Original subtitles

Oh. Hey.

Oh. Hey. Funny seeing you here.

- Happy Jeff's birthday. - Happy Jeff's birthday to you.

What's it been, like, six weeks since we talked?

- I guess. - I mean, don't take it the wrong way,

but probably the best six weeks of my life.

Oh. Same. I fell in love.

- Oh, yeah, me, too. - Oh!

Love opened its doors, and I walked right through.

I also saved a baby turtle's life.

You're just trying to make out with a turtle?

I could if I wanted to. I know animal CPR.

Oh. Well, that explains why you're dressed as an actor

in a catheter commercial.

You look like a roadie for a kids band.

- I look great. - Well, great to see you.

- Great to see you. - Great to see you.

- Best six weeks of my life. - No regrets.

Absolutely not.

I think we know I was right the whole time.

Not now! Not now!

- Great to see you. - Great to see you.

- Synced and corrected by Shazi89 - - www.addic7ed.com -

Aw! You two are back together.

Oh, we're not together.

I actually didn't even know he was sitting there.

I'm just trying to sit by the food table, you know?

Let's catch up later, OK?

Whoa.

You got a black eye? You OK, buddy?

Not like you would care. It is your fault.

You know, I'm willing to assume that almost everything around me

that's happening is my fault, but I haven't seen you recently.

It's your fault. You're responsible.

_

[DANIELLA] Let's just... yeah, let's put it right over in the corner

over here, OK? Oops! Watch... watch your step. Here we go.

Gotta make the room real nice for him.

What's going on? This is my bedroom.

No, this is Mr. Dodo's green room. He's the star of "Monkey Sheldon".

- "Sheldon," like the...? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a spinoff.

Yeah, Sheldon uploaded his consciousness

into a now-super-smart monkey.

We're shooting the pilot here today.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, come on in. - My brother never told me that.

Uh, well, he signed a contract.

You really gotta go. You shoulda been outta here yesterday.

I have nowhere to go!

You want me to go to my parents' beach house? Do you know how far it is?

It's all the way in Malibu!

- Hey! Shh! Relax. Hey, man. - Shh. Hey.

Mr. Dodo just flew in from a shoot in Budapest.

Don't want to make him grouchy, and your squeaky voice

- is triggering to him. - For the love of God,

who put the monkey sailor suits with the monkey hat?

- That's my hat! - Oh.

How did you even get in here?

I came by here last week

and I got a key from your sister.

'Bout this big.

Face full of glitter?

Uses her hair as a napkin?

Oh! So that's who I gave my key to.

Yeah. You just give house keys out to everyone?

Would you just give a house key to a serial killer

or some random dude you go on one date with?

Yeah. If they're hot and nice to me, I would.

As a matter of fact, happened recently.

I like it, but I don't love it.

Miss, I need you to pick a flavor.

You're holdin' up the line.

Go with cereal milk.

This time of night, the only toppings left

are the dried cereals anyway, so it sorta just works.

- OK, I'll do that. - Me, too. Thanks.

- Great. Here you go. - Thank you.

- I'm sorry about that. - No.

I recently went through a friend breakup,

and I had to switch fro-yo locations.

Yeah, no, I could tell.

I can kind of spot people who are switching

fro-yo locations because of personal drama.

It's part of my job.

- What's your job? - I'm a sheriff.

[LAUGHS]

No, I'm an actor.

Or a struggling, wannabe actor.

Did you just put Muesli and Fruity Pebbles in the same bowl?

Oh, well, I'm half toddler, half senior citizen.

- I'm full toddler. - Oh, then allow me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

It's OK.

What did you say your name was?

It's Wes.

Can we hang out right now?

- Yeah. - Cool.

[PHONE BUZZES]

Awesome.

Jeff, what's up, dude!

You called me nine times this morning.

That's what's up. I'm not comin' to Malibu.

Please. It sucks here. I'm so isolated, and it's overcast.

No one feels bad for you. You're at your parents' house in Malibu.

Peace, brother.

Hey. Sorry about that.

No worries, dude. If you want, I've got a house close by.

You guys can come over, have an ice cream sandwich, maybe a soda.

You and your son can shower.

Why would we shower at your house?

Oh! I meant like an outdoor sand shower

for your feet. I wasn't bein' weird.

Guys! Let's pack it up!

We'll move down the beach a little bit!

- [ESTHER] Do you want popcorn right now? - [WES] Sure.

OK!

- OK, hold on. - Hm?

Do you bring popcorn home from the movie theater?

Yeah. It's just a trick I learned from my ancestors.

Do you also bring ranch salt

- to the movie theater from home? - How did you know that?

- Are you from the Midwest? - Are you from the Midwest?

- [GASPS] - Wisconsin.

Illinois. But you don't have a Wisconsin accent.

I totally got rid of it when I moved here.

Midwest accents are so sexy.

[IN MIDWESTERN ACCENT] Bag. Chicago. Sausage.

- You're cute. - Wait, what... what's going on?

Sorry. I... Sorry.

Uh, I totally misread that.

I'm sorry. I have been best friends with a guy

for so long, I forgot that kissing and boys and me

could, like, be a thing.

Come on. I mean, you just seamlessly worked "sausage"

- into a conversation, and now you think that -[LAUGHS]

I'm gonna believe that guys aren't trying to kiss you everywhere you go?

Um, I'm just gonna roll with this.

But before you kiss me, there's some things

- I want you to know. OK? - All right.

Number one, I have really dry lip skin, and it sheds every three hours.

Have you tried coconut oil?

Yes, and I'm not looking for solutions.

Number two, I have bad breath. Like, it's bad.

Number three, is I'm really clingy.

Hey!

I... I think you're caught in a riptide!

You gotta go parallel with the shore!

I think!

Use your legs! Oh, God.

Be a hero. Be a hero! [GROANS]

[GROANING]

[PANTING]

What was that? Are you trying to be a hero or something?

I was trying to save you, and then you started hitting me.

I was doing sea yoga, and you were strangling me.

Sea yoga?!

Poor thing. You want to come over for some tea?

Sure I'm... pretty cold, and... my blood doesn't circulate well.

I think it's 'cause I was a C-section.

Oh, come on.

Number 52, I plan to have raised 300 dogs by the time I'm 35.

I'm fine with that. I'm fine with all of it.

So, what now?

Um, I don't know, because nobody's ever gotten this far?

- Should we...? - Kiss?

- Yeah. - OK.

Oh, uh, do I have anything in my teeth?

- Not really. - OK.

OK, everybody, find your hiding spots!

Jeff is five minutes away!

You got Jeff a Starbucks gift card?

That's my go-to gift idea.

It's a Starbucks gift card. It's literally the least

you can do for a person where they still have to say, "Thank you."

Hi. Um. Did one of you eat a frosting rose off of Jeff's cake?

Wha...?

That's a weird question, Tara.

You know, there's a island of trash

in the Pacific Ocean the size of Texas.

Do you want to blame us for that, too?

Did you just stand up for me?

I mean, I had to, you have active frosting on your face.

- Uh, thanks. - Other side.

You also have frosting in your hair.

It's so weird talking to you again.

I just got really used to self-reliant women.

You met Axl Rose?

I met William Rose. I made him Axl.

You look amazing in that light.

You're really drawing me?

I'm in a woman's robe right now.

You know what might make you feel more comfortable?

Take off the robe, and put this on.

I'll do this here, but in, like, vintage stores,

I never put on leather jackets, 'cause I feel like

they all belong to dead people.

- [GRUNTS] - How's that feel?

I feel like Andrew Dice Clay's stepson right now.

- Lose the robe. -I don't think anyone wants that.

- I do. - Why?

You see, I like pulling trash out of the ocean,

molding it into something beautiful,

and I think I can work with you.

["YOU'RE IN LOVE" BY RATT PLAYING]

? You take the midnight subway train ?

? You're callin' all the shots ?

? You're struck by lightning ?

? You're in love ?

? Turn around Remember me ?

? I'm the one Who's out and aimed to please ?

? You're in love ?

? You take the midnight subway train ?

? You're in love You're callin' all the shots ?

? You're in love ?

? You take the evening one-on-one ?

? You're in love ?

? You're only livin' to have fun ?

? You're in love ?

Mmm. Boxed potatoes, baby.

The absolute best.

I know, and they're magical,

'cause they start out as sawdust,

but then they become potatoes. Coastal elites don't get it.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. OK.

I just remembered that I have a little surprise.

- OK. - [PHONE BEEPS]

Check out this blessed little angel.

Oh. You, uh, combo-ed our faces

to make a baby picture. Th... uh, that's... that's cool.

[LAUGHS] I know, it's, like, horrifically perfect.

- Um... - Oh, God.

The baby was too much. I'm so stupid.

I should have just done the elderly one,

but I aged well and you didn't, and...

No. Stop. It's not that.

So, I just got so close to booking the lead

on this prank show called "You Got Gacked,"

but it turns out, they went with Robert Downey Junior Junior.

That's OK. You're gonna get the next one. Who cares?

Look, Esther, I've been here for 10 years, OK?

And the only job I booked was a voiceover gig for Farmers Only.

It's the dating site for farmers and ranch hands.

- I'm familiar. - Look.

Did I knock it out of the park?

Absolutely, I crushed it.

But even that is kinda pathetic.

I can't do it anymore.

I'm, uh... I'm gonna move back to Wisconsin.

What? What...? When? Why?

I just don't belong here.

But I deleted so many photos off my phone

so that I could fit the face changing app onto it.

-I have... I have to go. -OK.

- Wait. Please. Your potatoes. - This is crazy.

Benji? Benji!

Hey, you must be the monkey groomer.

I should warn you. We just did a scene

where Mr. Dodo had to watch two of his human co-stars

eat a banana. He is very upset.

What? No. I'm looking for my friend, Benji.

He usually helps me when I'm sad

by pointing out all my flaws,

and then telling me how unique they are.

There's no Benji here on set.

If you're not the groomer, you don't belong here.

You know what? You're right.

I don't belong here. Thank you.

But I will brush out that monkey for a hundred bucks.

- Psh. Come on in, girl. - Thank you.

Have you ever thought about selling your stuff in a gallery

or one of those weird rich lady stores in Santa Monica?

There is this festival in Australia I've always wanted to go to.

Sculptures by the Sea. It's a real who's-who of sea trash artists.

Why would you want to go to Australia?

I mean, I've had three drinks thrown at me in my life.

All Australians. Nothing good comes out of that place.

AC/DC, man!

I mean, AC/DC is just entrance music

for hockey teams, a this point.

My God, relax. You're always so serious.

- Mmm. - That feels good.

Whoa! OK, no. I don't do that stuff.

I'm sorry. That's my no-no zone.

What happened to fun, loose Benji?

He's very far away! Very far!

I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be!

I'm not even who I want to be!

Thank you very much, though! Bye-bye!

Be honest. Did the sea lady's sculpture look as much like you

as that clump of hair I pulled out of my drain?

You know that clump of hair looked exactly like you.

Bitter, much?

Sorry I wasn't there for you

when Mr. Wisconsin Cheese Boy

abandoned your ass, but I was busy

humping to the rhythm of the ocean.

[SCOFFS]

Cone on, Jeff. I saved us a table!

- [ALL] Surprise! - [JEFF] Aah!

- Surprise! - Surprise!

Oh, my God! I totally didn't see this coming!

Happy birthday, sexy.

Oh, thank you.

What the hell is happening?

They're saying hello like Europeans.

Is this a new birthday tradition?

All right, Jeff, let's do it.

Oh, no, Esther.

See, I told you. I told you they had no idea we were going out.

- What? - Like boyfriend/girlfriend?

You guys are the most self-centered people I have ever met.

In my entire life.

But thanks for coming to my birthday party.

Self-centered? Is that fair?

Your girlfriend threw you a party without an open bar.

What happened to you? Did Esther give you a black eye?

In a roundabout way, yeah, she did.

[PHONE RINGING]

- [ESTHER] Hey, it's Esther. Rock the vote. -[PHONE BEEPS]

You're probably still mad at me, or whatever,

but I wanted to call you and tell you that...

a love goddess tried to go upstream in my Mississippi,

and... I couldn't do it.

I'm not a sexual rock star. I'm just not comfortable letting someone in.

- [PHONE BEEPS] - [MAN] To send this message now, press "one."

- To erase, press "two." - [BENNY SIGHS]

[PHONE BEEPING]

Why won't you let her in?

I heard the end of your conversation.

There's this woman, and she's great,

but she wants our relationship to go somewhere

I'm just not comfortable with.

Relationships are tricky. My advice? Open up.

I never did, and now all I have are my regrets, my thoughts,

and the most expensive consumer-legal drone in America.

Right, but I'm also concerned it might physically hurt.

I've never had a girl ruin her manicure in my blowhole before.

I now realize we're talking about two totally different things.

I know what I'm gonna do. Thanks for the advice, man.

Uh-huh.

Take me to the magic of the moment.

["YOU'RE IN LOVE" BY RATT PLAYS]

? You're in love ?

- Hey. - Hey.

I was waiting for you. I just really didn't want this to end on a bad note.

Also, I fixed your toilet handle.

Um, so now you don't have to

pull on a piece of yarn to make it flush.

Oh, God, that's so hot.

- Thanks. - I've been thinking,

and I realized that I want to come with you.

[LAUGHS] Come on, Esther, you're gonna go across the country for me?

I miss lakes, and I miss shade.

And I miss using bad weather as an excuse to stay inside

for six months out of the year.

Yeah? Me, too.

Plus, we'll be driving distance from my parents' dogs,

and that is huge for me.

Yeah, I know. You've mentioned that a lot.

- [TIA] So? - I really liked it,

but I think it's a special occasion kinda thing.

Every day is a special occasion.

I was thinking, I'd go to Australia.

I went to high school with Mel Gibson's kids,

and one of them was nice to me,

so if you wanna go, let's go!

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Hey. - Hey!

So, I have some pretty good news.

OK.

I got into that online vet tech course.

Wow!

And the best part is, did you know

you can just walk into a store and buy scrubs?

You don't even need, like, a degree or a license or anything.

- So, I have big news, too. - Oh, my God. What?

The producers from "You Got Gacked" just called me,

and Robert Downey Junior Junior dropped out. I got the part!

That's great. Great.

But you're not gonna take it, 'cause we're gonna move.

- Obviously. - Yeah.

What am I thinking? Uh...

No way. I... I'm not taking that job.

OK. Whew! That was scary for a second. [LAUGHS]

Uh-huh. I do have to tell you something else, though.

OK, what?

You just got gacked.

- What? - You just got gacked.

I don't...

Y-you got gacked. I gacked you.

I... I have to take the job. I mean, you see that?

Are... what?

I'm not gonna be in the right headspace

to be dating. I'm sorry. I still want to be friends.

No. You just broke my heart. And you gacked me.

Yeah. I shoulda just done one or the other.

Get out!

Drone guy! What's up, dude?

You gave me great advice. I'm a new man!

I'm barefoot, I got a soul patch cookin',

and I got two tickets to Australia for me and my lover.

Agree to disagree on the soul patch,

but other than that, glad to hear it.

Cool. Huh.

That's weird. Her trailer's gone.

Oh, Tia? Uh, she cut out in the middle of the night.

What? She left without saying goodbye?

Is that who you were talking about the other day?

Yeah.

If I'd a-known, I woulda told you

not to get too attached.

Dude!

Would it make you feel better to fly a $20,000 drone?

Yeah, it would.

So you flew a drone

into your own face, and it's my fault?

Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't have been talking

to weirdos on the beach if you would just pick up your phone.

Well, then, you know what?

It's your fault that I got my heart broken

by the lowest of the low in our society.

A kids' prank show host.

Since you're a vet now, or whatever,

can you look at my eye and make sure I'm OK?

A vet technician.

And... I quit on my first day.

They expect you to treat snakes

the same way you treat puppies.

And that's a "heck, no."

- [TARA] Thanks for coming. - Hey!

Hey. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday

from me and Esther.

I knew you guys would find your way back to each other.

And as nice as these Starbucks gift cards are,

don't worry about it. You already got me the best gift of all.

Me. He's talking about me.

- Yeah. - You introduced us?

You know, he actually doesn't even really like coffee.

You know what, it's all right, 'cause I like the paninis.

[GROANS] I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.

- Why? - Yeah, why?

Wasn't that what your big fight was about?

What fight?

This is the best panini I've ever eaten.

It's good, but it's not a panini.

- Yeah, it is. - It's not the right bread.

Panini isn't a style of bread, it's a style of sandwich.

You need a right bread for the panini, like you need a bread shell,

because when you apply the heat and pressure to sandwich,

everything comes out. But if you use, like, a ciabatta,

the traditional panini bread...

- it holds everything in. - Really, to make a panini,

you just need two pieces of bread, right?

And then any kind of middle that you want.

- And then a panini press. - But you can't just use any bread.

- Like if you... - You certainly can use any bread.

That's what makes it a panini, is the sandwich, the press.

If you put a calzone in a panini press, is that now a panini?

Are you trying to make a calzone panini,

in which case, you can. Invent that. You'll be a millionaire!

- You need a bread shell! - You don't!

Otherwise, it's not a panini!

- That's not true! - Yes!

A panini is a world unto itself. And it needs a bread shell!

- That's what happens! - Get out of my house!

I will love to get out of your house.

Get out of my house! Get... get out!

Because you know nothing about making paninis!

I know nothing. I need friends who know

what a freakin' panini is!

- That's what I need. - That's right. So do I.

Are you here? Are you here right now?

- I'm gone. - Oh, OK.

I wanted to make sure you hear me when I say, "Friendship, over."

- OK. - I don't need this.

Oh, OK. Great. Like I need this.

Someone who doesn't even know what a real panini is.

"Panini," idiot.

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