312
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,197
Some things have gotta be said, right?
313
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,392
I'm so...
314
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,919
I'm so sorry about this.
315
00:17:56,480 --> 00:17:57,674
But I...
316
00:17:59,320 --> 00:18:00,799
Listen, guys, I know he hasn't won,
317
00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:03,035
but I want to say a few words
about Brian Ames.
318
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:06,755
I think he's the best financial advisor
in the whole world.
319
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,633
This is just one more award ceremony
and he hasn't won it,
320
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,797
and I respect the judges,
I respect the judges!
321
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:17,152
But as far as financial advice goes,
you're not going to get a better guy
322
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:20,988
than the guy who's sitting over in that
corner right now. I can tell you that,
323
00:18:21,040 --> 00:18:23,349
you've got my cast-iron guarantee
on that right now. OK?
324
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:29,232
I don't know who Tony fucking Gibson is!
325
00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:30,872
Good luck to him!
326
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:35,630
I'm sure he can handle a fucking
calculator as well as most men,
327
00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,878
but you want to tell me that Brian Ames
can't do it better, you're wrongl
328
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,753
And I'm sorry to raise my voice, guys.
329
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:49,558
You don't need to be a genius
to work out that this is a quality event.
330
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:52,273
Have a look at the chocolate fountain.
But on this occasion,
331
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:55,949
when it comes to financial services,
we got it wrong!
332
00:18:57,240 --> 00:18:58,992
You got it wrong.
333
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:02,635
I got it wrong!
334
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:08,596
And, guys, let's keep this award ceremony
for us, can we?
335
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:14,954
Can we keep this special award ceremony
real and fresh
336
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,911
and for the people of this town?
337
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:21,431
God, I hope so!
Look after each other, all right?
338
00:19:21,480 --> 00:19:23,277
We're a community here.
339
00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:28,430
Peace. All right?
340
00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:30,629
Naomi, I love you!
341
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,632
Slip, slide!
342
00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:43,916
Um, well, thanks for that.
343
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,160
As most of you will know,
344
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:54,116
Tony Gibson passed away last week
after a long battle with illness,
345
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:59,154
but his widow, Sandra,
and his daughter, Louise,
346
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:02,078
are here to collect his posthumous award.
347
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:17,154
My daddy was a hero.
348
00:20:31,480 --> 00:20:34,278
It was very sweet of you, Dan.
349
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,788
Misguided, embarrassing.
350
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:40,230
I mean, ball-clenchingly embarrassing...
351
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,508
but very sweet.
352
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,388
Let's get some drinks.
353
00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:48,512
No need.
Me and Barbara have sorted it.
354
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:52,319
Come on, Dan!
355
00:20:52,360 --> 00:20:55,989
Dan!
Get a chocolate tache!
356
00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:59,919
Where's that chocolate fountain? Beef!
357
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,514
That table doesn't look like
much fun to me.
358
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:15,719
Barbara, you spoke!
359
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:22,353
Yes. I said that table over there
doesn't look like much fun, does it?
360
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:27,318
I'm glad we're on this table, aren't you?
361
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:28,679
Yeah!
362
00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:31,468
I think I might be!
363
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:35,876
I've always hated the slow dances,
I never get asked.
364
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:39,278
I'll take you for a slow dance, Jo.
365
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:42,359
Wicked!
366
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:08,276
I've had a right laugh tonight.
Haven't you?
367
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,993
Yeah. Yeah, I have, Damon.
368
00:22:12,120 --> 00:22:13,519
I'll tell you what.
369
00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:16,438
- This bra is actually killing me.
- Uh-huh.
370
00:22:19,360 --> 00:22:21,191
What a surprise.
371
00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:24,118
Aaaaaaargh!
372
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:36,955
Aaaaaaargh!
373
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:54,311
Aaaaaaargh!
374
00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,117
Oi! Everyone just calm down!
375
00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:13,554
Hey!
376
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:20,312
- I'm the sponsor!
377
00:23:23,500 --> 00:23:31,500
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