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1
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:06,710
Dan? Da-a-an.
2
00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:09,035
Ah, what is it?
3
00:00:09,080 --> 00:00:11,992
It's the ghost of Naomi, Dan.
4
00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:14,918
What do you want? What do you want?
Leave me alone!
5
00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,951
Still dreaming about me all the time?
6
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,592
Yes.
7
00:00:19,640 --> 00:00:21,596
You're all I dream about.
8
00:00:21,640 --> 00:00:25,076
I've moved on, though, Dan.
Deal with it.
9
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:28,999
It's pathetic looking down at you,
blubbing like a teenager.
10
00:00:29,040 --> 00:00:31,076
I can't!
11
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,237
I can't move on. I can't let go.
12
00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:38,232
Hang on a minute.
13
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:40,077
Why are you a ghost? You're not dead.
14
00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:42,190
Ooh! Well spotted!
15
00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:44,753
You fat prick!
16
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,233
Ha-ha-ha!
17
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:08,000
Ripped By mstoll
18
00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:18,468
Morning.
19
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,954
Ooh, you're all up and ready
nice and early!
20
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,389
Yes, I have a job.
What's your excuse?
21
00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:27,035
Early board meeting to discuss how many
cups of tea you're gonna get through?
22
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:29,036
Yoo-hoo!
23
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,592
You do look nice when you make an effort.
Doesn't he look nice
24
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:37,076
- when he makes an effort, Mrs Wigmore?
- Ooh, he does, handsome fella.
25
00:01:37,120 --> 00:01:39,190
- Still single?
- Course he is!
26
00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:40,992
Still moping around about the old one!
27
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:47,310
Oh, I'm glad my relationship break-up's
so funny, you vile old biffers!
28
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:50,750
You know she does a pre-clean
before you come round, don't you?
29
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,598
- Ho-ho. I'm sure she does not.
- Oh, she does!
30
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,154
You're cleaning freshly-cleaned rooms.
31
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:58,634
I'll start in the front room,
shall I, Polly?
32
00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:01,148
- Yes, it's probably best.
- Just dust the figurines and that.
33
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,919
- Yes, the fireplace is fine.
- Yes, because she's cleaned it.
34
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:10,438
- You're a horrible boy.
- Did she say her only son is horrible?
35
00:02:10,480 --> 00:02:14,439
Nasty old lady with
a little wrinkled face, look at it!
36
00:02:14,480 --> 00:02:16,596
Look at her little claws
picking up the tea.
37
00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:18,756
- Get off me, you daft beggar!
- Isn't she clever?
38
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:22,236
I'll see you later.
Make me some dinner, or I'll kill you.
39
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:26,956
Mrs Wigmore's going to come and clear up
your pigsty of a room in a couple of days.
40
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,070
Your dad says it's in a right state.
41
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,793
Yes, it's almost as if
he dressed as the ghost of my ex
42
00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:33,910
- and beat the shit out of me in it.
- What?!
43
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:35,109
Nothing.
44
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:36,752
- Oh, Dan?
- I've gone now, old lady.
45
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:37,915
I'll see you tonight.
46
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,157
Haven't you got
a parents' evening tonight?
47
00:02:41,200 --> 00:02:42,474
Fuck!
48
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:48,550
Hmm, anything else?
49
00:02:48,600 --> 00:02:50,397
Your car's well wicked.
50
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,557
Well, thank you, Dennis!
Most people think it's a wreck, so...
51
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:57,479
I've often thought, in a certain light,
you resemble a young James Stewart, sir.
52
00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,192
Thank you, Maureen.
53
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:00,992
I wish you were my dad.
54
00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:05,153
I love parents' evening.
55
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:06,633
Right, enjoy your lunch.
56
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,917
Do your worst.
My mum thinks you're a dick.
57
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,391
- Come on, hand it over!
- Give me them!
58
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,634
Oh!
59
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:29,079
Thank you.
60
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,634
I can't believe it. I could have
sworn Lefty was heaviest!
61
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:35,309
You saw it with your own eyes. The right
hooter is carrying four more ounces.
62
00:03:35,360 --> 00:03:36,076
All right?
63
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,678
- Hello!
- Morning.
64
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,950
I've just been weighing
Jo's cans for her.
65
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,831
- Doing my little bit for feminism.
- I see.
66
00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:43,632
I'll get the scales back
and weigh your nuts if you like.
67
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,432
- No, thanks.
- Come on, Lord Lucan.
68
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,948
I'll get the scales back, we'll put
your little hairy conkers on the scale.
69
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,753
Ooh, someone woke up on
the irritating side of bed, didn't they?
70
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:54,713
Yeah, he's been a pain today. I had to let
him weigh my milk sacks to calm him down.
71
00:03:54,760 --> 00:03:55,829
Congratulations.
72
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:59,509
That is the most revolting
description of breasts I've ever heard.
73
00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:00,549
Is it?
74
00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:01,953
Beef bags!
75
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,560
- Oi!
- Mickey! Mickey! Over here!
76
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:10,193
Mickey, Brian. Mickey, Dan.
Dan, Brian, Mickey.
77
00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:11,434
Hello, Mickey.
78
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:12,913
Hello, Mickey.
79
00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:16,032
Are you all set for
the rehearsal tonight, Mickey?
80
00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:17,513
Cool, see you later, Mickey.
81
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,717
Would you like to or shall I?
82
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:22,239
No, please!
83
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,874
- What the fuck was that?
- Mickey.
84
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:28,117
Mickey Two-Face? According to
management, he's my first client.
85
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:29,195
What does he do?
86
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:31,435
Never mind that,
why's he called Mickey Two-Face?
87
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,869
He's got two faces.
He's an entertainer.
88
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:36,199
Certainly enough information for me.
89
00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:37,832
- Brian?
- Oh, yeah.
90
00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:41,156
Tomorrow night, he's doing a gig
above Fat Chan's. Come along.
91
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:44,237
Let me see, going to see a man
with a hidden second face
92
00:04:44,280 --> 00:04:46,748
perform a non-specific act
above a Chinese restaurant -
93
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:47,789
that's not sad, is it?
94
00:04:47,840 --> 00:04:51,196
Look. I know this Naomi thing
has hit you hard.
95
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,798
No, it hasn't hit me hard.
96
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:56,116
I'm perfectly accepting of the fact
that I have nothing to offer women.
97
00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,469
- You have!
- Yeah, you've got that dartboard.
98
00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,153
That is yours, right?
99
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,954
See? I'm trapped.
I'm the Colonel Abrams of my own body.
100
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,877
Who's Colonel Abrams?
101
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,598
Ah, Mr Davies.
102
00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:17,790
- Oh, Miss Lipsey.
- How's it going?
103
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:19,831
Well, I've never been so bored in my life.
104
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,313
Parents are weird.
105
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,319
Where's your mark book?
106
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,828
I don't need it.
It's all up here in the super computer.
107
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:31,396
- Test me, ask me any child's grade.
- OK. Um...
108
00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:32,509
- David Sage.
- B plus.
109
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,278
- You made that up.
- Prove it!
110
00:06:34,320 --> 00:06:37,915
I think a departmental audit
is long overdue for you.
111
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,110
God, just kiss me!
112
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,549
- Let them talk!
- You've got a customer.
113
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:43,919
What is it, the height?
114
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,952
I'll have surgery. I'd lose a foot
of bone for you, Emma Lipsey.
115
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,719
Oscar Wilde will see you now.
116
00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:52,113
I'm not gay.
117
00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:56,229
Mickey Two-Face tomorrow night, sir.
118
00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,840
Mickey Two-Face tomorrow night, madam.
119
00:06:58,880 --> 00:07:01,030
Mickey Two-Face tomorrow night, sir.
120
00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:03,275
That's him, he's practising!
121
00:07:04,920 --> 00:07:08,151
No-one could say that Dennis
is lacking in commitment.
122
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:09,679
He loves it, don't you?
123
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:13,110
Will we wipe the alien scum out, sir,
cut their faces off?
124
00:07:13,160 --> 00:07:14,718
Yeah, maybe, Dennis.
125
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:16,113
He does get quite cross.
126
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,674
- No, I don't!
- OK, all right, Dennis.
127
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,073
Um, look, there's Joe.
128
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:21,951
- Go and play with Joe. Go on.
- Yeah.
129
00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:25,514
I don't let them
cut each other's faces off.
130
00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,632
No.
Mr Davies, he loves your lessons.
131
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:32,195
And since his dad left...
132
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:35,118
- he needs happy times.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
133
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:36,912
Oh, don't be. Good riddance.
He was an idiot.
134
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,029
Ah!
135
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:40,991
There aren't many
decent blokes about,
136
00:07:41,040 --> 00:07:43,759
so you be sure to tell
your girlfriend how lucky she is.
137
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,109
I think her new boyfriend might have
something to say about that,
138
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:47,149
the fucking prick!
139
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:50,878
Sorry.
140
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:52,194
Um...
141
00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:55,430
Listen, um...
142
00:07:55,480 --> 00:08:00,395
If you ever want to go and...
slag 'em off over a drink, let me know.
143
00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:03,309
What?
144
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:06,318
God, I'm so sorry.
Was that inappropriate?
145
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:07,759
Yes, please. Tomorrow, yes, please.
146
00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,034
I'm busy tomorrow, I'm afraid, but...
147
00:08:13,920 --> 00:08:16,195
...you give me a call.
148
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,435
Mr Teacher.
149
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,712
Dennis? Dennis! Dennis!
150
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:29,714
A date, mate, an actual date.
151
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,832
I thought it was over, but I'm back.
I'm back with a heavyweight jam.
152
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:35,075
Dan, that's great, mate, but...
Darling?
153
00:08:35,120 --> 00:08:37,395
- Please, not in your mouth.
- I'm tidying my room, just in case.
154
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,396
Don't try and bring her back
on a first date,
155
00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:41,431
especially not to that dump. God!
156
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,436
Look not in the... In the bowl.
157
00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,597
- She might want to come back, though, eh?
- Look, she's a mother.
158
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:47,550
She'll have a baby-sitter waiting.
159
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:49,556
She'll want more than a...
160
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:52,398
a grope from a fat bloke in a bedsit.
Jesus, you know nothing!
161
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:53,429
Ah, but I do know, mate.
162
00:08:53,480 --> 00:08:55,596
I finally get women at last.
163
00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,232
It's brilliant, I can't stop smiling.
164
00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,238
Dan, you weighed Jo's tits
165
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:01,599
on a set of scales.
166
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:04,029
Oh, my God, is that not OK?
167
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:08,073
It's OK with Jo,
it's not OK with all other women.
168
00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,429
Oh, shit!
169
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,789
What if I ruin the date?
170
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:14,398
OK, you're gonna have to help me tonight.
171
00:09:14,440 --> 00:09:15,509
- How?
- Mock date.
172
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:16,754
- What?
- Mock date.
173
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:17,949
- Eh?
- I need a mock date.
174
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:20,116
Stop saying mock date.
175
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:23,391
Listen, mate, if this goes wrong, you're
only gonna have to hang out with me more
176
00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:25,749
and I'll probably start making
weird noises, like this.
177
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:30,312
Yes, fine, yes, shush!
178
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:31,998
I'll ask Julia if I can pop out for a bit.
179
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,156
Pick me up at eight
and we'll go through some stuff.
180
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:37,078
- Great, mock date.
- No, we'll talk through a few things.
181
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:39,680
If you say mock date one more time,
I won't do it.
182
00:09:39,720 --> 00:09:40,436
All right!
183
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,036
- Are you saying mock date?
- No.
184
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:53,593
- Agh!
- Mock date, eh?
185
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,870
Christ, it stinks in here!
186
00:09:55,920 --> 00:09:58,275
Well, it's hardly a terrible surprise,
I am having a shit.
187
00:09:58,320 --> 00:10:01,835
You've got your own toilet. Stop letting
yourself into my flat for a shit.
188
00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:05,793
Daniel, I had a rack of lamb yesterday,
your mum doesn't want to smell this.
189
00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:07,432
You said it yourself, it's horrendous!
190
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:09,630
I'm trying to get on with my life,
you freak.
191
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:13,389
You don't get me at all, do you?
192
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:14,236
I only want to help.
193
00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,510
What, by curling one out
in my toilet?
194
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,199
- Get dressed.
- Please, Dad,
195
00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:20,673
I've got a lot to think about,
196
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,756
I can't cope with being
attacked today.
197
00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,791
Get dressed while I finish up in here.
198
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:26,876
I want to show you something.
199
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,990
It'll help you, I promise.
200
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:35,671
Mickey Two-Face,
even Simon Cowell said,
201
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,153
and I quote, "He was a bit much."
202
00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,919
Mickey Two-Face, Mickey-Mickey
Two-Face, come along for
203
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:44,078
Mickey-Mickey Two-Face, gi' me ting
and I get you on the guest list...
204
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,509
Jo! For God's sake, turn it down.
205
00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,757
Mickey Two-Face, Mickey-Mickey Two-Face,
not one face but two faces,
206
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:52,553
not one face but two faces, Mickey
Two-Face, Mickey-Mickey Two-Face,
207
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:54,477
come along with the man
with two faces.
208
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:56,511
Mickey Two-Face,
Mickey-Mickey Two-Face...
209
00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,909
Well, what are we doing here?
210
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,428
- That's Brenda Kirkby's old place.
- Who?
211
00:11:02,480 --> 00:11:04,311
My first love.
212
00:11:05,440 --> 00:11:08,034
- Oh.
- Thick red hair,
213
00:11:08,080 --> 00:11:12,119
pale skin,
the most beautiful green eyes.
214
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:16,153
I asked her out to the school dance,
I was so nervous I thought
215
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:19,670
my heart would leap from my mouth,
but she said yes.
216
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,598
She said yes!
217
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:24,039
I couldn't believe it.
218
00:11:24,080 --> 00:11:26,514
Neither of us knew what to do, really.
219
00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:29,313
We held hands, we chatted,
220
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:31,590
we were so happy.
221
00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:35,519
But her mum was religious,
so outside of school hours
222
00:11:35,560 --> 00:11:38,028
we were totally forbidden
from seeing each other.
223
00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:39,832
What, ever?
224
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:42,474
I know,
seems crazy now, doesn't it?
225
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:47,514
I wanted to show her how much
I cared, so every night at 7.30,
226
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:51,155
I'd walk here and wait for her
to come to that very bedroom window.
227
00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:53,873
I'd wave at her and blow her a kiss
228
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:55,797
and she'd blow me a kiss.
229
00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,031
Then I'd walk home again.
230
00:11:59,080 --> 00:12:02,152
- Every night?
- Every night.
231
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,236
18 months and 11 days.
232
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:11,194
That is one of the most romantic
stories I've ever heard.
233
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:15,958
Well, anyway.
234
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:17,672
All's well that ends well.
235
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:20,995
Eventually I fucked
her against that wall.
236
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:22,917
What?
237
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:25,110
Yeah, that very wall.
238
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:28,914
But word to the wise, son,
stay away from those gingers.
239
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:30,598
It's a nest down there.
240
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:32,517
Right, thank you, goodbye.
241
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:35,392
Right here.
242
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,032
Like this...
243
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:54,036
All right, I'm coming, Dan.
Not round the neck.
244
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:55,069
Bye.
245
00:12:56,800 --> 00:12:59,872
Mock date. I bought you a gift.
246
00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:02,229
- What's this?
- Bag of chops.
247
00:13:02,280 --> 00:13:04,077
Well, that's not
a very good start, is it?
248
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:07,351
- Eh? You love a pork chop.
- I'm not me, I'm your date.
249
00:13:07,400 --> 00:13:10,153
You wouldn't bring a girl
a bag of pork, would you?
250
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:13,312
Of course you would. OK.
251
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:17,148
Thank you for my chops,
I'll put them in a vase later.
252
00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:19,156
No problem. Let's go.
253
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,756
Well, this is nice. Well done.
254
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,119
I didn't have a choice.
255
00:13:56,160 --> 00:13:59,038
Jo wants us to go and see that
Mickey Two-Face bloke, doesn't she?
256
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:01,310
Try and make me feel special.
257
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:04,397
You don't want to be single
for the rest of your life, do you?
258
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:08,115
- Can I get you some drinks?
- Why don't you order for us?
259
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,913
- Bloody hell, is this girl disabled?
- Dan!
260
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:14,150
Two pints of lager, please.
261
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:18,557
- Don't buy her lager without asking.
- Christ, this is hard.
262
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:22,388
Right, so here we are.
263
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,352
- Now what?
- What do you mean, "Now what?"
264
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:28,153
I've ordered the lagers,
now let's see what we want to eat.
265
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:32,398
Yes, let's. But let's have some
small talk first. You lead.
266
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:36,709
Are you all right?
267
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:41,072
Yes, thank you. I've been at work today.
268
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,429
- So, nothing very exciting.
- Right.
269
00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,551
- Aren't you interested in what I do?
- I know what you do, don't I?
270
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:52,068
You do that boring thing
in the office with Barbara the mute.
271
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:53,838
I'm not me, I'm her.
272
00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:57,316
So let's say I'm a... I'm a chemist.
273
00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,874
Right, I imagine you really
wanted to be a doctor.
274
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:02,070
No, I wanted to be a chemist.
275
00:15:02,120 --> 00:15:04,475
- Oh, really?
- It's the same training, actually.
276
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:07,432
Yes, and that's what vets say, isn't it?
"It's the same training."
277
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,072
But if it all goes
tits up down here,
278
00:15:09,120 --> 00:15:11,475
I'm not going to ask a vet
to stick his fingers up my arse.
279
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:15,593
I could have done without being
at work today cos little, um...
280
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,108
- What's his name, my kid?
- Dennis.
281
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:20,435
- Little Dennis was poorly.
- Right.
282
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,313
It's tough bringing up a child
as a working mum.
283
00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,795
OK. What would you like to eat?
284
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:30,719
Oh, show some interest, empathise,
you've got no idea how hard it is
285
00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,638
raising a kid, do you?
Forgotten what it's like being myself.
286
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,478
I don't need to empathise
because I teach the little prick,
287
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:38,158
I probably spend more time with him
than you do,
288
00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:42,193
while you're off swanning around
your chemist, writing prescriptions.
289
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:43,389
You're so wrapped up in yourself.
290
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,271
Thank you.
291
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:50,990
Recognise.
292
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:51,950
What the fuck are you wearing?
293
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:55,913
Get lost, it's Hugo Boss,
'90s style, I'm proper big time now.
294
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:58,315
Ignore him, he's being thoughtless.
295
00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,476
Oh, drink your lager, sweetheart.
296
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,795
I'm sorry, Jo,
the mock date's not going very well.
297
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,354
Oh? Listen,
are you still coming to see Mickey?
298
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:08,995
Get there about 9,
you do not want to miss the opening.
299
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,235
Believe me, it's so good, I...
300
00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,475
It made me sick up in my mouth.
301
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,670
Yeah, we'll try, but we've got
a few things to sort out here.
302
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:16,675
Right, I'll see you then.
303
00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:21,514
Are you all right, Brian?
304
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:24,074
I had my hair cut
especially for this.
305
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,633
You haven't said a bloody word!
306
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,752
You're supposed to be making me
feel special.
307
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,268
Three kids I've had,
all day on my own, for what?
308
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:35,233
For a... for a pint of lager
with a stupid man.
309
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,033
Your hair looks nice.
310
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,878
And I won't be like this
on the actual date, will I?
311
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,275
And I'm really grateful
you're helping me.
312
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:53,309
Are you?
313
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:55,435
Yes.
314
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:02,550
- Fuck my face!
- What?
315
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,113
That's her.
316
00:17:04,160 --> 00:17:05,752
- Who?
- The woman.
317
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:09,156
The woman we're doing the mock date for,
that's her, with another man.
318
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:10,872
Ah, Lady Macbeth!
319
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:14,708
Dan, she's on a date,
it's what people do.
320
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,069
Maybe you should concentrate
on the date you're on.
321
00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,839
- What?
- Nothing.
322
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:21,074
I'm going to go over.
323
00:17:21,120 --> 00:17:23,839
Dan, do not go over there.
If you value my opinion at all,
324
00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:25,996
do not go over there.
325
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:37,753
- Well, well, well.
- Hi...
326
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,431
Mr, um...
327
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:41,993
- Davies?
- Yes, sorry I know that,
328
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,349
it's just I've realised
I don't know your first name.
329
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:47,915
- It's Mr Davies to you.
- Is there a problem?
330
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:52,272
Oh, there's a problem, my friend,
my, um...
331
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,515
white-shirted friend.
332
00:17:54,560 --> 00:17:56,516
- Is there?
- I'd say so, wouldn't you?
333
00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:58,039
- No.
- No?
334
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,719
Well, perhaps you'd like to tell Mr...
335
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:04,753
Jeans here exactly what
you and I were discussing last night.
336
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:07,194
No, I wouldn't.
337
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,117
Well, maybe I would.
338
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:10,752
- Dan.
- Get your hands off me!
339
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:15,039
OK, um...
340
00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:19,039
...Mr Davies here is Dennis's teacher
341
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,799
and yesterday we were at
a parent teacher meeting.
342
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,637
That's right, I'm a teacher.
343
00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:25,716
Head of department, as it goes.
344
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:28,832
Oh, he doesn't like the title,
does he?
345
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:31,876
Now, who the hell are you?
346
00:18:33,520 --> 00:18:34,509
Well...
347
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:36,198
He's my probation officer.
348
00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,398
- What?
- Yes, I am.
349
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:43,512
- What the hell have you done?
- It's none of your business.
350
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,120
I think you'll find it is my business.
If I'm going to be dating a criminal
351
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,549
- I'd like to know what I'm up against.
- We are not going to be dating.
352
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:50,272
Come on, mate, give me a steer,
what's she done?
353
00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,595
I'm sorry.
What's going on here?
354
00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:55,677
Well, apparently
my son's teacher is a lunatic.
355
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,154
Listen, if she's just been nicking make-up
cos she's lonely, I can cope with that.
356
00:18:58,200 --> 00:18:59,394
Dan.
357
00:18:59,440 --> 00:19:01,874
- God, this is so embarrassing.
- Yes, it is embarrassing.
358
00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:05,549
So let's all lay our cards
on the table. I'll start.
359
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,717
When I was a child,
I once stole a whole jar
360
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,115
of Kola Kubes from a newsagent.
Your turn.
361
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:13,071
- Please, go away.
- Dan, come on, sit down.
362
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:14,838
Sorry, who are you?
363
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:17,189
- I'm his date, actually.
- Brian!
364
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,834
- Oh, I see.
- No, you don't see.
365
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:21,757
He's not my real date.
366
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,189
- Then what the hell am I?
- Brian?
367
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:25,389
Dan?
368
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:28,877
Oh...
369
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,399
Oh, perfect
370
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:34,911
Oh, well, this is fucking perfect.
371
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:38,191
Oh, well done. You got me.
372
00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:39,434
Checkmate.
373
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:43,189
I don't even believe in you
and you've done me up
374
00:19:43,240 --> 00:19:45,310
like a bastard kipper.
375
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:48,636
Well, fuck you, Winona Ryder!
376
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:50,398
And fuck you, Naomi!
377
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:51,714
And...
378
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:53,591
fuck you...
379
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:54,675
sock feet!
380
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,354
And you, little tiny bag shoulder!
381
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,434
And you, I've seen you behind me,
earrings ears!
382
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,278
Fucking rice mouth!
383
00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:10,830
Fuck you, bat wing sleeves!
384
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:13,394
Oh, someone's put gel in his hair.
385
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:14,714
Fuck you, gel head!
386
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:17,718
Oh, fuck you,
387
00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:19,398
cracker hand!
388
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:23,999
Everybody out!
389
00:20:24,040 --> 00:20:25,792
Mickey's fucked it.
390
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,034
Pub.
391
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,918
Yoo-hoo, Daniel!
392
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,953
- Only me, love.
- Oh.
393
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,356
Oh, dear.
394
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,550
Someone had a bit of a night.
395
00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,079
Bit of an awful night.
396
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,554
Oh, dear, no nice ladies out, then?
397
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:20,833
Plenty of nice ladies, just no nice
Daniels, Mrs Wigmore, I'm useless.
398
00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:26,477
Oh, shush yourself.
You're a lovely young man, I told you.
399
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,996
I'm not, you know. I'm really not.
400
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:38,239
Mrs Wigmore thinks you are.
401
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,513
Um...
402
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:43,079
Well, then...
403
00:22:45,920 --> 00:22:47,319
I'll, er...
404
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:53,433
Shall I?
405
00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:57,159
Yeah.
406
00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:46,500
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