Original subtitles

What are you doing with that fiddle

and those flies?

I'm observing the reaction on the common housefly

of the chromatic scale.

I never get tired

of these Sherlock Holmes films.

Dr. Watson's like a cuddly Teddy bear

I hug before I go to sleep.

I can do cuddly.

I can eclipse cuddly.

I can do snuggly.

Well, it's late.

I've got an early shift tomorrow.

Me, too.

You don't have to walk me out.

My car's right in front.

Oh, well. So much for the age of chivalry.

What? I'll be fine.

Well, thanks for tonight.

I had a great time.

This is becoming a habit.

Well, nurse Faber,

how about we follow up with some Springsteen tickets

tomorrow night at the sports arena?

I'd love to, but I can't.

I have plans.

Can't you change them?

We're talking about Bruce Springsteen.

This is New Jersey's favorite son,

the boss, Bruce.

Doogie, I have a date.

A date?

That's fine. No problem. I understand.

Who can blame you?

Who can blame him?

Well...

Could we get together

later in the week?

That's fine, fine. Wednesday. Thursday.

Uh, later.

O.K.

Well, see you at work.

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, Mr. Holmes, i...

I'm so frightened.

What are you frightened of?

Murder.

Sit down, miss Brandon.

Now, suppose you tell us all about it.

Well, this came for my brother Lloyd

in the post two days ago.

What do you make of this, Watson?

Huh?

Why, these words were cut from a magazine

and glued to the page.

What a comfort it is

knowing you're around to state the obvious.

I received these others.

There's a Mr. howser to see you, sir.

Douglas?

If I'm not mistaken,

"doctor" is the correct nomenclature.

A surgeon, I believe.

Why, yes. How ever did you know?

When a gentleman walks in smelling of iodoform,

with nitrate of silver on his forefinger,

the deduction is simple.

Miss Faber is obviously a co-worker.

She carries a similar scent,

though she's cleverly disguised it

with a pleasant perfume.

Nuit de Paris, is it not?

Why, yes. Yes, it is.

Amazing.

Elementary, my dear Watson.

Douglas, I thought you'd gone on to the hospital.

I noticed you left your purse in the carriage.

Oh, thank you, Douglas.

What on earth would I do without you?

As you see, Mr. Holmes,

these horrid letters have me most distracted.

If any man in england can help you,

it's Mr. Sherlock Holmes.

I'm sure it's a prank,

but miss Faber insisted upon seeing you.

Her peace of mind is worth any price.

I must get back. Pleasure to meet you.

Michele.

If I take your case,

you must be honest with me.

Of course.

Are you and...

Dr. howser romantically involved?

Well, we have an understanding.

We enjoy each other's company

and yet also enjoy the freedom

to see others.

How very liberated.

Oh, really, Dr. Watson,

this is the nineties.

It's perfectly acceptable

for women to lead a more independent lifestyle,

although admittedly

my confidence has been rather shaken.

Yes, I'm sure it has.

Thankfully, since this terrible business began,

Dr. howser has been my constant companion.

Is there anyone

who might want to hurt you?

Good heavens, no.

Uh, uh, someone at the, uh, hospital, perhaps?

A patient, co-worker?

Someone with a grudge?

Someone with a limp?

Someone with both?

That's enough, Watson.

Please, Mr. Holmes, you must help me.

All right, miss Faber.

We'll take your case.

Join us for tea, won't you?

Well, Watson, the game's afoot.

Hmm?

Oh, yes.

Quite a bewitching foot it is.

So, anybody do anything exciting this weekend?

Michael and I drove to Santa Barbara.

How about you, curly?

Same old thing.

Got a haircut, got my car washed,

got engaged.

What?

Excuse me?

Bob asked me to marry him.

Oh!

Congratulations!

I'm so happy for you.

Look at my ring.

I'm surprised you can even lift your hand.

Curly and Dr. Whitman are engaged.

Look.

Wow.

I'm really happy for you, curly.

I can hardly believe it.

It happened so... Fast.

You've been seeing him six months.

They were six very fast months.

Oh, here he is!

Congratulations.

Mary told you the good news.

Mary?

Did you think I was named

after one of the three stooges?

Have you set a date?

Sometime this winter.

I've got a two-week time share in Aspen.

We can check out some property.

Never too early to think about retirement.

Honey, aren't we a little young for that?

You're right. We'll put our money in an ira.

Not only is she smart,

but she's practical and hardworking.

And she has good teeth.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Doogie.

Bob, all the happiness in the world.

Well, thank you, but I've already got it

right here with Mary.

There's just so many things to think about.

Should we have an afternoon wedding

and have it outside,

or at night

because it's classier?

Then there's my dress.

And the food.

What do you think of rumaki?

Too salty.

Congratulations, curly.

Dr. Whitman's a catch, don't you think, doogie?

Yeah.

Please. You'll bowl me over

with your enthusiasm.

No. I think Bob's a nice guy.

See you.

Nice?

As in, gee, what nice weather we're having?

Not too cold, not too hot... Nice.

You don't like Bob, do you?

I like Bob fine.

O.K. Sometimes I find Bob a little dry.

How can you say that?

Have you ever seen him outside the hospital?

Bob happens to be a lot of fun.

If you're happy, I'm happy.

I'm happier than I've ever been

in my whole damn life.

Bob is...

A really nice guy who cares about me.

And if that's not good enough for you,

too bad.

God, are you arrogant.

Let me get this straight.

You're giving me these Springsteen tickets?

The concert starts at 8:00.

You have my blessing.

Just a second. I thought you were taking Michele.

Huh?

I believe your exact words were,

"once Bruce sings hungry heart,

she'll melt like hot fudge in a microwave."

Michele won't be able to make it.

Why not?

Um, uh, she has another date, o.K.?

Yes, thank you. I'm open-minded.

Did it occur to you to take somebody else?

Vin, I'm tired. I had a busy week.

Plus I have to...

Wash your hair?

I'm not making excuses.

Doog, you have reached the nirvana of bachelorhood.

I mean, you're dating this great woman,

plus you're free to see others.

A banquet is spread before you,

but you're not partaking of the female buffet.

So what?

Doesn't it bother you

that Michele's out with some other guy?

Not in the least.

There will be times when I'm on a date

and Michele will be at home.

It's a two-way street

whether I decide to drive it or not.

Oh. Well...

Uh, a daring metaphor, but, uh, crap.

Your lips are saying

you're cool with this arrangement,

but your actions say

that you've got the hungry heart.

Thanks for the tickets.

I'll bring you a t-shirt.

Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!

Bruce...

I say, Holmes,

are you still looking at miss Faber's letter?

Allow me to congratulate you

on a brilliant bit of deduction.

If you ask me,

miss Faber would have fewer worries

if she didn't insist

on being one of these dashed modern girls.

How can cupid strike when she's gamboling about?

Nonsense, Watson.

Miss Faber is an independent, sensible young woman.

Her arrangement with Dr. howser

is perfectly suited for a young person's needs.

Come in, Mrs. Hudson.

Your dinner, gentlemen.

Oop.

Mrs. Hudson,

and may I say

that's a fetching frock you're wearing?

Get away with you, you bad man.

Ho ho ho ho!

Hello.

Hello.

Sorry.

Egria pulp,

rag content, zero,

12-pound weight,

m.S. Watermark.

Aha! Just as I thought.

Dear Watson, I've solved the case.

What? Already?

How do you know?

I'm Sherlock Holmes.

We haven't a moment to lose.

Dear Watson, one moment.

If you'll open the door,

you'll find miss Faber's saved us a trip.

What?

Mr. Holmes.

Oh, miss Faber. Delighted.

Dr. howser,

I suggest you see your cobbler.

I believe there's a nail

stuck in the heel of your left boot.

Mr. Holmes, I've found another note.

Michele, Mr. Holmes is busy.

He hasn't time for nonsense.

Hardly nonsense, I think.

Miss Faber, I agreed to take your case,

and I've brought it to a successful conclusion.

Yes. We know who the culprit is.

Would you like to tell her, Watson?

Oh, no, no, no. You go right ahead.

The author of these notes is a man...

Intelligent, ingenious, but pitifully insecure.

I had nothing to do with it!

Not you, Watson.

The man who sent these letters

is Dr. Douglas howser.

Go away.

I am so tired,

I could sleep until July.

And miss your wedding?

Yeah.

Doogie, did you ever want something so much,

you lose sight of what you're giving up for it?

I'm not sure what you mean.

Last night,

Bob and I were eating on the patio

at this restaurant,

when this baby raccoon ran under the table.

It was incredibly cute.

So I took some fish off my plate

and put it on the ground.

The raccoon picked up the fish in its paw

and ate it.

So I looked deep into Bob's eyes

to share it with him,

and he said, "really, Mary."

"Don't you know in 1991,

3,079 raccoons tested positive for rabies?"

Not everyone's a nature lover.

I love Bob,

but... Am I in love with him?

I think what I'm in love with

is the idea of getting married.

No, I'm in love with the idea

of not being single.

There's a quote by mallet...

"I have every reason to love you.

What I lack is the unreason."

Doogie, don't ever let your mind

talk you into something

your heart can't live with.

Hi. It's doogie. I can't come to the phone.

Please leave a message, and I'll call you back.

Thanks.

Hi, doogie. It's Michele.

You're still not home?

Hello.

Oh, well.

I hope you had a good time at the concert.

I'm still up if you want to call.

Speak to you soon, I hope. Bye.

Douglas, how could you?

A classic crime of passion, miss Faber.

Intellectually, Dr. howser agreed

to this open arrangement of yours,

but he couldn't cope with it emotionally.

Ergo, he devised a plan

to frighten you into his arms

so he'd have you exclusively.

That's absurd.

Is it?

This paper used to write the note

is a peculiar kind

sold only at marks & Spencer,

across from St. Bartholomew's hospital,

where you are employed.

When I examined the typography,

I discovered the words glued to this page

were snipped from the lancet,

a medical journal.

Could be any number of doctors.

True, but you'll notice

these last two words... Grave danger...

Were clipped together.

Their cut marks angle upward,

indicating they were made

by small, left-handed scissors.

Nail clippers, I think.

You are left-handed, are you not?

Great Scott, Holmes.

You're the wisest man I've ever known.

Yes. Yes, I am.

Michele...

Please try to forgive me.

Try to understand

I just simply couldn't control my feelings.

Why, the thought of you with another man

drove me mad.

Doogie, if you couldn't handle it,

you should have just told me.

Well, I thought I could.

So...

Now you're saying

you don't want me to see other people?

Well... Yeah.

Wow.

I guess you're ready to get serious.

I'll give up my apartment

and move in with you.

That's too fast for me.

So what is it that you want?

Well, in a perfect world,

you'd only see me,

and I'd be able to see other people.

Then I wouldn't be jealous

and worry about our relationship being too serious.

Now, that is an enlightened attitude.

O.K. I want us to see each other exclusively.

But that's too fast for me.

All I'm ready for now

is the relationship we have.

I... i can't handle that, Michele.

It has to be all or nothing.

I really hope we can still be friends.

It's important to me.

Yeah. Sure.

We can go bowling together.

Really, Holmes, must you really scratch away at that?

What are you up to now?

I'm testing the effects of bach's partita number 2 in d minor

on the mating cycle of the common housefly.

Oh?

Good god.

I had no idea flies did that.

What do you think will become of miss Faber and Dr. howser?

With luck, they'll learn something from this regrettable affair.

A lesson to all young people...

Too much latitude, not enough commitment.

Yes, I suppose modern freedoms can be both a blessing and a curse.

It's appalling. Men driven to desperate means,

independent women.

Nonsense, Watson. We've only seen the beginning.

I foresee in the future

the independent woman will rise to new heights,

reject old ideas, earn her own wages,

possibly even vote.

Really, Holmes, you may be a genius,

but as a fortuneteller, you're an absolute bust.

Perhaps you're right, dear fellow.

Perhaps you're right.

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