Original subtitles

Right, I'm here. Before you start, Karen, I know I'm late...

What's going on? Why are you all sitting like this?

Y-You've got visitors, sir.

Mr Davies.

Mr and Mrs Elliston are thinking of transferring their daughter to the school,

and she loves drama, so we thought we'd pop in.

Right!

Welcome.

So...

Good morning, everyone.

Good morning, sir.

Right.

Are you wearing slippers?

Yes. Yes, I am.

- Now... - Why are you wearing slippers?

- It doesn't matter. - Is it something to do

- with space mission, sir? - No.

But surely slippers would make it difficult

to get a sufficient purchase on the space rock.

Shut up!

Thank you! It's got nothing to do with space mission, everyone.

It was a little incident with my neighbour's cat and my shoes.

Did it poo in them?

It was just a wee, but it's an old cat, so it properly stinks.

So, where were we with the lesson?

Dennis reckoned he could kick an alien's nutsack off, sir.

We don't talk about things like that in here.

Oh, we do. Often.

Yes, and I've said you can't kick anything's nutsack off,

and that's the end of it.

You can, sir! My uncle kicked a pig's off!

- Jesus! Did he? - Yeah, it tried to bite him!

Yeah, well, they don't like being cornered, do they, guys?

Pigs do not like being cornered.

Oh!

Now... focus!

What's happening with the lesson?

You said we'd meet the alien lizard king this lesson.

Did you forget?

No.

Fuck it!

The lizard king!

Hello.

Ripped By mstoll

I've never seen you eat, Brian.

- It's so weird! - Hm.

Shakira, could I have a little pepper?

Fuck off!

First 10K run of the season tomorrow, so I need the protein.

Shakira's ripped you off, mate. That is egg.

- Dominic says... - Oh, here we go!

Pray silence for what Dominic says.

Dominic says food is key to focus, so I need it.

And, by the way, Jo, egg is protein.

Right. And a pen is a house, is it?

Dominic says I can go for my PB tomorrow.

"Hello, everyone, my name's Brian. I used to listen to my friends,

"but now I'm too busy jog-dogging with Dominic."

Honestly, mate, I think you'd finger a swan if he asked you to.

Sorry, I just happen to find him inspirational.

Three cider quizzes on the bounce you've missed.

You know I can't win with Jo. She thinks ABBA is a person.

Well, I can't go either.

- I'm moving house. - Since when?

Mr Camol kicked me out for not paying rent. No biggie.

I've already got another place sorted.

Well, if I've lost you two,

I truly have nothing left in the world to lose.

There's a mouthful left in that, Shakira.

Bob!

Dan, you're being absurd. You're not losing me to Dominic.

It's him.

"I'm giving you a lie-in tomorrow. Let's meet at 5.35."

That's actually very good.

That is very good

- Very good. - That is... very funny!

Right, fine, I won't go to cider quiz either.

I'll get an early night

and I'll, um... come to your running club with you tomorrow morning.

I don't think running club is for you, Dan.

Shorts?! What do you want with shorts?

I'm making a sports-themed quilt.

Ooh, lovely!

Obviously not. I'm joining Brian's running club.

Don't be silly.

Fuck off! I am.

You can't go running, you silly boy.

Not with your big, fat tummy and Twiglet legs.

Oh, right, whereas you're ripped, aren't you, Jessica Ennis?

I thought a baby elephant had broken in last week

when you wore that sleeveless top.

You have got some shorts, Daniel, but they're from when you were at school.

You can't go running in tight shorts. It gives you a rash - you know it does.

Listen, when I want advice

about pacing myself during the buffing of worthless china tat, I'll come to you.

Until then, get my shorts.

- What's the fuss? - Daniel's going running!

Stop laughing!

- What time are you getting up? - 5am.

Wakey-wakey, Daniel. Rise and shine.

Running time.

Argh! Fuck!

Hey! Fuck!

F... What the fuck are you doing?!

You said you wanted to be woken up early.

- What time is it? - 2.30.

I've only been asleep for an hour! Why are you waking me up now?!

Thought you might like to stretch.

At five!

Oh... God!

You look dreadful!

And why are you wearing slippers?!

Better sort yourself out before Dominic gets here. He runs a tight ship.

I'm shagged already, mate.

I barely slept last night.

Shit! He's here.

Behave.

Team!

- Hi, Dom. - Hi, Dominic.

Hi, Dominic!

Hope you lot are ready for a beefing today.

Beef!

- Yeah! - Beef!

OK. Plate up.

It's a crisp morning. Puts me in mind of Seoul '88.

All right, here's how I read it - we head up Hammer Hill,

then get a rage on through the woods, and I do mean rage.

I can't have any half measures. Watch...

Hot tea.

- Hot... tea! - Beef!

- Beef! - Yes! Come on!

- That's the way we like it. - What the fuck was that about?!

- I'm trying to listen. - Remember, you are in control.

It all starts with the mind.

- Goodness, yes, commitment. Gosh! - Beef!

- Beef! - What's so special about him?

All he's done so far is pour tea on the floor. Big deal.

Come to the staff room, mate. Shakey O'Donnell's covered in the stuff.

Dan, please.

I just don't see what all the fuss is about. He just seems...

Oh, my...! Oh, my God!

Dan.

That's the biggest arse I've ever seen!

What was his sport, mate?

- It wasn't fucking hurdles, was it? - It's not that big.

- Brian, he looks like a centaur! - Look,

this is precisely why I didn't want you coming to running club!

- This is my sanctuary. - It's huge!

We could make money out of this. All we need is a caravan.

Shit! He's coming over. I swear, if you mention his arse,

I will never speak to you again.

- Do you understand? - Good one, men. Hey!

New member alert. Friend of yours, Ben?

- It's Brian. - Hi, Brian.

- Hello. - No, I'm Brian, this is Dan.

Dan, Ben, Brian. Who gives a fuck?

Great to have another pain addict on board.

Glad to see you made a start on the cranberry.

In Seoul, we drank so much of this, we pissed crimson.

Wow! He just flicked the end of my penis.

Never miss. Come on, guys, lunge it!

That arse is so ripe, it's going to come off the vine, Brian!

What's that?

- Looking forward to the burn, Dominic? - Always.

Where do you get your jogging bottoms, Dom?

I have to order them online. It's hard to find the right fit.

- I bet it fucking is! - Dominic,

just to let you know, I've, er, got this old hamstring injury,

- I think it's playing up again. - What?

I said I've got a hamstring injury. I think it's, um...

No.

You haven't.

OK.

Good.

Thank you.

See you on the road, yeah?

It's mental here! I thought we were just going jogging, mate.

Already, I've discovered this red nectar

and I've seen you hypnotised by a human baboon!

I love running club!

I'm going to do everything

- that big-arsed man says. - Look!

It's not that big, OK! Stop ruining running club!

It's pretty big, Brian.

Brian!

Brian!

Brian!

Christ, how much of that cranberry juice have you drunk?!

It's really good for you. You heard Dom.

It doesn't mean you're supposed to drink it all day.

Now, shut up! I'm trying to monitor my heart rate.

If I drink enough of it, I might get a big magic arse.

He hasn't got a big magic arse, you idiot!

I saw what he did, Brian. He cured your leg with his arse.

- He's like a big-bummed Jesus! - OK, he has a method.

I don't know what it is.

I haven't been invited for the one-to-one yet.

Ah! What's the one-to-one?

Dominic...

Dominic's secret is so powerful, he can only tell one man at a time.

Sounds incredible! I totally understand why you're in love with him.

I'm not in love with him!

You are! I am!

I don't have time for this! I'm going for my PB

and Julia's expecting me back to do the big shop.

Brian...

Brian.

Oh, my God!

You all right, boys? You out for a run?

Oh, fuck!

I wish I knew you were coming round.

It's not quite ready yet. It's still a bit of a pigsty.

- Jo? - Yes.

- Is your new house a tent by the road? - Yes! Wicked!

- No, not wicked. - It is weird, mate.

Says the cranberry-guzzling fuckwit!

Hey, listen, I didn't have a house, now I have a house.

- Winner! - It's a tent, you mad bitch!

We should ask Dom what to do about this. Dom would know what to do about this.

No! No, we shouldn't. Dom must never see this.

- Hey, guys. - Oh, fuck! Hi, Dom.

- Taking five? - Just checking my pulse rate.

- What's with the tent? - Hello. I live here.

Ah, a gyppo! Good luck to ya! Live and let live.

I don't really know her.

I've had five cartons of cranberry juice, Dom.

Why?

So I can piss crimson like they did in Seoul '88.

Well, all right, then.

Oh! He got the tip again!

Don't aim for where the dick is. Aim for where the dick is going to be.

- What does that mean? - I think if you just...

Dom, I think I've shaved five seconds off my PB.

You can't beat the crimson piss, Dan. Keep it up.

D-D-Dom, hamstring's... holding up, thanks.

- Glad to hear it, Ben! - It's Brian.

- He seems really nice. - He is.

You should invite him to the tent for drinks.

Jo, you can't live in a fucking tent! How are you going to eat?

How are you going to eat?

- I'll forage. - She'll forage.

This is insane! You have already ruined running club, and you...

Dominic now thinks I hang out with the big one from Bananarama!

- Brian! Why are you so stressed? - And how have I ruined running club?

I have totally embraced that big-butt genius's way of life.

Will you stop going on about his arse?!

- Someone's got himself into a tizz. - Yes.

Here... I've popped a cranberry.

You... idiot!

Just stay away, do you understand? Stay away from me, stay away from Dom!

He's mine! He's mine!

- Argh! - Oh, God!

He's juiced me!

Brian! Why?!

Hey, Dan.

What happened, get juiced? Felt like you were getting somewhere.

I messed up, Dom.

I always do.

We'll see about that.

Get in. We're going to my place.

The one-to-one!

That's much better.

Velour.

Hello.

Please don't be nervous. I'm not a homosexual.

Righto.

- I used to be like you. - Tall?

A directionless loser. A fat dropout.

A pointy dicked, saggy jowelled toss-stick. A...

- All right, mate! - Let me guess.

A woman, right?

A woman you thought was there for ever just upped and left you.

Out of the blue.

Gone.

Just like that.

And you don't know why.

Yes! God, you are magic!

I'm not magic, my potbellied friend,

I've just harnessed something.

Something that could change your life.

I can help you.

I can give you what you need.

But first...

...I have to know that you want it enough.

- I don't know what it is that I need. - You know what it is.

I honestly don't know what it is.

Ultimate control!

You think I don't know about my arse?

Hm? You think I don't know what people say?

You think I haven't heard the calls?

Silverback butt. Bubble bum.

Big icing-sugar-dusted peach!

The cock-and-balled Nicki Minaj!

Huh!

It is big.

Of course I know.

None of these ornaments are more than a week old.

Every shit costs me ｣300. But I don't care. And you know why?

Because I have control, Dan.

It's not about looking at my behind.

It's about looking within.

Teach me.

Teach me, you massive-arsed guru!

Oi! Come back here!

First of all, we centre ourselves with the trigger.

Look at me, Dan.

When I pull the trigger finger,

I have taught myself that the wild horses of my mind are tamed! Do you believe it?

- Yes! - Then express it!

Cure me with your arse!

I feel the rush of control coursing through my veins, Daniel!

I don't understand, Dom!

- Do you want to see the power of control? - Yes!

Then tell me your PIN number and pull your shorts down!

- What?! - Do it!

1-9-6-8!

Beef!

Beef!

- I've been arrested. - Clearly, Jo.

- Foraging. It's mental. - Jo, they told me what you did.

Stealing a frozen chicken from a shop can never be classified as a forage!

- It's a modern forage. - It's not a modern forage, Jo. You stole!

Don't wind me up! Just let me do the talking.

Well, well.

Oh, God!

- You. - Yes, it is.

It's amazing the levels of responsibility we're given, isn't it?

Can I remind you, it was my friend who insulted you.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Now, you, chicken theft - very serious.

- I was foraging! - I said leave it to me. Shut up!

Look, mate, she's a nutter. Let her go.

Brian! I'm not a nutter! I was hungry. Why are you so angry?!

I came as quickly as I could. What's happened?

Forage nightmare, Dan.

Oh... Hello, Officer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Might have known you'd be involved in this little debacle.

Now, let's process this... king theft.

Theft?

Jo stole a frozen chicken from the supermarket.

OK.

I'll handle this.

I don't think we need to pursue this any more, do we, Officer?

I beg your pardon, I think you'll find a crime has been committed.

- Ohh! - Hey!

Hey, come on.

Come on.

There.

Mmm!

Ooh, that's it.

Mmm, yeah!

What's your favourite memory? Oh!

When they gave me the big special hat with a badge.

- Yeah, hat, mmm. - Like a proper grown-up policeman.

- Mmm. - A big boy!

Mmm, yeah, a big boy! Ooh!

We don't need to keep this silly girl, Officer.

Ooh!

Let her go, yeah. Ooh.

Mmm, yeah.

OK.

You can get your things.

But don't be involved in anything so silly again, OK?

Take your trousers down and tell me your PIN number.

6-0-7-9.

Into the cells.

Yeah!

Oh, my God!

- You saw Dominic? - Yeah!

He gave you the one-to-one.

Yes! He was right. I'm going to be fine.

You got the one-to-one?! I can't fucking believe it!

- Brian, calm down. - Oh, fuck this! And fuck you!

Weird.

Very weird.

Are you? Are you still coming back to mine for the house-warming?

I've, er...

...still got a potato.

I'd love to, Jo.

I'm going to get my life back on track.

Mmm, yeah.

Are you all right?

I'm much more than all right.

What?

Naomi, we're going to be OK!

- Dan... - Sorry, I...

I mean, I'm cured.

- Dan... - I mean...

It's going to take me a long time to harness the power of the control,

- but I think I... I think I'm different. - Dan!

Sorry, I'm talking. I'll stop.

Because I can stop whenever I like, and then I can start,

and then I can stop again.

I'm seeing someone.

- What?! - I've been...

I'm seeing someone.

Well.

I...

have shat myself.

Apologies.

I have had an awful lot of cranberry.

And I'm very tired!

Hello, darling.

You're in my bed again.

A man is at his most vulnerable in his bed, Daniel.

This is where you need a friend.

You fucking nutter!

You're upset. What happened?

I explosively shat cranberry in front of my ex.

Oh, sweetheart!

OK, get a good night's sleep. It'll all seem better in the morning.

Spoons?

Yep.

Ooh!

Ripped By mstoll