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1
00:00:08,900 --> 00:00:11,812
# You must remember this
2
00:00:11,860 --> 00:00:14,215
# A kiss is still a kiss
3
00:00:14,260 --> 00:00:17,252
# A sigh is just a sigh
4
00:00:19,940 --> 00:00:23,410
# The fundamental things apply
5
00:00:23,460 --> 00:00:27,453
# As time goes by #
6
00:01:05,060 --> 00:01:07,096
I think I'm getting a bunion.
7
00:01:07,140 --> 00:01:10,337
That's not a very auspicious start to the day.
8
00:01:10,380 --> 00:01:14,578
I've never had a bunion before.
I've had corns, I've never had a bunion.
9
00:01:14,620 --> 00:01:18,169
- I can recommend a very good chiropodist.
- Can you?
10
00:01:18,220 --> 00:01:20,495
- You mean, you have...
- This coffee's delicious.
11
00:01:20,540 --> 00:01:25,330
One of my many talents. There's something
rather demeaning about the word.
12
00:01:25,380 --> 00:01:27,371
- Coffee?
- Bunion.
13
00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:30,810
- I don't know. I've never thought of it.
- I hadn't before today.
14
00:01:30,860 --> 00:01:33,693
Turn your mind to other things.
Like the book signing.
15
00:01:33,740 --> 00:01:35,890
Hm. I've warned Alistair.
16
00:01:35,940 --> 00:01:39,649
- I won't write a lot of flowery inscriptions.
- You won't be rude?
17
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:42,533
I shan't write dirty limericks,
if that's what you mean.
18
00:01:42,580 --> 00:01:46,368
- That's not what I meant and you know it.
- I'll be sweetness and light.
19
00:01:46,420 --> 00:01:50,208
There's no need to go overboard.
Are you nervous?
20
00:01:50,260 --> 00:01:55,937
Not really. No, I'm into calmer waters now.
Either it sells or it doesn't and that's it.
21
00:01:55,980 --> 00:01:59,973
- You sound resigned.
- Hmph, substitute "sanguine".
22
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:03,012
- It's like having a second.
- What is?
23
00:02:03,060 --> 00:02:06,769
You. Someone in my corner, so to speak.
24
00:02:06,820 --> 00:02:11,052
You won't expect me to flap a towel
in your face, will you?
25
00:02:11,100 --> 00:02:14,570
- I'm glad you're here.
- I had to be. It's your big day.
26
00:02:14,620 --> 00:02:17,453
- I do look a twerp in this.
- No, it's growing on me.
27
00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:20,458
- Like fungus?
- No, not like fu... Are you nervous?
28
00:02:20,500 --> 00:02:23,333
- You asked me that.
- Oh, sorry. It's cos I'm nervous.
29
00:02:23,380 --> 00:02:25,940
Have you eaten?
You did have a good breakfast?
30
00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:28,369
- Yes, I had a doughnut.
- Good.
31
00:02:28,420 --> 00:02:32,698
- Are you going to order a cab?
- No, Alistair's going to pick me up here.
32
00:02:32,740 --> 00:02:36,619
I'll lay odds it'll be a Land Rover
painted in zebra stripes!
33
00:02:36,660 --> 00:02:40,778
- You said you had a doughnut for breakfast?
- Erm... yes.
34
00:02:40,820 --> 00:02:42,856
- Why?
- I don't know, really.
35
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:47,496
- It was there so I thought I'd eat it.
- You do some peculiar things.
36
00:02:48,340 --> 00:02:52,128
Perhaps I'm becoming an eccentric.
Goes with the suit, I suppose.
37
00:02:52,180 --> 00:02:55,013
- I'm glad you're here.
- You've already said that.
38
00:02:55,060 --> 00:02:58,939
Oh. Well, either I'm starting to repeat myself
or I am nervous.
39
00:02:58,980 --> 00:03:01,619
- You're not, are you?
- Well, a bit.
40
00:03:01,660 --> 00:03:05,050
It's me, I'm contagious.
You wouldn't be nervous if I'd gone to work.
41
00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:07,568
- You're getting in a state.
- I already am in a state!
42
00:03:07,620 --> 00:03:09,338
- (Doorbell)
- Oh.
43
00:03:09,380 --> 00:03:12,690
- (Doorbell continues)
- That sounds like Alistair. I'll get it.
44
00:03:12,740 --> 00:03:15,129
Before you let him in -
45
00:03:15,180 --> 00:03:19,014
- I'll be thinking of you.
- That's good.
46
00:03:19,060 --> 00:03:21,654
Cos I'll probably be thinking of you.
47
00:03:24,420 --> 00:03:26,411
- Oh, Alistair.
- Aye, aye, fit?
48
00:03:26,460 --> 00:03:29,532
Erm... yeah, come in, I won't be a second.
49
00:03:30,580 --> 00:03:35,449
Oh, er... you wouldn't wear this, would you?
50
00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:37,616
- No.
- I thought not.
51
00:03:37,660 --> 00:03:40,128
- Good morning, lovely lady.
- Hello. Don't worry,
52
00:03:40,180 --> 00:03:44,651
I won't be sitting in the bookshop with him.
I just stayed at home to wish him luck.
53
00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:46,497
- TLC. Mega.
- TLC?
54
00:03:46,540 --> 00:03:49,577
- Tender loving care. So how are you both?
- Of course.
55
00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:52,453
Well... a bit nervous, to be honest.
56
00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,491
No, I'm sanguine.
57
00:03:54,540 --> 00:03:58,294
Good mix. OK, let's hit the bookshelves
and make some bucks.
58
00:03:58,340 --> 00:04:01,138
- Yes, let's.
- Can I give you a lift to the office, Jean?
59
00:04:01,180 --> 00:04:05,776
No, thanks, Alistair, I'll order a cab.
I don't like Land Rovers with zebra stripes.
60
00:04:07,860 --> 00:04:10,169
How did she know about that?
61
00:04:10,220 --> 00:04:12,893
She's very psychic.
62
00:04:28,340 --> 00:04:30,649
Good buzz, good buzz!
63
00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:35,171
- How much did you pay them?
- They're just to get the ball rolling.
64
00:04:36,820 --> 00:04:38,856
You're on a double-yellow line.
65
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:42,609
When they start making triples, I'll worry.
66
00:04:48,140 --> 00:04:51,610
- Won't you just wear the hat into the shop?
- No.
67
00:05:20,980 --> 00:05:23,016
The hot seat.
68
00:05:24,380 --> 00:05:27,770
- Will you leave me alone?
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
69
00:05:27,820 --> 00:05:31,369
- Are you sure you won't wear the...
- Positive.
70
00:05:31,420 --> 00:05:34,139
Well, one minute to liftoff.
71
00:05:34,180 --> 00:05:37,013
- This stacked queue of yours.
- Yes?
72
00:05:37,060 --> 00:05:41,690
How do I distinguish between them and
those not bribed to ask me to sign the book?
73
00:05:41,740 --> 00:05:45,449
Lemon squeezy, Li. Mine will wink.
74
00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:48,219
- Wink?
- Yeah, you know, wink.
75
00:05:48,260 --> 00:05:53,015
I know what a wink is. I think this whole thing
is teetering on the brink of farce.
76
00:05:53,060 --> 00:05:55,779
- I'm pulling out all the stops for you.
- Be accurate.
77
00:05:55,820 --> 00:05:59,654
You're pulling out all the stops for your father
because he owes my father a favour.
78
00:05:59,700 --> 00:06:04,490
That was true, but, er... the fact is,
and I know you're gonna hate this,
79
00:06:04,540 --> 00:06:06,576
I've got to like you, Lionel.
80
00:06:06,620 --> 00:06:08,417
I want the book to sell for you.
81
00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:11,809
Oh. Thank you.
82
00:06:11,860 --> 00:06:14,658
- But you definitely won't wear the hat?
- No.
83
00:06:15,740 --> 00:06:17,731
(Recording of drums beating)
84
00:06:19,460 --> 00:06:22,258
- What on earth is that?
- Mood music.
85
00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:24,097
The drums of Kenya!
86
00:06:24,140 --> 00:06:26,574
Those are the drums of Nigeria.
87
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,817
Really?
Well, only you would know the difference.
88
00:06:30,820 --> 00:06:33,493
- (Tape squawks to a halt)
- Catch you later.
89
00:06:39,820 --> 00:06:42,539
Ladies and gentlemen... the man!
90
00:06:44,940 --> 00:06:46,931
Good morning.
91
00:06:48,660 --> 00:06:50,651
Oh, yes, good morning.
92
00:06:50,700 --> 00:06:54,534
- (Loudly) I've heard it's a wonderful book!
- Oh, have you really?
93
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,890
(Whispers) No, don't sign, mime.
94
00:06:57,940 --> 00:07:01,410
- Mime? What do you want me to mime?
- Signing.
95
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:05,490
- Why?
- We don't all buy a copy.
96
00:07:05,540 --> 00:07:07,929
I shouldn't have asked.
97
00:07:07,980 --> 00:07:12,576
(Loudly) Thank you so very much.
I'm sure it's going to be a bestseller.
98
00:07:18,340 --> 00:07:20,535
I know, don't sign, mime.
99
00:07:21,700 --> 00:07:23,895
My Life In Kenya.
100
00:07:23,940 --> 00:07:27,137
Yes. Yes, of course it's good.
101
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:28,977
Spicy?
102
00:07:29,020 --> 00:07:31,739
Oh, yes, it's incredibly spicy
103
00:07:31,780 --> 00:07:34,977
in a kind of understated sort of way.
104
00:07:35,020 --> 00:07:38,012
Well, that's the spiciest kind of spicy, I think.
105
00:07:39,100 --> 00:07:41,819
No, I'm not pushing anything.
106
00:07:41,860 --> 00:07:47,332
I'm just recommending that you go out
and buy a copy before it sells out. Yes!
107
00:07:47,380 --> 00:07:50,975
Oh, and, Pauline, um... I think that this year,
108
00:07:51,020 --> 00:07:55,730
I might be able to lay my hands on
a couple of tickets for Wimbledon.
109
00:07:55,780 --> 00:08:00,615
Yes. No, of course they're not connected.
I just thought I'd mention it.
110
00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:04,335
My Life in Kenya.
Yes, and you'll tell your friends, won't you?
111
00:08:04,380 --> 00:08:07,292
Thanks, Pauline. OK, bye. (Sighs)
112
00:08:07,340 --> 00:08:11,128
- Blackmail is a very ugly word.
- I'm running out of sales patter.
113
00:08:11,180 --> 00:08:14,570
- How are you doing?
- I phoned everyone I know in the British Isles.
114
00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:17,214
I'm sure I've promised
to sleep with half of them.
115
00:08:17,260 --> 00:08:20,058
This is bringing out the seamy side
of our nature.
116
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:23,297
- Decidedly.
- Eight copies for sure in Nottingham.
117
00:08:23,340 --> 00:08:25,900
Why are you so big in Nottingham?
118
00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:29,410
- I loved a man in Nottingham once.
- He must've loved you too.
119
00:08:29,460 --> 00:08:34,454
- No, he didn't, but he has a kind heart.
- Oh, Sandy, why aren't you married?
120
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:36,491
- Why aren't you?
- Uh-oh.
121
00:08:36,540 --> 00:08:39,771
- I'm too concerned about the Northeast.
- I don't see what...
122
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:43,608
- We don't know anybody in the Northeast.
- We're doing our best.
123
00:08:43,660 --> 00:08:47,050
- Yes, I know and I'm very grateful.
- Well, I hope Lionel is.
124
00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:51,173
I don't want him to be. I don't want him
to know that we're selling our souls.
125
00:08:51,220 --> 00:08:53,780
- Let alone our bodies.
- Speak for yourself.
126
00:08:53,820 --> 00:08:55,617
I just want him to be a success.
127
00:08:57,100 --> 00:08:59,933
- What if he is?
- Mm, what if he is?
128
00:09:00,820 --> 00:09:03,254
It can be a mixed blessing, success.
129
00:09:11,700 --> 00:09:13,895
You are him, aren't you?
130
00:09:13,940 --> 00:09:15,737
Yes, I am.
131
00:09:16,940 --> 00:09:20,774
- You look smaller in real life.
- Most of us do.
132
00:09:20,820 --> 00:09:22,651
Hm.
133
00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:25,168
Is it a beautiful place, Kenya?
134
00:09:25,220 --> 00:09:27,017
Very beautiful indeed.
135
00:09:27,060 --> 00:09:30,257
I've only ever got as far as Ostend, you see.
136
00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:35,290
- I think I'll take it. Could you sign it?
- Yes, of course.
137
00:09:35,340 --> 00:09:38,935
Erm... could you put "To Doris".
138
00:09:38,980 --> 00:09:42,177
To... Doris.
139
00:09:42,220 --> 00:09:44,370
- There's more.
- Oh.
140
00:09:44,420 --> 00:09:47,378
"On the occasion of her 53rd birthday."
141
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,456
Oh, happy birthday.
142
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:54,369
No, "On the occasion of her 53rd birthday."
143
00:09:55,380 --> 00:09:58,372
Occasion of her 53rd birthday.
144
00:09:58,420 --> 00:10:01,730
Would "with affection" be all right?
145
00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:04,578
It wouldn't be very accurate.
I don't know a Doris.
146
00:10:04,620 --> 00:10:07,418
There's no need to be lofty about it.
147
00:10:07,460 --> 00:10:11,499
- I'm not being lofty at all, I'm stating a fact.
- Well, I'd like it in there.
148
00:10:12,500 --> 00:10:15,890
With... affection.
149
00:10:15,940 --> 00:10:19,330
- Lionel Hardcastle.
- Thank you.
150
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:24,058
Lionel Hardcastle.
151
00:10:24,100 --> 00:10:26,660
- Nice present, that.
- I hope so.
152
00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:28,895
- Who's it for?
- Me.
153
00:10:28,940 --> 00:10:32,216
- You're Doris?
- I'd have thought that was obvious.
154
00:10:32,260 --> 00:10:34,057
Er... not really, no.
155
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:37,058
Well, thank you very much. Where's the till?
156
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:41,571
It's, erm... Look, as it's your birthday,
would you allow me to pay for it?
157
00:10:42,460 --> 00:10:44,337
Certainly not.
158
00:10:44,380 --> 00:10:48,259
I don't accept presents from perfect strangers.
159
00:10:51,060 --> 00:10:53,779
- Could I 'ave your autograph, mister?
- Yes, of course.
160
00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,492
Oh, it's you. Hello.
161
00:10:55,540 --> 00:10:59,692
- How are you doing?
- Seem to be getting down to the lunatic fringe.
162
00:10:59,740 --> 00:11:02,049
- Would you like a cup of tea?
- Where?
163
00:11:02,100 --> 00:11:04,455
Oh, they're looking after me.
164
00:11:08,140 --> 00:11:10,734
Don't be overawed, will you?
165
00:11:11,740 --> 00:11:13,219
Oh.
166
00:11:14,180 --> 00:11:17,377
- You are overawed.
- Very grand.
167
00:11:17,420 --> 00:11:21,618
No, no, I should have this stool.
It's the less wobbly of the two.
168
00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:26,056
- Right. Oh, comparatively.
- Comparatively.
169
00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:29,649
- Well, you've sold a few copies, then?
- Strangely enough, yes.
170
00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:32,294
Yes, it was quite busy earlier on.
171
00:11:32,340 --> 00:11:35,889
- And they weren't all winkers.
- Sorry?
172
00:11:38,140 --> 00:11:40,734
- Is that a technical term?
- Yes, it is now.
173
00:11:40,780 --> 00:11:44,614
Alistair stacked the queue.
They identified themselves by winking at me.
174
00:11:44,660 --> 00:11:47,174
- Did you wink back?
- Certainly not.
175
00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:50,216
Do you mind? This is a board meeting.
176
00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:56,209
Now you can't see out.
What if someone wants you to sign their book?
177
00:11:56,260 --> 00:11:59,616
- They'll just have to wait.
- That's hardly the Dunkirk spirit.
178
00:11:59,660 --> 00:12:05,337
Well, this isn't Dunkirk. I don't really expect
to be mobbed for the rest of the day.
179
00:12:05,380 --> 00:12:10,374
I don't know. We're sitting on our wobbly stools
and your book's selling all over the country.
180
00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:13,332
- One here, one there.
- It's going wonderfully well in Nottingham.
181
00:12:13,380 --> 00:12:15,371
How do you know?
182
00:12:15,420 --> 00:12:18,014
- I'm guessing.
- Why would you guess Nottingham?
183
00:12:18,060 --> 00:12:20,858
Why should the people of Nottingham
be interested in Kenya?
184
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:22,891
- Why not?
- I can't answer that.
185
00:12:22,940 --> 00:12:26,410
- There you are, then.
- How's it doing in the Shetland Isles?
186
00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:29,657
- Oh, how do I know?
- I thought you'd like to make another guess.
187
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:31,816
- Oh, ha, ha!
- Bristol, Birmingham?
188
00:12:31,860 --> 00:12:34,977
- Oh, shut up.
- How do you guess it's selling in Gateshead?
189
00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:36,931
- I don't know anybody in Gateshead.
- Ah!
190
00:12:36,980 --> 00:12:39,175
Oh, well.
191
00:12:39,220 --> 00:12:43,930
All right, so I made a few phone calls. Nothing
wrong with recommending a book to friends.
192
00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:45,459
- I don't like it.
- Don't you?
193
00:12:45,500 --> 00:12:48,572
- It smacks of charity.
- And you smack of being stiff-necked.
194
00:12:51,700 --> 00:12:54,294
The next performance is at three o'clock.
195
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:57,730
We shall be doing excerpts
from South Pacific.
196
00:12:58,980 --> 00:13:04,179
This has been quite the silliest morning
of my life and it's only just beginning.
197
00:13:05,780 --> 00:13:07,418
(Tries to tune in radio)
198
00:13:07,460 --> 00:13:10,258
If you're trying to get Radio Luxembourg,
it's off the air.
199
00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:13,895
- I'm trying to find Lionel.
- Oh, where is he today?
200
00:13:13,940 --> 00:13:17,933
- He's doing a book programme in Glasgow.
- You won't get that on there.
201
00:13:17,980 --> 00:13:20,255
I can get France.
202
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:25,090
Oh, maybe he'll do France next week.
Oh, I hope he's not too tired.
203
00:13:25,140 --> 00:13:28,689
Alistair's got him dashing all over
as if he's in the Milk Race.
204
00:13:28,740 --> 00:13:31,618
He's not cycling, is he?
205
00:13:32,620 --> 00:13:36,818
- Come on, Alistair's only trying to do his best.
- Oh, I know, I know.
206
00:13:36,860 --> 00:13:41,012
- Do you miss him?
- Well, I've got used to him being around.
207
00:13:41,060 --> 00:13:44,052
Is this what you meant
by success can be a mixed blessing?
208
00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:47,536
Sort of. Anyway, don't worry,
he might not be a success.
209
00:13:47,580 --> 00:13:51,050
Oh, I want him to be.
I want it both ways, don't I?
210
00:13:51,100 --> 00:13:53,568
- (Doorbell)
- That'll be Alistair.
211
00:13:53,620 --> 00:13:57,295
He's a success. How does he manage
so much time to take you out?
212
00:13:57,340 --> 00:14:00,537
- He's a big success.
- Oh, he's a mega success.
213
00:14:03,140 --> 00:14:05,335
- Hi, Alistair.
- Hi.
214
00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:08,172
- Hi, Jean.
- Hi.
215
00:14:08,220 --> 00:14:11,496
Ah, did you manage to get Lionel in Glasgow?
216
00:14:11,540 --> 00:14:14,532
He did well.
He's getting less hostile every time.
217
00:14:14,580 --> 00:14:17,731
How did you manage
to get a local radio station from Glasgow?
218
00:14:17,780 --> 00:14:19,771
- On the car radio.
- Can you get Tibet?
219
00:14:19,820 --> 00:14:22,015
- Only faintly.
- Oh.
220
00:14:22,060 --> 00:14:24,210
- Would you like a drink?
- No, thanks.
221
00:14:24,260 --> 00:14:27,730
- There's something I want to put to you.
- Oh, what?
222
00:14:28,820 --> 00:14:32,017
- The book.
- She's already bought 120 copies.
223
00:14:32,060 --> 00:14:34,255
- 140.
- Star on the chart!
224
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:39,499
But I'm talking bigger than locally. We're not
exactly bombing, but we're not grabbing either.
225
00:14:39,540 --> 00:14:42,293
What we need to do is open up a second front.
226
00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:45,457
Are you intending to invade Russia?
227
00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:49,573
- You sounded just like Lionel then.
- I'll do his next interview for him.
228
00:14:49,620 --> 00:14:54,136
- Well, it's funny you should mention...
- Alistair, what are you building up to?
229
00:14:54,180 --> 00:14:59,049
The inscription in the book. "To Pooh" it says.
You're Pooh, aren't you?
230
00:15:00,060 --> 00:15:03,211
- Of course not.
- Pooh was a dog.
231
00:15:03,260 --> 00:15:06,013
- Yes, a spaniel.
- A collie.
232
00:15:06,060 --> 00:15:08,528
Lionel's favourite spaniel.
233
00:15:08,580 --> 00:15:11,458
- A springer spaniel.
- A cocker spaniel. Oh.
234
00:15:11,500 --> 00:15:16,449
All right, I am Pooh or, rather, I was. I certainly
wouldn't answer to it now. What about it?
235
00:15:16,500 --> 00:15:19,810
Don't you see? It's the perfect publicity angle.
236
00:15:19,860 --> 00:15:23,569
The book is dedicated to the girl he left behind,
the girl before Africa.
237
00:15:23,620 --> 00:15:25,770
The girl before the dawn of time.
238
00:15:25,820 --> 00:15:30,814
- Who is she? That's the angle. Who is Pooh?
- Do you seriously think anyone cares?
239
00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:34,250
They will.
We can have the whole nation on tenterhooks!
240
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:37,292
- We could double the book sales.
- People love a mystery.
241
00:15:37,340 --> 00:15:40,537
What happens
when the nation's curiosity dries up?
242
00:15:40,580 --> 00:15:44,619
We don't let them. We produce you.
We produce Pooh!
243
00:15:48,780 --> 00:15:52,773
- You did say you wanted to help.
- (Mouths silently)
244
00:15:53,860 --> 00:15:56,328
- (Jean) You'd be what?
- Flattered.
245
00:15:56,380 --> 00:16:01,090
- I've always wanted to be a mystery woman.
- All right, then, you be Pooh, then.
246
00:16:01,140 --> 00:16:04,337
- When Lionel knew Pooh, I wasn't even born.
- That's just it.
247
00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:07,611
All this happened a hundred years ago.
It has no relevance to today.
248
00:16:07,660 --> 00:16:12,017
- People still fall in love.
- Yeah, I bet they don't call each other Pooh.
249
00:16:12,060 --> 00:16:14,654
Well, you did say you'd help.
250
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:19,490
I have helped, one way and another.
I've lived with this bloody book for months.
251
00:16:19,540 --> 00:16:22,737
And now all this "Who's Pooh" business
is too much.
252
00:16:22,780 --> 00:16:25,578
- It's up to you.
- I hate it when people say that.
253
00:16:25,620 --> 00:16:29,408
They don't mean "make up your own mind",
but "I'm right and you're wrong".
254
00:16:29,460 --> 00:16:32,850
- Look, if you really hate the idea...
- (Lionel) Hello?
255
00:16:36,060 --> 00:16:38,255
Ah, it's a celebrity.
256
00:16:38,300 --> 00:16:42,009
Donald Duck is a celebrity,
I'm not even a five-minute wonder.
257
00:16:42,060 --> 00:16:46,099
- You're better looking than Donald Duck.
- Marginally. Could I beg a cup of tea?
258
00:16:46,140 --> 00:16:47,414
Yes.
259
00:16:47,460 --> 00:16:50,657
- (Jean) Ahh, hello.
- Hello.
260
00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:53,055
You look awful.
261
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,489
This is my brave face, as well.
262
00:16:55,540 --> 00:16:57,531
- Sit down.
- Thank you.
263
00:16:57,580 --> 00:16:59,775
Where have you come from?
264
00:16:59,820 --> 00:17:02,334
- Wales, I think.
- Oh, as bad as that?
265
00:17:02,380 --> 00:17:08,296
Alistair's itinerary wasn't really designed for me.
It was designed for a hyperactive decathlete.
266
00:17:08,340 --> 00:17:10,171
- Push, push?
- Yes.
267
00:17:10,220 --> 00:17:15,613
I hope the next time he says that, he's on top
of Beachy Head with his back to the sea.
268
00:17:16,580 --> 00:17:19,014
Keep telling yourself it's all worthwhile.
269
00:17:19,060 --> 00:17:21,858
- I'm too tired to listen.
- I'm sure it is.
270
00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:26,416
I don't know, I think I've seen more bookshops
than people wanting to buy the book.
271
00:17:26,460 --> 00:17:29,020
Ahh. How's your bunion?
272
00:17:29,060 --> 00:17:30,857
- Throbbing.
- Ahh.
273
00:17:30,900 --> 00:17:33,289
- That probably explains it.
- What?
274
00:17:33,340 --> 00:17:36,059
You being dismal.
Bunions can be very depressing.
275
00:17:36,100 --> 00:17:39,536
- I'm not being dismal, I'm being realistic.
- You were sanguine.
276
00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:42,413
Bluff. I was trying not to care.
277
00:17:42,460 --> 00:17:45,816
Vanity, I suppose, but at the end of the day,
I did want it to sell.
278
00:17:45,860 --> 00:17:51,014
- Well, it has. The local bookshop's sold out.
- Thanks. How many copies did you buy?
279
00:17:51,060 --> 00:17:56,771
- Now, what kind of a remark is that?
- An appreciative one. I just put it badly.
280
00:17:56,820 --> 00:18:00,893
And what's all this past tense?
What's all this "I did want it to sell"?
281
00:18:00,940 --> 00:18:06,936
I've grown accustomed to Alistair's vocabulary.
When he says "mega", he means minute.
282
00:18:08,340 --> 00:18:10,854
I'm sure he's got other ways
of pushing the book.
283
00:18:10,900 --> 00:18:13,812
Oh, let's be realistic, there isn't anything else.
284
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,851
(Phone rings)
285
00:18:34,420 --> 00:18:36,138
It's a celebrity.
286
00:18:36,180 --> 00:18:40,378
You've only said that twice
and it's wearing thin. Where are you off to?
287
00:18:40,420 --> 00:18:42,217
- Home.
- Already?
288
00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:44,455
It's past my bedtime.
289
00:18:44,500 --> 00:18:47,890
- Jean still here?
- No, she's gone home to talk to Alistair.
290
00:18:47,940 --> 00:18:52,889
- Oh, right, I'll creak round there, then.
- Ah, then you've saved me a diversion.
291
00:18:52,940 --> 00:18:56,455
Give this to her.
She won't want it lying around the office.
292
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:59,492
- What's in it? Used notes?
- An idea.
293
00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:03,135
- I thought they were usually kept in her head.
- Good night.
294
00:19:03,180 --> 00:19:04,738
Good night.
295
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:12,132
I get carried away, you see.
She doesn't really want to.
296
00:19:12,980 --> 00:19:15,972
I found those two sentences
totally incomprehensible.
297
00:19:16,020 --> 00:19:19,012
The envelope's not sealed.
298
00:19:19,060 --> 00:19:21,415
Good night.
299
00:19:45,540 --> 00:19:48,134
So, what did you think of the mock-ups?
300
00:19:48,180 --> 00:19:51,172
- I left them at the office.
- You didn't like them?
301
00:19:51,220 --> 00:19:55,213
I wouldn't have liked them if you'd
presented them to me in a jewelled casket.
302
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:57,649
It's a woman's prerog,
but you haven't changed your mind?
303
00:19:57,700 --> 00:20:00,897
- No, I'll do it.
- Oh, come on, Mum, it'll be fun.
304
00:20:00,940 --> 00:20:02,009
Right.
305
00:20:02,060 --> 00:20:05,018
How many people get the chance
to be somebody?
306
00:20:05,060 --> 00:20:08,370
- Right.
- I already am someone. I'm me.
307
00:20:08,420 --> 00:20:11,378
- Anyone can be me.
- That's tortuous.
308
00:20:11,420 --> 00:20:14,969
- No, what Judith means...
- Yes, all right, I know what she means.
309
00:20:15,020 --> 00:20:19,616
I'm just thinking about the revelation.
Next week, Pooh revealed.
310
00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:23,289
- Tomorrow, Pooh revealed!
- You should be a copywriter.
311
00:20:23,340 --> 00:20:26,730
- And what is revealed? An old blob.
- Oh, come on, you're not old.
312
00:20:26,780 --> 00:20:30,568
- And you're not a blob.
- Thank you, I was hoping you'd say that.
313
00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:34,215
But you know what I mean. I'll be an anticlimax.
314
00:20:34,260 --> 00:20:37,252
I'm coming at you head-on with this one, Jean.
315
00:20:37,300 --> 00:20:40,736
You're not the end, you're the means.
316
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:45,130
I think that's the least flattering thing
anyone has ever said to me.
317
00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:48,092
- Yes, so do I.
- But you're right.
318
00:20:48,140 --> 00:20:51,735
- You speak my language.
- No, but we've formed a sort of Esperanto.
319
00:20:51,780 --> 00:20:54,248
- (Doorbell)
- I'll get it.
320
00:20:57,060 --> 00:21:00,848
- Well, perhaps...
- Worth a try. Cheers.
321
00:21:00,900 --> 00:21:04,859
- You know, I could fall for you.
- Oh, you've done that. We've talked about it.
322
00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:08,290
You're much, much, much, much too old
for me!
323
00:21:08,340 --> 00:21:12,891
- This is out of the question.
- Li, though I say so myself, it's a great idea.
324
00:21:12,940 --> 00:21:15,898
I don't care if it's better than the wheel,
she's not doing it.
325
00:21:15,940 --> 00:21:17,771
- She's agreed.
- But I haven't.
326
00:21:17,820 --> 00:21:19,731
- She wants to do it.
- She's not.
327
00:21:19,780 --> 00:21:22,817
- I don't like this "she" business.
- You, then. You're not.
328
00:21:22,860 --> 00:21:24,771
- She wants...
- Who?
329
00:21:24,820 --> 00:21:26,412
- Jean wants to help.
- She's...
330
00:21:26,460 --> 00:21:29,258
- Who?
- You are not going to.
331
00:21:29,300 --> 00:21:32,736
- Don't tell me what to do.
- Anyone want some coffee?
332
00:21:32,780 --> 00:21:36,216
- Look, we're all on the same side here.
- On the button.
333
00:21:36,260 --> 00:21:37,693
- Of course we are.
- No.
334
00:21:37,740 --> 00:21:40,698
- Lionel, she...
- Oh, be quiet.
335
00:21:40,740 --> 00:21:43,538
- Who is Pooh? She is...
- Who?
336
00:21:45,580 --> 00:21:50,415
Jean Pargetter, the girl I was in love with,
is Pooh.
337
00:21:50,460 --> 00:21:53,736
It's a silly nickname because Jean liked honey.
It's our business.
338
00:21:53,780 --> 00:21:57,170
It has nothing to do with the readers
of this or that newspaper.
339
00:21:57,220 --> 00:21:59,211
But if it helps to sell the book...
340
00:21:59,260 --> 00:22:01,251
It has nothing to do with the book.
341
00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:03,131
It's ours.
342
00:22:06,820 --> 00:22:10,529
- Why don't you ever say anything like that?
- Huh?
343
00:22:14,860 --> 00:22:17,852
- What did you say?
- I can't remember.
344
00:22:19,340 --> 00:22:21,331
- You meant it.
- Of course I meant it.
345
00:22:21,380 --> 00:22:23,416
- Oh, but the book...
- Bugger the book.
346
00:22:23,460 --> 00:22:25,576
Look, I went to a travel agent's.
347
00:22:25,620 --> 00:22:27,611
- You're going back to Kenya!
- No!
348
00:22:27,660 --> 00:22:29,810
- Paris.
- Why are you going to Paris?
349
00:22:29,860 --> 00:22:32,977
I booked for two.
That weekend we planned and never had.
350
00:22:33,020 --> 00:22:36,217
- You're making assumptions.
- I thought it was time I did.
351
00:22:36,260 --> 00:22:39,570
- Oh, I see.
- You're not going to go on the defensive?
352
00:22:39,620 --> 00:22:42,054
Not with you in such a masterful mood.
353
00:22:42,100 --> 00:22:46,935
- Now you're just taking the mickey.
- No, I'm not. Not at all.
354
00:22:46,980 --> 00:22:51,019
- We're going out to eat. Coming?
- You don't know what a good sulk is.
355
00:22:51,060 --> 00:22:53,779
- No. Well, are you coming or not?
- No.
356
00:22:53,820 --> 00:22:57,893
- No, thank you.
- Do you know, I amaze myself sometimes.
357
00:22:57,940 --> 00:23:01,455
What have you done?
Passed a mirror without looking in it?
358
00:23:02,260 --> 00:23:06,333
Nice dig, Li, but no.
I've just thought of your next book.
359
00:23:06,380 --> 00:23:08,974
- Oh, for heaven's sake!
- Oh, go and eat, Alistair!
360
00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:12,057
- Just let me give you the bones.
- Lionel's tired.
361
00:23:12,100 --> 00:23:16,298
He'll feel like moving mountains
when he's heard this.
362
00:23:16,340 --> 00:23:18,649
It's set in the '50s, right?
363
00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:23,854
A young army lieutenant and a young nurse
are in love, and I mean heavy love!
364
00:23:23,900 --> 00:23:27,051
- Don't tell me, he gets posted to Korea.
- I know what happens.
365
00:23:27,100 --> 00:23:29,409
The nurse sends him a letter
and he doesn't get it.
366
00:23:29,460 --> 00:23:31,451
- Tragic, but dull.
- Dull?
367
00:23:31,500 --> 00:23:34,298
In a "God, I can't put this book down" sense.
No, no, no.
368
00:23:34,340 --> 00:23:38,777
He gets the letter,
but just as he's about to read it... he's wounded.
369
00:23:38,820 --> 00:23:40,811
By a mule?
370
00:23:40,860 --> 00:23:43,579
An enemy mule, of course.
371
00:23:43,620 --> 00:23:48,648
You're not taking me seriously, are you? Look,
this could be the prequel to My Life in Kenya.
372
00:23:48,700 --> 00:23:51,897
Go away or this could be the prequel
to some very foul language.
373
00:23:51,940 --> 00:23:56,730
- Another time, Alistair.
- OK, OK. Let's see if we can think of a title.
374
00:23:57,420 --> 00:23:59,809
- Us, a novel.
- Don't even think about it.
375
00:23:59,860 --> 00:24:04,251
I've thought of a very good title already.
The Jean And Lionel Story.
376
00:24:04,300 --> 00:24:07,497
- They laughed, they loved, they lost...
- Until...
377
00:24:07,540 --> 00:24:11,328
- Until what?
- In inverted commas. Until... dot, dot, dot, dot.
378
00:24:11,380 --> 00:24:15,419
- We're sounding like Alistair.
- I'd like to be taller.
379
00:24:15,460 --> 00:24:20,011
- Now, that's a strange thing to say.
- In the book. And willowy.
380
00:24:20,060 --> 00:24:23,848
Oh. Fair enough.
And I'll have a shock of red hair.
381
00:24:25,980 --> 00:24:28,289
- And Jean's too plain.
- Gert?
382
00:24:28,340 --> 00:24:30,331
Oh, good! Gert!
383
00:24:30,380 --> 00:24:32,371
Gert and Ginger.
384
00:24:33,700 --> 00:24:35,691
- Have a drink.
- Yes, good idea.
385
00:24:35,740 --> 00:24:38,732
Oh, God. Ohh!
I clicked in about 18 places then.
386
00:24:38,780 --> 00:24:44,377
Stay there. I'll get it. Would you like something
to eat? I don't have any doughnuts.
387
00:24:44,420 --> 00:24:47,457
Well, beans on toast would be nice.
388
00:24:47,500 --> 00:24:49,536
You don't trust my cooking, do you?
389
00:24:49,580 --> 00:24:52,652
- I just fancy beans on toast!
- Hm.
390
00:24:53,980 --> 00:24:57,131
- Cheers.
- Ah, thanks. Cheers.
391
00:24:57,180 --> 00:24:58,977
The Gert And Ginger Story.
392
00:24:59,900 --> 00:25:04,212
Why stop at one book? I could make it
a series. Gert And Ginger Go To Paris.
393
00:25:05,380 --> 00:25:09,578
- Gert And Ginger Go To The Chiropodist.
- Gert And Ginger Go To The Dogs.
394
00:25:10,740 --> 00:25:13,538
Yes, but who knows about the ending?
395
00:25:13,580 --> 00:25:19,576
I mean, there we were and here we are now
with a great big gap of 38 years in between.
396
00:25:21,140 --> 00:25:24,496
Sometimes it's as though
we've never been apart.
397
00:25:24,540 --> 00:25:28,692
But at other times...
it seems that we never knew each other,
398
00:25:28,740 --> 00:25:31,300
that we were just complete strangers.
399
00:25:32,660 --> 00:25:36,778
I wonder what'll happen to us.
Have you any ideas on the subject?
400
00:25:40,700 --> 00:25:42,497
Lionel?
401
00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:50,098
Lionel?
402
00:25:54,100 --> 00:25:55,897
My hero.
403
00:26:04,620 --> 00:26:07,180
# You must remember this
404
00:26:07,220 --> 00:26:09,814
# A kiss is still a kiss
405
00:26:09,860 --> 00:26:13,057
# A sigh is just a sigh
406
00:26:15,540 --> 00:26:18,896
# The fundamental things apply
407
00:26:18,940 --> 00:26:22,728
# As time goes by
408
00:26:26,260 --> 00:26:28,979
# And when two lovers woo
409
00:26:29,020 --> 00:26:31,614
# They still say I love you
410
00:26:31,660 --> 00:26:34,857
# On that you can rely
411
00:26:37,340 --> 00:26:41,936
# The world will always welcome lovers
412
00:26:43,060 --> 00:26:50,978
# As time goes by #
413
00:26:51,028 --> 00:26:55,578
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