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1
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?
2
00:00:03,748 --> 00:00:04,980
Hey, Katie!
3
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- Viv?
- [DOOR CLOSES]
4
00:00:06,725 --> 00:00:07,742
How'd you get in?
5
00:00:07,813 --> 00:00:10,147
Oh! I broke in while you guys were away,
6
00:00:10,215 --> 00:00:11,715
called a locksmith, pretended I was you,
7
00:00:11,783 --> 00:00:12,949
and had a key made.
8
00:00:13,018 --> 00:00:13,950
It's not important.
9
00:00:14,019 --> 00:00:15,252
- Mm.
- Whatcha workin' on?
10
00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:16,520
Deciding on the best way
to keep you out...
11
00:00:16,588 --> 00:00:18,889
a guard dog or dig a moat
and fill it with carbs.
12
00:00:18,957 --> 00:00:21,024
- [CHUCKLING] You!
- Mm-hmm-hmm.
13
00:00:21,093 --> 00:00:23,393
Ooh. Cursive. What's this?
14
00:00:23,462 --> 00:00:26,196
These are the sample invitations
for the Spring Gala.
15
00:00:26,265 --> 00:00:28,565
I'm so sorry, but I cannot go
to your little Gala.
16
00:00:28,634 --> 00:00:30,267
I don't have any money
because of the divorce,
17
00:00:30,335 --> 00:00:32,002
and my new boyfriend is a pig trainer,
18
00:00:32,070 --> 00:00:34,738
which is not as lucrative as it sounds.
19
00:00:34,806 --> 00:00:36,273
You don't have to apologize.
You're not invited.
20
00:00:36,341 --> 00:00:38,542
It's a school function,
and you don't have kids.
21
00:00:38,610 --> 00:00:39,910
Well, I might someday soon.
22
00:00:41,079 --> 00:00:42,012
What now?
23
00:00:42,080 --> 00:00:45,081
Things with Dirk are amazing.
24
00:00:45,150 --> 00:00:46,082
Mm-hmm.
25
00:00:46,151 --> 00:00:48,485
Physically, it's so gooood.
26
00:00:48,554 --> 00:00:49,653
Extra O's.
27
00:00:49,721 --> 00:00:51,154
Remember the over-share conversation?
28
00:00:51,223 --> 00:00:52,255
This falls into that.
29
00:00:52,324 --> 00:00:53,557
- Oh, right.
- Mm-hmm.
30
00:00:53,625 --> 00:00:56,993
And so that's why I was thinking
about having a baby.
31
00:00:57,062 --> 00:00:58,895
Do you think I'd be a good mom?
32
00:01:00,866 --> 00:01:02,832
You'd be... a mom.
33
00:01:02,901 --> 00:01:04,067
- Right?
- Mm-hmm.
34
00:01:04,136 --> 00:01:05,569
OLIVER: Mom! I need you!
35
00:01:05,637 --> 00:01:07,170
I don't feel good!
36
00:01:07,239 --> 00:01:08,448
KATIE: Viv raising a kid?
37
00:01:08,473 --> 00:01:09,839
I'm not sure I could picture that.
38
00:01:09,864 --> 00:01:11,708
Why don't you just tell Oliver
your best friend's over
39
00:01:11,777 --> 00:01:14,177
and to shut up and grow a pair?!
40
00:01:14,246 --> 00:01:17,147
Now I can picture it,
and it's not gooood.
41
00:01:17,216 --> 00:01:19,216
Extra O's.
42
00:01:19,284 --> 00:01:22,219
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
43
00:01:24,323 --> 00:01:26,323
What's wrong, honey?
44
00:01:26,391 --> 00:01:29,859
I'm achy and I'm freezing and sweating.
45
00:01:29,928 --> 00:01:31,428
Can you get the thermometer?
46
00:01:31,496 --> 00:01:33,597
I have been a mother for over 16 years.
47
00:01:33,665 --> 00:01:35,131
I don't need a thermometer.
48
00:01:36,802 --> 00:01:38,768
Yep. You got a fever.
49
00:01:38,837 --> 00:01:40,870
Viv couldn't do that with a kid.
50
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Her face has probably lost all feeling
51
00:01:42,441 --> 00:01:43,406
from the cheek fillers.
52
00:01:43,475 --> 00:01:46,309
Mama, my science project is done.
53
00:01:46,378 --> 00:01:48,245
You said not to wait
until the last minute,
54
00:01:48,313 --> 00:01:49,679
but I did wait.
55
00:01:49,748 --> 00:01:51,114
Looks like you were wrong.
56
00:01:51,183 --> 00:01:53,049
It's finished? Both sides?
57
00:01:53,118 --> 00:01:54,918
Oh, crap. There's another side?
58
00:01:54,987 --> 00:01:56,286
Mm-hmm.
59
00:01:56,355 --> 00:01:59,256
I have to build a 3-D model
of a cell by tomorrow?
60
00:02:00,425 --> 00:02:01,725
- I'm ruined!
- [DOOR OPENS]
61
00:02:01,793 --> 00:02:03,560
Mom, where's my volleyball jersey?
62
00:02:03,629 --> 00:02:05,428
First game's tomorrow,
and if I don't have it,
63
00:02:05,497 --> 00:02:07,163
Mandy Ward is taking my spot.
64
00:02:07,232 --> 00:02:08,598
She's already filling up a C cup.
65
00:02:08,667 --> 00:02:10,166
She doesn't need anything else
to go her way.
66
00:02:10,235 --> 00:02:12,435
Did you hang it up like I told you to?
67
00:02:14,339 --> 00:02:16,339
This is a disaster!
68
00:02:16,408 --> 00:02:17,607
It looks like the dressing room
69
00:02:17,676 --> 00:02:19,309
attendant at Ross up and quit.
70
00:02:19,378 --> 00:02:21,278
Can you look for my jersey
while you yell at me?
71
00:02:21,346 --> 00:02:22,779
I know your time is valuable.
72
00:02:22,848 --> 00:02:25,482
The three of you have no one
to blame but yourselves.
73
00:02:25,550 --> 00:02:27,617
Let me remind you that,
two Saturdays ago,
74
00:02:27,686 --> 00:02:30,887
I tried to stop this very moment
from happening.
75
00:02:30,956 --> 00:02:33,690
?
76
00:02:33,759 --> 00:02:35,592
Anna-Kat, you really need
to get a head start
77
00:02:35,661 --> 00:02:36,726
on this science project.
78
00:02:36,795 --> 00:02:39,362
Relax, nerd. It's not due for two weeks.
79
00:02:39,431 --> 00:02:40,497
[SIGHS]
80
00:02:40,565 --> 00:02:41,531
I'm going to Cooper's.
81
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,166
You need to put a jacket on.
82
00:02:43,235 --> 00:02:44,868
- You don't want to get sick.
- Oh, yeah?
83
00:02:44,936 --> 00:02:46,836
Did they cover that in your
fourth year of medical school?
84
00:02:48,940 --> 00:02:50,573
Ugh.
85
00:02:50,642 --> 00:02:51,741
You need to clean your room.
86
00:02:51,810 --> 00:02:53,310
And hang up your jersey
so you don't lose it.
87
00:02:53,378 --> 00:02:55,278
Mom, if my messy room bothers you,
88
00:02:55,347 --> 00:02:57,380
here's a solution... don't go in it.
89
00:02:57,449 --> 00:02:59,249
[GASPS] Problem solver!
90
00:02:59,318 --> 00:03:01,451
?
91
00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:03,753
You should have listened to me
in the first place,
92
00:03:03,822 --> 00:03:05,689
and the 10 more times
I told you after that.
93
00:03:05,757 --> 00:03:06,723
Greg?
94
00:03:06,792 --> 00:03:07,824
Your mother's right.
95
00:03:07,893 --> 00:03:08,925
When she tells you to do something,
96
00:03:08,994 --> 00:03:10,082
you should do it immediately.
97
00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:11,506
Thank you.
98
00:03:11,575 --> 00:03:13,408
By the way, I'm done
with my sample invitations.
99
00:03:13,476 --> 00:03:14,876
I assume you've set up the printer?
100
00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:16,544
- No, but...
- Seriously, Greg?
101
00:03:16,613 --> 00:03:18,046
You've had two years to set it up.
102
00:03:18,114 --> 00:03:19,881
I'm going to set it up.
You don't have to nag.
103
00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,149
I don't nag.
104
00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:24,185
Stop making those dumb faces.
105
00:03:24,254 --> 00:03:26,588
If I were a nag... which I'm not...
106
00:03:26,656 --> 00:03:29,290
it'd only be because
you all make me one.
107
00:03:29,359 --> 00:03:30,825
If you did what I told you,
108
00:03:30,894 --> 00:03:33,328
I would just be a sweet woman
offering gentle reminders.
109
00:03:33,396 --> 00:03:36,264
I want it on record
that we did not exchange looks,
110
00:03:36,333 --> 00:03:37,732
even though you called yourself "sweet"
111
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:39,500
and said your reminders were "gentle."
112
00:03:39,569 --> 00:03:41,135
[LAUGHTER]
113
00:03:41,204 --> 00:03:42,370
Laugh it up, but the only reason
114
00:03:42,439 --> 00:03:43,805
why you're calling for mommy right now
115
00:03:43,873 --> 00:03:45,306
is because none of you
ever listen to me.
116
00:03:45,375 --> 00:03:46,407
That's not true.
117
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,176
Anna-Kat, what did I just say?
118
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Greg!
119
00:03:50,947 --> 00:03:53,281
No, it's like this. Greg!
120
00:03:53,350 --> 00:03:54,582
- [LAUGHTER]
- Okay, you know what?
121
00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:56,251
I'm tired of you people.
122
00:03:56,319 --> 00:03:58,553
I have given you my life, my body,
123
00:03:58,622 --> 00:03:59,754
and my pottery studio.
124
00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:00,805
That's right.
125
00:04:00,852 --> 00:04:03,157
Your bedroom was going to be
my pottery studio.
126
00:04:03,226 --> 00:04:05,260
You're on your own.
I'm turning off the mom switch.
127
00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:06,394
But I need my jersey!
128
00:04:06,463 --> 00:04:07,729
What do I do about my model?
129
00:04:07,797 --> 00:04:09,330
But my cold sweats... Mom!
130
00:04:09,399 --> 00:04:10,665
No Mom here.
131
00:04:10,734 --> 00:04:12,767
Just a childless woman without a printer
132
00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:16,204
or a place to glaze
my whimsical pinch-pots.
133
00:04:16,273 --> 00:04:17,605
Where are you going?
134
00:04:17,630 --> 00:04:18,640
- [KEYS CLACK]
- Out.
135
00:04:18,708 --> 00:04:21,142
And by the time I get back,
that printer better be working.
136
00:04:21,211 --> 00:04:22,377
Well, I can't deal with the kids
137
00:04:22,445 --> 00:04:23,978
and set up the printer at the same time.
138
00:04:24,047 --> 00:04:25,980
Every day, I figure out
139
00:04:26,049 --> 00:04:27,915
how to make breakfast, pack lunches,
140
00:04:27,984 --> 00:04:29,284
clean the house, do the laundry,
141
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:30,551
grocery shop, make dinner,
142
00:04:30,620 --> 00:04:32,520
and vote for Team Blake on "The Voice"
143
00:04:32,589 --> 00:04:34,188
while taking care of our children.
144
00:04:34,257 --> 00:04:36,724
I have complete confidence
that you can manage
145
00:04:36,793 --> 00:04:40,495
the kids and the printer
at the same time.
146
00:04:40,563 --> 00:04:41,896
I fold the laundry sometimes.
147
00:04:41,965 --> 00:04:43,869
Not well!
148
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,668
?
149
00:04:49,139 --> 00:04:51,406
Look at you guys, so happy
150
00:04:51,474 --> 00:04:53,107
despite not knowing your best angles.
151
00:04:53,176 --> 00:04:57,345
I see this and know,
if you can do it, I totally can.
152
00:04:57,414 --> 00:04:59,113
Mm. Being a mom is hard.
153
00:04:59,182 --> 00:05:00,214
I just make it look easy.
154
00:05:00,283 --> 00:05:01,316
No, you don't.
155
00:05:01,384 --> 00:05:02,617
It obviously takes a lot of effort.
156
00:05:02,686 --> 00:05:04,819
That's why you're always
in your yard-work clothes.
157
00:05:04,888 --> 00:05:06,954
But I really think I'm ready.
158
00:05:07,023 --> 00:05:09,691
Ignore the slam, and you could
kill two birds with one stone.
159
00:05:09,759 --> 00:05:10,825
Let's see.
160
00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,360
Why don't you get some hands-on practice
161
00:05:12,429 --> 00:05:14,696
by watching my precious,
little angels while I'm out?
162
00:05:14,764 --> 00:05:16,597
Oh, my God. I would love to.
163
00:05:16,666 --> 00:05:18,466
How often do I have to let them
outside to pee?
164
00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:20,034
They can pee on their own.
165
00:05:20,103 --> 00:05:21,636
If anything should come up
166
00:05:21,705 --> 00:05:23,504
or you feel like
you need to call me, don't.
167
00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:24,872
Where are you going?
168
00:05:24,941 --> 00:05:26,574
My happy place.
169
00:05:26,643 --> 00:05:28,443
Orlando? [GASPS]
170
00:05:28,511 --> 00:05:30,778
Aww. People like you love it there.
171
00:05:33,817 --> 00:05:35,850
[CHOIR VOCALIZES]
172
00:05:37,654 --> 00:05:40,922
Welcome to Hideaway.
Can I help you find anything?
173
00:05:40,990 --> 00:05:42,123
[STOMPS FOOT]
174
00:05:42,192 --> 00:05:44,759
Just the spark of life I used to have.
175
00:05:48,031 --> 00:05:49,597
Have a sample. Don't be shy.
176
00:05:49,666 --> 00:05:52,266
[CHUCKLING] Oh. You must be new.
177
00:05:52,335 --> 00:05:53,568
Uh...
178
00:05:53,636 --> 00:05:55,670
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
OVER P.A. SYSTEM]
179
00:05:59,642 --> 00:06:01,075
?
180
00:06:01,144 --> 00:06:02,977
The mom switch is off.
181
00:06:03,046 --> 00:06:04,912
My phone ringer is off.
182
00:06:04,981 --> 00:06:06,981
What else should be off?
183
00:06:07,050 --> 00:06:09,183
[BRA CLASP SNAPS]
184
00:06:09,252 --> 00:06:10,785
There ya go.
185
00:06:15,234 --> 00:06:17,938
Excuse me. That's my seat.
186
00:06:17,970 --> 00:06:19,826
I don't see your name on it.
187
00:06:21,287 --> 00:06:22,693
Hitting other
people's children is wrong.
188
00:06:22,762 --> 00:06:24,562
Hitting other ople's children is wrong.
189
00:06:24,587 --> 00:06:25,771
Hey! You two.
190
00:06:25,827 --> 00:06:27,160
Get out of here, or I'm gonna
tell your parents
191
00:06:27,229 --> 00:06:28,528
I caught you touching the mannequins
192
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:29,930
in their bathing-suit area.
193
00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:31,932
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
OVER P.A. SYSTEM]
194
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:34,318
Ah! Adam, thank God
you're working today.
195
00:06:34,381 --> 00:06:37,015
Well, I wouldn't normally be,
but I'm filling in for Heather.
196
00:06:37,084 --> 00:06:38,817
Her grandmother's in the hospital again.
197
00:06:38,885 --> 00:06:40,652
Either live or die, lady.
Make a decision.
198
00:06:40,721 --> 00:06:42,220
Ohh. Heather's the worst.
199
00:06:42,289 --> 00:06:43,421
She always gives me a look
200
00:06:43,490 --> 00:06:45,257
when I don't donate
to charity at checkout.
201
00:06:45,325 --> 00:06:46,524
Ugh. Stupid Heather.
202
00:06:47,294 --> 00:06:50,128
So, what can I do
to make your life better today?
203
00:06:50,197 --> 00:06:53,632
Oh, Adam, you're my perfect
Hideaway husband.
204
00:06:53,700 --> 00:06:55,200
I have some sample invitations
205
00:06:55,269 --> 00:06:57,269
that I need to print out
for the Spring Gala.
206
00:06:57,337 --> 00:06:58,670
I'm the Gala Chairwoman.
207
00:06:58,739 --> 00:07:00,005
- [GASPS] Whoa.
- Hm.
208
00:07:00,073 --> 00:07:02,207
I heard the woman
who chaired the Gala last year
209
00:07:02,276 --> 00:07:04,075
got so overwhelmed
by the work and the pressure
210
00:07:04,144 --> 00:07:05,343
that she stripped naked
211
00:07:05,412 --> 00:07:07,112
and started pelting people
with cans of tuna.
212
00:07:07,180 --> 00:07:09,414
No, she just yelled at a shrimp tower.
213
00:07:09,483 --> 00:07:11,783
- Oh, well, that's less fun.
- Mm-hmm.
214
00:07:11,852 --> 00:07:13,184
Well, I can't have you going crazy,
215
00:07:13,253 --> 00:07:14,819
so let me help you
with your invitations.
216
00:07:14,888 --> 00:07:16,421
- What's the theme?
- Bollywood.
217
00:07:16,490 --> 00:07:17,856
[GASPS] The drama!
218
00:07:17,924 --> 00:07:19,324
The romance! The dance numbers!
219
00:07:19,393 --> 00:07:20,759
- Mm-hmm.
- It's perfect.
220
00:07:20,827 --> 00:07:21,960
Oh, you know what would be amazing?
221
00:07:22,029 --> 00:07:23,895
Nathan Fillion riding around
on an elephant?
222
00:07:23,964 --> 00:07:25,330
Shut up!
223
00:07:25,399 --> 00:07:26,631
That's exactly what I was going to say!
224
00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:29,200
?
225
00:07:30,837 --> 00:07:32,871
Okay, so tell me where
the printer's product key is
226
00:07:32,939 --> 00:07:34,172
and I'll read it back.
227
00:07:34,241 --> 00:07:36,041
Stop telling me
it's in the instruction book.
228
00:07:36,109 --> 00:07:37,909
I just told you
I lost the instruction book!
229
00:07:37,978 --> 00:07:39,577
Hello? Hello?
230
00:07:40,847 --> 00:07:42,147
Gimme those invites.
231
00:07:42,215 --> 00:07:44,382
Okay, they're all on... this.
232
00:07:44,451 --> 00:07:46,084
[BOYS IMITATE AIRPLANE ENGINES HUMMING]
233
00:07:46,153 --> 00:07:47,319
[GLASS SHATTERS]
234
00:07:47,387 --> 00:07:49,354
Hey! That's it.
235
00:07:49,423 --> 00:07:50,522
I'm telling your parents,
236
00:07:50,590 --> 00:07:52,424
who, by the way, are getting a divorce.
237
00:07:52,492 --> 00:07:55,226
And they're gonna say it's not
because of you, but it is.
238
00:07:55,295 --> 00:07:56,494
BOY: Let's go.
239
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,196
I don't know who their parents are.
240
00:07:58,265 --> 00:08:00,031
[BOTH LAUGH]
241
00:08:02,669 --> 00:08:04,703
So many kinds of Cheerios.
242
00:08:04,771 --> 00:08:07,172
Normally, I'd text home
to see who wants what,
243
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,008
but I'm gonna decide what flavor I want,
244
00:08:10,077 --> 00:08:12,344
and I want... Very Berry.
245
00:08:12,412 --> 00:08:13,878
Can I eat this entire box
246
00:08:13,947 --> 00:08:15,513
and throw it out
before I get to a checkout?
247
00:08:15,582 --> 00:08:16,648
Let's try it.
248
00:08:16,717 --> 00:08:19,150
Oh, There you are. Here's the update.
249
00:08:19,219 --> 00:08:21,553
Ugly people are breeding
at alarming rates,
250
00:08:21,621 --> 00:08:23,455
and they're all printing up
their baby announcements here.
251
00:08:23,523 --> 00:08:24,723
- Ugh.
- Oh.
252
00:08:24,791 --> 00:08:27,192
And Heather's grandma pulled through.
253
00:08:27,260 --> 00:08:28,893
- So annoying.
- Yeah.
254
00:08:28,962 --> 00:08:30,795
Anyway, I bumped
a few orders down the list,
255
00:08:30,825 --> 00:08:32,729
and your invites will be ready
in 20 minutes.
256
00:08:32,775 --> 00:08:34,599
- Can you wait?
- Yeah, I think I can manage.
257
00:08:34,668 --> 00:08:36,634
- Not in a rush to get home?
- Not today.
258
00:08:36,703 --> 00:08:38,002
My kids are driving me crazy.
259
00:08:38,071 --> 00:08:39,404
The boy is sick.
260
00:08:39,473 --> 00:08:42,607
And when he gets sick,
he gets really, really needy.
261
00:08:42,676 --> 00:08:45,343
I brought you some soup.
262
00:08:47,581 --> 00:08:49,214
This has carrots.
263
00:08:49,282 --> 00:08:50,749
I don't like carrots.
264
00:08:50,817 --> 00:08:52,050
My mom always scoops them out.
265
00:08:52,119 --> 00:08:54,386
Well, then I can scoop them out.
266
00:08:54,454 --> 00:08:57,522
Also, she puts VapoRub on my feet.
267
00:08:57,591 --> 00:08:59,691
Uh-huh. I can scoop out the carrots.
268
00:09:01,328 --> 00:09:04,396
And Anna-Kat has to make a model
of a cell for science class.
269
00:09:04,464 --> 00:09:07,465
And stress brings out her mean streak.
270
00:09:09,736 --> 00:09:12,003
How about a cell
made out of papierm�ch�?
271
00:09:12,072 --> 00:09:13,805
That's actually not a terrible idea.
272
00:09:13,874 --> 00:09:15,573
Look at me, solving problems.
273
00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:18,009
Mom of the year! Now get to it.
274
00:09:18,078 --> 00:09:19,778
I don't know how to papier-m�ch�.
275
00:09:19,846 --> 00:09:21,713
Well, I certainly don't.
276
00:09:21,782 --> 00:09:23,782
It's no wonder your husband left you.
277
00:09:25,118 --> 00:09:27,786
And Taylor lost her volleyball jersey.
278
00:09:27,854 --> 00:09:30,588
And when she gets under the gun,
she gets overwhelmed.
279
00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:33,024
I can't play without my jersey,
280
00:09:33,093 --> 00:09:34,893
and... and if I don't play, we'll lose.
281
00:09:34,961 --> 00:09:36,761
This game sets the tone
for the entire season,
282
00:09:36,830 --> 00:09:38,229
and we won't win a game all year,
283
00:09:38,298 --> 00:09:39,497
and it'll all be my fault!
284
00:09:39,566 --> 00:09:41,232
- It's gonna be okay.
- No, it won't!
285
00:09:41,301 --> 00:09:43,835
Everyone will hate me!
Like, really hate me!
286
00:09:43,904 --> 00:09:45,770
And I'll lose all my friends!
287
00:09:45,839 --> 00:09:47,439
Blonde to blonde,
you're failing me right now!
288
00:09:47,507 --> 00:09:48,940
I am doing the best I can!
289
00:09:49,009 --> 00:09:50,074
Why are you yelling at me?!
290
00:09:50,143 --> 00:09:51,810
I'm just matching your energy!
291
00:09:51,878 --> 00:09:54,145
Well, at least you have
a husband to take care of them.
292
00:09:54,214 --> 00:09:56,514
Oh, Adam.
He can't even set up a printer.
293
00:09:56,583 --> 00:09:59,617
For two years, it has sat
in his office untouched.
294
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,085
It's not a NordicTrack.
295
00:10:01,154 --> 00:10:02,754
It's a printer! Set it up!
296
00:10:02,823 --> 00:10:03,788
Katie, come back to me.
297
00:10:03,857 --> 00:10:05,390
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
298
00:10:05,459 --> 00:10:06,691
Today's about me.
299
00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,893
The mom switch is turned off.
300
00:10:08,962 --> 00:10:10,728
And you left the flawless-skin
switch turned on.
301
00:10:10,797 --> 00:10:12,897
Oh, Adam, I have loved you
302
00:10:12,966 --> 00:10:14,199
ever since the moment I found out
303
00:10:14,267 --> 00:10:16,401
you weighed 300 pounds in high school.
304
00:10:16,470 --> 00:10:18,603
Have I ever shown you my excess skin?
305
00:10:18,672 --> 00:10:20,071
No.
306
00:10:20,140 --> 00:10:23,641
Greg, when were you and Katie
planning on telling me
307
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:25,076
your kids were completely horrible?
308
00:10:26,379 --> 00:10:28,580
Okay, you're about the 12th
person I've talked to.
309
00:10:28,648 --> 00:10:30,181
Do not transfer me.
310
00:10:30,250 --> 00:10:31,716
I've done all the steps...
311
00:10:31,785 --> 00:10:33,318
unplugged, replugged, factory reset.
312
00:10:33,386 --> 00:10:35,720
I'm still getting a J5 error.
313
00:10:35,789 --> 00:10:37,555
Well, I appreciate
that you're sorry to hear that,
314
00:10:37,624 --> 00:10:39,757
but I know the "I'm about
to transfer you" voice
315
00:10:39,826 --> 00:10:41,926
when I hear it, so don't you...
316
00:10:41,995 --> 00:10:43,127
Main menu!
317
00:10:43,196 --> 00:10:46,064
[GROANS]
318
00:10:46,132 --> 00:10:47,465
[GROANS]
319
00:10:48,468 --> 00:10:51,469
[GRUNTS] You're gonna have
a J5 error in hell!
320
00:10:51,538 --> 00:10:52,937
It's so funny!
321
00:10:53,006 --> 00:10:55,106
Everyone says Katie
is the dangerous parent.
322
00:10:55,175 --> 00:10:57,075
Viv, I'm gonna go get a new printer.
323
00:10:57,143 --> 00:10:58,209
You've got the kids.
324
00:10:58,278 --> 00:11:00,612
Wha... I...
325
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:01,613
Aaaah!
326
00:11:01,681 --> 00:11:02,680
Aah!
327
00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:06,217
?
328
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:10,301
[SIGHS]
329
00:11:14,761 --> 00:11:16,294
- [DOOR CLOSES]
- [RINGING]
330
00:11:16,363 --> 00:11:17,929
It's Katie. Leave a message.
331
00:11:17,998 --> 00:11:21,099
Katie, your kids are killing me
and your husband's gone crazy
332
00:11:21,167 --> 00:11:23,635
and there's no hired help
to yell at, so...
333
00:11:23,703 --> 00:11:25,537
can you call me back?
334
00:11:25,605 --> 00:11:26,971
Where are you?
335
00:11:28,942 --> 00:11:30,742
I don't see why kids love this so much.
336
00:11:30,810 --> 00:11:33,978
If we are in Jurassic times,
where are all the dinosaurs?
337
00:11:34,047 --> 00:11:35,613
Katie, behind you.
338
00:11:36,917 --> 00:11:38,416
[BOTH SCREAMING]
339
00:11:38,485 --> 00:11:39,817
Run!
340
00:11:39,886 --> 00:11:41,419
[PANTING]
341
00:11:41,488 --> 00:11:43,988
Oh, hey, Anna-Kat. How's it going?
342
00:11:44,057 --> 00:11:45,189
Not good.
343
00:11:45,258 --> 00:11:47,759
Let me explain how school projects work.
344
00:11:47,827 --> 00:11:48,793
Okay.
345
00:11:48,862 --> 00:11:50,461
I do a quarter of it.
346
00:11:50,530 --> 00:11:54,232
A parent gets fed up and does
the other three quarters.
347
00:11:54,301 --> 00:11:57,869
Okay. Um...
348
00:11:57,938 --> 00:11:59,804
Mitochondria.
349
00:11:59,873 --> 00:12:01,005
[GASPS]
350
00:12:01,074 --> 00:12:03,274
Oh, I think I had that in college once.
351
00:12:03,343 --> 00:12:05,009
Y-You drink cranberry juice
to get rid of it.
352
00:12:05,078 --> 00:12:07,545
I want Jell-O with banana medallions.
353
00:12:07,614 --> 00:12:09,280
Okay. Okay.
354
00:12:09,349 --> 00:12:11,549
Um...
355
00:12:11,618 --> 00:12:13,484
I don't see any Jell-O.
356
00:12:13,553 --> 00:12:15,320
That's because you have to make it.
357
00:12:16,690 --> 00:12:18,222
I can scoop out the carrots.
358
00:12:18,291 --> 00:12:19,557
Ooh.
359
00:12:19,626 --> 00:12:21,626
That was your fault, Viv.
360
00:12:23,430 --> 00:12:25,163
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
361
00:12:25,231 --> 00:12:26,998
This is what happens when I get anxious.
362
00:12:27,067 --> 00:12:28,366
If you could just find my jersey,
363
00:12:28,435 --> 00:12:29,400
everything would be fine!
364
00:12:29,469 --> 00:12:30,969
No, no, you need paper towels.
365
00:12:31,037 --> 00:12:33,271
Just because you look like a Chihuahua
366
00:12:33,340 --> 00:12:36,140
doesn't mean you have to have
the attention span of one.
367
00:12:36,209 --> 00:12:37,942
Now start helping me.
368
00:12:38,011 --> 00:12:39,010
- [SNEEZES]
- Aah! God!
369
00:12:39,079 --> 00:12:40,778
That's so gross. That's so gross!
370
00:12:40,847 --> 00:12:42,580
That's it! That's it!
371
00:12:42,649 --> 00:12:45,016
That's it!
We're going back to your mother.
372
00:12:45,085 --> 00:12:46,985
Let's go. Get in the car!
373
00:12:47,053 --> 00:12:48,386
Oh! Oh, my God.
374
00:12:48,455 --> 00:12:51,489
I can't shield you!
I'm too pretty for this!
375
00:12:51,558 --> 00:12:53,791
I really am! I'm too pretty for this!
376
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,760
[INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT
OVER P.A. SYSTEM]
377
00:12:55,829 --> 00:12:58,296
KATIE: Oh, look, a mini WD-40.
378
00:12:58,365 --> 00:13:00,798
This is going to solve
so many of our problems.
379
00:13:00,867 --> 00:13:04,569
[DOORS SQUEAKING]
380
00:13:07,140 --> 00:13:08,072
[GROANS]
381
00:13:08,141 --> 00:13:09,641
I love it here.
382
00:13:09,709 --> 00:13:11,342
You can stroll around for hours
383
00:13:11,411 --> 00:13:13,144
while both helping
and neglecting your family.
384
00:13:14,047 --> 00:13:15,446
She gets it.
385
00:13:16,549 --> 00:13:17,849
Oh, I'm sorry.
386
00:13:17,917 --> 00:13:19,083
Katie?
387
00:13:19,152 --> 00:13:21,419
What are you doing
in my house of worship?
388
00:13:21,488 --> 00:13:22,920
Are you buying a new printer?
389
00:13:22,989 --> 00:13:25,390
What is wrong with our old new printer?
390
00:13:25,458 --> 00:13:27,291
I tried setting it up,
but the latest software update
391
00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:29,360
basically made it
incompatible with our computer.
392
00:13:29,429 --> 00:13:31,195
So we wasted 150 bucks
393
00:13:31,264 --> 00:13:33,297
because you didn't set up
a printer for two years?!
394
00:13:33,366 --> 00:13:35,333
- Is this guy bothering you?
- She's fine.
395
00:13:35,402 --> 00:13:36,334
I'm not talking to you.
396
00:13:36,403 --> 00:13:38,036
Adam, this is Greg.
397
00:13:38,104 --> 00:13:39,771
Oh, as in "husband Greg"?
398
00:13:39,839 --> 00:13:42,807
Mm-hmm. He's buying a new printer.
399
00:13:42,876 --> 00:13:44,475
[SCOFFS] He couldn't get
the old one set up?
400
00:13:44,544 --> 00:13:46,044
- Mnh-mnh.
- Who is this?
401
00:13:46,112 --> 00:13:48,079
You had two years!
402
00:13:48,148 --> 00:13:50,181
That printer was in the box
for two years.
403
00:13:50,250 --> 00:13:51,916
She even couldn't print out
a single recipe.
404
00:13:51,985 --> 00:13:53,384
What's happening right now?
405
00:13:53,453 --> 00:13:56,087
Everything she does for you,
and you call her a "nag"?!
406
00:13:56,156 --> 00:13:58,056
I never called her a nag.
I said she was nagging.
407
00:13:58,124 --> 00:13:59,457
Oh, semantics!
408
00:13:59,526 --> 00:14:00,792
You are a saint.
409
00:14:00,860 --> 00:14:02,560
This woman is a saint!
410
00:14:02,629 --> 00:14:03,728
I got it from here.
411
00:14:03,797 --> 00:14:05,463
Oh, I printed out
your sample invitations,
412
00:14:05,532 --> 00:14:08,066
and I used a font called "Samosas."
413
00:14:08,134 --> 00:14:09,300
Look at that, Greg.
414
00:14:09,369 --> 00:14:12,804
He was gone just a little less
than two years.
415
00:14:12,872 --> 00:14:14,439
Can we speak someplace
a little more private?
416
00:14:14,507 --> 00:14:16,741
Fine. Thank you, Adam.
417
00:14:16,810 --> 00:14:17,775
A saint!
418
00:14:17,844 --> 00:14:20,378
?
419
00:14:20,447 --> 00:14:24,082
You shared every detail of our
lives with the Hideaway guy?
420
00:14:24,150 --> 00:14:26,584
He has a name! Adam.
421
00:14:26,653 --> 00:14:27,919
Adam something.
422
00:14:27,987 --> 00:14:30,855
Do you know how infuriating this is?
423
00:14:30,924 --> 00:14:31,923
What are you doing?
424
00:14:31,991 --> 00:14:33,458
I don't know.
425
00:14:33,526 --> 00:14:34,926
We're fighting in front of a bed.
It just felt right.
426
00:14:34,994 --> 00:14:36,094
ANNA-KAT: Mama!
427
00:14:36,162 --> 00:14:37,562
Oh, Katie. Thank God.
428
00:14:37,630 --> 00:14:38,830
How did you find me?
429
00:14:38,898 --> 00:14:40,198
VIV: Oh, it was easy.
430
00:14:40,266 --> 00:14:41,933
I called the cellphone people,
pretended I was you,
431
00:14:42,001 --> 00:14:43,267
got your password,
signed into your account,
432
00:14:43,336 --> 00:14:44,736
and searched for your phone, and boom.
433
00:14:44,804 --> 00:14:46,404
But that's not important.
434
00:14:46,473 --> 00:14:49,540
Your kids need a mom, and it is not me.
435
00:14:49,609 --> 00:14:51,609
Any chance you found
my volleyball jersey?
436
00:14:51,678 --> 00:14:53,845
Yeah, it's crumpled up
on the floor over there
437
00:14:53,913 --> 00:14:55,613
with my happiness and any semblance
438
00:14:55,682 --> 00:14:57,415
of me having a life outside you people.
439
00:14:57,484 --> 00:14:59,684
Ah. Oh, cool. [CHUCKLES]
440
00:14:59,753 --> 00:15:01,216
[SIGHS]
441
00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:06,341
Mom, did you accidentally get me
the drowsy stuff?
442
00:15:06,380 --> 00:15:08,446
No way. I drugged you on purpose.
443
00:15:08,515 --> 00:15:11,616
Now close your eyes and let
the medicine work its magic.
444
00:15:11,685 --> 00:15:13,885
I need toothpicks
for Anna-Kat's project.
445
00:15:13,954 --> 00:15:15,153
- Where are they?
- Aisle J5.
446
00:15:15,222 --> 00:15:16,554
- J5.
- Mm-hmm.
447
00:15:16,623 --> 00:15:19,024
Now the world is just messing with me.
448
00:15:19,092 --> 00:15:20,558
Now, relax.
449
00:15:20,627 --> 00:15:23,662
Your jersey was on your desk chair.
450
00:15:23,730 --> 00:15:25,964
Then where did it go?
451
00:15:26,033 --> 00:15:27,866
- It was on my chair...
- Mm-hmm.
452
00:15:27,934 --> 00:15:30,101
- ...and then my chair fell...
- Mm.
453
00:15:30,170 --> 00:15:32,771
...and it knocked over a Frappuccino,
454
00:15:32,839 --> 00:15:34,673
so I had to use my jersey to mop it up.
455
00:15:34,741 --> 00:15:37,509
Where? On the carpet?
456
00:15:37,577 --> 00:15:38,543
Did it stain?
457
00:15:38,612 --> 00:15:40,345
- I knew you'd be mad...
- Mm-hmm.
458
00:15:40,414 --> 00:15:43,315
...so I shoved my jersey
underneath my mattress
459
00:15:43,383 --> 00:15:44,416
to hide the evidence.
460
00:15:44,484 --> 00:15:45,850
It's underneath my mattress!
461
00:15:45,919 --> 00:15:46,985
You did it, Mom!
462
00:15:47,054 --> 00:15:50,422
How is someone so cute so disgusting?
463
00:15:50,490 --> 00:15:52,090
[CHUCKLES]
464
00:15:58,932 --> 00:16:01,599
Parenting is not easy.
465
00:16:01,668 --> 00:16:03,034
Don't beat yourself up.
466
00:16:03,103 --> 00:16:04,436
You did your best.
467
00:16:04,504 --> 00:16:06,171
It's a tough gig.
468
00:16:06,239 --> 00:16:07,472
Well, not for you.
469
00:16:07,541 --> 00:16:09,641
Within five minutes,
you knew how to deal
470
00:16:09,710 --> 00:16:11,509
with every single one of their problems.
471
00:16:11,578 --> 00:16:14,646
Sure, only because I'm incredible.
472
00:16:14,715 --> 00:16:16,648
But not everyone can do it.
473
00:16:16,717 --> 00:16:18,083
And that is a good thing.
474
00:16:18,151 --> 00:16:19,884
You tried it, it doesn't suit you,
475
00:16:19,953 --> 00:16:21,519
so now you know
you're one of those people
476
00:16:21,588 --> 00:16:23,521
that's just not meant to be a mom.
477
00:16:23,590 --> 00:16:25,457
[SIGHS] I think I'm pregnant.
478
00:16:26,793 --> 00:16:27,759
What?
479
00:16:27,828 --> 00:16:28,993
I'm two weeks late.
480
00:16:29,062 --> 00:16:30,695
Could it be perimenopau...
481
00:16:30,764 --> 00:16:32,297
Shut your whole mouth!
482
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:34,666
What did the test say?
483
00:16:34,735 --> 00:16:36,568
I haven't taken one.
I'm freaking out, Katie.
484
00:16:36,636 --> 00:16:38,169
- I'm freaking out.
- [SIGHS]
485
00:16:39,272 --> 00:16:41,039
I need you to go get a pregnancy test
486
00:16:41,108 --> 00:16:42,433
and meet us over at the bathrooms.
487
00:16:42,519 --> 00:16:45,343
- [GASPS] Really?
- Not for me. For Viv.
488
00:16:45,412 --> 00:16:46,578
Oh. Really?
489
00:16:46,646 --> 00:16:47,912
Mm-hmm.
490
00:16:47,981 --> 00:16:49,914
Oh, God.
491
00:16:51,585 --> 00:16:54,085
Aah! Well...
492
00:16:54,154 --> 00:16:55,653
[SINGSONG VOICE] I'm not pregnant.
493
00:16:55,722 --> 00:16:56,755
Oh! I knew it.
494
00:16:56,823 --> 00:16:58,390
You dodged a huge bullet.
495
00:16:58,458 --> 00:17:00,158
Thank God.
496
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:01,359
Viv...
497
00:17:01,428 --> 00:17:02,594
there's a "plus."
498
00:17:02,662 --> 00:17:04,662
Yeah, plus. Good news.
499
00:17:04,731 --> 00:17:07,399
- Mnh-mnh.
- It doesn't go by your mood.
500
00:17:07,467 --> 00:17:10,335
Positive means pregnant.
501
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:12,670
?
502
00:17:12,739 --> 00:17:15,306
- I'm pregnant?
- Mm-hmm.
503
00:17:17,411 --> 00:17:19,811
[LAUGHTER]
504
00:17:19,880 --> 00:17:22,480
Sorry. It says "press me."
505
00:17:22,549 --> 00:17:25,617
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
506
00:17:25,685 --> 00:17:27,018
Today made me realize
507
00:17:27,087 --> 00:17:29,954
that I have no idea what to do
with a kid, and I never will.
508
00:17:30,023 --> 00:17:33,258
Just so you know, Viv,
before Taylor was born,
509
00:17:33,326 --> 00:17:36,094
I was exactly where you are right now.
510
00:17:36,163 --> 00:17:37,896
Skinny and super attractive?
511
00:17:37,964 --> 00:17:40,331
Well, yeah, but I mean emotionally.
512
00:17:41,601 --> 00:17:44,769
I never thought that I was mom material.
513
00:17:44,838 --> 00:17:45,837
That's right.
514
00:17:45,906 --> 00:17:47,172
When Katie was 9 months pregnant,
515
00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:48,339
she looked me dead in the eye and said,
516
00:17:48,408 --> 00:17:49,441
"I can't do this.
517
00:17:49,509 --> 00:17:51,142
It's all yours.
518
00:17:51,211 --> 00:17:53,077
Raise it. Good luck.
519
00:17:53,146 --> 00:17:54,813
Call me if she becomes a famous athlete
520
00:17:54,881 --> 00:17:57,115
so I can get in on
that endorsement money."
521
00:17:57,184 --> 00:17:59,184
But the minute
she held Taylor in her arms,
522
00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:00,418
that mom switch turned on.
523
00:18:00,487 --> 00:18:01,653
Knot.
524
00:18:01,721 --> 00:18:03,455
And today is a reminder
525
00:18:03,523 --> 00:18:07,058
that once your mom switch
is turned on...
526
00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:08,460
it's always on.
527
00:18:08,528 --> 00:18:10,428
Even when you're hiding out
from your family
528
00:18:10,497 --> 00:18:11,963
at your favorite big-box retailer.
529
00:18:12,032 --> 00:18:14,833
But what if I don't
have a mom switch at all?
530
00:18:17,838 --> 00:18:19,904
I just... I need a minute.
531
00:18:22,209 --> 00:18:24,375
["PAC-MAN" DEATH NOISE PLAYS]
532
00:18:24,444 --> 00:18:26,110
"Press me."
533
00:18:26,179 --> 00:18:31,583
?
534
00:18:31,651 --> 00:18:33,585
[SCANNER BEEPING]
535
00:18:33,653 --> 00:18:35,787
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
536
00:18:35,856 --> 00:18:36,921
How are you doing?
537
00:18:36,990 --> 00:18:39,390
I've never been more scared in my life.
538
00:18:41,728 --> 00:18:43,294
Can you help me find my mommy?
539
00:18:43,363 --> 00:18:45,430
Oh. Um...
540
00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:47,298
Well, there's a security guard
over there.
541
00:18:47,367 --> 00:18:48,833
I'm sure he can probably help you.
542
00:18:48,902 --> 00:18:51,536
No, the family rule is
if you ever get lost,
543
00:18:51,605 --> 00:18:53,605
go ask another mommy for help.
544
00:18:53,673 --> 00:18:56,241
You think I'm a mommy?
545
00:18:57,577 --> 00:18:59,811
[WHISPERING] She thinks I'm a mommy!
546
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:03,448
[GASPS] Yes, of course, I can help you.
547
00:19:03,517 --> 00:19:05,350
You're so pretty!
548
00:19:05,418 --> 00:19:07,452
Do you think I'm pretty?
549
00:19:09,789 --> 00:19:13,458
I think we just saw Viv's
mom switch get turned on.
550
00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:14,826
How do you think she'll do?
551
00:19:14,895 --> 00:19:15,860
Ugh.
552
00:19:15,929 --> 00:19:16,961
If that horrible troll Heather
553
00:19:17,030 --> 00:19:18,129
can have four of them, anyone can.
554
00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:19,297
Who's Heather?
555
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:21,966
Oh, sorry.
556
00:19:22,035 --> 00:19:23,067
Wrong husband.
557
00:19:29,870 --> 00:19:33,158
So, you just let Greg
buy another printer
558
00:19:33,184 --> 00:19:34,751
that he's never gonna set up?
559
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:36,600
Don't you take that tone with her.
560
00:19:36,669 --> 00:19:38,602
It was her only move.
The woman needs to print.
561
00:19:38,671 --> 00:19:40,004
We know.
562
00:19:40,072 --> 00:19:41,839
We've had to hear about Greg's
technical incompetence
563
00:19:41,907 --> 00:19:44,140
for the last two years.
564
00:19:44,522 --> 00:19:47,186
You've known about this for two years?
565
00:19:47,249 --> 00:19:48,649
What kind of friends are you
566
00:19:48,684 --> 00:19:50,250
that you didn't step in
and do something?
567
00:19:50,286 --> 00:19:51,785
This woman is a saint!
568
00:19:51,820 --> 00:19:53,754
Adam, it's okay. They're the good guys.
569
00:19:53,789 --> 00:19:55,756
Well, they should start acting like it!
570
00:19:56,725 --> 00:19:58,058
Wait.
571
00:19:58,093 --> 00:19:59,993
- You ordered the pancakes, not the waffles.
- Mm-hmm.
572
00:20:00,029 --> 00:20:01,962
Where's that waiter?
573
00:20:01,997 --> 00:20:04,565
Hey! You!
574
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,400
This is not gonna be a regular thing.
575
00:20:06,492 --> 00:20:07,901
Yep. Yep. Understood.
576
00:20:07,937 --> 00:20:09,636
You need to apologize right now.
577
00:20:09,672 --> 00:20:10,935
She ordered blueberry pancakes
578
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:12,947
with a dusting of powdered sugar.
579
00:20:12,971 --> 00:20:14,419
A dusting!
580
00:20:14,469 --> 00:20:19,019
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