All language subtitles for Empty Nest s03e07 Honey, I Shrunk Laverne.eng

oh, come on, Chuck.
It's poker night.

I'm counting on you being here.

Look, you're setting
a bad precedent.

If you're with her
on this first anniversary,

she's gonna expect it
every year.

- Darn.
- What was that all about?

I waited three years to get
into this precinct poker game,

and just my luck
on the first night in,

someone cancels.
Now I have to find a fifth.

So play with four.

Carol, playing poker
with only four people

is like having sex by yourself.

So what's your point?

Personally, I don't know
why anyone would wanna play

such a neanderthal
mindless game of chance anyway.

Oh, it's really fun.
All the guys

from the precinct gym
are coming.

- Men from a gym?
- Right.

I wanna play.

Carol, even if I liked you
and stuff,

there would be no way.

This is a major game
for real poker players.

So I'll learn.
I'll read a book or something.

How hard can it be? You play it.

Hi, all.

Hey, where's the oj?

You drank it all yesterday.

What, don't you shop?

And what's
with the generic cola?

Come on, girls.
Daddy's a doctor.

Let's shell out a few bucks
for some brand names.

Charley, how'd you like
to play poker Saturday night?

No can do. Saturday night's
my how-to-meet-men seminar.

Why would you wanna meet men?

I don't. I wanna meet the women

who wanna meet men.
I can't wait.

A whole room full of
the kinda babes I can't resist...

Desperate.

Now I really wanna play.

Why?

Because I was going
to attend that seminar.

Oh, come on, Barbara.
Let me play.

You know how hard it is
to meet nice men.

Men from a gym.
Come on. What do you say?

I say no.

I didn't think
you knew that word.

You should try it sometime
on one of your dates.

Morning, ladies.

- Daddy, what's that?
- Well, I have to pick out

some new wallpaper
for exam room three.

And usually I have such trouble

making these kind of decisions,

this time, I'm absolutely sure.

Ah? Teddy bears' picnic.
What do you think?

Oh, it's so cute.
And look at them

eating their little sandwiches.

I hope that isn't egg salad.

All that cholesterol
would give them

little Teddy coronaries.

Morning, Laverne.
Here, come here.

I wanna show you this.
It can wait.

This come for you today.

Oh, I got a new parking space.

Well, j-25.

Whoa, whoa!

Row j, that's in the shade.
How did this happen?

Dr. schmidt's malpractice
insurance shot up

after that last
pancreas slip-up.

So he moved to Argentina
and freed a j spot.

Get out of town,
and they just gave it to me?

No, I had to tap
into the hospital computer

and do some fancy finger work.

And while i's in there,

I did some fiddlin'
with the cafeteria menu,

and we will be having
chicken fried steak

all week long. Mmm-mm.

Laverne, this coffee
tastes... different.

It's decaf.
You've been overdoing it

on the caffeine lately.

You don't want
your hands a-shaking

when you're treating young'uns,

otherwise, you'll
wind up down in Argentina

with Dr. schmidt a-wearin'
a pair of them gaucho pants.

Well, I...

I liked my old coffee.

Anyway, here,
let me show you this.

- Oh, bye, guys.
- Who were they?

They just
put up the new wallpaper.

I picked up the pattern myself...

Goslings on parade.

Goslings on parade?

Oh, no, not goslings.
I hate goslings on parade.

Well, you'll grow to like it.
That's damn cute.

Laverne, I like
the Teddy bears' picnic.

Oh, you would. It's too drab,
and the bears are too scrawny,

and what in Mary's heaven
is that pig

with the pearls doing there?

Maybe she's going
somewhere fancy afterwards.

What am I talking about?
This is wallpaper.

Oh, come on, Leon.
You're my last hope.

Yeah, I understand. Damn.

A royal flush
beats a straight flush,

which beats four of a kind,
which beats a full house,

which beats a flush,
which beats a straight.

Carol, forget it.

You're not playing
in my poker game.

Barbara, I know my stuff.

A straight
beats three of a kind,

which beats two pair,
which beats one pair,

which beats the high card.

Ante up, see you,
raise you, fold.

- Okay. Okay, you can play.
- Thank you, Barbara.

But I have some rules.

First of all, no whining.
Even if you lose.

- Okay.
- And none of that girly stuff

like, "oh, so many pretty cards",

which one will match my outfit?"

Got it.

And under no circumstances

are you to tell anyone
your dreams.

Fine. This is gonna be
so much fun.

Ah! Goody, goody, goody.

That's girly.

Hot damn. Let's play cards.

Daddy, what's wrong?

My Teddy bears' picnic
got trampled on

by a bunch of parading goslings.

Oh, daddy. I'm so sorry.

What the hell
is he talking about?

I didn't even get my wallpaper.

You would think in my own office

I could get my own
wallpaper, but I didn't.

All I got was
some Nazi's parking space.

Oh, daddy.
No wonder you're upset.

What the hell
is he talking about?

Without even asking me,
Laverne just goes ahead

and wallpapers a room.

"Goslings on parade."

Oh, big deal, daddy.
It's just wallpaper.

But it's not just wallpaper.
It's everything. It's...

I mean, it's like
it's nurse Todd's office

and she lets me drop by

and practice
a little medicine there.

Well, everything's gonna change.

Tomorrow I'm gonna sit her down

and set her straight.

Straight. A straight beats
three of a kind,

which beats two pair
which beats one pair

which beats the high card.
Ante up.

- Good morning, Laverne.
- You're late.

Laverne, just never mind that.

Please I wanna talk with you

about a very important
problem we have.

What is it?

My Teddy bears' picnic.

The wallpaper is a done deal.

No, it is not.
Laverne, listen to me.

When you went ahead
and picked another pattern

without even discussing it
with me,

you stepped on
some very important toes.

My toes, your boss's toes.

Head honcho toes.

Have you been hanging
around X-ray

without that lab bib again?

Laverne, I'm serious.

We have a real problem here.

From now on,
we have a new policy.

Any and all decisions
affecting this office

go through me first.

What coffee, wallpaper,
when I eat, where I eat.

But I have had my own way
of running this office

for the last seven years.

I know.
That, Laverne, is the problem.

So what you're saying
is all this time

you've been unhappy
with my work?

What I'm saying is
that it cannot...

Will not continue this way.

Well, I hear you, doctor.
And I think you're right.

Oh. You do?

I do. And starting tomorrow,

things are gonna be
different around here.

Ooh, so thank you
very much, Laverne.

- 'Cause I quit.
- Wait, Laverne,

you didn't understand
what I just said.

I understood you exactly,
doctor.

But I can't change.
This is who I am.

That's the only way
i know how to be.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
i want to start a-packin' my things.

- Laverne, you are not quitting.
- Yes, I am.

Laverne, have you already
forgotten

we have a new way
of doing things around here?

You can't quit

without running it
past me first.

Good-bye, doctor.

Oh, hi, dreyf.

You can't sleep either, huh?

It couldn't have
anything to do with that...

18-hour nap you just
came off of, could it?

Oh, dreyf, dreyf.

Oh, I feel so bad about Laverne.

I never meant for her to quit.

I just wish she weren't
so inflexible.

Ah, dreyf, I mean,
i wanna call her but...

What am I gonna say? "It's okay."

We'll do things your way
from now on?"

I can't do that. I mean,
the fact is I'm her boss.

I'm the one
who signs her checks.

All right, she signs 'em,
but it's my name.

I don't know, I don't know.
Maybe it's all for the best.

Time for...

Laverne and i
to kind of just move on.

Come on, dreyf.
Let's go watch some TV together.

Come on, dreyf.

Come.

Come, come, dreyfuss, come.

You know, you and Laverne
have a lot in common.

There you go, my sweetheart.

Now you're gonna get a balloon

from my nice new nurse.

- Coffee's ready, doctor.
- Oh, yeah, okay.

Bye-bye, gorgeous.

Ah, this is great.

None of that decaf.
Boy, I wish I could...

I wish I could have
this every morning.

You can have whatever you want.

Really?

Well, it is your office.
You're the doctor.

That's right. I am, aren't I?

Nurse Bradford, let me ask you
a question, please.

What do you think about the fact

that I came into the office
five minutes late this morning?

That's your prerogative,
Dr. Weston.

That's right. It is.

And, uh... why is that again?

Because it's your office,
and you're the doctor.

That's right.

Let's kind of make that
our little slogan around here.

Whatever you say, doctor.

Ooh, I like that one also.

We'll have two slogans.
I can do that. It's my office.

I wanted to remind you,
Dr. Weston,

that you have a 12:30 lunch
with Dr. Davenport.

Oh, okay. Very good.
And that's at where?

Wherever you want, doctor.

That's right. It's my office
and I'm the doctor.

Very well, lunch, uh...

In a restaurant.

Probably should go
to a restaurant.

That's it, uh,
we wanna go to a restaurant.

- Which one?
- Whichever you prefer.

Well, my preference
isn't important.

It's what you want.
It's your office.

You're the doctor.

Oh, that again?

Dr. Weston's office.

A Mrs. lundquist on line two.

Oh, that's
the hospital administrator.

She's just gonna
wanna talk my ear off

about the annual fundraiser.

So I should take a message.

Well, I... I mean,
i do need to talk with her.

So I should put her through.

I didn't say that. Let me think.

Let me think.

She hung up, doctor.

Well, that worked out.

About lunch?

Oh, gosh, I'm getting
a real pounding headache here.

Oh, let me get you
something for that.

- Yeah, please.
- Aspirin or Tylenol?

- Aspirin.
- Tablets, capsules or caplets?

Oh!

Hi, Laverne.

Nick told me
I'd find you out here.

Well, I had
some spare time on my hands

so I changed the battery,
plugs, points,

adjusted the timing
and added a turbo option.

I just learned how to open
my glove compartment.

Laverne, uh... we need to talk.

Well, fine.
Could you hand me that ratchet?

- Sure, yeah.
- Thank you.

There. Uh, could you do
that one on your side?

Oh, yeah, sure. Uh, Laverne...

You know, we've been
together seven years.

Seven years,
that's a real long time,

and we've been through
so much together.

Is this the exact same bolt
you have on your side?

Identical. Keep a-ratchetin'.

Anyway, Laverne,
things at the office

just aren't the same
without you.

I mean, this isn't easy to say.

But...

How are you coming
with that bolt?

Real good.

Anyway, uh, Laverne...

Oh, let me say my piece first.

I had a tough night last night.

And I'm feeling like I might
wanna come back to the office.

Oh, Laverne, that's great.

I mean, I want...
I want you to come back.

Do you wanna come back?
Well, good.

Then you've finally
come to your senses

and realized that the way I run
that office is the right way.

Well, no. Actually,
i was hoping that you'd...

You'd be willing to change,
you know.

We're right back
where we started.

How are you coming?

Laverne, this has to be
the longest bolt in the world.

Why do I have the feeling that
on the other side of the globe

there's a Chinese mechanic
waiting patiently with a nut?

Well...

Well...

Well, I'm... I'm gonna
miss you a lot.

I'm gonna miss you too.

Laverne, we've had
a great relationship

for seven years.
You don't just throw that away.

Well, well, wait a minute now.

When Nick and I had
some problems back in hickory,

well, we sought out
professional help.

Oh, you saw a therapist.

No, a notary public.

Laverne, you may be on
to something here.

You know a good notary public
in Miami?

Not a notary public,
a therapist.

Do they have the same training?

Much better.
I'll make all the arrangements

and I'll call you
and tell you when and where.

Be sure and bring
two forms of I.D.

Would you hurry up?
You're holding up the game.

Shut up. I'm making an entrance.

Where do you think you're going?

- I'm not playing.
- Why not?

Because... they're unappealing.

They're as good
as the guy you went out with

with the bad toupee.
That wasn't a bad toupee.

Carol, it had
a buckle in the back.

Never mind that. You told me
they went to the gym.

- They do.
- What,

is there an all-you-can-eat
pudding bar there?

No. They didn't pass

the department's physical
requirement

so they're in remedial aerobics.

- I can't stay here.
- Carol, I don't believe you!

You drove me crazy
for three days

trying to get into this game.

Now you wanna back out?
That's not fair.

Okay, Barbara, you're right.

But I hate you so much.

Art, John, ed,
this is my sister, Carol.

- How do you do?
- Are you in or out, lady?

- She's in.
- I bet a quarter.

- Quarter.
- Me, too.

- Hey, ed.
- I'll play these.

- Take one.
- I'll take two.

I'll get it.
You guys keep playing.

You know that bum
i arrested yesterday?

- No.
- Uh, the one with one ear.

- Oh, yeah.
- Two-two, please.

He gave me lice.

On second thought,
I'll just stick with these.

Hey, they found a suspect
in the Henderson case

so I'm sorry, guys,
i have to get down

to the station right away.

Oh, the game's over.

What a shame. I'm sorry.

Well, it was very nice
playing with you, boys.

Not so fast.

You guys can keep playing
because I found a fifth.

Hi, everybody.

Great. Charley, thanks.

I'm ready to play.
Can I borrow $10?

I thought you were
at the how-to-meet-men seminar.

I was. Apparently,
every available guy in town

had my idea. You think
one woman would've shown up,

she would've had
the pick of the litter, but no.

Just a bunch a doctors
and lawyers...

And a whole busload
of French intellectuals.

Well, I hope that psychiatrist

don't go into my early
developmental years

like that notary public did.

Shoo, was that painful!

Hi, Harry. Laverne.
I'm Dr. Phelps.

- Hi, there.
- Hi.

Please, sit down.

Now, I understand

that you're having
some communication problems.

And communication problems
very often start in the bedroom.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

We seem to have stumbled
upon something here?

No, no, no. Doc... doctor,
i don't think you understand.

Laverne and I...

We're not married.

No, we don't sleep together.

I'm a doctor.
Laverne's my nurse.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I thought
you were the pattersons.

No need to give you that...
Size-is-not-important speech.

Ha.

Uh, now, why don't you tell me
why you are here today?

Uh, well, I guess it
all started the other morning

when, uh, Laverne and i
were having this...

How shall I put it?

- Wallpaper spat.
- Yeah, right.

You see, Laverne picked
a pattern for the office

without asking me, but, I mean,
it's not just wallpaper.

It's... I mean,

Laverne won't let me make
one single decision, you see.

She's got this thing about...

- Control.
- Right.

See, sometimes I think
she wants to control...

Everything you say and do?

I mean, I guess
it's been like this

from the very, very
beginning but...

Lately it's really started to...

- Drive you crazy?
- No.

- Bug you?
- Hers.

You know, usually
it takes me a few sessions

to really get a feel
for a couple but...

I don't think I have ever seen
a conflict acted out

so clearly before.

Well, thank you.

I mean, I... I couldn't have
done it without him.

- Yeah, well, I'd say.
- Laverne, let's talk

about this need
you have for control.

What do you think that's about?

Well, I... I guess it goes back

to my growin' up on the farm.

Money was tight.

It was up to me
to bring in the cotton crop

unless they foreclose on us.

Luckily, we had the help
of a kindly but blind border...

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Uh, that's a movie.
That's... that's

places in the heart.

Did... did I say farm?
I meant coal mine.

See, doo had just
got back from the army...

No, no, no, no.
That's coal miner's daughter.

All right, all right, I'm pushy.

I've always been pushy.
I don't know why I'm pushy.

I'm just pushy.

But with Dr. Weston now,
it's a good kind of pushy.

I mean, he's a great doctor.
He has a real gift that way.

I mean, if you ever saw him
with them young'uns,

you wouldn't hardly believe it.

Well, it don't seem right him
making those puny decisions

when I could be
doing that for 'im.

I never meant to step
on all those toes of yourn.

'Specially them big honcho ones.

I guess I could try to be
a little less pushy.

I'm sorry.

That's all I wanted to hear.

Thank you, doctor. We are cured.

Uh, no, no, no.
Not so fast, Dr. Weston.

It's time to talk about
your role in all of this.

My? Who? Me?

Yes, you.

You have put Laverne
in an impossible situation.

Harry, you have got to make it
clear to Laverne

which decisions you want her
to be involved in

and which ones you don't.

I can do that.

If I remind you, you can.

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