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1
00:00:02,813 --> 00:00:04,546
We got a new batch of holiday cards.
2
00:00:04,615 --> 00:00:05,805
[Door closes]
3
00:00:05,890 --> 00:00:08,191
Ugh, Christmas cards in this town
4
00:00:08,253 --> 00:00:10,353
are so over-the-top.
5
00:00:10,421 --> 00:00:12,388
[Gasps] Sweet Lord.
6
00:00:12,457 --> 00:00:14,890
This folds out
into a full nativity scene.
7
00:00:14,959 --> 00:00:16,158
Is that camel hair?
8
00:00:16,227 --> 00:00:17,193
Ooh, I'm saving this one.
9
00:00:17,262 --> 00:00:18,461
This is just another opportunity
10
00:00:18,529 --> 00:00:19,862
for people to show off.
11
00:00:19,931 --> 00:00:21,697
Look at these pictures!
12
00:00:21,766 --> 00:00:23,566
New house, new boobs,
13
00:00:23,635 --> 00:00:25,334
old nanny who's now the new wife.
14
00:00:25,403 --> 00:00:26,769
Who are they trying to impress
with these things?
15
00:00:26,838 --> 00:00:27,770
Me!
16
00:00:27,839 --> 00:00:29,750
Check out this cardstock. Is this linen?
17
00:00:29,836 --> 00:00:31,107
- It's linen, Katie.
- Mm-hmm.
18
00:00:31,175 --> 00:00:32,742
This is softer than our sheets.
19
00:00:32,810 --> 00:00:35,811
Well, I did buy our sheets
from the grocery store, so...
20
00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:38,124
Look, the Harpers went to Australia
and got to pet a whale.
21
00:00:38,189 --> 00:00:39,521
Mnh-mnh.
22
00:00:40,351 --> 00:00:42,251
Why are you so mad at the whale?
23
00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:44,220
Sea mammals have nothing to do
with Christmas.
24
00:00:44,289 --> 00:00:48,090
That card is just a way of telling us
that they went on an expensive vacation.
25
00:00:48,159 --> 00:00:49,236
And I already know that
26
00:00:49,261 --> 00:00:51,527
because I hate-follow
Shelly Harper's Instagram.
27
00:00:51,596 --> 00:00:53,329
Why do you let things like this
bother you so much?
28
00:00:53,398 --> 00:00:54,697
Because I don't want our kids thinking
29
00:00:54,766 --> 00:00:56,861
that this shallowness
is what Christmas is about.
30
00:00:57,001 --> 00:01:00,069
Christmas is about being cozy
and eating cookies from a tin,
31
00:01:00,138 --> 00:01:02,171
and then the kids arguing
over who gets the tin,
32
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,473
and then me yelling, "All right!
Nobody gets the tin!"
33
00:01:04,542 --> 00:01:06,609
That's what Christmas is about.
34
00:01:07,912 --> 00:01:09,412
Add in a touch of Baby Jesus.
35
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,514
- [Cellphone rings]
- Greg, your phone.
36
00:01:11,583 --> 00:01:13,783
Yeah, I was just checking to
make sure that it's working.
37
00:01:13,851 --> 00:01:15,818
Waiting to hear
if I got that speaking gig.
38
00:01:15,887 --> 00:01:17,687
I could use the money for a new laptop.
39
00:01:17,755 --> 00:01:19,655
The old one heats up
like a panini press.
40
00:01:19,724 --> 00:01:21,390
Burned the hairs straight off my thighs.
41
00:01:21,459 --> 00:01:23,659
Work better pick you
over that jerk Kidney Disease Carl.
42
00:01:23,728 --> 00:01:25,361
I know my department has a lot of Carls,
43
00:01:25,430 --> 00:01:27,427
but you need to come up
with a nicer nickname.
44
00:01:27,451 --> 00:01:29,832
- [Door opens]
- Merry Christmas, Ottos!
45
00:01:29,901 --> 00:01:31,467
- Greg: Oh, hey, Viv.
- Santa Viv!
46
00:01:31,536 --> 00:01:32,501
- Hi!
- Ohh.
47
00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:34,036
You just let yourself in now.
48
00:01:34,105 --> 00:01:35,004
[Chuckles] Oh, you.
49
00:01:35,073 --> 00:01:36,038
That's not an answer.
50
00:01:36,107 --> 00:01:37,006
Ah.
51
00:01:37,075 --> 00:01:38,374
No, no, no, no, no!
52
00:01:38,443 --> 00:01:40,876
These quinoa muffins
are for Greg and the kids.
53
00:01:40,945 --> 00:01:43,911
I got you something even better...
54
00:01:43,948 --> 00:01:46,582
- The gift of potential.
- Oh.
55
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:50,720
- A Fitbit.
- Right!
56
00:01:50,788 --> 00:01:52,288
That's a fresh, new way
of calling me fat.
57
00:01:52,357 --> 00:01:54,890
You're not fat, Katie.
You're on your way to thin.
58
00:01:54,959 --> 00:01:57,193
These muffins are pointy...
59
00:01:57,262 --> 00:02:00,196
which is a fun surprise.
60
00:02:00,265 --> 00:02:01,464
Oh, good.
61
00:02:01,532 --> 00:02:03,199
Hey, guys, so I'm guessing
62
00:02:03,268 --> 00:02:05,968
your Christmas-lighting designer
is non-existent.
63
00:02:06,037 --> 00:02:07,870
And since I have to look
at your house every day,
64
00:02:07,939 --> 00:02:09,972
I can just send over my guys,
Scott and Scott.
65
00:02:10,041 --> 00:02:11,240
The Two Scotts.
66
00:02:11,309 --> 00:02:12,575
Mnh-mnh. We're good.
67
00:02:12,644 --> 00:02:17,346
Our simple decorations are
perfect just the way they are.
68
00:02:17,415 --> 00:02:18,781
No, they're not.
69
00:02:18,850 --> 00:02:20,082
In other news,
70
00:02:20,151 --> 00:02:22,618
you are looking at the chairwoman
71
00:02:22,687 --> 00:02:23,853
for the school concert tomorrow.
72
00:02:23,921 --> 00:02:25,321
I need help setting up,
73
00:02:25,390 --> 00:02:27,790
so I assume you'll volunteer
your Katie skills.
74
00:02:27,859 --> 00:02:29,392
Actually, my Katie skills are what I use
75
00:02:29,460 --> 00:02:30,860
to get out of volunteering for things.
76
00:02:30,928 --> 00:02:32,028
[Sighs]
77
00:02:32,096 --> 00:02:33,562
Oh, Katie.
78
00:02:33,631 --> 00:02:36,732
You know, if you're not careful,
79
00:02:36,801 --> 00:02:39,235
you're gonna wind up on my naughty list.
80
00:02:39,304 --> 00:02:40,436
And watch out.
81
00:02:40,505 --> 00:02:41,604
I spank.
82
00:02:41,673 --> 00:02:42,705
Ho!
83
00:02:42,774 --> 00:02:43,639
Okay.
84
00:02:43,708 --> 00:02:44,373
- Ho, ho!
- Right.
85
00:02:44,442 --> 00:02:45,574
[Chuckles]
86
00:02:45,643 --> 00:02:46,475
Merry Christmas!
87
00:02:46,544 --> 00:02:47,810
Bye, Viv!
88
00:02:47,879 --> 00:02:49,478
["Joy to the World" plays]
89
00:02:49,547 --> 00:02:50,813
[Sighs]
90
00:02:50,882 --> 00:02:53,316
We have got to start locking this door.
91
00:02:53,384 --> 00:02:55,017
[Lock clicks]
92
00:02:55,086 --> 00:02:57,987
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com
93
00:02:59,991 --> 00:03:01,290
94
00:03:01,359 --> 00:03:02,858
Why'd you throw that out?
95
00:03:02,927 --> 00:03:04,860
It's a computer that tells me
how little I exercise,
96
00:03:04,929 --> 00:03:05,728
which I already know.
97
00:03:05,797 --> 00:03:07,229
Viv is just like Santa.
98
00:03:07,298 --> 00:03:09,165
She gives gifts, she volunteers,
99
00:03:09,233 --> 00:03:10,933
she even wears the hat.
100
00:03:11,002 --> 00:03:13,002
No, I'm like Santa.
101
00:03:13,071 --> 00:03:14,770
We both have the same body-type,
102
00:03:14,839 --> 00:03:17,273
and we make lists of people
who've pissed us off.
103
00:03:17,342 --> 00:03:18,774
You're more like Krampus.
104
00:03:18,843 --> 00:03:19,942
Who's Krampus?
105
00:03:21,179 --> 00:03:24,280
That's you... Krampus.
106
00:03:24,349 --> 00:03:25,614
[Gasps]
107
00:03:25,683 --> 00:03:28,117
I can't believe you think
Mama is a monster.
108
00:03:28,186 --> 00:03:29,985
Krampus isn't a monster, Mama.
109
00:03:30,054 --> 00:03:32,088
He's just a half-goat, half-demon
110
00:03:32,156 --> 00:03:34,390
who punishes children
during the holidays,
111
00:03:34,459 --> 00:03:36,826
and sometimes eats
their hands and butts.
112
00:03:36,894 --> 00:03:37,927
See, it's not so bad.
113
00:03:37,995 --> 00:03:40,529
He's far and away my favorite
of the anti-Santa villains.
114
00:03:40,598 --> 00:03:42,465
- Name two others.
- Von Krispin...
115
00:03:42,533 --> 00:03:45,234
- Oh, Greg.
- Mama, not in front of the Elf.
116
00:03:45,303 --> 00:03:46,569
Katie: The Elf on the Mantle.
117
00:03:46,637 --> 00:03:49,205
The little narc who reports
everything we do back to Santa.
118
00:03:49,291 --> 00:03:52,041
And he's always staring at me
like a grade-A perv.
119
00:03:52,110 --> 00:03:54,343
It's half the price
of the one you're thinking of.
120
00:03:54,412 --> 00:03:57,113
I don't want him telling Santa
that you're acting like Krampus.
121
00:03:57,181 --> 00:03:59,615
Then none of us will get any gifts.
122
00:03:59,684 --> 00:04:01,484
I'm pretty sure the rest of us
will still get gifts.
123
00:04:01,552 --> 00:04:03,886
Unh-unh! The Elf is getting all of this,
124
00:04:03,955 --> 00:04:05,955
and he's gonna run it
right up the ladder!
125
00:04:06,023 --> 00:04:08,090
Don't worry. The Elf loves Mama.
126
00:04:08,159 --> 00:04:10,593
I love this little fella.
127
00:04:10,661 --> 00:04:12,928
I'll even turn the light on
so he can watch us
128
00:04:12,997 --> 00:04:14,830
- all night long.
- Okay.
129
00:04:14,899 --> 00:04:18,634
Now I have to go practice for
the holiday concert tomorrow.
130
00:04:18,703 --> 00:04:20,436
But you practiced all morning.
131
00:04:20,505 --> 00:04:23,773
Mr. Brannagan gets mad
if we don't sing right.
132
00:04:23,841 --> 00:04:24,974
Anna-Kat.
133
00:04:25,042 --> 00:04:26,542
I can't make a mistake!
134
00:04:26,611 --> 00:04:28,544
What's wrong with that music teacher?
135
00:04:28,613 --> 00:04:29,945
It's a little kids' school concert.
136
00:04:30,014 --> 00:04:31,814
The whole thing is a mistake!
137
00:04:31,883 --> 00:04:35,217
I bet it's hard for him to get
kids to focus this time of year.
138
00:04:35,286 --> 00:04:36,519
Why do you always do that?
139
00:04:36,587 --> 00:04:38,053
Okay, this seems
like one of those things
140
00:04:38,122 --> 00:04:40,089
where you feel like we've talked
about it a hundred times,
141
00:04:40,158 --> 00:04:41,424
and it's completely new to me.
142
00:04:41,492 --> 00:04:42,792
You never lose your temper.
143
00:04:42,860 --> 00:04:45,027
You are always trying to put
a positive spin on things.
144
00:04:45,096 --> 00:04:46,529
- How do you live with it?
- No, really!
145
00:04:46,597 --> 00:04:48,264
You defended those
obnoxious Christmas cards,
146
00:04:48,332 --> 00:04:49,532
you defended your co-worker,
147
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,133
even Anna-Kat's horrible music teacher.
148
00:04:51,202 --> 00:04:52,435
Also in there, I defended you.
149
00:04:52,503 --> 00:04:54,003
Don't cloud my anger with love.
150
00:04:54,071 --> 00:04:55,371
Stop acting like nothing bothers you,
151
00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:57,306
when I know it does.
152
00:04:57,375 --> 00:04:58,874
Things bother me.
153
00:04:58,943 --> 00:05:01,143
The ending of the space program.
154
00:05:01,212 --> 00:05:02,011
That's pretty much it.
155
00:05:02,079 --> 00:05:03,779
If we can't hate together,
156
00:05:03,848 --> 00:05:06,182
then I end up looking like a
fire-breathing Christmas dragon.
157
00:05:06,250 --> 00:05:07,683
Again, Krampus is half-goat, half-demon.
158
00:05:07,752 --> 00:05:09,118
Dragons are a whole-different milieu.
159
00:05:09,187 --> 00:05:10,186
[Sighs]
160
00:05:11,823 --> 00:05:14,356
We bumped into some gifts
on the top shelf of your closet
161
00:05:14,425 --> 00:05:16,025
that we can only assume are ours.
162
00:05:16,093 --> 00:05:18,327
Books, pajamas. Really, Mom?
163
00:05:18,396 --> 00:05:19,862
If you had confusion
about our wish lists,
164
00:05:19,931 --> 00:05:21,063
you could have come to us.
165
00:05:21,132 --> 00:05:22,665
We try to make ourselves available
166
00:05:22,733 --> 00:05:23,833
for these types of things.
167
00:05:23,901 --> 00:05:24,834
Greg!
168
00:05:24,902 --> 00:05:26,035
What's a positive spin
169
00:05:26,103 --> 00:05:27,970
on your kids acting like
entitled Westport...
170
00:05:28,039 --> 00:05:28,838
Language!
171
00:05:28,906 --> 00:05:29,939
...apple holes?
172
00:05:30,007 --> 00:05:31,874
Okay, obviously,
173
00:05:31,943 --> 00:05:33,876
you guys are completely out of line.
174
00:05:33,945 --> 00:05:37,546
But this is a good opportunity
for a Christmas lesson.
175
00:05:37,615 --> 00:05:38,948
Right!
176
00:05:39,016 --> 00:05:41,050
Now I'm Krampus Katie and
you're jolly, old Saint Greg!
177
00:05:41,118 --> 00:05:42,451
Honey, the Elf on the Mantle.
178
00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,487
I don't care about the Elf!
It doesn't have feet!
179
00:05:44,555 --> 00:05:46,322
Doesn't that freak anyone else out?
180
00:05:46,390 --> 00:05:47,756
No, Mom, seriously, the Elf.
181
00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:49,325
Oh!
182
00:05:52,530 --> 00:05:54,463
[Stamping feet]
183
00:05:54,532 --> 00:05:55,498
Agh!
184
00:05:55,566 --> 00:05:56,332
Augh!
185
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:57,266
Aah!
186
00:05:57,335 --> 00:06:00,169
Okay.
187
00:06:00,238 --> 00:06:03,005
Whew! Crisis averted!
188
00:06:03,074 --> 00:06:04,740
You murdered our Elf.
189
00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:11,313
Krampus.
190
00:06:11,382 --> 00:06:12,715
191
00:06:15,530 --> 00:06:17,997
192
00:06:18,066 --> 00:06:19,632
I've got a PR problem, Greg.
193
00:06:19,701 --> 00:06:20,934
Anna-Kat muttered "Krampus"
194
00:06:21,002 --> 00:06:23,069
as she passed me in the hallway
this morning.
195
00:06:23,138 --> 00:06:24,871
Am I really that bad?
196
00:06:24,940 --> 00:06:26,506
Well, you say things out loud
197
00:06:26,582 --> 00:06:28,815
that polite society frowns upon...
198
00:06:28,877 --> 00:06:30,310
and impolite society.
199
00:06:30,378 --> 00:06:31,844
Really, all society.
200
00:06:31,913 --> 00:06:34,013
Don't worry about it.
She'll get over it.
201
00:06:34,082 --> 00:06:36,316
Besides, the Christmas Elf's
pretty much back to normal.
202
00:06:36,384 --> 00:06:37,984
Okay, I have to fix this.
203
00:06:38,053 --> 00:06:39,786
I have to figure out
a way to show Anna-Kat
204
00:06:39,854 --> 00:06:41,087
that I have Christmas spirit.
205
00:06:41,156 --> 00:06:43,456
I am not Krampus. I can be nice.
206
00:06:43,525 --> 00:06:45,758
But that means you have
to punish Oliver and Taylor
207
00:06:45,827 --> 00:06:46,826
- for being spoiled jerks.
- [Doorbell rings]
208
00:06:46,851 --> 00:06:47,961
Way ahead of you.
209
00:06:48,029 --> 00:06:49,996
I've got a great punishment
lined up for them today.
210
00:06:50,065 --> 00:06:52,098
Good will towards men...
they're gonna hate it.
211
00:06:52,267 --> 00:06:54,300
Their pain brings me Christmas joy!
212
00:06:56,871 --> 00:06:58,771
- Hey!
- Santa Viv is back!
213
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:00,340
- [Door closes]
- Hey!
214
00:07:00,408 --> 00:07:01,574
I bought you a wreath
215
00:07:01,643 --> 00:07:03,409
just so your house
doesn't look abandoned.
216
00:07:03,478 --> 00:07:05,745
How nice.
217
00:07:05,814 --> 00:07:08,047
We're having a nice time. [Chuckles]
218
00:07:08,116 --> 00:07:10,049
And I'm being nice to you.
219
00:07:10,118 --> 00:07:11,284
You know what else would be nice?
220
00:07:11,353 --> 00:07:13,519
If you came down to the school
to help me decorate.
221
00:07:13,588 --> 00:07:15,021
We want things to be perfect
222
00:07:15,090 --> 00:07:16,956
for Anna Banana's big concert tonight.
223
00:07:17,025 --> 00:07:19,158
Mama, you'd be like
Santa's little helper.
224
00:07:19,227 --> 00:07:20,793
Huh. Helping out at the school.
225
00:07:20,862 --> 00:07:22,128
Excuse the pun, but this seems
226
00:07:22,197 --> 00:07:23,863
like a gift-wrapped opportunity
for Christmas cheer.
227
00:07:25,734 --> 00:07:29,168
Would that make you happy,
if Mama made the school festive?
228
00:07:29,237 --> 00:07:30,903
Would that fix things with the Elf?
229
00:07:30,972 --> 00:07:32,038
It would.
230
00:07:32,107 --> 00:07:34,065
- Then that's what we'll do.
- Yay.
231
00:07:34,128 --> 00:07:35,878
They should make a movie about me...
232
00:07:35,948 --> 00:07:37,034
"The Greatest Mother Ever."
233
00:07:37,089 --> 00:07:38,823
And I want to be played
by Jennifer Lawrence.
234
00:07:38,886 --> 00:07:40,446
And I want Greg to be Latin.
235
00:07:40,515 --> 00:07:42,715
Well, then, let's... let's go, okay?
236
00:07:42,784 --> 00:07:44,884
Oh, wait, don't forget your Fitbit.
237
00:07:44,953 --> 00:07:46,819
You don't want to miss a great
opportunity to count steps.
238
00:07:46,888 --> 00:07:49,188
Sure.
239
00:07:49,257 --> 00:07:51,057
My Fitbit.
240
00:07:51,126 --> 00:07:52,492
Where did that go to?
241
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,861
[Laughs nervously]
242
00:07:54,929 --> 00:07:56,095
- [Rattling]
- Oh.
243
00:07:56,164 --> 00:07:57,964
Must've fallen in there
244
00:07:58,032 --> 00:08:00,833
when we were fighting over
your pointy muffins.
245
00:08:00,902 --> 00:08:02,235
We're gonna have so much fun!
246
00:08:02,303 --> 00:08:03,503
I know.
247
00:08:03,571 --> 00:08:06,339
I'm finally getting my hands on you.
248
00:08:06,408 --> 00:08:08,007
[Footsteps]
249
00:08:08,076 --> 00:08:10,943
Elf, Mama's going to decorate with Viv.
250
00:08:11,012 --> 00:08:14,113
I'm telling him what's going on
because his eyes got burned off
251
00:08:14,182 --> 00:08:17,570
252
00:08:17,595 --> 00:08:20,335
This is what Christmas is all about...
bringing joy to others.
253
00:08:20,388 --> 00:08:21,421
And that's your Christmas lesson.
254
00:08:21,489 --> 00:08:22,989
Ugh, it smells sad in here.
255
00:08:23,058 --> 00:08:24,424
That's part of the lesson.
256
00:08:24,492 --> 00:08:26,793
Uh, how about that lady over there?
257
00:08:26,861 --> 00:08:28,094
She looks super depressing.
258
00:08:28,163 --> 00:08:29,762
Go. Go on.
259
00:08:29,831 --> 00:08:31,698
Go.
260
00:08:34,169 --> 00:08:36,369
Brought the kids in, huh? [Chuckles]
261
00:08:36,438 --> 00:08:38,504
Some sort of Christmas lesson?
262
00:08:38,573 --> 00:08:39,939
Yeah, that's right. How'd you know?
263
00:08:40,008 --> 00:08:42,275
Oh, we get a lot of that crap
this time of year.
264
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,612
- How's my wrapping station?
- [Ding]
265
00:08:46,681 --> 00:08:48,848
[Gasps] Ooh!
266
00:08:48,936 --> 00:08:51,484
I reached my 10,000 steps for the day.
267
00:08:51,553 --> 00:08:53,413
Your Fitbit is synched to my phone,
268
00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:55,288
so I can track your step count, too.
269
00:08:55,356 --> 00:08:57,790
Which is currently...
270
00:08:57,859 --> 00:08:59,258
70?
271
00:08:59,327 --> 00:09:02,128
I'm guessing from your tone that
that's not an impressive number.
272
00:09:02,197 --> 00:09:06,799
It's kind of the... wild west
of wrapping.
273
00:09:06,868 --> 00:09:09,602
Kind of the wild west of comments, Viv.
274
00:09:09,671 --> 00:09:10,570
[Thud]
275
00:09:10,638 --> 00:09:11,971
As volunteer chairwoman,
276
00:09:12,040 --> 00:09:14,574
I want this Christmas concert
to be perfect.
277
00:09:14,642 --> 00:09:16,175
You know, when you move
to a place like this,
278
00:09:16,244 --> 00:09:18,077
it's hard to make your mark.
279
00:09:18,146 --> 00:09:19,879
One of the only ways to become popular
280
00:09:19,948 --> 00:09:22,081
is to volunteer for
a high-profile event like this
281
00:09:22,150 --> 00:09:23,783
and make it magical and spectacular,
282
00:09:23,852 --> 00:09:26,752
and then everyone will think
I'm magical and spectacular.
283
00:09:26,821 --> 00:09:28,855
And it all starts with these gifts,
284
00:09:28,923 --> 00:09:30,456
so re-wrap those packages!
285
00:09:30,525 --> 00:09:32,725
I want tight creases and invisible tape!
286
00:09:32,794 --> 00:09:34,560
Tight creases and invisible tape!
287
00:09:34,629 --> 00:09:36,696
I love it! Bye!
288
00:09:36,764 --> 00:09:38,293
Trying to be nice for Anna-Kat
289
00:09:38,355 --> 00:09:40,589
makes me want to go home and
hang myself in the garage...
290
00:09:40,839 --> 00:09:42,635
no, Greg's office.
291
00:09:42,704 --> 00:09:44,004
I want him to find me.
292
00:09:44,029 --> 00:09:46,096
Let's see him put
a positive spin on that.
293
00:09:46,608 --> 00:09:48,474
So, it's between me and Carl
for the job,
294
00:09:48,543 --> 00:09:50,309
and I could really use the extra money.
295
00:09:50,378 --> 00:09:52,478
So you're just gonna sit there
and wait for the phone to ring?
296
00:09:52,547 --> 00:09:54,847
Get down there and pester your boss
297
00:09:54,916 --> 00:09:56,048
till he gives you the job.
298
00:09:56,117 --> 00:09:57,116
That's not really my style.
299
00:09:57,185 --> 00:09:59,018
Look, I learned one thing...
300
00:09:59,087 --> 00:10:00,920
You have to be aggressive in life.
301
00:10:00,989 --> 00:10:02,488
Did you ever see that show "Mad Men"?
302
00:10:02,557 --> 00:10:03,656
Oh, are you in advertising?
303
00:10:03,725 --> 00:10:05,458
No, no, no.
I-I was an extra on the show.
304
00:10:05,527 --> 00:10:08,961
And I always pushed up front
so the camera could see me.
305
00:10:09,030 --> 00:10:10,530
Mm, ruined a lot of shots,
306
00:10:10,598 --> 00:10:12,565
but you got to take what's yours.
307
00:10:12,634 --> 00:10:14,400
That's all I'm saying.
308
00:10:14,469 --> 00:10:16,569
No, I get your point.
309
00:10:16,638 --> 00:10:18,471
But the best restaurants are in Paris.
310
00:10:18,540 --> 00:10:19,605
Have you been to Paris?
311
00:10:19,674 --> 00:10:20,773
Me neither.
312
00:10:20,842 --> 00:10:22,108
But it's just like Brussels.
313
00:10:22,176 --> 00:10:23,109
Have you been to Brussels?
314
00:10:23,177 --> 00:10:25,278
Me neither, but...
315
00:10:25,346 --> 00:10:28,481
Listen, this has been a real
roller coaster of a conversation,
316
00:10:28,550 --> 00:10:29,916
but we've got a thing, so...
317
00:10:29,984 --> 00:10:31,384
Oh, of course.
318
00:10:31,452 --> 00:10:32,919
Well, thank you for coming.
319
00:10:32,987 --> 00:10:36,255
I can't believe my two favorite
grandchildren came all this way.
320
00:10:36,324 --> 00:10:37,590
- Oh, no, we're...
- Hold.
321
00:10:37,659 --> 00:10:38,758
Let's see how this plays out.
322
00:10:38,826 --> 00:10:41,694
Here's $100 for you two.
323
00:10:41,763 --> 00:10:43,863
Get yourselves something for Christmas.
324
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:47,800
- We love you, Grandma!
- Thank you, Grandma!
325
00:10:47,869 --> 00:10:49,602
[Giggles]
326
00:10:49,671 --> 00:10:52,638
["God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" plays]
327
00:10:52,707 --> 00:10:54,574
Oh! Good.
328
00:10:54,642 --> 00:10:56,909
Put that in the VIP section,
close to the stage.
329
00:10:56,978 --> 00:10:59,249
Wait. There's a VIP section?
330
00:10:59,335 --> 00:11:00,613
For a children's Christmas concert?
331
00:11:00,682 --> 00:11:03,015
Yeah, they donate a little money
so they don't have to wait in line
332
00:11:03,084 --> 00:11:04,884
and can get the best video
of their kiddies.
333
00:11:04,953 --> 00:11:06,819
I'm lying. It's a lot of money.
334
00:11:06,888 --> 00:11:08,588
Doesn't that bother anyone?
335
00:11:08,656 --> 00:11:09,822
Doesn't seem to!
336
00:11:11,526 --> 00:11:14,393
None of these people are ever
bothered by anything.
337
00:11:14,462 --> 00:11:15,995
Huh.
338
00:11:16,064 --> 00:11:18,598
Could their fake happiness
actually be real happiness?
339
00:11:18,666 --> 00:11:20,099
Am I missing something?
340
00:11:20,168 --> 00:11:22,720
Could they have the secret to life?
341
00:11:22,745 --> 00:11:25,471
I feel like Carrie Bradshaw right now.
342
00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:27,707
Meanwhile, across town
at the retirement home,
343
00:11:27,775 --> 00:11:30,309
Greg was experiencing
some fake happiness of his own.
344
00:11:30,378 --> 00:11:31,077
[Laughs]
345
00:11:31,145 --> 00:11:32,812
[Camera snaps]
346
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:36,315
Okay, Grammy, it's time for us to go.
347
00:11:36,384 --> 00:11:38,818
Well, thank you for visiting.
348
00:11:38,886 --> 00:11:40,886
Goodbye, Brad.
349
00:11:40,955 --> 00:11:43,189
Bye, Bethany.
350
00:11:43,257 --> 00:11:45,124
This has been the best Christmas gift
351
00:11:45,193 --> 00:11:46,359
I could have imagined.
352
00:11:46,427 --> 00:11:47,994
Yep! Come on... Brad.
353
00:11:48,062 --> 00:11:50,529
[Laughs nervously] Got to run!
354
00:11:50,598 --> 00:11:51,597
Ooh, ooh, ooh, what's the rush?
355
00:11:51,666 --> 00:11:52,698
I'd love to meet your new friend.
356
00:11:52,767 --> 00:11:54,033
What? No.
357
00:11:54,102 --> 00:11:55,735
We already said goodbye.
358
00:11:55,803 --> 00:11:57,203
Is that the Christmas lesson...
359
00:11:57,271 --> 00:11:58,771
to thumb our noses at social norms?
360
00:11:58,840 --> 00:11:59,839
Let's go!
361
00:11:59,907 --> 00:12:01,173
We learned plenty today.
362
00:12:01,242 --> 00:12:02,642
All right.
363
00:12:02,710 --> 00:12:06,979
Merry Christmas, kids!
Grandma loves you!
364
00:12:07,048 --> 00:12:09,248
Grandma?
365
00:12:09,317 --> 00:12:12,084
Don't spend all that money in one place!
366
00:12:12,153 --> 00:12:12,985
[Sighs]
367
00:12:13,054 --> 00:12:15,287
You took money from her?
368
00:12:15,356 --> 00:12:17,923
Is it our fault she thought we were
her grandkids and gave us money?
369
00:12:17,992 --> 00:12:19,225
Yes!
370
00:12:19,293 --> 00:12:21,727
I brought you here to learn a lesson,
and you conned an old lady?
371
00:12:21,796 --> 00:12:23,496
No way. You're giving the money back.
372
00:12:25,166 --> 00:12:26,632
Do you really want her to find out
373
00:12:26,701 --> 00:12:30,002
that her real grandkids didn't
visit her for Christmas?
374
00:12:30,071 --> 00:12:32,138
Is that the Christmas lesson...
375
00:12:32,206 --> 00:12:34,006
to break an elderly woman's heart?
376
00:12:34,075 --> 00:12:36,008
Great. I'll go give her her money back
377
00:12:36,077 --> 00:12:38,444
and tell her she spelled "home"
wrong on her needlepoint.
378
00:12:38,513 --> 00:12:39,612
That is not the lesson.
379
00:12:39,681 --> 00:12:41,280
But a lesson will come...
380
00:12:41,349 --> 00:12:42,481
[Cellphone rings]
381
00:12:42,550 --> 00:12:44,250
...right after I get this job.
382
00:12:44,318 --> 00:12:45,785
Hello? Professor Otto.
383
00:12:45,853 --> 00:12:47,586
[Sighs]
384
00:12:47,655 --> 00:12:49,622
No, I'm completely satisfied
with my cable service.
385
00:12:49,691 --> 00:12:50,890
[Cellphone clicks]
386
00:12:50,958 --> 00:12:52,925
Actually, it's pretty expensive.
387
00:12:52,994 --> 00:12:53,793
Come on. Let's go.
388
00:12:53,861 --> 00:12:56,529
389
00:12:56,597 --> 00:12:57,863
See?
390
00:12:57,932 --> 00:12:59,865
This is what I'm talking about.
391
00:12:59,934 --> 00:13:01,534
They're having the time of their lives,
392
00:13:01,602 --> 00:13:02,835
not questioning a thing.
393
00:13:02,904 --> 00:13:05,971
That woman is wearing
antlers made for a cat,
394
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:07,707
and she's happier
than I was at my wedding.
395
00:13:07,775 --> 00:13:10,409
They do seem genuinely happy.
396
00:13:10,478 --> 00:13:11,711
It's creepy.
397
00:13:11,779 --> 00:13:14,447
Why can't I just relax
and let things go?
398
00:13:14,515 --> 00:13:15,681
Because it's against your nature.
399
00:13:15,750 --> 00:13:16,882
Like me and monogamy.
400
00:13:16,951 --> 00:13:18,651
It's not natural.
401
00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:19,485
Okay.
402
00:13:19,554 --> 00:13:20,753
Maybe I can pull it off.
403
00:13:20,822 --> 00:13:22,888
I've been acting happy
for Anna-Kat all day.
404
00:13:22,957 --> 00:13:24,323
It's gone pretty well.
405
00:13:24,392 --> 00:13:26,692
What if I just commit to it full-time?
406
00:13:26,761 --> 00:13:28,527
Cheerful Katie.
407
00:13:28,596 --> 00:13:30,396
Positive Katie.
408
00:13:30,465 --> 00:13:31,497
Here come Viv.
409
00:13:31,566 --> 00:13:33,733
Viv: Hey! It's my girls!
410
00:13:33,801 --> 00:13:34,867
Hi!
411
00:13:34,936 --> 00:13:36,869
I found this little scamp running around
412
00:13:36,938 --> 00:13:38,637
putting extra steps on your Fitbit.
413
00:13:38,706 --> 00:13:40,005
[Chuckles] That's weird.
414
00:13:40,074 --> 00:13:42,475
I certainly didn't pay her to do that.
415
00:13:42,543 --> 00:13:45,377
We have so many good things
to catch the Elf up on.
416
00:13:45,446 --> 00:13:48,781
So, Viv, is there anything else
that I can do
417
00:13:48,850 --> 00:13:51,684
to be helpful and nice?
418
00:13:51,753 --> 00:13:53,352
Well, you know, you could
drop off some gifts
419
00:13:53,421 --> 00:13:54,820
I bought for a family in need.
420
00:13:54,889 --> 00:13:56,388
It would really lift their spirits.
421
00:13:56,457 --> 00:13:57,957
Absolutely.
422
00:13:58,025 --> 00:13:59,850
I'll call Daddy to come pick us up.
423
00:13:59,929 --> 00:14:02,061
[Gasps] You can wear my Santa hat!
424
00:14:02,130 --> 00:14:03,429
- Hmm.
- Ah!
425
00:14:03,498 --> 00:14:05,664
Oh, good.
426
00:14:05,733 --> 00:14:07,466
It's still warm.
427
00:14:07,535 --> 00:14:09,668
428
00:14:09,737 --> 00:14:12,260
All right. Bringing gifts to the poor.
429
00:14:12,322 --> 00:14:13,739
Doesn't get more Christmasy than that.
430
00:14:13,808 --> 00:14:15,541
You kids are finally gonna
learn something.
431
00:14:15,610 --> 00:14:16,942
What about their lesson
at the retirement home?
432
00:14:17,011 --> 00:14:18,444
That one got away from me.
433
00:14:18,513 --> 00:14:19,979
Did work call yet?
434
00:14:20,047 --> 00:14:22,014
Nothing yet, but staying positive.
435
00:14:22,083 --> 00:14:23,349
You should.
436
00:14:23,417 --> 00:14:25,284
I'm sure it's going to work out.
437
00:14:25,353 --> 00:14:27,153
Super sure.
438
00:14:27,221 --> 00:14:28,621
I love the new Christmas Katie.
439
00:14:28,689 --> 00:14:30,256
Mm-hmm. Oh!
440
00:14:30,324 --> 00:14:32,158
Here's number 17. Turn here.
441
00:14:32,226 --> 00:14:33,392
All right, kids.
442
00:14:33,461 --> 00:14:36,380
Get ready to see
what real need looks like.
443
00:14:43,104 --> 00:14:45,171
444
00:14:45,239 --> 00:14:49,809
Wait, are we all aware of what
the word "need" means?
445
00:14:49,877 --> 00:14:52,178
446
00:14:55,415 --> 00:14:56,714
447
00:14:56,784 --> 00:14:58,300
There must be some confusion.
448
00:14:58,325 --> 00:15:00,218
We're looking for a poor-type family.
449
00:15:00,287 --> 00:15:01,419
Do you have a maid,
450
00:15:01,488 --> 00:15:03,354
or perhaps a vagrant
that's passing through?
451
00:15:03,423 --> 00:15:05,056
Tim: No, I'm afraid that's us.
452
00:15:05,125 --> 00:15:07,258
It was so nice of Viv to help us out
453
00:15:07,327 --> 00:15:08,827
in this difficult time.
454
00:15:08,895 --> 00:15:11,262
Oh, yeah. Viv is the best.
455
00:15:11,331 --> 00:15:12,263
Yeah.
456
00:15:12,332 --> 00:15:13,264
Shrimp cocktail?
457
00:15:13,333 --> 00:15:14,432
- No, thank you.
- Oliver: See, Mom?
458
00:15:14,501 --> 00:15:16,267
It comes other ways besides popcorned.
459
00:15:16,336 --> 00:15:17,135
Hmm.
460
00:15:17,204 --> 00:15:18,603
Oh, Oliver.
461
00:15:18,672 --> 00:15:20,071
You little rascal.
462
00:15:20,140 --> 00:15:21,139
[Chuckles]
463
00:15:21,208 --> 00:15:22,941
Lacey: Apologies for the decorations.
464
00:15:23,009 --> 00:15:25,009
We can only afford one Scott this year.
465
00:15:25,078 --> 00:15:26,211
Yes.
466
00:15:26,279 --> 00:15:28,079
You see, our assets
in the Caymans got frozen.
467
00:15:28,148 --> 00:15:29,747
It's been a real bear.
468
00:15:29,816 --> 00:15:31,282
We can't afford a vacation.
469
00:15:31,351 --> 00:15:34,419
We're just going to... Hawaii.
470
00:15:34,488 --> 00:15:36,588
Mama, is it time for the presents?
471
00:15:36,656 --> 00:15:38,957
Sure. Time for presents!
472
00:15:39,025 --> 00:15:40,372
Presents for the rich people.
473
00:15:40,397 --> 00:15:42,260
Oh, uh, wow.
474
00:15:42,329 --> 00:15:43,361
[Chuckles] Oh!
475
00:15:43,430 --> 00:15:44,362
- Thank you.
- Wow.
476
00:15:44,431 --> 00:15:46,164
Thank you. Wonderful.
477
00:15:46,233 --> 00:15:48,533
Well, I learned
an important Christmas lesson.
478
00:15:48,602 --> 00:15:49,968
No matter how rich you are,
479
00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:51,903
expensive gifts still make a difference.
480
00:15:51,972 --> 00:15:54,873
Wow, I felt that,
but I didn't know how to say it.
481
00:15:54,941 --> 00:15:56,241
Not the lesson.
482
00:15:56,309 --> 00:16:00,278
Oh, and guys, Viv wanted me
to give you one last thing...
483
00:16:00,347 --> 00:16:02,113
the gift of potential.
484
00:16:02,182 --> 00:16:04,849
Pre-loaded with 118 free steps.
485
00:16:04,918 --> 00:16:06,251
Merry Christmas, rich people!
486
00:16:06,319 --> 00:16:10,255
487
00:16:10,323 --> 00:16:11,723
Oh! Ottos!
488
00:16:11,791 --> 00:16:13,791
I saved you seats! Merry Christmas.
489
00:16:14,895 --> 00:16:16,895
How does it look?
490
00:16:16,963 --> 00:16:18,596
Is it magical? Are you transported?
491
00:16:18,665 --> 00:16:20,498
Is there too much cinnamon in the air?
492
00:16:20,567 --> 00:16:23,067
Viv, you got to cut those pills in half.
493
00:16:23,136 --> 00:16:24,536
There's too much cinnamon in the air.
494
00:16:24,604 --> 00:16:26,604
So stupid, Viv.
495
00:16:26,673 --> 00:16:28,806
[Cellphone rings]
496
00:16:28,875 --> 00:16:30,608
[Gasps] Here it is.
497
00:16:30,677 --> 00:16:32,610
Go get 'em, honey.
498
00:16:32,679 --> 00:16:34,179
Hello?
499
00:16:34,247 --> 00:16:36,447
Oh, hi.
500
00:16:36,516 --> 00:16:38,683
Oh.
501
00:16:38,752 --> 00:16:40,218
Oh.
502
00:16:40,287 --> 00:16:42,453
Yeah, no, of course. I understand.
503
00:16:42,522 --> 00:16:44,856
Yes, uh, happy holidays.
504
00:16:44,925 --> 00:16:46,891
[Cellphone clicks]
505
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:48,092
They gave it to Carl.
506
00:16:48,161 --> 00:16:49,594
That jerk!
507
00:16:49,663 --> 00:16:51,663
There's no way
I'm changing his nickname now.
508
00:16:51,731 --> 00:16:53,831
Oh, hon, I'm so sorry. It'll...
509
00:16:53,900 --> 00:16:55,099
It's fine. I'm fine.
510
00:16:55,168 --> 00:16:56,601
I'm so lucky.
511
00:16:56,670 --> 00:16:58,403
Think of poor Carl,
always needing a kidney.
512
00:16:58,471 --> 00:17:00,572
I don't need a kidney.
513
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:02,640
I've got great kidneys.
514
00:17:02,709 --> 00:17:03,608
The best.
515
00:17:03,677 --> 00:17:04,943
Thanks.
516
00:17:05,011 --> 00:17:07,912
[Piano fanfare plays]
517
00:17:07,981 --> 00:17:11,349
[Applause]
518
00:17:20,660 --> 00:17:25,314
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
519
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,998
Fa-la-la-la-la
520
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:29,167
No, stop. Stop.
521
00:17:29,244 --> 00:17:30,876
We're a bit flat.
522
00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:32,733
Again, from the top.
523
00:17:32,788 --> 00:17:33,741
[Piano plays]
524
00:17:33,766 --> 00:17:38,276
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
525
00:17:38,345 --> 00:17:39,477
Fa-la-la-la-la
526
00:17:39,546 --> 00:17:41,679
Mr. Brannagan: Stop. Stop, Chad. Jtt!
527
00:17:41,748 --> 00:17:42,780
You're off-rhythm.
528
00:17:42,849 --> 00:17:44,849
From now on, you're just mouthing.
529
00:17:44,918 --> 00:17:47,385
All right. Once more.
530
00:17:47,454 --> 00:17:49,320
Impress me.
531
00:17:51,291 --> 00:17:57,161
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
532
00:17:57,230 --> 00:17:58,463
- No, no. Stop, stop.
-
Fa-la-la-la-la
533
00:17:58,531 --> 00:18:00,531
What is happening, huh?
534
00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:01,933
We've been working on this for months!
535
00:18:02,002 --> 00:18:04,435
Okay, I tried to be Santa.
536
00:18:04,504 --> 00:18:06,604
But sometimes you got to be Krampus.
537
00:18:06,629 --> 00:18:08,655
Because when it comes to raising
these children in Westport...
538
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:10,358
Hey! Brannagan!
539
00:18:10,461 --> 00:18:11,909
- Who the hell do you think you are?
- [Audience gasps]
540
00:18:11,978 --> 00:18:13,709
This is supposed to be fun!
541
00:18:13,734 --> 00:18:15,213
We all know the holidays are stressful
542
00:18:15,282 --> 00:18:16,547
and we don't always get what we want!
543
00:18:16,616 --> 00:18:18,483
It sucks, but it's life!
544
00:18:18,551 --> 00:18:20,485
So don't take it out on our kids!
545
00:18:20,553 --> 00:18:23,621
I'm sorry this is where your
music career has spit you out,
546
00:18:23,690 --> 00:18:25,423
but it's not their fault!
547
00:18:25,492 --> 00:18:27,191
So turn around, shut up,
548
00:18:27,260 --> 00:18:30,295
and let our adorable children
mangle these Christmas classics!
549
00:18:30,363 --> 00:18:33,665
[Cheers and applause]
550
00:18:33,733 --> 00:18:36,367
551
00:18:41,074 --> 00:18:43,141
That was amazing.
552
00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:44,542
[Gasps] That felt amazing.
553
00:18:44,611 --> 00:18:45,576
I'm so pumped.
554
00:18:45,645 --> 00:18:47,845
- This is how you feel all the time?
- Pretty much.
555
00:18:47,914 --> 00:18:50,048
Nothing better than just
letting your anger out.
556
00:18:50,116 --> 00:18:51,983
Who knew that that was
the Christmas lesson...
557
00:18:52,052 --> 00:18:53,818
identify morons and then yell at them.
558
00:18:53,887 --> 00:18:55,553
Oh, Greg, this makes me so happy.
559
00:18:55,622 --> 00:18:57,755
We can finally start hating together.
560
00:18:57,824 --> 00:18:58,823
[Both laugh]
561
00:18:58,892 --> 00:19:00,191
[Piano flourish plays]
562
00:19:00,260 --> 00:19:03,328
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
563
00:19:03,396 --> 00:19:05,096
I have yelling to do, as well!
564
00:19:05,165 --> 00:19:07,398
This is the best Christmas
concert I've ever been to.
565
00:19:07,467 --> 00:19:09,300
I have worked so hard
566
00:19:09,369 --> 00:19:11,402
to make this night nice for all of you.
567
00:19:11,471 --> 00:19:13,371
And not a thank you from anybody!
568
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,673
This used to be a cafeteria!
569
00:19:15,742 --> 00:19:19,477
And now it's Santa's workshop...
Santa's workshop!
570
00:19:19,546 --> 00:19:21,045
Any my husband and step-sons
571
00:19:21,114 --> 00:19:22,747
don't even show up to support me!
572
00:19:22,816 --> 00:19:23,948
And you know what?!
573
00:19:24,017 --> 00:19:26,117
None of you have accepted
my friend request!
574
00:19:26,186 --> 00:19:27,819
That's rude! You can just friend me
575
00:19:27,887 --> 00:19:29,153
and then unfollow my feed!
576
00:19:29,222 --> 00:19:30,588
I won't know!
577
00:19:30,657 --> 00:19:34,292
God, it feels so good
to finally get it all out!
578
00:19:34,361 --> 00:19:35,793
Who's next?
579
00:19:35,862 --> 00:19:37,495
Who's with me?
580
00:19:37,564 --> 00:19:39,831
[Breathing heavily]
581
00:19:48,742 --> 00:19:50,107
Don't do it, Katie.
582
00:19:50,132 --> 00:19:51,583
You just taught Greg to be mean.
583
00:19:51,608 --> 00:19:53,275
Don't send him mixed signals now.
584
00:19:54,567 --> 00:19:56,981
You want to come over
to our place after the show?
585
00:19:57,050 --> 00:19:58,583
I'd love to.
586
00:19:58,651 --> 00:20:01,352
I'll bring decorations
and save your Christmas.
587
00:20:01,421 --> 00:20:05,957
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
588
00:20:06,025 --> 00:20:09,394
Together:
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
589
00:20:09,462 --> 00:20:12,864
'Tis the season to be jolly
590
00:20:12,932 --> 00:20:16,000
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
591
00:20:16,069 --> 00:20:18,136
I told the Elf you invited Viv over.
592
00:20:18,204 --> 00:20:20,171
He was really impressed.
593
00:20:20,240 --> 00:20:22,039
Thanks, Mama.
594
00:20:22,108 --> 00:20:23,307
You're the best.
595
00:20:25,678 --> 00:20:28,210
I guess being nice isn't so bad.
596
00:20:28,235 --> 00:20:30,169
Looks like Christmas
worked out for everybody.
597
00:20:32,352 --> 00:20:34,886
Well, not everybody.
598
00:20:38,272 --> 00:20:41,643
Hi. Is Nora here?
My kids got her a gift.
599
00:20:41,712 --> 00:20:43,946
Aww, that's so sweet. May I see?
600
00:20:45,516 --> 00:20:46,229
[Chuckles]
601
00:20:46,254 --> 00:20:47,682
She'll love it. Go on in.
602
00:20:50,521 --> 00:20:51,954
Taught them a Christmas lesson...
603
00:20:52,023 --> 00:20:53,956
importance of family, et cetera.
604
00:20:54,025 --> 00:20:55,591
- Cost them $100.
- Really?
605
00:20:55,660 --> 00:20:57,459
They make them at the mall for 20 bucks.
606
00:20:57,528 --> 00:20:58,561
Hmm.
607
00:20:58,629 --> 00:21:00,312
That's a discussion for later.
608
00:21:00,362 --> 00:21:04,912
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