Original subtitles

[Serene music]

[Video game tones]

Laurie, Andy, fetus.

Thank you for joining me here today

in this calm, meditative space.

I've gathered you here because I think it's--

Can you stop playing Bejeweled for ten seconds?

There's no--there's no wrong way to meditate.

- She told me that. - Give me your phone.

Well, there sort of is.

- Give me this. - What? Don't take my phone.

- Give me this. - I'm not 12 years old.

- You can't take it. - Oh, oh, oh.

See, I think this is actually going to be a really good time

to finalize the plans for your babymoon

'cause I think the babymoon is really going to ease

the considerable tension that I feel

between the two of you.

Perhaps even eliminate it. What--what ideas--

What plan have you come up with? Have you decided?

We have. We're having a staycation.

- Oh. - Yeah.

We're going to ship the kids off to my folks,

order some salads in, and some spa treatments.

Salads?

And for 48 glorious hours,

that house will be ours again.

Well, that sounds lovely, doesn't it?

Wha--what about my plan though?

Because, look, you get free buffet breakfast

in a superior room.

Okay, an expired Groupon

to the MGM Grand is not a plan, Andy.

I'm not hauling my pregnant ass up and down some Vegas casino.

Vegas! Vegas! Who said Vegas?

Honestly, the airport is fogged in right now,

but flights are going in about an hour.

We can go out of Oakland.

False alarm, Will. No one's going to Vegas.

Andy and Laurie are having a babymoon staycation, Will.

Stop making up words.

Andy, are you really going to let Laurie

bully you out of a trip to Vegas?

- Come on! - It's not--

It's not bullying. It's just--it's--

That's right, Andy. No, it's not.

And you know what? We just want to be alone

in our house.

Your house smells like poop and feet and vomit.

I am a professional doula, and I am currently doulaing,

- Oh really? Do you have a license? - You can't institutionalize

- healing, Will. - Oh, really? What's a doctor?

That's a different beast.

Andy, let me ask you something.

If you're not being bullied,

why don't you have a say in any of this?

Very true. Why don't I ever get a say in our vacations?

Let's see, um, do the words

"Bicycle trip through Laos" ring a bell?

That was 12 years ago! And we got on the news.

We got SARS!

The is the considerable tension

I was talking about eliminating.

Andy, I am putting my swollen foot down.

- Staycation. - House arrest.

Tension elimination.

You know what?

I got a foot too.

My foot is going to Vegas.

Okay, fine. Go to Vegas.

That's fine. I'm gonna be here

on my staycation with Fiona.

Thank you, Will.

In all my years--months,

as an unlicensed healer, I've never been--

Hold on one second, someone's talking.

You put the reservation under Will Freeman,

and I'll take a double bed by the elevator

per usual. Is this Stephanie?

Here we go.

[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid (That's My Dog)]

Well, maybe it's the common curse

maybe things get bad before they get worse

I don't want to become someone

who can't live up to what I already done, don't

here comes a comeback

the kid is back, is back on track

and there goes my hero

he's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and

Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com

Our date is saved. I found the knitting kit.

"Sharcus"?

It's our couples name.

You know, Shea plus Marcus... Sharcus.

You know, I already did most of the heavy lifting,

but I thought you know, maybe we could

embroider some flourishes together.

Sorry, Marcus. I don't have time.

I have to read this book. For school.

Great idea.

You know, I was gonna suggest a couple of study sessions

but I didn't want things to move too fast.

Uh, what's the subject?

Um, this isn't a school book.

Forget it. You wouldn't understand.

"Wouldn't understand"?

I read above the 12th grade reading level.

You know, I just finished Ladies Of Loom:

A complete history of wool and the women who shaped it.

And you know, it was actually--

it's not that kind of book.

It's about adult relationships.

You wouldn't be able to handle it, so stop asking.

Come on, Julio, work the instep.

These feet are walking for two.

Ooooh, that's the sweet spot.

Laurie, may I share something with you?

If it's about anything other than this man's hands

on my feet, then no.

I mean, as your friend, I would like to thank you for this

serene experience.

But as your doula, I do feel a bit guilty

about taking Andy's place.

Shh!

You see, I do think it should be Andy

experiencing the joys of Julio's hands.

Andy hates massages.

He had a bad experience falling asleep at the YMCA.

Come on, Julio, we're not in an oil drought.

Slather it on.

All right, baby, I got the whole itinerary planned out.

Day one: Poker, whiskey, steak.

Day two: Poker, whiskey, steak.

Am I missing anything?

- The Angry Rabbit. - The Angry Rabbit?

Is that an awesome meal, or a terrible strip club?

No, it is--

What are we doing? No, we're not doing that.

All right, let's go grab a couple of single malts

and hit the tables. [Clapping]

No.

What do you mean "no"?

No. I don't want to do that.

I mean, I just stared down a Laurie so full of hormones

she bit the head off her toothbrush.

I'm not gonna be controlled anymore.

Not by her, and--and not by you.

I don't control you. Come on.

- Yes, you do. - Let's go.

Every single time we go to Vegas

we follow Will's plan.

We play Will's games, and we drink Will's drinks.

Poker and whiskey aren't Will's plan,

they're God's plan.

This time we're following Andy's plan.

Hey, bartender, two Kahlua Mudslides.

Extra whipped cream.

This is so sick.

I always dreamt about hanging out in The Angry Rabbit.

It's where all the masters hang out.

Magic Milton,

Astounding Amos,

Ichiro The Invisible.

[Gong echoes]

- Arigato. - [Laughing]

- So cool! - This place is not cool, dude.

The place is like Ocean's 0.

Oh, my God. Hey, psst.

If that's who I think it is, we gotta say hi.

I prefer not to speak to anyone, Andy.

Oh, my God. It's Andini.

And if anybody asks, you are my assistant.

Oh, no one's going to ask, dude.

Excuse me. Hi. Sir, um,

sorry to bother you, but are you Dennis The Deceiver?

I am what I am.

Or am I?

Just like in your show.

As a young illusionist, I always dreamed about

going to your elite College of Magic.

Oh, you're an alumnus? Why didn't you say so?

Sit down, kid. Give him a drink.

No, I'm not. Not an alumnus.

I-I applied. I just didn't get in.

Andy, who doesn't get in to magic school?

A lot of people. It's very competitive.

Competitive? It was magic school, kid,

not Dartmouth.

We accepted anybody whose tuition check cleared.

That's not true because

I actually got a rejection letter.

My wife showed it to me.

I'll never forget the feeling when I opened it.

We didn't have rejection letters.

Oh, my God.

She faked it.

Laurie faked the letter.

She denied my dream of pursuing the cape,

and she took it away,

just like she takes everything away from me.

Buddy, maybe you'd feel better anywhere else than here.

You okay, son?

No.

I'm better than okay. [Chuckles]

Because Laurie's not gonna control me anymore, Dennis.

I'm free.

Bartender, a round of Mudslides for all free men!

I'm not a free man.

I'll take a scotch in a to-go cup.

Oof. This book is so much better than married life.

Andy's idea of erotic adventure

is sex with the TV off.

Laurie, I-I think you might have missed the intent

of the babymoon.

What are you talking about? This is the best staycation I've ever had.

Maybe for you, but do you really think eyebrow sculpting

is Andy's idea of a good time?

[Sighs] Okay, maybe the staycation

is a little me-focused, but so what?

I mean, I'm the one having the damn baby.

Shh! It's the third trimester.

- Fetus has ears. - If it's anything like

my other three children, it's not listening.

I have to be stuck in the office every day

while my idiot husband gets to do whatever he wants

including faking his vasectomy.

Andy is a stay-at-home dad,

so maybe the idea of staying home for the weekend

was like the idea of you staying at the office all weekend.

And he is an idiot, but he's your idiot.

And he does love you.

You're having a lovely new baby.

[Sighs]

Crap.

Ladies and gentlemen,

mostly gentlemen,

I, for my next trick,

will make this bottle of Tequila disappear.

Andy, come on. All right.

Let's say good-bye to Gandalf

and Dumbledore over there and let's go.

We're leaving. Come on.

I'm not leaving. I'm not going back to the hotel,

and I'm not going back to San Francisco.

From now on, The Angry Rabbit is my home.

Andy, you are literally talking about

running away and joining the circus.

- Come on, we're going. - Andy is dead.

- Let's go. - From now on, it's just Andini,

master of illusion.

Okay, Andini-- Andini, let--we're--

Andy. [Gong echoes]

Or am I?

Andy! [Phone ringing]

- Hello? - Well, I've done it.

With a little skill and a lot of compassion,

I've mended the rift between Andy and Laurie.

And actually, we're coming to Vegas to celebrate.

So I can't wait to hear what Andy has to say about that.

Can you put him on? Where is he?

That is a surprisingly complicated question

at the moment.

Is it?

Ah. Please remember to tip your waitresses

and, uh, don't forget to eat the veal.

Will?

- Andy! - What?

What the hell, man?

I've been looking everywhere for you.

Shh. Stop yelling.

Where were you all night?

That depends. Where am I right now?

Outside our hotel.

Oh, no.

I did something bad.

I did something really bad.

You spent $10,000 on this?

It all happened so quick.

One second I'm having a Mudslide with my hero,

next thing you know, I'm buying his entire act.

Is that dried blood?

"Irishman's Bottomless Whiskey Barrel."

"Permanent Siesta."

"The Hairy Greek."

This is all gonna need some updating for 2015.

- What's in there? - Dead rabbits.

I can't believe he lied to me.

His name was Dennis The Deceiver.

$10,000 was our nest egg for the new baby.

I mean, Laurie's gonna murder me.

She's gonna murder me. The only question is

how is she going to do it? Because she's smart.

She'll make the whole thing look like an accident.

Whatever you do, do not let her take me on a boat.

This might not be a good time,

but I have a little something to tell you.

Andy!

Do not admit anything. I can fix this.

- How? - I'll think of something,

all right?

- Andy. - I'm sorry.

No, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Honey, I've been selfish and totally unfair to you.

You have?

I've ignored your needs

and I've taken you for granted.

I want this babymoon to be a new beginning for us.

- [Chuckles] - We're in Vegas.

Let's renew our vows!

[Chuckles] That's great.

- Will, I need help. - Get in line, amigo.

All right, I can't go into specifics,

but let's say there's something I'm not allowed to see,

but if I don't see it, I may lose my girlfriend.

Okay, I understood absolutely none of that.

But you're in Vegas, buddy, okay?

If it's not illegal, I say go for it, all right?

All right. I'm gonna read that book.

- Book? - She's killing me, man.

She's being nice to you.

I know, and it's horrible.

The guilt is driving me insane.

[Squeals] I booked the chapel.

- [Squeals] - [Chuckles]

Why does your beard taste like whipped cream?

'Cause I'm so sweet on you.

Okay, much as this place reeks of sin and desperation,

and I am just talking about the hallway,

it's so good that Andy and Laurie

really did get together for their babymoon.

Andy got hammered and spent their entire nest egg

on magic tricks.

Are you trying to get them divorced?

Shh! Will you shut up?

Listen to me, okay?

We can argue all day about whose fault this is--

it's your fault.

I have a plan.

And I'd like your help.

- Oh, you need my help. - Let's go.

[Growls]

[Effi's Bloom playing]

You say I'm hired

as hired as a good man can be

but, baby

I am too tired

to work for you all day on my knees

and I say lady, don't be so hasty

you ain't gonna nail me

with all your loving

'cause all, all I need

is my heart going boom boom boom

all, all I want

is my heart going boom boom boom

all, all I need

is my heart going boom boom boom

all, all I want

is my heart going boom boom boom

ooooh

you say I'm hired

to work for you under your sheets

but, honey

I am too tired

to go down and to deal with the heat

and I say lady, don't be so hasty

you ain't gonna nail me

with all your loving

cause all, all I need

is my heart going boom boom boom

all, all I want

is my heart going boom boom boom

all, all I need

is my heart going boom boom boom

all, all I want

is my heart going boom boom boom

ooooh

you say I'm hired

to work for you under your sheets

but honey

I am too tired

to go down and to deal with the heat

and I say lady, don't be so hasty

you ain't gonna nail me

with all your loving

'cause all, all I need

is my heart going boom boom boom

all, all I want

is my heart going

Hey! You guys get the money?

Yeah. We might have got a bit cocky.

In our defense though, if we'd bet on black,

all your problems would be solved,

and my friend, I'd have a jacuzzi.

That's not helping.

I'm so screwed, you guys.

- I am so screwed. - He is. He actually is.

[Organ music playing]

Andrew,

from this day forward, I vow

to always listen to you.

And to trust you.

No more second-guessing, and always expecting the worst.

No more belittling you.

I am going to appreciate you

for the amazing husband, father, and--

Honey, last night

I got super drunk on Mudslides

and I spent our entire baby's nest egg

on a storage locker full of racist stage illusions.

And I love you.

With all the growth Laurie's made this past weekend,

I think we could expect to see a positive reaction.

- Honey? - We should be wearing goggles.

Honey?

Honey?

- Honey, please--. - [Growls]

- [Grunting] - I deserve it.

This isn't all on me.

You're the one who stole my destiny.

Oh, come on, Andy.

I wrote that magician school rejection letter

because guess what, Andy?

You are a terrible magician.

Take that back!

12 years of marriage,

you have never guessed my card.

That's not true because I guess your card

every single time.

Oh, you do?

[Chuckles]

2 of spades?

Oh. Oh, my gosh, Andy.

How did you know?

It's amazing! Do it again, Andy!

Do it again!

I'm gonna be sick. Oh, my God.

Looks like you took a big, fat doula on this one.

Oh, you're the one that brought him to Vegas.

Don't you dare blame Vegas. Ever.

That's it! I can't take this book anymore.

What's the matter, darling?

What--is this the book you've been talking about?

Fire and Silk.

How much of that did you read?

Every filthy word.

If this smut is what adult relationships are about,

then I'm not ready.

Sharcus is through.

Now it's just shh and arcus.

Well, that book isn't what adult relationships are like, Marcus.

- It's not? - No, of course not. It--

[mouthing words]

What? [Both mouthing words]

Yeah, your mom is right, Marcus.

Uh, adult relationships are all about,

- [mouthing] What? - [mouthing] Communication.

Communication. They're about communication.

That's what they're about.

That's right. And good communication

requires trust and honesty.

You really care about Shea, don't you?

- Yeah. - And you want to be around

- for the new baby, right? - What?

- No, I mean, you know... - [Mouthing words]

You need to have

a calm, open,

truthful conversation where you talk,

and more importantly, you listen.

Listening is so key, Fiona. That's a great point.

[Mouthing words]

Wait, um, I can't hear anything.

Wait. Am I going deaf?

Oh, you think we got through to them?

Yeah, I think I got through to them.

Now everything's out in the open,

they can rebuild from a place of honesty and--

that might be a bit of a journey.

Ah, but they're already--

yeah, maybe give it a week.

Maybe longer.

Shea, I really like being your boyfriend.

But if this is the kind of adult relationship you want,

then I'm not ready. And frankly, if we're talking

about this stuff on page 148,

probably never gonna be ready.

I'm not ready either.

You're not?

No.

No, when you caught me reading this,

I was so embarrassed.

So you--you don't want to do the stuff in the book?

No, no. Gross. This book is crazy.

Like what they did in the gazebo?

I know! And--and when they were kissing with their tongues?

Ugh. What is that, right?

You mean French kissing?

Uh, th--duh, you know.

The book is set in Portugal

so, you know, that's why it threw me.

Yeah. It's set in Portugal.

You're weird, Marcus.

Yeah, but not like-- Not like "gazebo weird."

So this is just temporary, right?

Just a little, you know, bump in the road

before you're back with Laurie?

Dude, trust me. You're not gonna notice

I'm here.

(Will) I might notice a little bit.

Well, come on.

Looked like so much less stuff in the storage locker.

Dude, come on!

[Dog barking]

Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0