Original subtitles

So, when you take the antibiotics,

that's another army... It's the good army...

Fights and kills all the germs, makes you feel better again.

That was a good story.

It was also a long story.

Yeah, okay, I'll see ya.

Bye, dear. Bye, bye.

Margie Smithson is in your office.

Really?

Yeah, and that's it. No more patients.

Oh, great!

Well, you, you can just take off, Laverne.

I mean, gah, boy, an early day!

I mean, I can lock up.

I'd be happy to do that, turn off the coffee machine,

and you can do...

Thank you, doctor.

Pfft, hey, you're welcome, Laverne!

Aha!

You haven't changed in 25 years.

You still keep your patients waiting!

Oh, Margie! Oh, how good to see you.

So, what's going on?

You still selling airtime for that radio station?

No, no, no, I'm general manager now,

which is why I'm here.

I want you to come to work for me.

Me? What are you talking about?

Well, you know Dr. herb rosenthal?

Oh, yeah, yeah, that pediatrician

that has that show, "ask Dr. herb."

Had that show. He up and quit on me,

something about spending more time

with his wife and kids, the jerk.

So, how soon can you start?

Margie, I am flattered that you asked me to do this,

but the truth is, I think if a person is sick,

they should go to a doctor.

I don't know that it's such a good idea

to be dispensing medical advice over the radio.

Come on, I'm really counting on you, Harry.

Can't you just do it for a few weeks?

No, I'm sorry, dear.

Just until I find someone else.

No, Margie, I'm not going to do it.

I can't do it. I'm really in a bind.

Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it, do it!

All right, all right, all right!

All right, I'll do it as a favor,

but for two weeks only,

and I'm not going to give any specific advice.

- Great! - All right.

Be there at 10:00, and I will show you the ropes.

- Ah. - Oh, and, uh,

don't drink a lot of coffee before the show.

You're not going to have a lot of time

to be running to the can. And, uh...

Think of some amusing anecdotes.

And Harry, the key word there is "amusing."

I'm going to have to charge you for this visit.

Hey, you wanted amusing!

Work on it, Harry.

Go.

Life goes on and so do we

Just how we do it is no mystery

Sometimes the answer can be hard to find

Hard to find

that's something I will never be

I'm always here for anything you need

Anything you need

rain or shine I'll be the one

To share it all

as life goes on

we share it all

as life goes on

rice krispy krunchies,

pigs in a blanket, frozen fish sticks.

What, are you dating someone in a trailer park?

I'm looking for my chili recipe.

The department's having a chili cook-off,

and I'm entering a batch.

Barbara, why don't you try something

your police training might better suit you for,

like the egg toss, or, the sack race,

or, clubbing the unarmed motorist.

Carol, there's a man down at the station

I want you to meet. His name is Mr. stun gun!

All right, Barbara, all right.

Just to show you that there's no hard feelings,

I'll help you with your chili.

I don't want any help.

Barbara, I'm a professional caterer.

Carol, you made $200 in the last four months.

Are you saying I'm a bad cook?

Yes.

I can make anything, and I can make it great.

Good, then enter the contest.

Put your chili where your mouth is,

because nobody else will.

All talk all the time, w-w-e-n radio.

Oh, that's too deep, huh? Yeah.

Daddy, will you relax, it's going to be fine.

You're going to be great.

He'll be better than great. He'll be wonderful.

I don't know, I guess I am a little nervous.

You know, it's my first day.

Daddy, why are you nervous,

you have nothing to be nervous about.

Yeah, unless you misdiagnose someone,

and they go belly up right on the air.

Thank you so much, Barbara.

Daddy, you just remember the three things

that I told you.

Be confident, be yourself,

and be sure to mention my catering company,

"the elegant epicure."

Carol, how am I supposed to work that

into a show about medicine?

Well, if anybody asks about food poisoning,

you can just tell them where to get it.

All right, guys, I'm leaving.

Okay, third switch from the right,

that's the cough button.

You hit that switch if you've got to cough.

You hit the wrong switch.

That's for "wake up with crazy Dave."

This card deck here

is where we're going to load up your spots.

Oh, oh, don't tell me. Spots are commercials.

Very good, Harry.

Well, I rented the wolfman Jack story

last night.

Great.

Now, when you want to go to commercial,

you simply hit this button.

The spot cuts in automatically.

Some of the spots you're going to read from copy.

Oh, copy, copy.

Advertisements or news in strip form,

which I'll announce. Harry, enough!

Now, your calls are going to appear on this screen.

This is the way the engineer communicates with you.

Any questions?

Uh, is there any reason why this microphone is wet?

Oh, sorry.

One of the drawbacks of following crazy Dave.

You're on the air in three minutes.

What, what, what, three... three... three minutes?

Chili with Maui onions...

A hint of fennel...

And instead of beef, I'll use monk fish.

I'm brilliant.

Those judges won't know

what hit their little police palates.

Good, Carol! You know how cops

are always hanging around those 24-hour monk fish shops.

Hi, Barbara.

- Hey! - Hey, Carol.

Still trying to get those prisoners to write you back?

Charley, has anyone ever told you

you are the biggest, dumbest, slimiest neanderthal man

that walked the face of the earth?

Just rolls off my back, Carol.

And your hair looks stupid.

Ahh, geez! No need to get personal!

Don't pay any attention to her, Charley.

She's just upset

because I'm going to cream her butt in the chili cook-off.

First prize is a cruise to the Caribbean!

Cruise, I love cruises. I'm in!

Charley, you work on a cruise ship.

The ocean queen, this is too good!

This is my ship!

Imagine, I can sleep in a real cabin,

instead of down in the boiler room with a comic.

I hate to disillusion you, Charley,

but there is no way you're going to win this competition.

Well, I hate to disillusion you, Carol,

but chili is one of the two things I do best.

What's the other thing?

I can make a shadow puppet of Florida.

Without using my hands.

You are on the air with Dr. Harry Weston.

Oh yeah, the screen, the screen, the screen.

Okie-dokie!

And now, we go to fort lauderdale,

where delores has a three-year-old daughter,

who is showing symptoms of the mumps.

Hi!

Well, sorry.

Here we go. Okay.

Uh, hi, delores? Hi, Dr. Weston.

Uh, I have a three-year-old daughter,

who is showing symptoms of the mumps.

What should I do?

Have you consulted your physician?

No, I haven't.

Then you should consult your physician.

Okay, that was delores from fort lauderdale.

And next up, we have Renee from Miami beach.

Hi, Renee, how are you?

I'm fine.

It's my son I'm worried about.

Have you consulted your physician?

Not yet.

Well, it wouldn't hurt.

I'm glad I could help.

I'm on a roll here.

Well, remember, a blotch could be anything:

Acne, sun rash, impetigo,

an allergic reaction to head cheese, anything.

So...

my lord, he's actually gon' say somethin'.

What I'd recommend would be "consult your physician."

That number again is 555-wwen.

If you want to talk to me, just call.

Dr. Harry Weston,

pediatrician.

I'm waiting for your call.

We got a call!

This is Dr. Harry Weston. You're on the air.

Hello, Dr. Weston, I just want to say

I think you're the greatest.

Well, thank you. Uh, uh, what's the problem?

Well, my boy, Bradley, was at this party,

chasing around this trampy little ten-year-old,

and he cut himself on a piece of hardened plastic

that was covering the sofa;

Like it was such a great sofa that it needed to be covered.

Anyway, the party was, eh,

but the food was catered by "the elegant epicure."

My god!

Carol, the owner, she's marvelous!

A culinary genius!

Uh, well, uh, you should get little Bradley

to the doctor right away,

and you should probably see someone yourself.

I see by the old clock on the wall that that's,

uh, well, that's, that's just it now,

and, and, and I want to thank you all for joining us,

and I look forward to seeing you all...

Well, not seeing, listening, you to me, next week.

This is Dr. Harry Weston signing off.

Oh!

I'm so glad that's over with!

God, I really got to go to the bathroom!

Harry, turn the mic off.

That was Dr. Steven silbody's fascinating article

in this month's southeast journal of medicine,

"mysteries of the adolescent colon."

Oh, I see, uh, we have a call.

Uh, this is Dr. Weston. Go ahead.

Hi, doctor.

This is Claire from boca raton,

and I consulted my physician.

Well, I see you've been listening to the show.

Uh, what's going on, Claire?

Well, my five-year-old

has been feeling a little feverish.

The doctor prescribed some antibiotics

and acetaminophen for the fever.

Uh-huh.

I cant seem to get the fever to break, though,

I was wondering...

mommy!

Noah, mommy's on the phone.

- Sorry, doctor. - Mommy, no!

Well, his lungs sound clear.

Andrew ate a soldier, and he's turning purple!

What? Andrew, Andrew!

What, what's, what, what's going on, Claire?

Claire?

Claire, pick up the phone.

Oh, my god, he's blue.

I think my baby's choking to death.

He can't die! He can't! Somebody, help me!

Mommy!

- Claire? - Mommy!

Claire?

Claire?

Claire?

Claire?

What do I do? Oh god!

All right, dear. Come on, what's your address?

Um, 413 darby street.

Boca raton?

Yes. Andrew, wake up!

All right. Here we go, paramedics, here.

All right, now, listen to me, Claire.

Claire, can you see anything in Andrew's throat

that might be blocking his airway?

No, nothing! Help me, help me!

- He's dying! - All right, easy.

Take it easy, now.

Put your finger in his mouth, dear.

Sweep it from side to side. Do you feel anything?

No!

All right, Claire, sit down.

Put Andrew on your lap, face down.

Look for the middle of his back.

Yeah.

Now with the heel of your hand,

give it a sharp blow.

- Nothing, nothing! - Again.

There it is! Something came out!

Oh, my god! He's still not breathing!

All right, Claire, stay with me now.

Come on. What, what do I do now?

- Do you know cpr? - No!

All right, all right, all right.

Now, listen to me.

Put your mouth over his mouth and his nose,

and gently blow a small breath into his lungs.

Okay.

Again, small breath.

Again, small breath.

- You can do it. - Again.

- Come on, young'un. - Again.

- Breathe, damn it. - Again.

Fire department's on their way.

Again.

He's breathing!

All right, stop cpr, dear.

Hold him upright.

I love you, Andrew! He's gonna be okay, Noah.

That's a beautiful sound, isn't it?

- Ah. - Yay!

- Okay, daddy! - Never a doubt.

God bless you, doctor.

Well, I thank you, and god bless you, dear.

You did a great job.

- Hi, girls! - Daddy!

- We saw you on the news! - Yeah?

Daddy, you are the talk of Miami.

You and the man who boiled his grandparents.

- Daddy, you're a hero! - Oh, god, what a day!

God, I feel great! I mean, I mean,

this is why I became a doctor!

I don't mean to sound egotistical,

but, I mean, today, I made a difference!

Hey, how would you like to go to dinner

with a big radio star? You're kidding!

Yeah, I decided to keep the show.

Oh, I thought crazy Dave was coming.

So the germs are like this bad army

invading your body,

but the medicine is the good army.

You wanna hustle it up in here?

Oh, Laverne, please.

I have got a waitin' room full of pushy mommas,

and they's this one

I'm gon' to have to send down to proctology.

Why?

To remove my foot from her...

Come on, go.

Thank you, I'm almost finished.

Thank you.

Where was I?

Uhhh, so the medicine, uh, fights the germs in this war.

Boom, boom, boom, medicine wins.

Okay? You get some rest,

and I'll see you soon, Alvin.

Bye-bye, kiddo.

- Oh, it's him! - Doctor!

Oh, hello! Doctor, doctor!

What, what, what, what, what's going on?

Doctor's office, please hold.

Take a look at this appointment book.

Doctor's office, please hold.

I'm gon' need some help with these phones!

They is no way we can handle all these patients!

Laverne, these people need a doctor.

I can't turn them away. Just do the best you can.

Just do the best you can. Why didn't I think of that?

Who are all these people?

I told you, you are a celebrity!

People wanna take their young'uns

to a celebrity doctor!

But some of those kids weren't even sick!

Ha, ha.

No, but some of the parents are quite ill.

- Where's Carol? - Working the crowd.

I can't believe how far she'll go to win this thing.

And remember, the name of the company

is "the elegant epicure,"

and you can eat these wagon wheels.

They're tofu.

Can I have your attention, please?

We're just about ready

to announce the winners of our chili cook-off.

But remember, the real winners are those little orphans who...

who cares? Let's get on with it.

Anyway, third place goes to ed Guthrie.

Yours was an amusing little chili.

And the prize is a $50 gift certificate

to buzz aldrin's acres of pants.

Great, I can get ten pair!

The prize for the second best chili

goes to sergeant Barbara Weston!

Oh, oh!

And the prize is 75 free video rentals

at the beta only store.

And the first prize winner for the very best chili

in all of Miami,

Mr. Charles dytz.

Damn, so close.

Charley, it is you. It's Charley dietz.

No, no, it can't be!

Mr. dietz, will you come up here, please?

I don't know what to say.

Tell us about your great chili.

What's your secret?

Well, there's some people I... i want to thank.

First and foremost, I'd like to thank

those good people at hormel!

You mean, you used canned chili?

What?

I'm going to make it from scratch?

Pfft!

Yummy burgers, the yum, yum, yummiest burgers in Miami!

This is Harry Weston, here with you,

every Saturday from 11 to 3, 990 on the am dial,

and it's 78 degrees at 12:13.

Hi, you're on the air. Dr. Weston?

- Yeah, what's your name? - It's Dana.

Hi, Dana. What can I do for you?

Oh, well, my daughter, she's 18 months.

Well, she, she just can't keep anything down.

She's been spitting up for a couple of days.

- Uh, fever? - Yes, I'm pretty worried.

Well, how long has she had the fever?

Both days.

Well, get her to her doctor.

I tried to get her in to see you,

but you were booked.

Excuse me, I, uh... I may be out of line here,

but this really infuriates me.

Why don't you take her to her regular pediatrician?

- Well... - Why am I such a big deal,

because I'm on the radio?

What is, what is it with you people?

Your child is sick, ma'am!

Take her to her regular pediatrician!

You are her regular pediatrician.

Uh, Dana, Dana Anderson?

Yes.

Oh, Dana, I am sorr...

I am so sorry. Forgive me, dear.

I had no idea. Um, listen.

Bring, bring Jenny in today at 3:30.

No, no, no, no, you stay right where you are, dear.

I'll come over to the house.

Okay, thanks.

Wow, I can't believe they disqualified me.

All that hard work for nothing.

Yeah, but now, I'm the winner.

How could I lose to a can?

You didn't just lose to a can. You lost to a can and me.

Even the little orphans wouldn't eat your stupid chili.

You know, some might see this as a defeat,

but I see this as a validation of my talent.

My clients wouldn't be caught dead

in a room with chili.

If you made it, and they ate it, they would.

Hey, we forgot to listen to Harry's show.

Oh, yeah.

- This is my last broadcast. - What?

My reasons are completely selfish, I admit that,

but why I became a doctor was not only to help people,

but because of the way it made me feel

to become part of my patients' lives,

to make a difference.

That's why I became a purser.

That, and I can wear shorts to work.

Now, I'm, I'm so busy I'm like a machine.

Some doctors can operate that way.

I... i can't.

I love being a doctor, but most of all,

I love the time I get to spend with the children.

So, this radio show has been a wonderful experience,

and I do thank you for that, but now I think it's time

that I get back to practicing medicine

the way I used to.

One more call.

Hi, this is Dr. Harry Weston.

- You're on the air. - Dr. Weston?

- Yes. - It's true,

you're leaving the radio?

- Uh, yes. - No.

Yeah, afraid so.

May I give you some advice?

Oh, sure.

What you need is a retirement party,

and I know just the caterer, "the elegant epicure."

Barbara, you ready to go?

Ready. Bye, dreyf.

Hey, you ever wonder what dreyfuss does

when we go out, and he's home all alone?

He does what he always does. He sleeps.

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