Original subtitles

There it is.

Valencia.

How do you think this should go down?

Do you think I should save the kingdom and then rescue Madalena?

Or do you think I should rescue, then save?

'Cause I just want it to have a dramatic build, you know?

I mean, either way,

we're all gonna live happily ever after.

Yep.

I'm sure that's exactly how it's going to be.

Especially the living part.

For you.

No reason why you wouldn't keep on living.

Your life. [Chuckles]

You know you're talking, right?

I can't believe we're al-l-mo-o-st the-e-e-re

I can't believe he's al-l-mo-o-st here

You're little Valencian princess

is leading Galavant right into my trap.

He'll be here tonight as the sun has cast

its last shadow upon the earth

and the crescent moon is risen above the Eastern Ridge.

So, like 9:00?

[Sighs]

Yes, Gareth, he'll be here at 9:00.

And I cannot wait!

I will kill Galavant in front of the queen,

surprise her with the jewel, and then finally bed

the most delicate flower in the seven realms.

Attention, donkey turds!

Where is that pox-ridden sack of deformities

known as my hand maiden?

My hair is a disaster.

Gwynne?

My hair!

Forgive me, My Queen.

Was that too much to ask?

[Scoffs]

Just think about it, hmm?

We could, uh, we could do a picnic, you know?

Something super cazh.

For the hundredth time, no.

Your mouth is saying no, but I can see your rotten teeth through that smile.

Go on, you!

She's going to be so surprised!

No, she's not because you keep doing

that stupid "evil king whisper" thing

that everyone can hear.

- How about this? - Lower.

- [Deep voice] How about this? - Oh, please.

[Normal voice] Oh, come on. That was good.

For God's sakes, Gareth. You're allowed to laugh.

What are you two yabbering about?

Nothing, darling. Nothing going on.

That's right. There is nothing going on.

I've been waiting for you to find that jewel

since we invaded this wretched kingdom a year ago!

Maddie, baby... chill.

These things have a way of... working themselves out.

Why are you so calm?

Normally when I yell at you, you get tummy cramps

and have to go poopy... your words.

What can I say?

I'm sleeping well, exercising, laying off the wheat.

Just in a really good place right now.

You're inept.

You're all inept!

I can't even look at any of you anymore.

My husband's a wimp

His henchmen are simply useless

The servants and staff

Are inbreeds and half-wits, too

Oh, God, how I need someone here

Willing to get things done here

Someone who shares my point of view

But who?!

It's you

No one but you

No one's as smart and hard of heart

And looks the part

Like you

Who'd pull off a coup d'etat like you

While rockin' a push-up bra like you?

Well, here's a clue, no one but you

You

You

You

Nobody wheels and double-deals

In killer heels like me

There's nobody who could rule like you

While making her subjects drool like you

While tough to the core like you

Let's face it, who's more like you than you?

No one but you

Who has the brains to break her chains

And seize the reins?

Yeah, you

It's been quite the social climb for you

And, honey, at last it's time for you

So, answer the call for you

And go take it all for you

Who else is going to?

Yes, who?

No one

But yo-o-o-u

You

You

You

Get it, girl! You the queen!

[All cheering] Go get 'em, girl!

Galavant - 01x05 Completely Mad... Alena.

Oh, sorry. I really had to pee.

It takes so long to undo all the laces on my riding pants.

You know, someone should come up with something

around the crotch that would just go "zip."

You could do your business and be done with it.

That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Tell him, Izzy.

It's not a great idea, Sid.

Are you sure?

I really feel like I'm on to something.

Can we just focus?

We've got a castle to storm.

The sun's almost perfect for hero lighting.

I should do some push-ups.

But wouldn't it be better to storm the castle later?

Ooh, how about on a Wednesday?

You never hear of anyone storming a castle on a Wednesday.

The thing is, is Wednesdays are quite hard to rhyme with.

And I'm pretty much 100% sure

they're gonna write songs about this one, so...

Interlocking little teeth

right in the front of your pants that zip together.

- Sid! - You're embarrassing yourself.

I mean, it just feels like you're rushing it.

If you took the time to think about it...

You smell. Really bad.

Princess, I'm a knight of the seven realms

about to ride into a battle so epic...

Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, we should find a place.

I need to wash up.

Oh. Good.

I thought I was having a bath. This is a church.

This isn't just a church.

It's the most famed and revered monastery in Valencia.

[Sighs]

Bum ba-dum bum bum

Welcome to our Abbey, the best in the domain

The order of our father of perpetual refrain

And we're the Monks

Hey, hey, we're the Monks

- Back story, please. - Hey, hey, we're the Monks

Valencian Monks all take a vow of singing.

- Oh, bravo! [Sighs] Kill me. - Hey, hey, we're the Monks

Come in if you are weary

There's food if you would dine

Plus 31 varieties of sacramental wine

And we're the Monks

Hey, hey, we're the Monks

Hmmm

Bum ba-dum bum bum

I'm the smart one

Ahh, Hallelu

I'm the cute one

Boopsy-doo

I'm the shy one

Peekaboo

And I'm the bad boy

But not so bad 'cause I'm a monk

Bless you, children

ooh ooh ooh-ooh

[Vocalizing] We seek shelter...

Water for our horses, and a bath for my friend.

We'll fetch the holy water and holy soap, as well

'Cause, holy Guacamole, that one reeks to holy hell

And we're the Monks

Hey, hey, we're the Monks

Ooh wee-ahh

Jazz hands

Yeah!

Can't we just have a normal adventure?

Is there anyone available to counsel a person

who might, through no fault of her own,

be feeling guilty about a fatal plot she's put into motion

which could lead to the demise of someone she's grown a little fond of?

[Note plays]

Just nod yes or no.

[Bird cries]

Madalena: Where are the kitchen trolls?

Ah.

Hey, m'lady.

Who do I have to disembowel around here to get a cup of tea?

Oh, a thousand apologies.

I was busy preparing for tonight's celebration.

Celebration for what?

Oh, I... I wouldn't know.

I-I'm just trying to stay alive,

and I find it helps not to ask too many questions.

You're close with the king, aren't you?

Eh, I wouldn't call us close, but we hang, yeah.

[Chuckles]

And, um, you fancy Gwynne, my hand maiden.

Sha'!

Listen, I know Richard's keeping something from me.

You find out what he has up his sleeve,

and I will help you get Gwynne into your bed.

Ooh. [Chuckles]

A generous offer, My Queen,

but I'm not even sure we could both fit into my bed.

You sleep in the kitchen?

Or... Do I cook in my room?

Why do I even talk to poor people?

Do we have a deal?

What the hell?

I need all the help I can get.

I sleep in a freaking kitchen.

Okay.

The king is having a secret meeting

where I'm to serve snacks and a light refreshment

as soon as the croaks of the frogs

usher in the raven's last call.

So, like 9:00?

Yeah, 9:00.

Excellent.

Take me there.

Yes, m'lady.

And King Richard said if I didn't bring the jewel

and Galavant back, he'd kill my parents.

So, I lied to Galavant

and told him that the queen still loved him.

He's walking into a trap of my own making!

[Sighs] What can I do?

Break your vow, or I break your pipe.

[Sighs]

- Bum ba-dum bum bum bum

- So, uh...

Bum ba-dum bum bum

So, basically, you made a deal with the evil king,

but that was before you fell for the handsome knight...

[Singing in background continues] Fell... fell for what? Fell for him?

My child, if you argue, I'm never gonna be able

to make it back in time for their big finish.

[Sighs] But I need your advice.

I'm supposed to bring Galavant to the king

when the barking of the hounds wakens the fairies in the evening

so that they may begin their nocturnal dance.

So, like 9:00?

Yeah. 9:00.

[Dogs howling]

It's 9:03. Why am I the only one who's ever on time?

There should be a standardized system

based on the rotation of the earth

in relation to its position to the sun and the moon.

[Scoffs] You sound like a witch.

Regardless, it is very rude of Galavant

to be late to his own killing.

Galavant's coming?

The king didn't give me a head count.

Oh, I came up with the most perfect line

for when I first see him.

In my most intimidating voice, I'm going to say,

[deep voice] "Well, well, well"...

[Normal voice] Nope. I'm gonna save it.

[Door opens]

Oh. Here we go.

[Deep voice] Well, well...

- [Normal voice] Where the hell's Galavant? - There's been a change in plans.

You'll get the jewel and set my parents free,

but Galavant stays alive.

I see.

How utterly predictable.

The princess has fallen for the noble knight.

Of course she has.

I can't let a guy like that live.

Well, then the deal is off.

You'll never see the jewel again.

You're adorable.

No, my darling.

You see, you will bring me Galavant

and the jewel or else you'll suffer the same fate...

As your parents!

[Gasps]

- It's all right, honey. - We're alive.

What?!

The king convinced us it would be funny.

We've been prisoners a long time.

We lost perspective.

[Laughing] You should have seen your face!

You were like, "aah!"

[Laughing]

"Ooh!"

[Sighs] Oh, but make no mistake.

If you don't bring me Galavant, I will kill them.

For realsies.

And we're the Monks, hey, hey, we're the Monks

Yeah

What's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening.

Our Sid sings like a freaking angel.

No, this plan, this whole thing.

- How did it come to this? - Princess, relax.

It's gonna go great.

They already expect these guys to perform at the castle.

We're just gonna sneak in with them

and infiltrate from the inside.

[Clears throat]

Turns out you were right.

As usual, I needed a better plan.

[Sighs] Galavant...

I'm only magnanimous once every 10 years,

so just let this happen.

You saw the best in me and...

Ultimately reminded me what it means to be a real knight.

And here we are.

So, thank you...

For bringing me back to me.

Against all the odds, it's, um...

Well, it's been a pleasure.

You really don't have to thank me for anything.

You actually have a lot of nice qualities...

All on your own.

[Chuckles]

Careful, princess.

You're getting dangerously close to paying me a compliment.

I can do compliments.

I mean, you know your way around a horse,

you're not so bad with a sword,

and your beard magically stays the same length all the time.

[Chuckles]

And... you have an ability to see the best in people

even after they've wronged you.

Like with Madalena.

Right.

Madalena.

Oh, man, this robe is really itching my junk.

Oh, you left your clothes on underneath.

Right.

[Sighs]

I hope you're pleased with what I've shown you.

Judging by the pressure

and what seems like the amount of exclamation points,

it's a little hard to tell.

This is the writing of a happy queen

who's decided to take control and set a secret, evil plan in motion.

Ooh!

Let's keep that last part just between the two of us.

For your fastest pigeon.

This absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

You upheld your end of the bargain, so I'll uphold mine.

You have my permission to make the most romantic of meals tonight

for you and my hand maiden.

Spare no expense... Fresh oysters, braised rabbit,

and a nice Bordeaux from my private cellar.

Oh, I don't even know if she'll say yes.

I mean, we flirt and stuff, but when I ask her on a date, bubkes.

God, do I have to do everything around here?

[Door opens] Madalena: Gwynne!

You're having dinner tonight with smallpox over here.

Yes, m'lady.

You two aren't cousins or anything, are you?

Ah, who cares? You guys couldn't get any weirder looking.

[Door closes]

I know a hook-up from your boss

isn't the smoothest thing, but...

I don't care.

Because, truthfully, I think we could be great together.

But love isn't meant for people like us.

I beg to differ.

If I could share my life with you

Just think how happy we'd be

We'd share our hovel built for two

Complete with vermin for three

[Chuckles]

We could while away each hopeless day

Comparing open sores

Yes, life would blow, but much less, though

If I could share mine with yours

No, I can't. It's impossible!

If I could share my life with you

Admit it, it would be nice

We'd share one cot, one chamber pot

Plus trench mouth, tapeworms, and lice

We would have a dozen kids

And maybe one won't die

And the plague

The runs

Invading huns

Just think how time would fly

If you could share your life with me

I'll Cherish every foul breath

- The filth

- The rot

The leprosy

The painful, lingering death

Thank the Lord our life expectancy

Is merely 32

Yeah, it might be sweet misery

To share what's left with yo-o-o-u

So, me, you, dinner tonight, my place.

You bring that pretty little smile of yours,

and I'll supply the rest.

Yes! [Chuckles]

Right, princess. You ready to get your kingdom back?

I've been thinking.

I can get another kingdom. It's a buyer's market right now.

Let's just free my parents,

get Madalena, and get us out of here.

Absolutely not.

When I make a promise, I keep it.

We're gonna get your kingdom back.

- But... - Once the concert starts,

we're gonna have about an hour to move about the castle.

Where do you think they're keeping your parents?

Perhaps they're up your butt.

Y-you see, because that's the most unlikely place.

I mean, obviously, her parents couldn't be up your...

[Deep voice] Well, well, well.

[Normal voice] Ah, it's too late. I had to go for the stupid butt joke.

Forget it. Guards, just seize them.

Your move...

'Cause I haven't killed anybody all day.

Gareth, we agreed I would say the cool things.

- So, what's it gonna be? - Damn it, Gareth!

Fine.

Galavant, no!

Now let her go.

She had nothing to do with this.

You are so noble.

And yet the women in your life

never seem to honor that nobility.

In fact, this one tricked you into coming all the way here

so I could kill you.

What?

[Deep voice] Well, well, well...

Looks like it's time for dinner.

- Nailed it. - Boom.

But... what the... all that time...

He may not be able to talk, but I can.

This is messed up, princess!

I didn't have a choice. He was going to kill my parents.

Shut up!

Well, seems like you kids have lots to talk about.

I'll let you get to it.

Oh, but do hurry.

I'm executing Galavant in 10 minutes. Hmm.

It's nice to finally have people down here.

Feels lived in.

I'm so sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I...

But what?

You didn't have time?

Not in the hundreds of miles we traveled

or the meals we shared?

In retrospect, the trip through the forest of honesty

would have seemed like an appropriate time.

[Sighs] But my family.

Well, perhaps if you'd told me, we could have made a plan.

[Scoffs] And you would have helped me?

Even if you had nothing to gain from it?

I guess we'll never find out.

[Door opens]

If even a single ounce of you was real,

just tell me one thing...

Did Madalena want me to come for her?

I don't know.

No!

[Humming]

Not so tough, are you now,

Galavan...

Aah!!

Aah!!

Hello, darling.

Madalena?

There's braised rabbit and Bordeaux, your favorites.

You saved me?

Oh, I've done a lot more than that.

We have a lot of catching up to do.

I've written someone,

and he's coming to execute my plan.

He doesn't play nice.

Everything's about to change.

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