All language subtitles for American Housewife s01e08xx.eng

What's going on in your lives today?

Tell me everything.

And don't skip the juicy parts.

There better not be juicy parts.

- I'm friends with a fawn.
- A what?

My baby deer...

I told you about her
this morning, remember?

You kept saying,
"Uh-huh, honey. Uh-huh, honey."

Uh-huh, honey.

Oliver, Taylor,
what is going on in your lives?

- Zero.
- Nada.

All right, dummies, put your
phones down and keep them down.

You know I can do a choke hold
from the driver's seat.

Hi, guys!

What is going on in your lives?

- Same old.
- Nothing.

It can't be "same old" if you've never
told me anything to begin with.

They used to tell me about everything,

but just when they started growing
hair in weird places, they clammed up.

Somebody tell me something
about anything!

- Deer are good swimmers.
- Oh, I didn't mean you, baby.

You tell Mama everything...

even wiping details
nobody needs to know about.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
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I need to know
what's going on in their lives,

otherwise I'll wake up one day,

and my kid is the crystal meth
king of Westport.

Oh, like Susie Penta's kid.

What? Susan Penta's kid
was selling crystal meth?

That actually happens here?
I was just saying stuff.

Oh, I'd love it if my kid
became a meth dealer...

do anything besides play "Minecraft."

Get off the couch,
go outside, and sell meth.

It's a beautiful day.

Look, if you want to know
what your kids are up to,

start running their texts
through your phone.

- You both read your kids' texts?
- Absolutely.

Reading them right now,
and my kids are having

a cribbage tournament and want to know

who's bringing the Mountain Dew.

Nerds.

Yeah, I'm raising nerds.

Put that app on my phone.
Make it so, sensei.

That wasn't an Asian thing.
That was a "teach me" thing.

If I would have bowed like this,

it would have been an Asian thing.

I just made it an Asian thing.

So, kids, how was your day?

I named my deer Bambi,
then thought, "I can do better."

Excellent share.

Moving on. Oliver?

- Ehh.
- Not an answer.

Now I'm gonna get specific.
Let's talk Alice McCarthy.

- What?
- Yeah.

What's the latest on you and her?

There's no latest. There's no nothing.

Should we invite her over
for dinner sometime?

Are you crazy?!

I'm trying to help you out.

You're the kind of guy
who needs to hang around a lot,

wear girls down, and then when they're
at their weakest, pounce.

It works.

"Ooh, Alice, let me hold your hand
with my gross, sweaty hand."

It's not my fault.

I inherited Dad's hyperactive glands.

We run hot and wet.

You know what really could seal
the deal with you and Alice?

Ice-cream date,
back seat of the minivan...

I'm up front setting you up
for jokes to make you look good.

I'm having a physical reaction
to this scenario.

You're gonna give me hives.

Hives are on your mom.
I'm about sweat and eczema.

- So, Taylor...
- Huh?

Why did Sophie tell Natalie
that you're acting like Madison?

- How do you know that?
- You told me.

No, I didn't. I don't tell you anything.

Oh, my God. I knew this would happen.

She's getting our texts on her phone.

Your mother would never violate
your privacy like that.

Oh, but I would.

Of course she would.

I can't be an involved parent
if they don't involve me.

I am your mother.

I'm gonna be all up in your stuff

so I can share my wisdom and keep you
both on the straight and narrow.

That's not fair!

What's not fair is that your brains
aren't fully formed until you're 21,

and you're my responsibility until then.

Nobody told me that
when I got into this.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.

I can trust you with a secret, right?

I mean, you being
the cool parent and all.

Yeah. I didn't realize... Yeah.

Okay, well, I've been taking
cotillion classes.

So you're learning good manners
and etiquette covertly.

It's a weird secret.

I'm using it strictly
for networking purposes.

Your oldest friends are the ones
that lie to the S.E.C. for you.

My friends and I used
to ride bikes, skip stones.

One time, we threw
a watermelon off a roof...

made a big mess.

Cute. So here's the deal...

There's a formal dance
that's part of it,

and I'm going to need a tux.

That's really more
of your mom's department.

Well, it's going to have to be yours.

- I'd rather not involve Mom.
- Why?

If dinner wasn't enough, need I
remind you about the caf? incident?

Oliver, there's Alice McCarthy.

She's so cute! Go say hi.

Mom, no.

Let's send her a cake pop
to get her attention.

Ooh, she's looking.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Not good.
- No.

All she needs is to find out
parents can come to cotillion.

It's gonna be flying cake pops
for everyone.

I just need someone
who gets it on a guy level.

- I'm a guy. I get it.
- I know.

So you won't tell her
about any of this, right?

Your mom and I don't keep secrets
from each other... not anymore.

See this scar here?

This was a surprise party
for her that went awry.

Okay.

I just thought this could have been

a defining bonding moment between us,

one we could look back on
and laugh about

when we're sharing a beer
after my college graduation,

you and me, two guys, elbows on the bar.

I do want that.

- But keeping a secret from your mom...
- Come on.

Just between us... bros.

Sounds good, bro.

Hey, honey.

She hasn't sent a single text
to her friends all day.

Taylor's gone dark on me, Greg...

"Zero Dark Thirty."

Is that what that movie was about?

- I didn't see it.
- It's no big deal.

I haven't texted anybody in weeks.

Because your thumbs are
the size of Nebraska.

And you have to put on
your reading glasses

every time somebody sends you
an emoticon.

They're really tiny, cruelly so.

If I can't read her texts,

then I've got to find another way in.

Katie, you're stalking our kids
like you're hunting a wild animal.

Now, me, I view raising children
a little more like fishing.

You wait quietly in the boat
and let them come to you.

What kind of nonsense parenting podcasts

- have you been listening to?
- Hey, my technique gets results.

In fact, "hanging back" is
how I got Oliver

to beg to spend the day
with me after school.

Oliver begged to hang out with you?

Hell yeah.

Why?

I guess he wants
some father-son time, you know,

to really let my
experience juices soak in.

Mm-hmm. And what are
the two of you going to do?

- Hang.
- Where?

- Around.
- Specifically?

Batting cages.

Do I have something in my teeth?

Nope. Sweaty lip.

It's your tell.

Mnh-mnh. You're hiding something.

Spill it.

I promised Oliver I wouldn't.

It's just between us bros.

Fine.

Don't be hurt. Are you really hurt?

What do you want from me?

You're putting bros before hos.

- It's not that big of a deal.
- But I need to mother, Greg.

Without being a mother,
I am just a woman

who put on 40 pounds for no reason.

Fine.

He's been taking these cotillion
classes, and there's a formal dance.

And he needs a tux, and he wants
me to help him and not tell you.

Why?

Is he afraid that I'm
too involved in his life,

that I'm going to embarrass him?

Your words. And his.

Well, too bad!

I am going to go up there,
and I am going to tell him...

No, no, no.
You're not gonna say anything.

If he finds out
that I betrayed his trust,

he'll never come to either of us

with a problem again.

We don't want him going
to the lonely baseball coach.

Fine! He's yours.

I'm gonna go handle the girls.
At least they smell good.

Yeah, puberty's hitting Oliver hard.

- Gross.
- Yeah.

So Oliver doesn't want me in his life.

Does it hurt? Sure.

But that's why I spent
nine months creating a backup.

What's going on in that head, lovey?

Let Mama in.

I'm just waiting for my deer.

Come sit with me.

Thank you. It's good to be wanted.

Mama, did you know, in Connecticut,

there are over 100,000 whitetail deer

and that a mother deer
will leave a young fawn

- in the days after it's born?
- I thought I could do it.

Can't do it.

And yet, it manages
to survive and eat on its...

Okay, Taylor, you're up.

So, how's it going?

Fine, Mom, but I could use
a little privacy.

No problem.

We can have a little privacy together.

I really don't feel like talking.

I know you don't,
but I'm gonna need you to,

or I'm gonna start texting as you.

And it's gonna be all about your rash.

It's on your butt.

Why is this happening?

Because you cut me out of your texts.

- I'm not cutting you out.
- Your phone says otherwise.

No one's texting me, okay?

How come?

'Cause out of the blue,

Sophie decided not to talk to me,

so, of course, now all of the other
girls are going along with it, too.

God! Teenage girls suck.

We're the worst.

How about next time
I see Sophie's Mom...

Do not do that.

You'll ruin my life more
than it already is.

You don't even know
what I was going to say.

Watch.

"Hey, Sophie's Mom"...

I really don't have anything
beyond that.

I kind of think best on my feet,
but you get the tone.

Mom, please, no.

I don't want you to fix anything.

Then why did you tell me
if you didn't want me to fix it?

- Because you forced me to.
- How about I say...

Nope.

Well, then, you know what?

I'm gonna go bond hard with Anna-Kat.

Oh. Hi, Mama.

I'm leaving raisins for my deer.

You know, deer's
favorite food is grapes.

Still can't do it.

- Hey, Dad.
- Wait for it... big finish.

Pretty rad.

Listen... We can skip the tux shop.

I've been thinking about it

and realized the dance
is gonna be totally lame.

But I thought it was part
of the cotillion class.

It's not like we're graded on it.

It's voluntary.

Yeah, but you seemed
so excited about it.

Well, I thought it would be cool
if you and I hung out instead.

You, me? On a Friday night?

Just two dudes.

Well, what are we dudes doing
tomorrow night?

The question is, Dad,

"What aren't we going to do
tomorrow night?"

That is wildly non-specific.
I'm in for all of it.

Hey, boys.

Better not have ruined your appetite

during your hangout this afternoon.

Seems like this energy might be
more of a "you" problem.

I don't know what you're making for
dinner, but it's gonna be flat.

Did you enjoy your tux shopping?

Actually, we didn't go tux shopping.

- Why?
- He's blowing off the dance.

- Why?
- Says it's gonna be lame.

- Why?
- I don't know.

He thought it would be more fun
to hang out with me.

Well, that's a lie.

- Jealous.
- Think about it, Greg.

Two days ago, it was a big enough deal

that he couldn't tell his mother.

What changed?

I didn't ask.

You didn't ask.

What's so wrong
about a 12-year-old boy wanting

to do a little air-drumming
with his pops on a Friday night?

Honey, listen to yourself.

- He called me "bro."
- Oh, Greg.

I got played, didn't I?

Yeah.

We need the truth
about why he doesn't want

to go to the dance, and you know
how we're gonna find it?

Not by having the fish come to us.

No, we're gonna toss
a stick of dynamite in the water

and let the answers float
to the surface.

Come on.

Why aren't you going
to your top-secret fancy dance?

You ratted me out. Not cool, man.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, stay with me.

- Why are you guys in here?
- You lied to me.

I didn't lie.

I might have withheld a few facts.

A lie of omission is
the worst kind of lie.

Actually, I think
the worst kind of lie is

an outright lie that lands
an innocent man in prison.

- What are you doing?
- I...

You asked your father
to lie to me for you,

and you're taking "how to behave like
a rich jerk" classes behind my back.

- They're etiquette lessons.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Should I be yelling at you
with my pinky up?

Give me answers.

Why aren't you going to that dance?

Like I told Dad, it's gonna be lame.

Mm, is that the story
you're sticking to?

Sorry, buddy.

You have it, too... the "Otto tell."

When we betray others,

- our bodies betray us.
- Mmhmm.

Spill it.

Now.

Okay, I don't want to go anymore

'cause I got partnered with someone

- I don't want to dance with.
- Who?

Some girl.

I want a name.

Kimmie Wu.

- Kimmie Wu "Size Twenty-Two"?
- Yes.

You got stuck with a fat girl

and not one of Westport's
skinny future trophy wives,

so you're backing out?

Wow, Oliver. Really?

You know, as the son of a larger lady,

I would think
that you would be sensitive

being partnered with
Kimmie Wu "Size Twenty-Two."

You'd think, as a larger lady,

you'd stop calling her
Kimmie Wu "Size Twenty-Two."

Are those manners classes
teaching you to talk back

to your Mom at a really stupid moment?

Oliver, you are going
to that cotillion dance,

and your mother and I are going, too.

And we're going to make sure
that you dance with that girl

because your father
and I are raising high-quality,

non-sucky human beings.

Human beings.

I got your back.

Two corsages... One for
Oliver's big, beautiful date,

- and one for yours.
- Oh, I shouldn't have.

Have fun tonight.

Don't worry, honey.
Everything will work itself out.

Your Dad's right.

I know nobody texted you today,
but they will.

You're still reading my texts?

Oh, I'm so sorry
if I gave you the impression

that I was going
to respect your privacy.

That was wrong of me.

Look at you... so handsome.

We may not be raising them right,

but we certainly make beautiful babies.

Can we just get this over with?

Do all your pouting in the car
because when we get there

you are going to smile,
you are going to have fun,

and you're going to dance
like nobody's watching...

or exactly how they instructed you to.

Call if you need anything.

Sophie's mom is a part
of that whole cotillion crowd,

so if you see her
please do not say anything.

All my attention's off you
and on your brother.

He pissed me off just a little
bit more than you today.

Thanks, Oliver.

Ohhh. I get it now.

This is where they train to become them.

- All right!
- Ohh!

There's your girl.

Here's your corsage.

Now, where's that smile?

Maybe no smile.

A little advice...
Big girls don't like it

when you rest your hands
on their midsection.

Limit contact to just shoulders
and other bony joints.

-
Yeah, yeah

-
Yeah, yeah

Oliver, honey?

Dad, I need to use the bathroom.

Alice McCarthy's here with another boy.

Ohh, poor Oliver.

He probably hoped that
they'd get partnered together.

And now he has to watch her
dance with that hot guy.

He's 14 years old, Katie.

Well, don't make it weird, Greg.

- Should we go talk to him?
- What?

No.

I don't even know
what I would say to him.

- I meant our son.
- Oh.

No.

I think you should.

I'd really love
to dig my paws into this one,

but I think it calls
for a gentler touch.

- I'm on it.
- Okay.

Hey.

Hey.

Is everything all right in here?

So, I saw Alice.

Yeah?

Is that why the dance was
gonna be so lame?

Whatever. I don't care.

Okay.

I feel like an idiot.

All last week, Alice's friends
kept coming up to me like,

"Alice is gonna ask you to be
her partner at cotillion."

Then, stupid Kurt Brockwell
comes back from having mono,

and she asks him.

And I get thrown in the
leftover pool with Kimmie Wu.

- Can we just go home now?
- No.

Look, this cotillion class was
about learning grace

- and manners, right?
- Yeah.

You go out there, and you show some.

I promise you when you
look back at this moment,

you're not gonna wish you'd
hidden in the bathroom longer

or gone home early.

You'll remember you acted like a man

and you did the right thing.

And when we go for a beer
at your graduation,

we'll talk about this defining moment.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

Now let's get out there before
Kurt Brockwell is your stepdad.

Look at our boy. Look at what we did.

Eat your heart out, Alice McCarthy.

No way her bony ass can
break it down like Kimmie Wu do.

It's impossible not to rhyme.

There's Sophie's Mom.

You got to fix things
for one kid tonight.

I'm gonna go fix things for the other.

Didn't Taylor explicitly say not to?

Greg, we can't listen to our children.

They're children.

Hi, Sophie's mom.

I'm Taylor's mom.

Seems like our girls aren't getting
along very well these days.

- Girls this age, right?
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

But in this case, it's more your girl.

You have a problem with my girl?

I have a problem with the problem
your girl has with my girl.

Well, maybe you should mind
your own business

and let them work it out for themselves.

And now I have a problem with you.

You're about to be a part of
something called making a scene.

- Hey, how was the dance?
- Humiliating, then fun,

then, thanks to Mom, humiliating again.

Things definitely took a weird turn.

Mom slapped a drink
out of Sophie's mom's hand.

Your mom pushed the boundaries
of proper etiquette.

I'm sorry, honey. It did not go well.

It turns out after, "Hi, Sophie's mom,"

I didn't have much of a plan.

Oh, I know.

Sophie and I have been going back
and forth about it all night.

There's video. You guys might go viral.

You and Sophie are talking again?

We totally bonded over
our mothers being lunatics.

- Why aren't I getting those texts?
- We were talking on the phone.

Can you record those conversations

and send them to me?

I'm just kidding. I'll record them.

Oh.

- Oliver just got a text from Alice.
- Hm.

"Top hat, smiley face, sweaty hands"?

- That's "clapping."
- Cruelly tiny.

What does it mean?

It means she thought
he looked good in his tux

and that he's a nice guy,

and the clapping is applause
for his dancing.

It means that he has a shot

against the most handsome man
in the world.

Child, Katie... He's a child.

You're making it weird again.

So if one of the kids comes
to one of us with a secret,

we won't keep it from each other.

No, we'll betray our children

but hide our deception from them.

We're in uncharted territory...
the teenage years.

We need to monitor their texts
and read their e-mails.

And rifle through their drawers.
Don't forget about the rifling.

Drawers, bags, pockets.

I'll go to school and bust a locker.

Our kids don't think
they need us, but they do.

That's why we've got to know what's
going on in their lives at all times.

Nothing happens under this roof
without us knowing.

Ugh!

I should pay more attention to that kid.

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