Original subtitles

All right, Pusface?

Shh!

What are you doing?

Come here!

What?

Quickly.

What are you looking at?

Dad's got no top on.

He never has a top on.

Yeah, but...

Shit.

He's been doing that for ages, he just keeps on looking and looking.

Why's he looking at his...?

I don't know. It's not good, though. It's funny, but it's not good.

It's definitely not good.

Whoah! Magnifying glass?

A new development.

Why does he need it magnified?

I really don't want to know.

So, what? This just means it's very small?

Or very thin?

Lice?

Mice?

Shit. Mum!

What are they saying?

He's probably not saying he's been looking at his cock for half an hour.

Oi! I know what it is.

Go on.

Dad's grown another one.

Nice. Two of them.

Yeah, stereo.

Hello, bambinos!

Hi, Dad.

What's so funny?

Nothing. How are you?

What?

How are you?

Oh, yeah, fine. Fine.

Shut the door. Hi, boys!

Hi, Mum.

Yeah, move along.

Are you switched on today?

What?

Are you switched on today?

Oh, yes, sorry. My hearing machine's not quite...

Two penises.

Are you sure you're OK?

Yeah, it's just my knee.

Your knee?

Bloody knee. What's so funny?

He still going on about his bloody knee? Hello, darling.

Hi, Mum.

All right, Mum. Your hair looks nice.

Thanks. Yours looks horrible.

I just need the loo.

Yes. Goodbye, Martin.

So, no Alison?

Oh, yeah. Where's your girlfriend?

She couldn't come.

Because she doesn't exist?

Very funny. She sorry. She's with a friend.

Simon?

Ooh, nice soup.

Simon?

Yes.

Her boyfriend.

Shut up.

Definitely sleeping together.

At least I've got a girlfriend.

True.

Who you share with another man.

Aw!

Excuse me.

Ah, gotcha!

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Gotcha!

This is amazing, Mum.

Thanks, darling.

Very nice, Jackie. Lovely bit of squirrel.

So, you like my hair, then?

Yep.

I had it done.

Your mother had her hair done.

We know.

She had a flaky scalp.

Martin.

Oh, Dad!

Thanks for telling them.

It's not in the food, is it?

Thank you very much.

But...

I'll get some moreketchup, then, shall I?

Nice one, Dad.

But I found flakes!

So, Dad, you hurt your knee?

My what?

Your knee.

What about my knee?

You hurt it?

Did I? Oh, yes, yes.

So, um,

how did you do it?

What?

How did you do it?

Um... Banged it.

Oh. On what?

My other knee.

Right.

Here, Your Lordship.

Ooh, lovely. Tomato blood.

Mum, good news. My thing's on tonight.

What thing?

The music I did for that ad? That jingle?

That he didn't get paid for.

They took me out for lunch.

Sorry, paid in potatoes.

Shut up, Jonny! It's on tonight?

Later, on the radio. It's not a big deal.

Oh, that's wonderful, Bobble!

You're going to do so well.

Martin? Martin!

Adam's jingle's on tonight. We mustn't forget to listen.

Tell Alison to listen, too.

OK.

Won't she find it difficult with Simon's balls in her ear?

Ha ha!

I'll get it!

I'll get it!

Who's that? Don't they knowit's Friday night?

What you up to?

Nothing.

Oh. Hi, Jim.

Hello, Jonny. Your mum there?

Um, it's Adam.

I'm Jonny.

Always get you mixed up. You look so similar.

Do we?

Good boy!

Adam? Could you tell him to come later? We're eating.

Do you mind if you come back later? We're eating.

Something smells good.

We're just about to have our dins dins, aren't we? Aren't we, Wilson?

The chops.

Right.

Oh, it's just about the sponsorship form for charity.

Your mum said she'd sponsor me for the...

Oh, tell them to bloody go away!

Martin!

If you could just come back after dinner?

Yes, I'll see you later.

Thanks, Jonny.

Adam.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, Wilson.

He must think I'm such a mean cow.

He keeps asking me to sponsorhim, but I'm always busy.

What's he doing anyway?

Oh, some charity badminton or backgammon game or something.

I don't know. You know...

They're quite different.

Who was that, the council?

The council? When has thecouncil ever been round?

What?

What?

Adam,

your mother tells me your radio jingle is on tonight?

Rather formal.

Um, yes, sir. Well, it's a start, you know.

And who wrote the music?

I did, Dad. It's a jingle.

And what's it for?

Car insurance.

Ooh, the big time.

Thank you.

Ooh, cars.

Car insurance.

Well. Well done, Adam.

To our favourite son!

Yes, the favourite son!

To our favourite son.

Urgh!

Urgh!

There you go.

Oh, thanks.

What shall I do with this?

Oh, put that back in the bottle.

What?

Put it back in the bottle.

I'm not doing that. Just throw it away.

What are you doing?

It's a waste!

It costs like 1p!

Just go away.

God's sake!

Oh, get off!

Stop it, you two.

Oh, please. I hate that.

Sorry, Mum.

Just bloody stop it!

Sorry, Mum.

Mum?

How come you've got more pictures of Pissface than me?

Your face annoys me.

Right. No, really?

Really.

Fair enough.

Your bloody phone.

It's only a text.

Why don't you turn it off?

I don't want to turn it off.

But...

Oh, Adam. Could you come here a moment?

What?

Can you just come here?

What do you want?

What do you want?

Nothing, Adam?

What does he want?

What do you want?

Just bleedin' come, will you?

Jesus!

It had better be important.

Where's he go... The toilet?

Do you think he'll show you his...

Oh, God.

Well, come on!

What are you doing?

Not you!

Will you shut the door?

What?

Shut the door.

Right, this is normal.

Adam, can I speak to you a moment?

Um... OK.

Is there no-one else you can talk to about this?

What?

Is there no-one else you can talk to?

Well, not really, no.

OK, but, you know, I am your son.

I know.

Well, I'm just saying now, I really don't want to see it.

See what?

You know, your...

My what?

Nothing.

So, um, Adam?

Yes?

Any?

Sorry?

You know?

Oh, Dad, not this, not...

Females?

Females?

Do you have to call them females? You're not a policeman.

OK, birds.

Birds?

All right, chicks.

Chicks? Oh, hello, Elvis!

So, no females then?

No, no females!

No girlfriend. No females. Can I go?

No.

I'm going now!

Nice family piss?

Go away, Jonny!

Did he show you his...

No, it's not about that.

Oh.

Females?

Females. Yep.

Adam, here.

What?

Right. Thanks. Excellent.

What is it?

Dating sites. Jewish dating sites.

Brilliant.

Did you know there areplaces you can go on theinternet to find girls?

Are there?

Yes, Dad, I know.

Girls on the internet. Yes!

How did you know?

Because I live in the world.

What are you all doing?

Nothing, Mum.

It's just Adam's potty training.

Oh, go away, Jackie!

Shut up, Martin!

Females.

Oh.

Right, so we're all just going to stand in the toilet and...

So?

So what?

So, are you going to go on the internet?

Yes, at some point, I will go on the internet!

To look at girls?

What do you think the internet's for?

No, I mean to look at girls. I mean, girlfriends. Not just... bosoms.

Bosoms.

Martin! Although, I think you should go on the internet.

Even more brilliant.

Shut up!

Seriously, Adam.

Mum, I'm not going on the internet.

You are going on the internet.

You're going to make me go on the internet to look at women?

We're only trying to help.

Shut up, Jonny! Just a littlelook with Dad on the internet.

I have to look with Dad?

Beyond amazing.

Sorry, can I just...

Oh, Adam!

You little sod!

Right, I'm telling you, I'm not going on the bloody internet to look at girls with Dad! End of.

20.

Done.

She's nuts.

No, she's not.

She's pretty.

Have you ever seen a woman before?

Well, what about her?

She looks like Mum.

What?

Ooh, yes!

"I love life." Why do they always say "I love life"?

Well, what do you want them to say, "I hate death"?

Or this one "Bubbly personality."

We all know what that means, don't we?

Yep, "I am part whale."

Dad, can we stop now?

That's a man.

You're on men now.

Yes, all right!

Still on men, Dad...

"Sports Jock 69." Please!

Found a husband yet?

Oh...

Any news on the... ahem, three penises?

Adam, women.

Oh, look how old they are! You're finding me someone to date, not bury.

Well, what about her?

Ooh, she IS nice!

Dad, she's just the advert for the site, she's not real.

You what?

She's not real!

Well, she looks pretty real to me!

Adam, when's your jingle thing on?

Oh, my God, my advert! What time is it?

Oh, shit, it's on any minute! Coming!

Such a poof.

Twenty quid, thank you. I heard that.

Oh!

Ha-ha!

I can't believe no bloody radios work,

you've got a million and none of them bloody work!

All right, enough with the bloodies, we'll find one!

I'm going to miss my bloody advert.

Martin!

Why have you got all these batteries anyway, is Dad building a robot?

Brilliant, he's got one.

There you go. What?!

It works!

Oh, well done, Jonny!

I'm not listening to it on that!

Why not? Because it's a duck.

It's not. It's a radio...

We'll have to listen in the car.

The car?

Yes, the car. Where are... Dad, are these your keys?

Hmm?

Are these your car keys?

Yes, why?

Come on, hurry up!

We're actually going to listen in the car.

Come on, Martin.

Where are we going? Come!

Um, is your mum there?

Have you been there the whole time?

Hi, Jim, I'm sorry.

I can't stop, we're in a real rush.

It really won't take long, Jackie. You, you look nice.

You said you'd sponsor me.

So, if you'd like to fill in...

Sorry, Jim... Come on, Martin!

I can't stop now, we are in such a hurry... No!

There's no time to lock up now!

Where are we going?

It's for cancer!

Sorry.

Where are we going?

That was so rude, he definitely thinks I'm a mean cow.

bloody radio...

That was the loudest thing I've ever...

Adam!

You idiot!

Oh, Christ! My God!

Was it loud?

Adam, I think... Drive a little, so it looks like we're going somewhere.

Shut up, Mum. How can I turn this back on?

Erm...

Please, Adam!

Not another bloody text!

Well, try pressing that.

Ugh, now I've got boiling air going right in my mouth!

Martin, don't you know how your radio works?

Thank you!

Well, does it matter about the radio, can't we just go?

We're not going anyw...

Oh, tell him, Jonny!

Dad, we're not going anywhere.

So, why are we all sitting in the car?

Oh, God, I can't bear it!

I can't get this bloody thing to work! Jonny, turn the duck on.

It's not a duck, it's a radio.

Just turn it on!

Such a knob.

Shh! Adverts!

'Furniture Warehouse, of course...'

Is this it?

It's for car insurance, car insurance, remember?

'What are you waiting for? Get down to...'

Is it good?

It's not the one yet, Dad.

Adam will you just drive? Drive!

All right, Jesus!

Where are we going?

'Unit 28, Walkers Way, Wembley...

'Us girls come in all shapes and sizes,

'that's why choosing the right tampons...'

Yes, my advert is for tampon insurance.

'whether you have a light flow or a heavy flow.'

Tampons. Tampons.

'Looking for cheaper car insurance? Look no further,

'Hangerford Car Insurance can find the cheapest and best deal for you.

'Whether you're a first-time driver or you've been on the road for years...'

Where's the music? Shh!

'Just call us direct, call now, call Hangerford

'08081570000...'

Where's all my music?

'That's 08081570000.'

Is it good?

'Hangerford!'

The bastards!

Oh! Oh...

Here, Bobble.

Three frigging notes they used, three frigging notes.

Ah, but they were lovely notes, weren't they, Jonny?

Pa-a-rdon?!

Adam, could you pass me that a moment, please?

Sorry?

Could you pass me my...

What, this?

Thanks...

Go on, Adam, pass it to Dad! But...

Come on!

Right, won't be a sec, I...

just need to, um...

Boys, why does your father keep taking

his magnifying glass with him every time he leaves the room?

You noticed!

He keeps doing it, what's he looking at all the time?

Right!

Mum!

Dust particles!

I told you, I was just looking at... stuff.

Martin, I'm not stupid, you know.

Mum! Leave him, it's fine.

Stop it, I've seen him going in and out of the toilet all day

with that bloody magnifying glass. Just tell me.

What have you been looking at? And don't say dust particles again.

Look, I told you... Ow!

All right, is it something to do with your penis?

Mum! What?

Have you got something wrong with your penis?

My what?

Your penis!

Oh, my penis, right, my penis.

I was bitten. Bitten?

Bitten? Yes.

On your penis? Were you bitten on your penis?

Yes! On my penis, my penis, yes.

I wish everyone would stop saying penis.

Well, bitten by who?

By a bee.

A bee?

A bee?

Bitten by a bee?

You mean stung by a bee?

That's what I said!

Oh! Sorry, Dad. Martin, why didn't you tell me,

Well, not really, no.

Ohhh! So you were stung by a bee, when?

When I was having a wee.

You were stung by a bee when you were having a wee?

Yes, I got stung by a bee when I was having a wee.

What, in the bathroom?

Of course not in the bathroom! In the garden.

What were you doing weeing in the garden?

Having a wee.

Do you normally wee in the garden? No! Only if it's a nice day.

Unbelievable. Let me look...

It's fine.

It's fine. Stop it, Martin. Adam, get the calamine.

Oh, well, I'm off!

Ow!

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Our Dad pisses in the garden.

Yeah. I wonder if he craps in the bins.

Here.

Oh, shit!

Shh, shh.

Eh?

But why would you say that my father had four of them?

I really don't know, it must just be a terrible mistake, I'm so sorry.

Well, goodnight, Jim.

Yes.

Well...

Indeed.

Dad?

What?

Show us your cock.

Correct by MemoryOnSmells or teftel; www.addic7ed.com, twitter.com/MemoryOnSmell, memoryonsmells.tumblr.com

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