Original subtitles

All right?

Yeah. Take this, Pusface.

Yes, Lord Pissface.

Just drag it along here.

Oi!

Ow.

Hi!

God, worst job ever.

Won't be that bad.

How is clearing out the loft with Dad not that bad?

You're right, it will be that bad.

Hello?!

I'm upstairs, one minute.

You know I'd love to help, but...

Yeah.

Adam?

What?

Can you...?

Agh!

I got you!

You bastard! How did...?

You didn't really think I'd dislocated my shoulder?

What?! Well, why do you...?

There's no way they'll let me do the loft with this on.

Right. Very good. Very clever.

Coming!

OK, and... putting it back on and...

Well, obviously I'll just tell Mum.

Fine. And I'll just tell her all the grotty details

about what you got up to with Hayley Posner.

Hayley...?! You bloody dare!

Hi, what are you...?

Oh, my God! What happened?

Jonny dislocated his shoulder.

You should have told me.

Oh, it was just a little fall. I didn't want to worry you.

Oh, you are too thoughtful, Jonny.

Isn't he!

Hayley Posner.

Where's your stupid dad? Martin!

Probably still in that rancid old loft.

I'm really sorry, Adam,

but I think you might have to do it without me tonight.

Well, of course he's doing it without you tonight!

Of course!

All right, my darling. I'll get you a nice cup of tea.

I want to speak to you.

Hi, Dad!

Hello, bambinos.

There you are.

Hmm. I thought you weren't talking to me at the moment.

I'm not.

Have you seen your youngest son?

Oh, Jonny.

I know, Dad.

Why are you wearing your bleeding suit?

What?

You'll ruin it up there, you moron!

Amazing.

Martin, Jonny's not going anywhere. Can't you see he's injured?

Oh, I thought it was a scarf.

A scarf?

A scarf?

You know, fashion.

Oh, it's Val.

Hi, love.

So it's just you and me, then?

Yeah, just you and Pusface.

It's quite nasty up in the loft.

Oh, dear. Is it?

Horrible.

What's that on your chest?

Pigeon shit. A bird got in.

Great.

Aah!

Um, Dad, can you excuse us just one sec?

Right!

What? Get off!

What you doing, you div? What?

OK. You are not to say a bloody word about Hayley Posner!

So long as you don't say a word about my shoulder.

Jonny, Hayley Posner is Aunty Val's niece.

Who you took on a date, shagged, and then never called back,

just because you thought she "smelt like Mum"!

Number one, I never shagged Hayley Posner. Number two...

she did smell like Mum!

Whatever!

It wasn't even her perfume, it was her natural smell.

I really don't want to know.

It was like being in bed with...

Mum?! Urgh!

What are you two berks doing, playing in the toilet?

Adam was trying to kiss me again.

Pair of prannies.

Now, listen... I might as well let you know,

your mother and I haven't been getting on very well recently.

Great. That's not depressing.

We had a row.

About what?

Personal stuff.

What sort of personal stuff?

Sexual stuff.

Oh, Dad!

We didn't want you to actually answer that question. God!

Sorry! No, your mother's really not happy at the moment.

Right.

Last night, she threw some plums at me.

Plums?

Yes, plums.

And a lemon.

Sexual stuff?

So...?

They never have sex?

They always have sex?

They have sex in cupboards?

In skips?

With tramps?

Yeah, I know, Val, but... it's like he's obsessed with her.

How can I compete with that woman?

What's Dad been doing?

Er, who's Dad been doing?

I don't think I want to know.

I know I don't want to know.

Let's not know.

Let's not know.

Good boy, drink your tea.

Your biscuits, Sir Piss.

Oh, here, darling.

Thanks, Mum.

Oh, you smell nice tonight, Mum.

Do I?

Yeah, you smell really lovely.

Oh, thank you, darling. What a nice thing to say!

Adam, smell Mum.

Oh, don't be silly!

Go on, smell her.

I'm OK thanks. How's the shoulder?

Fine.

Fine, as in it's perfectly all right, or...?

Oh, by the way, Val's coming tonight.

Really? Aunty Val?

Yeah. I really needed a friend here tonight.

Oh. OK.

Well, it'll be lovely to see her. Won't it, Adam?

Oh, she'll want to know all about how you got on with Hayley.

Really?

Hayley?

Wait, isn't that Aunty Val's niece?

That's right.

Jonny!

You were nice to her, weren't you, Bobble?

Of course I was nice to her.

Get us some more biscuits, would you?

Er, shit off.

Adam!

Adam, loft.

Lovely to see you too.

Martin, we're having dinner soon. Go away.

Does this mean you're talking to me now?

And can you please not come near us with your filthy chest hair?

Oh, it's fine.

Martin, there are things living in it. Just go and have a wash.

But I had a wash yesterday...

Your father...

He's really upset me.

Has he?

Oh, dear.

You know, sometimes he just needs to remember that...

I'm a woman.

OK, more biscuits?

Thanks.

Sure.

Er, should you be doing that there?

What?

That, over the potatoes?

It's fine.

It's medieval.

You're worse than your mother.

Adam? Put the crumble in the oven, will you?

OK. God!

Bloody hot tap.

Done it!

Ow!

Burnt my shitting nipple!

You definitely didn't mention this.

Didn't I?

You definitely didn't.

You said you wanted us to help you clear out the loft.

This is the loft.

This is the loft, yes. But this is the water tank.

Well, I meant clean out the water tank, then.

Well, I know that now, don't I?!

What's all that stuff in it?

Oh, just general filth.

Don't worry, you'll have your dinner first.

Oh, I get fed, do I?

And we'll drain out the water.

That's good to know. I won't drown.

Dad!

Why couldn't you get a man to do it?

You're a man.

No, I'm not. Not a proper man.

He's not a proper man.

Oh, please piss off.

Yes, piss off, Jonny.

If your mother sees you up here, she'll only throw another fit.

Or plums.

Yeah, or plums.

Well, have fun!

Oh, and one other thing.

What?

Best not do it in all those clothes.

No, course not, I'll do it in my underpants.

Yes, that's what I normally do.

Coming back up for this.

Sorry, you want me to get into the water tank in my underpants?

It's all right, I'll be in there too.

Me and you in our pants?

Mmm, father and son nudity.

Boys, Aunty Val's here!

Aunty Val's here.

Oh, bloody Val.

You better not tell her anything about...

you sleeping with Mum?

No doubt your mother's been yabbering on to Val

all about our problem.

What is your problem?

Oh, no, don't ask that!

I told you, sexual.

Adam!

Sorry, I really didn't think he'd say it again.

Excuse me.

Jackie, can I say something?

What, love?

This really is a lovely bit of squirrel.

Yes, one of the best bits of squirrel I've ever eaten!

Thank you, Martin. Can you go and check the crumble, please?

Check it for what, lice?

Just go and look at the crumble.

Very funny, Val, lovely bit of squirrel.

Where's the bloody oven gloves?

Oh, just look...

Impossible.

Aunty Val?

What?

What's going on with Mum and Dad?

I can't tell you that, it's too...

personal.

Yeah, we know.

Boys, I can't.

Right, is it another woman?

I'm really not allowed...

Oh, love the way you've done the potatoes, Jackie.

Oh, thanks, love.

Very fluffy.

The crumble smells funny.

It doesn't smell funny.

Is it off?

Ju.. Oh, just sit down.

Adam and I are going into the loft later, Val.

Really?

Oh, yes. Aren't we, Adam?

Yes, Dad.

In their pants.

Val, you'll never guess what I found up there earlier.

Martin, Valerie really doesn't want to know that.

Yes, she does.

What was it?

Half a rat.

Oh!

Dad!

Oh, well, thanks for telling me, Martin.

Quite badly decomposed.

Martin! Val's eating.

All right, she's not eating a rat.

OK, why don't you eat down the end of the table, then?

Hmm? Go on.

What?

Yes, go on.

Go to the end of the table...

and eat on your own.

Happy now?

Didn't actually have a head.

Sorry, Val.

Oh, it's OK, love.

So, Adam, you going to make me wait all night then?

For what?

What happened with you and Hayley, silly?

Oh, Hayley.

Oh, Hayley!

Well, I... You know...

went on a date with her.

Yeah, she knows that.

I know that.

She knows that.

What else do you want me to say?

Well, her mother said that Hayley really liked you.

Ooh!

Girl liked Adam? What is she, a blind alcoholic?

But apparently, you never called her back.

Didn't you?

Why didn't you call Hayley back?

Yes, why didn't you call Hayley Posner back?

Well, I...

Tell us, was there something wrong with her?

Shut up! I just...

You know...

Let me guess...

She had an annoying laugh?

Her hands were too big?

She... smelt funny?

Smelt funny?

Did she smell funny?

No, of course she didn't smell funny.

That crumble smells funny.

It does not smell funny!

I'll get that!

No, sit down. I'll go.

Close.

Hello, Jackie. I really...

Oh, hi, Jim. Wow, you look...

Yes, ca... can I come in?

It's... it's a bit of an emergency.

Really? Um...

OK.

Thank you. Wilson, you stay.

Everything all right?

Everything?

Wh... why are you dressed so...?

I mean, you look like a real gentleman tonight.

Oh, thank you, Jackie. And so do you.

Are the... are the others here?

Maybe they can help too?

Err...

OK, come through.

Yes.

Jim's here. It's... an emergency.

Yes, it's a real emerge...

Twins?

What?

Tw... twins?

Oh! No, we're not...

We're not related.

No, Jim. This is Val, my best friend.

Val.

What's the emergency?

Oh yes, has anyone got...

a phone charger?

That's the emergency? You need a phone charger?

Yes.

Well, my mobile phone has run out

and I need to make a telephone call.

See, Wilson did something terrible with... with my charger.

Just terrible.

And you need to do it now?

Yes, I have only got the number in my telephone, you see,

and it's... it's for tonight. I'm having a date.

A date?!

Yes, with a lady.

Ooh, how exciting.

Yes, where...? Where did you meet this lady?

In a yellowish room.

I'll just go and find a charger.

Yes, go and sniff it out!

Thank you.

Ow!

What kind of phone is it?

A portable one.

Right.

Wearing a bib?

No, she was meant to be coming round tonight for dinner,

but she hasn't turned up.

How strange!

Yes, it is strange, so I... I really must call her.

You've made her dinner, have you?

Oh, yes.

Aww, how romantic! What are you having?

Sheep.

Here, this one fits.

Thank you, Jonny.

Adam.

Thanks all, better be off.

Oh, Wilson!

Oh, he... he's gone up the stairs!

Wilson! Come down, Wilson!

Where's he gone?

Upstairs.

Upstairs?

'He's going into the loft!'

He's going in the loft?

The loft?!

'Don't worry, I'll get him!'

Feel free to give that tank a good scrub, Jim!

Why don't you go and help him up there,

instead of just stuffing your fat face?

I thought you were ignoring me.

What?

Oh, just pass the ketchup, would you?

I'm sorry, did someone say something?

I didn't hear anything.

Val, could you pass me the ketchup?

Don't help him, Val.

Don't worry, Jackie.

Boys, could you...

Here you go, Dad.

Leave it!

Right!

Thank you.

Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!

MMM! Mmm... Mmm...

Wilson!

Ooh!

Oh, Wilson. You're a bad Wilson.

Wet!

My god, Val. I am so sorry about him.

Oh, don't worry, love.

Yes, I'm sorry it's been like this all evening, Valerie.

You see, my wife's suffering from a condition known as Mad Womanitis.

Right, that's it. Out!

What, for saying Mad Womanitis?

Yes, you heard me, out!

Mum?!

Shut up, Adam.

It was only a joke. Mad Womanitis.

A joke, was it?

OK, and was it a joke that thing that happened the other night? Hmm?

What thing?

But I didn't do anything! Oh, Valerie,

talk some sense into her, for Chrissakes.

I'm sorry, Martin, but if you don't mind my saying,

I think what you did to Jackie that night was disgusting.

Thank you, love.

Disgusting!

Um, what has he done?

Please, tell us!

But I didn't do anything.

You know very well what you did!

And don't you dare tell those two boys a bloody thing, you hear me?

Now get out!

You can't just chuck Dad out like that.

Oh, can't I?

Well, if you're so happy having a father who did what he did,

why don't you go with him, then?

What?

Go on, both of you. Out!

So where are we going to go, then?

I don't know, the pub?

What? Not the horrible, horrible pub.

Yes, the horrible, horrible pub.

Where are we going?

The pub.

The punk?

Yes, we're all going to the punk.

Is this it?

Ooh, yes.

The friendliest pub in the world.

Evening. How are you?

What?

How's business?

Business?

Dad...

How's your business doing?

Shit.

Oh.

Can you just order?

Um, yes, three drinks, please.

What three drinks?

Um, what would you recommend?

Well, we've got beer, lager, spirits.

Shall we get one of each, then?

Sorry, one moment, please.

Dad, when was the last time you went into a pub?

Um, 1997.

To buy a drink?

To use the loos.

Three pints of lager, please.

We're going to get it out of you eventually.

I told, I can't say. Mum will do her nut.

But Mum is a nut. Come on, was it another woman?

Oh, Jonny, please.

All right. Another man?

Two women?

Two men?

Two dogs?

Er...

Mum?!

Jackie. Jackie?

What?

What are you doing here?

Well, you came to the pub for a drink,

so we came to the pub for a drink, or is that not allowed?

But...

Oh, come on, Jackie, what are you having?

Oh, dear!

Bloody hell, I suppose I'd better go and talk to the woman.

Is that a good idea?

Probably not.

Two gin and tonics.

I'll get those.

Um, can you leave us alone, please?

What?

I'm having a drink with my friend.

That's right.

Don't be so stupid.

Oh, I'm being stupid, am I?

Er, is this man bothering you, ladies?

Yes, actually.

You heard the lady, move away from the bar.

Sorry?

Go on, then.

What?! I'm not listening to him.

What did you say?

Everything all right?

I said what did you just say?

I said I'm not listening to you, thicko!

What?!

He doesn't mean that.

He calls everyone a thicko.

It's all right, boys.

No, it's not all right. Your father is getting on my bloody nerves!

Can you keep your voice down?

Seriously, my bloody nerves!

I said can you keep your voice down?

Just shut up!

She doesn't mean that.

She tells everyone to shut up.

Right, that's it! You and you, out!

What?!

Come on, you're going. You're going.

But it's his fault! Yes!

Don't listen to them.

But...

You're leaving.

Out!

So you're still not talking to me?

No, I am not!

But Jackie, I... Right, you, the loft.

Ugh!

Go on, Pussface!

Come on, Jackie!

OK, that's it, that thing is coming off now.

No way.

Yes way! It's coming off right this second.

Get off! Get...

Argh! Argh! Aah! Aah!

What's the matter?

What happened?

I...I think I've dislocated my shoulder.

OK, so first, we're going to need to give it an X-ray.

OK.

And while we're at it, we'll take a quick X-ray of the other one.

Sorry, the other one?

Yes, the other one. Good idea, Doctor.

And then we can...

Sorry, um, the other one, it's, er... You know what,

it's really feeling suddenly a lot better.

Really?

Really? It's a miracle!

Yeah.

Er, ah, I guess it just clicked back into place or something.

Ha. Nah, no, I think I'm, er, cured, Doctor. Yeah, really.

Thanks. Thank you.

Oh, not now! One moment, please.

Great, isn't it?

OK, what's going on?

Nothing, nothing's going on.

Jonny...

You dare!

Jonny was pretending to have a bad shoulder all night,

to get out of doing the loft.

What? Martin, did you hear that?

No.

I can't believe you, Jonny, you bloody little liar!

All right, then, the reason Adam didn't call Val's niece back,

after he slept with her...

Oh, god!

Ow! What's that for?

You're not to sleep with Mum's friends!

Not Val! Val's niece.

Oh, in that case, well done.

No, one minute. You slept with Val's niece?

Only a bit.

A bit?

Yeah, and he didn't call her back

because he thought she smelt like you, Mum.

You didn't call her back because she smelt... like me?

Yes.

What, what's wrong with my smell?

Nothing's wrong with your smell, when it's on you.

What was the problem?

She smelt like Mum.

Ooh, smelt like Mum. Ooh!

All right, now all our stuff's out in the open, what about you two?

Why don't you tell us about what your stupid argument's

been about the whole bloody night?

Yeah.

It's personal.

It's sexual.

How did you...? All right, what have you been telling the boys?

I haven't been telling them anything.

Really?

OK, no, go on, Martin. Tell them, then, go on.

Tell them what?

All those things you did. To her!

But I didn't do anything.

Really?

I think you better tell us.

Tell your sons who it was with.

Dad? Dad?

All right.

Lady Di.

Sorry?!

What?

Lady Di.

Lady Di?

Yes, Lady Di.

Lady Di, as in Lady Di? The Lady Di?

Yes.

Lady Diana? Lady Diana Spencer?

Yes, Lady bleeding Diana Spencer. Lady Di.

You see!

I dreamt I was in a bath of milk with Lady Di.

I'm sorry, what did you just say?

I dreamt I was having a milk bath...

A milk bath?

Yes.

Did he say dreamt?

Yes, with Lady Di.

It was a dream?

All about your dad

and Lady Diana Spencer, naked - naked...

in a bath of milk.

But in a dream.

You see, it was nothing.

It was not nothing - it was you and Lady Di!

Yeah, in my head, in my fast asleep head!

It's completely different from real life.

In your head, in the bath, it's the same thing.

It's really not the same thing.

Sorry, but that's what you've been arguing about the whole night?

Dad's ridiculous, stupid dream?

Incredible!

Incredible!

Actually, it really was incredible.

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