All language subtitles for American Housewife s01e04 Art Show.eng

Well, I've officially quit
shopping for clothes in Westport.

No one stocks my size.

The only shirt that buttoned up
was a men's extra large,

and I'm pretty sure it's a pajama top.

So now I buy all my clothes
online from a store in Kansas,

because in Kansas...

I'm a medium.

Ah, Kansas. Wonderful state.

Their official bird is a western
meadowlark, I believe.

Fun fact, babe...
You just killed my shirt buzz.

So you working today?

I'm writing an article
I am so excited about.

I don't want to jinx anything,

but I'm 100% sure
this will get me tenure.

100% guaranteed.

That is so exciting!
What's the article about?

The title of the article is...

"John Stuart Mill: Victorian Liberalism

and the Fallacy of the Harm Principle."

Sometimes when you say things,

I just pretend
that your hair catches on fire.

Make fun if you must,
but history is huge right now.

JSM could be the new "Hamilton."

[Rapping]
I'm Johnny Mills,
I'm here to say

[Laughs]

- Are you ready?
- I'm ready.

Begin the ritual.

Katie: Before Greg can write,
he has to do this ritual.

If we were rich, it'd be eccentric.

We're not, so it's just weird.

First he poses like
Wonder Woman for two minutes

to raise his testosterone,

then he listens to jazz
to activate his right brain.

- [Jazz music plays]
- [Snapping fingers]

Next he eats six almonds for energy.

And finally, he has
a glass of port to loosen up.

[Sighs]

Now you're in the prose zone.

Sometimes I worry
Greg's too good for me,

then I remember moments like this.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Oh, Katie!

The hair, the rack, the shirt...

I don't know which to compliment first.

- The rack.
- Yes.

Thank you.

I'm feeling really good
about my purchase,

but I still have
some residual Westport hate.

I can sue those shops on Main Street

for discrimination, right?

Fat lives matter and whatnot?

Okay, labeling tiny clothes
as large is evil,

- but it isn't grounds for a lawsuit.
- Doris, what do you think?

- Uh-huh. Sue all the lesbians.
- What?

Katie, do you have any plans
for this expired turkey?

Doris, you are rich.
You can afford new food.

Yeah, but I hate waste.

This is sealed,

and sealed meat is good
for 11 years, like a Twinkie.

You know what I love about you?

You say nonsense with such authority.

Good morning, ladies.

Hey.

Are you drinking scotch?

Beside the fact that you're 12,
it's not even noon yet.

It's just iced tea.

I'm practicing my power swirl

for when I'm a trader at Goldman.

- Of course.
- [Chuckles]

Maybe you're confused
on how a dishwasher works,

because I get it. It's tricky.

Step one... put the dishes
in the dishwasher.

End of steps.

Mom, I'll get around to it, all right?

Unh-unh.

When your mother tells you to do
something, you do it immediately.

Ooh, if I was your mom...

But you're not, though, okay?

Ah, the look. Every mom gets it.

Doris is imagining

choking Oliver to death
with her bare hands.

Now she's remembering jail is a thing,

so she shoves the rage down

and saves it for when someone
thinks she's Japanese.

Let's just avoid any bloodshed.

Hey, who put all these juices
in your meat drawer?

I did.

At soccer practice,

Emily said she had
the best juice the other day.

Em's the goalie, and her stories
are always super funny.

So then Ashley...
Ash is the equipment manager...

and she's awesome.

Her clothes are so cool,
and her hair is like...

You tell stories just like your dad.

Get to the point.

The soccer team is doing
a juice fast together.

A juice what?!

A juice fast is when
you don't eat for a couple...

I know what a juice fast is.

Put down the juice and pick up
an ice-cream sandwich now!

Mom, you can't make me eat dessert.

Keep this up and I will make you eat
a sleeve of Oreos for breakfast.

That's legal! I've checked.

Today's my art show!

Sweetie, I'm excited for you,
but Daddy is working,

and Daddy has this ritual,

and whenever somebody interrupts it,

well, then he just has to
start it all over again.

I had my art teacher e-mail you
my drawing,

so print it out.

Okay, well, Daddy has to write
to get this thing called tenure.

The saying goes,
"It's publish or perish."

Perish is the word
in all my Titanic books.

It means die.

Are you gonna die?

Never.

Well, eventually,
but not for a long time.

Am I gonna die?

Let's just print it out.

- Yay!
- Yeah.

My assignment
was to draw a family portrait,

and tonight it'll be on display
for everyone to see.

[Mouse clicks]

[Computer chimes]

Is that the way you drew Mommy?

Mm-hmm.

Um...

It's just a juice fast.

It's not like we made a pregnancy pact

like the basketball team in Norwalk.

- Whoa.
- First of all,

you are never going to Norwalk again,

and, yes, this juice fast
is a huge deal!

When I was your age,
I wasn't juice-fasting.

I was protesting Prince's name change

- and smoking clove cigarettes.
- Yeah.

Don't smoke. That's a horrible example.

Katie, can I talk to you for a sec?

Not now, Greg.
I'm about to say something important,

and I'm glad that both
of my daughters can listen.

Taylor, Anna-Kat,
look at Doris, Angela, and I.

Notice we all have
very different body types.

And all women's bodies are beautiful.

Yes, we get it. You love the lady flesh.

- Doris, children.
- Oh, please, they know.

You do not need to do anything
to be beautiful except this.

Be proud of your own body

and never, ever care
what anybody else thinks.

Don't give in
to the vanity of this town,

and you, my lovely daughters,

will always be perfect.

[Cheers and applause]

I crushed that.

I was like Winston Churchill in there.

Better than Churchill.

I'm better than Churchill.

It was an excellent speech.

Now, I want you to remember that
and don't overreact

when you see Anna-Kat's drawing
for her art show.

Oh, my God. Look at me.

Remember, the crayon adds 10 pounds.

"Because of his friendship
with Auguste Comte,

John Stuart Mill's effect on positivism

cannot be understated."

I am on fire.

My oldest daughter is juice-fasting,

probably because she's afraid
she's going to be fat like me.

- Meanwhile, my favorite child...
- Can't rank them like that.

...draws me
like a beach ball with gloves.

Is this how Anna-Kat sees me?

It's really not that bad.

Says the guy with broad shoulders

and a full head of hair.

Well, I've been taking the stairs more

and experimenting with mousse.

Maybe that's what she's picking up on?

It's a drawing of a 7-year-old.

You can't take it that seriously.

I am not the problem.
The Westport mommies are.

Tonight they're gonna whisper
about me and laugh

and walk by me
and they'll be nothing but like,

[Shrilly] "Hi, Katie!"

[Normal voice]
And their stupid fake smiles.

I'm not sure I can handle it.

But you just told our daughters

not to care what other people say...

I remember the speech, Greg!

Why don't you go down to the art center?

Ask Anna-Kat's teacher

if she'd be willing to swap out
the drawing for another one.

Can I do that?

I can do that. Excellent idea.

Why can't you think like this

when you're deciding
what to write about?

[Door opens]

[Heroic music plays]

Taylor, I'm heading out.

Dad's posing like Wonder Woman,
so you're in charge.

Heat up some leftovers
for Oliver and Anna-Kat.

Mom, uh, I-I'm not allowed to make lunch

after the soup-can incident.

[Microwave beeps]

[Gasps]

Oliver! What did you do?!

You know, I could stay and make
the kids lunch if you want.

You don't mind?

Yeah, it'd be my pleasure.

What about your kids?

They're fine.

They're overachieving as we speak.

[Cello playing]

I'm watching you.

Mom, don't be so naive.

Can't you see what's happening?

And what do you think is happening?

Doris is playing you.

She only wants to stay because
she wants to mess with me.

Whoa, whoa. And Taylor.

You see? She even admits it.

Oh, Oliver, you're cute.
You think I'd take your side.

Kids, Doris is in charge.
Teach them manners, Doris.

[Door opens]

All right, children.

Welcome to Koreatown...

the sketchy part.

Mrs. Campbell.

Mrs. Campbell is my transgender father.

Please call me Maggie.

Hi, Maggie.

My name is Katie Otto.
I'm Anna-Kat's mom.

I was wondering if I could talk
to you about her drawing.

Of course.

What seems to be the issue?

Well...

Crap! She's a fellow fat.

How am I supposed to tell her
I'm ashamed of my body

without offending her?

The truth is

Anna-Kat's dad doesn't like
how he's drawn in the picture.

- Oh, my.
- There's kind of like a bald-spot issue,

and he's very sensitive about what
the other parents are gonna think.

People can see the bald patch
on his actual head, right?

He wears a lot of hats.

Oh. Well, this is
her only family portrait,

but if you could get her
to draw a new one,

I'd be willing to swap it out.

Thanks for being so understanding.

You're welcome.

But tell your husband in my experience,

children always draw the truth,

so he should learn
to accept what he looks like.

So...

that kid has a dragon at home?

I don't think so.

Kids, lunchtime!

Ugh! It smells like

when our hamster committed
suicide in the vents.

This is Auntie Doris' mixed meat stew.

And none of you can leave the table

until you finish your entire meal.

But I'm on a juice fast.

Stew is meat juice. Eat.

Mom, I can't eat this.
I'm on a juice fast.

Nope! Talk to Doris.

- Anna-Kat, you're with me.
- What?

That's fine. I didn't want
the little one anyway.

Mom, can I be excused?

Cooper Bradford is having a party

and there's rumored to be
an Xbox One in a swag bag.

Talk to Doris.

You know what? Fine.
I'll play your game.

[Slurping]

[Slurping continues]

Impressive stomach for a white child.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

And where do you think you're going?

Dude, I finished my stew.

But your sister hasn't.

And leaving the table
before your sister has finished

is not what little gentlemen do.

And I'm a grown-ass woman,
so don't call me "dude."

- This is unfair. Mom!
- Shh.

It's no use, Oliver.
I'm your mother now.

[Taps table]

Sweetie, Mommy loved
your family portrait so much

that I want you to draw another one,

preferably one where Mommy
is wearing her new shirt,

which is a medium.

I'm not sure I can make it
as good as the first one,

but I can try.

That's all I ask. Now start drawing.

I love it, but I have some thoughts.

You see how you drew Mommy as a circle?

Mm-hmm.

How about this time,
you try a different shape?

Okay.

Okay. This one's on me.

You see how you drew Mommy
the same size as the house?

Mm-hmm.

Well, Mommy is in the house right now,

so that's not right.

Why don't you try to draw Mommy
inside the house?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Oh, come on!

We're playing hide-and-go-seek.

You lost because everyone can
still see you behind the tree.

Obviously, I'm going to have to
take things into my own hands.

I have a fun idea.

How about we do
this next drawing together?

You draw everyone else
and I'll draw Mommy.

Okay.

Let's draw my high-school body
with my now boobs.

Heck, let's make them slightly
bigger, because why not?

Oh, my God. Hologram Tupac

just started a second set
at Cooper Bradford's.

Taylor, if you have any love for me,

you will break your juice fast
right now.

No! I'm doing this for the both of us.

Remember when Mom
had trouble waking us up?

Yeah, she tried everything

until she invented throwing
that frozen washcloth at us.

It is a beautiful day!

Go outside and play!

Exactly.

If we cave, Doris will be
the new Se?or Freezy.

You know what? You're not as
dumb as everyone thinks you are.

Thank you. Aah!

- Mom, please!
- Mom, I fell again.

I'm not your mom. Doris is.

That's right.

Just a heads-up... I'm going out
and Doris is in charge.

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

Anna-Kat drew this?

She drew it so much.

What is that?

It helps me see
the children's art more clearly.

Mm-hmm.

These are not Anna-Kat's crayon strokes.

- Yes, they are.
- No, they're not.

Are you calling me a liar?

I'm saying that you're lying right now,

and you do it so naturally,
probably other times, too.

Okay. I'm gonna level with you,
fatty to fatty.

Fatty to fatty?

My husband doesn't care
how he looks in the drawing.

I do.

You know how, here in Westport,

people judge girls like us
for the way that we look?

- No.
- Well, they do.

I'm sorry. I cannot accept a forgery.

What will my students think of me?

They'll think nothing because they're 7!

Look, I'd get this moral stance
if you were a real teacher.

- [Gasps]
- But aren't you taking this job

at the community arts center
a little too seriously?

I thought fat people
were supposed to be nice.

You're fat! We are both two fat people!

You know what? I'm taking this.

No.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Otto.

But Anna-Kat's original drawing
will be displayed tonight.

And for your information,
I don't think of myself as fat.

Well, people who sit next to us
on airplanes do.

One of the strangest things
about being my size

is you don't think about it
all that often.

See you at the art show, Katie!

But then life figures out
ways to remind you,

like when joggers run around
you or kids draw you

or you knock over a stranger's
drink with your hips.

Oh.

There's nothing good
about this situation,

so I am just gonna go.

[Keyboard keys clacking]

So, I'm trying to feed your kids

and I was wondering
if it's okay to put them

in some stress positions.

Not Guantanamo, but Guantanamo-esque.

Doris, no.

Well, then I don't know
how to feed your kids.

You know what? This is your fault. Yeah.

For not crushing their spirit
when they were young.

I don't think breaking your kids
down is the best thing for them.

Of course it is.

You tear them down
and then you build them back up

into who you want them to be,
like Katie did with you.

Working from home is impossible.

What are you doing?

[Heroic music plays]

Where are you looking?

Oh, your crown moldings are filthy.

I do this ritual.
It's the only way I can write.

Well, then stop writing.

It's not worth you losing
your dignity like this.

[Heroic music plays]

- [Keyboard keys clacking]
- Greg, I need you.

Oh, my.

Sweetie, I've got some bad news.

Mama can't go to your art show tonight.
I'm not feeling well.

- What's wrong?
- Well, do you know what a gallbladder is?

- No.
- Great.

Mine is broken,
but it'll be better tomorrow.

Don't worry.

Daddy's going to go to your art show.

But I want you to go.

Well, you'd think she'd be happy
I was going with her, but no.

Her disappointment was very clear.

Honey, come here.

- You got to snap out of this.
- [Sighs]

I love you and you're beautiful
and I love you.

Mostly, I love you for this body.

- I love all this. All this body.
- [Laughs]

Are you drunk?

- Quite.
- Right.

Mama, this is for your girl bladder.

Aww. Thanks, pumpkin.

Actually, I'm already feeling
a little bit better.

I have a feeling
you're gonna need this later.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Okay.

Mm. Well.

Oh, they're really rolling.

Yeah.

Look, Mama. My drawing's in the center.

Katie: Isn't that neat?

Let's go see it.

Sure, honey. Just one sec.

Can you help me gain the confidence

to face an entire room
filled with women half my size?

Mm. Mm.

He's a quiet drunk.

[Sighs]

- Let's go see your drawing.
- Yay!

Suck it up, Katie.

What's the worst thing
they could be saying?

"That drawing looks exactly like her."

"Maybe now she'll start exercising."

"Katie Otto is so fat."

Okay, I just hurt my own feelings.

I do not drink that much.

Do I?

At least you're in the drawing.

That's my nanny.

Everyone in town is so self-obsessed

that no one's even looking
at Anna-Kat's drawing.

They're all focused on themselves,

and everyone already knows
I'm overweight.

All these moms
have serious issues to hide.

Westport is awesome!

[Sighs]

You guys having stew for dinner?

No. This is still lunch.

All right, this standoff ends now.

[Slurping]

Oh.

Oh, God.

That was pretty good.

Meaty. And stewy.

Go to bed.

- That's a good idea.
- Mm-hmm.

I just had another good idea.

Mnh-mnh.

All right.

Katie, have a good night.

Taylor and Oliver, see,
your mom and I are friends,

so I'll be seeing you again and again...

[menacingly] and again.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Mnh-mnh.
I'm not done with either of you.

Taylor, I need you to tell me the truth.

What is this juice fast all about?

Mom, I swear to you,

it's just something fun to do
with the team.

So you're not dieting?

You're not doing this

because you're scared you're
going to become fat like me?

God no!

Honestly, I don't think of you as fat.

You're just... Mom.
You're really not even a person.

This disturbs and pleases me
all at the same time.

Now that you mention it,
you're not that big.

It's mostly just boob.

It is mostly boob, isn't it?

Is that why you drew me big?
Because I'm mostly boob.

No, Mama.

I drew you big because you're
bigger than all the other mommies.

Got greedy there. Felt it.

Okay, as long as this juice fast

is about having fun with your
friends and you being healthy,

I'm okay with it.

Do you even know why I'm mad at you?

- Just a general overall thing?
- Katie: Exactly.

Now go to your stupid friend's
house before I change my mind.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, and I think Doris
might be a sociopath.

Little bit.

[Sighs]

Now you're in the homework zone.

Doesn't this concern you?

Pretty sure it's a sign of genius.

Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0