Original subtitles

All right, you may be wondering why I've gathered both of you here today.

Your email said that there would be breakfast pastries.

Budgetary constraints.

I've decided it's time for me to take it to the next level

with my LOML.

- Your what now? - LOML.

It stands for "love of my life."

I'm trying to make it the next big acronym.

That's gonna be an uphill battle.

Darling, what do you mean by "next level"?

I want to ask Shea to be my girlfriend.

Oh, n-na...

Wha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ho-ho-ho...

Hold on. Hold on. I don't know...

I don't know if we could be any happier for you.

- Really? - Really.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Go get her. - Go get her.

Thanks, you guys. I'm gonna go work on my ask.

What was... what... What was that? Huh?

Because Shea is not who I intend

to be my someday daughter-in-law.

- What? - Yeah. No, it could happen.

First they're dating.

Then Marcus is struggling to pay child support

for their unplanned twins.

Job market's crap, and the next thing you know,

he's had to take a job modeling to pay the bills.

- He... he does? - First it's catalog.

But the runway always comes calling.

Shea and Marcus are never going to date.

Shea will never say yes to him.

How do you know that for sure?

(Marcus) Give me an S-H-E...

Give me an A. What does that spell?

[groans]

- Shea! - Yeah.

His irrepressible joie de vivre

will be wasted on the likes of Shea.

Yup, so why forbid it and become the bad guy for no reason?

I am brilliant. You're welcome.

So what, we just let him go out there and get his heart broken?

Look, I don't want the little dude hurting any more than you do.

You know, but being rejected by a girl

is kind of like a male rite of passage.

Like, it's like going from briefs to boxers

or boxers to boxer-briefs.

Yeah, but he still wears the ones

with the Spider-Man on his bottom.

Trust me on this one, okay?

It's not our job to intervene.

It's our job to be there to comfort him

and to pick up the pieces.

Okay.

I suppose you're right.

I hate saying that.

(singer) Here we go.

[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid (That's My Dog)]

Well, maybe it's the common curse

Maybe things get bad before they get worse

I don't want to become someone

Who can't live up to what I already done, don't

Here comes a comeback

The kid is back, is back on track

And there goes my hero

He's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and

Sync and corrections by madhatters www.addic7ed.com

[knocking on door]

Knock, knock.

- Hello. - Hey.

How are you?

Oh, wait. Did we have plans?

I'm so confused since I switched

from the Jewish calendar to the lunar calendar.

No, no, no, no, no, no. We didn't have plans.

Tonight is a huge meteor shower,

and I figure if we leave now,

we have time to get up to my friend's observatory in Oregon.

Pack your bags.

We are going on an adventure, baby.

Oh, that sounds incredible...

baby.

But you know, I've got to stay with Marcus tonight.

Yes, of course.

Ah, I'm so sorry.

I got caught up in the excitement.

I mean, you know how I get about meteors.

I know, well, you go and enjoy the shower,

and then we're still on for tomorrow, right?

Yes, of course.

We are one for dinner tomorrow night

here at your house again.

Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

No, no, no. I meant...

[excitedly] Tomorrow night. Dinner here again.

[laughs] 'Cause I'm gonna make pesto.

But get this:

I'm gonna infuse the pine nuts

with red cabbage so it's pink.

Pink pesto.

- Mm-hmm. - How wild is that?

- That's pretty wild. - Right?

- I can't wait. - Okay.

- Bye. - Tomorrow night.

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Oh, cabbage. - [door closes]

You are not what men want.

As this graph clearly demonstrates,

we've experienced a steady increase in affection

over time.

Insults are down. Texts are up.

And last month, one butt dial.

But this month, eight intentional calls.

Basically, what I'm trying to say here is:

will you be my girlfriend?

- Why? - I like you.

Have you ever had a girlfriend?

- No. - Then why do you want one now?

- I like you. - What's the catch?

I am. [laughs]

It's a little joke.

Uh, no catch.

Grieving but healing.

What is that smell?

Why are you spraying lingerie with sour juice?

It's not sour juice. It's patchouli water.

I am preparing a grieving robe

for Marcus to deal with Shea's rejection.

Patchouli robe.

Are you comforting Marcus or a middle-aged lesbian?

I am gonna help Marcus get over Shea

like a man with a six-pack and some dead animals.

[spritzes]

Oh!

That is comforting, actually.

Hey, guys.

- Hi, darling. - Hey, buddy.

[sighs]

Shea said yes!

I'm a boyfriend now.

Wait. And you made me ribs.

And a victory robe to celebrate.

This is the bet day ever.

Ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Buddy.

Those are completely raw.

And you saved me from salmonella.

Even better best day ever.

Yes.

[sniffs]

[exhales] Victory.

I just can't believe that my little baby has a girlfriend.

And thank you, Will.

You... You're welcome?

You stopped me from shutting down

what could turn out to be the grand love story of Marcus's life.

I did?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I did.

You know, the thing is, Fiona,

I always had a hunch about that Shea.

It's quite ironic

that Marcus's love flower blossoms while mine wilts

or, rather, dries up from boredom.

Okay, number one:

never, ever talk about your love flower

drying up, and number two:

what's wrong?

Is there trouble brewing in swarthy teacher land?

Chris always wants to go on these spontaneous adventures.

"Let's go surfing right now," he says.

But I'm a mom.

I need notice.

I really want to plan an adventurous date.

Well, you can't plan an adventure, you know.

That undermines its inherent adventure-ness.

What should I do?

I don't know. You know, anything.

You could be sitting down for dinner

and you'd be like, "You know what would be awesome?

Some truffle oil."

And then you guys just get up.

You just forage for truffles.

Okay, well, it'd be awesome... what?

What was the last bit there?

Wha... truffle oil, but that...

That was just an example, Fiona.

A perfect example.

Hold on to your hat, Chris.

We're going truffle hunting

on a [whispers] whim.

[cackling]

Brilliant!

- [laughing] - Oh, boy.

- Hey, girlfriend. - Hey, Pasty.

[Awolnation's This Kid's Not All Right]

Trouble's coming for the free man

We shake them, shake them with the free hand

So stand tall

Catch fire with me

Ah!

This kid's not all right

This kid's not all right

This kid's not all right

But this kid's not all right

Ah, sweet relief.

If I'm still soaking in ten minutes, unplug this.

I got to get started on Shea's homework.

You shouldn't be doing errands for Shea.

That's not what a boyfriend does.

- It's not? - No.

Well, that explains why none of the other boyfriends at school

have developed shin splints.

You need to change the dynamic

of your relationship with Shea ASAP.

- How? - By taking her on a date

and making her see you as a man, all right?

Otherwise you're gonna turn into a whipped, neutered

shell of your former self.

Fire up the Xbox.

I got 15 minutes until I have to pick up

Laurie's eyeglasses

and then get her skirt suits from the dry cleaner.

What?

Why are you guys looking at me like that?

Oh, my God. I'm turning into Andy.

Okay, not yet. You still got a lot of time.

Just relax.

Guys, I'm standing right here.

Quiet, Andy. Men are talking.

All right, I'll ask her out.

All right, what are you gonna do? You do a little text action?

- Um... - All right, here we go.

I, uh...

Just be direct, all right?

Got it.

Okay.

"Will you go on a date with me?"

[phone bloops]

That's solid. No nonsense there.

"Ok."

- She said ok! - Yeah, buddy!

(all) Whoo!

Why are you so excited?

Oh, I don't have to pick up the skirt suits until Wednesday.

- Oh, boy. - Hey!

You the man!

[all cheering]

Oh, the meteors, they looked like

a million tiny, little shooting stars.

It was one of those nights where I was just

glad to be alive and in the moment.

You ever had one of those?

Oh, no. This pasta is terribly bland.

No, I think it's delicious.

I wonder what it needs.

Maybe a little black pepper.

I've got it. Truffles.

Let's go scavenging for them right now on a whim.

Um, okay.

Great.

Oh, no, wait.

I better just blow out the candles 'cause of the fire hazard.

Oh, let 'em burn! Adventure!

[laughing]

Here I come.

(Will) Okay, here she comes.

Quick: hit me withhe ground rules one more time.

All right, always stick to the date plan

no matter what she says.

Always hold the door. Never hold her purse.

Boom! You got this.

- Yes. - Come on. Go.

Oh, my god. Look at how cute she looks.

I'm gonna hold whatever she wants me to hold.

Marcus, remember Andy. Pathetic.

Andy. Pathetic. Andy, Andy, Andy.

Hi. You're perfect.

I mean, um...

What's up?

Oh, right.

Pasty.

Skinny jeans.

Blue... highlights hair.

Good one.

[inhales deeply]

Marcus, why don't you tell Shea

about the date you got planned tonight?

Well, we'll be sharing an evening of bowling,

along with fries, arcade games,

and a pitcher of orange soda.

No.

Swirl Jam for frozen yogurt.

Skinny Jeans! To Swirl Jam.

Ooh! Look.

I think... ooh, I found another one.

Mm... Not a truffle.

If you eat this, you'll get epic hallucinations

and almost definitely die.

Let's put that over there.

[chuckles]

Gosh.

Is there anything that you don't know?

Well, I didn't know where tonight was gonna lead us

and that we'd be out here, off the grid.

[giggles]

Oh, no service!

Hmm?

- Everything okay? - Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

I... you know, it has been

a lovely adventure, hasn't it?

But should we head back and truffle up our dinner?

We could, or...

I know a fantastic hot spring

about 15 minutes up the road.

We could hike.

Oh, well, we don't have our bathing suits.

Neither did Adam and Eve.

Well, that's not strictly true,

'cause Eve had the fig leaf two piece.

Just trust me.

All right, so you got your classic flavors:

you got chocolate, vanilla, peanut butter,

but if you're feeling a little adventurous,

you could take a walk on the peppermint mocha side.

Gonna need some samples, Pasty.

On it.

First time?

- What's that? - Chaperoning?

We do the whole "be cool and hang back" thing.

- Which one's yours? - Uh, Marcus.

Oh, Marcus is the one that's dating Shea now.

- Oh, my gosh. - It's very weird.

It's a very weird relationship.

She's, like, popping right now from relationship to relationship.

Excuse me... what are you guys talking about?

Shea just broke up with Viper,

that dark little storm cloud behind the counter.

It was quite the uggo splitsky.

No bueno.

I'm having a little trouble understanding your mom speak.

What does that mean?

I'm saying that Shea is using Marcus to make Viper jelly.

And jelly means jealous?

Obvi.

Obvi.

[sighs]

- That's no bueno. - Mm-mm.

Voila!

(Fiona) What a beautiful view

from right here.

Come on, we can sit and watch this anytime.

Let's do this, Fiona.

Come on.

They all naked, do you think?

- Probably. - Probably, aren't they?

All right.

You're not gonna keep your short...

You don't have to keep your short... no.

[coughs]

Listen, I figure you can put your dress in my shirt

so it doesn't get dirty.

Oh, gah! [laughs nervously]

Isn't that funny how that's the...

The exact thing I was worried about.

Ha!

Oh, here, give me your coat.

That's white; don't want to get that dirty.

Put that right there.

Uh...all right.

Well, there we are.

Just... ah!

Nothing you haven't seen before.

Ooh! Brisk, isn't it?

Put that right in my shirt.

And here I am, naked in the woods,

feeling wind in places I've never actually felt wind before,

about to take a bath with a bunch of strangers.

Come on.

(Chris) [laughing]

- Ah. - Ooh!

See? This isn't so bad.

Hey, look at you! You're doing it.

I know! I'm doing it!

I'm skinny dipping!

There's nothing between my body and the water.

Ah, this is amazing.

And you look beautiful!

Oh, I am!

I'm beautiful and naked and free!

[helicopter whirring]

Police! Run!

What?

[sirens blaring]

- Ah! - Freeze, ma'am!

Ah! What's happening?

Uh, this is a... A wildlife reserve,

so technically, we're trespassing.

(man) Put your hands up

and slowly come out of the water.

All right.

Could... could you chuck us a towel first?

Could you?

(man) Come out of the water.

No? Okay.

Hey, Marcus!

Hey, we need to talk.

Did you know that that guy right there

is Shea's ex-boyfriend?

Viper? Really?

Man, I got to work on my facial hair.

I think Shea might be using you to make Viper jealous.

No way. Shea would never do that.

Well, then why did she bring you here?

'Cause my girl loves her some fro yo.

Look, I don't want to keep my date waiting,

so if you'll excuse me.

Oh, hey, what's up?

What a co-wink-a-dink, right?

So could I just get one half coconut,

one half mango for my girlfriend, Shea, please?

All right.

"Sloot?"

No, you spelled it wrong.

Her name is Shea. S-H...

I know her name, but seeing how she's ugly and stupid

and worthless, I think my name for her is much better.

My girlfriend, Shea, is beautiful, kind, and amazing,

and I would appreciate it if you didn't talk about her that way.

- You would, would you? - Yeah. I would.

What are you gonna do about it?

I don't know, I haven't really gotten that far.

Well, ha!

Uh!

Uh! Mm.

You just lost your tip.

(Chris) [laughing]

That was crazy.

I mean, one minute we're eating pasta, and then boom!

We're in the woods, naked, with sirens flashing.

That's one for the ages.

Yes. Good story.

Oh, Fiona, don't worry. This won't go on our record.

They'll let us off with a warning.

Oh, no, it's not that.

I'm... I... it's just I can't have

adventures like this very often.

I mean, I could before Marcus,

but not anymore.

Well, that's... That's okay.

Yeah, no, it is... It's okay for me.

I love being Marcus's mom,

but I can't drop everything at a moment's notice

and go see a meteor shower or go surfing

or skinny dipping.

And I'm not sure what I have to offer

is enough for you.

Look, I don't need meteor showers

or mushrooms or hot springs.

Fiona, you and me... We're the adventure.

Okay, you two. We've dealt with the others.

Ah!

We are ready for the warning.

Yeah.

Warning? [chuckles]

No, we're taking you two downtown.

Well, not downtown.

Actually, our precinct's in a pretty rural area,

but you're still getting booked.

They usually, uh... let you off with a warning.

Usually.

So what's it gonna take for you not to sue?

How 'bout a lifetime of free frozen yogurt?

Really? That's it? Absolutely.

Damn, I think I undershot.

Hi.

Hey.

Did you just agree to be my girlfriend

to make that Viper guy jealous?

Because I really like you,

and I think it would be nice to have

a girlfriend that actually likes me back.

[sighs]

When I first said I'd be your girlfriend,

it was mostly 'cause I liked having you around

to carry my stuff.

And yeah, also make Viper jealous.

Oh.

I guess it was just hard to believe that you were for real,

'cause usually, guys date me

because they've heard rumors about me

or because they know my mom's never home

and that we always have beer in our fridge.

But hearing you say all that nice stuff about me...

Now I know you're for real.

You're still totally weird,

but you're for real, and I've never met

anyone like you, Pas... Marcus.

[Marc Scibilia's How Bad We Need Each Other]

People gonna be okay

Storms never come to stay

They just show us how bad we need each other

How bad we need each other

Man, I can't believe she kissed me.

Next time, I am totally gonna kiss back.

Yeah, you are! To kissing back!

Kissing back!

Here I am! How did it go?

Sorry I was off the grid. Tell me everything.

So Shea was only using me

to make her ex jealous.

What?

Will!

But then I stood up to Viper.

Wait... Shea has an ex called "Viper"?

And then Shea realized she wanted to be

my girlfriend for real, and I got kissed.

Oh, darling, you got kissed!

It was pretty much the best night of my life.

Marcus, that is so wonderful.

And next time, he's gonna kiss back.

Darling, listen, you go upstairs and get ready for bed.

I'm gonna come up and hear all the details.

All right.

Wait until you hear about the part

where I got punched in the stomach.

You got punched?

And kissed. Best night of his life.

But it could've been the worst. You know

he has a very sensitive stomach

because of the lactose allergy and his hypersensitive navel,

- You can't... - What is going on with your fingertips?

Why do you have ink on them?

That's... that is just some rubber stamp work

From holiday cards.

Christmas was months ago. What's going on here, Fiona?

It's fingerprint ink from down the precinct,

where we got arrested for skinny dipping.

Ho-ho-ho-ho!

Adventurous Fiona skinny dipping!

Looks like someone's dried-up love flower got wet!

Listen, I'm gonna make you a deal.

You're gonna take my skinny dipping arrest to the grave,

And I'm gonna spare you the lecture

On what a rubbish chaperone you are.

- Lady, you got yourself a deal. - All right.

Although, your skinny dipping definitely trumps my chaperoning.

Right. Now you're gonna get a lecture.

One: You're a rubbish chaperone.

Two: You are a very poor judge of character.

Three: You're far too tall, Sasquatch.

Four: You're an idiot.

Five: Snip, snip, snip on your eyebrows, okay?

Six: Your hair's too big, and it's not the humidity.

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