All language subtitles for Friends With Better Lives s01e05 The Bicycle Thieves.eng

That was astounding. You ate your sandwich,

my sandwich, and Bobby's sandwich.

Hey, I'm eating for two.

Hundred people.

Lowell: The waiters and I have
a bet going to see how much

you can put away. See, a few of the guys

thought you'd quit after the yam fries.

But I know you better than that.

Thatta girl.

And it's great to see you feeding that baby

growing inside you.

Yeah, great for you. We're
the ones that have to stop

at Burger Barn on the
way home for round two.

Classic Bob. Always quick with a quip.

I'm looking forward to more of
that fun banter tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night's guy's
night, did you invite him?

Andi: I did.

Wha... why?

Every Friday night,

the girls and I do our thing

and you guys do your thing and
I feel like Lowell's left out.

It'd be nice to include
him. What's the big deal?

The big deal is that
guy's night is for dudes.

Yeah.

Yeah, and Lowell's not really a dude.

He's got a penis, how is he not a dude?

Yogurt panna cotta with stewed rhubarb

showered with pansies.

Boy, sometimes you ask a question

and the universe gives you an answer.

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For the last time, you have 13 items.

I have nine items.

Coffee, wine, pickles, bacon,
tampons, chocolate, onions,

condoms and frosting.

You have five onions.

And I don't even want to count
how many condoms you have.

Yeah? Well, I'm safe and popular,

so scan me through.

Hi... Arthur.

Hi.

Wha... You're scanning her through?

What happened to 12 items or less?

It's like she's shopping for a hurricane.

Oh, my God. Is this an express lane?

I had no idea, I am so sorry.

It's okay, honest mistake.

Oh, I get it.

It's happening again.

What's happening again?

You're getting special
treatment 'cause you're hot.

(scoffs) Excuse me?

You're hot. You're very
hot, you know you're hot.

That leads people to give you things,

because gorgeous people get
things that other people don't.

Okay, I am a little hurt by that.

Oh, my God, do you need
me to call a manager?

Manager on register two,
manager on register two.

It's okay, Arthur, thank you.

Thank you, I got this.

People are nice to me

because I'm nice to them.

It's true, she's enchanting.

I hope you get demoted to the regular lane.

(gasps) I cannot believe you went there.

Hi, Wanda.

Andi,

look at you, you're glowing.

Oh, it's sweat.

I ate three burritos.
I got the meat sweats.

I'm disgusting. (chuckles)

- No, you pregnant.
- Hm.

- Anyway, I'm surprising Bobby with lunch.
- All right,

Mrs. Gilbert needs to come back
in six months. And tell her

I know those things aren't
getting up there by accident.

Hi, Will.

Hey, Andi.

(whispering): Who's that?

Oh, that's Raquel.

She's gorgeous.

She's the Playmate of the Year.

Oh, my God, you have a Playmate patient?

She's not my patient, she's Bobby's.

Oh, my God, for how long?

Couple years.

Oh, my God, what is she in for?

Just the standard vagina stuff.

Andi, what a great surprise.

Raquel, I'm ready for you.

You can go on inside and get undressed,

- I'll be right in.
- Thank you.

Whoa.

Somebody smells like burritos.

I'll meet you in the office after?

What are you doing?

Oh, just warming up my hands.

Like I said. When you're nice to
people, they're nice in return.

- Try it and you'll see.
- Fine,

I will be incredibly
pleasant, and because I'm not

all of that, it will not
make a bit of difference.

Hi, Arthur.

Don't know if you remember me.

Oh, the tampon-onion-condom lady.

Look, I-I think we got off
on the wrong foot yesterday,

and I want to apologize.

All right, I am listening.

I didn't mean to devalue you or
the rules of the supermarket.

And I like your vest.

The blue really matches your eyes.

(chuckles) They're actually
green, but compliment taken.

Would you like a Mylar balloon

that we normally only give to toddlers?

Oh, no, that's o... Okay, thank you.

Well, a smile is the raincoat
you wear in the sunshine.

Wow, what a thing to say.

Would you care to donate
to children in need?

I would love to.

Great, just enter the amount

you would care to give on the keypad.

Okay.

Shoot, uh, I-I meant to press
five, but I punched in 50.

All right, $50 it is. No-no-no.

No, I meant to press five,

so you just need to give me back $45.

You want to take $45
away from the children?

No, I'm not taking anything away,

I never meant to give that much. Have you

seen these children?

Do you know what they've been through?

They don't have a balloon.

They can have my balloon.

And I'll take my $45,
so just open the drawer

- and give me the money.
- Is this a robbery?

Yes, it's a robbery, you are stealing

- my money...
- Okay, we're leaving.

I don't get it, what did I do wrong?

You should have told me
you had a Playmate patient.

I never discuss my patients.

Plus, I don't think of her as a Playmate.

I'm a gynecologist.

A vagina is a vagina is a vagina.

Okay, but you look at the magazine.

Well, yeah, that's just me being a guy.

Okay, so which part of you is the "gy,"
and which part of you is the "necologist?"

Andi, this is crazy. I'm a doctor.

What, are you gonna have a problem

with every Playmate patient I have?

There are others?

Yeah, well, you get February,

February tells November,

November's like, "Hey, October"

So how many are there?

I don't know... six.

Six.

Teen, 16.

16? There's only 12 months in the year.

Yeah, well, sometimes it's twins.

So Lowell is joining us for guy's night.

Yeah, well,

you know, I thought about
it, and Andi had a good point

about him being left out.

And she saw Raquel.

Just trying to make my life easier.

So, what's on tap for tonight?

Oh, just a little

something called red velvet cupcakes!

Ah...

Cupcake, I cannot wait
to put you inside me.

Too far?

Oh, it's getting ready to start.

Here we go. All right.

G'day, lads!

- Hey!
- Hey! - Here we go.

Oh, I thought the girls were out tonight.

They are.

Then what's with the wine and the cupcakes?

And what are you watching?

The Good Wife.

It's a good show.

What kind of dude's night is this?

What are you gonna do later,
braid each other's hair

and cut pictures of boys out of magazines?

First of all... (chuckles)

this is a red velvet cupcake

with buttercream frosting.

And it pairs beautifully
with this Pinot Grigio.

What? No, boys, come on.

I thought we'd start drinking here,

then we'd go to a bar

and we'd drink some more,

and then we'd come back here

and keep bloody drinking.

- Duh. I mean...
- Of course.

You misunderstood us.

We-we like to start with the cupcakes

to line our stomachs for the bourbon

- and-and the whiskey.
- Right.

Bourbon is whiskey, Bob.

Obviously.

We're testing you.

Give me that.

There it is.

Oh...

Burns.

Burns...

Just admit I'm right and you're wrong.

I was nice and he still didn't ring me up.

Okay, you weren't nice.

You tried to steal money
from starving children.

I went through this with Arthur,

I went through this with store security,

I'm not gonna go through it with you.

You are never gonna believe

who Bobby's patient is.

Raquel Pomplun, Playmate of the Year.

- No!
- Really?

Yes. And not just her,
there are other Playmates

and actresses and, like, five supermodels.

(gasps)

Bobby's had his hands on supervag?

I know.

This whole time I thought
that he was examining

ordinary, run-of-the-mill women all day.

I thought I was his supervag.

First of all, Bobby worships you.

Second of all, a pretty face

does not necessarily mean a pretty vag.

It's true.

For all we know, this
one's is a horror show.

Okay, mine... is very pretty.

And nice.

But it's true.

Gorgeous women can have gross ones,

and gross women can have gorgeous ones.

- Remember Suzette DiPrima?
- Yes.

Stunning face.

They called her flapjacks.

- You know, because there was sort of a...
- Yes, we got it.

Thank you.

Maybe I'm just getting in my head.

I'm sure mine is just as great

as Bobby's gorgeous patients.

- Well...
- Eh...

What?

We've seen you in the sauna.

And?

Let's just say

the garden's gotten a little...

- overgrown.
- Yeah.

When was the last time you got a wax?

I don't know.

Who keeps track of these things?

Most women.

Forgive me if, in my current state,

I don't want to get naked
in front of some stranger.

You don't have to go to a stranger.

- There are at-home waxing kits.
- Yeah.

I'll buy one for you,

and you can hack through it

in the privacy of your own home.

I mean, really?

Do you want your baby to enter the world

through that haystack?

(Will groans)

I feel horrible.

(exhales)

Why is it so dark?

'Cause your hand is covering your face.

Rise and shine, boys.

Lowell, are you not hungover?

Oh, yeah, I've never been
in more pain in my life.

Pancakes?

Why do I have underwear in my pocket?

That's my underwear.

How do you reckon we got back here?

'Cause I don't remember
anything after Bobby threw up

and we got kicked out of that taxi.

I remember break-dancing
in the mall for money.

I remember bikes.

Did we buy bikes?

Did we steal bikes?

Not just any bikes.

Police bikes!

We stole police bikes.

From the police.

- Oh, my God!
- Shh!

(quietly): Andi and
Charlie are still sleeping.

And panicking doesn't help anyone.

Who's panicking?

This is bloody awesome!

Nothing like a prank to
bring the boys together, eh?

It's not a prank. It's a crime.

We stole police bikes. From the police.

Okay, I'm sure if we just take them back

and explain to the police,
they'll understand.

Oh, yeah, sure. 'Cause if there's one thing

the LAPD is famous for,
it's their understanding.

We could go to jail.

Cupcakes and The Good Wife
just weren't enough for you.

Don't put this on me.

You guys said you go drinking all the time.

- Clearly we were lying!
- All right, all right.

Look, let's not point fingers, all right?

- We all know this is Lowell's fault.
- What?

All right, look,

we need a game plan, all right?
We got to have these bikes

out of here before Andi wakes up,

and the police station
is seven blocks away...

And?

Sorry. I thought I was
gonna throw up again.

We take the bikes

- through side streets and alleys
- Yeah.

And we do what any
responsible adult would do...

leave 'em at the police
station and run away.

Excuse me, miss, could you
go a little faster, please?

I'm trying not to draw attention to us.

We're going so slow my
bike keeps tipping over.

Boy: Cops!

What? What? Where? Where are the cops?

It's us. We are the cops.

Bet you these are the kids
that egged Mr. Kaplan's car.

I mean, sure, Kaplan's
a douche, but still...

Hi, Officers. We weren't
doing anything. I swear.

- Actually we're not...
- (American accent): We're not gonna arrest you this time.

But we're gonna be watching
you, you little sons of bitches.

Now step away from that stuff!

Yeah. Or else we'll... shoot you.

- What?
- No, we're not gonna shoot them.

But we will arrest you.

Please don't. My parents will kill me.

Well, lucky for you, we're
feeling generous today.

We'll let you off with just a warning.

Stay in school and don't do drugs.

Now get out of here, you little perps.

Go on. Get!

(all laughing)

- That was awesome.
- (Australian accent): Right?

How badass were we just then?

And you with the American accent.

"Perps"? Where'd you learn that?

Jules loves Law & Order. Chung-chung.

Well, we had our fun here.

I think we all know what we need to do now.

(Chamillionaire's "Ridin'" begins)

All right, the wax is almost ready.

30 seconds till the deforestation begins.

I can't believe I'm doing
this. I mean, the best part

of being married, you guys, is
that you get to let yourself go.

What about love, companionship, intimacy?

(laughs)

(timer dings)

Anyway, you're not doing this for Bobby.

You're doing this for you.

And us. Seriously,

going to the beach with
you is traumatizing.

Jules: Andi,

you're gonna have to trim
first. Do you have scissors?

I do.

Okay, well,

let's not set the scissors up to fail.

Now go give that kitty a crew cut.

Well, we cleaned up the streets

of this upper middle-class neighborhood.

Maybe time to return these bad boys.

One more lap?

Just to make sure everything's safe.

Protected serve.

(grunting) Boom!

All right.

(siren wailing)

Cops!

(wailing continues)

(whoops, wails, chirps)

(wails, whoops, wailing)

(wailing stops)

Hi, Officers. Yeah, I know

how this looks, but, actually,

- we can explain. You see, last night...
- I stole the bikes.

- What?
- Bob,

you're a dad and you're a doctor, mate.

All right, you got too much to lose.

Look, I got really drunk last
night. I made a stupid mistake.

My friends were just helping
me return the bikes. So...

if you're gonna arrest
anyone, it should be me.

Well, it seems like you feel
pretty bad about it. Uh...

how 'bout you take the bikes
back down to the station.

We'll, uh, forget the whole thing.

- Really? Officers, thank you so much.
- Thank you.

This'll never happen again.

Thank you! Have a good day!

Think we should've told
'em we were strippers?

- I'm hot.
- Yes, exactly,

you're hot. That's why the
world gives you things.

No, I mean I'm physically warm.

And my eye is all itchy.

Andi: Guys, the wax isn't getting hard.

It's still all sticky. (thump)

What happened?

I knocked stuff off the counter. Oh, no.

Now a toothbrush is stuck on there.

Nope, got it off.

Don't tell Will.

Well, the wax should be hard by now.

Well, it's not. Can you read
the instructions, please?

Okay. "Apply wax to desired area."

It's all over the desired area.

And it's dripping into
some very undesired areas.

"Immediately use fabric strips to remove."

There are no fabric strips.

"Fabric strips sold separately"

What? What'd you just say?

(quietly): Get your stuff,
get your stuff. We're going.

Andi: Guys? Guys?

Um, I think we have a problem.

- Yeah, no kidding we have a problem.
- Guys?

No, no, no, no, no. I touched
the wax and then touched my eye,

and I think I'm having
an allergic reaction.

Does it look bad?

You know, I think the
swelling's going down.

Really?

No, your eye looks like a sideways vagina.

Look, I'm sorry I didn't check
if the wax had paraben in it.

I can't keep track of
everything you're allergic to.

Paraben. Paraben is the
only thing I'm allergic to.

You know what? I just
want to get my Benadryl

and my calamine and my ice creams.

And I just want to go home.

(gasps)

I'm sorry, that is clearly

more than 12 items.

Oh, no, Arthur, it's me.

The nice girl from yesterday.

I just, I had an allergic reaction.

And I'm in a bit of a rush, so...

Oh, interesting.

Anyone else here in a bit of a rush?

Wait, I'm confused.

When she was in before, you
let her sail right through.

Hmm, I wonder what's different?

Arthur.

You're not dissing me because of this?

No.

I'm dissing you because you
have more than 12 items.

This... is God's problem.

Oh, you know what, Arthur?

Why don't you take that smile raincoat

and shove it up your...

Go, go.

They ran away.

They both ran away and
I had to deal with it.

I had to use one of Charlie's dinosaur toys

to scrape it off.

Well, why were you in that
situation in the first place?

Because I wanted to be pretty down there.

What with all the vaginal
glory you stare at all day.

Oh, my God, is that what
this is about... Raquel?

I can't compete with Playmates.

Ever since I had Charlie,
whenever I sneeze,

a little pee comes out.

You don't have to compete.

No one's comparing them to you but you.

Andi, I think you're the sexiest
woman in the whole world.

- Really?
- Yes.

And in my professional
and personal opinion,

your vagina's perfect.

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you, too.

What?

Nothing.

Okay, The Good Wife is fantastic.

Julianna Margulies is strong,
yet she's so vulnerable.

Right? She lights up the screen.

Cheers!

All: Cheers!

(doorbell rings)

Oh... top off my Pinot for me, will you?

Hello?

Kid: Eat it, you douche.

Kid 2: Bulls-eye!

Those little sons of bitches.

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