Original subtitles

Now, you young'uns,

quiet down in here.

This is a doctor's office.

Not a place where kids can be real loud.

Hoo, that one needs a little work.

Bye-bye, sweetheart. See you.

Laverne, come on. Who's next?

Room one. You got a new patient.

Barry tapper. Age 11, check-up.

- Come, let's take a look. - Yeah.

Wait till you get a load of this one.

Hi, I'm Dr. Weston, Barry. How are you doing?

Not great. Weather's getting to me.

A little smoggy - really?

And I'm talking smoggy.

I saw a skywriter using a hammer and chisel.

Oh!

Oh. That's a good one. There you go.

Take it easy, pal.

You do that one more time,

you're gonna have to marry me.

Well, I see you just moved here from Denver.

And boy, are my arms tired.

Well, hey, what do you expect?

You gave me a lousy set-up.

Yeah, come on.

Well, you look like you're in pretty good shape.

- You feeling okay? - Great.

How are things at the new school?

- Terrible. - Really.

Kids today.

These second graders are so dumb,

it takes them two weeks to get through the weekly reader.

Lordy. He just doesn't stop, does he?

Whoa. A reject from fried green tomatoes.

Nice accent, nurse.

Let me make you feel at home.

Hay ride.

Doctor, could I speak to you privately for a moment?

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Doctor, would you mind terribly

if I went out in the parkin' lot and cut me a switch?

Laverne, the boy just moved here.

He's starting in a new school.

He thinks this is a way of getting people to like him.

It ain't working with me.

Well, I've seen this kind of thing a million times.

It'll pass. It's a simple adjustment problem.

Hurry up, sawbones.

You keep me waiting much longer,

you're gonna have to check my prostate.

Life goes on and so do we

Just how we do it is no mystery

Sometimes the answer can be hard to find

Hard to find

that's something I will never be

I'm always here for anything you need

Anything you need

rain or shine, I'll be the one

To share it all as life goes on

We share it all as life goes on

Good morning, Barbie-Barb.

Carol, don't be mad, I'm just the messenger.

Bob stern just called. He broke your date tonight.

That's fine. His loss.

Carol, is that really you?

For the first time in my life, I am happy to say, yes.

Carol, did you hear what I said?

- He broke your date. - I know.

I mean, it was the flimsiest of excuses.

He has the latest newsweek, and he wants to finish it.

That's okay. That's certainly his choice.

Carol, I thought you really liked this guy.

I do, but no big deal.

I've come to realize that a broken date

is not the end of the world, thanks to Dr. Grossman.

You mean, that therapy crap really works?

After eight years, I am beginning to see

the light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe it's the headlights of the train to the loony bin.

And why am I laughing?

Because I'm mentally fit and ready to take on

whatever cruelty the world can foist upon me.

Hey, westons.

Oh, gross.

What? Food gone bad?

No, I can see Carol's reflection in the crisper.

Charley.

No, no, Barbara, I for one enjoy a good morning chuckle.

- Wow! - Charley, have you eaten?

Can I get you some breakfast?

Yes, that would be very nice.

Great.

Call the guys with the net.

No, Charley. You've got it all wrong.

Carol's doing great with her therapy.

Right.

And I like to sneak fat women across state lines.

Charley, Dr. Grossman has made me a new person.

All those crazy fears I had are gone.

It's amazing.

This morning, I read that killer bees

will be here by the year 2000, and I don't care.

Let them come.

Come on, bees. Come one, come all.

Hey, Barry.

Ah, here they are.

Mr. Rogers without the personality,

and minnie Pearl, without the price tag.

- What happened? - Wayne Parker.

I did the joke, he did the punchline.

And why am I not surprised?

Hey, country,

don't I hear some butter that needs churning?

I have had just about enough of your...

Laverne, would you please give Sally her shot now?

All righty.

But, you just remember, I know where you park your bike.

Let me see.

You know, Barry, there might be some better ways

of making friends at school

other than just cracking jokes all the time.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only.

The white zone is...

all right. All right.

No, your eye is okay. It's...

You got a bad bruise but...

You ever think of having a normal conversation, you know,

- without being funny? - No.

I know it works for you.

But it's not my style.

Did you act like this

back in your old school in Denver?

Well, no.

And were those kids your friends?

Yeah.

So, you didn't need the jokes, did you?

- I guess not. - No, I didn't think so.

You know, without the jokes, I think the kids here

would like you just as much as the kids back in Denver.

Why don't you give it a try? I don't know, doc.

All righty, Sally.

You wait for your momma in the waitin' room.

That's Sally. She's in my class.

Hi, Barry.

I'm sorry to hear about what Wayne did to you.

He didn't lay a finger on me.

A fist, yes.

Hey, if you think that's funny, okay.

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are in a rowboat...

whoa! Excuse me.

Excuse us, Sally. Come here.

Listen, this is a chance to see what it's like

to just sit down with somebody and talk with them.

Sally seems to like you.

Really? How can you tell?

Well, she didn't hit you.

Dr. Grossman, we were flying at 30,000 feet.

We hit major turbulence, I didn't care.

- Mm-hm. - There was an attractive,

charming attorney in the next seat.

He was more interested in the in-flight magazine

than me, but, I didn't care.

Mm-hmm.

The stewardess spilled thousand island dressing

on my new silk blouse, but doctor, I laughed it off.

- I didn't care. - Mm-hm.

Carol, you've come a long way. Thank you, Dr. Grossman.

Thank you. I owe it all to you.

It's hard to believe I'm the same insecure woman

who walked in here eight years ago,

constantly looking for validation.

I am much better. Aren't I?

Carol, you've made incredible progress these past years,

but if we're going to go further,

there's just one more issue we need to discuss.

A breakthrough. I knew it.

I could feel it. What is it?

Tell me. Tell me.

Carol, I hope you're ready for this.

Oh, I am. I'm ready. I'm ready. Tell me.

Oh, wait... wait... wait... wait.

Let me center myself first.

All right.

I'm centered.

Now tell me. Go! Start! Tell!

Okay. This morning,

I was reviewing your history and something occurred to me...

oh, I get it.

You want me to come to the realization on my own.

All right.

You want me to be less abrasive.

Deal more from the left side of my brain.

From the right side of my brain.

The back of my brain.

Eh! I lose.

All right, Dr. Grossman,

what is this insight that may change my life?

Dr. Grossman?

Oh, I get it.

You're helping me deal with my fear of death.

This isn't helping.

Carol, come on. You haven't had solid food in two days.

Let me fix you something. You're right.

Maybe I should eat something.

Good. What do you want?

A double chili cheeseburger and a side of fries.

A double chili cheeseburger? You?

I killed my therapist, I might as well kill myself.

Carol, you didn't kill Grossman.

Oh, please, there's probably a zapruder film of our session.

Carol, he's gone.

You have to move on with your life.

Why did he do this to me?

Why did he abandon me?

Come on, Carol, please pep up.

You have a funeral to go to.

I can't deal with this.

He was my rock. He was always there for me.

How can I go to his funeral without talking to him?

He'll be there.

Maybe I could talk to him at the funeral.

Carol, have you ever heard of "rest in peace"?

Barbara, you don't understand.

Dr. Grossman had a window to my soul.

For eight years, this man lived in my head.

Maybe he went to a better place.

Dreyfie, come here. Come here, dreyfie.

Oh, dreyfuss.

You're the only nonjudgmental soul

I have left to talk to.

Where do I begin?

Oh, Dreyfus. How cute.

You're playing dead.

This isn't helping.

Honey. Honey.

I keep on telling you, it wasn't your fault.

You didn't kill anybody.

I... uh... baby, calm down. All right? Good.

And we'll talk about this when I get home.

All right. Bye.

Oh, my lord.

Barbara killed someone in a shootout?

No, it was Carol.

Carol killed someone in a shootout?

No, Carol was at her therapist, and...

He died while she was talking to him.

Yeah. She sucks the life, outta everybody.

Well, room one, back by popular demand,

the pint-sized uncle miltie.

Hey, Barry.

I guess you told one joke too many again?

I didn't tell any jokes.

So, how'd you get this black eye?

I took your advice.

I talked to Sally all normal,

and asked her to be my girlfriend.

- So, what happened? - She said yes.

Unfortunately, her boyfriend said no.

Oh, Barry. Barry. Barry.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

No... no... no... no. That's okay.

Sally's really neat, and the best thing is,

is that she really likes me.

For you, not the jokes.

Duh!

Hey, you can't just expect me to go cold Turkey.

You wait here a second.

I'll get you some cold packs

to take home with you.

- Laverne. - Where do you reckon

he picked up all those bad jokes anyway?

He probably watches too much of the comedy channel.

Hey... hey... hey... hey. Where's my grandson, Barry?

Boy, is it smoggy out there.

I tell you, I just saw a bird outside

and he was coughing.

Nothing, huh? I'll tell you how smoggy it was.

I saw a skywriter,

he was working with a hammer and a screwdriver.

- Chisel. - Chisel.

What are you, a wise guy?

Everybody's a comedian. Doctor.

I hope you're a lot better than the last doctor I went to.

I got a kidney transplant from a bed-wetter.

Hey, how 'bout those shopping centers...

hi, Barbara. How's Carol?

Any better yet?

Three days ago, she was closing in on normal.

Now, she's the Carol of eight years ago.

Broccoli.

Well, these are for Carol. I'd like to see her.

Charley, did you steal those out of old man hetzel's garden?

Barbara, please.

I bought these at a very exclusive off-ramp.

Hi, Carol.

Charley.

I heard about what happened and I'm sorry.

Thank you, Charley.

Carol, look, I know this is a difficult time for you

and I wasn't sure how to deal with the situation,

so I talked to the therapist on the ship.

You have a therapist on the ship?

Yeah. Eric.

He doubles as a skeet shooting instructor.

Well, what did he say?

He said death is not to be feared,

but to be accepted as part of the natural order of things.

Pull!

Well, thank you very much for visiting, Charley.

But, I'm afraid nothing you say can make me feel better.

Carol, you got to look at the positive side, okay.

Sure, Grossman's not down here helping you,

but he's up there helping them, giving them therapy.

- Them? - Yeah.

Tuesdays at 10:00, you got Abe Lincoln on the couch.

Problems with the wife.

Next, ponce de Leon.

Midlife crisis.

Then it's time for Beethoven.

You're going to be okay, Ludwig!

- Charley. - Carol, don't be upset.

Before you know it, you'll kick the bucket,

and then you'll be up on Grossman's couch

- for all eternity. - Barbara!

What? I was Sincere.

Thank you, Barbara.

I must've gone through a dozen of these.

14.

Everyone was staring at me at the funeral.

Don't worry, nobody noticed you

sobbing into the tree trunk.

It was so sad.

He was only 46 and I killed him.

Carol, for the last time, you didn't kill him.

Now you got to stop blaming yourself.

Nobody else does. Maybe you're right.

Oh, hi.

You're the one that killed Grossman.

I'm Dee Dee broder. 2:00 wednesdays.

Carol Weston.

5:00 Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.

This is Carol Weston. She's the one who...

Killed Dr. Grossman.

She's the one who killed Grossman.

Oh, she's the one who killed him?

She's a patient of death. Look at her.

We're sorry, Carol.

It's just that Dr. Grossman was helping each one of us

with a deep personal crisis.

Yes. I lost my husband to a taller, thinner,

Scandinavian woman.

I know your pain.

I can never get my salmon mousse out of the mold.

Try hot water.

Kate, this is Carol.

Hi, Kate. How are you?

I'm doing much, much better.

Good.

God, if these women were honey roasted,

we could hand them out on airplanes.

What's that? His Wednesday night group.

Thank you for coming to our home.

I'm Mrs. Grossman. Oh, are you his wife?

I'm Craig's mother.

He lived here with me.

Your therapist lived with his mother?

I'm Carol Weston. This is my sister, Barbara.

Oh. So, you're Carol.

Yes. But, I can explain.

Carol, I understand.

It wasn't your fault.

Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Did he gasp much?

Mrs. Grossman, before your son died,

I was on the verge of a major breakthrough.

Did your son ever say anything about me?

About my case, in particular?

Oh, he never talked to me about his patients.

He kept it all in his files.

Oh, would you excuse me, please.

Sheila. Neil.

How thoughtful.

Macaroni salad.

Everyone, refreshments in the kitchen.

Cake, coffee, macaroni.

Barbara, come back here.

What? I love macaroni salad.

After I find the answer to my life.

Carol, these files are confidential, aren't they?

- No. - Carol.

Barbara, if I don't see what's in those files,

I'm going to be like this forever.

Hurry.

Okay. Simpson, waters, waxman...

Weston. Here you are.

November 15th.

This was the day my divorce became final.

I remember that. It was a grueling session.

Too loud at times.

All right, I do have a tendency to be sort of strident.

Excessive feedback.

Obviously, I didn't leave him enough room for interpretation.

Dolby sound, graphic equalizer,

check prices at stereo barn?

What's this have to do with you?

Sounds like he was shopping for a stereo.

April 3rd. That was the day they canceled

thirtysomething. God, I was a mess.

He wrote "get Mercedes waxed."

May 10th.

Check theater for Steve & eydie tickets.

God, it's like he wasn't even listening to me.

All right, Carol, this is bumming you out.

- Let's just put it away. - No.

I can't believe that's the only thing in here.

He said he had something important to tell me.

Here it is, the final session.

Be sure to inform Carol of...

Fee increase.

That's it?

That's what he wanted to tell me?

That was his big revelation,

that he was going to raise my rates?

Carol.

Barbara, do you know this means?

The man was a fraud.

I was pouring out my soul to him for eight years,

and all he was thinking about were stereos,

and cars, and Steve & eydie.

My whole therapy's been a sham.

Well, that's really weird

because you really have been better lately.

Wait a second, I just had the most incredible insight.

Despite his lack of guidance,

I really have been better, lately.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like you've been doing it all yourself.

Shh! Shh! Shh! I'm onto something here.

You almost knocked it out of my head.

It's almost like I've been doing it all myself.

It doesn't seem to me

that Dr. Grossman has helped you at all.

Would you be quiet?

In the final analysis,

Grossman hasn't helped me at all.

- I did it. - Right!

Of course, that's right, Barbara.

After eight years of therapy, one knows these things.

I feel imbued.

Shh! They're coming back.

Let's go.

Okay. But first, can we have some macaroni salad?

I feel so angry at Dr. Grossman.

So cheated.

I just wish there was some way that I could get back at him.

Carol, you killed the guy. What more do you want?

Here's my grandson Barry's insurance forms.

- Yeah. - Thank you.

You know, my doctor won't take insurance.

Imagine that. He's an acupuncturist.

He always tells me, "take two needles

and call me in the morning."

Isn't it awful, the bills today?

Who can afford to live? When I was a kid,

I was so poor I slept with four brothers.

We were five on one bed.

I never knew what it was to sleep alone

until I got married.

Are you kiddin'? We were so poor,

my mother used to sew rubber pockets in my coat,

so I could steal soup. Steal soup.

But it's just terrible what's going on today.

But, you know, I love Miami.

Miami is wonderful though,

but nothing happens after 10:00...

In the morning.

And Miami's like the old people that live there.

You know, in the '80s, with occasional wetness.

That's the weather in Miami.

I got in the elevator in Miami the other day.

There was a naked lady there.

I said, hey, my wife's got an outfit just like that.

Only hers is wrinkled. See?

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