Original subtitles

Here you go, Pissface.

Get off. God, you're such a tosser. Ow!

Such a baby.

Shut up!

Look at me in my little red glovie wovies.

It's called being cold.

Hi, Mum!

Hi, boys.

And Mummy's going to wash all my dirty clothies for me.

Why are you just talking in your normal voice?

Such a baby.

What? For having a broken boiler and no hot water?

What? For having a broken boiler and no hot water?

What, you mean these?

Oh, get off!

Oh, hello, bambinos.

Hi, Dad.

Atchoo!

Ah, God!

Nice one, Dad.

Oh, excuse me!

That was gross!

That was incredible.

I've got a lousy cold.

Well, thanks, and so have I now.

It's only a few germs.

- Yeah, a few hundred million germs. - You all right?

Hi, Mum. Dad just sneezed on Pissface.

Martin, please can you stop sneezing on everyone?

What?

Oh, just put your bosoms away.

I told you, I'm bloody boiling.

Your dad!

I swear I'm so hot I could rip my own skin off.

Feel free.

What's this box, Mum?

Leave it! It's a surprise. I'll show you later.

A surprise?

What shall I do with my dirty washing?

Well... well, don't dump it there. Put it in the shitty basket.

What?

The shitty basket.

Oh, the shitty basket.

Mm, crimble crumble.

Off!

Here, shitty basket.

Thanks.

So come on, then, that box...

Oh, God! Not in my hair! Jesus!

Ha-ha! Yes!

Ah, excuse me again!

You're a pig!

You're a genius.

Go outside.

It's not my fault.

Just go outside and finish...

whatever you were doing.

Well, I can't control my nasal passages.

Atchoo!

I've probably got head cancer now.

Agh, he sneezed all over a baby today. So embarrassing.

Wash this snot out of my hair.

What? What's this?

Stop it!

Stop what?

Argh, it's in my eyes!

- What is? - Mum!

Bye, Pusface!

Jonny!

Can you help me, please?

Um, I'm a bit busy at the moment.

Why are you bringing a lawnmower in here?

Cos I'm going to use it to slice up your mother.

No, it's all buggered.

I think it must have chewed up a bird or something.

Nice!

Finally!

I do my hair in there sometimes.

Really?

Yeah, and me bits.

Where do you want it?

Just put it down. Not on me!

Good one, Dad!

Your mother!

Where is he? Adam?

Pus for brains?

Atchoo!

Well, aren't you going to say "bless you"?

Bless you.

- Oh, thank you. - Doesn't Adam's hair look nice?

Ha-ha.

Agh, get off!

What is the matter with you two?

Ow!

Probably too much testosterone. It's the same with male gibbons.

So go on, then.

Oh, OK.

So, Dad and I were clearing out some old stuff

the other day, when we came across this box.

We didn't know what it was...

Taking too long.

Much too long.

Ah, cool!

Oh, my God, Jonny's stupid old cap!

Oh, yeah!

Let me put it on for you.

Ah, get off!

Jesus!

Jonny.

I don't remember this.

- Er, it's a pencil. - Yes, Dad. Jonny...

Argh! You bastard!

Adam.

Oh, my God! Look at little Pusface!

I know! And look at Buggy.

- Urgh, disgusting Buggy. - Buggy was not disgusting.

Ooh, you loved that rabbit.

He used to do things to it.

Very good.

Used to kiss it all over his body before you went to bed. Remember?

See!

Yes, OK.

Er, thank you.

What is it?

Adam's diary from when he was 11. Isn't that amazing?

- Give us a look. - It's private.

Private? You were 11.

So? Did you read it?

Course I didn't read it.

Did you read it?

No, I just told you, it's private.

Dad, did Mum read my diary?

Um, only April.

April?

And some of May.

Excellent.

I told you not to.

Oh, no, sorry, your mum didn't read it, that was...

a different woman.

I forgot what I was meant to say.

- You didn't read it? - No.

Good. Least there's someone with...

Just half of September.

Great! So everyone's read my diary.

I haven't.

Well, thank you, Mum and Dad, for betraying me.

Don't be so dramatic.

There was nothing interesting in it anyway, was there?

Most of it was about that thing you had with your bottom.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah, Adam's arse problem.

Oh, very good. OK, can we eat now?

Oi!

"I love Mummy and Daddy so much, sometimes it makes me cry.

"I would kill myself if Mummy and Daddy died

"in a terrible accident or even if they just died." Amazing!

Come on, give it.

"June 6th, Jonny lost Pandy today and cried so much he was sick."

Jonny!

Mum, do you remember when I lost Pandy?

Oh, yeah, when he lost Pandy.

What animal was Pandy again?

A panda.

Oh, yes.

OK, now.

"But he's not going to find it unless he looks in the outside bin!" What?!

I don't remember doing...

"I went out and dumped it in there

"and it got all covered in smelly old onions,

"and that's the end of Pandy." You threw my Pandy in the bin?

What? It was a long time ago...

What happened?

Pusface threw Pandy in the outside bin.

Well, go and get it out, then.

Martin, it was 15 years ago.

Oh, well, it would have definitely rotted away by now.

- How could you do that? - Oi!

Do you know how much I loved my Pandy?

Jonny, it was years ago.

Exactly, it was years ago.

Mum, it's Pandy we're talking about. Pandy!

Well, maybe you shouldn't have done that, then.

Oh, Adam, you're a naughty boy. Martin, tell him.

You're a naughty boy.

Dad!

Come on, then, din-dins.

OK, well, I'm going to find Buggy and I'm going to shit him up.

You are not going to shit Buggy up.

I am going to shit Buggy up.

Boys, enough now, all right? It's dinner time.

Yes, listen to your mother.

Thank you.

You can shit Buggy up later.

Nice soup?

You killed my Pandy.

You killed my Pandy!

Nice soup, Martin?

What is it?

Vegetable.

Tastes like pear.

I will find him. I'll find Buggy.

You don't know where he is.

Yes, I do.

So, you'll move that stinky old lawnmower out the kitchen, then?

Yes, when I've fixed it.

I keep tripping over it in there. Do you want me to break my neck?

Ooh, yes, please!

Ooh, yes, please!

Argh! Argh! Burning! Argh!

Serves you right!

You are not touching Buggy!

Adam! Jonathan!

Boys!

Let go of... Get off.

Argh!

Let me in, you bastard!

No way!

It's my room!

Your old room.

I am so going to find him and shit him up!

You don't know where he is.

- Nor do you! - If you even touch Buggy...

Get off!

Won't be long.

What are you...?

Get out of that.

Argh!

You little bastard.

You sod! My legs are...

Where is it?

When I find him, I am going to rip his stupid little rabbit head off.

If you do that, I'll...

Argh!

What is it?

Nothing!

Jonny.

What?

Goodbye... For ever!

Let me out. Open the door.

Sorry, you'll just have to die in there.

Open the bloody door!

Adam!

What is going on?

Why are your...?

Open up, you absolute shit!

Have you locked Jonny in?

Oh, no.

Piss off, Pissface.

Mum!

All right, Jonny!

God!

Dad!

It's the bloody drive belt.

Where can I hide Buggy?

Why are your legs all...?

Just help me! I need to hide him.

Give it here.

Mm, mm, mm,

mm, mm, mm, mm.

There.

I'll pretend I didn't see that.

I'm going to kill you!

Oh, God!

Where is he?

Will everyone in the house please just calm down?!

Pusface? Pusface? Where is he?

Bloody drive belt.

Argh! Pus features?

All right, Jonny.

Thanks, Dad.

Agh! Oh, hi, Jim.

Hello, Jackie. Oh, you look nice.

Where is that piece of shit?

Oh, sorry, Jim.

You've lost a piece of shit?

Have you seen Adam anywhere?

Go inside.

Have you seen Adam?

I thought you were Adam.

Oh, never mind.

Pusface?

That's a piano.

Um, yes.

It's very realistic. I could almost play it!

Ding, ding, dum.

Can I help, Jim?

I used to play the piano.

Did you?

No, not the piano, the bassoon.

Right.

Yes, it didn't really agree with me.

I see.

Gave me the hiccups, but... but sort of in reverse.

Oh!

OK. Uh...

Jim? Jim?

Jonny?

Adam.

Have you... have you just escaped?

What?

Well, the bindlings.

Oh, no...

I had no idea they were treating you like...

No, it's OK, Jim.

I could call someone to help, like... like a special man.

Jim, I need you to do me a favour.

A favour? From me?

Yes.

Um, can I give you something?

Yes, of course. What is it? Is it some money? Is it a gun?

No. No. It's just this. Can I give you this?

A weasel?

Um, it's a rabbit, Jim. I had it when I was little. I need you to...

Oh, I see, like a toy.

Yes, exactly.

I had Philip the lamb.

OK, Jim. I need you to look after this for me. Do you understand?

Oh, yes, we understand, don't we, Wilson?

Thanks, Jim. I'll come and get it later.

By the way, what's its name?

Oh, um, Buggy.

Buggy?

Buggy.

Oh, Buggy.

Buggy!

Jim?

Right.

You're such a sod.

Do you want it above the knee or below the knee?

Atchoo!

Dad!

Careful you don't sneeze again.

Agh, stop it, you bloody wombat!

Do it, Dad!

Martin!

There.

- Thanks. - Idiots.

Great. Can we all sit down now, please?

Skill!

Argh!

Jonny! They're animals.

Yup!

Gibbons.

Just so you know, Buggy is going to get majorly shitted up tonight.

Just so you know, good luck finding him.

And just so you know, shut up now.

Adam, pass me the chicken, would you? Sorry, the squirrel!

Atchoo!

Martin!

Classic.

Ah, sorry, my darling.

Please go and cut your nose off.

Atchoo!

Argh! Dad!

Mind the chicken.

Again? Jesus!

Will you please stop sneezing on everything?

Excuse me.

It's disgusting.

Now we can't eat any of the chicken.

Oh, don't be so silly.

- Atchoo! - Or potatoes.

Dad!

Stop being such fusspots.

It's not fine.

Boys, it's all right. It's OK.

Mum, this food is now inedible.

Exactly.

Well, not to me it isn't!

Maybe I should just keep spreading my germs

all over the place and scoff the lot!

Why don't you go and defecate on the crumble?

- Lovely, Adam. - We'll have to get a takeaway.

A takeaway?! It's Friday night.

We'll eat what I've made.

So we'll just have beans for dinner, then, shall we?

Atchoo!

Bless you?

OK, did you hide him in the garage?

- Not saying. - The shed?

I'm not telling you where Buggy is.

- Adam? - What?

Agh, you bloody...

Where is everyone?

Hello?

Ooh, hello!

Jesus! What are you doing here?

What's going on?

He's a stupid man!

OK, very quickly, do you work here?

If so, were you just fired?

And, the big one really, were you speaking in Chinese?

No, no, yes.

Really? Where did you learn Chinese?

Japan.

No, Wilson and I just came... came in for a bit of crispy duck when he,

he did a, a little, well a very big something, behind there.

Er, Jonny, why don't you go and order?

Yes, sir.

Jim, I think you should give me Buggy back.

Buggy?

Yes, Buggy.

But I don't have Buggy on me.

You do, Jim, come on.

Adam, was it two rice or three?

Oh, um, three.

Three, please.

Jim, give it back!

Jim! Jim!

Did Mum say she wanted seaweed?

Did Mum say she wanted seaweed? Yup.

Thank you.

Buggy!

Ten minutes.

Best be off. Come on, Wilson.

Bye!

But...

What?

Nothing.

Smashing soup.

Do you have to eat it over there?

What?

Where is he? Jonny?

In a minute.

Come on, your food's getting cold.

Are you planning on mowing the kitchen floor tonight?

No, I'm just checking the power.

Then I'm going to fertilise the stairs.

Sorry, just need the loo a sec.

Well, don't be long.

Atchoo! Shit on it!

What? How could you have lost him?

Wait, you're not lying are you, Jim?

All right, all right. Where are you now?

OK, yeah, stay there. Stay there.

Pissing hell!

Pusface? Uh?

Good evening.

OK, where did you lose him?

It's all right, I found him.

Really? Agh, well done. Where is he?

In there.

What are you doing out here? What's going on?

Nothing.

My Buggy's in there.

What?

It's not your Buggy.

Well, you gave him to me.

To look after!

One minute, you gave Buggy to Jim?

Yes, he gave him to me.

Temporarily.

Well then, Pusface, better go in and get it.

Oh, Jesus!

That's it, in you get.

Agh. Argh.

Well done.

- Oh, it's freezing. - Don't get too wet!

Oh, I'm so cold! I can't believe it.

Can't Wilson just get it?

Oh, no, he's not really a fetching mammal.

Freezing.

Wilson, fetch! Go on Wilson, good boy. That's it.

Go on, Wilson, good boy. Yeah, get that Buggy.

No, no, no. Wilson. Wilson!

Come on, Wilson. Come on, boy, all the way, keep going.

Wilson, come back, Wilson. Wilson. Come back.

Good boy. Drop it, yes! Drop the Buggy.

Thank you, Wilson.

Give it back, you shit!

He's taken my Buggy.

It's my Buggy!

Give it back! Give it back.

Where have you been?

Excuse me.

What's going on? Where's Adam?

There was soup in my belly button.

Where is he?

Oh, my Gawd, you're soaking.

I'm up here, Pusface!

Right!

Adam? Boys?

Where are you? Jonny?

OK, you can have him back now.

Hi, Mum.

All clean now?

Yeah.

Someone's here to see you.

To see me? Who?

I'm busy.

Um, hi, Jim.

Hello. I just wanted to say sorry for, well, you know...

Er, that's OK. Thanks, Jim.

How is he?

He?

Buggy.

Oh, er, he's fine. He's just drying.

Drying.

Right, so...

Yes, um, do you mind if I just...?

What?

Well, you know, one last time?

Um, yeah, go on, then.

Mmm!

Oh, Buggy. Mmm!

Thanks.

OK.

Come on, Wilson.

Oh, Wilson's not here.

Mmm, Buggy.

Mum? Mum?

What now?

What's the matter?

Pink! It's all pink!

My whites, they're all bloody pink!

- All right? - All his whites have gone pink.

Oh, dear.

How did that get in?

Well, don't look at me!

Right, now I am really going to shit him up!

Give it back.

Uh, boys! Martin?

What? Oh, bleeding gibbons, stop it!

Yes! Ha-ha.

Oh, no, please don't sneeze.

Atchoo!

Buggy!

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