Original subtitles

[relaxing acoustic guitar music]

[horn honks]

[music continues playing from van]

Will: Mr. Idalis, hey, Will Freeman,

my friend Andy and I crushed the Hora at your son's wonderful

- bar mitzvah last week. - Johnny: Yeah.

You pretended to be a gay couple and then basically destroyed

the most sacred moment of my son's life.

Andy: Lovely event, sir. I gotta say, the highlight

for me had to be the chopped liver.

- That stuff was delicious. - Johnny: What... what the hell

- are you doing on my street? - Will: Okay, so I wrote this song

and I think it's super special.

And believe me, I'm not one to blow smoke up my own skirt.

Johnny: You're following me while I jog with my dog.

That is... That is so uncool.

Will: Go, go, go! Dig in!

Listen, why don't you just listen to the song,

and if you hate it, we'll get out of here, okay?

Johnny: You know...

what you're doing is so disturbing

and arguably psychotic, but the song isn't terrible.

You don't have a hook, you need a hook.

So get a hook and then maybe we'll have something

- to talk about. - Will: Oh, good!

I'll get you the sweetest hook you've ever seen!

What... what are you doing?

- Andy: Sir! - Johnny: What?

Andy: I'd consider it a solid if you would hook me up

with your chopped liver guy. Is it a deli, or a caterer or...

- Will: What are you doing? - Andy: It was delicious!

Here we go.

[Brett Dennen's Comeback Kid (That's My Dog)]

Brett: Well, maybe it's the common curse

Maybe things get bad before they get worse

I don't want to become someone

Who can't live up to what I already done, don't

Here comes a comeback

The kid is back, is back on track

And there goes my hero

He's the underdog, he's coming out on top, and

[cheers and applause]

Fiona: Hello, darling, how was your day of learning then?

Marcus: Well, on a scale of great to sucked,

it sucked mightily.

Fiona: Oh, no. Here, do you want a biscuit?

Marcus: Man, Mr. Chris is the most annoying teacher

- on the planet. - Fiona: What?

Marcus: I wish he'd just teach instead of boring us

with his inane tales of travel.

Yeah, we get it, buddy, you got a passport.

Fiona: Darling, are you upset 'cause Mr. Chris

and I are dating?

Marcus: A-bup-bup-bup! Not listening.

Not listening.

Are we set up for our Paint Our Feelings Night?

Why are there three easels?

Bob: With a large brush...

let us pool that...

and then it'll mix with a liquid white...

Chris: Well, look at that.

- Fiona: It's amazing, isn't it? - Chris: Yeah, that is amazing.

You know, I studied painting with true masters at Arte Umbria

just outside of Firenze, and I gotta say

this guy's pretty good.

- For a lot less lira. - Fiona: [laughs]

Marcus: Can I paint my friggin' mountaintop in peace, please?

Fiona: Marcus! Well...

now's the part where we typically share our work,

obviously with a safety net of no criticism,

just appreciation for each other's inner vision.

- So I'll share first. - Chris: All right.

Let's see here. Oh, Fiona, this is beautiful.

Fiona: I'd climb every mountain with you.

Maybe fjord every stream if you're lucky.

- Chris: I like the sound of that. - Fiona: Ooh. [giggles]

Marcus: Seriously?

Chris: Well, here's my little effort.

Fiona: Chris, that's brilliant!

Marcus: The lake's a little showy.

Anyways, here's mine.

Both: Oh.

Fiona: So that's two people at the top of the mountain,

- are they? - Chris: And what's that red bush

at the base?

Marcus: One of the climbers got a little full of himself

and then he slipped and fell off the mountain,

and then he caught on fire.

Chris: So those are flames.

[mellow chords]

Andy: Baby

Baby

- Baby

- Will: No, no, dude!

Honestly, I just need you to just calm down.

Andy: I got the hook.

- Listen. - Will: Here we go.

Andy: See, it's all about the rhyme, right?

Will: Yup.

Andy: I just want to love you baby

Won't you let me rub you maybe

Will: I'm surprised John Lennon didn't come up

- with that little gem there. - Andy: Right?

Will: Okay, please, please, give me some peace, please.

Andy: Rub you

Rub you maybe

- Baby

- Will: Dude!

[door slams]

Fiona: Well, that was very rude.

In your painting you set Mr. Chris on fire, darling.

I mean maybe I should have you paint your feelings

to yourself next time.

Marcus: Oh, I'm sorry, did I just fall through

your safety net of no criticism?

Fiona: Uh, Marcus, you know I'm very fond of Mr. Chris.

And all I want is for you to make a bit of an effort

to connect with him outside of school.

Marcus: About that... I've concluded that Mr. Chris

isn't right for you and things should go back

to the way they were.

Mom, you and me, we have this perfect love bubble.

Messing with it could pop it.

Fiona: Right. [clears throat]

I have certain adult needs which are evocative

and quite lovely,

and I am not prepared to give them up.

Marcus: What about my needs? Don't my needs matter?

Fiona: Of course they matter, but in this particular case...

Marcus: They matter less than yours.

Fiona: Marcus, I'm not going to argue about this,

and I'm not going to stop seeing Mr. Chris.

Marcus: Well, that does not work for me.

Fiona: I'm not going to tolerate this tone.

Marcus: Well, I'm not going to tolerate Mr. Chris.

Fiona: Well, as long as you live in this house,

it is my rules.

Will: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who is...

Oh, not now, my mid-pubescent friend.

Marcus: Okay, look, Will, I have a situation.

Since my mother no longer respects my wishes,

I can no longer live under her roof.

Will: I'm sensing a lot of anger.

What... Uh, pillow/duffel combo

is concerning me a little here.

- Marcus: Move it, Andy. - Andy: He just elbowed me.

Marcus: I'm moving in, Will. Sometimes an almost-man

has to do what an almost-man has to do.

Will: Marcus, this is not th...

Marcus: So you gonna make up the couch

or are we sleeping together? And do you have a towel?

Because I'm a bit of a sleep-sweater.

I tend to sweat the bed.

Andy: Sweatin' the bed

Sweatin' the bed

[spiritual music]

Will: Hey, Fiona, you need to come get Marcus

back immediately. Fiona, hey!

Out. Snap out. Done.

- Come on. - Fiona: Look, I'm torn.

That's why I'm out here meditating...

I'm trying to seek guidance from my spirit animal.

Will: It isn't that raccoon that's been digging around

my trash, is it?

Fiona: Part of me wants to just gather up my little baby

and bring him back to his womb home immediately.

But there's another part of me that is wondering whether

the awakening man inside the boy doesn't need to

just stretch and test his boundaries a bit.

Will: Okay, that's all well and good,

but you need to get your awakening man-boy

out of my womb home.

Hom... Home.

Get your kid out of my house.

- Fiona: Oh, we've decided. - Will: We've decided what?

- Fiona: Wait. - [music continues playing]

Yes. [laughs]

Yes. Oh, namaste, spirit, namaste.

Raven says Marcus should make his own way home.

Will: You know, my womb home is being affected here.

I believe my voodoo animal should have a vote, huh?

Fiona: It's only gonna be for one night.

- He will miss me. - Will: One night.

Just got boned by a raven.

Alright, Marcus, what's going on here?

Marcus: What's going on here is Mr. Chris.

He's already destroyed my school life and now

he's threatening to ruin my home life.

Ugh! If I were a violent man I'd...

I'd take a swing at this pillow.

Will: I appreciate you not raging against my Euro sham,

but there's some ground rules while you're here

for this very brief stay.

I need you to basically not talk so I can write a silky hook

that is eluding the crap out of me.

Here we go.

Marcus: You won't even know I'm here, roomie.

Will: Please call me Will when you're not talking.

Marcus: I'm going to go upstairs because if I don't get a good

soak in at night, I am basically useless in the morning.

Will: Okay, I got some lyrics, I got some music.

Let's bring it home.

Marcus: Uh, hey, roomie, sorry to interrupt your hook,

but I don't know where the bathtub is.

Will: I don't have a bathtub.

- You can take a shower. - Marcus: Oh, shower.

- Will: Mm-hmm. - Marcus: Yeah, I can rock

a shower.

Will: Okay, come on, come on now.

Come to me

My sweet hook

Could I find you

In a book

[sighs]

Could I find you

In a truck

Oh, I'm gonna kill myself.

[splat]

What?

[splat] Ugh!

Marcus!

Marcus, what the hell are you doing?

Marcus: Showering, roomie. Ooh, do you have a loofah?

- Will: Wh the hell is a loofah? - Marcus: Ha ha! Look at that!

[gargling loudly]

Will: Marcus.

Marcus

[upbeat music]

Man: I don't wanna go home

I wanna stay until the sun is bright

Marcus: Ooh!

Man: Well, I'm never acting grown

I'd rather do what makes me feel all right

Will: Aah!

Man: Through the outsides of Rome

Crash on dirty couches

Eating breakfast off the floor

Slowly serving strangers

In a place I hardly know

I can't find the hotel

They're all gone

I'm here all alone

Don't wanna go home

The sun is up and it's way too bright

Will: Fiona, okay, look, it's been more than one night

and Marcus is still up there just gurgling and creaming up,

and mouth-breathing all over the place.

It's just killing me, and I can't focus on the song,

and I need you to do something about it, please.

Fiona: Will, it's killing me.

It is not easy for me. All I want is for him

to open his heart to Chris so that the two wonderful, sweet

men in my life can just enjoy each other.

Will: It's not like I'm unsympathetic to your plight,

okay? I mean... well, actually I am.

Fiona: He saw him first. At school, even before I did.

So why can't he see it at home? I mean, it's the same Chris.

Will: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna lay it down for you.

I ink you made a tactical error bringing Chris home

to bond with Marcus.

Fiona: What do you mean?

Will: You brought Chris into Marcus' space

and that can be hard to handle, you know,

males are kind of funky about that kinda thing.

You know, when I was a kid, we had a golden retriever

named Woof Woof.

- Fiona: That is a lovely breed. - Will: Thank you.

- Fiona: And a stupid name. - Will: I am going to pretend

that you didn't just say that.

A few years later, we got a Bernese Mountain Dog.

- Fiona: Bark Bark? - Will: Really, really funny.

Keep it up. My mom said that before

- we brought Cassius home... - Fiona: That's a good name,

isn't it? That's a good name.

Will: Okay, just...

Cassius and Woof Woof had to meet in a neutral location.

So they could get used to each other, you know?

Sniff each other's butts.

Fiona: Woof Woof is the stupidest name ever.

Will: Hm.

Marcus: My instincts are way out of whack here, Will.

At first I thought you were tiring of my presence,

but now we're two roomies going out on the town.

Will: Yeah, I mean there's nothing I'd rather being doing

right now than slamming some vegan hibachi.

Marcus: Man, I cannot tell you how great it feels to not

have something or someone forced on me.

I love living under your roof, Will.

Will: My roof is overrated.

And some rooves are underrated. Roofs? Roo... rooves?

Woman: We only do shared tables, so here we go.

Will: Sit down here... Oh, my God!

Look at... what are the...

Surprise, surprise! What are the odds, right there?

- Fiona: Hello! - Chris: Hey, guys.

Marcus: Et tu, Brute?

Will: I don't know what that means.

Chris: I can help you out there, Will.

- That's William Shakespeare... - Marcus: It's always a lesson

- with this guy. - Fiona: Oh, golly.

- Shall we eat? - Marcus: A moment alone with you,

- roomie? - Will: Oh, sidebar.

That sounds fun.

Chris: "Et tu, Brute."

Marcus: I cannot believe you conspired with them against me.

Will: I know, I know, it was a little bit weak,

but you gotta understand my situation.

I got a golden opportunity to make a ton of money

with this music producer...

Marcus: I don't want to be here with Mr. Chris or my mother.

So if you're leaving, I'm leaving.

Will: Marcus, I need to concentrate at home.

I gotta come up with this sweet hook,

and I just need some peace and quiet to really get it.

And I can't do it if you're flopping around the shower.

Marcus: If you're leaving, I'm leaving.

Look, we can get some quinoa mushroom balls

and pear sauce to go. They're famous for them here,

and it would be a sin to miss out.

Fiona: Well, I know we came together a bit inelegantly,

but I really feel that if we open our hearts,

we could have a meaningful and maybe a wonderful time.

Will: Honestly, this menu reads like a Stephen King novel.

It's more unsettling the deeper you get into it.

Fiona: Um, Marcus, Chris said that you said something

- rather brilliant in class today. - Chris: That's right.

Um, we were going over Latin root words,

and I brought up "gress," meaning to step or to go.

Such as progress, to step forward or digress,

to step backward.

Will: This is a long story, isn't it?

Chris: And then I brought up congress,

which means to step together.

And Marcus said, "but the U.S. Congress is more likely to

"step outside and beat the crap out of each other

because they can't come together on squat."

Fiona: Oh, that is so brilliant! [forced laugh] So relevant.

Chris: Oh, yeah, no, I gave him a standing ovation,

which is from the Latin "ovatio", which means "I exult."

- Will: What's Latin for boring? - Marcus: [snickers]

Fiona: Are we opening our hearts, or are we shutting them

like a bloody vault, darling?

Will: Hey, guys, I don't see a lick of meat on here.

I'm gonna go next door, get a half-pound patty

from the burger joint, throw it on the hibachi.

- Anyone else want in? - Chris: You know, Will,

there's a veritable cornucopia of delectable items on this menu

that aren't meat that are far more amicable to your heart

and digestive tract. For example, the...

The vegan pho is quite nice, and the Luc Lac

is a Vietnamese lentil steak, where they...

Will: What do you think's grosser?

Eating lentil Luc Lacs, or pooping lentil Luc Lacs.

Marcus: [laughs]

Fiona: Um, a word with you, please, neighbor.

- Will: What, what? - Fiona: Over here.

Will: I was just over there.

Fiona: Are you aware how disrespectful

you're being to Chris, or are you merely clueless

as well as being a giant moron?

Will: Excuse me, I did my job.

I got everyone all together, now I just want to go home

so I can work on my hook in peace and quiet.

Fiona: Marcus is not going to come home with me

unless you stop mocking Mr. Chris.

Will: [mocking] Luc Lac, Luc Lac?

You gotta be kidding me.

Fiona: Will, Marcus idolizes you.

If you're nice to Mr. Chris, he will be too.

Will: I can't believe I'm embroiled in this plan.

And now you want me to be nice to that...

what's the Latin word for "tool?"

- Fiona: Instrumentum. - Will: Thank you.

Will: Alright, you know what? I will try to be nice

to that blowhard instrumentum,

just so Marcus can get out of my house and I can finally

- work on this hook, okay? - Fiona: Thank you.

- Will: There you go. - Fiona: Culus.

- Will: What does that mean? - Fiona: It's a body part.

Will: Mm, so Chris, it sounds like you're quite

- the world traveler? - Chris: That is correct, yeah.

I have... I've been to all six continents.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking there are seven.

But most geographers, myself included, agree

that Europe and Asia, it's really...

- It's just the same land mass. - Fiona: It is.

Will: Yeah, I definitely wasn't thinking that.

No. So... I been to Barcelona.

- Do we have that in common? - Chris: You are correct,

good sir. Yes, I love Barthelona.

Tell me that you were not blown away by the dragon-curved

- rooftop of Gaudi's Casa Batllo. - Will: No,

but I was blown away by the curved body

of a cocktail waitress named "Ithavella".

Chris: Hm, I'm not sure "Isabella"

was on the walking tour.

I did happen to catch an FC Barcelona match

and while the fans were as wild as advertised,

that's nothing compared to a Niners game.

Will: Oh, so you're a Niners fan?

Chris: Oh, yeah, I'm a bit of a freak.

Will: What, like a real freak, or like bandwagon freak?

Chris: Well, one of the greatest days of my life was

the '94 NFC Championship game where the Niners beat...

Will: Cowboys.

Chris: 38-28.

I was at that game with my father.

Will: Dude, I was at that game with my father.

- Chris: Come on. - Will: Yeah, I was on

the 40-yard line. I was there, I was right there

when Eric Davis picked off Aikman's pass,

took it to the house!

Chris: And then Young hits Ricky Watters who showboats

into the end zone.

Will: You know, he's like...

[both laughing]

Chris: Oh, and then we steamrolled 'em from there.

Will: Yeah, we took down the Chargers in the Super Bowl.

Chris: But it was beating the Cowboys that made it so sweet.

Will: The sweetest, man. It's still sweet!

- Chris: Yes! - Marcus: Are you kidding me

right now? First you steal my mom and now

you're trying to steal my best friend?

- I'm out of here. - Chris: Marcus.

Fiona: Darling!

Marcus: Quinoa mushroom balls are coming with me,

for they have not betrayed me.

Will: Hey, bud, normally I'd bring a food item

as a peace treaty, but I'm fresh out of quinoa mushroom balls.

Marcus: You know what hurts the most, Will?

Will: Tell me.

Marcus: It's that the entire 23 hours and 18 minutes

I've been gone, my mom hasn't missed me.

- Not even a little. - Will: Marcus, you know that

- isn't true. - Marcus: Thanks for coming here,

Will, but your words won't make me feel better this time.

Will: Okay.

Maybe your mother's will.

Fiona: Hey, Will, it's Fiona.

Marcus just left my housabou 20 seconds ago

and I wanted to make sure he arrived safely.

Hey, Will, it's Fiona.

It's been almost 4 minutes, and I haven't

heard from Marcus. Is my lovey okay?

It's Fiona. Has he bathed?

Is he warm? Does he need

a good night kiss from me?

[crying] Please don't give him

a good night kiss.

That's my job. [kisses]

I do miss you, darling.

It's Fiona. I'm just thinking about my sweet little chicken.

I've got my arms out because I wish I were holding him.

Every time I've ever held my arms out,

he's always come running.

Mommy's got her arms out, darling.

Mommy's got her arms out.

[door closes]

Marcus: You missed me.

Fiona: Every single second.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about our love bubble.

Marcus: What about it?

Fiona: Well, we let Will into it and it didn't pop, did it?

Marcus: It didn't pop.

Fiona: Darling, no matter who is in my life,

I'll always make room for you in my love bubble.

[soft rock music]

Will: I've got room

There's always room

In my love bubble for you

Johnny: Love Bubble?

I like it. Will: Yes!

Yeah! Whoo!

Johnny: But this? Two guys in a minivan,

that's creepy, you gotta stop that.

You ever heard of email?

Will: He's right, I told you it was creepy.

We should've brought one of your kids, I told you.

Andy: My kids!

I forgot the kids at school!

Laurie's gonna kill me!

Marcus: Hey, Mom, whatcha doing?

Fiona: I'm making mushroom and quinoa balls,

but they're not really boiling, are they?

Suppose I could loaf them.

Marcus: Nobody loafs it better.

- Loafs, loaves? - Fiona: I think it can be either.

Marcus: Oh, hey, I set up our Paint Our Feelings Night.

Go check it out! Fiona: Oh.

Sync and corrections by madhatters www.addic7ed.com

Why are there three easels?

Will: In my love bubble for you

Chris: So thanks to Marcus, I'm no longer persona non grata.

Marcus: Okay, let's keep the Latin in school, huh?

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