Original subtitles

# You must remember this

#A kiss is still a kiss

#A sigh is just a sigh

# The fundamental things apply

#As time goes by #

(PHONE RINGING)

JEAN: Telephone!

Telephone!

- I'm answering it - Oh, get out of my way

Hello? Who?

Oh, yes, how are you?

What?

Well, you better tell Alistair

Oh Oh, no, of course you can't Right

Well

No Yeah Well, c'est la vie, all right Yes

Well, goodbye

And good luck

- Who's that? - The best man He's broken his leg

- That's bad luck - Bad luck? The man's a fool

That's a bit harsh Who is the best man, anyway?

Was, was, was Gaston somebody or other

- He's a ski instructor - Can't be very good if he's broken his leg

No, that's why I said he was a fool

Well, why phone here? Why not phone Alistair?

Because he's on his way to hospital, and contrary to all the laws of nature,

Alistair's mobile is switched off

- Oh, that's right He's gone to see his man again - What man?

- His Harley Street man - What about? His toe?

Yeah, I suppose so

Well, he went before He said there was no problem

Why does he have to see him again?

Well, I don't know I'm not an expert on toes, am I?

Well, you'll have to do it

- Do what? - Be best man

I'm giving the bride away I can't walk down the aisle with Judy

and then nip round and give Alistair the ring, can I?

Well, perhaps nobody would notice

They would notice, wouldn't they?

- Who are you phoning? - Well, I'm trying Alistair again

Judy!

Yes, I'm coming

You know, for a small woman, your mother's got a very loud voice

I wonder what she's panicking about now

She was right You are calm

Yeah, well, one of the happy couple has to be

One?

Yeah I mean, Alistair's been very odd lately

- Odder than usual? - Yes

Oh, I don't know He just seems to get very emotional very quickly

- JEAN: Judy! - That's happiness

No, not really He keeps looking as if he wants to cry

- Oh? - JEAN: Judy!

Oh, yes!

You've got a loud voice, too Go on, then

- Rocky? - JEAN: Yes

Rocky as best man?

Well, why not?

Because he's at least halfway round the bend, that's why not

- He's your father - Oh, I know who he is, all right

- He's sweet - Sweet?

Yes, he is And Alistair thinks so, too He thinks of him as a sort of soul mate

Yes On a purely practical level, this is the eleventh hour,

and we know he'd do it

- Well, yes, but - Yes, so Rocky it is, then

I'll ring him and tell him he's gonna be best man

Er, Mum

Well, ask, I meant ask

No, I meant, don't you think it really ought to come from Alistair?

- Well, where is Alistair? - You said he was coming straight round

Well, straight can mean anything, can't it?

Rocky? Rocky?

Of course It's a brilliant idea

It's a shame about your friend Gaston

Well, yes, but it might prove to be a blessing in disguise

I mean, he's a nice guy, Gaston, but

He's very Gallic Tends to be a bit over-excitable at times

Oh, really

Right Well, I'd better let Mum know

Mum

Hello

Well, I was just coming to tell you that Alistair thinks Rocky's a good idea, but

Well, I was just passing the door I Just passing the door!

- Hello, Alistair - Hey, hey, lovely lady

- How's your toe? - Toe?

Yes, you went to see your man about the toe

- Oh, yes, right - How is it?

Oh, it's fine 100% functional again

So why did you have to see him again?

Well, I Just to, er

Er, rubber-stamp the thing, really

I thought I'd just pop over the road for a swift half

- I'm your man, Li - Yes, just before you go, Lionel,

I've just been talking to Alistair about his toe

- Have you? - You seemed to know about it from the start

Which foot was it?

Which foot?

The left

Which toe?

Third?

Just sit down here, please

- Well? - Well?

All right, the toe thing was made up

A harmless deception

Well, we'd worked that out for ourselves Why?

- To cover up for the crying - What crying?

Mine

I told Sandy you kept looking as if you wanted to cry

And you did the other night I thought it was a one-off

Well, that's just the trouble It wasn't

I cried a lot I got over-emotional about the wedding About lots of things

Old films Bits of music Puppies

Oh, Alistair

But I'm okay now I'm over it

I did a trial run with a puppy just a few minutes ago, and nothing

It was only a side effect in the first place

Side effect from what?

The stuff I was taking to cure the panic attacks

- Oh, this gets worse - What panic attacks?

Well, when I kept When I kept

- I can't bring myself to say the word, Li - Swooning He kept swooning

So I took the stuff to stop the swooning But that made me start crying

But it's okay now because he's given me some stuff to stop the crying, you see?

Alistair

Are there any possible side effects to what you're on now?

"Remote", he said "Remote"

And the parrot said, "No, I didn't see a thing

"I got so excited, I fell off me perch"

I've got "pause for laughter" written after that

I shouldn't pause too long

It's a very good joke, that

May I remind you that this is a wedding?

Not a stag night in some vulgar club

The best man's speech should not be a succession of unfunny jokes

It should contain a few affectionately humorous remarks about the groom,

and conclude with a toast to the bridesmaids,

or in this case, bridesmaid

Young Sandy I've been very fulsome about her

Well, I don't think that phrases like

"a right little cracker" and "a great pair of pins" are suitable

Then I suppose you disapprove of the old uniform, as well?

No, I must admit, you look quite dashing

Coming from you, Mrs Bale, that borders on the effusive

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in!

Bad news, Mr Hardcastle I'm afraid the whole thing is off

Good God The wedding?

No, no, no, no, no Us wearing our uniforms

I seem to have expanded out of mine

Yes, you have, rather

I did ask Mother if she could help, but she didn't have any genuine khaki

I mean, she did suggest a bit of velvet round the back, brown,

but I didn't think that would look right

- No, probably not - No, no

I'll wear my Sunday suit, then, shall I?

I'm sure you'll look very smart

But please, not that awful tie with the woman on it

- I gave him that - Exactly

Me and my brothers will be bringing round the flowers

first thing in the morning

That's a bit last gasp, isn't it?

No, it is not, because we want them to be fresh

And what about the grub steaks?

The "grub steaks", as you call them, are totally organised

And the church looks lovely

And Mother's finished knitting the gloves for the bride

Well, we're in good order, then And you take it from me,

it's going to be a perfect day tomorrow

What's the shipping forecast, Mrs Bale?

Choppy in the Channel, but nothing that should affect us

Right, there you are Here's to a perfect day!

Shouldn't we be raising a glass?

Quite right

Whip us up three of your Spitting Cobras, would you, Mrs Bale?

Combat fatigue?

I said I'd stack the dishwasher, but I'm buying time, actually

- A glass of wine? - Oh, yes, please

Oh, why is everyone in here?

Erm, I'm helping Lionel to stack the dishwasher

- Talk about leaving it to the last minute - The wedding's tomorrow

No, Penny and Stephen

Penny phoned to say they will be coming

No invitation to tea with HMQ, then?

- Apparently not - It's weird, isn't it?

Stephen gets an OBE for services to dentistry, and we haven't seen them since

I thought she'd have been up here showing off

Well, I suppose we're the hoi polloi, now

Anyway, I expect she's got to do the whole of Hampshire first

Anyway, they're coming

Oh, now, talking of the wedding

(GROANING)

No, no, no, talking of the wedding

I think we should leave here at six in the morning That'll get us there by 8:00

The ceremony's not till 3:00

Judy and Sandy have to change

Yes We shall need seven hours

- Seven? - Sorry

Six will be fine, won't it, Lionel?

Absolutely essential by the sound of things

What is that?

Oh, well, I was going to do a seating plan, but as it's a buffet,

I thought I'd do a standing plan

You can't tell people where to stand

No, I know

- Have a glass of wine - Well, just one

What are those two interlocking red hearts?

That's you and Harry

Oh, all right I know, I know Mrs Make-Everything-Right

But it will be

Look, you've worked your socks off, and tomorrow everything will be fine

I wish I shared your confidence

Look, you've checked everything more thoroughly than the CIA could ever aspire to

- What can go wrong? - Alistair

Assuming he doesn't faint or burst into tears,

what else might he do?

Morning, morning

- Hi, Lol - Good morning, Lol

I thought Rocky promised no fireworks

Yes, he did

But Mrs Bale allowed him just one rocket to herald our arrival

We're on the early side, I'm afraid

Oh, not a bit of it We've all been up for hours

Mrs Bale's doing a huge fry-up for you all

Excellent, just the job

There's rather a lot, Lol You'll need a hand

Don't you worry about that My brothers will do all that

We've got the whole village mobilised

Oh, incidentally, Miss My brothers all send their very warm regards

Oh, how sweet of them

Give them my love

Best make that best wishes

We don't want them getting their hopes up, do we?

I suppose not

Good Lord

Good morning!

Looks like something out of King's Rhapsody.

Rocky! You look marvellous

- Oh, Miss - Yes, love?

From Mother

She said I had to give them to you personal

Oh, thank you Erm, thanks

Her little tradition, you see

Oh, how lovely Thank you

- Look, Sandy, aren't they? They're lovely - Yes, they're perfect

You don't have to wear them at the ceremony, of course

Perhaps on the honeymoon

Yes

It'll match your going-away dress

Yes

- Oh, good afternoon - Good afternoon

I'm 82

- Are you really? - I'll be 83 in September

How nice

- Alistair's here - Oh, how is he?

Oh, I don't know I just saw the car

- Who's that? - I haven't the faintest idea

The bridegroom has arrived But don't worry, I've secured the bride in her room

- "Secured"? - Asked her not to come out

Oh, right Oh, Mrs Bale, the room looks lovely

- We've done our best - Mrs Bale,

who is that?

Mrs Twillet She's the flower watcher

- The what? - The flower watcher

It's an old custom here The Twillets have always done it

- Why should she watch the flowers? - Nobody really remembers

But we don't want to break with tradition, do we?

Mrs Bale, have I ever told you

you bear an uncanny resemblance to Claudia Schiffer?

No And don't start now

Mom and Pop-in-law,

what a wonderful day for a wedding!

Oh, Alistair, how are you? How are you feeling?

Think of Lake Placid, and you've got me

Who is that?

- She's an old village custom, apparently - Really?

Good afternoon

I have a brother who's 96

Have you really?

He'll be 97 in November

Excellent

Way to go

Shall we, erm

Well, almost time for the off

Rocky's just polishing his medals

- You look very svelte, Li - "Svelte"?

And as for you, lovely lady, what can I say?

Just assure me that you really are all right

I am I am

No sign of the dizziness at all, and as for the other stuff,

I checked on the way down by looking at some lambs in a field

And it was fine

Well, thank goodness

Erm, I don't want to seem cred-obsessed, but you haven't told anyone else, have you?

No, we haven't We don't want the entire congregation on tenterhooks

I wonder how long she stays

She looks set in for the summer to me

Not a petal has dropped, Mrs Twillet?

♪ Nor shall they

♪ They are safe ♪

- You would be the bridegroom - I certainly would

So, then

That's that done Goodbye

LIONEL: Goodbye MRS BALE: Goodbye

ALISTAIR: Goodbye

- What was all that about, Mrs Bale? - Nobody knows

The Witchfinder General would have had a whale of a time down here

Mrs Hardcastle, you should be leaving for the church in three and a half minutes

Yes, Mrs Bale

You're very quiet

Yes, I may have panicked during the last few days, but I feel very calm now

Ex-chillente Everyone's calm

One is calm

Well

Oh, my God

I can't move my legs

- Oh, perfect - Come on, Alistair, you're fine

No, I'm not I can't move I'm paralysed

It must be a side effect of the stuff I was taking for the crying

Or maybe it's a double side effect

combined with the stuff I was taking for the fainting!

- What am I gonna do? - Oh, shut up, do!

Side effects and side effects from side effects? I'm sick of hearing about them

It's nothing but a blue funk

And if you think I'm going to let you spoil Judy's day, you've got another think coming

Now get up and get to that church and marry my daughter!

I'm up! I'm up!

- Now, take it slowly - Rubbish Just walk

Li, this is some lady you've got here

Yes, I know

Tough love, eh?

- Where did you learn that? - Long before there was a fancy name for it

- Come on young fellow-me-lad - On my way, Rocky

On my way

I am Really, I am

- I can't move my legs now - I'll see you in church

I'll see you in church Oh, and incidentally, will you marry me?

Oh Oh, all right

Which reminds me of a rather funny story about a parrot with no feet

Oh, my word

I'm ready

- We are starting on the left foot, aren't we? - On the left

Your father would have been very proud of you, you know

Thanks, Lionel

So am I, as a matter of fact

(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)

- Where's Stephen? - Who?

Oh, Stephen He's back there somewhere

- Why isn't he with you? - Because I'm not speaking to him

Oh, Penny, why?

Because he's simply

(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Will the congregation please be seated

We've come together to witness the marriage of Alistair and Judith,

to pray for God's blessing on them, to share their joy,

and to celebrate

Marriage is a gift of God in creation

through which husband and wife may know the grace of God

It is given that as man and woman grow together in love

Alistair, will you take Judith to be your wife?

Will you love her, comfort her, honour and protect her,

and, forsaking all others,

be faithful to her as long as you both shall live?

I will

Judith, will you take Alistair to be your husband?

Will you love him, comfort him, honour and protect him,

and, forsaking all others,

be faithful to him as long as you both shall live?

I will

Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?

I do

Alistair and Ju

Alistair and Judith, I now invite you to joins hands and make your vows in the presence of God

death us do part, according to God's holy law

Mothballs

Judith, I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage

Judith, I give you this ring as a sign of our marriage

- With my body I honour you - With my body I honour you

- All that I am I give to you - All that I am I give to you

- All that I have I share with you - All that I have I share with you

Within the love of God

Alistair and Judith have given their consent and made their marriage vows to each other

I therefore proclaim that they are husband and wife

Those whom God has joined together let no one put asunder

ALL: Cheese!

PHOTOGRAPHER: One more, please

Cheese!

- Look, it's Harry - Yes, so it is

- Hello, Harry - Hello, Sandy

- Have a drink - No, really I'm fine

No, no, really Nonsense, it's a wedding

Jan, come and meet some people I'd like you to meet

- You look lovely - Thank you

So, when are you leaving?

Oh, I don't have to go I've got the whole weekend off

No, I meant Canada

Oh, right, Canada

Wednesday

- That soon? - Yeah

- You do look lovely - Oh, it's the dress

No, it's not

Ah, now you're the young fellow I've been looking for

You're the Mountie, aren't you?

No, sir I'm going on attachment to the Mounties

I knew it was something like that

- Sandy, can you spare a minute? - Yes, of course

Excuse us

You know, a little birdie tells me that you used to be very sweet on young Sandy

- Well, wouldn't you be? - Oh, I would

Why aren't you taking her with you, then?

Well, I don't know

Well, I do I haven't asked her

You don't look like a simpleton

- The thing is - Yeah?

The thing is, I'm only a copper It's not a lot to offer

- And Canada - It's a fine country

Yes, but it's another continent

Look, what you need, my boy, is a spot of Dutch courage

- Go on, drink up - I'm not really used to champagne

Oh, harmless! Good heavens, I could down a bottle of that stuff when I was eight years old

- There Cheers - What the hell Cheers

Cheers

What's Judy doing? She's taken Sandy off

It has to be said, I think you picked the wrong place to arrange a tryst

- Well, it's all these people - Well, that's what I meant

Hello

- Oh, hello, Stephen - Stop following me about

I came from a different direction

What is wrong with you two?

- Ask him - Stephen?

- Well - PENNY: I may as well tell you

- You know Stephen's OBE? - Yes

- He didn't get it - What do you mean, he didn't get it?

He turned it down

- Stephen, why? - Well, I didn't mean to

It's forms, you see I've never been very good with forms

There's this form from Downing Street, as we call it

You have the option of accepting or declining the honour

Boxes to tick

I must have ticked the wrong box, 'cause we never heard back

Look, it's not funny It's a public humiliation

It can't be public if nobody knows about it

A humiliation, then

I had the same problem with my last passport application

Kept ticking the wrong boxes

Thing went back and forth about ten times before I got it right

And the visa application when we went to America

- What, same thing? - Yes

He ticked the box that time declaring he was mentally unstable

Not far from the truth, is it?

Oh, do stop following me about

- Look, have you seen Sandy? - I've been talking to you

Oh, well, go and prise Harry from Rocky and find her

- Ooh, I know what I wanted to ask you - What is it, Stephen?

Have you ever played with a Game Boy?

No, I said you don't see many firkins around these days

Oh, well, they usually have them in fish and chip shops

- Fish and chip shops? - In jars

You're not talking about firkins, you're talking about gherkins

- Harry? - Well done with the speech, my boy

I'm glad you got in that joke about the parrot

- Didn't go awfully well, did it? - Well, I laughed

Thanks Would you mind if I borrow Harry for a bit?

No, no Of course not I wanted to have a word with young Sandy

Ah, there she is

- Why do you want to borrow me? - Well, because, um

- Because - I'm not worthy of her, you know

Look, just stay here for a minute

Erm, have another glass of champagne

It's just a question of pressing the right buttons at the right time, really

Look, sorry to interrupt, Stephen

- Look, Sandy's back - Oh, where?

She's over there, but Rocky's collared her now

Oh, if only we'd had a seating plan, this wouldn't have happened

Look, excuse me, Stephen Come on

No, decisive action, you see

Now, if I was Harry, and I was going to Canada

Rocky, I don't want to seem rude,

but I'm getting a little bit fed up with sentences that begin with "if I were Harry"

Point taken I'm sorry, my dear

Sandy, you should be talking to Harry

- Should I, really? - Yes

- Lionel - Resistance is futile

Harry? Harry, look

It's Sandy!

Hello again, Harry

You look lovely

- You said that - Yes, but you do

Sandy, I've been

(GONG SOUNDING)

Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom are leaving

Just hold the thought, Harry

Bye, Lionel

Good luck, Judy

Bye, Mum Thanks for everything

- You'll be in touch - Yes

- Pop-in-law - Lionel

Oh, all right, just this once Lionel

- Look after her, Alistair - You bet And hey,

thanks again for seeing to my legs

- Is this something I should know about? - Never Off you go

- Bye - Bye

The bouquet! The bouquet!

Oh, right!

(WHISPERING) To the right, to the right

Oh, dear I wasn't supposed to do that, was I?

Sorry, Mum

- Bye! Bye! - Bye!

They've gone

- You always wanted them to - I know

Come on

How many people do you know who've turned down OBEs?

Well, none

Well, there you are, then It marks out Stephen as an individual

Yeah A sort of maverick

Yes, if you like

With a sort of dangerous edge

You sure it doesn't make him look a complete fool?

Of course not, 'cause he never reveals the real reason

If anyone asks him, he just looks enigmatic and says, "I'd rather not discuss it"

Put like that, it sounds positively intriguing

- Yes, yes it does - Well, there you are, then

(RAGTIME JAZZ BAND PLAYING)

Stephen, what are you doing?

Looking enigmatic

That's not enigmatic

You just look vacant

- Do we have to stay till the end? - Yes, of course we have to stay till the end

- I can't see Harry and Sandy anywhere - Oh, don't let's start all that again

No, but it's such a perfect moment for Harry to say something

I don't think he's got the nerve Still, 50% success rate

I best be off now It's nearly time for Mother's Bovril

Thanks for coming, Lol

No, thank you for asking me A really grand do

It'll go down in village history, this will

- Have you got the wedding cake for your mother? - Oh, rather

She put her best teeth in to eat that

Goodbye

The choppy Channel came to nothing, and I've made you up a bedroom

Why?

Because you shouldn't drive home in your condition

I'm not in a condition

It would be very nice Thank you, Mrs Bale

Come on, Mrs Bale, I fancy a tango

They're not playing a tango

Oh, stop nitpicking

What about you? Do you fancy a shuffle round?

Only if we smooch

That's taken as read

Oh, look! Oh, look!

What am I supposed to be looking at?

Harry and Sandy

Together at last

Where there's life, there's hope

He passed out

# You must remember this

#A kiss is still a kiss

#A sigh is just a sigh

# The fundamental things apply

#As time goes by

#And when two lovers woo

# They still say, "I love you"

# On that you can rely

# The world will always welcome lovers

#As time goes by #

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