Original subtitles

This was a hallway!

Hallway, hallway, hallway,

my room, fireplace!

This is where I kept my formal crowns, my casual crowns,

my "just for fun" crowns.

Yes, this is definitely where my castle was!

Okay, are we done?

Because I either need to find your army

or I need to go and find another one

so I can go and save Isabella.

Oh, relax, chisel chin. You'll get my army.

I just have to figure out where they went,

and if they took my castle with them.

Strangest thing...

I-I know I've never seen this village before,

and yet somehow it seems oddly familiar to me.

I say, peasant, I have a question,

and please don't get all star-struck

because I'm speaking to you directly.

No way! It's you!

I know. You're flustered.

Guys, look, it's Sir Galavant, the famous knight!

[All murmuring]

Hello. Hi.

What a thrill!

Is there perhaps someone else here you recognize?

Maybe...Your king?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Greetings, lowly ones! It is I, King Richard!

I have returned! Good to see you again.

So, I have a question.

What the hell happened to my castle?!

Yeah, we, uh... We sort of tore it down

to make homes and shops for everybody.

Oh, well, that would explain the familiarity.

You knocked it down?!

I demand you rebuild it immediately,

or I will have every one of you drawn and quartered and...

What's going on?

W-why are they not scurrying to do my bidding?

Oh, well, here's the thing.

When you left us to go in search of the Jewel of Valencia,

we didn't hear anything for a really long time.

All right, that's fair. That's on me.

I should've sent a pigeon or two.

Yeah, but while you were away,

we realized that a king is only a king

if the people say he is.

- [Chuckles] - And if they don't,

well, he's just a man with a metal hat

who's only in charge

because his father wore a metal hat before him,

which is pretty crazy if you think about it.

[Laughter]

You know, he's... He's got a point.

It is pretty crazy.

Hmm. So, then we came together and asked ourselves,

"what if there was a different way of doing things?

A better way?

A fairer way?"

Oh, no. I know what's coming.

We've been trying something new in the dominion

Since you went away

With no king upon the throne

We've all been left alone

To build a new tomorrow here today

Right.

What if every single soul with an opinion

Got to have their say?

If on every point of note, we simply took a vote

We'd build a new tomorrow here today

- So, the butcher gets a vote? - Yep!

- The baker gets a vote? - Yep!

And everyone who couldn't vote before

- Except, of course, the women

- And we won't let him or him in

- We mean everybody else

- Except the poor

- Progressive for the middle ages. - Eh.

Then we vote on every pressing public question

- Either

- Yay!

- Or

- Nay!

- Nice. - Everybody gets to choose

Except the you-know-whos

As we build a new tomorrow here today

If you'd like to make a statement or suggestion

- Simply stand

- Oh!

- And hey!

- Him?!

Every person counts the same

Except, of course, the lame

- And the lepers

- And the gingers

- And the witches

- And the Heathens

- And the bastards

- And the Gypsies

- And the commies

- And the hippies

As we build a new tomorrow

A fair and square tomorrow

A more aware tomorrow here today

So, we all will march together towards the future

Well, not all per se

Just the ones who look like me

It's called democracy-y-y-y-y

- The landed

- And the wealthy

- And the pious

- And the healthy

- And the straight ones

- and the pales ones

And we only mean the males ones

If you're all of the above, then you're ok-a-a-a-ay

As we build a new tomorrow

Here tod-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ay

Well, that is intriguing... Voting who to fight.

If you're about to bring up looking for an army again,

I swear to God, I will freak out

because I just lost my [Bleep] castle!

Touchy.

Galavant S02E03 Aw, Hell, The King

sync and correction by solfieri www.addic7ed.com

Hello, my friend.

Richard!

Surprise!

What are you doing here?

Oh, just thought I'd pop in for a visit.

Come here, you. Give us a hug.

[Crown clatters] Oh. My favorite crown.

Don't worry. I'll get it.

What the hey, Gareth?

Aah!

Oh, bloody hell. Not again!

[Door opens]

That is the third time this week

the king has woken me because of his screaming!

I think he's having bad dreams, My Queen.

I want you to fix it.

How do I do that?

Not my problem.

What is my problem is

his screaming is interrupting my beauty sleep,

and do you know what happens

when a queen loses her beauty sleep?

She can sleep in later because she's a queen

and she can do whatever she wants?

She could get a wrinkle.

And if she gets a wrinkle...

She'll make sure you get a wrinkle.

On your neck!

I'm sorry. I'm not being very clear.

I'm really tired. What I'm trying to say is

if you don't fix it, I'll cut your throat.

Okay? Nighty-night.

[Gasps]

Jester: "No. I never loved you, Isabella."

"But I don't understand, Galavant."

"Too bad, sucker. I'm outie."

Play it again.

Oh, apologies, My Lady,

but do you really think it's healthy

to keep reliving this breakup with Galavant?

I said, play it again.

[Sighs]

"I'm Galavant, the jerkiest jerk in all the land!"

Excuse us, Jester.

May we have a moment with our daughter?

Oh, thank God.

[Bells jingling]

Sweetheart...

As you know, we're very sorry about Galavant ditching you.

He dropped you like a plague rat.

But it's been several days,

and that biological sundial of yours continues to grow long

- if you know what I mean. - You're 25!

My mother was a great-grandmother by then!

And while we're happy you agreed

to be forced to marry your cousin,

maybe it's time to start making some decisions, hmm?

At least meet the wedding planner.

He's very excited to meet you.

I don't care about any of it

if I'm not marrying someone I love.

[Laughing] Oh, sweetheart! [Laughs]

Marriage isn't about love!

[Fingers snap]

Let me introduce you to Mr. Wormwood!

Princess Isabella, how delightful.

Chester Wormwood of Wormwood Weddings and Events.

I'm here solely to serve your every wish and desire.

Peasant John: This is our new Rec Center.

We're very proud of it.

[Chuckles]

Oh...My...God.

Those curtains used to be my sheets.

I know because I had the R's embroidered

with the plucked hairs of all the kingdom's redheads!

You'll find we've turned everything from the castle

into something for the common good.

Are you sure you're not planning some big surprise

where you're gonna wheel away some huge wagon

to reveal you've rebuilt my castle but only better, huh?

[Laughs] Sorry, buddy.

Ah! Oh!

"Buddy!"

Oh, great. That's what it is now.

It's not "My King" or "Your Worship" or "Your Highness."

It's "buddy."

God!

I have a question.

Do you still have an army?

A citizen's army, yeah.

Good. I'd like to use it to invade Hortensia.

Absolutely not.

Really?

Well, hang on. I thought this was a democracy.

Aren't you supposed to let the people decide?

Oh, yeah.

Tell you what, there's a town-hall meeting tonight

where anybody can bring up new business.

- Why don't you give it a shot there? - Okay.

Now, I can't imagine a free people ever voting

to send an army into an open-ended foreign conflict

which profits only the few.

That would be madness.

Well, s-sure.

But you're forgetting one thing.

This smile.

[Twinkle!]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. It's nice, isn't it?

Woman: Help, help!

- That's my tunic! - Get off, get off!

Sir, have you been having bad dreams? [Grunts]

Who's been telling you I'm having bad dreams?

The queen!

She's heard you screaming at night and wants me to help!

- Come here. - [Gasps] Oh, God, this is it!

[Whimpers] Shut up!

I'm not gonna kill ya!

[Sighs]

Yes, okay.

I've been having bad dreams about King Richard.

I don't know what to do.

Well, when I was younger, I had a recurring nightmare.

But then my mom helped me figure out what it meant,

and it went away.

No, this is more complicated than that.

It's more of a riddle.

I'm always holding king Richard's crown!

He's accusing me of betraying him.

Yeah, that's a real enigma.

Do you think that maybe you're feeling...

I don't know... A little...Guilty?

What's "guilty"?

[Laughs]

Oh, um...

When you feel bad about what you've done.

That's not a thing!

I'm wasting my time talking to you!

[Sighs]

[Gulps]

Galavant: What do you think?

How about "die for the guy who wants his gal"?

See, "Gal" is a play on your name, and it rhymes.

Yeah, I think it's good.

I just think it's a bit dumb for me.

Oh, oh, but it's not too dumb for me?

Can't even write a slogan for a stupid election.

I'm not a writer. I'm not a castle owner.

I'm not a king.

[Sighs] Do we have to do this again?

Do what? Realize I'm in the darkest hour of my soul?!

[Sighs]

Just go win your stupid election.

Okay.

- Hello. - Woman: Hello.

- Galavant. - Man: It's an honor.

[Scoffs] Are all the stories true?

Hi. King Richard.

Or is it just "Richard"?

Honestly, I have no idea what I am.

Ooh!

If I were a jolly blacksmith

What a happy guy I'd be

I would do all kinds of blacksmith stuff

In my blacksmithery

I would hit the thing with the other thing

Till I made a different thing

If I were a jolly blacksmith

No, I'm not feeling it.

Besides, I'd get filthy.

There must be something better.

Ooh!

If I were a friendly farmer

Wouldn't that be, oh, so sweet?

I'd be planting greens and lots of beans

And other things to eat

Then I'd plant some eggs, then a couple pigs

Then a yummy chocolate cake

No, that's not right.

Besides, any moron can plant a cake.

I want to be special, needed, liked.

I've got it!

If I were a merry brewer

That would be a grand career

I would pick the grapes and peel the grapes

And stomp them into beer

Damn it! [Sighs]

I don't know how to do anything except be a king.

No one wants me to be a king.

If I'm just a jolly nothing

What am I supposed to do?

I don't have a skill, no niche to fill

No one to come home to

Don't know where to go

Don't know how to fit

Don't know who to even be

If I were a jolly

Tailor

Juggler

Barber

Wet nurse

Cesspool worker

Ugh, what difference does it make?

I would still be me

Ah, thank you.

Ah, Barry, the princess is on her way.

Now, remember, not a word about my plan.

The wedding plan?

I thought that's why she's coming.

No, the evil plan, you idiot...

The one to control her mind with this enchanted tiara

and take over the kingdom.

[Chuckles evilly]

I thought that was the scheme.

No, the scheme is the colors.

I'm confused.

[Scoffs, inhales deeply]

Barry, I swear to God...

Okay, for Clarity's sake, from now on,

we'll call it "The Wedding Plan,"

"The Evil Plot," and "The Color Scheme."

Got it? Good.

Oh, she's here. Be cool.

Princess Isabella!

How delightful. Welcome.

Let's just get this over with.

I don't care, I don't care, and I don't care.

Decisions made. Let's go.

Isabella.

Mother, I may have agreed to get married,

but I'm not going to be happy about it.

Oh, but, my dear, I have so much planned for you.

Trust me, this is going to be fun.

First, we get to choose invitations

Make a list of distant relations

Then we can decide on bridesmaids

You need about 20

You're joking? Tell me he's joking. Please?

Next, we'll try on dozens of dresses

Settle on a 'do for your tresses

And we're well on our way

To the happiest day of your life

Right, so, if we're just... Yeah.

- We'll pick your florist

- La, la, la, la, la, la

And then select a manicurist

La, la, la, la, la, la

You'll want to register at all the top stalls

Within the town walls

- No doubt

- Kill me now.

Next on the checklist

We'll get you braceletted and necklaced

Just wait and see it's gonna be like the wedding

We've always dreamed about

Please, God, make it stop.

Then we'll have to spruce up the venue

- Figure out a 30-course menu

- This is insane.

Find a guy to draw some pictures

You're going to want plenty

La, la, la, la la, la-la-la

Plus, we must audition some bands, too

Choose the song you'll do your first dance to

The whole stupid clich?

On the happiest day of your life

Ugh. Can't believe this.

And up on your head

La, la, la, la, la, la

Glowing right above your forehead

La, la, la, la, la, la

You will wear this little present from me

Enchanted to steal your soul

Unh!

And once it's on you

La, la, la, la, la, la

It will cast a spell upon you

La, la, la, la, la, la

You'll do everything I tell you to do

And ruling through you

I'll seize full command

Get rid of the prince

Install my own men

Take over the throne

Till I'm in complete...

Nothing to see here. Move along.

What are you all standing around for?

We've got an affair to break ground for

There's so much to do

Guess who is becoming a wife

[Cheers]

True, my husband's only 11

Still, the wedding's gonna be heaven

Go and get my bouquet

It's the happiest day of my life

Cousin Harry will pay

It's the happiest day of my life

Now you're under my sway

It's the happiest day of my life

- La, la, la, la, la, la

- Unh!

All those in favorous of moving the drinking well

away from the graveyard say, "yea."

Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea!

So, they would prefer to decide their fate by majority opinion

rather than being ruled by me,

whose right to kingship was passed down from ancestors

said to be a god and a mermaid.

Fools.

What are you? The town drunk?

I wish.

At least then I'd know what I was supposed to be.

That position was already taken.

- [Vomiting] - Lucky bastard.

Right, that concludes all old business,

uh, but I do believe we have one bit of new business.

Galavant, the floor is yours.

[All murmuring]

Hello. Galavant.

I've come to ask to take your army to Hortensia

to rescue my one true love.

Who? Madalena?

No. Isabella.

Didn't you already do this?

I don't think I'm quite explaining this properly.

You see, Isabella is actually being held hostage.

We know. In Valencia.

Uh, no. Again, that's Madalena.

Isabella is in Hortensia.

I don't think he knows what he's talking about.

- [All murmuring] - No, I do.

You're just not listening.

It's true love, people. I just need your vote. Please?

[All murmuring]

Uh, die for the guy who loves his gal?

Boo!

[All booing]

Can you hear yourself?

- Look, hey, listen... - Hero?! More like zero!

Woman: You suck!

I can't believe what I'm hearing!

Standing before you is a man of noble intention,

a man who knows what his purpose is...

To be a hero!

And I admire that.

While I am no longer your king...

Unless, of course, you'd like to put it to a quick vote?

All in favor? Yes?

Anyone? Hmm? No?

Fine. [Clears throat]

But if I were still your king,

I would force every one of you to join this man's army,

not because I was a tyrant and a terrible leader

who hosted baby fights,

which I now realize is weird and not that entertaining,

even after the addition of the cobra,

but because true love is rare and worth fighting for.

It is life's greatest purpose.

So...

As someone who is "not" your king...

I ask...

Who will join this fight for true love?

[All murmuring]

I will join, King Richard!

Well, there we go. That's a good start.

Right. Who's next?

[Man coughing]

Anyone at all?

[Coughing continues] [Murmuring]

Well, this is certainly uncomfortable.

Pbht.

Aah!

[Blows]

You did this to me!

- Aah! - [Door opens]

Shh! Are you trying to get me killed?!

I saw his head! It was right there!

And it was giving me that look.

My King, I think I know what's going on.

Richard was your friend.

And, yes, you took his throne and his queen and his kingdom

and his favorite shirts and his weekly bridge game...

Oh, get on with it!

But the fact you feel bad about it is a good thing.

It means you're actually, surprisingly, human.

Maybe I do feel guilty.

I do miss the old bastard.

Look, there was one other thing

my mother used to do for my dreams.

Good dreams only

Good dreams only

Bad dreams out of his head

It's time tonight

For dreams of fright

To leave this little boy's bed

There's one more in there.

Oh.

So, what now?

I'm off to Hortensia to rescue Isabella,

recruit some soldiers along the way,

and after that, march to Valencia to reclaim her kingdom.

Well, I have a surprise.

Your old pal Rick's gonna join you!

What? No. No, no, no, no.

You said you were gonna stay here and figure out who you are.

And I did. I realized I'm the guy

who's going to help you rescue Isabella.

Even though, technically,

I'm the guy who started the whole disaster.

So, what do you say?

Why not?

Awesome! You, me, Roberta.

Oh, this is Roberta, by the way.

Do you remember her from... from the election?

She stood up, pledged to join me.

Watch this.

Oh, Roberta?

Yes, My King?

She calls me "king."

Oh, my God.

Oh, this is gonna be so much fun!

No, it's not.

Well, we should probably go.

I stole these horses and just set fire to the Rec Center.

Dismantle my castle, will you?

[Cheers and applause]

Princess Isabella,

isn't there something you might want to say?

[Sighs] Good news, everyone!

I've set a date for my wedding.

It's in six weeks, and you're all invited!

[Cheers and applause]

[Fanfare]

Does something seem different about Princess Isabella?

Who cares? She's getting married!

Boom! Boom!

[Cheers and applause continue]

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