Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,211 --> 00:00:02,211
?
2
00:00:03,312 --> 00:00:05,512
[SNORTING]
3
00:00:05,617 --> 00:00:08,318
KATIE: Ooh! Looks like Santa forgot one.
4
00:00:08,386 --> 00:00:10,286
[GASPS] Presents!
5
00:00:10,355 --> 00:00:12,155
[CHUCKLES]
6
00:00:12,224 --> 00:00:15,225
Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
7
00:00:15,293 --> 00:00:17,026
You look handsome in your new outfit.
8
00:00:17,095 --> 00:00:19,095
Really? 'Cause I risked it this
year and went full mannequin.
9
00:00:19,164 --> 00:00:21,498
Whatever the mannequin
was wearing, I bought.
10
00:00:21,566 --> 00:00:23,833
Everybody freeze! You know the drill.
11
00:00:23,902 --> 00:00:26,703
First we build a fire,
then we have a big breakfast,
12
00:00:26,771 --> 00:00:29,105
then Dad gives his "True Meaning
of Christmas" speech, then...
13
00:00:29,174 --> 00:00:30,607
Oliver cuts me off and says...
14
00:00:30,675 --> 00:00:32,709
- Can we just get to the presents?
- And then you say...
15
00:00:32,777 --> 00:00:34,177
Don't make me hit you on Christmas.
16
00:00:34,246 --> 00:00:36,579
And then I finish the speech,
and we all open presents.
17
00:00:36,648 --> 00:00:39,048
And that's our family tradition.
18
00:00:39,117 --> 00:00:41,482
All we need is Dad's seasonal
hypochondria to kick in.
19
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,786
Ha, ha. It's not hypochondria if it's real.
20
00:00:43,855 --> 00:00:45,455
My hands are definitely tingling.
21
00:00:45,524 --> 00:00:46,656
It feels like carpal tunnel
22
00:00:46,725 --> 00:00:48,024
from wrapping all those presents
last night.
23
00:00:48,093 --> 00:00:50,193
Or maybe it's arthritis.
My nanna had hands like this.
24
00:00:50,262 --> 00:00:53,263
It's not arthritis. Taylor's right.
25
00:00:53,331 --> 00:00:55,632
Your hypochondria flares up
every Christmas
26
00:00:55,700 --> 00:00:57,634
because you know all
the doctors' offices are closed.
27
00:00:57,702 --> 00:00:59,235
There's always Dr. Weber
down the street.
28
00:00:59,304 --> 00:01:00,436
He retired and moved to Oregon.
29
00:01:00,505 --> 00:01:01,971
He just euthanizes people now.
30
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:04,107
Let's just get through
these stupid traditions...
31
00:01:05,677 --> 00:01:07,862
...that are so meaningful.
32
00:01:07,940 --> 00:01:12,982
?
33
00:01:13,051 --> 00:01:18,821
?
34
00:01:18,890 --> 00:01:20,490
The crackle of the fireplace,
35
00:01:20,559 --> 00:01:22,125
the smell of apples and cinnamon,
36
00:01:22,194 --> 00:01:25,428
snow on the windowsill are all
what make Christmas special.
37
00:01:25,497 --> 00:01:26,863
- But...
- But the people in this room...
38
00:01:26,932 --> 00:01:28,398
that's what makes Christmas
the most special of all.
39
00:01:28,466 --> 00:01:29,566
Presents!
40
00:01:31,102 --> 00:01:33,703
I hope Santa brought me
volume two of "The Big Finish:
41
00:01:33,772 --> 00:01:36,306
Rich, Famous, and How They Died."
42
00:01:36,374 --> 00:01:38,241
I practically memorized volume one.
43
00:01:38,310 --> 00:01:39,576
Attila the Hun got drunk
44
00:01:39,644 --> 00:01:41,744
and died of a nosebleed
on his wedding night.
45
00:01:41,813 --> 00:01:44,347
He drowned in his own blood.
46
00:01:44,416 --> 00:01:46,216
[SCOFFS] Attila...
47
00:01:46,284 --> 00:01:47,717
Where are my ballet tickets?
48
00:01:47,786 --> 00:01:51,154
Envelope or are they just trying
to trick me with the big box?
49
00:01:51,223 --> 00:01:52,989
I hope love is in one of these packages,
50
00:01:53,058 --> 00:01:55,525
because I don't have any
since Eyo and I broke up.
51
00:01:55,594 --> 00:01:57,360
I hope a muzzle is in one
of those packages.
52
00:01:57,429 --> 00:02:01,130
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
53
00:02:01,199 --> 00:02:02,632
What's making that noise?
54
00:02:02,701 --> 00:02:04,701
It sounds familiar.
55
00:02:04,769 --> 00:02:05,902
It's the landline!
56
00:02:05,971 --> 00:02:07,203
No one calls the landline unless...
57
00:02:07,272 --> 00:02:08,504
Somebody's dead.
58
00:02:08,573 --> 00:02:10,139
Or it's that computer
that tries to trick you
59
00:02:10,208 --> 00:02:11,441
into thinking it's a real person.
60
00:02:11,509 --> 00:02:12,575
"Hi, this is Amy.
61
00:02:12,644 --> 00:02:14,143
Give me a moment to adjust my headset."
62
00:02:14,212 --> 00:02:15,445
She gets me every time.
63
00:02:15,513 --> 00:02:16,913
- [RINGING STOPS]
- Nobody move!
64
00:02:16,982 --> 00:02:19,949
The tradition is,
we open presents together.
65
00:02:20,018 --> 00:02:21,317
[ALL GROAN]
66
00:02:21,386 --> 00:02:22,585
Hello?
67
00:02:22,654 --> 00:02:24,721
Drugs! Give me drugs, you hack!
68
00:02:24,789 --> 00:02:26,256
- Doris?
- Oh, finally.
69
00:02:26,324 --> 00:02:27,357
Katie, where are you?!
70
00:02:27,425 --> 00:02:29,125
I've been texting you like crazy!
71
00:02:29,194 --> 00:02:30,560
I didn't get any...
72
00:02:30,629 --> 00:02:32,195
Oh.
73
00:02:32,264 --> 00:02:34,330
I'm in labor, and I'm all alone!
74
00:02:34,399 --> 00:02:35,632
Where's your family?
75
00:02:35,700 --> 00:02:37,600
Aspen. I wasn't due
for another two weeks,
76
00:02:37,669 --> 00:02:40,003
so I sent everybody out of town
because I'm huge,
77
00:02:40,071 --> 00:02:42,705
and my body's producing a gas
that made our dog run away.
78
00:02:42,774 --> 00:02:43,906
Okay, well, what do you want me to do?
79
00:02:43,975 --> 00:02:45,408
Get your butt over here.
80
00:02:45,477 --> 00:02:47,844
I'm not giving birth alone
like some teenage crack whore.
81
00:02:47,912 --> 00:02:49,386
I'll be right there.
We just need to open...
82
00:02:49,448 --> 00:02:52,148
- Now!
- Okay, I'm coming.
83
00:02:52,217 --> 00:02:54,484
Doris is having a baby.
84
00:02:54,552 --> 00:02:58,154
Nobody touches anything.
Christmas is on hold.
85
00:02:58,223 --> 00:02:59,455
[ALL GROAN]
86
00:02:59,524 --> 00:03:00,690
Don't worry. It's her fourth.
87
00:03:00,759 --> 00:03:02,992
Hopefully, it'll slide right out.
88
00:03:03,061 --> 00:03:05,928
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
89
00:03:08,153 --> 00:03:11,020
Mom, you can't go anywhere.
We have to open our presents.
90
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,824
No! Not until I get back.
91
00:03:12,895 --> 00:03:14,361
This is madness!
92
00:03:14,430 --> 00:03:15,395
Do my hands look blue to you?
93
00:03:15,464 --> 00:03:16,563
You're perfectly fine.
94
00:03:16,632 --> 00:03:18,532
And under no circumstances
are you to try
95
00:03:18,601 --> 00:03:19,700
to diagnose yourself online.
96
00:03:19,768 --> 00:03:20,701
You know what happens.
97
00:03:20,769 --> 00:03:22,636
?
98
00:03:22,705 --> 00:03:24,504
Do my eyes look yellow to you?
99
00:03:24,573 --> 00:03:26,073
I feel like my liver isn't working.
100
00:03:27,476 --> 00:03:30,177
My poop is floating.
101
00:03:30,245 --> 00:03:31,678
I'm pretty sure my pancreas
is shutting down.
102
00:03:31,747 --> 00:03:33,080
Take a look.
103
00:03:34,583 --> 00:03:35,816
I smell burnt toast,
104
00:03:35,884 --> 00:03:36,783
so I think I'm having a stroke.
105
00:03:36,852 --> 00:03:38,085
That's regular toast.
106
00:03:38,153 --> 00:03:39,653
I'm smelling stroke toast.
107
00:03:41,390 --> 00:03:42,522
I hear you,
108
00:03:42,591 --> 00:03:44,558
but let me Google my symptoms just once.
I'll even take Bing.
109
00:03:44,627 --> 00:03:45,963
Let me Bing my symptoms.
110
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:47,661
No Internet.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
111
00:03:47,730 --> 00:03:48,795
And no matter what,
112
00:03:48,864 --> 00:03:50,631
do not let them open their presents.
113
00:03:50,699 --> 00:03:55,702
?
114
00:03:55,771 --> 00:04:00,807
?
115
00:04:00,876 --> 00:04:03,176
I can't believe you have to lock
our presents up in your office
116
00:04:03,245 --> 00:04:04,778
because you don't trust us.
117
00:04:04,847 --> 00:04:06,013
Is that where we're at, Dad?
118
00:04:11,153 --> 00:04:12,386
That's where I'm at.
119
00:04:12,454 --> 00:04:13,754
I just want to make sure
that's where you were at, too.
120
00:04:13,822 --> 00:04:16,723
Out. Out. Out!
121
00:04:18,260 --> 00:04:20,527
No presents. No boyfriend.
122
00:04:20,596 --> 00:04:21,662
[SIGHS]
123
00:04:21,730 --> 00:04:24,031
Being single on the holidays is so hard.
124
00:04:24,099 --> 00:04:25,932
Some problems Santa can't even fix.
125
00:04:26,001 --> 00:04:29,069
Reel it in, Adele.
I've got my own stuff.
126
00:04:29,138 --> 00:04:30,570
I need to know if I got those tickets
127
00:04:30,647 --> 00:04:32,503
- to "The Nutcracker."
- Why?
128
00:04:32,542 --> 00:04:34,975
So you can take that girl
from your ballet class?
129
00:04:35,044 --> 00:04:36,076
Yes.
130
00:04:36,145 --> 00:04:37,978
Ooh, you like her?
131
00:04:38,047 --> 00:04:40,414
- I think I do.
- Knock it off.
132
00:04:40,483 --> 00:04:42,116
How am I supposed to tease you
when you're acting this way?
133
00:04:43,352 --> 00:04:44,385
Have you asked her yet?
134
00:04:44,454 --> 00:04:47,655
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]
135
00:04:47,723 --> 00:04:48,789
So, I was wondering...
136
00:04:48,858 --> 00:04:49,957
What?
137
00:04:50,026 --> 00:04:53,828
?
138
00:04:53,896 --> 00:04:55,129
I've got no game.
139
00:04:55,198 --> 00:04:56,564
It's just so frustrating
140
00:04:56,632 --> 00:04:57,932
because I'm agile,
141
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,768
I'm smart, the face is working.
142
00:05:00,837 --> 00:05:01,836
Let me help you.
143
00:05:01,904 --> 00:05:03,270
Why would you do that?
144
00:05:03,339 --> 00:05:05,039
Because I have no love this Christmas,
145
00:05:05,107 --> 00:05:07,174
but maybe with my guidance, you can.
146
00:05:07,243 --> 00:05:09,109
Pretend I'm Gina. Ask me out.
147
00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:11,879
Go sell "Flowers in the Attic"
someplace else.
148
00:05:11,948 --> 00:05:13,547
I'm just gonna tape the ticket
to her door
149
00:05:13,616 --> 00:05:15,216
and hope she shows up
to the performance.
150
00:05:15,284 --> 00:05:16,450
But first, I need the tickets.
151
00:05:16,519 --> 00:05:17,751
I have an idea.
152
00:05:17,820 --> 00:05:19,787
We take a cobra, put it under the door,
153
00:05:19,856 --> 00:05:23,090
Dad comes running out,
we go in and get the presents.
154
00:05:23,159 --> 00:05:24,425
Where are you gonna get a cobra?
155
00:05:24,494 --> 00:05:26,660
I asked Santa for one, and...
156
00:05:26,729 --> 00:05:28,362
Wait a second.
157
00:05:28,431 --> 00:05:29,964
That's not gonna work.
158
00:05:30,032 --> 00:05:32,666
The cobra's in one of the
presents in Dad's office.
159
00:05:32,735 --> 00:05:34,101
I feel stupid.
160
00:05:34,170 --> 00:05:39,240
?
161
00:05:39,308 --> 00:05:44,378
?
162
00:05:44,447 --> 00:05:45,613
This...
163
00:05:45,681 --> 00:05:46,981
is a hospital room?
164
00:05:47,049 --> 00:05:48,182
The deluxe suite.
165
00:05:48,251 --> 00:05:50,150
News flash... rich people live better.
166
00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:51,852
Doris, my family's waiting on me.
167
00:05:51,921 --> 00:05:53,254
When are Richard and the kids
getting here?
168
00:05:53,322 --> 00:05:54,822
Ugh. Their flight's delayed.
169
00:05:54,891 --> 00:05:56,624
Angela's texting with him for updates.
170
00:05:56,692 --> 00:05:58,459
ANGELA: Hi, Katie.
171
00:05:58,528 --> 00:06:00,227
Angela?
172
00:06:00,296 --> 00:06:02,329
Hi! How's Vermont?
173
00:06:02,398 --> 00:06:03,731
Well, it really would be great
174
00:06:03,799 --> 00:06:05,366
if I wasn't spending it with my ex
175
00:06:05,434 --> 00:06:07,568
and her parents
who were already mad at me
176
00:06:07,637 --> 00:06:08,903
for "turning her gay."
177
00:06:08,971 --> 00:06:10,204
[SCOFFS] When I met her,
178
00:06:10,273 --> 00:06:11,906
she owned a pit bull named
Tracy Chapman...
179
00:06:11,974 --> 00:06:13,941
The seeds were planted.
I just watered them.
180
00:06:14,010 --> 00:06:16,343
Well, at least this Christmas
is gonna be exciting
181
00:06:16,412 --> 00:06:18,579
because Doris is having a baby.
182
00:06:18,648 --> 00:06:21,348
No, I am not. No Christmas baby.
183
00:06:21,417 --> 00:06:23,250
Christmas is my favorite day
out of the year,
184
00:06:23,319 --> 00:06:25,185
and I'm not gonna let this thing
spoil it.
185
00:06:25,254 --> 00:06:27,655
I ruin my kids' lives.
They don't ruin mine!
186
00:06:28,925 --> 00:06:30,925
I'm keeping this thing in
until midnight.
187
00:06:30,993 --> 00:06:32,860
Uh, if it's not healthy
to hold in your pee,
188
00:06:32,929 --> 00:06:34,728
I can't imagine it's healthy
to hold in a baby.
189
00:06:34,797 --> 00:06:36,964
- [SCOFFS]
- [RINGTONE PLAYS]
190
00:06:39,068 --> 00:06:40,234
[GROANS]
191
00:06:40,303 --> 00:06:43,571
Hey, honey.
I'm gonna be here for a while.
192
00:06:43,639 --> 00:06:45,472
- [POUNDING ON DOOR]
- No, no. You need to come home right now.
193
00:06:45,541 --> 00:06:46,807
The kids are driving me crazy.
194
00:06:46,876 --> 00:06:50,210
I can't come home yet.
Doris' family is delayed.
195
00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:51,579
What's that noise?
196
00:06:51,647 --> 00:06:53,013
Our children demanding their presents.
197
00:06:53,082 --> 00:06:55,716
TAYLOR: Dad! Anna-Kat fell down,
and she's bleeding!
198
00:06:55,785 --> 00:06:57,484
You need to come out here now!
199
00:07:00,256 --> 00:07:02,222
Slide something under the door
with her blood on it.
200
00:07:04,126 --> 00:07:06,427
ANNA-KAT: Open the damn door, Greg!
201
00:07:06,495 --> 00:07:08,295
I'm seeing a very upsetting side
of our children.
202
00:07:08,364 --> 00:07:09,964
- I'm gonna let them open the presents.
- No way.
203
00:07:10,032 --> 00:07:13,000
The family tradition is that
we open presents together...
204
00:07:13,069 --> 00:07:15,836
breakfast, fireplace, speech, presents.
205
00:07:15,905 --> 00:07:17,938
That's really your tradition
that you grew up with.
206
00:07:18,007 --> 00:07:20,107
Maybe our new tradition
should be more "casual fun"
207
00:07:20,176 --> 00:07:21,675
and less "desperate hostage situation."
208
00:07:21,744 --> 00:07:23,744
No. A desperate hostage situation
209
00:07:23,813 --> 00:07:25,312
is what Christmas is all about.
210
00:07:25,381 --> 00:07:27,948
Why do you think "Die Hard"
is a stone-cold classic?
211
00:07:28,017 --> 00:07:30,484
Well, what am I supposed to do if we can't
open our gifts until we're all together?
212
00:07:30,553 --> 00:07:32,553
Figure it out!
213
00:07:32,578 --> 00:07:33,520
[POUNDING CONTINUES]
214
00:07:33,589 --> 00:07:40,260
?
215
00:07:40,329 --> 00:07:42,096
Oh, look at all those presents.
216
00:07:42,164 --> 00:07:43,530
The pediatric ward is this way.
217
00:07:43,599 --> 00:07:45,733
Oh. No.
218
00:07:45,801 --> 00:07:47,101
These are for us.
219
00:07:48,504 --> 00:07:49,937
[QUIETLY] Let's go.
220
00:07:52,708 --> 00:07:55,809
[MEDITATION MUSIC PLAYS]
221
00:08:00,416 --> 00:08:01,382
[MUSIC STOPS]
222
00:08:01,450 --> 00:08:03,384
Doris, if poor people found out
223
00:08:03,452 --> 00:08:04,752
that this is how the 1% give birth,
224
00:08:04,820 --> 00:08:06,987
they would drown you
in your own cucumber water.
225
00:08:07,056 --> 00:08:08,155
You may be right,
226
00:08:08,224 --> 00:08:09,823
but one of the benefits
of being in the 1%
227
00:08:09,892 --> 00:08:11,692
is we don't care.
228
00:08:11,761 --> 00:08:12,926
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
229
00:08:12,995 --> 00:08:15,129
- Whoa.
- Hi, Mama.
230
00:08:15,197 --> 00:08:16,697
What are you guys doing here?
231
00:08:16,766 --> 00:08:19,066
You told me to figure it out,
so here we are,
232
00:08:19,135 --> 00:08:21,669
all together,
Christmas tradition intact.
233
00:08:21,737 --> 00:08:22,836
Greg, this is not the tradition.
234
00:08:22,905 --> 00:08:24,672
The tradition is, we open our presents
235
00:08:24,740 --> 00:08:26,040
in front of the fireplace.
236
00:08:26,108 --> 00:08:27,274
There's a fireplace.
237
00:08:27,343 --> 00:08:28,776
What? Where?
238
00:08:28,844 --> 00:08:31,578
In the parlor. Taylor.
239
00:08:31,647 --> 00:08:32,780
?
240
00:08:32,848 --> 00:08:34,415
Whoa.
241
00:08:36,686 --> 00:08:37,885
[SIGHS]
242
00:08:39,555 --> 00:08:41,922
I like the way ya live, lady.
243
00:08:41,991 --> 00:08:44,725
?
244
00:08:47,686 --> 00:08:49,435
Okay. It's Christmas.
245
00:08:49,483 --> 00:08:50,533
And we're all together.
246
00:08:50,596 --> 00:08:52,229
And there's a fireplace.
247
00:08:52,298 --> 00:08:54,131
Check, check, check.
248
00:08:54,199 --> 00:08:55,232
But we don't have breakfast.
249
00:08:56,602 --> 00:08:58,135
You can just order room service.
250
00:08:58,203 --> 00:09:00,604
We're not having hospital food
for Christmas breakfast.
251
00:09:00,673 --> 00:09:03,106
A nice breakfast...
that's our tradition.
252
00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:04,841
Nurse, what are the specials?
253
00:09:04,910 --> 00:09:07,244
Today, we have caviar on homemade blinis
254
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:08,512
with a dollop of cr�me fra�che
255
00:09:08,580 --> 00:09:10,947
or poached wild salmon with hollandaise
256
00:09:11,016 --> 00:09:12,582
and ricotta avocado crostini cups.
257
00:09:12,651 --> 00:09:15,252
Enough. Who wants to eat that slop?
258
00:09:15,321 --> 00:09:18,188
All right, Mom.
Now you're just making excuses.
259
00:09:18,257 --> 00:09:20,691
This is the nicest Christmas
we've ever had.
260
00:09:20,759 --> 00:09:22,192
It's a nicer room.
261
00:09:22,261 --> 00:09:23,994
It's better food.
262
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:25,128
We have our own waitress.
263
00:09:25,197 --> 00:09:27,097
Oh, I'm not a waitress. I'm a nurse.
264
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:28,465
[SCOFFS] Okay.
265
00:09:28,534 --> 00:09:30,200
Oh! You're a nurse.
Could you look at my hands?
266
00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:31,335
I think they're getting bluer.
267
00:09:31,403 --> 00:09:32,424
[MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY]
268
00:09:32,471 --> 00:09:34,237
Okay, I'm gonna need everyone
to step out now.
269
00:09:34,306 --> 00:09:35,822
You heard her. Everyone out.
270
00:09:35,870 --> 00:09:36,836
Your presents are gonna have to wait.
271
00:09:36,904 --> 00:09:38,604
And, Greg, your hands are fine.
272
00:09:38,673 --> 00:09:41,240
Doris has an actual medical emergency.
273
00:09:42,277 --> 00:09:44,443
Hey, is something wrong?
What's that thing beeping for?
274
00:09:44,512 --> 00:09:45,845
Everything's okay.
275
00:09:45,913 --> 00:09:47,613
Someone just unplugged
your fetal monitor
276
00:09:47,682 --> 00:09:49,015
and the backup battery ran low.
277
00:09:49,083 --> 00:09:51,150
Oh. Sorry, my bad.
278
00:09:51,219 --> 00:09:52,485
I was gonna charge my phone.
279
00:09:52,553 --> 00:09:54,820
?
280
00:09:54,889 --> 00:09:56,055
Maybe Mom's right.
281
00:09:56,124 --> 00:09:57,590
Maybe I'm just making myself crazy.
282
00:09:57,659 --> 00:09:59,825
Al Capone thought he was going crazy,
283
00:09:59,894 --> 00:10:02,762
but in reality,
it was the syphilitic dementia.
284
00:10:02,830 --> 00:10:03,929
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
285
00:10:03,998 --> 00:10:05,364
You know, if you want to ask Gina out,
286
00:10:05,433 --> 00:10:07,500
you should practice first
by asking someone else out.
287
00:10:07,568 --> 00:10:08,634
Who?
288
00:10:08,703 --> 00:10:10,236
Anyone.
289
00:10:10,305 --> 00:10:11,537
How about her?
290
00:10:11,606 --> 00:10:13,072
Are you nuts?
291
00:10:13,141 --> 00:10:14,373
She's like 80.
292
00:10:14,442 --> 00:10:16,108
It's not like
she's gonna go out with you.
293
00:10:16,177 --> 00:10:17,810
It's just practice
getting the words out.
294
00:10:17,879 --> 00:10:20,813
Just go up there, be charming,
make her laugh.
295
00:10:20,882 --> 00:10:23,482
Eyo and I used to laugh all the time.
296
00:10:23,551 --> 00:10:24,917
Maybe we were meant to be together,
297
00:10:24,986 --> 00:10:26,552
and I just threw it all away.
298
00:10:26,621 --> 00:10:28,354
Maybe he's my soul mate, and I...
299
00:10:28,423 --> 00:10:29,789
All right. All right. You win.
300
00:10:29,857 --> 00:10:31,223
I can't listen to this.
301
00:10:31,292 --> 00:10:33,326
I'm gonna take a run
at the granny in the gift shop.
302
00:10:35,096 --> 00:10:43,135
?
303
00:10:43,204 --> 00:10:46,872
Hi. Um...
304
00:10:46,941 --> 00:10:49,375
If you don't have anything to do,
305
00:10:49,444 --> 00:10:52,411
would you like to...
306
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:54,380
sell me this license-plate key chain?
307
00:10:54,449 --> 00:10:56,816
Sure...
308
00:10:56,884 --> 00:10:58,084
Larry.
309
00:10:59,454 --> 00:11:00,619
So?
310
00:11:00,688 --> 00:11:01,987
Great advice.
311
00:11:02,056 --> 00:11:04,256
My confidence
is officially in the toilet.
312
00:11:04,325 --> 00:11:07,893
And I just spent like $8
on a license-plate key chain.
313
00:11:07,962 --> 00:11:10,396
Eyo's car had a license plate.
314
00:11:10,465 --> 00:11:13,165
Hey, there's Andrew Wages.
315
00:11:13,234 --> 00:11:15,935
We do Revolutionary War
reenactments together.
316
00:11:17,305 --> 00:11:20,005
I'm gonna go say hi.
317
00:11:20,074 --> 00:11:21,741
Hey, Andrew. Merry Christmas.
318
00:11:21,809 --> 00:11:23,275
Oh. Hey, Greg.
319
00:11:23,344 --> 00:11:24,777
Bummer you have to work on Christmas.
320
00:11:24,846 --> 00:11:26,912
Ah, now you think I'm a terrible doctor.
321
00:11:26,981 --> 00:11:28,247
Well, I'm not.
322
00:11:28,316 --> 00:11:31,450
I just refuse to play
their political games!
323
00:11:31,519 --> 00:11:32,752
[SIGHS]
324
00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:34,053
Hey, what's going on with your hands?
325
00:11:34,122 --> 00:11:36,188
- Right?
- Yeah. They're bluish gray.
326
00:11:36,257 --> 00:11:37,356
That's what I've been saying!
327
00:11:37,425 --> 00:11:38,824
You know, that could be serious.
328
00:11:38,893 --> 00:11:40,626
I knew it could be serious!
329
00:11:40,695 --> 00:11:42,294
Wait. It could be serious?
330
00:11:42,363 --> 00:11:44,497
[BOTH EXHALING SLOWLY]
331
00:11:44,565 --> 00:11:46,565
It's all right. Just breathe.
332
00:11:46,634 --> 00:11:48,067
You're having another contraction.
333
00:11:48,136 --> 00:11:51,137
It's not just the contractions.
I'm having a fourth child.
334
00:11:51,205 --> 00:11:52,938
I told this thing not
to come out until tomorrow,
335
00:11:53,007 --> 00:11:54,840
and the son of a bitch
is already not listening to me.
336
00:11:54,909 --> 00:11:57,042
Uh, do you realize in that scenario,
337
00:11:57,111 --> 00:11:58,310
you just called yourself a bitch?
338
00:11:58,379 --> 00:11:59,645
Shut up, laptop.
339
00:11:59,714 --> 00:12:01,480
What am I doing having another child?
340
00:12:01,549 --> 00:12:03,382
I haven't done a very good job
with my first three.
341
00:12:03,451 --> 00:12:04,884
You have done a great job.
342
00:12:04,952 --> 00:12:06,118
My kids hate me.
343
00:12:06,187 --> 00:12:07,753
That's true.
I take back what I just said.
344
00:12:07,822 --> 00:12:09,889
It's 'cause you tiger-mom
the hell out of them.
345
00:12:09,957 --> 00:12:11,590
Think of baby number four
as an opportunity
346
00:12:11,659 --> 00:12:12,825
to do things differently.
347
00:12:12,894 --> 00:12:15,528
You mean I could, like...
validate its feelings,
348
00:12:15,596 --> 00:12:16,896
even if they're stupid?
349
00:12:16,964 --> 00:12:18,731
Yes. That's pretty much the job.
350
00:12:19,967 --> 00:12:22,435
We wanted to see if Doris was okay.
351
00:12:22,503 --> 00:12:23,769
You guys are so sweet.
352
00:12:23,838 --> 00:12:27,306
Yes, she and the baby
are perfectly fine.
353
00:12:27,375 --> 00:12:28,941
Presents!
354
00:12:31,312 --> 00:12:33,078
Okay.
355
00:12:33,147 --> 00:12:34,914
We got the breakfast.
356
00:12:34,982 --> 00:12:36,649
We got the fireplace.
357
00:12:36,717 --> 00:12:38,851
We're all together,
so we can open some...
358
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:40,352
Hang on. I don't see your dad.
359
00:12:40,421 --> 00:12:42,922
Oh, Dr. Wages took him
for some blood tests.
360
00:12:42,990 --> 00:12:44,890
What? That's not possible.
361
00:12:44,959 --> 00:12:47,159
He would've texted me.
362
00:12:47,228 --> 00:12:48,427
Oh.
363
00:12:48,496 --> 00:12:51,931
?
364
00:12:51,999 --> 00:12:53,098
Frankly, I can't believe
365
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:54,533
you ignored your symptoms for so long.
366
00:12:54,602 --> 00:12:55,801
[SIGHS]
367
00:12:55,870 --> 00:12:57,102
Katie, don't blame yourself,
368
00:12:57,171 --> 00:12:58,904
although that would be the
natural place for you to go.
369
00:12:58,973 --> 00:13:01,307
What do you think it is, Dr. Wages?
370
00:13:01,375 --> 00:13:02,675
Well, I can't be certain,
371
00:13:02,743 --> 00:13:05,511
but some of the symptoms
are consistent with gangrene.
372
00:13:05,580 --> 00:13:06,679
Are you serious?
373
00:13:06,747 --> 00:13:07,746
Deadly.
374
00:13:07,815 --> 00:13:09,915
- It's deadly?
- Oh. No. No, sorry.
375
00:13:09,984 --> 00:13:12,051
I just mean I'm really, really serious.
376
00:13:12,119 --> 00:13:13,586
You're not the first one to be confused.
377
00:13:13,654 --> 00:13:15,521
- Really got to stop doing that.
- Mm-hmm.
378
00:13:15,590 --> 00:13:17,590
Amputation is a far greater risk.
379
00:13:17,658 --> 00:13:19,592
I concur.
380
00:13:21,128 --> 00:13:23,062
My last Christmas with hands.
381
00:13:23,130 --> 00:13:25,798
?
382
00:13:28,752 --> 00:13:30,068
Look on the bright side...
383
00:13:30,114 --> 00:13:31,280
maybe you'll get hooks for hands.
384
00:13:31,315 --> 00:13:32,747
That'd be cool.
385
00:13:32,817 --> 00:13:34,917
Plus my friend, Dahlia,
might finally shut up
386
00:13:34,986 --> 00:13:36,686
about her dad's glass eye.
387
00:13:38,156 --> 00:13:40,556
[HUSHED] I don't want to have
hooks for hands.
388
00:13:40,625 --> 00:13:43,292
Why don't you guys go wait
with Anna-Kat in the hall?
389
00:13:45,263 --> 00:13:48,831
Sweetheart, stay calm.
You are not losing anything.
390
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:50,566
Your friend Doris says
she needs you right away.
391
00:13:50,635 --> 00:13:52,301
Don't worry.
392
00:13:52,370 --> 00:13:54,103
I'm gonna go explain the situation
to Doris and be right back.
393
00:13:54,172 --> 00:13:56,405
But you won't be alone.
394
00:13:56,474 --> 00:13:58,040
Hold on to Angela.
395
00:13:58,109 --> 00:13:59,408
Maybe for the last time.
396
00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:02,345
Hurry back, Katie.
397
00:14:03,614 --> 00:14:05,481
- [SIGHS]
- Is Dad gonna be okay?
398
00:14:05,550 --> 00:14:07,049
We're still waiting on the tests,
399
00:14:07,118 --> 00:14:08,684
but I don't want you guys to worry.
400
00:14:08,753 --> 00:14:10,453
Yeah, but if they have
to take the hands,
401
00:14:10,521 --> 00:14:11,921
could they replace them with, like,
402
00:14:11,990 --> 00:14:13,322
Go-Go-Gadget Hands?
403
00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:16,926
Like a whisk and an umbrella
404
00:14:16,995 --> 00:14:19,028
so he can make pancakes in the rain.
405
00:14:19,097 --> 00:14:21,230
That's an excellent silver lining.
406
00:14:21,299 --> 00:14:22,798
I'll be right back.
407
00:14:24,502 --> 00:14:25,735
Poor Dad.
408
00:14:25,803 --> 00:14:27,870
Life can change in an instant.
409
00:14:27,939 --> 00:14:29,405
I don't want to live with regrets.
410
00:14:29,474 --> 00:14:30,740
Me neither.
411
00:14:30,808 --> 00:14:33,242
I'm gonna call Eyo
and get back together.
412
00:14:33,311 --> 00:14:36,579
And I'm gonna go ask out
that for-sure-plays-ukulele lady
413
00:14:36,647 --> 00:14:37,780
who works in the gift shop.
414
00:14:37,849 --> 00:14:39,015
?
415
00:14:39,083 --> 00:14:41,017
You seem better.
416
00:14:41,085 --> 00:14:42,685
Did your drugs kick in?
417
00:14:42,754 --> 00:14:43,753
Totally.
418
00:14:43,821 --> 00:14:46,422
And now I see things so much clearer.
419
00:14:46,491 --> 00:14:49,825
So I may have made a few
mistakes with my first three.
420
00:14:49,894 --> 00:14:51,594
I'm gonna do better with this one.
421
00:14:51,662 --> 00:14:53,596
I'm taking a do-over.
422
00:14:53,664 --> 00:14:55,164
That's great, Doris.
423
00:14:55,233 --> 00:14:58,901
Now it's time to unclench
and let nature take its course.
424
00:14:58,970 --> 00:15:01,404
You're right. I love my Christmas baby.
425
00:15:01,472 --> 00:15:02,972
And I love these drugs.
426
00:15:03,041 --> 00:15:04,473
I'm glad you're in a good place,
427
00:15:04,542 --> 00:15:06,275
because I've been neglecting my family,
428
00:15:06,344 --> 00:15:07,510
and I need to get back to Greg.
[TAPS DORIS' LEG]
429
00:15:07,578 --> 00:15:09,078
Oh, no. No, no. Katie, don't go.
430
00:15:09,147 --> 00:15:11,614
Suck some of this stuff out of my I.V.
431
00:15:11,682 --> 00:15:13,149
and come on this ride with me.
432
00:15:13,217 --> 00:15:14,850
Got to go. Next baby!
433
00:15:14,919 --> 00:15:21,223
?
434
00:15:21,292 --> 00:15:23,592
Hi. I'm back.
435
00:15:23,661 --> 00:15:25,461
Seeing as it's Christmas and all,
436
00:15:25,530 --> 00:15:27,696
I'd like to know if you'd...
437
00:15:31,369 --> 00:15:32,601
...sell me this key chain.
438
00:15:34,172 --> 00:15:36,172
That'll be $8...
439
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:37,339
Jerome.
440
00:15:45,817 --> 00:15:48,818
["DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY" PLAYS]
441
00:15:53,624 --> 00:15:54,790
[MUSIC STOPS]
442
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,261
Would you like to see
"The Nutcracker" tomorrow night?
443
00:15:59,330 --> 00:16:02,131
I have two tickets.
444
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,899
- I'd love to see "The Nutcracker."
- Yes!
445
00:16:03,968 --> 00:16:06,569
My mom died this year,
and my sister and I
446
00:16:06,637 --> 00:16:08,637
used to go see "The Nutcracker"
with her every Christmas.
447
00:16:08,706 --> 00:16:09,772
Oh, wait. The thing is...
448
00:16:09,841 --> 00:16:11,936
We weren't planning to go this year,
but then you come in
449
00:16:11,991 --> 00:16:13,509
- with two free tickets.
- No.
450
00:16:13,578 --> 00:16:14,577
You don't understand.
451
00:16:14,645 --> 00:16:16,178
It was my sister's idea to ask you.
452
00:16:16,247 --> 00:16:17,813
[VOICE BREAKING]
Then you're both angels.
453
00:16:17,882 --> 00:16:19,648
It's like my mom sent you to me...
454
00:16:19,717 --> 00:16:22,218
two little Christmas angels.
455
00:16:23,554 --> 00:16:25,554
Maybe I won't turn back to drugs
after all.
456
00:16:25,623 --> 00:16:26,722
I got to go.
457
00:16:26,791 --> 00:16:28,524
?
458
00:16:28,593 --> 00:16:30,759
Ooh! I'm gonna Google your symptoms.
459
00:16:30,828 --> 00:16:32,428
Katie said no checking the Internet.
460
00:16:32,497 --> 00:16:35,164
She said it to you, not to me. [SCOFFS]
461
00:16:35,233 --> 00:16:36,899
There's a whole chat room of people
462
00:16:36,968 --> 00:16:38,701
whose hands turned blue.
463
00:16:38,769 --> 00:16:40,803
Ooh, you got to love the Internet.
464
00:16:40,872 --> 00:16:42,471
You know, the other day
my zipper got stuck,
465
00:16:42,540 --> 00:16:43,906
and I couldn't figure out
how to get it loose.
466
00:16:43,975 --> 00:16:46,442
Turns out, you can use a crayon, Greg.
467
00:16:46,511 --> 00:16:48,188
A crayon! [CHUCKLES]
468
00:16:48,346 --> 00:16:51,313
Mm. But you might lose your hands.
469
00:16:51,382 --> 00:16:52,774
- [GLASS CLINKS]
- Let's focus on that.
470
00:16:52,813 --> 00:16:55,351
?
471
00:16:55,419 --> 00:16:56,452
How'd it go?
472
00:16:56,521 --> 00:16:57,920
In the following order, I think it went
473
00:16:57,989 --> 00:17:01,657
awkward, thrilling, strange, sad,
474
00:17:01,726 --> 00:17:03,125
and then purely uncomfortable.
475
00:17:03,194 --> 00:17:04,460
But you asked her out?
476
00:17:04,529 --> 00:17:07,396
Hmm. Yeah. I guess I did.
477
00:17:07,465 --> 00:17:08,631
You call Eyo?
478
00:17:08,699 --> 00:17:10,799
Yep, and as soon as I heard his voice,
479
00:17:10,868 --> 00:17:12,735
I realized breaking up
was the right decision,
480
00:17:12,803 --> 00:17:14,270
and I'm standing by it.
481
00:17:14,338 --> 00:17:16,038
Also, he's dating Bruce Westfield,
482
00:17:16,107 --> 00:17:17,573
the co-captain of the water polo team,
483
00:17:17,642 --> 00:17:19,308
so that helped.
484
00:17:19,377 --> 00:17:20,976
?
485
00:17:21,045 --> 00:17:22,645
Did you buy any new pants recently?
486
00:17:22,713 --> 00:17:26,048
I bought some jeans,
back when framing my thighs
487
00:17:26,117 --> 00:17:27,416
seemed like such an important thing.
488
00:17:27,485 --> 00:17:28,884
No. Listen.
489
00:17:28,953 --> 00:17:30,819
Find some rubbing alcohol
and rub it on your hands.
490
00:17:30,888 --> 00:17:33,989
I don't think alcohol is...
491
00:17:34,058 --> 00:17:35,024
gonna...
492
00:17:38,262 --> 00:17:39,595
Oh, my God.
493
00:17:39,664 --> 00:17:40,829
The blue is coming off!
494
00:17:40,898 --> 00:17:42,631
It's your new pants! It's a thing.
495
00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:43,933
There's a guy that figured out
496
00:17:44,001 --> 00:17:45,301
he was rubbing his hands
on his new jeans,
497
00:17:45,369 --> 00:17:46,602
and the blue dye was coming off.
498
00:17:46,671 --> 00:17:48,103
Look at that.
499
00:17:48,172 --> 00:17:49,905
My hands were tingling
from the carpal tunnel.
500
00:17:49,974 --> 00:17:51,240
I must have rubbed them on my pants...
501
00:17:51,309 --> 00:17:53,142
Oh, no. Katie's gonna think
I'm an idiot.
502
00:17:53,211 --> 00:17:54,710
At least you're not
gonna lose your hands.
503
00:17:54,779 --> 00:17:55,811
[LAUGHS]
504
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:57,813
How are you doing?
505
00:17:57,882 --> 00:17:59,048
There's something you should know.
506
00:17:59,116 --> 00:18:00,716
No, there's something you should know.
507
00:18:00,785 --> 00:18:02,985
I am sorry that I didn't listen to you
508
00:18:03,054 --> 00:18:04,420
when you said something was wrong.
509
00:18:04,488 --> 00:18:06,655
I-It's okay, Katie.
You should know that I-I...
510
00:18:06,724 --> 00:18:09,792
No. You were suffering,
and I just brushed it off.
511
00:18:09,860 --> 00:18:12,528
I'm gonna change, Greg.
512
00:18:12,597 --> 00:18:14,196
I'm gonna be better.
513
00:18:14,265 --> 00:18:15,364
From now on,
514
00:18:15,433 --> 00:18:18,033
I'm gonna be the wife
that you need me to be.
515
00:18:18,102 --> 00:18:19,702
Katie...
516
00:18:21,906 --> 00:18:23,105
...that sounds great.
517
00:18:23,174 --> 00:18:24,607
Uh, aren't you gonna tell her...
518
00:18:24,675 --> 00:18:26,709
I'm sure with your unconditional
love and support,
519
00:18:26,777 --> 00:18:28,310
this thing will just go away on its own.
520
00:18:28,379 --> 00:18:29,678
I should have been there for you,
521
00:18:29,747 --> 00:18:31,480
but I was more focused on Doris
522
00:18:31,549 --> 00:18:33,249
and my stupid Christmas traditions.
523
00:18:33,317 --> 00:18:34,416
It's not stupid.
524
00:18:34,485 --> 00:18:36,018
Annoying, certainly.
525
00:18:36,087 --> 00:18:37,953
Inflexible, yes.
526
00:18:38,022 --> 00:18:39,555
It's just what we used to do
when I was a kid.
527
00:18:39,624 --> 00:18:42,091
Growing up, my mom always
traveled for work,
528
00:18:42,159 --> 00:18:44,893
but the only time that we could
depend on her to be home
529
00:18:44,962 --> 00:18:46,829
was on Christmas Day.
530
00:18:46,897 --> 00:18:50,432
That's why these traditions
are so important to me.
531
00:18:50,501 --> 00:18:52,635
Sweetie, we don't need traditions
to keep our family together.
532
00:18:52,703 --> 00:18:54,103
We're always together.
533
00:18:54,171 --> 00:18:56,639
I'm not going anywhere.
The kids aren't going anywhere.
534
00:18:56,707 --> 00:18:58,741
And my hands...
535
00:18:58,809 --> 00:18:59,975
aren't going anywhere.
536
00:19:00,044 --> 00:19:01,677
What?
537
00:19:01,746 --> 00:19:03,712
It was my pants.
538
00:19:03,781 --> 00:19:05,281
I... [SIGHS] My carpal tunnel
539
00:19:05,349 --> 00:19:07,283
was making me rub my hands
on my new jeans,
540
00:19:07,351 --> 00:19:10,052
and the dye turned my hands blue, so...
541
00:19:10,121 --> 00:19:11,353
Wait.
542
00:19:11,422 --> 00:19:13,555
So, you're okay? It was nothing?
543
00:19:13,624 --> 00:19:16,825
I know what you're thinking...
It's a Christmas miracle.
544
00:19:18,462 --> 00:19:20,529
[CHUCKLES]
545
00:19:20,598 --> 00:19:24,500
[DORIS SCREAMS IN DISTANCE]
546
00:19:24,568 --> 00:19:26,128
Go take care of your friend.
547
00:19:30,308 --> 00:19:33,342
Don't you ever flip me down again, Greg.
548
00:19:33,411 --> 00:19:36,679
?
549
00:19:36,747 --> 00:19:39,615
Who's Mommy's do-over baby? You are.
550
00:19:39,684 --> 00:19:41,116
I'm gonna spoil you,
551
00:19:41,185 --> 00:19:43,786
and it's gonna drive a wedge
between you and your siblings.
552
00:19:43,854 --> 00:19:46,055
Yes, it will.
553
00:19:46,123 --> 00:19:48,190
Thanks for being there for me.
554
00:19:48,259 --> 00:19:50,059
Now go find your family.
555
00:19:50,127 --> 00:19:51,327
Nah.
556
00:19:51,395 --> 00:19:53,295
I already sent them home
to open presents.
557
00:19:53,364 --> 00:19:56,065
I was driving everyone crazy.
558
00:19:56,133 --> 00:19:58,100
You should learn to be
a good mom like me.
559
00:20:00,104 --> 00:20:01,637
Merry Christmas!
560
00:20:01,706 --> 00:20:07,609
?
561
00:20:07,678 --> 00:20:08,877
Go for it.
562
00:20:08,946 --> 00:20:10,379
Presents!
563
00:20:10,448 --> 00:20:12,948
?
564
00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:18,258
I hope you and your sister
have a nice time.
565
00:20:20,957 --> 00:20:23,057
Thank you...
566
00:20:23,135 --> 00:20:24,301
Larry Jerome.
567
00:20:25,404 --> 00:20:30,407
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]
568
00:20:30,509 --> 00:20:31,908
So, I was wondering...
569
00:20:32,011 --> 00:20:33,377
What?
570
00:20:33,479 --> 00:20:35,946
Would you like to go out some time?
571
00:20:36,048 --> 00:20:37,881
Where?
572
00:20:37,983 --> 00:20:39,116
I don't know.
573
00:20:39,218 --> 00:20:41,284
Okay.
574
00:20:41,387 --> 00:20:44,620
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
575
00:20:44,670 --> 00:20:49,220
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40821
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
