Original subtitles

The patterns of chaos do force me to conclude

two distinct worlds fight for my spirit.

One where I am mighty...

..the other where I am weak.

And how clear now it is I must destroy my feeble self.

Only then can I be free.

A sorcerer, a king, to waltz with the dangers of the enchanted realm.

The infinite. O infinite colour.

Then, and only then, will I live for ever.

Amy!

Amy!

Amy!

WHIRRING

Oh!

HE LAUGHS

Oh! Oh!

DRILL WHIRS

CACKLING ECHOING LAUGHTER

Oh!

Oh!

HE GASPS

Oh, not again.

Monkey! Oh! Monkey! Look!

You're soaking wet!

I've done it! I've worked it out!

What have we worked out? The middle section! The curse!

And I made us breakfast!

I picked loads of berries!

Berry, ber... Monkey! Monkey! Berry, berry, berry nice!

Yeah, that's great. Berry healthy! Berry tasty!

Berry! Lovely...

Monkey! What?

B-b-b-b-berry berry! Oh, would you like some berries?

I love you berry much!

Would you like some berry? B-Berry, b-berry, b-berry, b-berry, berry,

berry, berry, berry, berry nice!

Berry nutritious! Berry in your belly!

Berry in your belly.

Maurice, why are you here? Why won't you answer the phone?

Because every time we try to talk, you start getting angry.

I start getting angry? What do you want? I'm looking for Shun. He's eating a pastry.

Pastry? That's nice. What kind of pastry is it? Why does that matter?

Is it an almond pastry, is it a croissant, what pastry is it? Shun!

Are you going to explain why you're here or are you going to keep pretending

it's cos you want to know what pastry Shun's eating?

Why won't he come home?

He's just staying here a couple of days to sleep everything off. I'm coming in. No, stop!

Please, Deborah, out of my way. No, this is my house! My friend is in there

and you're holding him prisoner! Shun! What are you talking about?

Come on, let's go. I want to talk to you. I'm eating a chocolate.

Yeah, put the chocolate down. Chocolate delight.

Put the pastry down and get dressed.

Come on. I will talk with Carol about your hippopotamus.

It's a bit late for that, Shun. I promise never will drink again!

I will not even have a tiny quaff! Not even tiny grape in case turn into wine in my stomach!

It's just interesting this is what you're onto.

Oh, Maurice, you're being ridiculous. If you want to be angry with me, just be angry with me.

Don't take it out on Shun. I'm not angry with you. Yes, you are.

Sit down and eat your breakfast. Ignore him. You're the one who's angry.

Seducing literally hundreds of poor vulnerable men like some puffed-up agony aunt!

What? Condoms bloody everywhere, I hear!

If I had been sleeping with hundreds of men, I would be dead from exhaustion!

At least I've got some dignity.

What's dignified about barging in here and shouting at Shun about a pastry?

Well it's too big, isn't it? It's not pastry, it's a fucking loaf of bread!

What are you feeding him? And what the hell is that doing out?

Like some sordid trophy!

I have a reading this evening! Oh, you have a reading?

Did it not occur to you how this might come across to people?

Hm? What are you fucking thinking?

And for the record, Dr Malone thinks I'm handling all of this really well,

considering I've got a major depressive disorder and abandonment issues,

because my father ran off and drowned when I was a little boy!

Oh, stop talking about how sad you are. It's not sadness, it's a disease!

I know that! Shun, what are you doing?

Be careful with that. Put it down!

CLANG Oh, fucking idiot.

Too much shouting... Just come this way.

Go and get dressed, Shun. Why you come here?

Look, the truth is I always thought you were a...

..kind, interesting,

selfless man just trying to break free from this fog of...

..whatever it is you want to call it. Major depressive disorder.

Just call it depression, Maurice, it's not a Nobel Prize.

You've got no idea what it's like, have you? No idea!

I've met a lot of people while writing this book who have suffered a lot more than you!

What's worse than wanting to die? Being dead, for instance!

You've met some dead people? You've really lost the plot now.

What I've discovered, if you'll let me finish, is you are not a kind, interesting,

selfless, beautiful man!

You are a bit.

But you're also...

..just quite...

..boring a lot of the time.

VOICE MAIL: Hi, Mum, hope you're all right. Just calling to say that

Hilda and I are coming to your reading thing tonight

even though, obviously, I still don't approve of it.

Just thought it'd be sad if no-one came!

OK, and I also wanted to ask you something about Grandad Felix.

Do you think he was mad? Oh, and someone called Wendy?

And some paintings about a cursed family called the Baumgartners?

Have you listened to my thing yet? Anyway, see you later. Bye!

What's up, ladies? Morning! Nice shorts. Are you all right?

Yeah, never better. It's got to be done, eh, Shuny boy?

Just ran 100 metres. Already he's completely exhausted.

What?

So how's it going with, er...Ounsk?

You mean Omsk?

It's good, we're just trying to interpret these scores.

Right, cool.

Your daughter's mental. Yeah.

Morning!

Is everyone ready? No.

Not really. We just woke up and you... I went for a swim.

I went for a swim and I cracked it like a coconut.

That's good!, really good! Is your eye OK? Yes, just hay fever.

Dad, do you know where the eye drops are?

No, I don't know. Your mother likes to hide things like that in all sorts of illogical places.

Guys! I'll see you there. I'm going to go through the corn!

Whoo!

Baumgartners!

Come to think of it, strange decision to write a book

about someone so boring in the first place.

Can I speak to Amy, please?

A bit of bad news there, actually.

Amy's died. I talked to her by mistake and bored her to death!

Sorry about that. Maurice, stop being so stupid.

Stupid? I thought I was just boring? Make your mind up.

Can I speak to Amy, please?

I just... I thought maybe she seemed a bit off.

Or maybe, Deborah, she's just flourishing.

Because her neurotic mother's not there to stifle her by constantly

begging for attention with passive aggressive gestures of goodwill

which are quite obviously born of some pathological desire to be needed.

Of which, by the way, your ridiculous and destructive book is a perfect example.

An evening with Deborah Green? Shove it up your arse!

HAND CLAP

Way to win back the love of your life, Dad.

Donald, listen.

When you've been with someone as long as we've been together, you'll understand.

Understand what? That telling someone who's just spent ages writing a really thoughtful book

to shove it up their arse is a good idea?

No, just that everything dies. And that includes relationships.

What's the point in getting married, then? I don't know.

Good point.

Eat more happy pills! No, that's not how they work.

When I get married, I'm not going to stand around in my tiny blue pants!

I'm going to make dang sure I do everything in my power

to guarantee that they love me until they die.

Obviously, they'll die first because of my immaculate immune system, but until then, by God...

Maybe when you've had a bit more experience,

you might have a more measured view of what love actually means.

Because, you know, we all like to think of love as this huge,

beautiful thing that sweeps you along, but, actually, it's not that.

It's coordinating diaries and washing dishes together and...

Yeah, OK. Bye. I'm trying to teach you a valuable lesson about life!

You're boring me!

DOOR SLAMS

SUDDEN DRAMATIC MUSIC

Argh!

BABY CRIES

Argh!

GUNSHOT

Argh!

No, no, no!

Stop!

It's not right.

Fuck's sake, Lightning.

What's the matter now? Why have we stopped?

Because Bertha's got this amazing eye.

Like... And she can see! Like, she can see!

And it's a privileged view!

And this is the bit where it starts to go bad, so it's weird

and it's confusing and...

CRUNCHING

Pan?

Pan?

Why are you eating crisps?

I'm hungry. Yeah, but...

..I'm trying to explain to you all why this is still shit!

It's not shit. We're just struggling to know what you want, darling.

It's not even a circle now. It's just...

I mean, what is that?

Her whole family is cursed, OK?

She's trying to break the curse.

Just stop thinking about it so much and then mash it out! It's a massacre!

Mate, your eye is fucked.

OK, look. This is what I mean.

Boom! Boom! Boom! Ta-ra-ra! Da-da-da! Boom! Boom!

Du-du-du-du-du-du! Dah-nah-nah! Nah-nah-nah-nah!

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

Da-da-da-da-da!

Bananas!

What? Why are you saying "bananas"?

Because you're bananas! I'm sorry, Amy, but you are, you're bananas!

We're really tired, Amy. We worked till 2am last night doing this.

You know half of us are on our fucking period, right? I had chunks this morning.

I feel like someone's trying to yank my organs out of my cunt. Do you ever get that?

Yeah, sometimes. OK, all right.

Look, getting struck by lightning was the best thing that ever happened to me,

because if I hadn't, then I would never have bothered to make anything!

And I would never have met any of you.

I love you.

You're my best friends.

You're my only friends.

I trust you to be able to do this.

I want to go to that place together as one.

As sisters.

We don't know what to play, Amy.

OK.

CRASH!

SHE YELLS

All right.

Fuck this Baumgartner bullshit.

Stupid wig.

DOOR SLAMS

B-B-Bad men! B-B-Bad men!

B-B-Bad men! B-B-Bad men! B-B-Bad.

Is this the famous muck-suck machine?

You guessed it.

This baby eats gunk for breakfast!

Very strange.

Can you pass the spanner-matrix, please?

I'm guessing you mean this thing.

Yep. Danke schoen.

So, you're not a clown any more?

No. I just looked in the mirror one day and asked myself,

"Do I want to be a clown for the rest of my life?"

And the answer was no.

So, I'm trying other things.

Come on...

Not much luck so far. Hence this place.

CLANKING I'm not going to lie,

I do feel quite sorry for you. This place is a shithole.

Thanks.

What?

I was just looking at your boobs.

Oh, right.

I thought you were going to say something to pretend that you weren't.

Quite big, aren't they?

I always thought it was just because you were fat.

Just an observation.

What's the moustache about anyway?

Why? Do you like it?

Amy says I look like an out-of-work porn star.

She's just jealous because her stupid girl hormones couldn't grow one.

Can I touch it?

Yeah, if you want.

Mmmm! It's quite soft, isn't it?

I use conditioner.

On your moustache?

Yep.

Right. So...

It's not going to explode and splat sewage everywhere, is it?

I'm the best, goddam plumber in Heathen's Wood!

WHIRRING AND CLANKING

HISSING

God is love.

And she that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God.

And he in her.

Because there is no fear in love.

But perfect love...

..casteth out fear.

DOOR SHUTS

Because fear hath torment.

And she that feareth...

..is not made perfect in love.

Don't worry about me.

YELLING

You're both selfish, arrogant, pretentious mard-arses!

It's pathetic!

Dad tried to hang himself, you idiot!

Your grandad applied to Omsk a couple of times.

Kept getting told to fuck off!

I thought you liked pineapple. Eat something...

YELLING VOICES ECHO

BABY CRIES

Baumgartner!

Aye. Boring, really?

Maurice, look!

Barry! Hi!

You running out in that heat?

Just, yeah, dealing with some of this excess baggage.

Physical baggage. Some emotional.

Obviously, if I checked in all my emotional baggage, I think I'd crash the bloody plane!

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Yes! Me too!

I think I've crashed several already.

I'm at the bottom of the bloody ocean!

HE IMITATES PLANE CRASHING

BABY COOS

Yeah!

Oooh!

I love babies!

They just radiate joy, don't they?

Do you remember what that was like?

Having your bottom wiped?

Being carried to bed?

Yep. You're going to cheer me up, aren't you?

I know how you feel, Maurice.

To be rejected by such a wonderful woman.

Yeah, I mean, obviously I was married to her for quite a long time.

Erm...

..why do you have the baby?

Oh, Avelaine wanted me to look after her.

I think they're going to eat some drugs.

Aren't they? Eh?

Mummy's going to eat her some naughty drugs!

I'm going out with a friend now, so...

..I'm not going to make it, unfortunately.

OK, well that's all right.

Where are you going? Dad's gone mental.

He's going out with the girls, so...

..I thought I'd go and keep an eye on him. You know? Oh, right.

Why don't you bring your friend to the reading?

Oh, it's just we were kind of hoping to let loose a bit.

So... Oh, yes, well, fair enough.

And is Amy there?

Hang on a second.

Amy!

SHOUTS: Amy!

SCREAMS: Amy!

I think she's out.

Oh, OK. Well, you have a great time, Mr Pipeman!

Der-ner-der-ner-ner!

And you, Mum. Hope you destroy it.

? He's got a trunk full of polybutylene! ?

Oh, that reminds me - can I tell you something funny?

HE HANGS UP

Shun? Are you coming?

Shun?

I didn't realise you were planning to go.

You haven't even read her book.

I feel sorry for her! Look, if you don't want to come, don't come! If you do, let's go!

It will probably be weird again, but then at least we can come home and carry on being happy!

Are you happy though? Yes! Why?

Because you don't seem very happy at the moment.

I'm fine! No, you're quite....

Where are my fucking socks?! You're just a bit "up here", you know?

Amy, please calm down! I think you're tired.

What are you on about, calm down? I am calm.

You're the one who's not calm.

And why do you keep telling me I'm tired? I'm like basically the only one who isn't tired!

Oh, fuck off! What now?!

Doing that breathing thing again!

What thing again? That thing! Where you breathe, like...URGH!

And you think because you haven't said any actual words, you're being all patient and saintly.

But actually, it's worse than just telling me to shut up.

Because then I don't have to watch you piss your scent all over the moral high ground

like some demented, incontinent farm animal! I HAVE TO BREATHE!

What's that?

You know what? Forget it. You're not in the right frame of mind.

Amy, come on. And I've got too much work to do anyway.

Let's go to your mother's thing, you're just getting a bit fizzy. You know what's fizzy? This shit!

What is going on with you?

What's going on with me? I'm cursed, mate!

My whole family is cursed and I need to break it!

You sound mad. You're the one who spends your entire life talking to some

big beardy pervert in the sky!

Like that's going to solve everything!

Why can't you just face it? Why can't you just look the devil in the eye and fight him?

Because I'd lose.

Have a good day, monkey. Where are you going?

See you later when you're not having a hot flush about nothing.

Amy, where are you going?

I'm going to hell, mate, because I'm mad.

I'm madder than God!

Well, fuck off then!

APPLAUSE

Yeah, yeah! Hello! I'm Morag.

And I just wanted to say that you and Maurice

are such an inspiration to my husband and me.

We came here because, I'm absolutely loopy, to be honest!

But, we wanted to know what activities

do you enjoy doing together to...

..to achieve this beautiful bond?

And how often do you have sex?

And what do you do to spice it up?

I mean, for a long time, Maurice's libido, ah...

..he just wasn't interested.

But then sometimes we're going at it like crazy!

And of course, positions are very important.

Like what?

Well, sometimes I like to thread my leg through...

So the important bit's sort of rubbing,

as well as the penetrative element, obviously.

But then of course, with activities,

you can go for walks, or recently we had a lovely caravan holiday, so...

Oh... Well, thanks for that.

Yes? Lady in the pink stripes.

My name's Sylvia and...

..I lost my husband three years ago to suicide.

Sylvia, I'm so sorry, that must've been awful.

It's OK. Take your time.

Well...

..I just wanted to say...

..I don't think you have the right to tell me how it works.

Because I did everything I could to help Freddie,

and Freddie did everything he could to help himself and he still died.

And...

..I loved him.

And I looked after him...

I'm sorry, Sylvia.

Because you can't stop it.

Can you?

That's the truth.

Evening, my lady. What are you up to?

Just, trying to work out how to break the curse on our family

without murdering everyone and burning the house down.

Ooh!

Well, I don't want to disturb you, but do you mind watching the baby for a bit?

I'm just going to pop myself in the shower.

I don't know what I'm meant to do with it.

That's the ticket!

I can't actually see any more because of the paint in my eyes, so...

Erm...

Fucking hell! Sit down.

Sit. Bend in half, bend in the middle.

Bend. That's it.

Well done!

BABY COOS

SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR Barry!

SHE KNOCKS AGAIN

Barry!

Fuck's sake!

# In the shortest cove, I'll envelope the rest,

# I feel awake enough to tell this

# It was a seminal plan,

# A plan to pull you through#

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