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Friday Night Dinner -- Episode 02x06 - "The Mouse" -- Addic7ed.com

House is looking good. Outdoor bathroom. Nice touch.

Very Roman. Isn't it?

Hello bambinos.

Professor Bossoms.

'All right, Dad? What?

Oh, excuse the shithole. It is a shithole.

When are they gonna finish? Who knows? The year 70 billion.

What's wrong with the toilet now? Well read the note, you cretin!

"Bog Buggered"

They've buggered everything these builders - the bog, the boiler, the electrics.

I told Mum they'll probably start buggering each other soon.

And they've buggered it up in there as well!

That looks nice.

Yeah, your mother decided she wanted some red in the house.

So we started painting and then we realised that it looked...

...like a whore house? Yep.

Where's Mum? In the shed.

The shed? What's she doing there? Hiding.

Hiding? Yeah, from the mouse.

What mouse? Mum saw a mouse in here.

She saw a mouse in here? There's a mouse in the house?

Yeah. The builders must have buggered up it's lair or something.

Mouse lair.

Now she won't come back in until I find the wretched thing which means I'm the one making sodded dinner.

God help us. Yes, help us o' lord. I know.

Might as well be boiling a table. Let's go see her then.

Where was the mouse? Er, over there.

Bugger.

You all right, Mum?

Has he found it? What?

The mouse. Has he found the mouse? Er, not yet, but I'm sure it'll...

I'm not going back in until he's found it.

Aw Mum! What?

That means Dad's making dinner. Yeah, so?

We might die. We will die!

I'm sorry! You know what I'm like about mice.

Total psycho? Exactly.

Well? I found it. It's gone.

You found it? Really?

Yes. Really.

You really found it? I really found it and then I really killed it.

Aww! Poor mouse! Never mind poor mouse. Poor Mum!

How'd you kill it?

What? How did you kill the mouse?

I strangled it.

Martin!

Does it matter how I killed it? The bloody thing's dead.

Well where is it then? Look, if you don't believe me, I'll show it to you.

Both pieces. Aaargh!

No, that's okay. Aw, well done. My hero.

Erm, so does that mean you'll be making... Yes! Make all a lovely dinner.

Oh, you've been so brave.

Did you really find the mouse? No.

Well what if it turns up again?

It won't turn up. What? You've trained it, have you?

Ah, shut up! Pass me the screwdriver, simpleton.

You know Mum will have a heart attack. Is that a bad thing?

Right. 'Ere.

Oh! Blimey!

Now, careful. Some of these might be live.

Live? Bloody hell, Dad! The thing is, which ones?

Martin, where are the...

What are you doing? Making a bomb.

Well, don't make a mess on the carpet.

Have you seen the little bowls?

Aw, god. That'll be Jim. I know it.

Why does he have to come round when the house is such a shithole?!

Hi Jim. Sorry we're just...

Hello, Johnny. Adam.

I just thought if your Dad needed any help with anything around the house...

Thanks, but he's doing the electrics, so... Electrics!

C'mon Wilson.

Are you qualified to do electrics? That depends what you mean by "qualified".

Now then Martin...

Hello Jackie. Oh you look nice.

Oh thanks, Jim. We're just about to have dinner.

Are we? Er, "we" are. Yes.

Oh yes. Of course. I was just helping Martin with...er,

...what were we doing? The wiring.

"The wiring".

Careful you don't touch these...

Shit! Shit on it!

Oh my god! Martin! He touched the bleedin' wire!

Is he dead? Jim!

Jim! I told him not to bleedin' touch it!

What are we gonna do? We'll have to try and resuscitate him!

Er, how?

Well, somebody's going to have give him the "Kiss of Life".

Bye. Goodbye.

Boys!

Martin, go and give Jim the "Kiss of Life". I'm not kissing a man.

No way! Me either!

Thankyou very much!

Aw god!!

Wilson! Jim, it's me. Jackie.

Jackie...oh Jackie! Erm...Jim...

Jim. You can let go now. C'mon Jim. Well done, luv.

Well done, Mum.

You've had a nasty shock. Are you okay?

I think I might need a little bit more...

How do you feel now?

Like I've been forced to eat pins and... somebody's got a big magnet.

Okay. ...And also I'm on fire.

But otherwise, you're...? Otherwise, I'm fine, fine.

Has "Nut Features" gone yet? Not yet!

Not yet, Martin.

Sorry. I didn't see you there.

I'm sure you'll be wanting to get back home soon.

I probably shouldn't be moved too quickly. I do feel a terrible hunger all of a sudden.

Erm, why don't I get you some biscuits. Thankyou. Can I have twelve?

Are you mad? Adam, we've got to ask him for dinner!

Mum, there is now way. Yeah, Mum. No way!

Boys!

I agree. What are you talking about?

"Nut Features" staying for dinner. There is no way!

Sorry, we almost killed the man. The least we can do is feed him.

Mum, he isn't staying. I can't send him home!

I can. Shut up, Martin!

Well, he's not having any crumble. Crimble crumble! Absolutely not!

Yeah, no way is he having any crumble.

Okay. Alright. Comin' in here and eating our crumble...

Johnny, hide the crumble. Good idea.

Hide the crumble? Where shall I hide it?

In here.

What are you doing?

Well done, Johnny.

You're horrible!

Yes?

Hello. Oh, hi Jim. You all right?

Well, the shaking's mainly stopped.

Good. Good.

I managed to do wee-wee without making too much of a mess.

Well done.

So, I better be off, I suppose. C'mon Wilson.

Are you sure you're all right? Oh yes, Jackie. You mustn't worry about me.

I'll be fine. Fine.

Bye, bye all!

Friends.

Jim, would you like to stay for... Dinner?

Oh Jackie! Jackie!

Friday night dinner with you!... ...and...the others.

Did you hear that, Wilson? We've been invited for a real Jewish dinner!

Right. Well. Best get changed! There's really no need.

No Jackie. Must get changed into my finery. It's a special night. A very special night!

Bye all! C'mon Wilson.

What?!

Oh, where is he? So we're definitely agreed then, yeah?

He comes in - "Hello Jackie. Hello Jim". Three second chat.

Straight in here. Food already on plates.

No crumble because we didn't make any crumble, remember?

Yes! Food in gob. Dinner done. Proceed to front door.

"Goodbye Jackie. Goodbye Jim." Yep, that's what we do.

You're so cruel. We're sticking to it.

Ooh, the potatoes.

Sorry, but I'm starving.

Erm...Dad? What?

Your little friend.

Jesus! Oh shit! shit! You've trained it very well.

The shitting thing!

What are you doing? What?

Do you want to burn the house down?

Why were you whacking the candles like that? Um, I got angry.

At what?

The candles just suddenly angered me.

He's here.

Shalom! Shalom!

Erm, shalom. This is for you, Jackie.

Ooh thanks Jim. It's was my aunty's.

Oh!

She had it by her death bed. How nice.

C'mon Wilson.

Lie down, Wilson. Okay, so if you come straight through..

Straight to dinner? Oh yes. Tradition.

Jewish tradition? Exactly that.

So if you'd like to... Yes of course. Shalom.

Shalom Jackie. Tight squeeze.

And where do you sit? Erm, well I sit here...

I see.

Oh, that's Martin's place. That's Dad's.

Erm, that's my place. Of course. No. I'll just sit over there...

Um. This is my chair. Oh well. Chair and chair alike.

Jim. Maybe if you'd sit over there, next to Martin. Yes of course, Jackie. Shalom. Shalom.

Shalom.

Shalom.

Right, Mum. Oh, I nearly forgot. Do I put this on now?

What is it? It's my Jewish hat.

Oh, you mean your Yamaka. Ammakum?

Yamaka. You don't need to put it on, but if you want...

Ammakum. Yamaka.

Ammamakacub.

Okay. Why don't you take your jacket off Jim? Oh yes. My jacket.

Your Yamaka matches your shirt. Thankyou, Martin. I made it myself.

Martin. Food!

Is it going to be a very religious meal? Not really, Jim.

Ooh! There are the candles. Yep.

Here we are. Thanks, Mum.

Thankyou, Jackie. Shalom!

Yes, thankyou Mum. Shalom! Yes, Shalom!

Shalom to you all!

You buggering lunatic! Martin!

What did you do that for? Yeah!

It's tradition. Tradition?

No Jim. That's the Greeks.

Oh yes. The Greeks. Should I...? Er, no. It's alright. Just eat your food.

Good start.

Do you know that this is the first time that I have ever eaten Jewish food?

Really? Well, it's all quite normal.

Lovely bit o' squirrel.

Squirrel?

All right, Jim?

Yes. Just enjoying some of your traditional Jewish drinking water.

Okay.

It's really delicious.

Go on. Tuck in. Jackie, could you pass me a biggish spoon?

A biggish spoon? Yes, please.

Um, Johnny. Here, Jim.

Thankyou. Yes, I prefer to tear my food. Look...

Nice? Hmm. Is there any vinegar?

Excellent.

Vinegar? Here. Thankyou, Martin.

Hmmm...it's nice now, Jackie. Thankyou.

Martin, are you circumcised?

What? Are you circumcised?

Well, don't ask me. Ask my wife.

Is Martin circumcised? Yes, Jim. He is.

And the brothers, did you have them done? Yes, they're also...

Thankyou. Yes, thanks Mum.

I see. As a set?

Any wine? No thankyou, Jackie. I'm fine with my

refreshing Hebrew water

but I am looking forward to your famous apple crumble.

Oh Jim. I'm sorry. I didn't make one tonight.

She didn't have time. No time.

No time. I didn't have time.

Never mind. Still, this is nice. Thanks.

No. No. I mean "this" is nice.

Family..."To my new family!"

You're...um...new family.

You bastard! Adam!

He put bloody salt in my drink! Skill!

Oh I am sorry, Jim.

Thirsty!

Erm...it's a mouse. Aaaaargh!

This is good. Yeah! Yes it is, isn't it?

But you told me you'd killed it! Well maybe it came back to life.

What? Both pieces? Yes. Is this the ketchup?

Er, no. That's for slugs.

I didn't know they made ketchup for slugs. Ketchup's in there, Jim. Top drawer.

Thanks. Why are you keeping ketchup in the shed?

Hmmm? The mustard? Ah, second drawer down.

Thankyou, Martin. I wondered where that had got to!

Hmmm. This is delicious, Jackie.

It's probably the best meal I've ever had in my entire life.

Really? Awww. Apart from something they once gave me in hospital.

Right. Mini banana!

Well that's dinner over. Yep. All over.

So Jim, Mum and Dad are really quite tired... Yes. What's that?

So it's probably time you... Yes of course. Time to leave.

Right then.

Ooh. One thing. Is there a final Jewish prayer that you say?

Sorry? One that you do at the end.

Yes there is.

Thankyou lord for our delicious meal, but now we all must go immediately home to our sacred beds

as quickly as the lord can send us. On your marks, get set, go! Amen.

Amen. Amen!

Oh, what a super religion! How do I join?

I'm just not happy being in here when its still scurrying about.

It's all right, Mum.

If you do see it, Jackie, just put a drinking glass over it and

slide a piece of paper underneath... Oh no, that's spiders..

Yeah, Jim. That's spiders. Well, C'mon Wilson.

Is that a...crimble? What?

That's a crimble. Er...

How did that get in there? Erm...you must have forgotten you made it.

I forgot I made it. She forgot she made it.

I forgot! She forgot she made an apple crumble.

Right, so thankyou Jim for finding the crumble that I had forgotten I'd made.

No problem at all, Jackie. I take mine with cream.

It's very exciting. Very.

Here we are.

I've been looking forward to this for so many years. Well. Hope you like it.

Oh, here. Let me just move this out of the way for you.

Oh, be careful!

Oh!!! You shitting tit!

God! Jesus! So much blood!

There's so much blood! It's paint, Jim!

So much paint!

Just don't move Jim! I can't see!

No, no, don't touch anything!

I mustn't touch anything. Oh, my god. The walls.

Or the TV! The TV!

If that's oil paint, it'll never come off!

Oil paint! Erm...

Please tell me it's not oil paint. Please tell me it's not oil paint!

Okay. It's not oil paint.

Is it oil paint? Yes, it's oil paint.

That's it Jim. Keep going. Keep going.

Not far to the shower.

Try not to get anymore on the walls. The walls. No, Jackie.

Oh the bannisters! The bannisters!

C'mon Jim. C'mon. Shower's just in here.

Here we are.

Mind the door. The door.

Mouse. Mouse.

Jackie, would you like to help me clean myself?

That man is never coming for dinner again. Oh really!

Hello all. Hi Jim.

Here are your towels. Thanks.

Um, is that my dressing gown? Yes.

Great. Is the bathroom all right?

Well things still function in there. Good.

Though it does look a bit like an abbatoir. Fabulous.

I suppose I should probably leave you. Yeah, you probably should.

Thankyou all!

It was a lovely evening, apart from well...everything that happened.

Yes. Goodbye Jackie.

Goodbye Jim. Of course...No.

Oooh, I never had my crum...

Oh! C'mon Wilson! Wilson!

At last.

That's it. Lovely. Time for bed.

Quiet Wilson. Remain!

Ohhh! What was...?

Aw! What! Yet again!

He'd better be dead this time!

What are we going to do?

Oh...Right!

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