All language subtitles for Alone Together s01e05 Dean Girls.eng

I honestly don't care
what the haters say,

nachos, they travel well.

I mean, they're even better this way.

I totally agree. When it
congeals into one piece,

you can just eat it like pie.

You don't have to worry about
topping distribution...

Yeah, it's stress-free.
It's just so much better.

[MOUTHING] Do I have
it on my face?

[PHONE BEEPS]

My, Esther, what a dainty bite!

Is that how they eat
nachos on Downton Abbey?

Actually, now that I think
of it, I'm, like, really full.

These are really gross. I've just
been getting full easier lately.

My stomach must be shrinking.

Yo, guys, shut up, okay?

I'm dealing with a real issue
here, all right?

I got this artist chick, Amanda,
she's like, obsessed with me.

She won't stop calling me,
texting me, emailing me.

- She Facetimed me!
- Oh, my God, that's so lame.

You're handling it so well, Dean.

- Thanks.
- Yeah, you're doing great.

- Oh, thanks a lot.
- I'm sorry, I would never do that.

Yeah, girls totally
reach out to me, too.

So? Anyway. And look what she did.

Look what she did, she left this...

statue in my office of,
like, a headless fat chick?

It actually makes no sense.

You know I'm always trying
to find the humor in stuff.

Um, I was like, "How does she
even get fat if she has no head,"

Right? She cant't eat.

- That's hilarious, right?
- That's hilarious.

That's a mother goddess.
She's pregnant and plump.

It represents human prosperity.
People used to pray to those.

- What?
- This. This?

I used to jerk off
to Mom's art history books!

- Oh.
- That's too much information.

You made it worse, all right?

Look, I gotta find out

how to get this chick
off my ass, pronto.

Yeah, for sure. What should we do?

Okay, here's what you do.

Post the selfie of you
with a really not-cute girl,

and then she'll think
you've lowered you standards

and she's gonna move on
to somebody else.

I don't know, maybe I'll
just get a restraining order.

You know? Call it a day.

- They know me down there.
- Dude, come on,

a restraining order with a crazy girl?

That's flattering to them

because it means you're
thinking about them.

Just gonna make it worse.
It's like buying her roses.

How do you know?
You've never had a stalker.

I understand the psychology
of pathetic people.

Just trust me on this. I
know what I'm talking about.

Why don't I just post a picture

with a hot chick
and post that one? Game over.

Because then she's gonna seek
vengeance 'cause she's jealous,

like that sushi waitress
who crapped in your Lambo.

You want that to happen again?

Look, what you need
is a girl who's, like,

kinda gross, maybe some
crumbs in her panties...

- That's gross.
- You know, like, a human...

Esther, you're available today, right?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Um, yeah, I'll check my schedule.

synced & corrected by PopcornAWH
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You don't need makeup, man.

You're supposed to look wretched.

Never mind. You're good.

MG, this is a huge opportunity
for me, okay?

I'm about to spend
one-on-one time with Dean.

I need to look my very,
very, very, very best.

Come on, this isn't about
your sad little crush on Dean,

it's about getting rid of Amanda.

Okay, let me scrape my tongue
one more time.

[GAGGING]
I'm gonna go.

This is bad for me. I'm gonna go.

Good, all right,
let's do this. Come on.

Yeah. Um, Dean, I just wanted
to take a moment to thank you...

What? You're too...
You're not talking loud enough.

I just wanted to take a moment to
say thank you for this opportunity.

- I promise I won't let you down.
- All right, thank you so much.

It's just gonna be a simple
couples' photoshoot, all right?

We're thinking you're in love,
it's domestic,

you're baking together, you're putting
pizza in the oven, all right?

This is really easy.
We can just one-and-done it.

Yeah, can you just maybe
put it on burst mode

so it doesn't take
too long? It's already...

Don't do burst mode.
It doesn't work for me.

Anyway...

Um, Dean, can you make it

look like you're enjoying
yourself a little?

Can I just hold your hand?
Just for one photo.

Here, why don't you put it around me?

Shaking. Why don't we do a shake.

Yeah, that looks like love.

Really liking that.

- Did you want us to kiss, or...?
- No, what?

- No, I...
- No, it's all good.

- We could just...
- No, if you want to, I'm down,

- but we don't have to.
- Nah.

That's great. Loving that.

I'm feeling like
my character would want

to taste the sauce. Should I do that?

I appreciate you wanting to go
full Daniel Day Esther on this,

but you're not actually playing
a character. You're just you.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, I'm sorry!

Oh, my God. Sorry. I'll get it.

- What...?
- What are you... don't lick him!

I'm sorry. -This just became a
very sad Carl's Jr. commercial.

I'm sorry, it'll never
happen again. I'm sorry.

I'm just gonna take what I have here.

I'm gonna airstream it on the TV.

Hopefully we have something.
Be right back.

I'm sorry. I'll buy you
a shirt right now.

This shirt cost $1,000.

Okay, I'll get it out.
I'll get the stain out.

- You okay?
- Nothing.

Um, I actually have this... This...
I call it my Esther stick?

- Yeah?
- And, um...

I just watched this documentary,

and it was all about how laundry's
really bad for the environment.

Basically what happens
is they dump, literally,

gallons of detergent
into the ocean every year.

It's crazy. It can get
into dolphins' private areas...

- Yeah?
- And it will kill them.

- Oh.
- Actually looks pretty good.

Um, yeah, I don't even
need to do laundry anymore.

Yeah, I don't do laundry, either.

That's crazy. I don't do it, either.

I know, you said that, and then
that's why I said what I said.

- Uh-huh, we're so, like...
- Good news, guys!

I actually got a decent shot
where Esther doesn't look

- too much like Tom Selleck.
- [DEAN] Aw, cool.

Why don't you send me
the most Tom Selleck-y one?

- Oh, that's funny.
- [PHONE BEEPS]

Um, can you make sure to tag it
EstherRichWithNineEyes?

?

Dean, thank you.

[ESTHER] I cannot believe that
Dean tagged me in that photo.

Do you think, like, this is what

K-Fed felt like when
he married Britney?

He's like, "I got it!"

I don't know, but when you
smile like that,

your cheeks look like
two fat guys' stomachs!

Cheese!

Just out of curiosity,
do you feel like you have

any need for, like,
a T-shirt or a tote bag

that has the picture
of me and Dean on it?

Just 'cause I was gonna
order a couple of things,

and it's free shipping
when you spend over $50.

And honestly, that's just, like, a
deal you don't pass up every day.

- Esther...
- What?

You realize that that
was a fake picture

for a fake relationship.

Benjamin, of course, on some
level I do understand that.

However...

[WHISPERS]
you never know, okay?

Did you know that neither Dean
nor I do laundry?

Like, that means
we're both on the same page.

Esther, that's 'cause he pays
someone to do his laundry for him,

and you turn your underwear inside out

until it turns into underwear bark.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Can I show you something?

I'm 37 weeks
back on Amanda's Instagram.

She's such an amazing sculptress.

I wanna date an art teacher so bad.

I wanna be the focal point
of someone's artwork.

- That's a good point.
- I could be a muse,

like Sharon Stone, but a guy.

Oh, man, this sucks!

What, Amanda didn't reach
out to you again, did she?

- Everything cool?
- No,

I lost four grand on the Utah Jazz.

Oh, Amanda, yeah, no,

I haven't heard from her
in, like, 24 hours.

Your stupid plan actually worked.

Yeah, who knows more about being
lonely and desperate than me?

Hey, whatever works, man.

I just can't believe little Esther

pulled through... It's amazing, man.

I mean, she looks
so gross in those photos.

It was so funny.

Yeah, no, that's me.

Gross, funny, smart, cool.

I'm your guy.

Anyway, I need you
to stay in the house all day

and not go anywhere because I'm
waiting for a suit to be delivered.

And I want you to sign for it.
If they leave it out front,

that's a no-no, okay? I got
all sorts of plants out there.

I don't need stigma
and, like, gymnosperms

on my suit, you understand
what I'm saying?

Wait, wait. Really quick.

No, don't backtalk.

Look, look, I have
a hot yoga class later.

Why are you whispering?
You guys don't talk loud enough.

- Sorry.
- It's embarrassing.

I have a hot yoga class today.
I can't...

Take a later class. Obviously.

I can't, this instructor
just gets my body type.

Dude, you're not gonna be messing
with my schedule, okay,

just because you have
child-bearing hips.

What, are you body-shaming me
'cause I've got Mom's hips?

This is what I gotta do.

I just did something nice for you!

Can't you just do
something nice for me?

Exactly, you did something nice for me,

then I thanked you, so you owe me.

I'm not. I just... -Thank you.
Now you owe me again.

Yeah, Benji, just do it.

What's your problem? Do
as your brother asks.

?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh. Hey.

Is Dean home?

No. No, he's not.

Where is he?

Is he with that girl,

the confident pizza chef?

Um, I don't really know where he is.

He's Dean. He's probably
at a yacht auction or something.

A Yachtion. It's a word I just make up.

[CHUCKLES] Amanda, by the way.

Are you Dean's housekeeper
or something?

No, I'm his brother.

You're Dean's brother?

Yes, I'm Dean's brother.

My mom had an elective C-section,

so I was born two weeks early.

I could've used the whole nine months,

obviously, that's what God
wants you to have,

but she wanted to get back
to work, and now I'm this.

Oh, you poor thing!

If I just got one more week, man, woot!

I'd be, like, 5'8",
running a hedge fund,

just alpha-ing everybody around,

throwing coffee at my assistant.

It'd be awesome.

You are so much funnier than Dean.

Oh, thanks, you know,
I'm a comedic personality.

That's amazing!

I always thought comedians
were so brave.

Oh, yeah, totally.

Everyone's like Marines,
but it's comedians.

Give me your phone.
I'll give you my number...

in case you every need it.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

There's probably moisturizer

and nail polish all over that phone

from all the numbers
girls are giving me.

You know, you're just another
girl giving me her phone number.

Good night, sweet prince.

I'm sorry I wasn't right
for you on the outside.

It's over, Benji.

The likes and comments
have stopped rolling in.

Esther, Dean is really,
really out of your league.

He dates girls right before
they marry Adam Levine.

Are you saying I could
marry Adam Levine now?

No, I'm saying people like you and me

gotta know our place in the world.

You can't just date anybody.

Like, Amanda came by earlier
and gave me her number.

That doesn't mean
I'm gonna ask her out.

What? You have
Amanda's number?! Are you kidding me?

I'm sitting here refreshing
my ass off for hours,

and you finally tell me that?

Come on, who cares?

I mean, she's just messing with me.

She laughed at my jokes,
but it's pretty obvious

she just gave me her number to
try to get back at my brother.

- Um, hello?
- Hello.

So what, okay?

Dude, don't you see?

Amanda wants to be with you
to get to Dean.

Dean wants to be with me
to get rid of Amanda.

It's a win-win-win-win situation.

Four wins. Four people can win.

All right, I guess you're right.
I'll call her.

Yay! Oh, my God, we haven't agreed
this much since we saw Moana.

Moana was so good.
It's, like, the only time

The Rock has ever been believable.

I know, it was amazing. It's the
Goodfellas for our generation.

Okay, so we gotta play this real smart.

Like, we wanna rehearse.
We wanna know exactly

what you're gonna say
to Amanda, word for word,

- calculated, planned out.
- [RINGING]

- I already dialed.
- No, stop!

- It's ringing!
- Hang up! We're not ready!

Hello, please hold for Mr. Benji.

[SOFTLY] I forgot
your last name.

Hey, what's up? Sorry, new assistant.

Um, can you just hang on one sec?

Sorry, one sec.

I don't know. -Should I
invite her to minigolf?

No. Do you want to sound like a psycho?

Ask her if she wants
to try Zumba lessons.

No, caricatures at the beach?
[FREAKING OUT]

Um, so I was thinking
if you're not busy tonight,

do you want to come over
for dinner? I can cook.

Tonight? -Yeah, Dean is going
to that real estate gala.

- He won't be here.
- The ball?

- Oh, my, the ball.
- Oh, okay, yeah!

Sweet. All right. See you then.

- Oh, my God!
- Okay, wait.

We need to do something
that will make Dean

want to retaliate against her.

- That's right.
- Nothing too violent.

Not quite a felony,
but almost felonious.

Yeah...

I know what we can do.

I feel so alive. I feel like

a Bruce Springsteen song right now.

I just feel, like...
Ow. I bit my tongue.

It hurts really bad. It stings.

Dude, okay, you know what? Your
stupid Instagram trick didn't work.

Amanda just threw another one of these

fat blue statues through my window.

Someone threw a statue
through your window?

Wow, that picture of Esther
must've really gotten to her.

Why are you guys talking
like this now? What's the deal?

Why are you guys talking
like that, like, "Oh!"

That's weird. You know what,
it doesn't even matter, okay?

You said it would work
and it didn't, okay?

So stop playing puzzle
like you're sitting shiva,

- and fix this!
- BENJI: Can I pitch you an idea?

You should take Esther to the
LA Realtors Association event!

Think about it, man.

You're gonna go there with Esther,

who's pretty much a wet baby hippo.

It's gonna drive Amanda crazy.

She's not gonna be
interested in you at all!

- [LAUGHS]
- What? What's so funny?

You want... You want me to take
Esther to my work event,

okay, and have her stand next to me...

So, like, my colleagues would see that?

Bro, a Property Bro
is going to be there.

The good-looking Property Bro
is going to be there.

Come on, I read the invitation.

It's gonna be passed apps.
He won't even notice Esther.

You won't see me.
I'll be out of your way.

It'll just be the hearsay
that I was there.

Man, you know what,
Amanda is going to think

I am disgusting, dude!

Honestly, I'm a genius, man.

This is great. Okay.

Esther, I want you to get off your ass

and we're gonna go shopping right now.

- I could shop.
- Yeah, you can and you will.

You're gonna dress not like
a fat kid on laundry day.

Dude, you don't wanna try
crackers with honey?

Shut up. Come on, let's go.

It's our second date. Whoo!

This is your day.

You can date a tall hot guy.

What do you think?

Wow, I'm surprised
that actually fits you.

Really? Oh, I usually shop
in the kids' section

just 'cause it's more affordable

and more flattering for my body type.

You are going to be
the cutest flower girl.

Aunt Debbie's going to be
so proud of you.

Oh, you have a beautiful daughter!

Hi.

Esther, we have to go now.

Okay, we can go.

Um, just so you know,

I'm gonna go rip the dress,

and then I'm gonna tell them
there was some damage.

- We'll get a discount.
- Nice.

Usually girls want me to spend
more money on them, not less.

I guess I'm not like most girls.

No, you're not. Not at all.

Oh, my God, it smells so good.

Well, thank you. It's my Moroccan
grandmother's polenta recipe.

Oh, you're really different from
most of the guys I go out with.

You mean most guys
don't make you polenta

with paprika so fresh that
it'll deviate your septum?

Hmm. Speaking of most guys,
where is Dean tonight?

He is, uh...

I think he's doing a charity
basketball game with Macklemore.

Hmm. So, can I help with anything?

Uh, sure. You want to,
um, slice some tomatoes?

- Oh, yeah.
- Cool.

Oh, heirloom tomatoes are my favorite!

They're in season right now, too.

Let's just not use those.
Let's use canned tomatoes.

Realtors Association Gala.
Is this where Dean is?

Is he with that confident pizza chef?

Oh, her, she's just... she's nobody.

She's not a threat to you.

She's just a loser. There's
nothing to be intimidated by.

She's a walking
yeast infection. It's fine.

You are just like your brother.

- I'm nothing...
- All you guys do is lie.

- Let's start over.
- I'm going to confront him.

You don't gotta confront anybody.

Come on, let's talk this through.

You've gotta move on
from guys like Dean.

Move on to someone who appreciates you

and your art, you know?

Come on, I've been caramelizing
onions for eight hours!

I don't care how many Wheat
Thins I flush down the toilet.

It's your old pipes. It's your problem.

You hear me? And cut to me on my
birthday with a brand-new toilet.

- Wow.
- I'm just saying.

Oh, my God, boys, you keep me young.

- You really do!
- I love that!

- I just love that!
- All right, I gotta fill up

the old gas tank with some spanakopita.

Um, I'll let you guys talk
amongst yourselves, okay?

- Okay!
- Yeah?

[LAUGHS]
I love it! I love it!

Dean, she's a firecracker!

Why have you never introduced me
to this woman before?

Yeah, it's weird. At first I
thought she was annoying, but...

she kind of just laughs at all
my jokes, no matter what,

and that's really cool for me

'cause I'm trying to
work on my comedy...

Dean? Did you want a... Dean?

- Give me a second.
- Okay.

- Dean, hi!
- Hey, what's up?

How come you can't be
like this all the time?

- What? Oh, did I do good?
- Yeah, you did pretty good.

I think your friends are great.

I hate that guy. He grew his
hair out long after I did.

- Dean, Dean, Dean...
- What are you doing...?

What are you doing here?

I said that. You don't...

Same. I said it, too. I'm sorry.

So, Amanda was at our house
and I was cooking her dinner...

Hold on a second.
You had a date with Amanda?

It wasn't really a date.
It was part of our scheme!

It was all in this together.

Hold on, okay.
You don't actually believe

that I'm that easy to be
manipulated, do you?

Dean, you are way too handsome
to be manipulated.

- That is not what this is...
- Oh, God!

- No, no, no...
- That's obviously what this is.

Listen up, guys. Amanda's
gonna be here any second.

I didn't intend
for any of this to happen.

You've dated everyone in LA.

There's no way for us to not be
brothers and Eskimo brothers.

- I'm sorry!
- She's crazy...

I need to talk to you.

- Hey.
- In private.

Not so fast, Amanda, hi.

Anything you want to say
to Dean tonight,

you can say it in front of me

because I'm his plus-one
and maybe more than that.

You must be Esther.

That's right, I am Esther.

I knew you were confident
from Dean's photo,

but the way you rock
that quincea�era dress

in public proves it.

Actually, thank you... Or gracias.

Whatever you got to say,
just say it, go ahead.

[SCOFFS] Fine.
What kind of monster

sleeps with someone for three weeks

and suddenly just doesn't
return their calls?

I've been trying to contact you
for the last month.

No, that's crazy. I...

We had sex together ten times, tops.

Okay, that barely warrants a call back.

What do you think, we're married?

That's really bad, Dean.

In all fairness, a girl's never

slept with me ten times.

That's pretty much marriage for me.

No. I told her... I told you I didn't
want to be in a relationship.

You did not say that! You asked
me to pick you up at the airport.

That's because I'm protesting Uber

because you know what's been
happening with them lately.

For real, any time you need
a ride to the airport,

I will do it for you, I promise you.

- Anytime, LaGuardia...
- I will never accept a ride

from you ever. Ever!

I want to say I'm sorry.

I didn't know you weren't crazy.

He made it seem like you were a nutbag.

I would not have tried to
schtupp my brother's girlfriend.

I didn't know you
were sleeping together.

No, your brother

was a total dick to me and
thought I would just go away,

but I'm taking a stand so he
doesn't do this to the next girl.

Okay, well, now you know she's lying,

because no girl cares that much
about what other girls think.

- I do sometimes.
- He makes a really good point

because if you were
trying to make a feminist stand,

then why'd you then
give him a statue as a gift?

Since Dean clearly lacks
respect for women,

I wanted him to have
a constant reminder

of the eternal power
of the female form.

That's the craziest
thing I've ever heard.

I don't even know what that means.

- Let's go.
- I'll see you later.

- Don't listen to her.
- Now!

Can I talk to you?

I'm just curious.

Um, you can't entertain
a girl for one hour?

I was up against impossible odds!

- What?
- We're ugly people

trying to sleep with pretty people.

Do you think that's what Darwin wanted?

We're gonna be their rebounds, okay?

They're gonna fight, they're gonna
be sad, they're gonna be broken,

and we're gonna swoop in
and pick up the pieces.

Let's not let this plan go.

Yeah. We can make it work.

[CLATTERING]

Well, of course
that's what's happening.

[MOANING]

- Excuse me, ma'am.
- Oh...

Earlier you requested
a personal tray of spanakopita.

I'm so sorry, but you must have
me confused with someone else.

Are you sure,
'cause I thought it was you.

It wasn't me,
but I do think that I know

who it was, and I can get that to her.

- Well...
- Just hand it over.

- Sure.
- Thank you.

- Okay.
- Appreciate it. Thank you.

- He knew you were lying.
- Whatever.

I'm gonna take a hot bath
and listen to Britney.

I just wanna wash my hands.

I couldn't because I didn't want
the spray tan to come off.

It's the white Jaguar,
and I know exactly

how much change there
was in that cup holder,

so don't be a bad hombre, comprendito?

I'm not the valet, dude.

We talked for, like,
30 minutes earlier.

Remember, I told you that story...

My mistake.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

Thank you so much for getting
Dean and I back together.

Sure, yeah, happy you guys are happy.

Yeah. Can I ask you a question?

- Sure.
- Is it more fun to be smart or pretty?

You are so cute!

Yeah. Can you answer the question?

Um... smart?

- Really?
- No.

- Okay.
- Pretty.

We're putting you on the spot.

I'm sorry. It was
good to see you again.

Oh, I'm actually seeing Dean
at your house tonight,

- so I'll see you there.
- See you then!

Oh, my God, I love her.

Hear that? I would've
actually had a chance with her...

What about me looks
like a valet parker?

What are the visual cues
that I'm a valet parker?

Am I wearing a red vest and a bowtie?

Benji, you have a serviceman's face.

It's not her fault.
It's not a bad thing, okay?

- James Franco has it.
- And, of course,

his Jaguar comes before my car.

It's like I have the vibes of
someone you shouldn't respect.

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