Original subtitles

Of course I'm excited, lurlene.

My Alma mater's playin' basketball on national TV.

That's the biggest thing to hit the campus

since that twister leveled the graduate school

of trailer park management.

It's a joke, lurlene.

Oh, the doctor's in. Got to go.

Remember, go arkadelphia!

- Well! Big game, huh? - Oh, I'll say.

Our school'll be in the top 20 after we win this weekend.

Well, you sound pretty sure of yourself.

Oh, yeah. We're playin' one of them

sissy-pot northeastern schools.

Hooperville, hammermill, I...

- You don't mean haverhill? - Hell, that's it.

Good name for a loser school, huh?

I went to haverhill.

Well you... you mean, I'm workin' for a chicken hawk?

No. That's a heron, Laverne.

We are the high flying herons of haverhill college.

Well, you might as well be an ostrich

'cause while your head's in sand,

we're gon' kick your butt.

Life goes on and so do we

Just how we do it is no mystery

Sometimes the answer can be hard to find

Hard to find

that's something I will never be

I'm always here for anything you need

Anything you need

rain or shine I'll be the one

To share it all as life goes on

We share it all as life goes on

- Morning, ladies. - Morning, daddy.

Oh, daddy, an article on haverhill's basketball team.

Ooh! Oh, hey, it says

we're a six-point favorite over the arkadelphians.

Poor Laverne.

Boy, if she ever saw this, it would kill her.

- Hey, Charley. - The people I love.

You know, westons,

there's no one I'd rather live next door to

except maybe a lingerie model

without window treatments.

Charley, before I ask you to leave,

and I will, something we can do for you?

I hope so.

My parents are driving their rv to Disney world,

and they decided to stop by for a visit.

Ooh.

Boy, you haven't seen your folks in a long time.

Yeah. That's why I want everything to be perfect.

For starters, I thought I'd take them out

to a really great meal.

I was thinking of someplace homey.

With real home cooking. Simple, not pretentious.

Oh, I know. Mama viti's.

That's good. That's good.

But, I was thinking of something, you know,

within walking distance, friendly faces,

maybe a dog in the corner.

They're your parents, you cook for them.

Please. Invite us to dinner.

I need help.

I don't get along so good with my folks.

Charley, what's the problem?

It's kind of an emotionally complex issue.

- Give us a hint. - They hate me.

They've always had a better time

with my brother, the Mercedes mechanic.

Dieter's their favorite.

Dieter?

Dieter dietz?

Yeah, he even got the good name.

Charley, this explains volumes about you.

Growing up in the shadow of your brother,

ever aware of being the least favorite sibling.

I knew you'd understand, Carol.

Charley, I assure you

I am not my father's favorite.

I know.

Are you implying that Barbara is?

Daddy, isn't that the most ridiculous thing

you ever heard?

Oh, yes. Yes. Yes.

Charley, come on, we can see how much this means to you.

Why don't you bring your folks over, 7:00?

Oh, that's great, Harry. Thanks.

I'd better go home and straighten up.

Throw out the trash. What's her name?

Rita.

Morning, Laverne.

Wipe that smirk off your face, the sports page is wrong.

Sports page?

You're gloating because the paper

picked your team over mine.

I am not.

I mean, I may have noticed that article this morning,

but I'm certainly not gloating.

I told you before, it really doesn't matter to me.

Well, make it matter,

'cause you're takin' all the fun out of this.

All right, if it'll make you happy, Laverne,

- I care. - Oh, just like that?

Boy, you roll over as easily as those gutless herons

we're about to whip.

Laverne, don't badger me.

- Just drop it. - Dropped.

- Jenny mcclade, room one. - Okay.

Chicken hawk.

Oh, Carol made cookies.

Whoa! Look.

Barbara's special brownies.

How come Barbara gets an adjective and I don't?

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.

Carol's... oatmeal cookies.

It's all right, daddy.

I spoke to Dr. Grossman today

about this issue of you favoring Barbara,

and he suggested I keep a journal

to examine the validity of my feelings.

You're not going to make us read it, are you?

Yeah, I'm only halfway through that poem you wrote.

"My head is an ocean of pain,

and I'm not too thrilled about my thighs either."

No, I've decided to adopt a more scientific approach.

Hence, these nifty clickers to keep score.

Every time daddy seems to like one of us better,

that person gets her clicker clicked.

Carol, you're being ridiculous.

One for Barbara.

Daddy, I know a psychiatrist

who will commit anyone for $300.

- You be nice. - And that's for me.

Only $300, huh?

Yeah.

Carol, you don't need a clicker

to prove that I love you. And another for me.

Carol, he's calling you an idiot

for using those things. That should've been my click.

Daddy, what was your true intent?

To raise two daughters

who'd be out of the house by age 24.

Let's go.

Daddy, we were out of the house at age 24,

we just... came back.

Harry, I want to meet my mom and dad,

Fred and Ursula dietz.

Hi. A pleasure. Come on in.

Nice to meet you.

What a lovely home you have here.

Well, thank you very much.

These are my daughters, Barbara and Carol.

Hello.

Also known as Carol and Barbara.

Please, sit.

That's one big rv you've got out there.

Yeah. Fast too. 0 to 60 in 16.4 seconds.

Yeah. You don't want to be in the John

when a.J. Foyt, here, is in stop-and-go traffic.

So, who tells you to drink 16 big gulps a day?

Besides, it's not my fault.

Dieter tuned it up too good. Oh, yeah.

Our son, the Mercedes mechanic.

He's a genius. Yeah, dieter's smart.

But, I'm pretty smart too, mom.

I worked it out so I don't have to pay taxes.

I'm a citizen of Panama.

You are?

Si.

Same old Charley.

Always taking the easy way out.

When I think of the money

we spent on that military school.

Charley went to military school?

Best thing we ever did for him.

He loved it there.

I hated every minute of that place.

No, you didn't.

Yes, I did.

Didn't you ever read my letters?

No.

You know whose letters I remember?

Dieter's. Oh, they were wonderful.

You know, every time Charley goes away,

he sends us postcards.

He is quite a world traveler.

You still work on that tugboat, son?

It's not a tugboat, dad.

Dieter said it was a tugboat.

I don't care what dieter says.

It's a cruise ship.

Oh, right.

What is it you do on there, again?

You don't remember?

Oh, you can't expect us to keep up

with every tiny detail of your life.

You keep up with everything dieter does.

All right, Charley.

What do you do on the boat?

I'm...

I'm the captain.

What?

When did this happen?

Recently.

Why didn't you tell us before?

Oh, this is wonderful, dieter.

- Charley. - Whatever.

Charley, maybe you and I

should crack open a bottle of champagne to kind of celebrate.

Harry, you're hurting me.

I know.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm lying.

Charley, lying to your parents

to get their admiration just doesn't work.

But, we can make it work, Harry, if we try.

I'm not going to be party to a lie.

Harry, this is the first time

my parents have ever paid attention to me.

Besides, I only have to keep this up for tonight.

Tomorrow, they're out of here.

No problemo.

Charley, your mom just had a great idea.

You're adding me to the will?

Right.

No, we want to see your ship.

What ship?

Oh.

We want the captain's tour, watch you boss everybody around.

Dad, I don't know.

Good, then it's all settled. I'll tell your mother.

Happy now, captain?

Boy, am I going to get a spanking.

And for the first time in 10 years,

I'm not looking forward to it.

Over here is an instrument

where we can pinpoint our exact location at any given time.

It's called an electronic...

Map.

You know, this is really something.

I never thought you'd amount to anything.

Boy, after today, I realize how wrong I've been.

- Really? - Yes, son.

You've made us very happy.

Oh, we're just so proud of you.

- Can we have a picture? - Sure.

Hide it under your coat on your way out, though.

Okay. Well, thanks,

but we meant a picture with you.

Wow.

Charley, I got to talk to you.

Is that how you address your captain?

Shut up, dietz.

The captain's on the ship, and he's headed portside.

That's this way.

Mom, dad, I got some business to take care of.

Simms here will escort you out. I've got to lock up.

- Lock up? - Insurance reasons.

If they steal the ship and the door's unlocked,

we're not covered.

Who the hell are you?

What are you doing in that uniform?

Oh...

Happy birthday to you

happy birthday to you

happy birthday happy birthday

Happy birthday to you

come on now, you got clemens open in the paint.

Atta-boy, the alley-ooop! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Laverne, is it really necessary to bark?

It's just a game. Sorry, it won't happen again.

Two more points! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Well, I'm very happy for you.

Whoa, how 'bout that?

You got called for traveling.

19 seconds left,

and you're still 10 points behind, how 'bout that?

Except now we're just seven points down.

Damn, devordnik, you're 7'4",

quit tryin' to dribble, you're on our side.

They stole it from devordnik!

Another three-pointer.

Give it to devordnik! Give it to devordnik!

It doesn't matter, you still gonna lose.

They gave it to devordnik.

Another two points.

Geez, we've got a chance here.

The darn refs aren't callin' any fouls.

Well, they're too busy keeping the score

which is now... Announcer: We're tied!

Tied. Whoo! All right.

Woof! Woof!

Woof! Woof!

Devordnik's dribbling again!

This is too good to be true.

Get the ball to an American!

Another steal!

Go, Robbins, go!

- That's travelin'! - Go!

- That's chargin'! - Score!

- That's a... - That, Laverne, is called...

Announcer: The herons win!

Winning! Winning!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Your team is to be commended on such a fine effort.

In your face, Laverne!

In your face!

In... your... - doctor!

Sorry. Face!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Two points!

Hey, Harry. How's it going?

Great.

Oh-oh.

Today was the tour?

You got caught, didn't you?

Yeah.

When the captain figured out who I was,

he put me on shamu duty for a month.

- Shamu duty? - Yeah.

I have to announce happy hour wearing a whale suit.

It's got its upside though. Every once in a while,

you can trick a gal into rubbing your blowhole.

So, how did your parents take the news?

They don't know.

They still think I'm a great guy.

See? Told you lying works.

Then why do you sound so miserable?

Because my parents just don't understand me.

I can't be honest with them.

I can't let them find out that I'm just the purser.

Charley, before your folks came,

you were okay with being a purser, weren't you?

I guess.

If you're happy with who you are,

tell your folks that. I don't want to.

Right now, they think I'm better than dieter.

And I want it to stay that way.

Charley, being a member of a family

is not a competition.

Boy, this place looks so big on the outside,

yet inside, it's so cozy.

I love this baby. It's so convenient.

You can do anything you want without even getting up.

- Oops. - Oh. Oops.

Whoa. It's okay.

Here you go.

Oh, yeah. Here you go.

- Whew. - This is...

Okay.

Oh, just give it a good shove.

Whoa.

Carol, you haven't touched your cake.

I can't, my arms are pinned.

- Here, let me help you. - Barbara, please.

It's a great meal, folks.

Nothing but the best for Charley and his friends.

Right, captain? Don't be so formal, dad.

You don't have to call me captain.

I'm still the same old Charley.

I think a toast is in order.

- Oh. - Well, then allow me.

Allow me. Allow me. Yeah.

To families coming together, building a bond of trust,

and sharing honest emotions in an honest...

Harry, the champale's going flat.

Safe trip home.

- Hear! - Okay.

Well, listen, we know you folks

have to get on the road early, so we should be leaving.

- Okay. - That's very nice.

Thank you so much.

- Good night. - Good night.

Yeah. Yeah.

- Well, I should be going too. - No, Charley, you stay.

You stay. It'll give you folks a chance to chat alone.

I mean, I'm sure there are some things

you haven't discussed.

Oopsie do. Bye.

Besides, you can do the dishes.

You may be a captain, but you're still a son.

Well, I suppose we'd better

start getting ready for the trip.

Oh, I have some delicates drying on the dirt bike.

Must be great having people pick up after you on the ship.

Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe next time we're in town,

we'll take a cruise with you. See our son at the helm.

Yeah. Well, dad, about that, I've got something to say.

I haven't been straight.

I can't go on pretending being something that I'm not.

I am what I am.

You're gay?

No, I'm not gay.

I'm a purser.

You like to dress up in women's clothes?

No, I'm a purser, like gopher on love boat.

I'm not the captain. I'm not dieter.

I'm just me.

Well, Charley, why did you lie?

What were you thinking? I don't know.

I guess I'm just a nobody.

You're not a nobody... well...

It's... it's... it's okay, Charley.

I know I've let you down. I know...

Did you say it was okay?

Whatever you are, you're our son,

and we love you.

You mean that?

I think so.

I think so.

Gee, dad.

Do you know how long I've waited to hear you say that?

Listen, do me a favor. Don't tell your mother.

She's thrilled about you being a captain.

Better we keep this our little secret.

Gee. Dad, you know,

we never went fishing, or played ball, or anything.

Now we're lying together.

That's what I wanted my whole life.

Fred, I can't find your donut pillow.

Oh, I was using it in the Weston's pool,

I'll get it. You talk to the captain.

Oh, you know, your friends are real nice people.

Oh, you've done so well.

I just can't tell you how proud I am of you.

I know. I know.

I mean, look what you've done with your life.

Stop it.

I can't go on lying anymore.

I'm not a captain.

What?

I'm a purser.

You like to dress up in women's clothes?

No, it's my job on the ship.

A really dumb job.

But, why did you lie like this?

- Oh, dieter. - It's Charley.

Right. Well, maybe some of this was our fault.

I suppose we have always kind of favored your brother,

but just because I can't get your name right

doesn't mean I don't love you.

- Do you mean that? - I think so.

Oh, mom. That's great.

Let's not tell your father though.

He's not as understanding as I am.

- Got it. - Oh, good.

Well, I should be going.

I'll stop by tomorrow to say goodbye.

Okay. Okay.

Good night, captain. Yeah, good night, captain.

- My lips are sealed. - Mum's the word.

- Right. - Bye.

I have something to tell you about Charley.

- Me first. - Shoot.

- What is it? - He's a pusher.

Hi, daddy.

Hi, dear.

How many trimesters since I've seen you?

Daddy, relax. It's an undercover thing.

You know, I have had the weirdest cravings all day.

I was thinking about making a root beer float.

You want one?

Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, Barbara.

Carol, enough with the clickers,

you look like Carmen Miranda.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Your experiment is over. Give me the damn clickers.

Uh-uh. I can't.

- Why? - Because we're tied.

Honey, even if I tried to decide

who I love more, I couldn't. You're both my girls.

I mean, you're my flesh and blood.

You're right, daddy.

I'm sorry. I have been behaving stupidly.

And when I think of what a wonderful father

you are to both of us,

I feel blessed just to be a member of this family.

And I'm blessed to have you for my daughter.

And I win! Yes!

Ha-ha!

- It's just not the same, sir. - I know.

It's a shame about the insurance company not paying off

because the door was unlocked.

God, I'm thirsty.

Where the hell is that idiot?

Here's your virgin daiquiri, sir.

Thank you, dietz.

Oh, aren't you forgetting something, captain dietz?

Happy hour. Happy hour.

Happy hour. Happy hour.

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