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1x06 - Night Games

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So, what do you think? I'm gonna wear this tomorrow night.

Don't tell me. Um, I'll take a shot.

Yeah. You got a haircut, huh?

Every Halloween, Danny and I dress up

as Raggedy Ann and Andy, and we go trick-or-treating.

All these words necessary? I'm trying to watch a little television.

I'm Keeley Summers. Coming up after the break,

more extreme-sports action right here on Sports X.

Hey, isn't that ... isn't that the girl from high school,

you know, on the beach and everything?

- Yeah. - Keeley Summers. Turn it off.

I guess she's in town covering that, uh,

international stupid roller thing or something.

She was so horrible to me. She stole every guy I ever liked,

and she got female athlete of the year

because I played boys baseball and wasn't eligible.

Look how, uh ... look how she holds herself, you know?

Oh, hold this, old man.

Keeley?

Oh, good. Another one.

Help me, Cannon. She took pictures.

If you're gonna let this kid dress like some measle-infested

rag doll, do yourself a favor, save some time.

Let him just go beat the crap out of himself. Go ahead.

Danny, do not listen to him. We are gonna have a great time

and get hopped up on abba-zabas like we do every year.

See? That's what I mean. Halloween is nothing but child welfare.

A bunch of these gargoyles walking up and down the street

- looking for a handout. - Oh, lighten up, Dad.

It's kids dressing up and getting candy.

Well, when I was a kid, the trick was not getting polio,

and the treat was to get a job when you were 8 years old.

Well, it is a family tradition, and we are going to keep it going.

Look, don't we have to agree on family traditions?

- Go get ready for practice. - Thank you.

Hey, hey, Danny boy.

I'm sorry. I was only teasing about the outfit.

You look great. See you in the hospital.

Yeah, thanks. Be sure to bring some candy,

'cause I'm not getting any dressed like this.

Why do you do that to him?

It is our first Halloween since the move, and I would

like him to feel that some things don't have to change.

You can come with us. You can dress as despair.

Oh, that's clever.

But, you see, I have a tradition.

1997 Halloween, a bunch of kids came into our cemetery

and turned over gravestones. and one of them was your mother's.

And I...

...am not gonna let that happen again. That's my tradition.

I'm back

I'm back

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Whoa. Nice hit, buddy.

It only took you six months to get a piece of it.

Loser!

Don't listen to them. You drilled that.

All right, Vanessa. Your turn at bat.

- Nice hit, Danny. - Thanks.

Hey, are you going trick-or-treating tomorrow night

- with the team? - Um... I don't know.

Well, if you do, maybe I could go with you guys.

Yeah, but aren't you going with David?

No. He thinks costumes are stupid.

Oh. Oh, yeah. Definitely. You can come with us.

Great.

Yes.

Okay. There's a little something you guys are

gonna have to learn to do in between the bases.

- It is called running! - Hey, Cannon.

Uh, you mind if I interrupt your yelling for just a second?

- I am not yelling. - All right, fine.

Hey, uh, you guys, you know what's a great idea?

Yeah, if we all go trick-or-treating tomorrow night!

No!

I'm not going. David and his gang

are gonna push me down and take my candy again.

Last year, they even broke my candelabra.

Liberace without his candelabra is just Elvis.

Well, we have to go out. It's Halloween! I'm talking free candy.

Listen, I'd kill a man for a bucket of candy.

But these guys scare me. They picked me up by my side skin.

I don't want to get bullied anymore.

Look, we are not gonna get bullied tomorrow night.

I can guarantee that. Right, Cannon?

- What did you say? What? - You have a particular set of skills.

You can crack the bully code for us.

Right. That is right. I can do that.

But you guys are gonna have to pay attention to me.

So, here's what we can do.

We can pull a number 19.

Now, for number 19, you got have a kit.

You're gonna need a pipe, venetian blinds, a rope.

You're gonna need super glue.

You're gonna need grease, some pepper, maybe a unicycle,

a bag of cement, and silk stockings and a couple other items.

Whole thing costs you $3,000, $4,000.

- That sounds like a lot. - Right. Not in your budget. I get it.

Here's the deal. Gather up here.

Hey, Terry.

Just thought I'd make sure you're coming to my

Dick-tober awesome Halloween costume jam tomorrow night.

I was thinking about just putting a bow on and coming as

god's gift to women, but then... I couldn't be a cowboy.

And cowboys are friggin' awesome.

Pew! Pew! Pew! Pewng!

That one ricocheted. You hear that?

Oh, don't do that.

- I spend Halloween with my son, Dick. - Oh, come on.

We're having all kinds of relay races, cool prizes. Just ...

Oh, my god. You're gonna have relay races? That's so cool!

- That's mean. - Oh, my god.

That's Keeley Summers. What is she doing here?

You know Keeley? I met her last year at the sidecar.

She's back in town, and she's definitely coming

to my Dick-tober awesome Halloween costume jam.

Hey, slingbaugh. See you tomorrow night at the party?

Yes, you will, Keeley.

- Gannon? - Mm?

Terry? Oh, my ... is that you?

Oh, you never grew!

Oh, and you're standing up and wearing clothes.

I haven't seen you since high school.

I was class president, and Terry was the, uh ...

- god, what did you do, again? - Vending-machine liaison.

That's right. That's right.

Well, Terry and I were always competing, and I always won.

- God, we had so much fun. - Yeah, high school.

So long ago. So irrelevant now.

Well, you know what they say. Life is just high school all grown up.

No. No one says that.

Well, I just said it, so people do say it.

They do.

So, do you still live here?

Oh, Terry ... uh, Terry had to quit college when she got knocked up.

- And then, she, uh, married a loser and got divorced... - Oh.

...and had to move back down here to live with her dad.

She also coaches, and, uh, she works for me ... at the pizzeria.

Terry Gannon, making poor life decisions since 1997.

- Wow. - Well, Terry, I would love to catch up,

but I have a Sports X interview at the other field here.

But, hey, maybe I'll see you at Dick's Halloween party.

At my Dick-tober awesome Halloween costume jam.

You know what? Or just follow me on Instagram,

and I'll take pics of everything that you missed.

- Okay. Bye. - Oh-ho-ho!

- She is something, huh? - Yeah. She's something.

Look, Terry, I can understand now why you're not coming

tomorrow night. I wouldn't want to compete with that, either.

I mean... she's perfect.

Shut up, Dick. I'll be there.

All right. Cool.

Oh. Hey, Mom. You know, I know we have a tradition,

and I'm a little nervous to ask you this,

but, you know, do you think, this Halloween,

maybe I could go trick-or-treating with my own ...

Friends? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Absolutely! Yeah, and I'll go out with mine.

- Good idea. - Thank you.

Great new tradition. Good thinking, buddy.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Mom, someone's here to milk our cows that we don't have.

Michael, it's me ... coach Terry. I'm Raggedy Ann.

Oh. Well, you're certainly half of that.

Mom, I'm leaving. Have fun tonight.

Don't worry, Terry. My Mom can work magic.

- Goodbye, Mom. - Bye, darling ... oh, good lord.

You look like a 7-year-old doing the walk of shame.

It's Halloween, darling. Where are your breasts?

Help. I need a grown-up costume.

Oh, I am going to take Keeley Summers down tonight.

She completely rode my coattails in high school

and took everything that was coming to me.

Hm. Seems like you're over it.

I am way too amped up for your dry British wit.

I want to win ... once.

I want to show up to this party looking so smoking hot

that Keeley Summers doesn't know whether to cry or kiss me,

and she's so confused that she just melts into

a puddle of her own misery.

Ooh. I love dark Terry.

Now let's get you out of that dreadful hamburger-girl costume

and into something a little more delicious.

- Ooh. Are you allergic to latex? - Yes.

No problem. I have other closets.

What the hell is this? Caroline?

This bum James is trying to show you up.

"Friend and nurse" and the picture.

He had to do this last week. I'm telling you, when he shows up, man,

I'm gonna cut him a new one. You hear me?

I'm here. You got a problem with my Clara's stone?

Yeah, you bet your ass I do.

You think your dead wife is better than my dead wife?

What is that, a frigging r?sum?? "Nurse."

- Hi. - Wow. You look great.

Thanks.

But why aren't you dressed like one of the Angles?

It's Halloween?

You look like the chick from "the Hungry Games."

And, Dong, what are you wearing?

Hey, we all agreed to come in our uniforms, right?

And there you have it.

Well, guys, what do you say we do some trick-or-treating?

Yeah!

[Wizardz of Oz's "Welcome to the night" plays]

Whoa-ho! Keeley!

You look amazing.

Shut up. You're so sweet.

But seriously.

- Wow. - Wow.

Whoa. Terry. You, uh ...

Wow. I mean, look at her. That's "wow," right?

- That ... that is ... - You look really pretty, Terry.

I mean, so much better than yesterday, right?

Mm, thanks. You just look the same.

And, Dick, in your "Alone Ranger" costume. How perfect.

You know what, Terry? I give, and I give, and you just ... oh!

Slutty nurse! I gotta go.

Did you see the look on Keeley's face?

- She was rattled. - Mm.

- It was awesome. - Yes, very good.

Uh, and, darling, just so you know,

your boob tape is only gonna hold till midnight.

After that, your little pumpkins are coming out.

Oh, operation "me looking hot" accomplished.

Let's get out of this Dick-tober cheese fest.

Oh!

Oops.

Oh, I hope that doesn't ruin your costume.

Well, that looks terrible.

You know what, Keeley? I was gonna be cool.

Well, that would be a first.

But not anymore. I am going to take you down.

Oh, like you did in high school?

Oh, wait. That didn't happen.

- Oh, I will strangle ... - Whoa, whoa! Hang on, girls!

Hey, hey! Don't ... let's not waste this here.

You guys could go head-to-head in one of my competitions.

- Or you could just wrestle. - I'm in.

I'm gonna tell you what I don't like, okay?

I put four things on Caroline's stone

just to set her apart 'cause she's a special lady.

Now, here you come and try to rip of my idea.

And not only that, then you try to one-up me.

Now, that's a dirtbag thing to do, James.

Are you saying my Clara's not special?

What I'm saying is I'm gonna run up to my car

and get a chisel or a sander and end the conversation. How's that?

Tell you what ... you keep running your mouth, and I'll add

more letters to the stone like, uh, "great cook," "nice ass."

Whoa, whoa. Right there ... stop. Talking ass ...

nobody ... nobody had a better ass than this girl right here. Nobody.

Well, my Clara took first place in a Jamaican dance contest.

Have you ever seen how they dance down there?

You know, dance like ... well, you know.

Yeah, I know.

Best.

Mmm. This cookie crunch is muy bueno.

I'm gonna see how much I can eat before my kidneys fail.

Yeah, well, my Mom doesn't usually allow me to eat sugar.

- Why? Is that a religious thing? - No, my Mom just sucks.

Look at all this candy.

Remind me to call my trainer when I get home.

- You having fun? - Yeah. I'm glad I came.

Cool kid alert! Cool kid alert!

Okay, guys. Remember the plan.

Stay calm, guys. We got this.

See, now, I thought you guys

would have learned your lesson last year.

So, just hand over the candy,

and maybe we'll let you keep a little bit of your dignity.

Come on, David. Don't be a jerk.

These are my teammates now. Don't do this.

I don't get why you're always sticking up for these geeks.

Careful, babe, or I'm gonna have to cut you loose.

Hey, look, we are not geeks.

I am.

You are not stealing our candy.

Right, 'cause... who's gonna stop us?

Certainly not... Superman!

Eh, I gave it a shot.

I'm gonna stop you.

Son of a...

- Get him! - Come on, guys. Let's go.

Okay, everybody. The games are about to begin.

This year, there's no teams.

It's just Terry versus Keeley...

...for a prize of 5,000 bucks.

And by 5,000 bucks, I mean 5,000 Dick dollars.

Hey, let's get this thing started!

Looks like Terry's definitely in the lead.

Her doughnut's almost gone. Ooh, Keeley's close.

Ohh, guys, closer. Closer.

Eyes on me! Ohh!

Yes. Oh! Terry is the winner!

Terry is the winner of the doughnut-eating contest!

I'm sorry. You couldn't eat the doughnut fast enough.

Well done, Terry.

Well, it looks like the mummy-wrap contest

might be won by Keeley.

Is that a face? Yes!

She wins the mummy-wrap contest!

- Keeley wins! - Damn it,Stan!

Why'd you have to wear that stupid headdress?

Here I come, Danny!

You couldn't leave well enough alone, could you?

Now!

Pull!

Hey!

- Get him! - Come on, guys.

- Pull! - I'm losing grip!

No!

Get him, guys!

Come on, guys! Pull!

Pull!

- Yes! - Whoo!

All right, guys, come on! We did it!

- Whoo-hoo! - We did it! Come on!

I'll tell you what. You're kind of right, there.

That is quite an ass.

So is your Caroline. How'd you get her to pose like that?

Oh, yeah. She did that, you know?

Sent it to me while I was in the service.

Who took it?

Um, never thought of that. Here. Give it to me.

- I didn't mean, uh ... - No, no, no, no.

Just take it easy. Relax.

Listen, all these years, you know, I've been wondering.

I never asked you how, uh ... how Clara passed.

Car accident.

She was coming home from work. It had been raining.

- How about your Caroline? - Oh, cancer.

- I'm sorry. - Me, too.

Cannon, so you know, I did add those words to one-up you

because before tonight, I didn't like you.

Do me a favor and just relax, James.

Just don't get swishy on me, all right?

- Here. Want a beer? - Sure.

- Ribs? - Uh, dry-rubbed or sauced?

- Sauced. - Well, then, I'm in.

- And here's to girls with great asses. - Yeah.

Now, here's the deal. You don't bully us anymore.

You don't tease us anymore.

That goes for you, your friends, and the whole Pirates team.

If not, we have about a thousand eggs up here,

and we all need pitching practice.

So, you gonna take the deal?

I have an idea. How about you let us out,

and I won't scramble your face?!

The bank called.

No deal! Fire!

Hey, David. I'm tired of the way you treat people.

I'm cutting you loose.

All right, let's do this, folks.

The final event is spike the apple.

Okay, so, the person closest to the bull's-eye

with the apple wins.

So, let's introduce our first thrower.

She's tall, and she's hot ...

It's Keeley!

Ohh!

That is not bad. Blue is not bad.

Coming up next, she's a little shorter,

but she's still hot ... it's Terry.

- Mom. - Danny?

W-what are you doing here? Are you okay?

You will not believe the night I just had.

Hey. Are you gonna throw or what?

Shut up. I'm talking to my son.

Okay, so, these older kids, they tried to steal our candy,

but the Cannon helped me, and we totally egged them.

And then Vanessa dumped David,

and she kissed me on the cheek!

Also, I found this house that has a bunch of abba-zabas, and I

wanted to know if you still wanted to go trick-or-treating with me.

We have to go now, or else they're gonna run out.

Oh, buddy.

- Of course I'll go with you. - Wait. So, you forfeit?

I win. I win again.

I'm sorry. Did you see what just happened here?

Say what you want about my life choices. You don't have this.

I win.

Whatever you got to tell yourself.

Ohh! Unbelievable!

Just so we're clear.

[Saint-Saens' "Danse macabre" plays]

You hear that?

Teenagers.

- Yeah. - Ohh. It's butt-kicking time.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Give me some of that barbecue sauce.

You guys suck! You had them!

- I need to take this off. - This stinks.

Zombies! Aah! Run!

Hey.

Let's not wait a year before we hang out again, huh?

- You got a deal. - All right.

Let's have a beer.

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