Original subtitles

Ew, these shrimp stink.

Get these puppies on ice.

I've invited nine people.

Counting me, that's five men and five women.

Assuming men eat more than women

and considering there'll also be stuffed mushrooms,

brie, and assorted crudites,

I figure each man will consume nine jumbo shrimp,

women six.

That's 15 shrimp per couple, 75 total.

At $12 for 10, that's $90.

Just within my food budget.

You're planning a new year's Eve party,

not the invasion of normandy.

I'm on a very tight budget.

Owning your own place is very expensive.

Last week I spent $120 having my drain snaked.

I hope you're feeling better.

Why not serve up pizzas and sodas?

I want my new year's Eve party

to be classy, sophisticated,

not a high school puke fest.

There is nothing wrong

with a good old-fashioned puke fest.

We should respect our roots.

What?

Ahem.

Ohh!

Don't come near me.

I have a gun.

Where?

Me? What are you doing here?

I live here.

I rented this place six months ago from Harold Bailey

from December 15th to January 15th

for $1,500.

I bought this place from Harold in October.

He can't do that.

I know.

I'm sorry.

There's a nice hotel down the street.

I could call.

Oh, no. I'm not leaving.

Oh, yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

I have a lease.

It's in here somewhere.

Um...

Here it is.

"Under landlord-tenant law,

"this lease is in full effect

and can't be vitiated by sale to the new owner."

Don't tell me. You're a lawyer.

No. I dated one.

I'm a model.

Whoa!

I knew I recognized you.

You're the, uh...

The relentless girl from the commercial, huh?

Yeah.

Phoebe hale.

Wow, I can't believe this.

This is... doog!

This is the relentless perfume girl

from the commercial.

She's standing right here.

I can see that, Vinnie.

What are you doing here?

I hate New York in the winter.

It's freezing, and the traffic is such a pain.

Excuse me, miss relentless.

This is all very nice,

but you really can't stay here.

Fine. Just give me my $1,500, and I'm gone.

15... i don't have $1,500.

Why don't we just be roommates?

I don't want a roomma...

If I wanted a roommate, I'd get a dog.

Excuse us.

I'll be outside.

O.K.

Are you out of your mind?

This is why you moved to venice,

so someone like her could stroll into your life.

I didn't ask her to stroll into my life.

I happen to enjoy my privacy,

and I'm happy living on my own.

Excuse me. Could one of you toss me the sunblock?

Thanks.

Could somebody help us?

You all right?

I must have taken too much Insulin.

Let's get him in here.

Thanks.

Get me a blood sugar, start an I.V.,

and get me a syringe of 50% glucose.

Right away.

We were fishing off the pier,

and he got dizzy suddenly.

He said to bring him here.

There you go.

What the heck is that?

A shunt. Works on dialysis.

It's nothing, jer.

I got diabetes.

It screwed up my kidneys.

I'm waiting on a kidney transplant.

You didn't tell me you were sick.

We've only known each other for four days.

What was I going to say?

"I'm Burt. Happen to have an extra kidney in your tackle box?"

Try to relax. I'll be right back.

O.K., doc.

Burt, don't you need to pick up your kid at school?

I'll get her for you.

That's o.K., Jerry.

She's got soccer practice anyway,

but thanks, o.K.?

Are you available?

Love your place.

Thanks.

Bye.

Bye.

I called Harold to get your money back,

but he's at a sweat lodge somewhere in new Mexico.

Oh, a sweat lodge.

Cool.

Hey, what do you say

we go out for some falafel?

Thanks anyway, but tonight's my bill-paying night.

Really?

You have a bill-paying night?

The last Sunday of each month.

Don't tell me. You have laundry night, too.

Wednesdays. Something wrong with that?

Look, forget I said anything.

Sorry I interrupted your, um,

bill-paying ritual.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.

People like you kill me.

You succeed in spite of yourself through luck.

You're getting upset again.

Let me ask you a question.

Where would you be if you weren't so beautiful?

Where would you be if you weren't a genius?

This is pointless.

I'm going to sleep.

Fine.

I hope you're not doing this for my sake.

I'm a model.

I undress in front of strangers all the time.

Your mother must be so proud.

I'm doing this for me

so I can pretend you're not here.

O.K.

Good night.

Hey, Dr. howser.

How you doing, Burt?

Any dizziness since yesterday?

I'm o.K. I feel fine.

Good.

Everybody decent?

Jerry?

Thought I'd see how you're doing.

I'm o.K.

Uh... Come on in.

You can see how they clean my blood.

It's like an oil change.

You remember Dr. howser.

Look, i... i can't stay.

I've been doing a lot of thinking

about your problem...

Needing a new kidney.

Uh-huh.

Well, if you want it,

I'll give you one of mine.

Wait... wait... Wait a minute, Jerry.

Look, we fished together a few times.

Now, why would you want to give me a kidney?

I just think it's the right thing to do.

Well, let's not put the cart before the horse.

There's still a lot of tests to run

even to see if Jerry's kidney's a match.

Plus you'll want to see

one of our hospital psychiatrists.

I'm not crazy, doc.

I'll do whatever you want me to do.

Now I got to get back to work.

Burt's got my number.

I'll see you later.

Oh, my god. What has she done to my place?

I want this loft the way it was.

Wait a minute. Just give it a chance.

You might feel different.

I spent two months working on the floor plan.

I don't want to feel different.

I'll move it back.

Good.

Can you give me a hand?

Oh, by the way, Janine called.

She says she can't make it

to your new year's Eve party.

Great.

It's only one person. No big deal.

Not a big deal?

10 people is perfect party balance.

10 people is 5 couples.

Nine people is four couples dancing

and one person watching,

which makes everyone totally self-conscious.

Plus, what about pictionary?

That's five on four. It's not fair.

What?

If you want me to come to your party,

you just have to ask.

What?

We both know what this is about.

You're attracted to me.

What?

I'm...

I know what's happening here.

I... you're insane.

You're insane.

That's it, isn't it? That's it.

This is like the movie

where that roommate moves in

and tries to drive the other person crazy.

Well, it's not going to happen.

Stay out of my life, o.K.?

Don't decorate my place,

don't touch my computer,

don't wear my robe.

Fine.

Ooh. Kind of chilly.

A total stranger doesn't hand over a kidney for nothing.

This is America. This guy wants something.

He gave no indication of that to the psychiatrist.

Not now, maybe.

But who's to say a year from now

he don't show up with a shyster lawyer?

He can't do that.

He's already signed a release.

It's illegal for him to ask for money.

My own brother wouldn't give me a kidney.

I'm telling you, there's something fishy going on.

Hey.

There you are.

They just told me I'm a match.

Hey, this is great, man.

It's a go.

Is something wrong?

Is something wrong?

Yeah.

Yeah, there's something wrong.

Who the hell do you think you are?

If you were dead, I could understand it,

but you're still using it.

Jerry, Burt's uncertain of your motives.

You're a good man, Burt.

Come on, Jerry.

You don't even know anything about me.

I know you've been married

to the same woman for 25 years.

You like to get up early,

make pancakes with your daughter.

I know you're a loyal dodger fan.

I know you're worried

about your health insurance running out.

And I just want to see you live.

Um...

Well, uh...

I guess we're going to go through with it, huh?

Yeah.

You sure this Angela will be cool?

How should I know? I never met her.

She's my roommate's cousin.

You said you needed a 10th.

O.K. Uh...

In a half hour, everyone shows up.

You chill the drinks. I'll get the food.

Sounds like somebody's partying.

Hey, here we go

watch the road, don't drive slow

it's been so long, it's been so hard

there's a million things in my backyard

I get excited

I get so impatient

it takes so long to get back home

I bet you're wondering why these people are here.

The thought crossed my mind.

Well, after I decided to be your 10th,

my friend Gunther called,

and he didn't have any plans,

but he wanted to bring a friend,

so I had to invite Claudia.

After that, I lost count.

Get these people out of my home...

Gunther, Claudia,

happy, sneezy, dopey, all of them.

I want them out of here now.

That may be tough.

Hey, there's Gunther now.

Oh, my god.

Don't touch the shrimp. Don't touch it.

Oh...

Don't even think about it.

Wait. Wait. Oh...

Excuse me.

I'm sorry. There's been a big mistake.

You'll have to find another party.

Happy new year.

Doogie, it's curly!

And Raymond!

All right. Everyone out.

Come on.

Come on.

Let's go. Come on. Move.

Happy new year!

Thanks.

Hi. I'm Angela.

Oh, hi. Thanks for coming.

Uh, everyone, uh, just stick together and come with me.

Kickin' party, dude.

Thanks, ed.

I thought you said it was formal.

It is. That is not my party.

Ignore them.

Excuse me, dancing people.

Here. Why don't you have a seat?

Uh, excuse me. Excuse me. Please.

Oh. O.K.

Just have a seat.

Right on my couch. My couch.

Raymond, come on.

Hi. I'm Phoebe.

Come on through.

Here. Excuse me. Excuse us.

Excuse us. Excuse us.

Just scoot over.

Hello. Hello. Scoot over.

Please. Sit down. Sit down.

Thank you. Sit down.

This is Angela.

Hi.

Excuse me.

I have hors d'oeuvres.

Here they are. Shrimp?

Shrimp?

No, thanks. I just ate.

Curly?

No, thanks.

Shrimp?

All right! The band's here!

No! No!

Uh, uh, hold this.

Stay.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Humor him.

You're not welcome here.

Excuse me. Put the drum down.

...do taste, I couldn't stand to see

This young girl wrote to me

So I have a little bit of sugar with cream

Come on. It's a movie. It's easy.

Take the money and run.

No.

The great train robbery.

No. Vinnie, you know this one.

It's a... a hand full of money.

A f...

That's it!

No more games, doog. O.K.? That's it.

And I've had my fill of that jumbo shrimp.

This rubber band's digging in my neck.

I'm going over the wall! Who's with me?

- Me! - Whoo!

Who wants to dance with me?

I swear, he ate a cat.

- No way. - No, he did.

That's gross!

I hope you're happy.

You-you've ruined my party.

Whoo! It's almost midnight!

What are you talking about?

Everybody is having a great time.

It's total pandemonium.

Well, so what?

What is wrong with losing control once in a while?

10...

9...

8...

I dare you, just once,

to do something without planning,

something totally spontaneous that...

1... Happy new year!

Happy new year!

Happy new year, Phoebe.

Party!

Are you up?

Pretty amazing night, huh?

Ohh! I can't believe the police had to come to quiet us down.

It was the greatest party I've ever been to,

and it was mine.

I guess I have you to thank.

Uh, look, uh...

Phoebe, I was thinking about our living arrangements,

and, uh, you can stay as long as you want.

I guess... i mean, what I mean to say is, uh...

I am attracted to you.

I love you, too, darling!

Wh-what are you doing here?

Where's Phoebe?

She's gone.

Her agent called this morning.

She got a job in Jamaica.

She, uh...

Well, listen, it's in the note.

Hey, at least you got your place back, huh?

Well, doog, listen.

I would...

I'd love to help you clean up,

but I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a sharp stick.

Happy new year.

Happy new year, vin.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot

And never brought to mind

So why don't we take a moment

on this beautiful new year's day

and enjoy the music.

And we'll be back with more coverage

after these messages.

Passion...

Desire...

There's no place to run.

There's no place to hide,

because I'm relentless.

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