Original subtitles

You got a baby coming. A car seat just won't fit.

We tried it on the turnpike with a watermelon.

If it's okay, Lou, I'd like a few moments alone with her.

**

[ Whistles ]

That's a 30-footer.

35.

Calvin, General Manager of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Motors.

Oh, I get it. [ Chuckles ] Like the NBA legend.

You guys are just copying Shaq Motors across town.

No, no. He's copying me.

[ Gasps ]

Always has.

I'm a Laker center. He's a Laker center.

I buy a car lot. He buys a car lot.

I star in a movie.

He stars in..."Shazam."

It was "Kazaam."

I got this, Melvin.

[ Whispering ] It's Calvin.

Kareem, I didn't know you owned a car lot.

I come down here every so often

to make sure things are going right.

Oh, yeah. It's a real morale boost

for those that work here the other 360 days a year.

Morale was boosted pretty high when I dropped those 50 skyhooks

on your co-ed recreation-league game.

Still didn't play no defense.

So, you interested in this RV?

Oh. Oh, no. I'm just, uh,

helping my friend trade in his car.

Long may you run, Cherry.

Long may you run.

[ Smooches ]

Well, look, why don't we just go for a test drive?

[ Sighs ] I don't know.

Kareem: All the comforts of home,

except your address is Adventure, USA.

I have always wanted to take the family out on the pavement,

road-trip it like one of those families on TV.

Close your eyes, Louis.

Turn the keys. Embark.

[ "Full House" theme song plays ]

* Everywhere you look

* Everywhere you go

* There's a heart

* There's a heart

* A hand to hold onto

* Everywhere you look

* Everywhere you go

* There's a face of somebody who needs you *

* Everywhere you look

* When you're lost out there

* And you're all alone

* A light is waiting to carry you home *

* Everywhere you look

* Everywhere you look

* Shoo-ba-doo-ba-baba-dow

The Huangs across America.

So, cash? Or how does this work?

Louis!

Honey's in labor! Sh-- Hey.

The co-pilot from "Airplane."

C-Come on! We gotta go!

This close to a sale.

-- Captions by VITAC --

* Fresh off the boat

* I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go *

* If you don't know, homey, now you know *

* Fresh off the boat

* Homey, you don't know where I come from *

* But I know where I'm goin'

* I'm fresh off the boat

**

Can you believe it? Our baby boy came out a girl.

[ Chuckles ] What a show.

It doesn't happen much,

but the technician misread the sonogram.

And what we thought was his deedle-doo

was actually a thing-a-ma-which. [ Chuckles ]

Umbilical cord. Yeah.

So, now we need a girl's name.

Did you already have a boy name picked out?

Well, Marvin insisted on a nautical theme,

so we were down to two -- Jonah and...

Ishmael.

So a happy miracle, indeed.

[ Chuckles ] And just think, your baby's due tomorrow.

Your book -- "A Case of a Knife to the Brain."

Oh, gosh. [ Sighs ] Already? I almost forgot.

You did send birth announcements to the entire HOA.

Oh, that was a joke. [ Chuckles ]

Of course I don't think my book is an actual baby...

though I did spend more than nine months on it.

What did you mean by "deedle-doo"?

[ Emergency brake engages ]

So, about your baby sister --

No, we're not naming her "Jamiroquai."

Alright. We'll circle back to this in a week

when you're not so close to it.

Yeah, about that.

We need to have a talk.

A Saturn talk.

Whoa.

[ Sunroof closes ]

Saturn secure.

What happens in here stays in here.

Shoot.

I'm moving to New York with my mom, and I got into this school that teaches fashion,

and I don't think I can pass it up.

[ Sighs ] Sorry. I know this sucks.

That's...

awesome!

It is?

Totally! New York City?

You can chill out in the park, order pizzas at 3:00 a.m.,

and Beastie Boys songs will make a lot more sense now.

Why is there no sleep till Brooklyn?

Well, you're about to find out.

Wow. I thought this talk

was gonna be a whole lot tougher.

Please. You know me better than that.

What? Did you think I was gonna start crying or something?

[ Fakes crying, laughs ]

* Happy Book Day to you

* Happy Book Day to you

* Happy --

I have a reading for my novel today,

and I need to decide on a passage.

"Snap! And suddenly the only sound was the rope,

creaking under his weight and the fading pendulum scrape

of his steel-toe boots against the hickory planks."

Powerful.

Do you like that passage

or the one where they find the paperboy's bloody bike?

Hmm, tough call. They're both great. [ Chuckles ]

Uh, where is this reading?

The bookstore.

My publisher thinks it might help boost sales,

which could lead to TV spots, a book tour...maybe even Oprah.

[ Gasps ] The Big "O."

[ Chuckles ] I-I mean, "big" like a star.

She actually looks great now.

And she did before, too.

[ Clears throat ] Um, this is great.

Uh, I'll get the boys, and we'll all go to the reading.

But it's my job.

I don't go to the restaurant and stare at you.

Remember?

We found that it didn't improve your productivity.

But this is your big day, and it'll be good for the boys.

They learn by watching us, and they should see how your hard work pays off.

You would just be taking up space from actual book-buyers.

Plus, if I want to read the graphic sex scenes,

I need to feel comfortable doing all the sound effects.

**

"So You Wanna Be a Psychiatrist"?

You know how I plan to become Doctor President.

Well, I always assumed I'd be a surgeon.

The respect...

The mastery of fine motor skills...

The ladies.

But after spending three hours in the hospital

visiting Honey's baby,

I don't think I can stand the smell.

Can you mail a hot dog?

I'm making a list of stuff I want Nicole to send me from New York --

a Statue of Liberty lighter,

whatever a knish is, a bullet.

Any ideas for her going-away gift?

I'm always game to power-browse Things Remembered at the mall.

Why would I get her a gift?

Because she's your friend.

I have tons of friends.

I'm not trying to dole out prizes

every time one of them skips town.

But Nicole is different.

Oh, because she's a chick?

That's sexist, homey.

No, I mean, you two are so close.

Aren't you sad she's moving?

Sad? Pfft.

She's only leaving for school,

and she'll be back on the holidays and stuff.

Guys, it's not a big deal.

**

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

Uh, can we stay on Eddie for a second?

I think he's pretending he doesn't care Nicole is leaving.

Yeah, that's what I --

He's in denial. I read about this in my book.

He needs to admit he's sad and talk about his feelings.

Or he might dissociate completely

and chop us all up in our sleep.

That's an extreme example in here, but it does happen.

Boys, get ready. We're gonna surprise Mom at her reading.

We're going to the bookstore.

Hallelujah!

Get ready to feast, brain!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Wow, look at this line.

It's like Mommy is Space Mountain.

Sorry. We're not letting anyone else in today.

Fire code.

We'll have plenty of books tomorrow.

[ Crowd groans ]

You know what? That's fine.

She's doing it, boys.

We'll just surprise her back home.

You made me put on my dress shorts.

[ Excited, indistinct chatter ]

**

I'm a failure.

**

Hey, Jessica.

We know what happened at the reading.

You do?

We went there to surprise you.

Look, it isn't easy to say, but I --

Absolutely killed it! [ Chuckles ]

It was so crowded we couldn't even get in.

We were so excited, we made you...

A case of a knife to the brain.

Cake!

A cake of a knife to the brain!

One line, Ma.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, tell us all about it.

**

What can I say? The book is a hit.

-Alright! -Yes, Mom!

But it's not a big deal.

You're right. It is a very big deal.

Boys, your mother's hard work has led to this great success.

How big a hit are we talking? Are we rich?

Can we get a pet puma?!

Let's just say the store

has never sold as many copies on a first day.

[ Chuckles ] So, a-a book tour? TV interviews?

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God. Is Regis on the table?

I don't want to jinx it,

so just don't go crazy spending money.

Yeah, nobody "MC Hammer" this thing.

**

The river on the east side is the East River,

but the river on the west is the Hudson?

Good luck, Nicole.

At least he's thinking about her.

That's good, right?

I'm afraid not. It's classic sublimation.

His denial has turned into productivity.

He's losing his sense of self.

When has Eddie ever researched for pleasure?

My God.

He needs to face his feelings soon,

or when it finally hits him, he'll lash out at someone.

Chop. Chop.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Hey, dawg.

Evan and I were just talking about Nicole.

Your best friend who's moving away.

You two sure have had some great times together.

Mm.

* Back in the days when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore *

* But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again *

* Back in the days when I was young, I'm not a kid anymore *

* But some days I sit and wish I was a kid again * [ Eddie screams ]

* And everybody say * I remember way back when

* And everybody say * I remember way back when

* And everybody say * I remember way back when

* What? * Back in the day

* When? * Back in the day

Yeah, we have had some great times.

Thanks for reminding me, guys.

There's so much stuff I have to get out of her car before she goes --

my CD Player, Bootyman hat,

drive-thru window gorilla mask.

For our door -- padlock or dead bolt?

[ Sighs ]

[ Birds chirping ]

Louis! What did I tell you about spending money?

There isn't even enough room in the pantry for all of this.

True. But there is room...

in here.

[ Horn honks "Full House" theme ]

What...is...this?

It's a 1998 NationWheeler with all the bells and whistles.

Why is this?

Now we can all go on your book tour as a family.

Finally take that road trip across America

we've always talked about.

We can see the Heartland.

And the regions of the South

once decimated by the boll weevil.

How much did this house-truck cost?

I knew that would come up, but don't worry.

It's a business write-off.

**

Now as we drive across the land,

everyone will know best-selling author Jessica Huang is aboard.

Is that my driver's license photo?

Um, so, what do you say? Huangs across America?

**

Sure.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

I live here now.

**

I remember packing for the big city around your age.

Of course, back then all you needed

was a bar of soap and your wits.

We're gonna miss you, Nicole.

And so will little Maria.

[ Baby crying in distance ]

Ah, sounds like Coral's stirring.

I'll go get Coral.

No, no. Stay. I'll get Maria.

[ Crying continues ]

Mm!

[ Door opens, closes ]

Hey. Still going to New York, huh?

Yeah. I leave tomorrow at 3:00.

Phew. I thought I missed you.

I left a bunch of crap in the Saturn

and wanted to get it back.

Yeah. Here you go.

Whoa. My old Kris Kross CD! [ Chuckles ]

I was getting the car ready to sell,

and that was stuck to a Frosty lid.

Wait. You're selling the Saturn?

New York's way too expensive for a car.

That's why all the cops ride horses.

I'll take the subway, no big deal.

No big deal? You're cool with just dumping the Saturn?

Who cares about all the good times we had in there?

And our Saturn talks -- I guess those meant nothing to you.

Now you're upset?

You're more worked up about the car

than when I said I was leaving!

Well, to be fair, the car isn't moving to New York

and totally bailing on me for the rest of high school!

You know what? Forget it. Have fun in New York!

Peace.

[ Insects chirping ]

Aren't the Cascades enchanting, family?

[ Chuckles ]

No, thank you.

Oh, my God. Is that Bigfoot?

Emery, get the camera!

Set it to burst mode!

[ Scoffs ] Then just bring it here!

Louis?

Oh, hey.

I thought you and I could celebrate

with some champagne.

I just want you to take a second to really soak it all in.

You did it.

Thanks.

And you deserve some fun,

so tomorrow, I'm buying his-and-her Jet Skis

so we can zip around Havasu like a pair of dragonflies.

They're not cheap, but neither is happiness.

The book is a flop, Louis!

What?

[ Sighs ] It sold less than 100 copies nationwide.

What about that line at the store?

Everyone was there for some other book -- "Boy Witch."

Written by a homeless British teacher of all things.

Then why did you say it was a hit?

Because between you and the cake

and Evan's big saucer eyes going blink, blink,

I didn't have a choice.

I guess people just weren't ready for your talent.

But, hey, maybe your work will be worth more when you're dead like Monet.

[ Sighs ]

We'll have to cancel the road trip.

But the boys were so excited.

But can't just fake a book tour.

Everything will be fine.

I'll return this tomorrow, and then when I get back,

we'll tell the boys what happened with your book.

Okay?

Okay.

**

[ Door closes ]

Good night, Havasu.

**

[ Birds chirping ]

Morning, Ma.

I'm returning the RV, so let me know

if you hid any chewing tobacco in the seat pockets.

What?!

**

Where's the first stop on the book tour, Mom?

Uh, Miami.

But we're going north.

It's a shortcut.

Huh. Why couldn't we wait for Dad?

He'll join us later. There was an emergency at Cattleman's Ranch.

What happened?!

Hector's earring fell into the chili!

Let Mommy focus on the road, please!

Eddie, I was hoping we could really dig in

on your childhood today.

[ Growling ] Go...away!

We're gonna reschedule. [ Pen clicks ]

Hey, uh, is Kareem here?

They always ask for Kareem.

He's showing a customer an RV.

Stupid question, but what does "RV" stand for?

[ Snores ]

[ Quietly ] Oh, sorry, sorry.

Did my wife return an RV this morning?

20-foot ad of an Asian lady on the side?

This morning? No.

Damn it. She took our kids,

and I have no idea where they went.

Well, our RVs come standard with LoJack.

I could get the tracker and help you find them.

Oh, great. [ Chuckles ]

Uh, you and Kareem, right?

There it is!

Another win for Team Kareem.

Kareem did it.

Not the computer inside the LoJack.

[ Sighs ]

That's not good.

Don't worry. All the knives are accounted for.

Hey, where's your mom?

Doing a reading at the bookstore.

**

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?! Dude, Nicole is gonna flip.

She has a poster of you fighting Bruce Lee in her room.

Whoa. An RV is no place to be sad.

My best friend is moving away, and we got in a fight,

but I'm cool. I'm cool.

A double "I'm cool"?

Let's not gloss over this.

[ Sighs ] I have three years of high school left,

and she's the only friend who really gets me,

who speaks Eddie.

I take it you're Eddie?

I get it. It's hard to say goodbye.

But you're making this about you.

You got to realize that it's hard on her, too.

Why? She's the one leaving me.

Look, I'm at my car lot five days a year.

When I leave, my employees are super sad,

but they're not seeing things from where I stand at 7'2".

I have to leave my best friends, K-- Ke-- Kevin, all of them.

I didn't even think about that.

Don't let your best friend leave

without knowing she's your best friend.

I get it, Kareem. Thanks.

I thought for sure that you were gonna use a basketball metaphor.

Well, you know, I'm a man of, uh, many talents.

They used to think they had me pinned and then...

skyhook. [ Chuckles ]

That's how you break down a wall.

[ Scoffs ] He can fly now?

Guess I should've given Jennifer Hong

the ability to defy physics.

Garbage.

Louis: Jessica?

Why'd you run off with the boys?

I stole your idea.

I'm taking them on a fake book tour.

It's going well. Tomorrow we tackle the Panhandle.

Jessica, what's going on?

I don't want the boys to find out about my book.

They'll never respect me again.

[ Scoffs ] That's ridiculous.

Is it? You said yourself they learn from watching us.

If they see my book is a dud, you know what they learn?

That their mom is a failure.

**

Just because the book didn't sell

doesn't mean you are a failure, but you can't hide this.

It's just as important for the boys to see

how you deal with a loss as it is to see you succeed.

It's just I've never failed like this before in my life.

I know.

But I've failed hundreds of times,

and you were always there for me.

Let me be there for you.

You have failed a lot.

Building your own dirt bike.

Beekeeping.

Cattleman's in a cup. Yep.

The banjo, "Top Hat" Louis,

forming your own break-dance crew.

Okay, let's go tell the boys.

I'm just gonna finish this chapter. No.

Boys, your mother has something

she needs to tell you about her book.

Sometimes you forget how stupid the rest of the world is.

Like how all anybody cares about

is whether some snotty British boy can fly and --

Eddie? What's wrong?

I never said goodbye to Nicole.

And she leaves in an hour,

and now we're here on this book tour.

I messed up.

**

Book tour is cancelled.

We're going home so Eddie can see Nicole.

-Sweet! -Yes.

You're not gonna tell them?

I will later, but right now, our son needs us.

The one thing I can't ever fail is our boys.

Oh!

[ Keys clatter ] How about a heads-up?

**

[ Brakes hiss ]

Damn it! We're 40 minutes late!

Nicole! You're still here!

I thought you were leaving at 3:00.

I'm leaving at 5:00.

I told you 3:00 because

it always takes you longer than it should to come around.

[ Sighs ] You really do speak Eddie.

Got time for one last Saturn talk?

I'm sorry I was a dope.

I'm just...really gonna miss you.

You're going to miss me?

How am I supposed to make it without you?

You had permanent shotgun.

I mean, you've been there through everything.

I know it sucks we won't be together talking like this,

but you're gonna kill it in New York.

You're Nicole. [ Chuckles ]

I'm gonna miss you, girl.

I'm gonna miss you, fool.

**

[ Sighs ]

[ Sniffles ]

Are you crying?

Nah. It's just my allergies. [ Chuckles ]

Okay.

Because you know what happens in here stays in here, forever.

Whew!

It's -- It's really flaring up now.

[ Both laugh ]

And with that home run,

Sammy Sosa retakes the lead over Mark McGwire.

Slammin' Sammy!

You know he's on steroids, right?

What steroids?

Hey, I know it's going to be difficult,

but you still need to tell the boys

what happened with the book.

**

What book?

[ Sighs ]

I know what you're doing,

but you can't just deny it happened.

Deny what happened?

Uh-oh.

So you're the only new kid. Big deal, right?

You are gonna crush first grade, Soph.

Thanks, Dad. A-A-And in case you do get nervous,

I got you something special.

A magical amulet.

Nothing bad can happen to you when you got this guy on.

(wizard voice) Careful! Ooh, don't let the magic out!

(gasps)

Did you make this out of Post-its?

No!

Yes. It's gonna be way worse for me

if I'm wearing sticky notes around my neck.

I'm good on my own.

(normal voice) You're good on your own?

Yeah. See you at pickup.

Okay.

Bye. (smooches)

WILL (SOFTLY): * I've been staring at the edge of the water *

* Long as I can remember

* Never really knowing why, cha cha cha cha cha *

Are you whisper-singing "Moana" at me?

Well, yeah, 'cause it always calms you down.

But not now. Bad timing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.

Read the room, right? Okay, you got this.

Bye, I love you. -Bye.

-It's gonna be fun. -What if I miss you?

Look, buddy, we talked about this.

It's only six hours. You're gonna do great.

Can I have your scarf?

Graham, we're not doing the scarf thing.

Please. It helps when I have something of yours to sniff.

Look, I don't want you sitting at your desk during recess sniffing my stuff.

Okay, fine, but you're gonna eat vegetables tonight,

the green bummer ones.

(sniffs deeply) Mmm.

Like coconuts and safety.

Mom? I'm regretting the purple.

I should have dressed like a normal kid.

Hey. What's the one thing you always have to be?

-Myself? -And who are you?

Honestly, Mom, I don't even know right now.

Hey, you are a smart, stylish young man

who could pull off jewel tones better than anyone I know.

And you can cut a rug.

Okay.

Today, I am a grape!

You heard him. My kid's living his truth.

Dad, you forgot our lunch boxes.

Okay, tell you what.

Take 20 bucks and buy yourself a burger from the grill, huh?

Dad, this isn't the club. There's no grill.

Right. Here, sweetheart. Get yourself some crap

with a rainbow on it. My kid's taking your lunch.

Hey! No one ever packed me snacks. Make it work.

Dad, you can't call girls "sweetheart."

It's not empowering.

Okay, let me tell you what is empowering --

fending for yourself.

Kids today, they're treated like morons.

But not you two.

I would share a foxhole with both of you,

and that is the highest compliment I can give you.

All right, hit me with the family motto.

No weakness. Drain the swamp.

(all exhale sharply)

Excuse me. Sir? Are you supposed to be here?

Do you have a child in this class?

Oh, uh, he's my neighbor.

He's 20, and he's raising a baby alone.

He hasn't fully accepted

that his life has changed forever, you know?

Yeah, um, I'm not running a support group.

You're a little mean. I like it.

(Jack cries) Where am I?

Oh, I had the strangest dream.

(Jack cooing)

Oh.

Sir, I'm gonna ask you to leave.

He goes where we go.

Here you go. Get yourself something nice.

I can't accept tips.

Okay. It, uh, "dropped on the floor."

(Ringing)

Attention! Excuse me!

Hello, hi! Quiet coyotes.

Quiet coyotes. Thank you.

My name is Will Cooper,

and I have the honor of being your Room Parent.

-Nice. -That's exciting.

-Oh, no. -Ooh, this is bad.

Is he wearing a necklace made of garbage?

Uh, Sophie and I are new to the school,

and we are so looking forward

to getting to know every one of you.

I am single.

Um...

Always try to get that out there.

Just never quite sure how to work it in.

But that just means I have more time

for creating a little hot lunch option I call...

(Oprah-style singsong voice) ..."Taco Tuesday," y'all!

(Applause) (Normal voice) Right?

Did he just "Oprah" that?

He know he's white, right?

Everybody knows.

Come on! Give me fives! All right!

Somebody tell me when it's safe

for my nuts to return to my body.

Now, I see a lot of you are wondering,

"Where do I fit into the equation?"

Five words -- "One hundred percent parent participation."

He's got to be kidding. (Murmuring)

-I am not kidding. -Not happening.

I'm gonna be standing right outside that door

with this sign-up sheet, okay?

This is what's become of the American male.

We used to make things.

Empathy, Douglas. He's single. We're single.

No, I've never been that single.

Do not try to avoid me,

'cause I will hunt you down and circle you like a shark.

(imitating shark) (children gasp)

**

Okay, guys, we need to talk babysitting.

I'll need help Thursday because

all the paralegals are going out to karaoke.

Just kidding. We're staying late to file.

On Thursday, I'm busy.

I got to 'Gram my new Yeezys.

You're a ridiculous person. Thanks, man!

Well, at least he doesn't eat steak

with the same pasty old white guys night after night.

We're not pasty old white guys.

We're dermatologists

saving the lives of pasty old white guys.

Hey, guys, I need some help.

Found this in Graham's backpack.

Aww, Graham wrote a love letter.

Aww.

-Oh, no, to Zoe? -Yes.

That girl who always wears bunny ears?

-She's crazy. -She runs the school.

And if she breaks Graham's heart,

I will chop off her feet and turn them into keychains.

-Huh? -Just kidding.

But I'll be really mad. (indistinct talking in distance)

Oh, God, the new guy.

...field trips? Actually, are you insured drivers?

We have got to deal with him.

But I have no time to be handing out tacos all year. No.

Word. I'm still in awe of how you did away

with last year's Room Parent.

You wiped all trace of us from that phone tree. It's kind

Parents! Will Cooper!

I just wanted to, uh, circle back

and see where we are vis-à-vis committees.

You know what? Let me say it plain --

we're not gonna do anything you want us to do.

No, man. We're single parents.

We don't volunteer. We just try and survive

until a time in the day when it's appropriate to open wine.

I don't know if you heard my announcement, but I'm single, as well.

-We heard. -We -- We heard. -We heard, bro.

So I have no wiggle room on parent participation.

You're in deep, aren't you?

Deep in what?

The vortex.

That place where you're so wrapped up in your kid

that you've lost all touch with your adult life

and the person you used to be.

I know, 'cause I've been there.

* The wheels on the bus go round and round * (baby crying)

* Round and round, round and round *

* The wheels on the bus go round and round *

(thud)

It happens to all of us.

But (chuckles) I don't think I'm in a vortex.

Will, when was the last time you stayed up past 10:00?

In the nighttime?

Okay, when's the last time you made love?

(laughing) Oh, my...

It's okay. There's no judgment here.

This is a safe space.

For real. Yeah, just tell us. Just ballpark.

All right, ballpark...

give or take a month, it's been about...

five years.

-Oh, baby, no. -Whoo!

(indistinct shouting)

-Dang! -Oh, my God.

You guys said that this was a safe space.

Not that safe.

You know, what you need is a date.

Poppy?

There. I made you a Tinder account.

How did you -- Is that my face on Putin's body?

Pushing you into the deep end, Will.

That's how we do this.

If I'm being honest, the timing's not great.

It's 120 days till Christmas --

Are you gonna hide behind that sign-up sheet

or am I swiping right?

I've got Room Parent responsibilities --

Swipe! Swipe! I have no investment either way.

I've never done something like this before, okay? (chanting "Swipe!")

You know what? Do it. Swipe left!

It's "swipe right."

It's "swipe right," and you just said that. Sorry.

Okay, okay, okay. We got Emma, we got Amy,

we got Rory, we got Graham. Who are you?

Wrong van, kid. Get out of here. Beat it.

Angie! Hey! Will Cooper from yesterday.

So, tonight's date night. -Ooh.

Remember, a real man pays for dinner.

Is that true? I mean, I don't know by 2018's standards --

Will, I say this with an open heart

and nothing but love --

you're a disaster. -Preach.

Yeah, I don't know if I'm a disaster.

I mean, yes, I'm experiencing some anxiety,

but that's normal, okay? And I'm just --

Will. I don't have time for this.

-Oh. -We got you the date,

and now I have to babysit everyone else's kids

so I can have a Saturday night to drink champagne out of a can

and watch a bird documentary.

Okay, 'cause I was actually coming over to say

I could babysit today if you wa--

-We'll be there in 15 minutes. -Oh, cool.

* That's right DIEGO: Yo, why did

you bring your baby to the sneaker line?

'Cause free babysitting doesn't just fall out of the sky.

(scoffs) (cellphone chimes)

Oh, snap! Free babysitting!

All right, yo, hey. Be right back.

Wait -- Okay.

I -- Imma come back. Hold my spot.

I -- I'll be back without the baby. Just me.

Hold my spot!

**

(doorbell rings) Welcome, dudes! Will Cooper!

Do you guys want to go play in my room?

The theme is "tasteful unicorn."

Thanks a lot. We'll be back in a few. Good God.

-This place is a wonderland. -Every chair is a beanbag.

There's no chair that isn't a beanbag.

All chairs currently have beans.

Indoor trampoline?

So they can bounce when it's raining.

(door closes) Will, sit down.

(thud)

What are you gonna wear on your date tonight?

-This? -Oh, God.

(chuckles) Oh, you're serious.

Or -- Or...

(Zipping) ...I do have another option.

Ah!

Shorts! (Jack cries)

Y-Your pants are making my baby cry, man!

Make it stop. Make it all stop.

Here. Oh. I know. I know.

Rock, squat, pause.

Rock, squat, pause.

(crying stops) Oh. There we go.

Oh, my God. What did you do?

It's a little something I call

rock, squat, pause.

-"Puss"? -No.

-"Puzz." -Rock, squat --

Listen -- rock, squat, pause.

-Puh... -"Pause." "Pause."

Oh, "pause"!

Say it with me. Ro--

-Never. -Nah, man.

What if I learn to do that

and then I haven't had sex in five years

and I'm wearing pants that zip off into shorts?

Give me my baby. (Jack coos)

Ah, you guys, you're right.

I-I -- I'm clearly not ready, okay?

I-I say we put the brakes on the date tonight,

okay, just until after Taco Tuesday's figured out.

I want to keep that guac from browning --

No. No. Focus.

There's honestly a lot of fear that's creeping in.

-Take a deep breath. -(exhales sharply)

You're going on this date.

(unsure) Good. I'm excited about that.

DOUGLAS: Hey, so just making sure,

you're gonna be taking Emma and Amy tonight?

Because I'm getting together with my dermatologist pals.

Oh, Rory wanted me to ask you to come

to his dance party tonight.

Aww, what a sweetheart. Pass.

I told you, he's going through a thing.

He won't even wear his favorite leotard to school

'cause he's scared other kids will make fun of him.

Well, of course they're gonna make fun of him.

When I was a boy,

I got beaten up for smiling at a basketball game.

All right, look. I don't know why,

but my kid likes you.

Okay? And in case you haven't noticed,

he doesn't have another man in his life,

so why don't you just show up for him?

I don't dance, okay, especially with guys.

You know, I still can't wrap my head around this place.

Why does every book have to be on yoga and menopause?

Douglas... you are why we march.

Oh, God.

Yo, why do we have to do this again?

I just don't want to send him out into the world like this.

I mean, it would be a crime.

It's like leaving a baby on a doorstep

and hoping for the best.

Miggy. Hmm?

You can't actually do that.

-(scoffs) I knew that. -Just checking.

I just don't want him to bomb his date

and start harassing us again about hot lunch.

This is the third pair of earmuffs I have found.

Who hurt this guy?

"Zoe, I want to hug you and give you all my gum."

That's a great start.

I've been in love with Zoe since day one of kindergarten.

Then she put those bunny ears on --

stick a fork in me, I'm done.

-It's your first love. -(slurps)

That's a big deal. It's exciting.

You shouldn't be afraid to let your feelings out.

Exactly.

That's how I want to play it with Zoe.

Raw, open, positive.

Oh, by the way,

don't let my mom scare you about the date tonight.

She doesn't believe in love because...

my dad is kind of a garbage human.

That's good to know.

But I'm gonna cut you off on the juice boxes, 'kay, bud?

Hey, Will? Angie says I have to give you a makeover.

(sighs) This is my Everest.

ANGIE: (in distance) Oh, my God!

**

Angie, are you hurt?

Why do you have this?

Oh. (scoffs)

Honestly, I've never seen that before in my life.

Dude, your wallet is in here

and a bag of popcorn that's still hot.

You've used this today.

Yeah, I use it for snacks, okay?

Nobody ever tells dads what to do about snacks,

and this is a good snack holder.

It was actually my wife's... before she left.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Do you think that maybe there's a reason --

I don't know, just throwing it out there --

that this is the bag she didn't take when she left?

(both laugh)

Do you miss her?

No.

But I miss having someone,

and not just for the bad stuff or hard stuff or whatever,

but -- but for all of the good things,

like when she lost her first tooth

and when she told her first joke

and the week she demanded I call her

"Jelly Bean Teen Machine."

Nobody tells you how lonely it can be.

One time, I made a boyfriend out of a pile of laundry...

and I rolled around in him.

(chuckles)

It wasn't built to last.

(both laugh)

But when you have kids, something happens to you.

You become mush. Mm.

But you got to hide that. That's what I tell Graham.

Otherwise, that little weirdo's gonna get his heart broken.

I-I honestly don't know

if I'm capable of hiding my mush.

I mean, you guys are lucky.

You have each other to look out for one another,

but it's just me.

Do you ever look at each other and go,

"Ah, it takes a vill--" Don't say it.

Just throw out the bag.

Hey. Did Angie text you her plan?

Yeah, we help him get ready for the date,

and then we never have to volunteer.

Hello, ladies.

-Hi, Dad. -Hey, Dad.

-Hey, girls. What are you doing? -Will's floor mats.

Would it kill him to shampoo them once in a while?

People don't think that kids can buff and wax,

but they're the perfect height.

Before I can commit to a blazer, ask yourself --

can this man pull off this vest?

I mean, he doesn't have the arms,

but, you know, he might have the attitude.

-No, no vest. -Vest.

-For the love of God, no vest. -Mm-hmm. Vest.

Maybe this wants to live here,

for tonight's dance party? -I'm seeing it.

-* Dance party -Oh, okay, please.

Forget it. We've been trying to get him

to sing and dance for years.

They're right. I-I'm sorry, kid,

but I'm not going to the party.

That's okay. Maybe next time.

(birds chirping)

Nice, Douglas. Real nice.

Rory, I'll wear your vest. -What?

You don't have the right torso for a vest, Mom.

Stop trying to make it happen.

-Ah, I get it, Doug. -Douglas.

Afraid to risk embarrassing yourself,

but that's the greatest part of parenting is,

it gets you out of your comfort zone.

Look, I'm not interested in leaving my comfort zone,

and I haven't been since my wife died.

Oh, I'm -- No, no, I see you want to hug me,

and I'm gonna have to stop you right there.

I can't imagine losing your best friend.

She was a 26-year-old exotic dancer.

She looked great in pants.

Ain't love a funny thing.

Anyway, I said, "Okay, I'll have kids,"

thinking I would change one diaper

and get dementia right before they hit their teens.

Instead, she dropped dead and left me with two baby girls.

The point is, I don't need any more surprises.

All right, but it's never too late to try something new.

I think it'd be good for you, Doug.

Douglas. I think it'd be good for your girls.

You don't have to go it alone.

I can be your friend, Doug.

Douglas. It's Douglas.

And I don't need any more friends.

The only reason why any of us are here

is so we can get out of volunteering.

Wait, hold on.

Angie, is that true?

Look... (sighs)

I told you about Jelly Bean Teen Machine.

Wait. We wanted to help you.

I mean, we do now. -No, it's fine, honestly.

We're not friends, which is actually a good thing,

'cause now I can admit I didn't throw away the mermaid bag.

I hid it in the petticoat of Barbie B. Anthony!

DOUGLAS: A man with a mermaid bag.

I blame Obama.

I don't know how to cover up my mush.

But maybe that's not a bad thing.

Maybe you guys could actually use a little bit more mush.

Will, I will hand out tacos.

No. Don't, okay?

It's just disappointing.

I thought I'd finally found

a group that I could share this with.

It takes a vill-- -Don't say it.

It takes a vill--

-Stop! -No, no.

Well, thanks for getting me a date,

which I now have to go on.

Sophie, I'm taking you to Nana's.

It takes a village. Ha, I did it.

Dang, girl. I just love you.

I love you, too, honey.

And also you told me five minutes ago.

No, I was reading over an e-mail to Zoe.

I think it's good. Send.

(whoosh) What? You sent?

You got to put yourself out there.

Will gets it. He told me to go for it.

That was a really fun dinner.

I loved when you looked up from your phone.

But it is good that you got to FaceTime with your sister.

You guys worked through so many issues.

(door slams)

Should we make out now?

Gah.

**

Mwah. Mwah. Oh, wow, this is happening.

-Take your pants off. -Get these jeans down.

There we go. Okay.

Oh.

Oh, the touch of a woman.

(exhales sharply) I love you.

You what?

(door slams)

Good night.

(sighs)

Oh, my keys.

(knocks on door) Heather, please open the door. Please let me in.

(pounding on door) I need to come into your apartment.

I'm just a dad who says

"I love you" a thousand times a day,

and that's not a bad thing.

Hi, are you in there? I don't love you.

I'm not even sure I like you.

My keys are inside!

(cellphone rings) Heather -- Will Cooper.

How could you tell Graham to put himself out there?

He's gonna get hurt. Wait, why are you answering?

Aren't you supposed to be on a date?

Well, I let out my mush,

and now there's mush all over this lady's apartment,

and my keys are locked inside.

You guys were right. I can't do this.

(siren wails in distance) But maybe that's a good thing,

because I actually like being single.

It's gonna give me more time to figure out

Sophie's Halloween costume.

She's going as a princess,

but I have to find my own spin on that.

Uh, are those sirens?

Yeah, but they're not for me.

-Sir, don't move. -Oh, they are for me.

Oh -- Oh, my God. Will. Will --

-Hello, officers. -Will, what's going on?

Will Cooper.

* That's right, hold it down

(Jack coos) Miggy! Emergency! Get in!

Dude, tell your weird parent friends to stay away.

We got to earn respect on the sneaker line.

(Jack coos)

(indistinct conversations)

**

So I cut off the skin tag on the green,

and I still managed to make a birdie.

(laughter) Douglas.

Will's in trouble. We got to go.

What, I-I -- I'm the only babysitter you got,

and I'm not afraid to go on strike.

**

My ex, she's in the Sudan.

She's a human-rights lawyer. She's doing great work,

and -- and, you know, I don't fault her for that.

I just -- I-I never imagined raising a child on my own,

and I think part of me still feels like she's coming back.

Dude, she's not coming back.

**

We all got left, but we're not alone.

(gate closes)

Officers, let him go. He's not dangerous.

Look at his shoes. He's wearing Keds.

OFFICER: His Keds are not the issue, ma'am.

But they are an issue.

Look, he didn't hurt anyone.

Let's forget about this, officers.

Go ahead. Get yourself something nice.

I know what you make.

Sir, put the money away. You, come with us.

(cellphone ringing) I -- I'm so sorry.

Sophie, hey.

Dad, I know I said I didn't need the song anymore, but...

Of course.

* I've been staring at the edge of the water *

* Long as I can remember

* Never really knowing why

* I wish I could be the perfect daughter *

* But I go back to the water

* No matter how hard I try

BOTH: * See the line where the sky meets the sea *

* It calls me

* And no one knows

* How far it goes

EMMA: I knew it.

-* What's beyond that line? Will I cross that line? * -He knows all the words.

-* The line where the sky meets the sea * -That beautiful bastard.

WILL: * It calls me

* And no one knows -Rory, would you like to dance?

-* How far it goes -The answer is always yes.

-* If the wind in my sail on the sea stays behind me * -Hey.

-* One day I'll know -You're looking so good, Rory!

* How far I'll go

-Whoo! Go, baby! -Whoo-hoo!

(vocalizing)

What's happening? Who are these people?

They're my village.

-No, boo. -You ruined it.

Dad, you've got to tighten up.

**

Mwah. Look at you not asking for a scarf.

Soph.

-TOGETHER: No weakness! -Yes. Ow.

Rory. -Douglas.

BOTH: Rock, squat, pause. Rock, squat, pause.

-The -- The pause is a bounce. -Oh, a bounce.

(gasps) Guys. Zoe. She's going for Graham.

Don't let the bunny ears fool you.

She's a cold-blooded killer! -Hey, hey, hey, hang on.

He's got this.

I got your e-mail.

It shook me to my core.

**

**

She likes him.

(gasps) That Easter freak likes my kid!

Aww, and they're sharing gum. That's huge.

It's gross. -It is gross.

But it's -- it's huge.

I told you. Mush works.

And from now on, I will eat at restaurants

that don't give out crayons. -Whoo!

-Yeah! -I'm gonna maybe

start drinking coffee after 4:00 p.m.

-Whoo! -Sounds fine.

I am out of the vortex!

-Yeah! -Yeah!

Okay.

Don't go up the slide.

-* Oh, baby, please -He's a long way from sex.

I am out of the vortex!

-* Give a little respect -I watched a guy get crushed by a forklift,

but this is worse. -Word.

Third time's the charm.

(grunts)

* To me

I'm out of the vortex!

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